I don’t understand a bevy of things, yet you think I have time for introductions? On to the list…
The phrase “circus-like atmosphere”
This phrase is normally used to describe a situation where there are a ton of people around, some raucous celebration, and a bunch of media members covering the proceedings. Does this sound like a circus to you? Kids aren't going to get excited to go see some cameras click.
Where are the clowns? Where’s the cotton candy? What about the trapeze artists wearing the flamboyant costumes? Honestly, if there aren’t lions jumping through hoops of fire, I don’t want to hear the phrase “circus-like atmosphere” brought into the mix.
The fact that people won’t draft Michael Beasley due to character issues
When it comes to the former K-State star, it seems that no NBA general manager doubts his talent. He’s one of the most-talented scorers in the draft. He was the top rebounder in the NCAA. He made 30-point games seem commonplace.
Yet, it now seems that the top two teams in tonight’s draft may both shy from Beasley due to “character issues.” If you hear about Beasley, odds are you’ll hear those two words. But, what exactly are his issues in character? Oddly enough, that point isn’t normally addressed.
He went to a few different high schools – (insert shocked gasp here) – and he got in a bit of trouble at one for signing things (hello ebay!). Sure, he has a joking personality and doesn’t take anything too seriously, but he’s also 19. Think about yourself as a 19-year-old? Did you ever answer a question with a smart-aleck remark?
Nevertheless, there’s talk that the Miami Heat may draft Ovinton J’Anthony (O.J.) Mayo instead of Beasley with the number two pick. I am a bit biased, and I don’t know much about the former USC guard, but his Wikipedia page - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O.J._Mayo - (which can be edited by anyone and therefore may contain falsities (this message brought to you by the “Cover My Butt Foundation”)) contains some interesting information.
Character issues, you say?
The level of celebrity status one must reach in order to comment about things on I Love the New Millennium
The prostitute from Borat is commenting on 50 Cent’s “In Da Club.” You’re sure about this?
And what the heck is going on with airing I Love the New Millennium, when we’re not even through the first decade of it? Are we that low on ideas? (The fact that Tila Tequila has a show tells me yes.)
Keep an eye out for my next blog entry, “I Love My Last Blog Entry,” where I will recap the entry you are currently reading, and add in comical quips along the way. It's going to be hilarious!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Parenting 101
As I've mentioned in this space recently, it seems that nearly everyone I know is adding a baby to their family. This procreation is happening at such an inordinate level that someone said to me the other day, "there must be something in the water." This quote could be taken in a multitude of ways (many of which are unfit for print in this family-friendly blog), and I am therefore going to leave it alone.
With so many couples achieving parent status, it seems to be a good time to share the limited knowledge I have on the subject of child rearing. I understand that a single guy in his 20s may not seem like the best source of parenting advice, but I have reviewed this handy guide - http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html - and done some puppy-sitting in my day. These facts alone may make me more qualified than at least a few parents out there.
On to the tips...
When reading to baby...
Do - Select a colorful book of stories or rhymes with a lot of illustrations and easy verbiage that will help the baby learn.
Do not - Select a text by someone like Stephen Hawking that details wormholes, antimatter, and quantum physics. No matter who you are or what you're interested in, baby's first word should not be "photon."
Further advice - Magazines do not count as story books. Sorry devoted readers of Guns & Ammo or TV Guide.
When putting baby to bed...
Do - Sing a lullaby or play soft, soothing music (if you're like the author and not fit to sing) to comfort the child.
Do not - Put baby to bed to thumping bass of tracks laid down by Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, or any other rap artist. You may find such tactics make the baby cry, and not even in rhythm.
Further advice - Playing any song on Guitar Hero III does not count as singing to the child. Granted, you may be able to do some sick shredding to Slayer's "Raining Blood," but you may find that your infant does not care if you've nabbed the title of "Rock Legend."
When it's time to change the baby...
Do - Keep a light mood about it. There's no use in getting frustrated, you'll be changing a few more in your future (maybe in about 28 minutes).
Do not - Confuse your child with your pet. If there is leakage from the diaper (a phrase I never expected to type in this blog) that gets on your furniture or carpet, sticking the baby's nose in it while saying, "No! No!" will not accomplish much.
Further advice - No, really, keep a light mood about changing the diapers. After all, it's probably about time to do it again.
When traveling with baby...
Do - Be sure your car seat is installed properly in the back seat and snugly buckle the baby in on every trip.
Do not - Neglect the purchase of a car seat because your child is small and your vehicle has jumbo cup holders.
Further advice - At some point in your child's life, he or she will learn to read a map. Do not expect this to happen as an infant. Your baby will not be able to navigate for you on road trips.
When you have baby in public...
Do - Pick the baby up and carry him/her around outside/in the annex/in the lobby if he/she begins crying uncontrollably in church or at a movie.
Do not - Try to prove to the child that the crying bothers other people by crying yourself. Baby will not understand your point, and you may get some weird looks.
Further advice - You will find that your infant will be a popular subject of conversation, even among strangers. People would otherwise not say a word to you may ask you how old your baby is while in line at the market. Answer these inquiries politely, no matter how tired you are. Do not attempt to teach your child obscene gestures in order to repel potential conversationalists.
When walking the baby in your stroller...
Do - Take your time and enjoy the outdoors. It's called a "stroll"er for a reason.
Do not - Release the stroller atop any sort of incline in attempt to test the rig's top speed.
Further advice - Your stroller has wheels, however this does not mean it's road-ready. Avoid merging into any roadway that has motor traffic. Even if the sign on the interstate does not warn against stroller traffic, it is still ill-advised.
When spending time with the baby outdoors...
Do - Be sure the baby has proper sun protection. Wide-brimmed hats (perhaps a baby fedora?) and layers of sunscreen are good ideas.
Do not - Leave the child exposed to the sun and remove his/her shirt because you don't want it to get a farmer's tan.
Further advice - If the unfortunate occurs and there is some sort of stinging insect on your infant, calmly shoo it away. Never swat at the insect with a rolled up magazine while it is standing on your child. This may be viewed as "child abuse" and is widely frowned upon.
When the baby is sick/has a fever...
Do - Take it to the doctor.
Do not - Tell the baby to "toughen up," and follow that with a long-winded ranting detailing how you once went to work with a 102-degree fever and still got more done than your slacker co-workers that day, despite constant hallucinations involving Abe Lincoln, Slimer from Ghostbusters, and a game of Chinese Checkers.
Further advice - Your child's health is no laughing matter... The idea of two trained chimps playing ping pong while a third plays the Magnum P.I. theme song on kazoo, on the other hand, is a laughing matter.
... Ha. Crazy chimps.
When celebrating the baby's first birthday...
Do - Invite family and celebrate with a cake. The kid won't remember it, but you'll have the pictures and memories that you can use to embarrass him/her 15 years down the road.
Do not - Put the baby's face directly next to the solitary burning birthday candle atop the cake, expecting the infant to blow it out. Best case scenario, the kid sneezes it out and your cake has a little extra icing. Keeping the child with ever-developing mental capacity and motor skills away from open flames altogether is the safe route.
Further advice - As mentioned before, your child will not remember this party. Don't get too carried away. Hiring a clown is completely unnecessary, unless your goal is to make your child scream.
With so many couples achieving parent status, it seems to be a good time to share the limited knowledge I have on the subject of child rearing. I understand that a single guy in his 20s may not seem like the best source of parenting advice, but I have reviewed this handy guide - http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html - and done some puppy-sitting in my day. These facts alone may make me more qualified than at least a few parents out there.
On to the tips...
When reading to baby...
Do - Select a colorful book of stories or rhymes with a lot of illustrations and easy verbiage that will help the baby learn.
Do not - Select a text by someone like Stephen Hawking that details wormholes, antimatter, and quantum physics. No matter who you are or what you're interested in, baby's first word should not be "photon."
Further advice - Magazines do not count as story books. Sorry devoted readers of Guns & Ammo or TV Guide.
When putting baby to bed...
Do - Sing a lullaby or play soft, soothing music (if you're like the author and not fit to sing) to comfort the child.
Do not - Put baby to bed to thumping bass of tracks laid down by Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, or any other rap artist. You may find such tactics make the baby cry, and not even in rhythm.
Further advice - Playing any song on Guitar Hero III does not count as singing to the child. Granted, you may be able to do some sick shredding to Slayer's "Raining Blood," but you may find that your infant does not care if you've nabbed the title of "Rock Legend."
When it's time to change the baby...
Do - Keep a light mood about it. There's no use in getting frustrated, you'll be changing a few more in your future (maybe in about 28 minutes).
Do not - Confuse your child with your pet. If there is leakage from the diaper (a phrase I never expected to type in this blog) that gets on your furniture or carpet, sticking the baby's nose in it while saying, "No! No!" will not accomplish much.
Further advice - No, really, keep a light mood about changing the diapers. After all, it's probably about time to do it again.
When traveling with baby...
Do - Be sure your car seat is installed properly in the back seat and snugly buckle the baby in on every trip.
Do not - Neglect the purchase of a car seat because your child is small and your vehicle has jumbo cup holders.
Further advice - At some point in your child's life, he or she will learn to read a map. Do not expect this to happen as an infant. Your baby will not be able to navigate for you on road trips.
When you have baby in public...
Do - Pick the baby up and carry him/her around outside/in the annex/in the lobby if he/she begins crying uncontrollably in church or at a movie.
Do not - Try to prove to the child that the crying bothers other people by crying yourself. Baby will not understand your point, and you may get some weird looks.
Further advice - You will find that your infant will be a popular subject of conversation, even among strangers. People would otherwise not say a word to you may ask you how old your baby is while in line at the market. Answer these inquiries politely, no matter how tired you are. Do not attempt to teach your child obscene gestures in order to repel potential conversationalists.
When walking the baby in your stroller...
Do - Take your time and enjoy the outdoors. It's called a "stroll"er for a reason.
Do not - Release the stroller atop any sort of incline in attempt to test the rig's top speed.
Further advice - Your stroller has wheels, however this does not mean it's road-ready. Avoid merging into any roadway that has motor traffic. Even if the sign on the interstate does not warn against stroller traffic, it is still ill-advised.
When spending time with the baby outdoors...
Do - Be sure the baby has proper sun protection. Wide-brimmed hats (perhaps a baby fedora?) and layers of sunscreen are good ideas.
Do not - Leave the child exposed to the sun and remove his/her shirt because you don't want it to get a farmer's tan.
Further advice - If the unfortunate occurs and there is some sort of stinging insect on your infant, calmly shoo it away. Never swat at the insect with a rolled up magazine while it is standing on your child. This may be viewed as "child abuse" and is widely frowned upon.
When the baby is sick/has a fever...
Do - Take it to the doctor.
Do not - Tell the baby to "toughen up," and follow that with a long-winded ranting detailing how you once went to work with a 102-degree fever and still got more done than your slacker co-workers that day, despite constant hallucinations involving Abe Lincoln, Slimer from Ghostbusters, and a game of Chinese Checkers.
Further advice - Your child's health is no laughing matter... The idea of two trained chimps playing ping pong while a third plays the Magnum P.I. theme song on kazoo, on the other hand, is a laughing matter.
... Ha. Crazy chimps.
When celebrating the baby's first birthday...
Do - Invite family and celebrate with a cake. The kid won't remember it, but you'll have the pictures and memories that you can use to embarrass him/her 15 years down the road.
Do not - Put the baby's face directly next to the solitary burning birthday candle atop the cake, expecting the infant to blow it out. Best case scenario, the kid sneezes it out and your cake has a little extra icing. Keeping the child with ever-developing mental capacity and motor skills away from open flames altogether is the safe route.
Further advice - As mentioned before, your child will not remember this party. Don't get too carried away. Hiring a clown is completely unnecessary, unless your goal is to make your child scream.
If you are a parent/future parent, I hope this advice proves beneficial.
If you know a parent/future parent, feel free to pass these points along.
If you are now dumber after having read this writing, you certainly aren't this first that's happened to.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Word to the Wise
When it comes to the world that we live in, there are plenty of subjects of which I am ignorant.
Who led the English Premier League in goals in 2006? No clue.
What is the best way to make a delectable creme brulee? I haven't the slightest idea.
What is any female thinking at any given time? That's obviously beyond my comprehension.
Who was Bread's lead singer? (Insert clueless expression here).
My lack of knowledge is readily apparent, but I recently figured out that I do know at least one thing - and I'm certain of it.
Please prepare to write this down... I'll give you time to grab something to write with. Seriously, get a pen, pencil, marker, or finger dipped in pudding. I'll pass the time by listing all the shows on MTV that I deem worthwhile:
We'll start with... well...
...hmmm...
... 3 South?... No, they canceled that years ago...
... I Love the 80s?... Nope, that's VH1...
... Wow, this is proving difficult...
Hey, look at that! You've found a writing utensil! (If you are currently holding a Ritz cracker, I'm sorry, but you'll have to make it work.)
Anyway, I hope you're ready for a piece of advice to carry with you for the rest of your Earthly journey. Here it is:
The shelf life of a Twizzler Pull-n-Peel is significantly shorter than the seven months and 18 days that have passed since last Halloween.
How I came about this ground-breaking information is no one's business but my own.
Who led the English Premier League in goals in 2006? No clue.
What is the best way to make a delectable creme brulee? I haven't the slightest idea.
What is any female thinking at any given time? That's obviously beyond my comprehension.
Who was Bread's lead singer? (Insert clueless expression here).
My lack of knowledge is readily apparent, but I recently figured out that I do know at least one thing - and I'm certain of it.
Please prepare to write this down... I'll give you time to grab something to write with. Seriously, get a pen, pencil, marker, or finger dipped in pudding. I'll pass the time by listing all the shows on MTV that I deem worthwhile:
We'll start with... well...
...hmmm...
... 3 South?... No, they canceled that years ago...
... I Love the 80s?... Nope, that's VH1...
... Wow, this is proving difficult...
Hey, look at that! You've found a writing utensil! (If you are currently holding a Ritz cracker, I'm sorry, but you'll have to make it work.)
Anyway, I hope you're ready for a piece of advice to carry with you for the rest of your Earthly journey. Here it is:
The shelf life of a Twizzler Pull-n-Peel is significantly shorter than the seven months and 18 days that have passed since last Halloween.
How I came about this ground-breaking information is no one's business but my own.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Getting a Stew Going
There are no particular themes here. Just tossing ideas in the proverbial pot to create blog stew... A big thank you goes to Carl Weathers of Arrested Development fame (what do you mean he was in Rocky? And Rockys II-IV? And Predator? And Happy Gilmore?) for providing this title of this entry.
-Yesterday, a co-worker told me that I "look tired." Granted, with some overtime being put in and the fact that I have been waking up earlier than normal, I was tired. I guess it could be a good thing that my appearance is not dishonest.
Nevertheless, I also realize that when someone is told that they "look tired" it often is a nice way of being told"you look like you were run down by a stampede of ill-tempered wildebeests shortly after spending a sleepless night getting repeatedly flicked in the eyeballs by the Boogeyman's distant cousin, the the Think-you-can-dance-but-you're-only-fooling-yourselfman." Congratulations, self.
