Gotta get back in time

Recently, I purchased the 1985 World Series on DVD. For someone like me*, the buy was a no-brainer. I now have the chance to relive the only World Series championship in Royals history. Not only does the DVD set commemorate the last time the Royals were in the Series, but also the last time they were in the playoffs.** Now, like Marty McFly, I'm heading back to 1985. (Though I'm not wearing one of those weird life-jacket-type vests while doing it.)

*This is a very heavy statement, but in this occurrence it refers to someone who pays way too much attention to the game of baseball and has been hopelessly optimistic about the Kansas City Royals for as long as he can remember.

**And, some might argue, the last time they were relevant.

I was just a chubby (... okay, hefty) three-year-old when all this excitement actually took place in Kansas City. As a result, I have no memories of the historic occasion. (I'm told I was probably too busy crying about wanting more donuts to pay attention to baseball.) With that in mind, I'm going to enjoy the opportunity to take in all 17-hours of action contained in the DVD set. (What do you mean I should do something more productive with my time? I'm multitasking right now.)

I fit Game One of the series in last night, and I'm moving on to Game Two tonight. Even though I know the results of every game already, for someone like me (there's that phrase again) watching it all is a lot of fun. Along with the results, I also know the following...

In 1985, facial hair was prevalent in the world of baseball, and it was not worn for shock value or comic relief. It was just the thing to do. Bored? Grow a mustache to look like a state trooper from Rhode Island. Really bored? Go for the full Grizzly Adams beard. There's more facial hair in this series than at most hobo conventions.*

*Do hobos have conventions? Looks like it... I'd rag on their website, but I don't know that there are many folks fluent in web coding in the hobo community.

In 1985, if the image they just showed was accurate, Japanese broadcasters were welcome at the World Series, but they were forced to broadcast from a linen closet. Cameras just showed four Japanese broadcaster crammed into a space about the size of your average Easy Bake oven. Those on the other side of the world probably wondered why there were so many players named "Wow, this discomfort is like something I have never experienced" in American baseball.

In 1985, the Royals were freakishly good on the mound, on defense, and on the basepaths. Considering that they won the World Series, that probably should not be any surprise, but if you've seen any Royals games over the last, well, 15 years, you realize that great fundamentals are not always on display. (Cue video montage of Royals dropping pop flies, running into each other in the outfield, running into each other in the infield, getting hit in the back by cutoff throws, and getting thrown out at home by 13 feet... Feel free to play appropriate Benny Hill music during said montage, if you prefer.)

In 1985, the phrase "super slow-mo" was oft used to describe instant replays. The footage on said replays was as blurry as video recorded through a frosted submarine periscope, but the slow-mo was super nonetheless.

In 1985, perms were big. Wow.

In 1985, the "ultimate toy," according to broadcaster Al Michaels, was the satellite dish. In 2010, they're the ultimate lawn art.

In 1985, sporting glasses (glasses so large that one would need to do daily neck exercises just to wear them) while playing competitive sports was not uncommon. If an announcer ever said such a player had a "good head on his shoulders" he probably meant that it was astounding that the player's head could support such frames.

In 1985, proper spelling of Cardinals was not required to get your sign shown on national television. Isn't that right, fans with the "Cardnials" sign?

In 1985, again according to Al Michaels, MacGyver was "America's newest hero." In honor of MacGyver, I've pieced this Writing together from a paperclip, a plastic comb, and a cassette tape of Journey's greatest hits.

In 1985, the Royals fell behind in the World Series, two games to none... For some reason I have a good feeling about things. Call me crazy, but I think the Royals will take it in seven.

The Power of Negative Thinking

In the fourth inning of tonight's Kansas City Royals' game, the home squad gave up five runs to the Houston Astros, one of the worst offensive teams in baseball. As I watched the game with my brother and father, I considered suggesting changing the channel to something like a documentary about optical surgeries gone wrong... That seemed less painful. It was just the fourth inning, but I was convinced the Royals were doomed.

As I type, the game is now in the 8th inning. The Royals lead 15-7.

I'm really beginning to think this pessimism thing has great merit.

Here's to a horrible day tomorrow.

Remember when...

I'm in the midst of being depressed by the fact that Royals pitcher, and 2009 Cy Young Award winner, Zack Grienke is hittable this season. Thus far tonight, he's given up six runs in 4 2/3 innings. Yup, depressing.

Thankfully, I have the commentary of Ryan Lefebvre and Frank White to cheer me up. Why does the baseball talk bantered between these two help ease my pain? Two reasons:

1. Frank White laughs at everything. Seriously. Everything. Quips, puns, yips, and Huns (Atilla was a joker). You could say a chicken crossed the road because he was a communist and Frank would laugh. You could answer the "Who's there?" after "Knock, Knock" with "the paperboy," and Frank would laugh. Frank laughs so many times during the course of a broadcast that I'm fairly confident he giggles in his sleep. I need to convince Frank to follow me around someday. I can't imagine the confidence boost it would be to have someone laugh every time you tried to make a joke.

...Then again, I'd probably be the one person he doesn't find funny.

2. Lefebvre was just talking about the Royals top pick of the 2010 draft - a shortstop named Christian Colon. Chances are he could be a standout at the position. Unfortunately, it's just as likely that he'll one day be cursed like former Royals shortstops Neifi Perez and Tony Pena, Jr. Nonetheless, the commentary I enjoyed tonight has nothing to do with Colon (pronounced ku-LONE, not KO-lun, thankfully), but with Lefebvre's assessment. Ryan said that Colon has been compared to Placido Polanco (read: average Major League 2B), but also to Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter "in terms of his makeup." Long-time readers of The Writings with above-average memories will recognize why I find comparing someone to Jeter in such terms humorous, but for those to don't, you have homework.

It will be quite a day when my mom can show me a picture of a Royals player in her AVON catalog.

The Perfect Manager

There are days when the inevitable finally happens. Today was one of those. The Kansas City Royals, standing firm in the cellar of the American League Central, fired manager Trey Hillman. Hillman was in the midst of his third season at the team's helm and had led the squad to a combined 152-207 record during that time. Basically, his teams were about as successful as squirrel doing the Lindy Hop on the interstate.

It can be argued (in undeniably convincing manner) that the Royals have not exactly put together teams with enough talent to be legitimately competitive in the Majors; that the team was doomed to fail no matter who served as manager. Nonetheless, it can also be argued (again with much conviction) that the manager isn't doing much to help his squad move toward success when he allows a shortstop who has proven to be one of the worst hitters in baseball to hit with two runners on toward the end of a tight game instead of going with a slugging first baseman as a pinch-hitter. Some say that you live and you learn... Sadly, Trey never seemed to learn, as illustrated by the fact that he never moved "The Human Windmill" Dave Owen from his spot as third base coach. Owen has caused the death of more runners than self-combustible cleats, yet Hillman never talked him into checking out what the game looked like from the dugout. In more ways than one, it's been a running joke.

Word is that Ned Yost will assume managerial duties for the rest of the season. Including those that have held interim positions, Yost marks the seventh Royals skipper in nine years. Seven new managers in nine years! The Royals pass the leadership buck more often than a lot of people go to the doctor. Is Yost the right guy for the job? Who knows. I thought Hillman might be, and have now seen how that turned out. Again, with the "talent" on the current roster, it's very possible that there may not be a "right guy." Nevertheless, that's not going to keep me from having a little fun with things.

The Perfect Manager
(performed by current members of the Royals family, to be sung to the tune of Mary Poppins' "The Perfect Nanny"... or (much more accurately) The Simpsons' "Minimum Wage Nanny.")


General Manager Dayton Moore:
If you want to be our skipper,
It helps to have connections to Chipper.*

Shortstop Mike Aviles:
It's also good to have a knowledge of sport,
and never play Yuni Betancourt.

Outfielder David DeJesus:
Don't makes us bunt in the first inning,
Convince us that you know the definition of winning.

Former Uber-prospect Alex Gordon:
Don't spend your free time finding names you can nick,
and remember I actually need to play to see if I can hit a lick.

Little-used closer Joakim Soria:
Learn to use the bullpen; pitch me in situations that won't necessarily earn a save;
Once-prospect now bench cheerleader extraordinaire Kila Ka'aihue:
And don't be afraid to bench a veteran in favor of the new wave.

Cy Young Winner Zack Greinke:
Hurry, Skipper, even great pitching rarely earns me a win,
The Human Windmill Dave Owen:
I'll do it...
All:
We'd rather eat a rusted pile of tin.


*Chipper Jones, that is. He's been an Atlanta Brave for 17 years. Dayton came to the Royals from the Braves organization and he's always seemed pretty keen on doing things "the Braves' way" and bringing in former Atlantans. It's worked out well so far... Wait, what?

It's a hit... What? Really?

Twelve games into the 2010 season, the Kansas City Royals lead Major League Baseball in batting average.

Read that again to allow it to really sink in.

With over 7-percent of the season now complete, the Royals are batting .309 as a team, which leads the Majors. Is this a fact to get worked up over? No. Because the MLB season carries on longer than most stints in Purgatory, this could prove to be a statistical oddity that is long forgotten by game 162. Is it a topic worthy of receiving in-depth examination*by The Writings? Of course.

*Translation: Pointless commentary with a chance of childish humor.

