The Favrings

Since their inception, The Writings have been about two things:

1. Providing insightful tales of early Latvian settlers in southern Connecticut; and,

2. Providing in-depth analysis of everything Favre.

Naturally, this is an exciting week at The Writings, and not just because LatFest 09 is taking place in Guilford, Conn.* This week marks Brett Favre's triumphant return to the NFL. After leaving the Vikings, the NFL, the nation, and even the world in a state of mourning after saying he would remain retired a week ago, Favre's recent decision to join the Vikings was met with widespread joy.

*Editor's note: Unfortunately, research does not support this claim.

In Minnesota, Governor Tim Pawlenty proclaimed this week "Brett Favre Week" and declared that any state employee who purchased a #4 Vikings jersey could enjoy a paid month off, and that they would earn bonuses for correctly answering Favre trivia.

Across the Midwest, schools delayed opening so that kids could mimic their hero in sandlot football games. This meant children everywhere walked outside of their homes carrying footballs, only to decide they were no longer interested in playing. They walked back indoors, but reemerged seconds later, wearing different clothing, and expressing a new desire for the sport. After tossing the ball once*, the children said they wanted to spend more time with their families and ran back into their homes. Before one could bat an eye (or ask about family), the children then returned outdoors (again wearing different clothing), and said they were ready to play. It's clear that children idolize Mr. Favre.

*The toss was intercepted.

In Washington, inspired by Favre, democrats and republicans chose to put aside partisan politics, and listen to both sides of pressing issues. With a new sense of camaraderie, it was decided that Favre's face would be added to Mount Rushmore.

Favre's return has been a truly epic event, and we at The Writings could not be happier. Longtime readers know how much we love the idea of an aging quarterback holding different franchises in limbo while attempting to decide if he's willing to play another season. They know we love the second-by-second coverage that major media outlets give Favre*. With the contract official, readers now have to know that we think those in the Vikings front office are uber-geniuses for signing an aging QB who threw as many interceptions as touchdowns last season to a two-year, $25 million contract. Brilliant!

*Who wouldn't want to know if a 39-year-old quarterback flossed this morning?

 We at The Writings certainly aren't ROOTING FOR THE VIKINGS TO LOSE EVERY GAME THEY PLAY THIS SEASON. We also certainly don't WANT TO SEE FAVRE CHALLENGE GEORGE BLANDA'S RECORD FOR INTERCEPTIONS THROWN IN A SEASON (42). No, we here at The Writings are thrilled that every NFL recap show this season will ignore quality recaps of every game played in favor of dissecting Favre's choice of ways to stay regular.

The Writings: We're thrilled... THRILLED... that Favre is coming back. As thrilled as we are about attending LatFest 09.

Hey, an update... Amazing.

According to the band Sublime, "the living's easy" in summertime. This may come as a shock to many, but it seems the members of Sublime never worked my job, where my schedule has gotten considerably more busy with the arrival of summer. Nevertheless, I refuse to let a hectic schedule serve as an excuse for neglecting The Writings. (Other than, you know, earlier in this paragraph when I basically tried to use that excuse.) Anyway, what follows is yet another collection of random thought, which, if tangible, would probably pump through my veins.

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Remember the scene in the movie Anchorman where Ron Burgandy reacts to Veronica Corningstone's statement that she wants to be a news anchor by yelling out in disbelief, "I thought you were joking"? I keep waiting for Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress to admit this to Brett Favre. After all we have been put through with the continued (and continued... and continued...) media coverage of another possible Favre comeback, wouldn't that be the perfect ending to this story? Favre could show up to the first day of the Vikings' training camp, only to see Sage Rosenfels taking snaps with the first team. Favre would then confront Childress, with the two jawing back and forth. Finally, the conversation would close in the following fashion.

Favre: ...but I told you I wanted to be the Vikings' starting quarterback.
Childress (by this point, also fed up with the fact that the only story surrounding his team involves a 39-year-old quarterback that threw as many interceptions as touchdowns the season before): I thought you were joking! I even wrote about it in my diary. "Brett had a very funny joke today." ... I laughed about it later that night!

A dignified way to close a Hall of Fame career? No. But is the current "I like you. If you like me circle 'yes'" flirtation much better?

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It's well documented that I have an abominable history when it comes to making accurate predictions. It's so bad, that I'm fairly confident that if I had been around to predict a victory for the colonies in the Revolutionary War, we'd all be enjoying a lot more tea and playing a lot more cricket. With in accurate predictions being my forte, I was rather astonished (and then enraged, but then more astonished) when an event I wrote about a week ago actually materialized the following night.