- I have just discovered an actor/actress triumvirate that I never dreamed possible. The title of the program eludes me, but it appears that Gilbert Gottfried, Bill Bellamy, and the girl who played Lisa Turtle on Saved By the Bell appear in the same cast. I am too lazy to look this up, but I'm nearly positive that it had to win some awards.
- The story of Nick "Hogan"'s car accident and subsequent arrest is a horrible one for all parties involved, but it is also getting entirely too much media coverage. Therefore, I'm not addressing that issue, but another item that is far more trivial. It makes absolutely no sense that the media refers to the son of Hulk Hogan as Nick "Hogan." After all, "Hogan" was a stage/ring name. The Hulkster's true last name is Bollea*. It is utterly asinine to refer to the rest of his family with the Hogan surname. If I ever have a son, he's not going to go by the last name "Flute," despite the fact that I played a candy flute in an elementary school production of The Nutcracker... I guess I'm old-fashioned.
*I realize that the fact that I know Hulk Hogan's real last name is probably a huge strike against me in the game of life (real life, not the board game with plastic cars)... but, I'm getting used to seeing those total up like Randy Johnson pitching against the Bad News Bears.
- I enjoy fantasy football as much as most participants, but aren't we getting a little carried away when we start devoting television coverage to it in June? The pointlessness of the preseason doesn't even begin until August, only three first-round draft picks have even signed contracts at this point, and the Bengals have hardly had time to have any players be arrested. We've got to give these folks some time.
- I received an abundance of questions** after updating my status on a popular social-networking web site (hint: it rhymes with racenook) with a quote on the subject of powdered gravy consumption from one of my favorite television programs. It was at this point that I was reminded that several things I reference may be deemed nonsense to the average person. Look for The Complete Guide to Understanding Derek Larson in bookstores near you.
**Should it concern me that some people who know me actually thought I would eat a packet of powdered gravy I found in a parking lot?
-Yesterday, a co-worker told me that I "look tired." Granted, with some overtime being put in and the fact that I have been waking up earlier than normal, I was tired. I guess it could be a good thing that my appearance is not dishonest.
Nevertheless, I also realize that when someone is told that they "look tired" it often is a nice way of being told"you look like you were run down by a stampede of ill-tempered wildebeests shortly after spending a sleepless night getting repeatedly flicked in the eyeballs by the Boogeyman's distant cousin, the the Think-you-can-dance-but-you're-only-fooling-yourselfman." Congratulations, self.
- I have just discovered an actor/actress triumvirate that I never dreamed possible. The title of the program eludes me, but it appears that Gilbert Gottfried, Bill Bellamy, and the girl who played Lisa Turtle on Saved By the Bell appear in the same cast. I am too lazy to look this up, but I'm nearly positive that it had to win some awards.
- The story of Nick "Hogan"'s car accident and subsequent arrest is a horrible one for all parties involved, but it is also getting entirely too much media coverage. Therefore, I'm not addressing that issue, but another item that is far more trivial. It makes absolutely no sense that the media refers to the son of Hulk Hogan as Nick "Hogan." After all, "Hogan" was a stage/ring name. The Hulkster's true last name is Bollea*. It is utterly asinine to refer to the rest of his family with the Hogan surname. If I ever have a son, he's not going to go by the last name "Flute," despite the fact that I played a candy flute in an elementary school production of The Nutcracker... I guess I'm old-fashioned.
*I realize that the fact that I know Hulk Hogan's real last name is probably a huge strike against me in the game of life (real life, not the board game with plastic cars)... but, I'm getting used to seeing those total up like Randy Johnson pitching against the Bad News Bears.
- I enjoy fantasy football as much as most participants, but aren't we getting a little carried away when we start devoting television coverage to it in June? The pointlessness of the preseason doesn't even begin until August, only three first-round draft picks have even signed contracts at this point, and the Bengals have hardly had time to have any players be arrested. We've got to give these folks some time.
- I received an abundance of questions** after updating my status on a popular social-networking web site (hint: it rhymes with racenook) with a quote on the subject of powdered gravy consumption from one of my favorite television programs. It was at this point that I was reminded that several things I reference may be deemed nonsense to the average person. Look for The Complete Guide to Understanding Derek Larson in bookstores near you.
**Should it concern me that some people who know me actually thought I would eat a packet of powdered gravy I found in a parking lot?
Monday, June 09, 2008
The Name Game
Names.
We all have them, and very few of us played a part in choosing them. It's interesting.
Sometimes names can even seem to affect one's personality (ever heard someone say, "Y'know, she looks like an Agnes" or "He looks like a Floyd"?), yet, aside from those that go by stage names or those who had really lazy parents ("Hell, I don't know what to name him. Wait 'til he can talk and let him decide."... Surely that's how someone gets the name "Cookie," right?), none of us had any input in choosing the monikers that would follow us like loyal pets (or irritating spam e-mails... I'm not looking for a great deal on Viagra. I'm sorry.) for the rest of our lives.
Normally, I might not spend much time pondering what goes in to choosing a name, but it turns out that 2008 is the Year of the Newborn (also the Year of the Rat, according to the Chinese calendar... I like my phrasing better). In DL history (please note: records only go back to 1982), there has never been as many family members, friends, acquaintances, enemies (... okay, not enemies... yet) receiving visits from the baby delivery stork* as there have been/will be in 2008.
*I am too lazy to look this up, but I am trying to figure out why the stork was designated as the UPS of ornithological baby delivery. Why not an osprey? Or a pelican? Maybe a flock of finches could team up to deliver the "bundle of joy."
With so many people entering the "DL Circle of People He Recognizes" it also means that several new names must be added to the "DL List of Names He Better Not Forget." With this in mind (and at the suggestion of one reader), I figured I better offer any advice I might have to those who will have the task of choosing the perfect name ahead of them.
One obvious consideration is the harmonic agreement among the first, middle, and last names. You want to pick something that sounds natural. If your last name is Smith, you might lean away from naming your child Adolph (actually, if you're having a child, you might considering crossing the name Adolph off your list, regardless of your last name... Just an idea.)
In the case of my family, the last name of my future niece or nephew (we'll get to that in a minute) will be Myers. In such a case, the name Oscar immediately springs to mind as a fantastic option for a young boy (or even a girl... to a much, much lesser extent). The middle name could even be Frankfurt.
When the gender of the child is unknown during the tossing about of the potential names, it can make things a little more difficult. Even something as simple as referring to the future toddler as "he" or "she" is out the window. Nevertheless, this does not mean you should give in and have your potential surprise ruined for the sake of pronouns. You just need to be careful how you refer to the kid (you don't want to risk getting the baby ticked off when it has a chance to kick vital organs of a family member). In the case of my future niece or nephew, I took the obvious route. I call the kid "Niecephew." It's easy. It covers all available options (female, male,... other?). And, honestly, I think it is a name with potential. It is my hope that Niecephew, makes the final list of names considered.
Now, if one chooses to take the more "conventional" route and go against choosing a ground-breaking name offered by a future-uncle, another option that might be considered is basing the name off the child's heritage. The Larson family hails from Sweden, which brings forth an abundance of options. However, one thing that must be considered when pursuing this route is whether or not the name may play a role in determining the child's future.
Is a child named Bjorn more likely to become a tennis pro? Or if you name your kid Sven, will he be more likely to wear thick sweaters all the time? What if named your little girl Heidi? Would she pick flowers in the mountains, always refer to her grandpa as "Grandfather" and have a tendency to interrupt the watching of football games at crucial moments**?
**I obviously know extremely little about the actual plot of the novel, motion picture, and TV movie, "Heidi." Forgive my ignorance... Although you should probably be used to it by now.
If you've considered the aforementioned options, but you're still coming up empty, you can always consider looking to the world of movies, television, music, or sports for inspiration. For instance, if, down the road, I were to look to my favorite TV character for the name of a son, I'd be blessed with a kid named Homer Larson... Maybe that wasn't the best illustration.
If Paul Simon is your favorite musical artist, you might wind up calling your kid "Al." If it's Johnny Cash, you may have a boy named "Sue." If your favorite actor is Harrison Ford, you could name your son "Indiana" or "Han." Maybe you love the show "The Real World" so much that you want nothing more than to parade around on it someday. Then you might just name your little girl "Oops."
It may be that you have reviewed all these wonderful tips (that should probably be compiled in book form and sold in stores(that's not a compliment of my work. There are books out there with nothing but names, for goodness sake... JUST NAMES)), but you're still unsure what the child currently called Womb Dweller will be named once it sees the light of day. That's understandable. The most important thing to remember is that, no matter how much advice you receive or how many baby name books you read, the most important thing is that the name is something both the parents and the child will be able to take pride in. No one can make make the decision but you, future parents.
... although...
"Derek" is a pretty good name. I mean, it's versatile, distinguished, and can really fit with any last name you might have.
Seriously, it's an excellent name.
Think about it.
We all have them, and very few of us played a part in choosing them. It's interesting.
Sometimes names can even seem to affect one's personality (ever heard someone say, "Y'know, she looks like an Agnes" or "He looks like a Floyd"?), yet, aside from those that go by stage names or those who had really lazy parents ("Hell, I don't know what to name him. Wait 'til he can talk and let him decide."... Surely that's how someone gets the name "Cookie," right?), none of us had any input in choosing the monikers that would follow us like loyal pets (or irritating spam e-mails... I'm not looking for a great deal on Viagra. I'm sorry.) for the rest of our lives.
Normally, I might not spend much time pondering what goes in to choosing a name, but it turns out that 2008 is the Year of the Newborn (also the Year of the Rat, according to the Chinese calendar... I like my phrasing better). In DL history (please note: records only go back to 1982), there has never been as many family members, friends, acquaintances, enemies (... okay, not enemies... yet) receiving visits from the baby delivery stork* as there have been/will be in 2008.
*I am too lazy to look this up, but I am trying to figure out why the stork was designated as the UPS of ornithological baby delivery. Why not an osprey? Or a pelican? Maybe a flock of finches could team up to deliver the "bundle of joy."
With so many people entering the "DL Circle of People He Recognizes" it also means that several new names must be added to the "DL List of Names He Better Not Forget." With this in mind (and at the suggestion of one reader), I figured I better offer any advice I might have to those who will have the task of choosing the perfect name ahead of them.
One obvious consideration is the harmonic agreement among the first, middle, and last names. You want to pick something that sounds natural. If your last name is Smith, you might lean away from naming your child Adolph (actually, if you're having a child, you might considering crossing the name Adolph off your list, regardless of your last name... Just an idea.)
In the case of my family, the last name of my future niece or nephew (we'll get to that in a minute) will be Myers. In such a case, the name Oscar immediately springs to mind as a fantastic option for a young boy (or even a girl... to a much, much lesser extent). The middle name could even be Frankfurt.
When the gender of the child is unknown during the tossing about of the potential names, it can make things a little more difficult. Even something as simple as referring to the future toddler as "he" or "she" is out the window. Nevertheless, this does not mean you should give in and have your potential surprise ruined for the sake of pronouns. You just need to be careful how you refer to the kid (you don't want to risk getting the baby ticked off when it has a chance to kick vital organs of a family member). In the case of my future niece or nephew, I took the obvious route. I call the kid "Niecephew." It's easy. It covers all available options (female, male,... other?). And, honestly, I think it is a name with potential. It is my hope that Niecephew, makes the final list of names considered.
Now, if one chooses to take the more "conventional" route and go against choosing a ground-breaking name offered by a future-uncle, another option that might be considered is basing the name off the child's heritage. The Larson family hails from Sweden, which brings forth an abundance of options. However, one thing that must be considered when pursuing this route is whether or not the name may play a role in determining the child's future.
Is a child named Bjorn more likely to become a tennis pro? Or if you name your kid Sven, will he be more likely to wear thick sweaters all the time? What if named your little girl Heidi? Would she pick flowers in the mountains, always refer to her grandpa as "Grandfather" and have a tendency to interrupt the watching of football games at crucial moments**?
**I obviously know extremely little about the actual plot of the novel, motion picture, and TV movie, "Heidi." Forgive my ignorance... Although you should probably be used to it by now.
If you've considered the aforementioned options, but you're still coming up empty, you can always consider looking to the world of movies, television, music, or sports for inspiration. For instance, if, down the road, I were to look to my favorite TV character for the name of a son, I'd be blessed with a kid named Homer Larson... Maybe that wasn't the best illustration.
If Paul Simon is your favorite musical artist, you might wind up calling your kid "Al." If it's Johnny Cash, you may have a boy named "Sue." If your favorite actor is Harrison Ford, you could name your son "Indiana" or "Han." Maybe you love the show "The Real World" so much that you want nothing more than to parade around on it someday. Then you might just name your little girl "Oops."
It may be that you have reviewed all these wonderful tips (that should probably be compiled in book form and sold in stores(that's not a compliment of my work. There are books out there with nothing but names, for goodness sake... JUST NAMES)), but you're still unsure what the child currently called Womb Dweller will be named once it sees the light of day. That's understandable. The most important thing to remember is that, no matter how much advice you receive or how many baby name books you read, the most important thing is that the name is something both the parents and the child will be able to take pride in. No one can make make the decision but you, future parents.
... although...
"Derek" is a pretty good name. I mean, it's versatile, distinguished, and can really fit with any last name you might have.
Seriously, it's an excellent name.
Think about it.
Friday, June 06, 2008
ABCDEFG... (continue at your own pace)
Quick, stop what you're doing.
Okay, wait, don't take that too literally (I guess if you had, you wouldn't be reading this far... This is far too much thinking this early in the writing), but be prepared to follow these instructions. You need to open up a new web window of this blog page*, and then click the "Next Blog>>" link found at the top of the page.
*Why open a new window? Because you certainly don't want to tear yourself away from The Writings?
Anyway, after clicking the "Next Blog>>" button, where were you taken? A site created by a girl that is basically an online apology to a guy we can only assume is now an EX-boyfriend**?
**Believe it or not, that blog is not titled "I'm a Little Floozy." ... Maybe I should e-mail that suggestion in.
Perhaps you traversed through this web that spans the world to a blog housing a photo collection of people looking less-than-thrilled to be learning about building computers. It could be that you even found a blog written entirely in a language you do not comprehend, let alone recognize, but that contains pictures that you can craft your own hilarious captions to in your head*** (no? That's just me?).
*** Also known as "the jackpot."
It turns out that this link found at the top of the page is a bit like the Orchid Station from the world of Lost****. Clicking it is "dangerous and unpredictable. It's a measure of last resort." While the Orchid moves an entire island through space and/or time, this link moves your browser through cyberspace and wastes your time. Frankly, I'm surprised at where I end up every time I click that random link. I am probably enjoying this a little too much.
****I realize several of you may not watch Lost... Yeah, I certainly never go off on tangents that others don't understand.
It also turns out that most people out there who have blogs also have themes for their blogs. It may be a family photo blog, a gadget review blog, or something used to sell clothes, but it seems like most other blogs out there have a particular reason for being online in the first place.
... Then there's The Writings, which exist to... uh...
... Well...
... ("think, Derek, think.... Entertain?... No, they certainly won't buy that... Serve the greater good?... Nope, that doesn't really make sense... Provide the best cornbread recipes west of the Mississippi?.... Ugh... Wait, I've got it!)...
The Writings, a blog that exists to combat illiteracy. Remember, if you can read this, you aren't illiterate.
