Last night, the Kansas City Royals picked up as many hits (0) in their game against the Boston Red Sox as I did. Today, I found myself visiting both the dentist's office and the doctor's office. Believe it or not, all three of these happenings fall significantly short of my "Big List of Anticipated Events" (available at a liststore near you!). This line of thinking put my mind into action. If I were compiling a list of the places I enjoy being less than all others, where might these fall? Naturally, the only course of action left for me to take was to do just that.
What follows is a list of the nine locations that make me feel less comfortable than a hog on a spit. (Why nine? Because ten gets all the glory.)
9. Trendy clothing stores
A dose of breaking news here at The Writings: I'm not trendy. I don't dig wearing plaid shorts or several layers of collared shirts. Cool points be damned, setting foot in such places makes me feel like a Jenga block trying to be forced into a jigsaw puzzle.
8. Talking to the person that won't let conversations end
It's happened to all of us. You're at the market and you run into someone you know, but you don't know them that well. Nevertheless, you say hello, because you aren't a jerk. What follows is a lengthy diatribe from the other individual in the conversation, addressing topics from family to the hamburger steaks on sale at the end of the aisle. Any attempt to end the conversation on your part is either ignored or countered with an anecdote about their new business venture.
7. Ardmore, Okla.
The last trip there involved an incompetent hotel staff and a fast food employee who had to seek help with the register from some who was not even employed there.
6. A Jonny-on-the-Job
I'm not sure this one needs an autopsy.
5. The doctor's office
The sheer nature of the doctor's office promotes an anxiety-filled environment. On top of accepting the fact that health is in question, you have to sit in that waiting room... and - for reasons unknown - there is always that one person in the waiting room that enjoys staring. It's like they're trying to guess what you're in for ("Hmmm... All appendages seem to be intact. No whooping cough, projectile vomiting or cauliflower ear... I wonder what bird flu sufferers look like...). Staring back has little effect, either, as those truly dedicated to waiting room staring remain unfazed no matter what hurdle presents itself.
4. Speaking in front of a large group
I am an eloquent speaker in the same sense that Elmer Fudd was an excellent hunter. When it comes to public speaking, my mind may have good ideas as to what messages it wants to convey, but my mouth apparently has the power of veto and enjoys making me sound like a fool.
3. The dentist's chair
I guess I just have some hangup about seeing smoke drifting out of my mouth while the high-pitched squeal of a drill resonates in my ears. Apparently the adult contemporary music isn't quite enough to sooth my nerves.
2. Anywhere after watching the Wildcats/Chiefs/Royals lose a gut-wrenching game
Sure, I take sports a bit too seriously, but I can't recall being much angrier than I was after the Fiesta Bowl in 2004.
1. Lawrence, Kan.
"Faithful to our colors, we will ever be..."
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