You may have seen it by now, but if not, have a look. The Indians topped the Royals, thanks in part* to hot ground ball playing tag with an unfortunate seagull. In watching the clip, pay particular attention to the commentary by the Indians' announcers. Upon discovering that the baseball clocked the bird, they laugh like most folks do when they see one of the 37 groin shots shown in every episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. It's a laugh that almost seems diabolical. While the initial question on my mind was how the Royals could be so unfortunate that they lose a game on a seagull aided play, the big question occupying my thoughts now is whether that Indians commentator has a personal history with sea birds that makes him have hostility toward them. Did a flock of seagulls** attack his family when he was young? Is he actually a supervillain that is continually thwarted by a hero called Gullman?

*"In part" because Coco Crisp, who hasn't practiced fielding balls of members of the gull family nearly enough, isn't exactly known for having a strong throwing arm, and was also playing with a sore shoulder that now has him on the disabled list... It might have been rough getting DeRosa at the plate.

**Again, not the band... Although, again, that might be a more entertaining thought.

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Big news recently is the revelation that you can now have a username on Facebook. As www.facebook.com itself touts it, "Easily direct friends, family, and coworkers to your profile with a Facebook username."

Personally, I'm thrilled that usernames are now a part of Facebook. After all, it was such a chore directing my friends, family, and coworkers to the bevy of useful information contained in my Facebook profile by providing them with nothing to search for buy my actual name. Who can remember the full name of a friend, family member, or coworker, anyway? I hear it's a documented fact that most people are lucky to remember anything more than the first syllable of the first name if they haven't known someone for over four years. Good luck searching for my Facebook profile when you only have "Der" to search for.*

*This paragraph brought to you by the "No, seriously, this whole username idea is absurd. Do you really want to open Facebook to names like 'BigPlayaBallaPimp69'? Redact it while you still can" Foundation.

Tales of obsessive announcers, the dark side of the Olympics, and a summer cold

Mid-August is a great time for vacations. Mine starts next week... Unfortunately, my immune system decided to take off a week early. As a result, I'm dealing with a sore throat and congestion in the midst of summer. Awesome.

My antibodies displaying as much fight as the Washington Generals aside, tonight marks an interesting Monday evening. Monday Night Football returns, and showcases the Packers' debut everyone will be talking about. Yes, I'm referring to the young offensive player trying to fill the clown-sized shoes of a legend. That's right, wide receiver Jordy Nelson will line up at wide receiver, with former Packer Koren Robinson nowhere to be seen.

Also on tap in these twilight hours will be a smorgasbord of Olympic events, direct from Beijing. In true American fashion, I know little about several Olympic events, but I'll root for my fellow citizens as if they are my next of kin.

On to the evening's thoughts...

- The Monday Night Football announcers follow the recent trend of anointing one particular former Packers' quarterback as the most significant person to ever stand on solid ground. I'm beginning to wonder if Aaron Rodgers has legally changed his name to "Brett Favre's Replacement, That Other Guy."

- Why didn't Don Majkowski get this sort of love? The guy was on Tecmo Super Bowl.

- There is a dark side to the Olympics, and it comes in the form of a Speedo. Listen, synchronized divers, the fact that you can jump off a high-dive and mimic the mid-air twists and turns of your teammate does not make wearing a skimpy pair of swimtrunks (minus the trunks) permissible. If the event was getting people everywhere to change the channel, you'd all win gold.

- Seeingly realizing the error of their ways, the National Broadcasting Company switched to women's beach volleyball immediately after I finished the previous paragraph... It's as if my voice has been heard. Thank you, NBC.

- Illustrating a previous point, the cameras at Lambeau Field just showed a fan's #4 Packers jersey with "God" written in the name block. This marks the first time I can recall readily expecting a stadium to be struck by lightning.

- On tap directly following women's beach volleyball? Men's gymnastics... You win some, you lose some.

- I continue to get the impression that popular opinion in the world of professional football is that Brett Favre would have created the heavens and Earth in just five days, and would have led a fourth-quarter comeback, won a hot dog eating contest, and rescued a puppy, a baby, and a geriatric from a house fire on the sixth.

- Meanwhile, judging from another self-promoting interview, Bengals receiver Chad Johnson may think that he could have accomplished all of that in three days, and then capped it off with touchdown celebration that sportscasters would spend pointless hours dissecting.

- This just in: Michael Phelps can swim pretty fast. Nonetheless, reports that he is related to Flipper remain unconfirmed at this time.

- Just heard on a professional wrestling program: a quote from Ronald Reagan... This is what you might call "not connecting with your core audience."

- Just heard during the football broadcast, "Favre-ity favre favre favre. Favrer, favre-ish, favre, favre, favre."*

*Quote may not be 100-percent accurate.

- In other news, the newest iteration of Madden Football is being released at midnight. News states that a former Packers quarterback is on the cover, but I want to go check to make sure there is not actually a picture of me gracing the case. It certainly seems like I'm in the middle of the "Madden Curse" right now.