I'm just trying to do my part.
Okay, wait, don't take that too literally (I guess if you had, you wouldn't be reading this far... This is far too much thinking this early in the writing), but be prepared to follow these instructions. You need to open up a new web window of this blog page*, and then click the "Next Blog>>" link found at the top of the page.
*Why open a new window? Because you certainly don't want to tear yourself away from The Writings?
Anyway, after clicking the "Next Blog>>" button, where were you taken? A site created by a girl that is basically an online apology to a guy we can only assume is now an EX-boyfriend**?
**Believe it or not, that blog is not titled "I'm a Little Floozy." ... Maybe I should e-mail that suggestion in.
Perhaps you traversed through this web that spans the world to a blog housing a photo collection of people looking less-than-thrilled to be learning about building computers. It could be that you even found a blog written entirely in a language you do not comprehend, let alone recognize, but that contains pictures that you can craft your own hilarious captions to in your head*** (no? That's just me?).
*** Also known as "the jackpot."
It turns out that this link found at the top of the page is a bit like the Orchid Station from the world of Lost****. Clicking it is "dangerous and unpredictable. It's a measure of last resort." While the Orchid moves an entire island through space and/or time, this link moves your browser through cyberspace and wastes your time. Frankly, I'm surprised at where I end up every time I click that random link. I am probably enjoying this a little too much.
****I realize several of you may not watch Lost... Yeah, I certainly never go off on tangents that others don't understand.
It also turns out that most people out there who have blogs also have themes for their blogs. It may be a family photo blog, a gadget review blog, or something used to sell clothes, but it seems like most other blogs out there have a particular reason for being online in the first place.
... Then there's The Writings, which exist to... uh...
... Well...
... ("think, Derek, think.... Entertain?... No, they certainly won't buy that... Serve the greater good?... Nope, that doesn't really make sense... Provide the best cornbread recipes west of the Mississippi?.... Ugh... Wait, I've got it!)...
The Writings, a blog that exists to combat illiteracy. Remember, if you can read this, you aren't illiterate.
I'm just trying to do my part.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
... But Still More Successful Than the Author's Last Date...
Tony Pena, Jr., - Royals shortstop and free-swinger extraordinaire - enters tonight's game against the Chicago White Sox with a .158 batting average.
For those of you who may not be familiar with baseball or the stats that come along with it, a .158 batting average is horrid. Actually, horrid may not be a strong enough term. With a .158 batting average, Pena has a slightly better chance of getting a hit each time at the plate than I do of stepping into a gnome-crafted inflatable pool filled with gummi worms and Alf pogs when I wake up tomorrow morning.
I have done some ground-breaking research, and what follows is a list of people and things that may have a better chance of getting a hit in a Major League batter's box than Pena, Jr...
- George Brett... swinging a licorice rope instead of a bat.
- A blind Yorkshire terrier.
- A football tackling dummy.
- Sr., Ynot Anep (the bizarro Tony Pena, Jr.)
- Colonel Sanders swinging a drumstick.
- An inanimate carbon rod.
- Lupus from "Bad News Bears."
- Omaha Royals SS Angel Berroa (I can't believe I just typed that).
*Please note: This Writing is for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
... After all, we all know that Derek would never take the time to do actual research.
For those of you who may not be familiar with baseball or the stats that come along with it, a .158 batting average is horrid. Actually, horrid may not be a strong enough term. With a .158 batting average, Pena has a slightly better chance of getting a hit each time at the plate than I do of stepping into a gnome-crafted inflatable pool filled with gummi worms and Alf pogs when I wake up tomorrow morning.
I have done some ground-breaking research, and what follows is a list of people and things that may have a better chance of getting a hit in a Major League batter's box than Pena, Jr...
- George Brett... swinging a licorice rope instead of a bat.
- A blind Yorkshire terrier.
- A football tackling dummy.
- Sr., Ynot Anep (the bizarro Tony Pena, Jr.)
- Colonel Sanders swinging a drumstick.
- An inanimate carbon rod.
- Lupus from "Bad News Bears."
- Omaha Royals SS Angel Berroa (I can't believe I just typed that).
*Please note: This Writing is for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
... After all, we all know that Derek would never take the time to do actual research.
Monday, June 02, 2008
What the Hail?
I have always enjoyed Spring and Summer rainstorms. There's something about the combination of the rain falling and the occasional flash of lightning and crack of thunder that creates an almost tranquil atmosphere for me.
It turns out I'm not such a big fan of the storms that bring hail along with them.
... Neither is my car.
With a substantial storm rolling through the Little Apple today, my car has seemingly suffered the consequences.
Picture a spider with a torso no larger than a ladybug, but nine legs (it's a mutated spider), six of which are around two-feet long. Now picture this arachnid squished flat on a large pane of glass, the likes of which one might find at the anterior of a motor vehicle. This is the ailment (spider fracture... call it an "arachture") currently plaguing my poor mode of gas-powered conveyance.
To conclude this exercise, picture a gangly 25-year-old staring at the arachture, looking like the Royals reacquired Neifi Perez. That's me, realizing how much it will cost to replace the windshield.
It's funny, I was not really sure where I was going to take this after the previous paragraph, but I just realized something... Ice has proven my foil yet again!
Over the past year-and-a-half, the frozen form of water has firmly established itself as the Wes Mantooth to my Ron Burgandy. It has yet to start a gang-war with me involving local TV news personalities, but it has done just about everything short of it. It has broken my wrist, shut of my power, caused a bevy of brain-freezes, watered down my soda, and now violently attacked my car.
I have tried to resolve our issues in a peaceful nature: refilling ice trays as necessary, avoiding ice skating at all costs, and not even thinking about tossing any ice cubes in a blender. Nevertheless, Ice seemingly does not favor the idea of a pleasant resolution to our differences. I'm beginning to fear the thought of chilling my drinks with covalently bonded hydrogen and oxygen atom cooled to zero-degrees Celsius. Who knows when a covert cube will wreak havoc on my insides?
The only option I have left is fighting back. I'm defrosting my freezer, buying a blowtorch and an ice pick, and heading to the Arctic. I may even swear off any television show, movie or song featuring Ice T, Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and similarly named artists. Sorry Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, but Ice has gone too far.
It turns out I'm not such a big fan of the storms that bring hail along with them.
... Neither is my car.
With a substantial storm rolling through the Little Apple today, my car has seemingly suffered the consequences.
Picture a spider with a torso no larger than a ladybug, but nine legs (it's a mutated spider), six of which are around two-feet long. Now picture this arachnid squished flat on a large pane of glass, the likes of which one might find at the anterior of a motor vehicle. This is the ailment (spider fracture... call it an "arachture") currently plaguing my poor mode of gas-powered conveyance.
To conclude this exercise, picture a gangly 25-year-old staring at the arachture, looking like the Royals reacquired Neifi Perez. That's me, realizing how much it will cost to replace the windshield.
It's funny, I was not really sure where I was going to take this after the previous paragraph, but I just realized something... Ice has proven my foil yet again!
Over the past year-and-a-half, the frozen form of water has firmly established itself as the Wes Mantooth to my Ron Burgandy. It has yet to start a gang-war with me involving local TV news personalities, but it has done just about everything short of it. It has broken my wrist, shut of my power, caused a bevy of brain-freezes, watered down my soda, and now violently attacked my car.
I have tried to resolve our issues in a peaceful nature: refilling ice trays as necessary, avoiding ice skating at all costs, and not even thinking about tossing any ice cubes in a blender. Nevertheless, Ice seemingly does not favor the idea of a pleasant resolution to our differences. I'm beginning to fear the thought of chilling my drinks with covalently bonded hydrogen and oxygen atom cooled to zero-degrees Celsius. Who knows when a covert cube will wreak havoc on my insides?
The only option I have left is fighting back. I'm defrosting my freezer, buying a blowtorch and an ice pick, and heading to the Arctic. I may even swear off any television show, movie or song featuring Ice T, Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and similarly named artists. Sorry Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, but Ice has gone too far.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Are we really to that point?
Random observation of the day...
Driving by convenience store today, I noticed the message posted on the store's sign read:
Help Wanted
Apply Inside
Driving on to have my mode of conveyance's oil changed and tires rotated, I thought to myself, "Should I be insulted?"
No, I'm not one to be offended by the idea of a business offering employment. (Such thinking would have me struggling to make a buck.)
The part of the message that irritated me like a bit of popcorn kernel stuck in my craw. (ed. note - Apparently humans don't have any "craws" to speak of. It refers to the preliminary stomach of things like fowl... Is this common knowledge? Or can this writing be considered educational?)
"Apply Inside"
If I were a job seeker looking for a position at a convenience store and I happened upon a sign that said "Help Wanted," I like to think that I would be intuitive enough to realize that the application process would probably begin inside that very store.
Have there been problems in the past, with job seekers crowding around "Help Wanted" signs, expecting to find applications at that very spot?
I can see it now... Dozens of dreamers - who hope to one day be able to sell cigarettes, soda and lottery tickets to all who walk through the store's glass doors - waiting patiently next to a sign, just hoping that the applications for the open position will soon appear.
One potential store clerk receives a call on his cell phone.
Job seeker: Hey man. (Please forgive the use of speech styles common among young folks today... Oh yeah, I'm hip.)
Job seeker's friend: Hey dude, we're going grab some chow. You in?
Job seeker: Dude, I'd love to... but, I'm applying for a job.
Friend: Sweet man. How's that going?
Job seeker: Okay, I think. I've been waiting by this sign for, like, three hours and haven't dozed off yet. The boss guy has to be impressed by that.
Friend: Waiting by a sign? Did the application say you had to do that?
Job seeker: No man. The applications aren't even out here... I think this is like a weeding out process or something.
Friend: So did someone tell you waiting there was part of applying?
Job seeker: No man. But there was a dude out here already when I got here.
Friend: So you're just waiting by a sign that says they're hiring. Did you go inside to ask about the job?
Job seeker: No, no, no... The sign doesn't say anything about going inside. It just says "Help Wanted."
Friend: Oh... okay. Cool man. Good luck.
If there really are people who struggle with this line of thinking to the point that they have to be told to apply inside, is adding that line enough? I think we may need to add further clarification. My suggestion:
Help Wanted
Apply Inside
----------->
This Store
----------->
Please ask store employee for application
Fill out application with a properly functioning writing utensil
Please return application to store employee to be considered for position
If hired, please report back to this location when your employment begins
I think we're going to need some bigger signs.
Driving by convenience store today, I noticed the message posted on the store's sign read:
Help Wanted
Apply Inside
Driving on to have my mode of conveyance's oil changed and tires rotated, I thought to myself, "Should I be insulted?"
No, I'm not one to be offended by the idea of a business offering employment. (Such thinking would have me struggling to make a buck.)
The part of the message that irritated me like a bit of popcorn kernel stuck in my craw. (ed. note - Apparently humans don't have any "craws" to speak of. It refers to the preliminary stomach of things like fowl... Is this common knowledge? Or can this writing be considered educational?)
"Apply Inside"
If I were a job seeker looking for a position at a convenience store and I happened upon a sign that said "Help Wanted," I like to think that I would be intuitive enough to realize that the application process would probably begin inside that very store.
Have there been problems in the past, with job seekers crowding around "Help Wanted" signs, expecting to find applications at that very spot?
I can see it now... Dozens of dreamers - who hope to one day be able to sell cigarettes, soda and lottery tickets to all who walk through the store's glass doors - waiting patiently next to a sign, just hoping that the applications for the open position will soon appear.
One potential store clerk receives a call on his cell phone.
Job seeker: Hey man. (Please forgive the use of speech styles common among young folks today... Oh yeah, I'm hip.)
Job seeker's friend: Hey dude, we're going grab some chow. You in?
Job seeker: Dude, I'd love to... but, I'm applying for a job.
Friend: Sweet man. How's that going?
Job seeker: Okay, I think. I've been waiting by this sign for, like, three hours and haven't dozed off yet. The boss guy has to be impressed by that.
Friend: Waiting by a sign? Did the application say you had to do that?
Job seeker: No man. The applications aren't even out here... I think this is like a weeding out process or something.
Friend: So did someone tell you waiting there was part of applying?
Job seeker: No man. But there was a dude out here already when I got here.
Friend: So you're just waiting by a sign that says they're hiring. Did you go inside to ask about the job?
Job seeker: No, no, no... The sign doesn't say anything about going inside. It just says "Help Wanted."
Friend: Oh... okay. Cool man. Good luck.
If there really are people who struggle with this line of thinking to the point that they have to be told to apply inside, is adding that line enough? I think we may need to add further clarification. My suggestion:
Help Wanted
Apply Inside
----------->
This Store
----------->
Please ask store employee for application
Fill out application with a properly functioning writing utensil
Please return application to store employee to be considered for position
If hired, please report back to this location when your employment begins
I think we're going to need some bigger signs.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Wish You Weren't Here
Last night, the Kansas City Royals picked up as many hits (0) in their game against the Boston Red Sox as I did. Today, I found myself visiting both the dentist's office and the doctor's office. Believe it or not, all three of these happenings fall significantly short of my "Big List of Anticipated Events" (available at a liststore near you!). This line of thinking put my mind into action. If I were compiling a list of the places I enjoy being less than all others, where might these fall? Naturally, the only course of action left for me to take was to do just that.
What follows is a list of the nine locations that make me feel less comfortable than a hog on a spit. (Why nine? Because ten gets all the glory.)
9. Trendy clothing stores
A dose of breaking news here at The Writings: I'm not trendy. I don't dig wearing plaid shorts or several layers of collared shirts. Cool points be damned, setting foot in such places makes me feel like a Jenga block trying to be forced into a jigsaw puzzle.
8. Talking to the person that won't let conversations end
It's happened to all of us. You're at the market and you run into someone you know, but you don't know them that well. Nevertheless, you say hello, because you aren't a jerk. What follows is a lengthy diatribe from the other individual in the conversation, addressing topics from family to the hamburger steaks on sale at the end of the aisle. Any attempt to end the conversation on your part is either ignored or countered with an anecdote about their new business venture.
7. Ardmore, Okla.
The last trip there involved an incompetent hotel staff and a fast food employee who had to seek help with the register from some who was not even employed there.
6. A Jonny-on-the-Job
I'm not sure this one needs an autopsy.
5. The doctor's office
The sheer nature of the doctor's office promotes an anxiety-filled environment. On top of accepting the fact that health is in question, you have to sit in that waiting room... and - for reasons unknown - there is always that one person in the waiting room that enjoys staring. It's like they're trying to guess what you're in for ("Hmmm... All appendages seem to be intact. No whooping cough, projectile vomiting or cauliflower ear... I wonder what bird flu sufferers look like...). Staring back has little effect, either, as those truly dedicated to waiting room staring remain unfazed no matter what hurdle presents itself.
4. Speaking in front of a large group
I am an eloquent speaker in the same sense that Elmer Fudd was an excellent hunter. When it comes to public speaking, my mind may have good ideas as to what messages it wants to convey, but my mouth apparently has the power of veto and enjoys making me sound like a fool.
3. The dentist's chair
I guess I just have some hangup about seeing smoke drifting out of my mouth while the high-pitched squeal of a drill resonates in my ears. Apparently the adult contemporary music isn't quite enough to sooth my nerves.