The success at the plate starts with a newcomer. Scott Podsednik - a former Mariner, Brewer, White Sock, and Rocky* - leads the Royals, the Majors, and most video game leagues with a .457 average. Should he keep that up throughout the rest of the season, he'd set some records, be subject to a number of tests for performance enhancing drugs, and possibly be attacked by Lex Luthor. Podsednik's career batting average, though, is .279. Thus, those who fall on the sane side of The Great Wall of Mental Stability have pretty solid support for the argument that he's due for some struggles.

*Typically, you don't read the singular of White Sox and Rockies.
Then again, typically writers don't amuse themselves by writing about
odd folks at Burger King.

Behind Scotty Pods*, Jose Guillen is batting .367. Unfortunately, there's little to write about Guillen. After all, he's just a 34-year old who is making $12 million this season, once got in a verbal confrontation with Royals' fans, called his own teammates "babies," played surgeon on himself, was mentioned in the Mitchell Report, told reporters "Yes, I suck," and apparently nearly died over the offseason. Oh, and he's played for 10 different Major League teams in 14 seasons... I really wish there was something to write about with this guy.

*As those who don't know him at all call him.

Joining Guillen on the "baseball years" senior citizen list is catcher Jason Kendall. Kendall, 36 (which is actually 74 in catcher years)is currently batting .348. Kendall's career average is .290, which is very respectable, but he hasn't hit .300 or better since 2004. In fact, he has not hit higher than .246 over the past three seasons.

Podsednik, Guillen and Kendall are all playing well beyond their abilities, but no performance so far has been more surprising than that of shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt. Betancourt entered Monday night batting .318. Last season, he hit .245, or approximately what Albert Pujols would hit if he was swinging a ping pong paddle. It's nice to see the guy having success at the plate, but expecting it to continue is kind of like expecting hordes of friendly leprechauns to deliver fresh-baked donuts to your home each morning. It only ends in disappointment.

Unfortunately for the Royals, the unexpected offensive superiority has not meant success. Through 12 games, Kansas City is 5-7. The struggles can be largely chalked up to struggles by KC relief pitchers. Many around Kansas City say that the Royals' bullpen is unreliable. I, however, disagree. I think they're unbelievably reliable. After all, you can rely on them to give up four runs each game.

The Facts of Life - Taking the Good and the Bad of the Royals' Offseason

Each November, I approach the baseball off-season with cautious optimism. After all, this could be the year that the Royals decide to make a move or two that could really help push the team in the right direction. By the time January rolls around, I'm usually trying to convince myself that Kansas City's signing of a washed-up player will be just what the team needs. (Reggie Sanders? We can't lose!) The Royals' 2009-2010 off-season has certainly not been short on activity thus far, but has the activity been worthwhile? Only time will tell. Sure, I could detail my own personal verdict on each move, but such opens the door for me to really look like an idiot in the future, and that's already guaranteed to happen for a variety of other reason. Nevertheless, I can't ignore the transactions entirely. What follows is a quick rundown of both the good and the bad relating to each move. Judge for yourself...

Royals trade 3B/OF/1B/2B/Radio Personality/Security Guard/Hot Dog Vendor Mark Teahen to the Chicago White Sox for 2B Chris Getz and 3B/OF Josh Fields.
The good - Getz is a better defensive 2B than the incumbent Alberto Callaspo. Fields hit 23 home runs in 2007. Teahen has never developed into a consistent offensive force.
The bad - As you can see in the details of the deal, KC loses a player with a load of versatility. In Teahen, they also lose one of the team's most likable players. (And if you're going to lose, you at least want your players to be likable.... Sorry, Jose Guillen.) In return, the Royals got a 2b and a 3B, filling holes at... well, nowhere. The team already had Callaspo at 2B and ever-ready-to-breakout Alex Gordon at 3B. Trading for a SS, C, CF or pitcher might have made more sense.

Royals sign C Jason Kendall
The good - Kendall is a three-time All Star who has caught in the postseason four times. He fills a hole behind the plate.
The bad - He's 35. His last All Star season was 10 years ago, when folks were trying to sell off the rations they'd previously collected for Y2K. The Royals fought logic and signed him for two years when they could have kept a younger catcher for a cheaper salary. He once did (warning: sickening photo ahead) this to his ankle.

Royals sign OF Brian Anderson
The good - They signed the outfield version of Brian Anderson rather than the pitcher version, who allowed 23 earned runs in just 30 innings pitched in his last season with the Royals.
The bad - Anderson is a 27-year-old that can play CF, but has never really proven himself at the Major League level... Sounds an awful lot like Mitch Maier, who the Royals already have on their roster. This is kind of like buying a season of LOST on DVD when you already have recorded all of the episodes on your DVD recorder.*

*Sorry, I have LOST on my mind. Just over a week until the new season starts...  (This footnote brought to you by ABC.)

Royals sign P Noel Arguelles
The good - A Cuban defector, Arguelles was one of the top pitchers on the Cuban national team.
The bad - Believe it or not, my knowledge of the Cuban national team is limited. His arm could be attached with three twist ties and I would not know any different.

Royals sign OF Scott Podsednik
The good - Posednik once stole 70 bases in a season. He was an All Star in 2005. That same season, he hit two triples and a home run to help the White Sox top the Houston Astros in the World Series.
The bad - He'll be 34 when the season starts, meaning much of the speed he once had could have vanished like Brett Favre's chance at another Super Bowl*. He's not particularly strong when it comes to getting on base and certainly not when it comes to hitting with power. Also, much like David Dejesus, he's a better fit for left field than center.

*Sorry. I know this is a baseball Writing, but it's tough to contain the glee that comes with knowing that something aside from Brett Favre coverage will be on television over the next two weeks.

Royals sign OF Rick Ankiel
The good - This. As you can see, Ankiel, a former pitching phenom, is able to make good use of his arm in the outfield. He hit 25 home runs in 2008; good news for a club that ditched two of it's top power hitters from a year ago.
The bad - He hit just 11 home runs last season and batted .231. He walks about as frequently as a 799-lbs. man. His range in the outfield leaves much to be desired and the Royals' roster already features so many outfielders that one wonders if they're going to field an infield at all.

With Spring Training still over a month away, it's possible the Royals could still make another move. Will it be worthwhile? Only time will tell. (Though sarcastic opinions help pass the time.)

Copyright Derek D. Larson

Copyright Derek D. Larson

This Week in Sports - Nov. 15-21

Zack Greinke Wins the AL Cy Young Award
The national media recognizes what most local folks already know: Zack Greinke was the best pitcher in the American League last season. Greinke made several hitters look like they were swinging pool noodles while at the plate this year, and for that he wins baseball's top pitching honor*. He's the first Royal to win the Cy Young since David Cone in the quasi-season (read: strike-shortened) of 1994. Greinke is also the first Cy Young winner to say that he had not been thinking about the award lately because he was busy playing World of Warcraft. How can someone (aside from opposing batters) not love this guy?

*The Cy Young narrowly edges out Royals Pitcher of the Year as the top award for a pitcher in baseball.

Astute readers might wonder why awards like the Cy Young are just now being presented when the baseball regular season finished 44 days ago. The answer to such a query lies in the fact that votes are not certified unless they are first sailed across the Atlantic and then mushed through the course for Alaska's Iditarod. Upon completion of such tasks, Snowball the sled dog will lick (if you're lucky) your ballot*.

*Ballot submission is completed by burying the ballot in the outfield at Wrigley Field, all while angry Cub fans curse about your mother, douse you with beer, and zing batteries at you in attempt to make you lose track of what you're doing.


Dwayne Bowe is Suspended for Using a Substance Banned by the NFL
What this means: The Chiefs will lose to the Steelers this Sunday by 31 instead of 24. Bowe is the Chiefs' best receiver, but such a title is akin to being called the Least Terrifying Raiders fan. They're all folks you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley*. In the grand scheme of things, Bowe's suspension means very little for this team.

*Note: The Writings do not condone going into dark alleys at all. Nothing good ever comes from a dark alley. If you really need to venture into an alley, wait until daytime. The Writings: We're Here to Keep You From Getting Jumped by Thugs, Ninjas, or Mutated Rats.

I apologize. I'm supposed to be an optimistic fan, but the Chiefs of recent seasons seem be the kryptonite to my super-optimism. At times, I wonder if I'd trust the organization to draft my fantasy football team.


Dolphins Running Back Ronnie Brown is Out for the Rest of the Season
This news, dear readers, is devastating. You see, my fantasy football team - Get Off of Mike Cloud - is already on a losing streak that threatens to eliminate me from playoff contention. That streak continued last weekend thanks in part to Jaguars running back Maurice Jones-Drew making a selfless play and taking a knee to waste time off the clock when he could have scored a touchdown. His act helped his NFL team win, but it cost GOoMC six fantasy points... I lost by three. It seems Mr. Jones-Drew values his spot on the Jaguars' roster (and the checks they pay him) more than the spot on my roster (and the fact that I'm willing to pay him in shout-outs from The Writings... Go get'em, Mo!)

WARNING: FANTASY FOOTBALL ANALYSIS AHEAD
Brown's injury presents me with quite a predicament. He was my No. 2 running back. Now, my options to replace him are Buffalo's Fred Jackson (who has barely been worth a roster spot since starter Marshawn Lynch returned from suspension; however, there's talk that he could assume a greater role if the Bills choose to embrace the Wildcat offense), Indianapolis' Donald Brown (who was threatening to take the load of the carries from starter Joseph Addai, but then suffered an injury) or one of three players on the waiver wire: Atlanta's Jason Snelling (in for an injured Michael Turner), Washington's Ladell Betts (in for an injured Clinton Portis) or Seattle's Justin Forsett (in for an injured Julius Jones).