Writing What Everyone is Thinking (and by "everyone is," I mean "only I am")

-- On a visit to the nursing home on Sunday, I made one particular observation. At the entrance to this care facility for the elderly, there was one of those signs that graphically illustrates the concept of "no firearms allowed." In my opinion, this is an excellent policy. I'm not really sure why anyone would ever need a firearm in such a setting (I don't advocate medication distribution at gunpoint). I agree with the line of thinking, although I have to wonder if it is really necessary. Are there a lot of nursing home visitors that bring their new 9mm to show grandpa? And if someone was "packing heat"*, would the Ghostbusters-style (I ain't afraid of no guns) sign make them turn around and put the gun back in the car?

*I have no clue where the phrase"packing heat" originated. All I know is that a Google search on the words shows that there's a website with that very name dedicated to tips on writing erotica... The more you know...


-- In sports news, there are some tube-top-tight pennant races going on in the world of baseball, and the Olympics start up in a few days. Further details are not available, because Brett Favre doesn't play baseball or do the long jump.


-- The word "celebrity" is being used rather loosely once again. This time around, the culprit is Celebrity Family Feud. Forgive me, but I have a hard time considering anyone from Son of the Beach a celebrity.


-- Down in the dumps about the way things are going for you? You can at least be pleased that you don't suffer from this condition. Imagine the chaos if she got a kick out of seeing others stumble and dated a klutz... Ice skating would be a bad idea.


-- Happiness is having the opportunity to draft a friend for your fantasy football team. Unhappiness is realizing that Brett Favre doesn't play fantasy football, so the season will probably be canceled.

Brett Favre is an Accomplished Texter (and why this is apparently more important than anything else)

In reviewing sports news on the national level over the past few days, one story has seemed to be placed on a level above all others. Does it involve Major League Baseball, a league actually playing games at the current time? Nope. How about the NBA, which just had its draft and now has begun summer league play? Nuh uh. Then surely it must be something involving track and field, where some of the nation's top athletes just qualified to compete at the Olympic games this summer? Wrong again.

No, the one story that kept flying into my face like a persistent mosquito was this: "Report: Favre sends text message to Packers' GM."

Yes, my friends, we have reached the point in our society where a simple report of one person texting another is the top news of the day.

I understand Favre was a great quarterback. I understand he's a legend in Wisconsin. I know he can still make an impact if he plays next year. I even have an interest in the Packers this year, thanks to one of their draft picks.

... but still... The story being reported is this: A guy sent a text message to his old boss.

Again, this is the top news story of the last three days. A text message.

I have so many problems with this method of journalism, I have no idea where to begin. It's time for rambling bullet points...

- Guess what an "unconfirmed report" basically amounts to... That's right, kids, a rumor. It's my opinion that the object of the "news" is to report facts, not spread rumors. Can rumors be mentioned? Sure. But it should be emphasized that the rumor is just that. And rumors should not be analyzed.

- A text message is not news. Think about all the text messages you have sent. Do you consider them newsworthy? Am I going to see a story on a kid sending "UR dumb.. j/k, lol! :)"* to his friend on the 10 p.m. news tonight?

*Please note that this "text language" was used only to make a point. I still believe it should be banned in 49 states.

- Who reports on a text message, anyway? Was somebody peeking over Farve's shoulder as he typed? Does news companies now have guys on the inside at AT&T? Do we have any reports on whether Mr. Favre used a winking smiley at the end of his text?

- Favre hasn't even missed a game since he retired. Does this even count as retirement? That's like me saying I'm retiring from my job, but I'll unretire at 8 a.m. tomorrow. This is too much. I'm retiring from writing.


...Hey, I miss writing. I'm going to unretire.

- I have to reiterate, the story taking 10 minutes of reporting on a national sports program is about a guy typing maybe 10 words into a portable electronic device and hitting a "send" button. That's it. I sent a text yesterday evening. Feel free to call the newspaper with that lead.

On another level, I think this just speaks to the problem with sports journalism today. Athletes are overhyped. Stories are overblown. "Experts" are overexposed. The focus seems to be on everything but the reason people are fans in the first place - the games.

When I watch a sports news program, I expect to get the latest news on what is happening in the world of sports. I want highlights on the night's games. I want updates on current standings, streaks, and playoff races. I'll even take a report on an athlete returning from injury.

Notice what is missing from the above paragraph? "Reports" of a retired athlete sending a text message. Stories about one of the best players in baseball possibly dating a 50-year-old pop star. Talks of scandal when pictures surface of a young NFL quarterback surrounded by co-eds in a hot tub. Anything involving a contest that decides who is "now" or what is "titletown." ... I'm not interested.

I have to quit typing now. There's a Royals game on, and if I don't watch I'll have to rely on the 23 seconds spent recapping the game on the sports news tonight. Who has time for game recapping when there may be a report of a new text message?