2. Anywhere after watching the Wildcats/Chiefs/Royals lose a gut-wrenching game
Sure, I take sports a bit too seriously, but I can't recall being much angrier than I was after the Fiesta Bowl in 2004.
1. Lawrence, Kan.
"Faithful to our colors, we will ever be..."
What follows is a list of the nine locations that make me feel less comfortable than a hog on a spit. (Why nine? Because ten gets all the glory.)
9. Trendy clothing stores
A dose of breaking news here at The Writings: I'm not trendy. I don't dig wearing plaid shorts or several layers of collared shirts. Cool points be damned, setting foot in such places makes me feel like a Jenga block trying to be forced into a jigsaw puzzle.
8. Talking to the person that won't let conversations end
It's happened to all of us. You're at the market and you run into someone you know, but you don't know them that well. Nevertheless, you say hello, because you aren't a jerk. What follows is a lengthy diatribe from the other individual in the conversation, addressing topics from family to the hamburger steaks on sale at the end of the aisle. Any attempt to end the conversation on your part is either ignored or countered with an anecdote about their new business venture.
7. Ardmore, Okla.
The last trip there involved an incompetent hotel staff and a fast food employee who had to seek help with the register from some who was not even employed there.
6. A Jonny-on-the-Job
I'm not sure this one needs an autopsy.
5. The doctor's office
The sheer nature of the doctor's office promotes an anxiety-filled environment. On top of accepting the fact that health is in question, you have to sit in that waiting room... and - for reasons unknown - there is always that one person in the waiting room that enjoys staring. It's like they're trying to guess what you're in for ("Hmmm... All appendages seem to be intact. No whooping cough, projectile vomiting or cauliflower ear... I wonder what bird flu sufferers look like...). Staring back has little effect, either, as those truly dedicated to waiting room staring remain unfazed no matter what hurdle presents itself.
4. Speaking in front of a large group
I am an eloquent speaker in the same sense that Elmer Fudd was an excellent hunter. When it comes to public speaking, my mind may have good ideas as to what messages it wants to convey, but my mouth apparently has the power of veto and enjoys making me sound like a fool.
3. The dentist's chair
I guess I just have some hangup about seeing smoke drifting out of my mouth while the high-pitched squeal of a drill resonates in my ears. Apparently the adult contemporary music isn't quite enough to sooth my nerves.
2. Anywhere after watching the Wildcats/Chiefs/Royals lose a gut-wrenching game
Sure, I take sports a bit too seriously, but I can't recall being much angrier than I was after the Fiesta Bowl in 2004.
1. Lawrence, Kan.
"Faithful to our colors, we will ever be..."
Monday, May 12, 2008
It's the Little Things
A great man once said, "To truly get the most out of life, once must find joy in the smallest details."
... That may or may not be true. If no "great man" ever said that phrase, we'll pretend I fall in that category, solely for the sake of my introduction, as I've grown quite fond of it.
Such opportunities to take a sip of all life's tap has to offer can present themselves anywhere... even the gas station.
With the cost of gasoline getting ever closer to the "sell my car and research dromedarian sources of conveyance" point, I certainly did not expect the gas station feeling like I'd just won first prize in a Swedish spelling bee.
As I pulled up to the the second in a pair of pumps, I grew a little concerned, as I was not sure the length of hose available would be enough to allow the nozzle to reach the my gas tank. The car parked at the pump directly in front of me had not practiced smart gas station etiquette, and had left me precious little room to pull my car up. Luckily for the car at my anterior, my parents raised me to know it's not proper to rear end a vehicle in frustration when such a situation presents itself.
I exited my vehicle, swiped the card for my preferred payment method, and approached the moment of truth. Taking the nozzle in hand, I stretched for the gas tank.
It didn't reach.
I stretched further.
Close, but not quite.
Deciding I'd rather not transfer the gasoline from nozzle to tank via my cupped hands, I stretched one more time...
Success.
... But, there was one problem.
The hose was stretched tight enough that the nozzle would snap back like a rubber band unless I held it in place while fueling. Such a process was not entirely unfamiliar to me, but it hindered my plans on this very evening.
Because I am budget-minded (kind way of saying "cheap"), I had not planned to fill my tank all the way. I'd fill my tank to a price point determined via a popular vote among my car's governing board (e.g., me), and try to successfully achieve a Jerry Seinfeld-style* "perfect pump."
*See American Express commercial from around 10 years ago... Once again, The Writings hits all that is up-to-date.
Unfortunately, the angle at which I was positioned relative to the digitally displayed numbers on the pump did not allow me the opportunity to monitor the amount of gas I had put in the tank. I was working blind.
And so, it began.
Doing my best to make sure the gas nozzle didn't retract from my car, sling wildly like a possessed yo-yo, and strike someone in the face (mission: accomplished), and simultaneously trying my hardest to not look like an utter fool in front of the little blond wiping off her SUV next to me (mission: failed miserably), I did not even have the opportunity to try to count in my head the number of dollars rattling off as the gas was dispensed.
After an undetermined amount of time (it may have been seconds, it may have been days), I decided enough was enough. I put an end to the petroleum parade and placed the nozzle back in its receptacle. It was then that I looked to how much of my hard-earned cash would be devoted to the continued forward progress of my car on this occasion.
The pump read: $25.00.
Exactly.
Operating without sight, with no clue of any sort as to the amount of gas that had been dispensed, I achieved the perfect pump that had eluded me on so many previous occasions.
And I was pleased.
This, friends, is a great example of what I think the wonderfully astounding man referenced in the introduction was referring to.*
*It is also an excellent illustration of how easily entertained I can be.
... That may or may not be true. If no "great man" ever said that phrase, we'll pretend I fall in that category, solely for the sake of my introduction, as I've grown quite fond of it.
Such opportunities to take a sip of all life's tap has to offer can present themselves anywhere... even the gas station.
With the cost of gasoline getting ever closer to the "sell my car and research dromedarian sources of conveyance" point, I certainly did not expect the gas station feeling like I'd just won first prize in a Swedish spelling bee.
As I pulled up to the the second in a pair of pumps, I grew a little concerned, as I was not sure the length of hose available would be enough to allow the nozzle to reach the my gas tank. The car parked at the pump directly in front of me had not practiced smart gas station etiquette, and had left me precious little room to pull my car up. Luckily for the car at my anterior, my parents raised me to know it's not proper to rear end a vehicle in frustration when such a situation presents itself.
I exited my vehicle, swiped the card for my preferred payment method, and approached the moment of truth. Taking the nozzle in hand, I stretched for the gas tank.
It didn't reach.
I stretched further.
Close, but not quite.
Deciding I'd rather not transfer the gasoline from nozzle to tank via my cupped hands, I stretched one more time...
Success.
... But, there was one problem.
The hose was stretched tight enough that the nozzle would snap back like a rubber band unless I held it in place while fueling. Such a process was not entirely unfamiliar to me, but it hindered my plans on this very evening.
Because I am budget-minded (kind way of saying "cheap"), I had not planned to fill my tank all the way. I'd fill my tank to a price point determined via a popular vote among my car's governing board (e.g., me), and try to successfully achieve a Jerry Seinfeld-style* "perfect pump."
*See American Express commercial from around 10 years ago... Once again, The Writings hits all that is up-to-date.
Unfortunately, the angle at which I was positioned relative to the digitally displayed numbers on the pump did not allow me the opportunity to monitor the amount of gas I had put in the tank. I was working blind.
And so, it began.
Doing my best to make sure the gas nozzle didn't retract from my car, sling wildly like a possessed yo-yo, and strike someone in the face (mission: accomplished), and simultaneously trying my hardest to not look like an utter fool in front of the little blond wiping off her SUV next to me (mission: failed miserably), I did not even have the opportunity to try to count in my head the number of dollars rattling off as the gas was dispensed.
After an undetermined amount of time (it may have been seconds, it may have been days), I decided enough was enough. I put an end to the petroleum parade and placed the nozzle back in its receptacle. It was then that I looked to how much of my hard-earned cash would be devoted to the continued forward progress of my car on this occasion.
The pump read: $25.00.
Exactly.
Operating without sight, with no clue of any sort as to the amount of gas that had been dispensed, I achieved the perfect pump that had eluded me on so many previous occasions.
And I was pleased.
This, friends, is a great example of what I think the wonderfully astounding man referenced in the introduction was referring to.*
*It is also an excellent illustration of how easily entertained I can be.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Rolling With the Punches
I must apologize to you, my loyal reader(s)... You know who you are.
I'm not apologizing for wasting your time, or for making you further ponder the unexplainable thoughts that invade my head. Those apologies are implied.
Apparently common practice in "web logs" is linking to things that you - as the author - played no part in creating. Yet, here I've been constantly paying homage to thoughts and ideas that would not be published (and probably would not exist at all) if it weren't for the control center of my central nervous system.
It is time to rectify this severe misgiving - and we'll do so with the help of wondrous online video library found at YouTube. What follows are videos that receive the 'DL Guarantee.' If you don't feel more like Derek Larson after viewing these videos, you get your pizza free (guarantee void in Oklahoma).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C6KX-2HX1o - No matter how many times you've seen it, it's a must-watch for any K-State fan. Not only is it an outstanding summation of the greatest night in K-State football history, but it features the musical styling of Mr. Right Said Fred... If that's not a mind-boggling combination, I'm not sure what is. And yet, it works.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIUu-nLx0lw - While we're on the subject of K-State football, I have to give some props to one of the newest members of the Green Bay Packers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMrPjl-927Q - The best in-game dunk ever... Please convince me otherwise.
... Sorry, I realize some of you don't appreciate sports (thanks, blog poll).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydpl0bgL_Kw - A long lost Chris Farley classic. After watching it again, I'm thinking I might head to the mall with an orange in hand this weekend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOiVaE-pKqM - Basically the greatest music video ever created. You can have your choreography and your "bling"... I'll take a lip-synching Chevy Chase, thank you.
ALERT!
Apparently the video library found at the aforementioned Tube of You has been pillaged like a-
ALERT! v2.0
Apparently my laptop has a drinking problem, because it tends to stop functioning entirely and black out at times. The most recent of these incidents (my laptop hates that term, and swears it has control over the situation... I'm kind of worried it might make a scene the next time I take it out in public) occurred as I was typing the last sentence about YouTube's library. The point of that very sentence was that several videos I had viewed on that very site at previous times have now been removed, apparently due to copyright issues.
Now, instead of watching videos featuring events like "The Pine Tar Incident" and Conan O'Brien's trip to Ireland, I have to enroll my computer in AA... and I better do it soon, because I think it just winked at my television. When questioned about it, my laptop challenged me to a fight... We may have a long road to travel.
I'm not apologizing for wasting your time, or for making you further ponder the unexplainable thoughts that invade my head. Those apologies are implied.
Apparently common practice in "web logs" is linking to things that you - as the author - played no part in creating. Yet, here I've been constantly paying homage to thoughts and ideas that would not be published (and probably would not exist at all) if it weren't for the control center of my central nervous system.
It is time to rectify this severe misgiving - and we'll do so with the help of wondrous online video library found at YouTube. What follows are videos that receive the 'DL Guarantee.' If you don't feel more like Derek Larson after viewing these videos, you get your pizza free (guarantee void in Oklahoma).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C6KX-2HX1o - No matter how many times you've seen it, it's a must-watch for any K-State fan. Not only is it an outstanding summation of the greatest night in K-State football history, but it features the musical styling of Mr. Right Said Fred... If that's not a mind-boggling combination, I'm not sure what is. And yet, it works.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIUu-nLx0lw - While we're on the subject of K-State football, I have to give some props to one of the newest members of the Green Bay Packers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMrPjl-927Q - The best in-game dunk ever... Please convince me otherwise.
... Sorry, I realize some of you don't appreciate sports (thanks, blog poll).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydpl0bgL_Kw - A long lost Chris Farley classic. After watching it again, I'm thinking I might head to the mall with an orange in hand this weekend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOiVaE-pKqM - Basically the greatest music video ever created. You can have your choreography and your "bling"... I'll take a lip-synching Chevy Chase, thank you.
ALERT!
Apparently the video library found at the aforementioned Tube of You has been pillaged like a-
ALERT! v2.0
Apparently my laptop has a drinking problem, because it tends to stop functioning entirely and black out at times. The most recent of these incidents (my laptop hates that term, and swears it has control over the situation... I'm kind of worried it might make a scene the next time I take it out in public) occurred as I was typing the last sentence about YouTube's library. The point of that very sentence was that several videos I had viewed on that very site at previous times have now been removed, apparently due to copyright issues.
Now, instead of watching videos featuring events like "The Pine Tar Incident" and Conan O'Brien's trip to Ireland, I have to enroll my computer in AA... and I better do it soon, because I think it just winked at my television. When questioned about it, my laptop challenged me to a fight... We may have a long road to travel.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Stating the Obvious - Observations from the Park
Here's a bit of breaking news*: I am a lazy guy.
*For all intents and purposes, in this space, "breaking news" refers to things that have already been established... over and over again.
There are a number of evenings where walking the 10.2 feet from my couch to my fridge counts as "activity."
Because I oft find myself in a state of such torpor, I'm trying to make it a point to get out and walk or jog through the park when the weather permits. On this very evening, I took a walk around the park, because the weather was very pleasant... and because I really despise jogging.
The nice thing about a trip around the park is that it can be whatever you want it to be. It can be a workout (sorry, not interested); it can be a date (sorry... now I'm depressing myself); or it can be an opportunity to simply observe (we have a winner).
Luckily for my curious eyes, I was presented with a number of intriguing subjects on this trek. What follows is an examination of a few of the members of the roster of fellow parkgoers.
The Tie/Cap Combo Guy-
I'm cheating a bit here, because I actually saw this guy during my walk to the park. Nonetheless, the impression he had was the same.
I do not understand the idea behind wearing a shirt-and-tie, but then topping it off with a baseball cap (a.k.a., dressing business super-casual). My best guess is that he who has adorned himself in such a way is trying to send the message, "Yes sir, I'm all business... but I'm willing to have a catch if you want to."
The only other feasible option I see is that Mr. Super Casual just tossed the hat on to cap off (play on words... yes!) a rough work day. This brings to mind the obvious question, is a baseball cap manufactured with secret materials that promote relaxation and/or fun? (Dejected worker: "Oh my. Work was horrendous. I'm not sure I can take another day of this s-" [cap placed securely on head] "-Wow, life is great! Who wants to go fly a kite?") If one makes it a point to toss their cap on as they walk out the door, doesn't there have to be some sort of explanation for this action? Can someone look into this?
The Casual Walker... IN DISGUISE
I cannot question the thoughts of the casual walker, because if a census were taken where one had to describe his or her reasoning for visiting said park, I would fall in the aforementioned casual walker category.*
*Believe it or not, I do not walk down to the park solely to attempt to drink out of the poor excuse for a water fountain. You know, the one that distributes water that is roughly the same temperature as a cup of coffee that has been sitting long enough for the cream to start smelling, and dispenses it in a manner that most closely resembles a bathtub slowly overflowing.
The mindset that I do not understand is that of the DISGUISED (all capital letters signify your cue to imagine dramatic music (of the 'dun dun dunnnnnnn' sort) playing right after that word) casual walker. Allow me to explain...