Best case scenario: Jackson becomes Buffalo's Ronnie Brown, and Donald Brown runs so well coming off his injury that the Colts have no choice but to give him carries. GOoMC ends its losing streak, zips through the playoffs, and leaves me in position to gloat about my championship once the season is over. Also, people don't pity me for putting this much thought into fantasy football.*

*If I ever need to write an essay on why I'm single, I might just copy and paste this section about fantasy football... They'll get the message.

Worst case scenario: My running backs continue to stand on the sidelines. My free agent pickup is injured. Donovan McNabb decides to leave the country. Maurice Jones-Drew thinks that he should start kneeling the ball every time he touches it. Roddy White is attacked by an actual falcon, which proceeds to bite 6 of his fingers off. The Steelers' defense goes on strike. GOoMC scores 14 more points the rest of the season and misses the playoffs; I suffer much taunting as a result.  I suffer much taunting for putting this much thought into fantasy football. My family buys me a CD titled "Your Neighbor's Greatest Hits" for Christmas.

The Raiders Bench Quarterback Jamarcus Russell
This week in "moves that should have been done five weeks ago."


To be continued...

A Return to Pointlessness

Popular opinion* says that it's been far too long since a Writing has been composed of nothing but random thoughts of a bulleted nature. It's time to rectify this lack of typed drivel.

*"Popular opinion" belongs to the author. He supports his opinions, in most cases.

- I picked up a new cellphone awhile back. When texting, it often attempts to guess the next work i'm going to type. If I type, "I'm going" it might suggest "home" as the next word. I can see how it might be a convenient feature. Unfortunately, my particular phone seems a bit paranoid about our nation's safety. On several occasions, it has attempted to finish my sentence with the word "terrorists." My phone wants me to send messages like "I saw the terrorists," "let's go watch terrorists," or "I ate terrorists." Believe it or not, I don't take my phone's advice very often.

- My toaster is the one that knows what it is talking about.

- The opening to "Shaq vs." refers to Shaquille O'Neal as an athlete "formed out of Greek mythology." That seems like an odd nickname for his mother.

- I'm also glad that the announcers decided to clarify for the audience that "Shaq vs." is "the only show where four-time NBA Champion Shaquille O'Neal takes on world class athletes in their own sports." I thought for sure I'd seen it happen on "Nash Bridges," but thanks to the informative announcer, I know I was mistaken.

- I had never watched "Shaq vs." prior to tonight... Now that I have, it seems there is good reason that I've never programmed it into my DVR.

- Zack Greinke currently has 12 strikeouts through six innings pitched. He's been the best pitcher in the American League this year, but he's on the worst team in the league. If you are writing a story about things that are not fair, consider this for your lead.

- Yes, I admit that the Royals are the worst time in the American League... But they aren't the worst in the Majors. Thank you, Washington Nationals, for taking charge in the department of futility.

- Need to figure out if you're an adult yet? Head to the dentist. If paying for the dental work hurts more than sitting through it, congratulations, you're all grown up.

- Did I say 12 strikeouts through six innings? I meant 14 through seven, which ties the Royals' single-game record. With the way things have gone lately, I'm just glad we're talking about records that don't involve "most losses," "most consecutive at bats without actually making contact with a pitch," or "most fans that leave directly following the hot dog race."

- My new neighbor (in my apartment with thin walls) apparently enjoys calling her mother and yelling at her over the phone. I'm sure her mom appreciates it as much as I do. Luckily for the mom, she at least has the option of hanging up. I have yet to locate that button on my Dunder-Mifflin brand wall. 

- 15 strikeouts in a game marks a new Royals record for Donald Zackary Greinke. Congratulations to the young man, and congratulations to KC beat writers for having something to write about other than the Royals failing to capitalize with runners in scoring position.

- I'll close with a video most of you have probably seen, but if you have not, have a look. K-State guard Denis Clemente hits a shot that looks like it belongs in the old Jordan/Bird McDonalds commercial. I have not received any confirmation as to whether coach Frank Martin is petitioning the NCAA to make this sort of shot legal.

Denis Clemente (K-State) Crazy Shot, Can you beat this Lebron?

It's time to seek help.

When a person has self-destructive tendencies, it is always best for that person to seek help. Many have done it, and now it's my turn. You see, I have an addiction. One that leads to little more than frustration, heartache, and the urge to stick one's hand into a garbage disposal. I know how feeding this addiction leaves me feeling. I've known for years.

I used to be able to fool myself into thinking that my actions were rational; that what I was doing might somehow pay off in the end. Now, as I get older, I may be seeing the error of my ways. I know I have a problem, and I know it's one I've brought upon myself. The only thing left to do is address it head on.

Hi. My name is Derek, and I am a Royals fan.

It's good to have that out there.

Back in April, the Royals became a trendy pick to be the winner of the American League Central. Some off-season transactions combined with a stellar month of play last September instilled many - including the author - with the idea that the Royals could put things together and win a relatively weak division. At first, it seemed that such hopes might have firm backing, as KC opened the season by winning 18 of its first 29 games.

My, how things have changed. After falling to the Tigers tonight, the Royals are 45-70, at the bottom of their division, and they have won more games than just one other team in all of Major League Baseball.

It's true, being a fan of a team during one disappointing season doesn't call for an intervention, but the Royals have only had one winning season since the 1994 strike year. Each of the 15 seasons since, I have conjured up optimism, fooling myself into thinking, "This could be a good year." At the end of most of those seasons, I felt like I did at the end of the third movie in the Matrix trilogy. I was searching for answers and occasionally muttering, "What just happened?"

The big victim of this disappointing 2009 has to be Zack Greinke, a pitcher considered by some to be the best in the American League. Earlier tonight, Greinke tossed seven shutout innings against the Detroit Tigers, the top team in the AL Central. He struck out seven Detroit batters and gave up just 3 hits. It was a stellar outing; one you might expect from a Cy Young Award-caliber pitcher. It was a performance that results in victory 13 times out of 14.* The Royals lost 1-0 when relief pitcher Roman Colon gave up a walk-off home run to Brandon Inge.

*I have not actually done the math on this.

Greinke entered tonight's game leading the American League in earned run average and was second in strikeouts. Despite his dominating numbers, the Royals have won just 11 of the 24 games he has pitched in.

Collectively, the Royals have the lowest team on-base percentage and have scored the second-fewest runs in the American League. Their lineup tonight featured a journeyman catcher batting cleanup and the third-string catcher as designated hitter. Their offense this season has been slightly more intimidating than a puppy that just learned to chase its tail.

Despite the disappointing year, the Royals front office made no moves at the recent trading deadline. There was no attempt to drop dead weight, no pursuit of young, promising prospects. Nothing.

A well person would probably have learned his lesson by now. A well person would have been subjected to three or four years of disappointment and then moved on to something else, like sewer fishing, razor wire climbing, or buffalo tipping. A well person would not be crafting this writing. Some might suggest giving personal wellness a try.

I've addressed the issue. Now, I have to figure out the next step. Some might suggest just buying a Cardinals cap. Others would say I need to move closer to another Major League team. Others would suggest giving up baseball altogether and maybe switching my fandom to soccer, cricket, or jai alai. Alas, I'm the one in control here, so it's my decision to make.

...

...

... Hey, the Royals play at 12:05 p.m. tomorrow. Maybe a Luke Hochevar start is just what they need.

Forget wellness.

Tales from the Road - Days 3-5

To continue the common theme here at The Writings of posting things after they are no longer timely, this summation of days 3-5 of the Road Trip of Derek Larson comes two days after I returned home. This lack of punctuality was the plan all along.*

*Cough*LIAR*cough.

In our last post - which may be commonly referred to as The Epic of Derek, thanks to it's absurd length* - Derek traveled to Arkansas, caught a Double-A baseball game, was awaken by some sort of terrorist infiltration alarm, and traveled across Missouri into Illinois. As we pick things up in part 2 of The Epic, our protagonist is departing from his stay in Galesburg, Ill., and headed toward Clinton, Iowa.

*The Cliffs Notes will be available in bookstores soon.

News flash - I can be easily distracted. While I do not officially have Attention Deficit Disorder, at times I like to consider myself as an honorary member of the ADD society. With one task on my mind, the simple sight of something out of the ordinary ("Ooh, an Arby's!") can throw me off completely. This journey marks one such occasion, as it seems some sort of distraction led me to divert from my intended route. I pulled into a gas station, grabbed my road atlas, and attempted to gain my bearings. It was at this time that I found an alternate route guaranteed to be more scenic, as it would travel right along the Mississippi River. After a quick discussion with my navigator*, this new route was accepted, and I was back on track.

*I do my best to make talking to myself sound reasonable.

 While the alternate route brought a bit of frustration, courtesy massive road construction efforts, it also brought provided the opportunity to assuage my inner gambler.



At the sight of a casino, I slammed on my brakes, swerved to the right, hopped a curb, parked illegally, jumped from my car and ran inside, shouting "ching, ching" all the way. Sprinting up to the nearest roulette table, I put $500 on red, only to see that little ball settle on 26 black. Discouraged, but not defeated, I continued to feed the gambling demon inside me, only to leave when I had lost all my cash and I discovered they wouldn't accept my scorecard from the Northwest Arkansas Naturals game as a bet. As a result, I currently live in the streets of Davenport, Iowa, and I'm typing this Writing from the laptop of a Starbucks customer who is currently in the restroom.


