Attention Shoppers

Christmas is just around the corner (figuratively) and I've still got holiday shopping to complete. Luckily for this guy, we live in the age of online shopping, meaning I can buy gifts from the comfort of my couch, rather than doing something as physically taxing as walking in a store. The web contains a bevy of options for shoppers who enjoy avoiding human interaction at all costs, with one of the most popular being the online auction site, ebay. As a service to you, the reader*, I'm scouring ebay to find the best deals this holiday season. Sit tight, because you'll be in a bidding-war in no time.

*Replace "reader" with any of the following, as necessary: indifferent observer, lovesick stalker, bloodlusting stalker, confused person looking for something with literary value, individual researching different ways to whiff on jokes in a blog.

Want to show someone how much they truly mean to you this Christmas. Perhaps you should get them a gift that they'll have for the rest of their lives... and beyond. Imagine how surprised your loved one will be when they unwrap a granite headstone on Christmas morning. For the price of the stone, the seller will even engrave the full name, year of birth, and year of passing. Note: If you purchase one and attempt to predict your loved one's year of passing so that you wouldn't need to have it engraved again later, you may want to go ahead and purchase a stone for yourself - dated 2009 - as well.

Do you have someone with a sweet tooth on your shopping list? Have no fear, 21 packs of Japanese Candy are waiting for your bid. Where else but Japan can you get fruity gummy candy shaped like rice, tuna, octopus, salmon eggs, and broiled eel? I'm not sure what logic went into deciding that the tuna and salmon egg-shaped pieces should be strawberry-flavored, but I'm truly intrigued.

Perhaps you know someone that is very comfortable with their personal body odor, enjoys dressing up in costumes outside of Halloween, and gains unfathomable joy from scaring small children. If so, this Frosty costume is just for you. Oddly, this item currently has no bids. Who wouldn't want to pay nearly $400 to look like a snowman?

For the entertainment buff on your shopping list, what could be better than a hand-signed 8x10* of Kevin Sorbo. Mr. Sorbo not only starred in the epic television series "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys"**, but he showed his acting range by moving on to projects like "Kull the Conquerer" and "Hercules and Xena - The Animated Movie." $17.99 for this item? Hello, bargain.

*Am I the only one that would be more impressed to get a signature that had not been scrawled via hand? Give me a foot-signed photo anyday.

**See? Even the title tells you that the show was legendary.

Are you the cheap sort? The type that doesn't want to buy any gifts for anyone? Believe it or not, ebay can suit your needs, as well. Check out this listing for nothing. Unfortunately for you, it seems that even nothing costs something these days.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Albert Einstein once said, "If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it."*

*See that? An Einstein quote... We're all about education here at The Writings.

Einstein may have developed the theory of relativity, but I'm not sold on his theory about ideas. After all, if Animaniacs has taught us anything (aside from the fact that lab mice enjoy attempting to take over the world), it's that a lot of pretty absurd ideas turn out to be pretty horrible ideas.

I'd like to think that, if ideas were sumo wrestlers, my good ideas would outweigh all the bad ideas I've conjured. Unfortunately, I get the overriding feeling that, if the good ideas and bad ideas were opposing football teams, the bad idea squad (sounds like a nickname for the Raiders) would have subbed in its scrubs to show some mercy long ago.

Alas, we're not here to dissect my faults in thinking (this is a blog, not a dissertation), but those of others. Consider the following...

- Do not pass 'Go'
Never once, during any of the games of Monopoly I have ever been a part of, did I think, "Wow, another community chest card. I'd love to see this excitement on the big screen." Buying property, building houses and hotel, purchasing utilities, it's all great fun when you're driving that little metal car across Baltic Avenue, but I'm struggling with this idea that such can make an entertaining script. Granted, a movie where a little dog buys a railroad may have some potential (Lassie meets Thomas the Tank Engine), it seems that there are other board games that are more deserving to move to the big screen.

Tell me you wouldn't be interested in a Hungry, Hungry Hippos film...


- I'd hate to see what the sand trap is used for...
So golf is often referred to as a gentleman's game, right? Yet, here we are now with golf clubs acting as urinals. The invention may come off sounding pretty slick (figuratively... hopefully) in the article, but it certainly does not address my main concern. What happens when the fake club is inevitably mistaken for a real one and it strikes the golf ball? My guess is that the golf towel will be a necessity... As might a new crew of golfing buddies.

So how does one look when using the UroClub? "It looks like you're practicing your swing or something," according to the inventor. My guess is that the "or something" portion of that sentence is pretty accurate.


- One of the few foods that can clog your arteries just by reading about it
I'll admit, I'm a little curious. It sounds like a dish that would be fun to try.

I just want to know if you're expected to pay the waitress before or after your trip to the emergency room.

Time for Links

Go ahead and re-read that title.

Pretty simple, eh? Yet, it took about all the creativity I could muster on this Saturday morn. As a result, I'm taking the route that so many of those who publish blogs on the web have before me, and I'm going to focus on nothing but links in this Writing. Is it cheap and lazy? Sure, but I have also used both aforementioned terms to describe myself in the past... It works.


Invisibility Cloak - This seems like a marvelous (please note: italicized text intended to be read with a sarcstic tone... Feel free to start the sentence over (this time with feeling!) if you prefer) idea. After all, a study in London has shown that one out of every three people suffers from paranoia. With the new concern of invisible people wandering around, this number is bound to rise. Now, whenever the wind blows paranoia will strike and people will stare into nothingness with wild eyes, wondering if some invisibility cloaked person has incredible lung capacity.

Rock on - Continuing the theme of legitimate scientific studies, we have this. Granted, I'm no "rocker." In fact, the closest I get to head-banging is shaking my head in effort to get water out of my ear after a shower. Nevertheless, only the most sophisticated tests were used in effort to achieve a firm conclusion in this vital study. Show me a scientific study that doesn't take juvenile delinquency or Beavis and Butt-head into account.

Space Java - ...and all the caffeine-addicted astronauts who just can't bring themselves to drink instant coffee rejoice. Does this mean we'll finally get the commercial feature Juan Valdez and his donkey in space that the world has been clamoring for?

Yikes - As someone who tends to have an uncanny ability to blink nearly every time a picture of him is attempted, I have little room to comment on bad photos... but I also don't have any photos of myself that look quite like this. It seems Senator McCain is taking some notes for the Air Jordan Handbook. While MJ stuck out his tongue on the court, McCain is taking following suit on the campaign trail. Can it be long before we have a "Be like John" theme song?

There's always hope? - We conclude with a trip down Memory Boulevard (Memory Lane is under construction as a result of too much traffic), back to the days when 500+ yard performances by K-State's opponents weren't seen as a nearly foregone conclusion, back when the Wildcats had a rushing attack, and back when they didn't wear ridiculous purple pants (I'm sorry, but those are horrible)... Ah, memories.