For this walk around the park, I dressed in athletic shorts and a T-shirt. Such a wardrobe gives the impression that I could actually be there to work out - That I could actually have sweat beads forming on my forehead because I just finished a jog (instead of having them form as a result of my self-diagnosed hyperhydrosis). It seems that most parkgoers that fall in either the workout or casual walker category will dress themselves (well, hopefully they can dress themselves) in a similar manner.
Nevertheless, upon my arrival at the park I found myself walking being a guy wearing khaki shorts, a cap advertising a store that sells hunting/camping/fishing equipment, and a backpack. Because of his dress, I made the assumption that he was heading home from campus. The fact that he made one left turn on the park sidewalk did little to change my mind... but the second left turn (meaning he was now walking north when he was originally walking south) made me realize that he was on the same journey as me.... He, too, was walking 'round the park in a casual manner. I thought to myself, "Why didn't I wear khaki shorts and a backpack on this walk." Then I remembered that I enjoy being comfortable.
Next time that casual walker goes for a disguise, I hope he at least considers a fake mustache.
The Corner-Cutter
As I've already beaten into submission, several of those who venture to the park do so for either recreational or casual purposes. In either case, the concept of cutting corners seems to make little sense. Nevertheless, I encountered a girl doing just that tonight - choosing to cut across the grass in a diagonal manner once she came within about 10 yards of a corner.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong (I don't know how you can correct me... Do I have to think of everything around here?), but if you were at the park to workout via your own free will and your goal was to walk around the park X times, there would not really be a point to cutting corners and cheating no one but yourself (unless you have a horrible memory... "I'll think I met my goal later on... Sucker!"). On the other hand, if you're walking around the park simply to enjoy the weather/sights/sounds/people driving by and staring at you as if they're at a zoo, then cutting corners seems to make even less sense.
The only reasonable conclusion I can conjure for this female's unwillingness to approach the corners of the park is that, as a child, she once heard someone speak of a dead body being taken to a coroner. Unfortunately, she heard the statement wrong and thought they said "corner." As a result, she developed a phobia relating to any and every corner, thinking that corpses will be waiting for her. Such a fear makes driving difficult ("Another corner???"), geometry impossible, and can even affect the ability to sing children's songs (singing: "My hat, it has three... NOOOOOO!").
This concludes our examination of a few of those you may encounter at the park. Feel free to keep this guide handy upon your next trip.
*For all intents and purposes, in this space, "breaking news" refers to things that have already been established... over and over again.
There are a number of evenings where walking the 10.2 feet from my couch to my fridge counts as "activity."
Because I oft find myself in a state of such torpor, I'm trying to make it a point to get out and walk or jog through the park when the weather permits. On this very evening, I took a walk around the park, because the weather was very pleasant... and because I really despise jogging.
The nice thing about a trip around the park is that it can be whatever you want it to be. It can be a workout (sorry, not interested); it can be a date (sorry... now I'm depressing myself); or it can be an opportunity to simply observe (we have a winner).
Luckily for my curious eyes, I was presented with a number of intriguing subjects on this trek. What follows is an examination of a few of the members of the roster of fellow parkgoers.
The Tie/Cap Combo Guy-
I'm cheating a bit here, because I actually saw this guy during my walk to the park. Nonetheless, the impression he had was the same.
I do not understand the idea behind wearing a shirt-and-tie, but then topping it off with a baseball cap (a.k.a., dressing business super-casual). My best guess is that he who has adorned himself in such a way is trying to send the message, "Yes sir, I'm all business... but I'm willing to have a catch if you want to."
The only other feasible option I see is that Mr. Super Casual just tossed the hat on to cap off (play on words... yes!) a rough work day. This brings to mind the obvious question, is a baseball cap manufactured with secret materials that promote relaxation and/or fun? (Dejected worker: "Oh my. Work was horrendous. I'm not sure I can take another day of this s-" [cap placed securely on head] "-Wow, life is great! Who wants to go fly a kite?") If one makes it a point to toss their cap on as they walk out the door, doesn't there have to be some sort of explanation for this action? Can someone look into this?
The Casual Walker... IN DISGUISE
I cannot question the thoughts of the casual walker, because if a census were taken where one had to describe his or her reasoning for visiting said park, I would fall in the aforementioned casual walker category.*
*Believe it or not, I do not walk down to the park solely to attempt to drink out of the poor excuse for a water fountain. You know, the one that distributes water that is roughly the same temperature as a cup of coffee that has been sitting long enough for the cream to start smelling, and dispenses it in a manner that most closely resembles a bathtub slowly overflowing.
The mindset that I do not understand is that of the DISGUISED (all capital letters signify your cue to imagine dramatic music (of the 'dun dun dunnnnnnn' sort) playing right after that word) casual walker. Allow me to explain...
For this walk around the park, I dressed in athletic shorts and a T-shirt. Such a wardrobe gives the impression that I could actually be there to work out - That I could actually have sweat beads forming on my forehead because I just finished a jog (instead of having them form as a result of my self-diagnosed hyperhydrosis). It seems that most parkgoers that fall in either the workout or casual walker category will dress themselves (well, hopefully they can dress themselves) in a similar manner.
Nevertheless, upon my arrival at the park I found myself walking being a guy wearing khaki shorts, a cap advertising a store that sells hunting/camping/fishing equipment, and a backpack. Because of his dress, I made the assumption that he was heading home from campus. The fact that he made one left turn on the park sidewalk did little to change my mind... but the second left turn (meaning he was now walking north when he was originally walking south) made me realize that he was on the same journey as me.... He, too, was walking 'round the park in a casual manner. I thought to myself, "Why didn't I wear khaki shorts and a backpack on this walk." Then I remembered that I enjoy being comfortable.
Next time that casual walker goes for a disguise, I hope he at least considers a fake mustache.
The Corner-Cutter
As I've already beaten into submission, several of those who venture to the park do so for either recreational or casual purposes. In either case, the concept of cutting corners seems to make little sense. Nevertheless, I encountered a girl doing just that tonight - choosing to cut across the grass in a diagonal manner once she came within about 10 yards of a corner.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong (I don't know how you can correct me... Do I have to think of everything around here?), but if you were at the park to workout via your own free will and your goal was to walk around the park X times, there would not really be a point to cutting corners and cheating no one but yourself (unless you have a horrible memory... "I'll think I met my goal later on... Sucker!"). On the other hand, if you're walking around the park simply to enjoy the weather/sights/sounds/people driving by and staring at you as if they're at a zoo, then cutting corners seems to make even less sense.
The only reasonable conclusion I can conjure for this female's unwillingness to approach the corners of the park is that, as a child, she once heard someone speak of a dead body being taken to a coroner. Unfortunately, she heard the statement wrong and thought they said "corner." As a result, she developed a phobia relating to any and every corner, thinking that corpses will be waiting for her. Such a fear makes driving difficult ("Another corner???"), geometry impossible, and can even affect the ability to sing children's songs (singing: "My hat, it has three... NOOOOOO!").
This concludes our examination of a few of those you may encounter at the park. Feel free to keep this guide handy upon your next trip.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Draft-y Day
"With the fifth pick in the NFL Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select..."
In mere hours, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will begin a sentence with this very phrase (unless, of course, the Chiefs trade the pick... but that would render this entire opening moot, so I'm going to ignore such an idea for now). How Mr. Goodell ends this sentence is anyone's guess.
The Chiefs - a team so adored by its fans that the ending of the National Anthem is modified each game, just to remind everyone that the team resides in the U.S.A. - are in the process of "rebuilding," meaning the focus in developing young players and having your team success rely on how quickly the players improve. In professional sports, rebuilding can be a slow process, at times taking several years to see any sort of results (see: Royals, Kansas City; 1995-2008). It is because of these failures, that "rebuilding" can be viewed as a derogatory term by some fans (Holy rebuilding!).
The idea that the Chiefs plan to build a successful team via the draft is an interesting one, since the team's draft history isn't exactly one that you'd find in How to Succeed as an NFL GM (look for it on bookshelves soon). For every Derrick Thomas the Chiefs have brought in, there's been a Trezelle Jenkins (who's greatest impact for KC may have been giving me a spectacular bust to refer to in this very blog).
At this point, the Chiefs have 13 picks to use (or blow) in the seven rounds stretched over this weekend and my interest is piqued as to how successful (or failful ... I know, just go with it) the Chiefs can be with these picks. To waste time until my reaction to the Chiefs first pick is "YES," "meh," or "d'oh" we'll look at the Chiefs last 10 drafts and rate the picks using these genuine Derek reactions (for those of you confused by my scoring system, "YES" = a pick who became an All-Pro caliber player or who performed much better than expected for the slot he was drafted; "meh" = a player who was about average of what one might expect for the spot he was drafted... not anything to get particularly excited about; "d'oh" = a player that made you question whether the team had a chimp who was high on painkillers make the pick.
2007
YES - Dwayne Bowe (1st rd.)
meh - Turk McBride (2nd), Tank Tyler (3rd), Kolby Smith (5th), Herb Taylor (6th), Michael Allan (7th)
d'oh - Justin Medlock (5th)
It's pretty early to be judging such picks, but at this point, Bowe looks to be a star receiver in the making. Turk and Tank will end up in the d'oh category if they don't develop into players the Chiefs can depend on inside. Medlock fits well in the d'oh category, since that was my response to nearly every one of his kicks while he wore a helmet with an arrowhead on the side.
2006
YES - Jarrad Page (7th)
meh - Tamba Hali (1st), Bernard Pollard (2nd), Brodie Croyle (3rd), Trey Stallings (6th), Jeff Webb (6th)
d'oh - Marcus Maxey (5th)
Page gets top billing simply because finding a starting safety in the final round of the draft is not particularly common. Hali, Pollard and Croyle will all probably be starters when fall arrives, but they all have particularly weak points in their games (run defense, pass coverage and throwing accurate passes, respectively).
2005
YES - Derrick Johnson (1st), Dustin Colquitt (3rd)
meh - Boomer Grigsby (5th), Will Svitek (6th)
d'oh - Craphonso Thorpe (4th), Alphonso Hodge (5th), Khari Long (6th), James Killian (7th), Jeremy Parquet (7th)
Wow... It's nice that the Chiefs got two quality picks (yes, I realize one is a punter... but he was one of the few bright spots on the team last season), but rounds 4-7 were a little rough for the KC front office... Damn that chimp.
2004
YES - Jared Allen (4th)
meh - Samie Parker (4th), Kevin Sampson (7th)
d'oh - Junior Siavii (2nd), Kris Wilson (2nd), Keyaron Fox (3rd), Jeris McIntyre (6th)
Here's a draft the 2008 Chiefs may not want to reenact. Naturally, Allen was an excellent pick. Naturally, the Chiefs decided to give him away this offseason. KC's top pick in '04, Siavii, had 13 total tackles in two seasons on the roster. In other words, the 6-5, 336 pounder made a slightly larger impact than I did.
2003
YES - Larry Johnson (1st), Kawika Mitchell (2nd)
meh - Jordan Black (5th), Jimmy Wilkerson (6th), Willie Pile (7th)
d'oh - Julian Battle (3rd), Brett Williams (4th), Montique Sharp (7th)
This draft is deceiving. Mitchell has become a stellar linebacker, but it's been for the Super Bowl champion New York Giants. Johnson was drafted as an insurance policy for Priest Holmes, despite the fact that the Chiefs desparately needed an impact defensive player.
2002
YES - Scott Fujita (5th)
meh - n/a
d'oh - Ryan Sims (1st), Eddie Freeman (2nd), Omar Easy (4th), Maurice Rodriguez (7th)
Pardon me while I stick my hand in a paper shredder...
2001
YES - n/a
meh - Monty Beisel (4th), Derrick Blaylock (5th), Shaunard Harts (7th), Terdell Sands (7th)
d'oh - Eric Downing (3rd), Snoop Minnis (3rd), George Layne (4th), Billy Baber (5th), Alex Sufsted (6th)
You know what this mangled hand could use? A dash of salt...
2000
YES - Greg Wesley (3rd), Dante Hall (5th)
meh - Pat Dennis (5th)
d'oh - Sly Morris (1st), William Bartee (2nd), Frank Moreau (4th), Darnell Alford (6th), Desmond Kitchings (7th)
It's fairly obvious that looking at '02 and '01 have made me feel pretty generous. Wesley is a bit of a stretch as an All-Pro caliber safety, and Dennis was the most aggravating starting cornerback I've seen in KC... but he did start. Morris had a decent rookie season, but I think earning "solid first-round pick" status may require more than one successful season (I grade on a tough scale, I know).
1999
YES - John Tait (1st), Gary Stills (3rd)
meh - n/a
d'oh - Mike Cloud (2nd), Larry Atkins (3rd), Larry Parker (4th), Eric King (7th)
Again, I'm stretching. Stills went to a Pro Bowl, but it was as a special teams player.
1998
YES - Victor Riley (1st)
meh - Greg Favors (4th), Derrick Ransom (6th), Eric Warfield (7th)
d'oh - Rashaan Shehee (3rd), Robert Williams (5th), Ernest Blackwell (7th)
I realize that Warfield started for several years after being drafted in the seventh round - drastically outperforming the expectations of his draft position - but I cannot forgive the fact that he was given contract Monty Burns would envy while the Chiefs let Donnie Edwards walk.
At a glance, this seems to be a pretty depressing tally. But lets see what the final numbers add up to. In 10 years, the Chiefs have made 73 picks. A total of 13 of those picks have earned the honor of receiving an outstanding rating on the DL scale. The Chiefs have made 25 average picks during that time, with 35 picks making the author quiver in terror and/or agony.
Let's reiterate this point. A team that has essentially wasted nearly half of its draft picks over the last decade plans to construct a team via this very process.
Should I be scared right now?
In mere hours, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will begin a sentence with this very phrase (unless, of course, the Chiefs trade the pick... but that would render this entire opening moot, so I'm going to ignore such an idea for now). How Mr. Goodell ends this sentence is anyone's guess.
The Chiefs - a team so adored by its fans that the ending of the National Anthem is modified each game, just to remind everyone that the team resides in the U.S.A. - are in the process of "rebuilding," meaning the focus in developing young players and having your team success rely on how quickly the players improve. In professional sports, rebuilding can be a slow process, at times taking several years to see any sort of results (see: Royals, Kansas City; 1995-2008). It is because of these failures, that "rebuilding" can be viewed as a derogatory term by some fans (Holy rebuilding!).
The idea that the Chiefs plan to build a successful team via the draft is an interesting one, since the team's draft history isn't exactly one that you'd find in How to Succeed as an NFL GM (look for it on bookshelves soon). For every Derrick Thomas the Chiefs have brought in, there's been a Trezelle Jenkins (who's greatest impact for KC may have been giving me a spectacular bust to refer to in this very blog).
At this point, the Chiefs have 13 picks to use (or blow) in the seven rounds stretched over this weekend and my interest is piqued as to how successful (or failful ... I know, just go with it) the Chiefs can be with these picks. To waste time until my reaction to the Chiefs first pick is "YES," "meh," or "d'oh" we'll look at the Chiefs last 10 drafts and rate the picks using these genuine Derek reactions (for those of you confused by my scoring system, "YES" = a pick who became an All-Pro caliber player or who performed much better than expected for the slot he was drafted; "meh" = a player who was about average of what one might expect for the spot he was drafted... not anything to get particularly excited about; "d'oh" = a player that made you question whether the team had a chimp who was high on painkillers make the pick.