Remember when I said I can be easily distracted? Consider the previous paragraph as proof. In truth, as I drove through Davenport, I found that this area of town along the river seemed to be a pretty nice location. Thanks in part to the Holiday Inn's "You'll Wake Up and You'll Like It" alarm from the morning before, I was well ahead of schedule, so I decided to stop and check things out. I did go and check out the casino, however my gambling exploits were not as bold as those detailed above. Embracing my "wuss bets" nature, I played nothing but penny and nickel slots. I left with $6 less than I arrived with, and the knowledge that this particular casino was basically a retirement home with smoking, drinks, and slot machines. I'm pretty confident I was the youngest person there by about 40 years.







After departing the casino, I took a stroll along the river. It was there that I encountered a rather large (read: obese), shirtless man, who wore shorts that appeared to be a bit too small; a wanna-be singer who was having a friend snap pictures of her on the stage of an ampitheater, and another large man who was putting his shirt on as he walked toward the casino. None of this is really relevant at all, but I am glad the last guy was going to follow the "no shoes, no shirt" policy at the casino.

A scenic trip on Highway 67 brought took me to Clinton, where I found the need to adjust my initial plans for lodging. Such changes were deemed necessary when I discovered that the hotel I orginally planned to stay at was located next to three rough looking bars and a gentleman's club. I decided this lodging option did not meet my strict standards for overnight stay options*, and found an alternate option.

*Rule No. 1 - Don't stay someplace where the odds of you getting stabbed are 1:1.

After settling in, I was off to Alliant Energy Field to see the Burlington Bees attempt to sting the Clinton Lumberkings.



 Hitting the highlights...

- The folks in Clinton seem to take the "park" in "ballpark" very seriously, as there seemed to be as many seats available at picnic tables around the field as there were in the stands. It gave the game the feel of a little league contest. Unfortunately, I did not witness any angry parents shouting from the stands or players sitting down in the outfield.

- The drop from Double-A ball to Single-A was noticeable. The stadium featured no video board, and names did not appear on jerseys, again contributing to a little league feel. Unfortunately, I'm unsure whether the teams went out for pizza after the game.

- During the eighth inning, the folks in the stadium PA box played the chicken dance. After watching those that participated, I determined this is the method used to determine who in the stadium is no longer sober enough to drive home.

- Instead of traditional ballpark vendors, this park featured waitresses walking around with serving trays and taking drink orders. I'm unsure whether LumberKings* management conducted studies to determine that drink sales increase when those in the stands feel like they're at a bar. If so, it seems that the next step is having a jukebox in the dugout and a pool table in the outfield.

*For those curious, it seems that a LumberKing is simply a lumberjack wearing a crown. I'm not sure how many lumberjacks in the world are actually of royal bloodlines, but it may be worth looking into.

- In regard to the actual baseball game that took place, Burlington picther Ivor Hodgson showed some pitches that moved as if they had minds of their own. He struck out 12 batters in just 5 2/3 innings. Burlington topped Clinton 6-4, putting Royals-affiliated squads at 1-1 on my trip.


Friday morning, I departed the wondrous city of Clinton on my way to Omaha, Neb. This trip called for driving the entire length of Iowa, from east to west. Luckily, I wasn't traveling alone. You see, a friend called rain decided to accompany me for a few hours that morning.



While the company provided by such precipitation was appreciated*, the rain and I decided to part ways before arriving in Des Moines. Because I had plenty of driving at hand and little time for detours, I drove Interstate 80 for the length of this trip. As a result, the scenery I witness on this journey could be summed up in one word: corn. By the time I reached Omaha, I was having a hard time distinguishing what was real and what was the result of cornfield overload hallucination. The Kellogg's Corn Flakes rooster on my shoulder telling me stop at every grocery store for Corn Flake goodness certainly wasn't helping, either.

*In the same way one appreciates a flesh-eating virus.

In Omaha, I found myself cursing the person who first came up with the idea of a one-way street. Driving through the downtown area, it seemed every turn I wanted to make involved going the wrong way on a one-way. With rebellion not being part of my nature, I fought such notions and drove through the city as if I was obeying a short-circuiting GPS unit. I don't consider it a good sign when you make it from one end of a city of 390,000 people to the other and still have no idea where you are going to be lodging. I'd say my meandering trip went unnoticed, but there are probably a few folks on street corners that noticed a car with Kansas plates drive by multiple times who would disagree.

After finally finding a place to lay my head that did not involve sneaking into the zoo, I was off to Rosenblatt Stadium.



I gathered from the souvenir program that the theme for the 2009 Omaha Royals is "Fun Rules!" Sadly, the Royals entered the contest sitting at the bottom of the Pacific Coast League. Fun may rule, but it apparently doesn't involve success.

One thing fun must involve is screaming, as the kids in attendance treated the game as if it were a Jonas Brothers concert. I'm not sure why a t-shirt toss calls for ear-crippling cries, but apparently it must be listed in the Fun Rulebook.

The Royals lost to the Las Vegas 51s, 6-4. Despite the losing effort, I enjoyed the chance to see the Triple-A Royals in action. For those unaware, Triple-A is the highest level of the minor leagues, meaning many players on this squad are one sprained ankle away from playing in Kansas City. The fact that the Triple-A version of the Royals is in last place, though, does not seem to say much for the immediate future for the major league club.

The big event following the game was a fireworks display, which I decided would serve as a replacement for the colorful explosions I missed seeing while away on business for Independence Day. This particular display proved noteworthy due to the soundtrack that accompanied the show. I'm not sure what exactly Ace of Base's "All That She Wants (is another baby)" or Inner Circle's "Bad Boys" (the theme from Cops) have to do with fireworks, but I'm sure there's an explanation out there somewhere. (Even if it involves a disgruntled employee.)

With my time in Omaha coming to a close, I discovered the following morning that the Days Inn in the city is apparently the preferred lodging for hobbits in the area. The showerhead was situated no higher than the top of my chest. I could handle such an issue, but I soon discovered another problem. It seemed that the hobbits that normally inhabit this room had an issue with hot water. The basic liquid intended to wash me reached a temperature no higher than that of soup that has been sitting out for a day. Before this trip, I knew I was not a morning person, but now I am wondering if mornings are taking offense to this fact. If I ever am run down by a steamroller that has been hijacked by an escaped gorilla, I am sure it will happen in the morning.

A Saturday trip to Kansas City gave me the chance to meet up with my brother and some close friends for the final baseball game of the trip - a battle between the Kansas City Royals and the Oakland A's at "The New" Kauffman Stadium.



While I can be considered a bit of a loner, (or a hermit,) I definitely enjoyed the chance for a little human interaction after days of talking to few ballparkgoers that would pass a sobriety test. I also relished the opportunity to take in the sights at the renovated stadium. It definitely impressed, and I'm looking forward to going there again for the chance to check out new Royals Hall of Fame.

During the game, I discovered one detail about Royals fans that cannot be argued: they're literate. Everytime the stadium video board urged fans to get "louder" or "make some noise" such instructions were followed as if they were military commands. A study of cause-and-effect relationships leads to the conclusion that fans must read the words on the board in order to comprehend them. Therefore, we have literate fans. I think there's a marketing slogan in there somewhere.

Royals ace pitcher Zack Greinke took the mound for the Royals, and while he gave up more runs than he does normally (three... which speaks to how dominant he's been this season), the offense offered a performance very out-of-the-ordinary, scoring 12 runs. An excellent capper to the Road Trip of Derek Larson. The Royals topped the A's 12-6, pushing the Royals organization to a 2-2 record in games viewed by the author. Not too shabby.


With the trip now in the rear view mirror (figuratively and literally, in a figurative sort of way), I am not sure I could have picked a better agenda for this vacation. I got to see plenty of baseball, watch some upcoming prospects, view a lot of scenery along the open road, encounter a variety of people, and absorb plenty of material for The Writings. There's just one thing to do now... Figure out where the Second-Annual Road Trip of Derek Larson will take me.

Tales from the Road - Days 1 and 2

Ahh, vacation. If only it could come along more often. It gives one the chance to escape the incessant drone of everyday normalcy. It gives one the chance to hit the road and see new things. It gives one the chance to be unexpectedly awoken at 5 a.m. and be instilled with a momentary fear that their life will end in Arkansas... but, I'm getting ahead of myself.

The inaugural Road Trip of Derek Larson kicked off Tuesday morning. Unforeseen circumstances (e.g., the need for a pair of new tires. Nothing like shelling out cash before you even approach any road the trip involves.), pushed departure time back a couple of hours, but I soon found myself heading southeast, like a migratory bird whose inner compass is slightly askew.

After venturing through thriving metropolises (metropoli?) like Gas, Kan.*, and (insert indistinct town name here), Mo., I arrived in Springdale, Ark.

*Pun not originally intended, but the author chuckled upon realization.

As one who enjoys the finer things in life.. such as television and flim, I have noticed that Arkansas is oft characterized as a state full of southern yokels who might be as likely to marry a pig as they would be to bathe. I fully expected this erroneous depiction to be rendered moot right away. Unfortunately, the man at the hotel counter chose to fuel the fire.

How so?

Let's just say the moon was bright in the Holiday Inn.

That's right, when I strolled into the hotel, the first thing I was greeted by was the sight of a large man bent at the waist so he could lean on the check-in counter, with his pants drooping a quarter of the way down his backside... Welcome to Arkansas, Derek.*

*While this story is true, most folks I encountered in Arkansas were very nice folks. I'd also like to stress that I saw no one married to a pig. 

After Arkansas' Grand Canyon made his exit, I booked a room and that was that... Well sort of. This would normally be a rather mundane portion of the trip, but the guy working the check-in counter sounded identical to Jonah Hill, of Superbad (and other movies) fame. He also looked a bit like him, which made the situation even more eerie. I nearly asked him to say a line from one of his movies, but my better judgment won out. (Lousy brain.)

After some unwinding at the hotel, it was off to Arvest Field, to witness my first minor league baseball game. In post-game wrap fashion, we'll hit the highlights...

As I approached the stadium, I was greeted by the Arkansas branch of the Scottish National Guard. While I may have misidentified these gentlemen, their music was, well, bagpipey. Unfortunately, because I grew up watching professional wrestling, I paused for a bit waiting for Rowdy Roddy Piper to make an entrance. He never showed up.

Once inside, I strolled around the concourse to check things out. There was an autograph booth set up, with no line whatsoever. Like an eight-year-old at his first ballgame, I soon found myself asking two guys (both younger than me) for their autographs, even though I did not recognize their names. Afterward, I grabbed a hotdog and a soda (total price - waaaay more than they were worth. It seems that major league food prices still apply in minor league parks.), and found a picnic table in the shade to eat a bit. During this time, the folks controlling the pregame music decided it would be a good idea to play Eiffel 65's "I'm Blue." At this point I found myself trying to decide whether it was done on a bet, or if the "DJ" had enjoyed a few pregame drinks. I'm still not sure what was going on.



After eating, I reluctantly left the comfort of the shade to find my seat. I discovered one big positive about minor league baseball - excellent seats for low cost. The above picture was taken from the comfort of seat 16 in row D. Unfortunately, that line of shade was still 30 minutes away at this point.

For those interested in the actual baseball aspect of this experience, the game featured the Northwest Arkansas Naturals (the Kansas City Royals' AA affiliate) and the Tulsa Drillers (the Colorado Rockies' AA affiliate). Sitting four rows back from the field with my Royals cap on, I figured I might encounter others sporting something similar. I figured wrong. I spotted no other fans wearing any sort of gear promoting the big league club. In fact, I only spotted two other people in the stadium wearing anything relating to Major League Baseball at all. One was wearing a Ryne Sandberg Cubs jersey, the other donned a Vernon Wells Blue Jays t-shirt. I hope to one day figure out how fan gear of a Hall of Famer who retired 12 years ago and a guy who plays in Canada relates to that particular contest in Springdale... Some day.

As the game progressed, I was reminded that some baseball terminology is easier to decipher than others. This reminder was generously provided by the absolutely clueless woman sitting directly behind me. Perhaps the baseball geek that often fuels my thinking is the only one that would notice this, but she incorrectly used the phrase "1-2-3 inning" twice in a three-inning span. For those that might be unaware, a "1-2-3 inning" is a half-inning in which all three outs are recorded in consecutive fashion. No hits. No walks. No catcher interference. Nothing but outs. This vocal fan, who seemed to always make sure all around were listening to her, deemed one inning that of the 1-2-3 variety, despite the fact that only two outs had been recorded. A couple innings later, she pulled the phrase out again, even though a hitter had singled earlier and had been standing on first base - just 20 yards away from her, for a few minutes. The situation served as a strong reminder that one should only speak knowledgeably of a subject if they actually are knowledgeable of said subject.*

*Editor's note: The author has been reminded that he often uses this very space to write about subjects he knows virtually nothing about. Forgive him. He's a little slow.

As the game carried on, I noticed that I was the only - ONLY - individual seated in my entire row. Granted, the ballpark certainly wasn't full, but this seemed excessive. There were 18 seats, but just one seat filler. That situation dissolved when a quartet of guys arrived a few minutes. These four, who all appeared to be around 30 and were downing beers like the keg was almost empty, seemed to have their pick of seats in my section. They chose my row, which was fine. They chose my end of the row, which was fine. They chose the four seats directly to my right. This was a bit odd. I seached the depths of my mind in attempt to think of a situation where I might have invited four heavy drinkers to come to the ballgame with me. The search drew no results.

For the next few innings, I was "treated" to their "side-splitting jokes" and "hilarious mockery" of the opposing first base coach... Okay, enough of the sarcasm, these guys were basically the baseball fan versions of any obnoxious drunk you may have ever encountered. Their "jokes" consisted of little more than talking about how the first base coach was not in the coach's box (although they laughed like the Full House laugh track every time it was mentioned), and their taunting of the coach did not turn out so well. You see, Tulsa's first base coach was also the hitting coach, and the Drillers scored 11 runs on 16 hits. Advantage: coach.

The sudsy crew left before the end of the game, as did most other fans. Before they left I caught a t-shirt thrown by Strike the Naturals' mascot, despite the fact that Norm (made up name for inebriated individual next to me) was draped over me like an NFL defensive back. At this point I did a touchdown dance, shoved the shirt in his face, and told him to bring his 'A' game next time... In reality, I listened to his slurred ramblings, showed him the shirt he almost had, and sat back down to continue keeping score. Sorry, readers who enjoy personal conflict, I'm mild-mannered.



The picture above tells the story. One game on The Road Trip of Derek Larson down, one Royals-affiliated loss witnessed. Nevertheless, there were a few players I was impressed with. If I had to pick four names of players to keep an eye out for in years to come, I'd say David Lough (centerfielder), Jarrod Dyson (leftfielder), Jeff Bianchi (shortstop), and Juan Abreau (relief pitcher, hit 96 on the radar gun).

Back at the hotel, I soon felt like I was losing another battle. I discovered that my lodging place of choice did not feature free Internet access or a free breakfast for the following morning, and the pillows on my bed were thicker than most couch cushions. When lying in bed, I felt as if my neck was being contorted in impossible ways.

Luckily*, I didn't have to deal with these substandard conditions for long. At 5:08 a.m. the next morning, I awoke to the sound of an alarm the likes of which one hears on television when some sort of secure goverment facility has been infiltrated by evil-doers. Thanks to a working knowledge of the television show '24', I realized that nothing good comes about when CTU security is breached, so I had little chance to survive at a Holiday Inn. I listened to the voice accompanying the alarm instructing all to head downstairs via the stairway, got dressed in rattled fashion, grabbed a couple belongings, and took off for the lobby. 

*Is luckily the right word?

In the lobby, I encountered a bevy of other hotel occupants looking as disheveled as I was. What was the emergency? Who had broken in? Where was the fire? The questions were tossed about. The answer was that it all was well. While it was a relief to hear, it was also a bit disturbing to hear the hotel employee refer to the false alarm situation as something that happens "periodically."

Pardon? Full moons happen periodically. False alarms in a hotel that instill all staying there with a sense of unrest at an early hour should not. 

Now awake a full three hours earlier than I had originally planned, I chose to embrace opportunity and hit the road.

Planned as a rather uneventful travel day, after the morning's surprise, this day reverted to the uneventful route as I rolled out of Arkansas, all the way across Missouri and into Illinois. The highlights:

- When ordering a CroisSonic sandwich and a cherry Sprite for breakfast at Sonic, the communications specialist on the other end of my order decided it would be a good idea to ask if I would like mozzerella sticks, as well. Hmmm... deep fried cheese first thing in the morning. Tempting, but I had to pass.



-Prior to this trip, I had no idea that there was a city called Mexico in Missouri. Having never been to Mexico (aside from the "New" version of it), I had stop in. Erring on the side of caution, I chose not to drink the water.

- I discovered that western Illinois has some of the worst highways I have ever encountered. The state of their roadways is downright shabby. You know the feeling when you are clinking along as you climb the initial slope of a roller coaster? That's similar to the bumpy sensation I encountered on several highways in the western part of the state.


Two days, and nearly 2,000 words later, it's time for bed. Here's hoping morning arrives a bit later tomorrow.

Copyright Derek D. Larson

So Long, Suspense

If you, as a reader of The Writings, know one thing about me, as the author, it is that I love suspense.*

*Please note: This isn't really true at all, but it sets things up nicely for the rest of this Writing. It seems I am willingly to make things up in order to have a fitting lead. That's a quality people look for in a writer, right?... Right?

The fact is, updates here at The Writings have been few this summer because I have embracing suspense.*

*It also seems that I am willing to openly lie in this Writing. After all, the lack of blog updates this summer has had far less to do with suspense than with a busy schedule mixed with a dose of laziness. Oh well, let's see where lies and deceit get us.

You see, on June 29, the author used this very blog to announce an upcoming roadtrip and to seek advice for possible destinations. Over a month later, that post has drawn a ridiculous amount of feedback*, and people everywhere have impatiently waited to find out just where this roadtrip would take me*.

*Lies. A few people gave suggestions, either in print or in person, but they may very well be trying to get me to leave and never return.

**More lies. On the big list of things people are concerned with, "Derek's Roadtrip Plans" fall just after "establishing a book club for homeless snails."

Well, faithful readers, wait no more. The roadtrip has been determined, and it is one with a theme. I'll be seeing four baseball games in five days, witnessing four levels of the Kansas City Royals' organization (A, AA, AAA, and the big league club) along the way. That's right, four ballgames in five days, and every one of them related to the Royals. It seems the theme of this trip is rather self explanatory.