2007
YES - Dwayne Bowe (1st rd.)
meh - Turk McBride (2nd), Tank Tyler (3rd), Kolby Smith (5th), Herb Taylor (6th), Michael Allan (7th)
d'oh - Justin Medlock (5th)
It's pretty early to be judging such picks, but at this point, Bowe looks to be a star receiver in the making. Turk and Tank will end up in the d'oh category if they don't develop into players the Chiefs can depend on inside. Medlock fits well in the d'oh category, since that was my response to nearly every one of his kicks while he wore a helmet with an arrowhead on the side.
2006
YES - Jarrad Page (7th)
meh - Tamba Hali (1st), Bernard Pollard (2nd), Brodie Croyle (3rd), Trey Stallings (6th), Jeff Webb (6th)
d'oh - Marcus Maxey (5th)
Page gets top billing simply because finding a starting safety in the final round of the draft is not particularly common. Hali, Pollard and Croyle will all probably be starters when fall arrives, but they all have particularly weak points in their games (run defense, pass coverage and throwing accurate passes, respectively).
2005
YES - Derrick Johnson (1st), Dustin Colquitt (3rd)
meh - Boomer Grigsby (5th), Will Svitek (6th)
d'oh - Craphonso Thorpe (4th), Alphonso Hodge (5th), Khari Long (6th), James Killian (7th), Jeremy Parquet (7th)
Wow... It's nice that the Chiefs got two quality picks (yes, I realize one is a punter... but he was one of the few bright spots on the team last season), but rounds 4-7 were a little rough for the KC front office... Damn that chimp.
2004
YES - Jared Allen (4th)
meh - Samie Parker (4th), Kevin Sampson (7th)
d'oh - Junior Siavii (2nd), Kris Wilson (2nd), Keyaron Fox (3rd), Jeris McIntyre (6th)
Here's a draft the 2008 Chiefs may not want to reenact. Naturally, Allen was an excellent pick. Naturally, the Chiefs decided to give him away this offseason. KC's top pick in '04, Siavii, had 13 total tackles in two seasons on the roster. In other words, the 6-5, 336 pounder made a slightly larger impact than I did.
2003
YES - Larry Johnson (1st), Kawika Mitchell (2nd)
meh - Jordan Black (5th), Jimmy Wilkerson (6th), Willie Pile (7th)
d'oh - Julian Battle (3rd), Brett Williams (4th), Montique Sharp (7th)
This draft is deceiving. Mitchell has become a stellar linebacker, but it's been for the Super Bowl champion New York Giants. Johnson was drafted as an insurance policy for Priest Holmes, despite the fact that the Chiefs desparately needed an impact defensive player.
2002
YES - Scott Fujita (5th)
meh - n/a
d'oh - Ryan Sims (1st), Eddie Freeman (2nd), Omar Easy (4th), Maurice Rodriguez (7th)
Pardon me while I stick my hand in a paper shredder...
2001
YES - n/a
meh - Monty Beisel (4th), Derrick Blaylock (5th), Shaunard Harts (7th), Terdell Sands (7th)
d'oh - Eric Downing (3rd), Snoop Minnis (3rd), George Layne (4th), Billy Baber (5th), Alex Sufsted (6th)
You know what this mangled hand could use? A dash of salt...
2000
YES - Greg Wesley (3rd), Dante Hall (5th)
meh - Pat Dennis (5th)
d'oh - Sly Morris (1st), William Bartee (2nd), Frank Moreau (4th), Darnell Alford (6th), Desmond Kitchings (7th)
It's fairly obvious that looking at '02 and '01 have made me feel pretty generous. Wesley is a bit of a stretch as an All-Pro caliber safety, and Dennis was the most aggravating starting cornerback I've seen in KC... but he did start. Morris had a decent rookie season, but I think earning "solid first-round pick" status may require more than one successful season (I grade on a tough scale, I know).
1999
YES - John Tait (1st), Gary Stills (3rd)
meh - n/a
d'oh - Mike Cloud (2nd), Larry Atkins (3rd), Larry Parker (4th), Eric King (7th)
Again, I'm stretching. Stills went to a Pro Bowl, but it was as a special teams player.
1998
YES - Victor Riley (1st)
meh - Greg Favors (4th), Derrick Ransom (6th), Eric Warfield (7th)
d'oh - Rashaan Shehee (3rd), Robert Williams (5th), Ernest Blackwell (7th)
I realize that Warfield started for several years after being drafted in the seventh round - drastically outperforming the expectations of his draft position - but I cannot forgive the fact that he was given contract Monty Burns would envy while the Chiefs let Donnie Edwards walk.
At a glance, this seems to be a pretty depressing tally. But lets see what the final numbers add up to. In 10 years, the Chiefs have made 73 picks. A total of 13 of those picks have earned the honor of receiving an outstanding rating on the DL scale. The Chiefs have made 25 average picks during that time, with 35 picks making the author quiver in terror and/or agony.
Let's reiterate this point. A team that has essentially wasted nearly half of its draft picks over the last decade plans to construct a team via this very process.
Should I be scared right now?
Monday, April 21, 2008
Oh, Canada?
In the 1530s, Jacques Cartier arrived in the area that would become Montreal, Quebec, becoming the first known European to set foot there.
In 2008, Derek Larson traveled to that very city, becoming the first known writer from this blog to set foot on Canadian soil.
Cartier found a land inhabited by Native Americans. I, on the other hand, found something a little different.
Here's what I know:
1. - I cannot read or speak French.
I'm not sure that I should be surprised by such a revelation, since I have never attempted to learn the language, but I've also never been so constantly reminded of my inadequacies in that area. The natives speak French (although several are - thankfully for this guy - bilingual), the signs are in French, and it's quite possible that the dogs bark in French... Bonjour, confusion.
2. - Television in Montreal is wildly disappointing.
In some of the few spare hours I had, I tried to relax by planting myself in front of the TV. The nice part about this was that I was able to find several episodes of The Simpsons - my favorite television program as documented by Fun Facts About Derek, Volume XII.
Unfortunately, 90-percent of the episodes I happened upon were voiced in French - a language that I cannot comprehend (see #1). Hearing a poorly voiced Chief Wiggum say, "C'est qu'ils tous disent. Ils tous disent d'oh," just doesn't have the same effect on me.
Frustrated with my attempts to find something funny, I turned to the world of sports. Unfortunately, in this land north of the border my preferred selection of athletic competitions (e.g., baseball, football, basketball... and maybe tortoise racing) take a backseat to hockey. TSN, the Canadian ESPN, puts more focus on hockey than I put on relatively pointless topics... Yeah, it's that bad.
3. - Dancers and fighters make an unpredictable combination.
During our stay, the hotel we were housed in played host to a salsa dancing conference. The combined-force exerted by the hip gyrations produced at this conference may have shifted the rotation of the Earth.
If that wasn't enough, our hotel was just a block away from Montreal's Bell Centre, where a large UFC event took place Saturday night. This means fighters, fans, and groupies were all also located within the 36 floors of guest rooms. Picture, if you will, a motley combination of guys with shaved heads and no necks, a bevy of females with short skirts and artificial breasts, and a boisterous (read: inebriated) grouping of teens and 20-somethings with dyed hair and more ink than the Sears catalog.
So combine the crew of folks wanting to see blood with the crew of folks wanting to be slaves to the rhythm of Latin drum beats and what do you get? A hotel lobby where Derek does not fit in.
4. - Montreal has a fine selection of dining establishments... and beautiful women hang out at Greek restaurants.
This trip did see Derek significantly increase his diversity in the world of food. Indian food had never been tried... until Montreal. Calamari had never been tasted... until Montreal. Some weird tiny fish fried whole had never been consumed (partially because such a thought had never crossed my mind)... but Montreal brought that about, too.
The seafood dishes were consumed at a Greek restaurant, but such bounds in the area of my culinary diversity did not mark the hot topic of the evening. Neither did the items on the wine list, or the extraordinary prices. It was the woman in the little red dress.
It was apparent that this woman - who was as easy on the eyes as an eye exam featuring only one letter - worked at the restaurant. The question that arose was what the duties of her job actually entailed. For the most of our two hours spent there, it seemed that all she did was stand near food preparation area in a dress so tight it may have have been wenched on and occasionally chatted with other employees. Such action (or inaction) sparked a conversation at our table which was nevery really resolved. Occasionally (read: hardly ever) she would deliver something to a table, but the rest of her job seemed to consist of drawing the attention of anyone with a Y chromosome away from their tables... Job well done, I guess.
5. Cab drivers are still crazy up north
Our trip to the hotel from the airport involved an unknown number of kilos traveled, a cab fare of $35 CDN, a long list of traffic violations commited by our driver, and a couple of instances where I hoped I wouldn't end up being buried in Canada... Good times.
In 2008, Derek Larson traveled to that very city, becoming the first known writer from this blog to set foot on Canadian soil.
Cartier found a land inhabited by Native Americans. I, on the other hand, found something a little different.
Here's what I know:
1. - I cannot read or speak French.
I'm not sure that I should be surprised by such a revelation, since I have never attempted to learn the language, but I've also never been so constantly reminded of my inadequacies in that area. The natives speak French (although several are - thankfully for this guy - bilingual), the signs are in French, and it's quite possible that the dogs bark in French... Bonjour, confusion.
2. - Television in Montreal is wildly disappointing.
In some of the few spare hours I had, I tried to relax by planting myself in front of the TV. The nice part about this was that I was able to find several episodes of The Simpsons - my favorite television program as documented by Fun Facts About Derek, Volume XII.
Unfortunately, 90-percent of the episodes I happened upon were voiced in French - a language that I cannot comprehend (see #1). Hearing a poorly voiced Chief Wiggum say, "C'est qu'ils tous disent. Ils tous disent d'oh," just doesn't have the same effect on me.
Frustrated with my attempts to find something funny, I turned to the world of sports. Unfortunately, in this land north of the border my preferred selection of athletic competitions (e.g., baseball, football, basketball... and maybe tortoise racing) take a backseat to hockey. TSN, the Canadian ESPN, puts more focus on hockey than I put on relatively pointless topics... Yeah, it's that bad.
3. - Dancers and fighters make an unpredictable combination.
During our stay, the hotel we were housed in played host to a salsa dancing conference. The combined-force exerted by the hip gyrations produced at this conference may have shifted the rotation of the Earth.
If that wasn't enough, our hotel was just a block away from Montreal's Bell Centre, where a large UFC event took place Saturday night. This means fighters, fans, and groupies were all also located within the 36 floors of guest rooms. Picture, if you will, a motley combination of guys with shaved heads and no necks, a bevy of females with short skirts and artificial breasts, and a boisterous (read: inebriated) grouping of teens and 20-somethings with dyed hair and more ink than the Sears catalog.
So combine the crew of folks wanting to see blood with the crew of folks wanting to be slaves to the rhythm of Latin drum beats and what do you get? A hotel lobby where Derek does not fit in.
4. - Montreal has a fine selection of dining establishments... and beautiful women hang out at Greek restaurants.
This trip did see Derek significantly increase his diversity in the world of food. Indian food had never been tried... until Montreal. Calamari had never been tasted... until Montreal. Some weird tiny fish fried whole had never been consumed (partially because such a thought had never crossed my mind)... but Montreal brought that about, too.
The seafood dishes were consumed at a Greek restaurant, but such bounds in the area of my culinary diversity did not mark the hot topic of the evening. Neither did the items on the wine list, or the extraordinary prices. It was the woman in the little red dress.
It was apparent that this woman - who was as easy on the eyes as an eye exam featuring only one letter - worked at the restaurant. The question that arose was what the duties of her job actually entailed. For the most of our two hours spent there, it seemed that all she did was stand near food preparation area in a dress so tight it may have have been wenched on and occasionally chatted with other employees. Such action (or inaction) sparked a conversation at our table which was nevery really resolved. Occasionally (read: hardly ever) she would deliver something to a table, but the rest of her job seemed to consist of drawing the attention of anyone with a Y chromosome away from their tables... Job well done, I guess.
5. Cab drivers are still crazy up north
Our trip to the hotel from the airport involved an unknown number of kilos traveled, a cab fare of $35 CDN, a long list of traffic violations commited by our driver, and a couple of instances where I hoped I wouldn't end up being buried in Canada... Good times.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Nicking Names and Baseball Games
The weather forecast for Saturday evening in Kansas City, Mo., currently shows a low of 30 degrees with possible rain/snow showers and winds near 20 m.p.h. If one were to conjure up an image in their mind of "baseball weather" odds are such conditions would not be imagined.
Nevertheless, this occasional writer will be at Kauffman Stadium, rooting for the Royals and wondering what the heck 'global warming' is. Upon hearing that, some people probably think I'm crazy, others think I'm stupid, and the rest wonder why the Drago* this matters. Well, you all have a point, but I'm still looking forward to it.
*The phrase "why the ..." ends so often in derogatory manner, but none of the uses ever really make practical or grammatical sense. As a result, it seems that anything could plugged in as the third word in the triad to make the same point. I figure using such an opportunity to pay homage to Dolph Lundgren's Rocky IV character is rather suitable.**
** In a tribute to Kansas City's own Joe Posnanski, The "Pozterisk" has made its way into "The Writings." What, you may ask, is a Pozterisk? Naturally, it's an asterisk, with a little dose of Poz... Or you could think of it as another way for me to lose track of any topic I may have at-one-time been referring to.
Anyway, despite the fact that those in attendance at the current Royals game - the night's feature presentation at the DL home theater - have the look of people who can't feel their extremities, the trip to "The House That Some Construction Workers Built" (trademark Derek D. Larson, 2008) is an anticipated one. It's a chance to see the 2008 Kansas City Royals, which is enough on its own... But it also marks the nostalgic return to powder-blue uniforms and provides an opportunity to check out the revisions to the stadium, including Crown Vision - possibly best described as a high-defintion video board that automatically draws a "holy Sorny*" response
*The rules that apply to "what the..." phrasing (as discussed earlier) have now been deemed appropriate by the Governing Board of "The Writings" for use in pairing with "holy..." as well. Those unfamiliar with "Sorny" should please refer to http://www.snpp.com/episodes/3F11.html
In continued browsing of Royals-related web sites, I've seen several discussions of nicknames for members of the roster. I like to think I've at least assisted in the nicking of a few names in my day, and will therefore offer up my best shot.
- Billy "Groundskeeper Willie" Butler - Another reference to The Simpsons. The reasoning? All Butler does is rake (for those yet again unfamiliar with references tossed out by the author, see http://www.doubletongued.org/index.php/dictionary/rake/ )
- Zack "Silent K" Greinke - Greinke's a quiet guy, the 'k' in his first name could be considered silent, and the kid strikes a few batters out... I never said these would be rocket science...
- Tony Pena, Jr. - "Pam" - There's a pretty simple joke about "no stick" involved with this one.