I'm a glutton for punishment.

I kid. The great thing about baseball is that there's always hope.*

*Disclaimer: This does not apply if your starting rotation features Mark Redman, Scott Elarton, and Odalis Perez.

Road trip plans involve a lot of baseball, a lot more driving, and some opportunities to note all the wonder one might encounter when traveling through Kansas, Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, and Nebraska.*

*Hello, excitement.

Low Blow

I had a great lead for this Writing. I really did... Unfortunately, the Royals' bullpen blew it in the eighth inning.

Ouch.

I'm sorry Royals. I really am, but nine-game losing streaks fueled by a bullpen that looks as reliable as a Sorny television make optimism difficult, even for those who at one time convinced themselves that Calvin Pickering could be a legit power hitter.  Alas, with recent baseball games serving as little more than opportunities to express unnecessary anger, it's probably best that we avoid this subject for the time being. More regular updates will come in the future. This is my promise to you, dear reader.

Home Field Advantage?

It's the bottom of the seventh inning in Cleveland, and a flock of seagulls is attempting to take Progressive Field by force. (To avoid any confusion, please note that I speak of an actual flock of seagulls, not the 80s rock band of that name... Although that would infinitely more terrifying.) As the Royals move close to winning (yes, I said winning) in Cleveland, these sea birds are gathering in the outfield like it's some sort of garbage barge. (There you go, Cleveland. If you choose to change the name of your stadium, you can always use Garbage Barge Field. I won't even need credit for it.)

These birds, it seems, enjoy flirting with disaster. Haven't they seen what can happen to the feathered sort on a baseball field?

As they flap, swoop, and do whatever else seagulls do (I have seen no evidence of defecation, but there was a woman wearing a game program on her head... Draw your own conclusions.), I have begun to wonder if someone from the Indians organization may have lured them to the field with the purpose of providing a little extra advantage for the home team. Much like the Red Sox gain an advantage by learning the best ways to field hits off the Green Monster, the Indians could be working on studying trajectories of hits that deflect of winged creatures. It makes perfect sense.

If such is the case, and the Indians (aside from tonight... and most other nights this season, since they now have the worst record in the American League... just ignore such "facts" as they really put a crimp in this hypothetical situation) are earning a competitive advantage by luring seagulls to their ballpark, I think it's only fair that other MLB teams have an opportunity to follow suit. Imagine if, instead of seagulls, the Yankees and Mets were able to lure hordes of angry New Yorkers down onto the field to push and curse at opposing players. What if the Detroit Tigers could take cars from area motor plants and allow them to be test driven in the Comerica Park outfield. The Milwaukee Brewers have beer vendors patrol the opposing dugout in attempt to get the opposing players and manager inebriated by the fifth inning, and the Arizona Diamondbacks could embrace their desert locale, planting cacti in the infield and allowing desert wildlife - from rattlesnakes to coyotes - to have free reign on the field. Such changes could even attract a few more fans to the game, as the very fact that you recognize the name Steve-o gives great credence to the idea that people enjoy watching others hurt themselves.

The question remains, with ideas for other franchises, what would I suggest the Royals do to increase their home field advantage? Could they offer free barbecue to any opposing player that commits an error? Should they move the fountains from beyond the outfield walls to the actual playing field so that tracking a fly ball is like a trip to Oceans of Fun? Maybe they could play the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Video on the monstrous video screen in centerfield as the opposing team bats.

My suggestion? How about we start with a shortstop that can hit.

Too far-fetched?

Did you know? - The Royals Draft Edition

We are just one week away from the MLB First-Year Player Draft. Widely viewed as the biggest crapshoot among drafts of major sports, the MLB Draft is never an easy one to predict. As a result, and because I my record with predictions might be worse than the Washington Generals' record against the Harlem Globetrotters, I will make no predictions concerning next week's draft. Instead, I'll allow you to soak in the following tidbits concerning this annual event as it relates to the team I root for through thick and (most often) thin, the Kansas City Royals.

- In 1979, the Royals drafted a pair of Hall of Famers. Unfortunately for the Royals, both would bypass the diamond for glory on the gridiron. Kansas City drafted Dan Marino in the second round and John Elway in the 18th.

- Over the history of the franchise, the Royals have drafted two more Hall of Fame quarterbacks than the Chiefs.

- In 1982, the Royals drafted a first baseman that would go on to appear in six All Star games and win an MVP award in 1989. Unfortunately, Will "The Thrill" Clark chose not to sign with Kansas City and attend Mississippi State University instead.

- Bret Saberhagen, who would go on to win a pair of Cy Young Awards for KC, was actually the Royals' 19th pick in 1982. Picked ahead of Saberhagen were household names like Joe Szekely, Mark Pirruccello and Darren Sturdivant.

- 1985 was an historic year for the Royals, as they won the franchise's only World Series title. Though he would not sign, they also drafted Deion Sanders in the sixth round of the draft. The following year, they drafted Bo Jackson in the fourth round... It seems the Royals' front office should have been drafting for the Chiefs in the 80s.

- In 60 rounds of the 1989 draft, the Royals drafted exactly four players that actually played in the Major Leagues. Only two played for Kansas City.

- In 1994, KC drafted 10 players that reached the big leagues. The best was a pitcher named Jose Rosado that was a two-time All Star before his career fell apart due to injuries. No. 2 on that list would probably be Matt Treanor. Unfortunately for the Royals, the reason you recognize that name is probably because of his wife.

- In 2000, the Royals had the No. 4 overall pick. They drafted a pitcher named Mike Stodolka. He never pitched in the majors, and was actually last seen playing first base in the minor leagues. Philadelphia drafted three-time All Star Chase Utley 11 picks later.

Pretty Nice Little Saturday

To paraphrase an insightful man called "Frank the Tank," I'm in the midst of a "pretty nice little Saturday." Granted, Home Depot and Bed, Bath and Beyond have not been (and will not be) prominently involved, but I am doing my best to make the most of a beautiful day. In other words, I'm planted on my sofa in front of my television watching any sports I can find. If you are concerned that I'm not outdoors on a 70-degree day, don't fret... I have my apartment windows wide open in effort to bring the outdoors to me.

I started off the day by running out to get a (much needed) haircut, and to pick up some (very much needed) allergy medication. Now, with my head no longer resembling an unkempt Chia Pet, my throat no longer feeling as if I swallowed a prickly pear, and my nasal cavities no longer imitating faulty showerheads, this Saturday can truly be enjoyed. What's ahead? How about four games in the NBA playoffs, at least two baseball games, and even a spring football game (which I have no interest in, but, hey, it's football). With me each dribble, pitch, and snap of the way will be my trusty laptop. It's true, it doesn't laugh at any of my self-proclaimed quick-witted remarks, but there's a good chance that no one else would either. (Plus, my computer can't raise an eyebrow or roll its eyes.)

Join us, won't you, for an afternoon/evening taking in all that this Saturday has to offer.*

*That is, if you like sports, eating nothing but junk, and rarely moving from the groove your posterior has created in your couch.

- Next time you're watching a televised basketball game, pay particular attention when the game's commentators are shown on screen as they spit out conversation (normally lacking much insight) on press row. Watch the fans in the seats directly behind these announcers. Now count how many of them wave at the camera, crane their necks to see themselves on the TV monitor, jab their friends to show them that they're also on TV, or perform any other action indicating their excitement about being seen on television. You may want to be ready to make tally marks, because there will be a lot of them. Maybe it's the side of me filled with social anxiety, but I cannot figure out why people would be so excited to be on TV. Sure, there are plenty of famous people on television, but the fact that you show up on screen for 3.3 seconds and celebrate the occasion by waving your arms like you're trying to signal a rescue plane does not mean that you'll soon have your own talk show. It happens so often, that it almost seems like a Pavolnian response that people have developed when encountered with video cameras. I will not be surprised to see shoppers waving madly at store security cameras or random strangers flashing peace signs in the background of someone's home video in the future. What these folks need to realize is that being on TV isn't that great. Just ask this guy.

- Boston Celtic's forward Paul Pierce could have clinched a victory for his squad over the Chicago Bulls by sinking one final free throw with one second left in regulation. He clanked it off the rim. Pierce is a former Kansas Jayhawk, so that event brought forth a bit of glee in my "faithful to our colors" heart.

- Unfortunately, while Pierce is a star for the Celtics, another former KU player, Kirk Heinrich, plays significant minutes for the Bulls. I'm trying to figure out whether there's a way that both these teams could lose. Perhaps a double-disqualification could occur, like when Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant battled in the WWF Championship tournament at Wrestlemana IV.* Somebody better start swinging folding chairs.

*This bit of pro wrestling trivia brought to you by the I Need New Hobbies Foundation.

- In Cleveland, the Cavaliers are facing the Detroit Pistons in the first round of the NBA Playoffs. You know the look a person gets on his or her face when they know they have screwed up and they're just waiting for punishment? That is similar to how the Pistons look every time LeBron James touches the basketball. The kid, (he's still only 24) came into the NBA straight from high school in 2003 and had one of the greatest rookie seasons ever. Somehow, he's found a way to improve in each of the six seasons since. Currently, the guy who is built like a power forward, runs the floor like a point guard, and jumps like he was imported straight from NBA Jam is the most difficult matchup in basketball. Just ask Tayshaun Prince, one of the NBA's top defenders, whom was just torched for 22 points in one half by LeBron.