In other news, college basketball season has ended and the result was enough to make me wish Dr. James Naismith had never been provided access to peach baskets. Naturally, with my established rule of not allowing any school sits in a Kansas town that shares its name with a former Blossom actor and employing a fictional bird as its mascot to advance past the second round of the tournament, my bracket was doomed. The question follows: If, through some encounter with a wormhole or time vortex (forgive me, I have yet to complete A Brief History of Time, and thus have not fully familiarized myself with such time travelling terms) I could have known the future, would I have been able to live with myself picking Kansas to be the last team standing?
The answer: [refer to rules governing "why the..." and "what the..." phrasing discussed earlier, and insert term of choice here] no!*
*In effort to replace the phrasing "heck no" along with its belittling cousins, proper examples include: "buttons no," "neanderthal no," and "bovine no."
Nevertheless, this occasional writer will be at Kauffman Stadium, rooting for the Royals and wondering what the heck 'global warming' is. Upon hearing that, some people probably think I'm crazy, others think I'm stupid, and the rest wonder why the Drago* this matters. Well, you all have a point, but I'm still looking forward to it.
*The phrase "why the ..." ends so often in derogatory manner, but none of the uses ever really make practical or grammatical sense. As a result, it seems that anything could plugged in as the third word in the triad to make the same point. I figure using such an opportunity to pay homage to Dolph Lundgren's Rocky IV character is rather suitable.**
** In a tribute to Kansas City's own Joe Posnanski, The "Pozterisk" has made its way into "The Writings." What, you may ask, is a Pozterisk? Naturally, it's an asterisk, with a little dose of Poz... Or you could think of it as another way for me to lose track of any topic I may have at-one-time been referring to.
Anyway, despite the fact that those in attendance at the current Royals game - the night's feature presentation at the DL home theater - have the look of people who can't feel their extremities, the trip to "The House That Some Construction Workers Built" (trademark Derek D. Larson, 2008) is an anticipated one. It's a chance to see the 2008 Kansas City Royals, which is enough on its own... But it also marks the nostalgic return to powder-blue uniforms and provides an opportunity to check out the revisions to the stadium, including Crown Vision - possibly best described as a high-defintion video board that automatically draws a "holy Sorny*" response
*The rules that apply to "what the..." phrasing (as discussed earlier) have now been deemed appropriate by the Governing Board of "The Writings" for use in pairing with "holy..." as well. Those unfamiliar with "Sorny" should please refer to http://www.snpp.com/episodes/3F11.html
In continued browsing of Royals-related web sites, I've seen several discussions of nicknames for members of the roster. I like to think I've at least assisted in the nicking of a few names in my day, and will therefore offer up my best shot.
- Billy "Groundskeeper Willie" Butler - Another reference to The Simpsons. The reasoning? All Butler does is rake (for those yet again unfamiliar with references tossed out by the author, see http://www.doubletongued.org/index.php/dictionary/rake/ )
- Zack "Silent K" Greinke - Greinke's a quiet guy, the 'k' in his first name could be considered silent, and the kid strikes a few batters out... I never said these would be rocket science...
- Tony Pena, Jr. - "Pam" - There's a pretty simple joke about "no stick" involved with this one.
In other news, college basketball season has ended and the result was enough to make me wish Dr. James Naismith had never been provided access to peach baskets. Naturally, with my established rule of not allowing any school sits in a Kansas town that shares its name with a former Blossom actor and employing a fictional bird as its mascot to advance past the second round of the tournament, my bracket was doomed. The question follows: If, through some encounter with a wormhole or time vortex (forgive me, I have yet to complete A Brief History of Time, and thus have not fully familiarized myself with such time travelling terms) I could have known the future, would I have been able to live with myself picking Kansas to be the last team standing?
The answer: [refer to rules governing "why the..." and "what the..." phrasing discussed earlier, and insert term of choice here] no!*
*In effort to replace the phrasing "heck no" along with its belittling cousins, proper examples include: "buttons no," "neanderthal no," and "bovine no."
Friday, April 04, 2008
A Novel Idea
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Kansas City Royals new manager Trey Hillman is a visionary. He's going to revolutionize the game of baseball. The Royals - the only undefeated team in baseball - are opening their fourth game of the season, and Hillman has decided stick with what works. He's playing the exact same lineup and batting order for the third consecutive game. As those guys on the Guinness commercial are known to exclaim, BRILLIANT!
OK, by now your sarcasm detector should be beeping or blinking (or whatever a sarcasm detector does when it detects the sarcasm it is intended to find... I couldn't find much information last time I checked Sharper Image) at a expeditious pace. Obviously finding a lineup that works and playing it consistently is nothing new in the game of baseball... but it seems that way if you're a Kansas City fan.
Check the facts (courtesy http://www.baseballreference.com/ ... if you're like me (that's a big if) it will become a staple in your web browsing ventures)...
In 162 games in 2007, then-manager Buddy Bell assembled 141 different batting orders. The most common batting order Bell used was written on the lineup card a grand total of six times... This astounds me. I think a helper monkey could pick nine names out of a hat on 162 different occasions and have more consistency in choosing a lineup (and even the monkey would realize that Shane Costa should never bat cleanup).
The fact that Hillman has used the same batting order for three straight games means he's already accomplished something that Bell never did in 2007.
Or 2006.
Or 2005.
In fact, last time Royals played the same batting order for three straight games, Carlos Beltran was hitting in the No. 2 spot, and Angel Berroa was actually a valuable member of a Major League roster (yes, kids, that was once a reality). It was in September 2003.
Oddly enough, 2003 also marked the last season the Royals were in a pennant race. Tony Pena even earned the AL Manager of the Year award.
Now I'm not going to claim that batting the same nine guys in the same nine spots everyday is the key to baseball success (of course, neither is playing Jason LaRue's .240 on-base percentage in 66 games), but a little dose of consistency can't hurt.
OK, by now your sarcasm detector should be beeping or blinking (or whatever a sarcasm detector does when it detects the sarcasm it is intended to find... I couldn't find much information last time I checked Sharper Image) at a expeditious pace. Obviously finding a lineup that works and playing it consistently is nothing new in the game of baseball... but it seems that way if you're a Kansas City fan.
Check the facts (courtesy http://www.baseballreference.com/ ... if you're like me (that's a big if) it will become a staple in your web browsing ventures)...
In 162 games in 2007, then-manager Buddy Bell assembled 141 different batting orders. The most common batting order Bell used was written on the lineup card a grand total of six times... This astounds me. I think a helper monkey could pick nine names out of a hat on 162 different occasions and have more consistency in choosing a lineup (and even the monkey would realize that Shane Costa should never bat cleanup).
The fact that Hillman has used the same batting order for three straight games means he's already accomplished something that Bell never did in 2007.
Or 2006.
Or 2005.
In fact, last time Royals played the same batting order for three straight games, Carlos Beltran was hitting in the No. 2 spot, and Angel Berroa was actually a valuable member of a Major League roster (yes, kids, that was once a reality). It was in September 2003.
Oddly enough, 2003 also marked the last season the Royals were in a pennant race. Tony Pena even earned the AL Manager of the Year award.
Now I'm not going to claim that batting the same nine guys in the same nine spots everyday is the key to baseball success (of course, neither is playing Jason LaRue's .240 on-base percentage in 66 games), but a little dose of consistency can't hurt.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Two Sweet
The Kansas City Royals are 2-0.
This, my friends (hopefully John McCain hasn't trademarked that phrase yet), is excellent news.
It has become a recent tradition for me to write something brimming with hope and optimism saying that the Royals are primed to break out, show great improvement, and finish much better than the cellar spot the national media has them pegged for.
This season, I'm late with that piece and my stance has seemingly been stolen from me. National publications have picked the KC squad to finish on the stairs and even on the ground floor (perhaps there's a reason no one ever expands on that "basement" metaphor.
With the new manager Trey Hillman and the Royals actually getting some respect this season, I almost feel like my eternal optimism (what else can one call finding positives in the acquisition of Scott Elarton two years ago?) isn't completely unusual. Now, in addition to a little preseason love, they have opened the season with two victories against the best lineup, top-to-bottom in baseball (including an astounding three-hitter today).
What is the key to the 2008 Royals? Is it an offense infused with the ever-blossoming (arbitrary Spring reference) talents of DH Billy Butler and third baseman Alex Gordon? Is it the triumvirate of Gil Meche, Brian Bannister and Zack Greinke proving their 2007 mound performances were no fluke? Is it having a mind managing the club that is willing to give young players opportunities and play to team strengths?
The answer, fine readers ('The Writings' - where you, the reader, get recognition for comprehending text), is all of the above.
At this point, we reach prediction time. Faithful readers (and by reading this far, there's a good chance you are one... Congratulations...?) will realize that my predictions are often like any occurrences of the degradation of communication that is 'ROTFL' (read: horribly wrong and unfunny). Nevertheless, I'm going on record...
The Royals will finish third in the AL Central, behind the Indians and the Tigers.
Write it down. Print it. Circle it. Underline it. Replace the dots over the letter "i"s with hearts... Do whatever you prefer with it. Just remember, you read it here.
In fact, while we're at it...
AL East Winner - Boston Red Sox (way to go out on a ledge for that one, Derek)
AL Central Winner - Cleveland Indians
AL West Winner - Angels of Anaheim (you hear me? Anaheim... none of this Los Angeles junk)
AL Wild Card - New York Yankees (sorry Tigers... but pitching is a part of the game, too)
NL East Winner - New York Mets
NL Central Winner - Houston Astros (nonsensical pick to avoid conforming to popular opinion of the day)
NL West Winner - Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Wild Card - Atlanta Braves
World Series pick - Indians over Mets
Please feel free to tear these predictions apart. Just try to refrain from personal attacks... unless they contain strikingly original attempts at humor.
This, my friends (hopefully John McCain hasn't trademarked that phrase yet), is excellent news.
It has become a recent tradition for me to write something brimming with hope and optimism saying that the Royals are primed to break out, show great improvement, and finish much better than the cellar spot the national media has them pegged for.
This season, I'm late with that piece and my stance has seemingly been stolen from me. National publications have picked the KC squad to finish on the stairs and even on the ground floor (perhaps there's a reason no one ever expands on that "basement" metaphor.
With the new manager Trey Hillman and the Royals actually getting some respect this season, I almost feel like my eternal optimism (what else can one call finding positives in the acquisition of Scott Elarton two years ago?) isn't completely unusual. Now, in addition to a little preseason love, they have opened the season with two victories against the best lineup, top-to-bottom in baseball (including an astounding three-hitter today).
What is the key to the 2008 Royals? Is it an offense infused with the ever-blossoming (arbitrary Spring reference) talents of DH Billy Butler and third baseman Alex Gordon? Is it the triumvirate of Gil Meche, Brian Bannister and Zack Greinke proving their 2007 mound performances were no fluke? Is it having a mind managing the club that is willing to give young players opportunities and play to team strengths?
The answer, fine readers ('The Writings' - where you, the reader, get recognition for comprehending text), is all of the above.
At this point, we reach prediction time. Faithful readers (and by reading this far, there's a good chance you are one... Congratulations...?) will realize that my predictions are often like any occurrences of the degradation of communication that is 'ROTFL' (read: horribly wrong and unfunny). Nevertheless, I'm going on record...
The Royals will finish third in the AL Central, behind the Indians and the Tigers.
Write it down. Print it. Circle it. Underline it. Replace the dots over the letter "i"s with hearts... Do whatever you prefer with it. Just remember, you read it here.
In fact, while we're at it...
AL East Winner - Boston Red Sox (way to go out on a ledge for that one, Derek)
AL Central Winner - Cleveland Indians
AL West Winner - Angels of Anaheim (you hear me? Anaheim... none of this Los Angeles junk)
AL Wild Card - New York Yankees (sorry Tigers... but pitching is a part of the game, too)
NL East Winner - New York Mets
NL Central Winner - Houston Astros (nonsensical pick to avoid conforming to popular opinion of the day)
NL West Winner - Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Wild Card - Atlanta Braves
World Series pick - Indians over Mets
Please feel free to tear these predictions apart. Just try to refrain from personal attacks... unless they contain strikingly original attempts at humor.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Ode to the Cats
Consider this the perfect storm.
No, I'm not a fisherman, I'm not on a fishing boat sailing into frightening weather conditions, and I'm not portrayed by George Clooney.
This "perfect storm" results from the fact that recently read a Joe Posnanski baseball preview where he discussed each team in the American League via the wonder of poetry, K-State's basketball season recently ended - meaning it's ripe for a wrap-up piece, and I think trying to do a few rhymes might be a good way to pass some time. Granted, the last time I wrote any poetry was as a high schooler - where I covered pressing issues like commode-dwelling serpents - so my rhymes may come off as a bit juvenile.
Michael Beasley
K-State's number 30,
His name - Michael Beasley;
On nearly any foe,
He scored rather easily.
Against the Hawks in Manhattan,
He put up 25;
In essence, he declared,
Sorry, KU, your streak is no longer alive.
Did I mention his rebounding?
A phase that brings to mind;
A janitor armed with Windex,
Cleaning two windows in kind.
Prior to 2007,
Who could comprehend;
Beasley-like stats,
Coming from the Wildcats' end?
Hansbrough, you're good,
You too Augustine, when you're hot;
But player of the year,
You guys are not.
The argument ends,
With the mention of Mr. Bucketization;
He's the best of season,
The best in nation.
Will he be in purple next year?
It's an answer I'd rather not say;
But I think some people in the Little Apple,
May develop more interest in the NBA.
Bill Walker
There once was a forward named Bill,
His athletic ability could thrill,
The fans in the stands,
Would all clap their hands,
I hope his chance of return is greater than nil.
Jacob Pullen
K-State's best player next season may be Pullen, Jake,
Not playing him more this year may have been a mistake,
Quick enough to sneak through defenses like a snake,
Opposing guards may involuntarily quake,
When he jitters past them after a shake,
Hopefully you talus didn't suffer a break,
Is that a pass to the weak side or is it a fake?
Think about that as you're in his wake,
Any shot on the floor, he can probaby make,
Even some free thows with the game at stake,
With that skill he made folks in Lawrence ache,
He had 20 off the bench for goodness sake,
Looking for a star next season - who should you take?
The Wildcats' Agent Zero - it's just Pullen, Jake.
The Season
Frank's inaugural season,
Is now over and done,
And for more than one reason,
It provided a fair amount of fun;
A house pack to the brim,
Saw the Cats devour the Hawks,
To anyone not dim,
They seemed like tournament locks.
Down the stretch all that optimism,
Proved a bit premature,
Instead of playing with wisdom,
At times they looked like horse manure;
At tourney selection time,
They sat close to the bubble,
It's obvious that this rhyme,
Is going to say they got in and avoided trouble;
Mitch Richmond wore No. 23,
The last time the Cats won a tournament game,
The Cats ended that streak by topping USC,
And the nation knew K-State by name;
The Cats fell to the Badgers in round two,
Their season now is finished,
But after making noise in the tourney it's hard to be blue,
And their accomplishments have not diminished.
With next season in mind, questions surround,
If Beasley and Walker are gone will the season be blown?
But several reasons for hope can easily be found,
Oh yeah, and then there's Colon.
All jokes aside, K-State will be back,
This basketball team isn't done,
What will be next season's plan of attack?