- The Snickers commercial featuring Patrick chEwing is excellent... and by "excellent," what I mean to say is that it features one of the worst stunt-doubles in recorded history. When you first see Mr. Ewing, his 7-foot frame is looking extra large in its retired form, as if he's taken over for Adam Richman on Man v. Food. Nevertheless, when Ewing/chEwing goes up for the slam, the dunker appears to be missing about eight inches of his height and 100 pounds off his frame. I thought the camera was supposed to add 10 lbs.

- Someday, when I compose my list of the 10 or 25 or100 (I'm still determining the number) people I would least want angry with me, Chicago Cubs' manager Lou Pinella will be on that list. I mention this because he just yanked a relief pitcher that walked two consecutive batters without tossing a strike. I knew there was a reason that I'm not a Major League pitcher.* Also included on the "Please, Don't Yell at Me" list will be: Frank Martin, Bob Knight, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Joker (I don't like pencil tricks), and Darth Vader.

*Another reason is a severe lack of talent.

- It's time to test your short-term memory. Remember that look that LeBron's defenders get on their faces? You know, the "oh crap, this won't end well" look? Well, batters who face Kansas City's Zack Greinke have been stricken with the same expression lately. Greinke enters tonight's game with a 0.00 earned run average, and so far this season his pitches have been dodging bats like a nimble spelunker.

- We end the night with Greinke finishing off a complete game shutout of the Texas Rangers, fanning 10 batters along the way. The Royals are first in the AL Central and Greinke looks like one of the best pitchers in the game... That's a pretty nice little Saturday.

What rhymes with Ichiro?

Well, after submitting a poem about The Office in a call for content on Associated Content, I'm feel like keeping this whole "thinking in verse" thing going. (Seriously, the rhymes are flowing.) The question is, what can I spit some rhymes* about? (Most likely a topic without much clout.) Faithful readers will attest that my baseball fanaticism may be taken further than it should be. (Faithful readers? That may be just me.) They'll also tell you that I enjoy making horrendous predictions that don't have a Hershey's-at-fat-camp chance of coming true. (If by this you're offended, please don't sue.) Stir all these details in a pot and you get the inaugural edition of "The Writings Opening Day Poetry Jam"... I mean it. (Anybody want a peanut?)**

*Note to self: The phrase "spit some rhymes" may work well for rappers making millions of dollars, but it doesn't quite fit for a mid-western writer whose stanzas rival those submitted in 10th-grade English classes. Drop it.

**Thank you to the genius writers of The Princess Bride for this last rhyme, along with the general premise of that entire paragraph. Sorry to those same genius writers for butchering their shtick.


National League East
Meet the Mets, Meet the Mets,
It's guaranteed someone will defeat Mets;
They choked away divisional leads each of the last two seasons,
They addressed their bullpen in the offseason, thinking relievers were the reasons.
I apologize to those in Queens, but this is how I call it,
The fellas in Philly will win it again, despite your enormous wallet.
Alas, Met fans, don't go thinking that your poor franchise is cursed,
You'll make the playoffs as the Wild Card, giving you a few more games before your bubble bursts.

National League Central
It seems that last year, for no good reason,
I picked against the Cubs;
I wrote them off and picked the Astros,
basically considering the Cubbies schlubs.
2009 is a new year,
a time for setting things right;
This season, the Cubs are my pick in the Central,
instead of choosing someone else out of spite.
Fueled by Soriano, their lineup is strong,
And their pitching staff can turn a few heads;
However the main reason I picked them,
is because I could not convince myself to pick the Reds.

National League West
"Manny being Manny." Wow, that refrain will never stop,
I can't stand he or the Dodgers, so I hope they're a flop.
The Rockies dumped their best player, and the Giants' lineup is a joke,
The Padres remind me of a AAA squad, (I could also cite some Royals' teams whose memories they evoke)
Just one team remains, and it's one that won't make traffic halt,
Arizona wins by two sweet words, as Homer Simpson would say "de fault."

American League East
If you're a bird in the AL East, you're pretty much out of luck,
The Blue Jays and Orioles stand no chance, some might say they're... in trouble*
The Rays, the Yankees, and the Sox, which one will it be?
Here's a vote for the Red Sox to take it, with the Rays getting the Wild Card seed.
But what about the Yankees, and their personal stimulus plan?
They'll serve as models for the rest of the league, in determining which stimulants to ban.

*This edit brought to you by the Censor's Association of America.

American League Central
The Royals... No, I can't.
The Royals... Wait, I won't.
Unbridled optimism tells me to pick them,
but the fact that I'm horrible with predictions tells me "don't!"
They have a legitimate shot,
there's no standout in the group,
but I fear that the moment I pick them,
to unbelievable depths they'll stoop.
Injuries could strike, the pitching could falter,
Alex Gordon could get the bird flu,
What the heck, who am I trying to kid by picking anyone different?
KC wins the division by two.

American League West
Nothing much here, the Angels will win,
you see, the rest of the division is McLovin thin.
There's really not much else to say, though there's space to fill,
I thought about attempting to rhyme "Ichiro," but that seems to be an unclimbable hill.

Playoffs
Eight teams will have a chance at the World Series,
but only two will succeed,
We'll begin by eliminating the Diamondbacks,
They have a few too many areas of need.
Alas, the Royals don't make the cut,
So they're crossed off the list,
You can also say goodbye to the Angels,
although Danny Glover will be missed.
I don't see the Phillies making a return,
so that cuts us down to four,
Cubs vs. Mets and Red Sox vs. Rays,
what do the league championships have in store?
The young Rays are a year older and wiser,
they'll drop the Red Sox in six;
Meanwhile the Cubbies will finally return to the Series,
causing much joy near ivy covered bricks.
The Rays were part of Major League expansion,
just 11 years ago;
While the Chicago club has seen three different centuries and 27 presidents,
and enough bad luck to make the Washington Generals say "whoa."
Is this the year? Could this be it?
Will the Cubs finally be champs again?
Not if Upton, Longoria and crew have their say,
Look for the Rays to win.

Reader's Guide to the 2009 Royals - Part 2

After a brief intermission to delve into the world of foolish ways to waste money, we're back with the second part of the Readers' Guide to the 2009 Royals. Can this sequel, and examination of KC's pitching corps, live up to the near mythical* level reached by the first? Read on to find out.

*Editor's note: In this case, "mythical" is used to relay the fact that a large number of people do not know, nor care, whether this even existed.


Zack Greinke - The most promising pitcher on KC's staff, Greinke is kind of like the Willy Wonka of baseball. (I realize that this sounds a bit nutty (pun semi-intended), but hear me out) Much in the same way Wonka closed his successful chocolate factory after suspecting that spies were stealing his recipes, Greinke shut down his baseball career in 2006. He had been a 20-year-old phenom in 2004, finishing fourth in American League Rookie of the Year voting, but 2005 was not so kind. Greinke led the AL in losses with 17 and allowed more hits than the first few opponents on Mike Tyson's Punch Out. During spring training in 2006, Greinke left the team. (Although not because he thought spies were stealing his chocolate bar recipes.) Greinke's future with the team was uncertain until he chose to begin playing baseball again with the Royals AA minor-league squad. He pitched out of the bullpen for much of 2007, but returned to top form last season. (For the purposes of this lengthy stretch of a comparison, one might say he "re-opened the factory.")

In one last ditch effort to defend my Greinke-Wonka comparison, you can be sure that they're both interesting quotes.

Gil Meche - Meche signed a five-year deal with Kansas City worth $55 million in December 2006. The deal was lambasted for much of the next five months. It was dogged as one of the worst in baseball... Until people realized that he's actually a pretty good pitcher. Meche, and All-Star in 2007, led the Royals to a win over the Red Sox in his first contest wearing Royal blue and has been a solid part of the rotation since then.

Brian Bannister - A thinking man's pitcher, Bannister has become known as a hurler who pays much attention the stats behind the stats. How often does he give up a hit when he has a count of no balls and two strikes against a batter? Which of his pitches gets tagged for home runs the most often? Bannister probably knows it. It's rare for a pitcher to pay attention to these details and his results have been mixed. As a rookie, he won 12 games and had an earned run average (ERA) of just 3.87. (meaning he would allow 3.87 earned runs if he pitched nine innings in a game... You should see how a team scores 87/100 of a run. It's crazy.) Alas, last year, Bannister's ERA ballooned to 5.76.

No matter how Bannister pitches, it's kind of a given that the Royals got the better end of the trade that brought him to KC. Why? Because this is the guy they gave up. Go Banny!

Kyle Davies - According to www.baseballreference.com, the pitcher most similar to Davies is Runelvys Hernandez, a former Royal who started a seemingly promising career in 2002. (It seemed promising enough that a certain Writings author purchased his autograph off eBay, thinking it might be a good investment.) Hernandez proceeded to essentially eat his way out of the majors. (Once listed at 205 lbs., he's now listed at 250 lbs.) But I digress. Davies finished 2008 with a very strong September and could play a key role in KC's rotation in 2009. Also, his actual first name is Hiram. Don't you have to root for someone named Hiram?

Luke Hochevar - The No. 1 overall pick in the 2006 draft, Hochevar is an interesting case because it's hard to figure out who decided to draft him. Former general manager Allard Baird was out the door by the draft, but Dayton Moore - hired just days earlier - did not provide input on the draft. One might not worry about pointing fingers, but the 2008 AL Rookie of the Year Evan Longoria and the 2008 NL Cy Young Award winner Tim Lincecum were both selected within the next nine picks. Sour grapes aside, Hochevar will compete for a spot in KC's starting rotation in 2009, but could also figure into the bullpen puzzle.

Horacio Ramirez - An apparent fan of barbecue, Ramirez played in Kansas City from May-August in 2008, before being traded to the Chicago White Sox. A free agent after the season, Ramirez signed back with the Royals over the off-season. I'm sure it had to be the KC barbecue that brought him back... It certainly would not have had anything to do with the $1.9 million they offered. This southpaw (left-hander for those who might be clueless when it comes to directionally inspired monikers) is expected to compete for a spot in the starting rotation.

Joakim Soria - The owner of the best nickname on the club, the "Mexicutioner" has become one of the top closers in baseball over the last two seasons. His 42 saves ranked second in the AL in 2008. He is also doing his part to bring back the Abe Lincoln-style beard.

Kyle Farnsworth - In what seems to be a case of "even if you can beat 'em, join 'em," Farnsworth signed with KC this off-season. Royals fans might remember Farnsworth as the Tigers' pitcher that went Hulk Hogan on then-Royal Jeremy Affeldt, slamming him to the ground in the midst of a bench-clearing brawl. Despite the fact that advanced numbers seem to show that Farnsworth is an average pitcher, the Royals signed him to a two-year, $9 million deal. I guess good fighters aren't easy to come by.

Ron Mahay - Often, it seems difficult to find much to say about middle relievers. Much like baseball umpires, if they're effective, they're often unnoticed. If they struggle, they're deemed worthless. Mahay is an effective middle reliever. He's also been an extra on a soap opera, according to his Wikipedia page. Either someone out there has entirely too much time and is updating Ron Mahay's page with erroneous information, or we've got ourselves a bit of Hollywood on the KC roster.

Jimmy Gobble - Gobble set a rather dubious team record in 2008, allowing 10 runs in a single inning. He also ended up with a cactus needle stuck in a big toe while in Arizona for spring training 2008. Overall, those two events alone make up for a pretty rough year. Here's hoping 2009 is more like 2007 for this lefty, when he put up a 3.02 ERA.

Doug Waechter - Waechter is yet another player new to the Royals in 2009. New enough that I know extremely little about him.... Crap... (*pulling up Wikipedia*) He played for the Albuquerque Isotopes, a minor league team whose name came direct out of The Simpsons lore. I cannot find any qualms with that. Nevertheless, a decision on whether he is a pitcher or a belly-itcher is currently not available.

Robinson Tejeda - The Royals picked him up mid-season in 2008 and Tejeda exceeded the expectations anyone may have had for him. He could potentially be the second-best reliever in the bullpen.

John Bale - Bale broke his pitching hand last season when he punched a hotel door. I suppose he has Farnsworth's back should any inanimate objects team up with opposing players in a brawl.


With that, you have your 2009 Royals. Now clear your calendar because spring training games begin on Wednesday. (That's "today" for some.)

Readers Guide to the 2009 Royals - Part 1

Although the calendar may not support this statement, Spring is finally here... Well, according to Major League Baseball anyway. Spring Training for all 30 Major League Baseball teams started this week, and with it comes a period of unbridled optimism at The Writings base of operations (i.e., a couch that has its natural floral design discreetly hidden by a slipcover from Target... The Writings: We're all business). With a slate of 162 regular season games approaching, it's an annual tradition for me to get my hopes up about "my team" the Kansas City Royals around this time of year... Unfortunately, in the past it has often been an annual tradition to realize how feeble my hopes were around the end of May each year.

Nevertheless, the Royals have shown improvement as of late, and could potentially be a contender in their division this season - something that hasn't happened since a near-miraculous 2003 season. Do you think "near-miraculous is overstating things? Tony Pena was Manager of the Year. Think again.

I realize that at least a portion of the readership of The Writings doesn't really give a fistful of sunflower seeds about baseball.* You're the same folks who are wondering who the heck Tony Pena is right now and wondering what that statement was even supposed to mean. Alas, this poses a problem. You see, I like baseball. Odds are, I will feel the urge to write about baseball at times during the upcoming season. As a result, I need you to at least develop a passing interest in (or at least a tolerance for) baseball. Otherwise, those baseball posts will go unread, and what's a blog without readers? (If you said, "The Writings," you're close... and a smartass.)

*I also realize it's a pretty big stretch to say The Writings has a "readership" at all. Please, don't hold my delusions against me.

In effort to familiarize you with the names you may be reading later on this year, we're doing a quick (ha, yeah right) rundown of several members of the 2009 Royals. In Part 1 we're covering position players; Part 2 will be pitchers; Part 3 may involve mascots and snack vendors. (Note: Forget you ever heard about Part 3.) Read the list of Royals, commit it to memory, and embrace them as your own. (Or at least pretend to read it while contemplating how many bottlecaps you could balance on your "all the way home" toe, I'll never know the difference.)

Miguel Olivo - A catcher who signed with KC in 2007, Olivo once - as a member of the Florida Marlins - charged a runner that was standing on third base. Olivo took a big swing at the runner, but failed to connect. The same could often be said of Olivo in the batter's box, as he hit 12 home runs last season, but struck out 82 times.

John Buck - The second half of the Royals' catching duo, Buck was part of the trade that saw Carlos Beltran shipped to the Houston Astros in 2004. Not to be outdone by Olivo, Buck has also been involved in fisticuffs at the ballpark. However, Buck took things to another level, sparring with Runelvys Hernandez - the very pitcher that was tossing to him that game.

Mike Jacobs - A slugger in the truest sense, this first baseman hit 32 home runs for Florida last season. He came to KC via trade and is expected to barrage the Kauffman Stadium fountains with a number of batted balls the stadium walls cannot contain. Unfortunately, the term "slugger" does not say much about defense.

Billy Butler - A 22-year-old who has put up remarkable hitting numbers at every level he's played at, one thing Billy hasn't been able to do is find a position. He was drafted as a third baseman, but later moved to the outfield. After some adventures in the land of fly balls, he moved to first base, where he'll play in 2009 (unless he's in the designated hitter spot). The 6-1, 240-pounder has reportedly shown up at Spring Training in the best shape of his young life.

Ross Gload - Mention his name to a Royals fan and, odds are, the word "grit" might come up. For better or for worse, Gload is a gritty player. The type who may not have the most talent, but will be caked in dirt before the game starts and will play wherever you ask him to... Unfortunately, when worded like that, "grit" also seems to describe an old little league teammate of mine that would sit down in the outfield during games and play with the grass.
 
Willie Bloomquist - When signed this past offseason, it seemed Bloomquist - who has played seven of the nine positions on the diamond in his seven-year career - was being brought in as a sort of "supersub" (please note: supersub does not refer to any sort of aquatic vehicle piloted by Superman); as a player to back up all positions. As the season nears, it sounds as if he has a legitimate shot at being the starting second baseman. He's a slick fielder, but has about as much power as an electric toothbrush. Need evidence? He had exactly one more extra-base hit last season than my six-month-old niece.

Alex Gordon - This former Cornhusker came to Kansas City expected to be the "real deal," the "next big thing," and just about every other cliche that refers to something with grand expectations. While Gordon has not ascended to an All-Star caliber level yet, he's shown flashes of such talent. If Kansas City is to become a contender in the future, Gordon is expected to be a big part of that improvement.  

Mike Aviles - The Royals' 2008 Player of the Year, Aviles didn't even make his debut until the end of May. After going 0-3 in his first game, Aviles didn't even see the field again until seven games later. Fortunately for Aviles (and for Royals fans tired of seeing Tony Pena, Jr.'s feeble attempts at swinging the bat) he took control of the starting shortstop job from that point on. Aviles finished fourth in American League Rookie of the Year voting.

David DeJesus - The resident heartthrob for at least one Royals tolerater I know, DeJesus is moving to left field full-time this season after playing centerfield for much of his career. DeJesus is kind of the anti-box of chocolates of the Royals, in that you can be fairly sure of what you're going to get: solid defense, a batting average hovering around .300, and decent run production.

Coco Crisp - The Royal whose name you might expect to see on a cereal box came to Kansas City via trade this offseason. Regarded as an excellent defensive outfielder, Crisp will man centerfield for the Royals and is expected to bat leadoff. Whether or not he'll consider changing his last name to "Cola" is anyone's guess. (You knew some sort of horrible joke playing off his name was coming, but did you expect that one? The Writings: We take pride in cringe-worthy attempts at humor.)

Jose Guillen - While the word "journeyman" may be overused in sports, it fits Guillen like a floppy foam finger. In his 12-year career, Guillen has played for nine different teams. His bat can be a difference-maker when he's hot at the plate (hitting well... this has nothing to do with food lust), but his attitude can be a detriment. Last season, Guillen nearly came to blows with a fan in his home stadium. What this fan may not have been aware of is Guillen's toughness, which is well illustrated by this recent event.

Mark Teahen - The "I can't because I'm going to my grandma's funeral" of baseball, Teahen has been tried about everywhere. He came to KC via the Beltran trade as a third baseman, moved to right field with the arrival of Gordon, left field with the arrival of Guillen, and has also seen time at first base and centerfield. Naturally, this spring he's getting a shot at second base. It may only be a matter of time before he's working as team trainer and part-time color commentator.


Keep an eye out for Part 2... The Pitchers

(insert dramatic musical theme of choice here...)