Four words - Get Ready To Run.
No, I'm not a fisherman, I'm not on a fishing boat sailing into frightening weather conditions, and I'm not portrayed by George Clooney.
This "perfect storm" results from the fact that recently read a Joe Posnanski baseball preview where he discussed each team in the American League via the wonder of poetry, K-State's basketball season recently ended - meaning it's ripe for a wrap-up piece, and I think trying to do a few rhymes might be a good way to pass some time. Granted, the last time I wrote any poetry was as a high schooler - where I covered pressing issues like commode-dwelling serpents - so my rhymes may come off as a bit juvenile.
Michael Beasley
K-State's number 30,
His name - Michael Beasley;
On nearly any foe,
He scored rather easily.
Against the Hawks in Manhattan,
He put up 25;
In essence, he declared,
Sorry, KU, your streak is no longer alive.
Did I mention his rebounding?
A phase that brings to mind;
A janitor armed with Windex,
Cleaning two windows in kind.
Prior to 2007,
Who could comprehend;
Beasley-like stats,
Coming from the Wildcats' end?
Hansbrough, you're good,
You too Augustine, when you're hot;
But player of the year,
You guys are not.
The argument ends,
With the mention of Mr. Bucketization;
He's the best of season,
The best in nation.
Will he be in purple next year?
It's an answer I'd rather not say;
But I think some people in the Little Apple,
May develop more interest in the NBA.
Bill Walker
There once was a forward named Bill,
His athletic ability could thrill,
The fans in the stands,
Would all clap their hands,
I hope his chance of return is greater than nil.
Jacob Pullen
K-State's best player next season may be Pullen, Jake,
Not playing him more this year may have been a mistake,
Quick enough to sneak through defenses like a snake,
Opposing guards may involuntarily quake,
When he jitters past them after a shake,
Hopefully you talus didn't suffer a break,
Is that a pass to the weak side or is it a fake?
Think about that as you're in his wake,
Any shot on the floor, he can probaby make,
Even some free thows with the game at stake,
With that skill he made folks in Lawrence ache,
He had 20 off the bench for goodness sake,
Looking for a star next season - who should you take?
The Wildcats' Agent Zero - it's just Pullen, Jake.
The Season
Frank's inaugural season,
Is now over and done,
And for more than one reason,
It provided a fair amount of fun;
A house pack to the brim,
Saw the Cats devour the Hawks,
To anyone not dim,
They seemed like tournament locks.
Down the stretch all that optimism,
Proved a bit premature,
Instead of playing with wisdom,
At times they looked like horse manure;
At tourney selection time,
They sat close to the bubble,
It's obvious that this rhyme,
Is going to say they got in and avoided trouble;
Mitch Richmond wore No. 23,
The last time the Cats won a tournament game,
The Cats ended that streak by topping USC,
And the nation knew K-State by name;
The Cats fell to the Badgers in round two,
Their season now is finished,
But after making noise in the tourney it's hard to be blue,
And their accomplishments have not diminished.
With next season in mind, questions surround,
If Beasley and Walker are gone will the season be blown?
But several reasons for hope can easily be found,
Oh yeah, and then there's Colon.
All jokes aside, K-State will be back,
This basketball team isn't done,
What will be next season's plan of attack?
Four words - Get Ready To Run.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Dancing With the Cats
March 1996... Does it really seem like 12 years ago?
I was in middle school (and sporting some pretty slick frames), Bill Clinton was in the White House, Michael Jordan was leading the Chicago Bulls to a record-setting 72-10 record, Braveheart won the Academy Award for Best Picture, and Jorge Sampaio became new Portuguese president (honestly, who could forget that?).
"Why bother turning back the calendar?" one might ask (... after all, one can bother asking unnecessary questions before another has the chance to explain).
March 1996 was also the last time the Kansas State Wildcats were involved an event commonly deemed "March Madness" (although the insane may take offense to such terminology).
On March 15, 1996 the Wildcats (as a No. 10 seed) battled the New Mexico Lobos in Richmond, Va. Let by point guard Elliot Hatcher and power forward Tyrone Davis, K-State had piled up 17 wins to that point. Unfortunately for the Cats, the Lobos defended like a mother Lobo protecting her pups (this simile was used just to show that I know what a Lobo is... unless the mascot refers to Lobo the alien from the planet Czarnia (from DC Comics) or Lobo the singer-songwriter who sang "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo"). K-State trailed by just a point at the half, but shot just 24-percent after the break and was outscored 38-18 in the final period.
Since that time, the K-State basketball program has seen many things happen:
- The creation of the Big 12;
- The early departure of Mark Young to play professionally (read: bad idea);
- The decision to award a scholarship to Joe Leonard (read: bad idea);
- The dismissal of Tom Asbury as head coach (read: good idea);
- The hiring of Jim Wooldridge as head coach;
- The arrival of a recruiting class pegged as No. 1 by one publication (apparently size does matter);
- The Cats getting hosed by the NIT two consecutive years;
- The dismissal of Wooldridge as head coach;
- The hiring of Bob Huggins as head coach;
- The arrival of bandwagon fans;
- The Cats being overlooked by the NCAA Tournament selection committee;
- The departure of Huggins;
- The arrival of plenty of anger and bad blood toward Huggins;
- The hiring of Frank Martin as head coach;
- The arrival of the best recruiting class to step foot in Bramlage Coliseum;
- The ascension of a basketball prodigy known as "Beasley";
- And, an up-and-down season combining the greatest of joys and the fiercest of frustrations.
That basically brings us up to date (please forgive the omission of any reference to the decision to recruit primarily out of Junction City in the late 1990s... it's probably something better off forgotten).
Anyway, the big question now is "How will the Cats fare in their first chance in the 'Big Dance' since Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men topped the charts with 'One Sweet Day'?"
Will they top the USC Trojans and become a team feared by all in their way? Or will they struggle with the most basic fundamentals of the game and get run out of the gym by O.J. Mayo and friends?
Honestly, I could see it going either way.
The Cats can cruise if...
Michael Beasley plays like Michael Beasley. I realize this is like saying "a heartbeat is necessary for survival" or "an announcer has to use a minimum of four Cinderella references to call an NCAA Tournament game," but Beasley has to get his points for the Wildcats to win. This is not because he's the only player in purple who can put the ball in the hoop, but because the offense (when it's effective) is built around him.
Beasley getting his points will bring the double-and triple-teams, which brings us to part two of this qualification - K-State has to take full advantage of the defensive focus on Beasley.
Let's pause to do a bit of math (those who don't want to can sit quietly). In the game of basketball, each team is allowed to have five players on the floor at any given time. If the Wildcats are on offense and Beasley has the ball, that means there are four (5-1=4) K-Staters who are scoring options (ok, it may be a stretch for one player in particular) who remain on that end of the court. Now, if two players are guarding Beasley while he has the ball, that means only three (5-2=3 ... math is fun) defenders remain. Now, stay with me here, if K-State has four other players on offense, but the defense only has three players away from Beasley, that means... (waiting for response from the class)... that's right - that one Wildcat should be open.
What does this all mean? It means that the offense should have players continually spotting up for open shots or cutting to the basket when Beasley has the ball. If a team is going to sacrifice a defender for a double-team, it's best to make them pay for it.
The Cats will fall if...
Those who don't wear a jersey with the number 30 on it are content to stand and watch once the ball is in his hands.
The Cats will cruise if...
Bill Walker is motivated by the opportunity to play against high school teammate Mayo and uses his uber-athleticism (aka, his aBILLity) to make an impact in all phases of the game. The scoring is wonderful, but he also has to be a force on the boards and an effective defender.
The Cats will fall if...
Walker gets in early foul trouble, limiting his ability to be effective on defense or in rebounding.
The Cats will cruise if...
Jake Pullen gets his minutes. The freshman point guard has established himself as the most talented guard on the roster, yet his playing time remains inconsistent. When K-State topped KU on Jan. 30, Pullen played 28 minutes, scored 20 points, and showed critics that the Wildcat backcourt would not be a weakness when matched up against the Jayhawks. In Lawrence on March 1, Pullen played just 11 minutes and the Cats fell 88-74.
But, it's not just Pullen. Ron Anderson has shown that he's the top rebounder/post defender/post scoring option on the team outside of the Beasley/Walker duo, yet he played just five minutes against Texas A&M (another team with a couple pretty decent posts) in the Big 12 Tournament.
Am I saying the distribution of minutes is the reason for the Wildcats' downfall? Of course not. Might it have played a part? Absolutely.
The Cats will fall if...
Pullen gets yanked and doesn't get much of a chance to run the Wildcat offense, Anderson is overlooked for minutes in the post, and Beasley and Walker are sitting next to each other on the bench with foul trouble, eating popcorn and discussing how many Bentleys they'll each have at this time next year.
Now, being the non-licensed, yet-practicing bracketologist that I am, how have I pegged the Wildcats in the tournament? On my official bracket, the Cats top the Trojans, but fall to the Wisconsin Badgers in the second round (please note that I had to beat my inexplicable optimism to the ground with a cricket bat to reach that conclusion). On the unofficial (yet much more enjoyable to fill out) version of el bracketo (my inexplicably optimistic side apparently enjoys butchering attempts at the Spanish language), the name "K-State" is printed six times, with the final script appearing underneath the heading "National Champion."
It could happen... Right?
I was in middle school (and sporting some pretty slick frames), Bill Clinton was in the White House, Michael Jordan was leading the Chicago Bulls to a record-setting 72-10 record, Braveheart won the Academy Award for Best Picture, and Jorge Sampaio became new Portuguese president (honestly, who could forget that?).
"Why bother turning back the calendar?" one might ask (... after all, one can bother asking unnecessary questions before another has the chance to explain).
March 1996 was also the last time the Kansas State Wildcats were involved an event commonly deemed "March Madness" (although the insane may take offense to such terminology).
On March 15, 1996 the Wildcats (as a No. 10 seed) battled the New Mexico Lobos in Richmond, Va. Let by point guard Elliot Hatcher and power forward Tyrone Davis, K-State had piled up 17 wins to that point. Unfortunately for the Cats, the Lobos defended like a mother Lobo protecting her pups (this simile was used just to show that I know what a Lobo is... unless the mascot refers to Lobo the alien from the planet Czarnia (from DC Comics) or Lobo the singer-songwriter who sang "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo"). K-State trailed by just a point at the half, but shot just 24-percent after the break and was outscored 38-18 in the final period.
Since that time, the K-State basketball program has seen many things happen:
- The creation of the Big 12;
- The early departure of Mark Young to play professionally (read: bad idea);
- The decision to award a scholarship to Joe Leonard (read: bad idea);
- The dismissal of Tom Asbury as head coach (read: good idea);
- The hiring of Jim Wooldridge as head coach;
- The arrival of a recruiting class pegged as No. 1 by one publication (apparently size does matter);
- The Cats getting hosed by the NIT two consecutive years;
- The dismissal of Wooldridge as head coach;
- The hiring of Bob Huggins as head coach;
- The arrival of bandwagon fans;
- The Cats being overlooked by the NCAA Tournament selection committee;
- The departure of Huggins;
- The arrival of plenty of anger and bad blood toward Huggins;
- The hiring of Frank Martin as head coach;
- The arrival of the best recruiting class to step foot in Bramlage Coliseum;
- The ascension of a basketball prodigy known as "Beasley";
- And, an up-and-down season combining the greatest of joys and the fiercest of frustrations.
That basically brings us up to date (please forgive the omission of any reference to the decision to recruit primarily out of Junction City in the late 1990s... it's probably something better off forgotten).
Anyway, the big question now is "How will the Cats fare in their first chance in the 'Big Dance' since Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men topped the charts with 'One Sweet Day'?"
Will they top the USC Trojans and become a team feared by all in their way? Or will they struggle with the most basic fundamentals of the game and get run out of the gym by O.J. Mayo and friends?
Honestly, I could see it going either way.
The Cats can cruise if...
Michael Beasley plays like Michael Beasley. I realize this is like saying "a heartbeat is necessary for survival" or "an announcer has to use a minimum of four Cinderella references to call an NCAA Tournament game," but Beasley has to get his points for the Wildcats to win. This is not because he's the only player in purple who can put the ball in the hoop, but because the offense (when it's effective) is built around him.
Beasley getting his points will bring the double-and triple-teams, which brings us to part two of this qualification - K-State has to take full advantage of the defensive focus on Beasley.
Let's pause to do a bit of math (those who don't want to can sit quietly). In the game of basketball, each team is allowed to have five players on the floor at any given time. If the Wildcats are on offense and Beasley has the ball, that means there are four (5-1=4) K-Staters who are scoring options (ok, it may be a stretch for one player in particular) who remain on that end of the court. Now, if two players are guarding Beasley while he has the ball, that means only three (5-2=3 ... math is fun) defenders remain. Now, stay with me here, if K-State has four other players on offense, but the defense only has three players away from Beasley, that means... (waiting for response from the class)... that's right - that one Wildcat should be open.
What does this all mean? It means that the offense should have players continually spotting up for open shots or cutting to the basket when Beasley has the ball. If a team is going to sacrifice a defender for a double-team, it's best to make them pay for it.
The Cats will fall if...
Those who don't wear a jersey with the number 30 on it are content to stand and watch once the ball is in his hands.
The Cats will cruise if...
Bill Walker is motivated by the opportunity to play against high school teammate Mayo and uses his uber-athleticism (aka, his aBILLity) to make an impact in all phases of the game. The scoring is wonderful, but he also has to be a force on the boards and an effective defender.
The Cats will fall if...
Walker gets in early foul trouble, limiting his ability to be effective on defense or in rebounding.
The Cats will cruise if...
Jake Pullen gets his minutes. The freshman point guard has established himself as the most talented guard on the roster, yet his playing time remains inconsistent. When K-State topped KU on Jan. 30, Pullen played 28 minutes, scored 20 points, and showed critics that the Wildcat backcourt would not be a weakness when matched up against the Jayhawks. In Lawrence on March 1, Pullen played just 11 minutes and the Cats fell 88-74.
But, it's not just Pullen. Ron Anderson has shown that he's the top rebounder/post defender/post scoring option on the team outside of the Beasley/Walker duo, yet he played just five minutes against Texas A&M (another team with a couple pretty decent posts) in the Big 12 Tournament.
Am I saying the distribution of minutes is the reason for the Wildcats' downfall? Of course not. Might it have played a part? Absolutely.
The Cats will fall if...
Pullen gets yanked and doesn't get much of a chance to run the Wildcat offense, Anderson is overlooked for minutes in the post, and Beasley and Walker are sitting next to each other on the bench with foul trouble, eating popcorn and discussing how many Bentleys they'll each have at this time next year.
Now, being the non-licensed, yet-practicing bracketologist that I am, how have I pegged the Wildcats in the tournament? On my official bracket, the Cats top the Trojans, but fall to the Wisconsin Badgers in the second round (please note that I had to beat my inexplicable optimism to the ground with a cricket bat to reach that conclusion). On the unofficial (yet much more enjoyable to fill out) version of el bracketo (my inexplicably optimistic side apparently enjoys butchering attempts at the Spanish language), the name "K-State" is printed six times, with the final script appearing underneath the heading "National Champion."
It could happen... Right?
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