Monday, June 09, 2008

The Name Game

Names.

We all have them, and very few of us played a part in choosing them. It's interesting.

Sometimes names can even seem to affect one's personality (ever heard someone say, "Y'know, she looks like an Agnes" or "He looks like a Floyd"?), yet, aside from those that go by stage names or those who had really lazy parents ("Hell, I don't know what to name him. Wait 'til he can talk and let him decide."... Surely that's how someone gets the name "Cookie," right?), none of us had any input in choosing the monikers that would follow us like loyal pets (or irritating spam e-mails... I'm not looking for a great deal on Viagra. I'm sorry.) for the rest of our lives.

Normally, I might not spend much time pondering what goes in to choosing a name, but it turns out that 2008 is the Year of the Newborn (also the Year of the Rat, according to the Chinese calendar... I like my phrasing better). In DL history (please note: records only go back to 1982), there has never been as many family members, friends, acquaintances, enemies (... okay, not enemies... yet) receiving visits from the baby delivery stork* as there have been/will be in 2008.

*I am too lazy to look this up, but I am trying to figure out why the stork was designated as the UPS of ornithological baby delivery. Why not an osprey? Or a pelican? Maybe a flock of finches could team up to deliver the "bundle of joy."

With so many people entering the "DL Circle of People He Recognizes" it also means that several new names must be added to the "DL List of Names He Better Not Forget." With this in mind (and at the suggestion of one reader), I figured I better offer any advice I might have to those who will have the task of choosing the perfect name ahead of them.

One obvious consideration is the harmonic agreement among the first, middle, and last names. You want to pick something that sounds natural. If your last name is Smith, you might lean away from naming your child Adolph (actually, if you're having a child, you might considering crossing the name Adolph off your list, regardless of your last name... Just an idea.)

In the case of my family, the last name of my future niece or nephew (we'll get to that in a minute) will be Myers. In such a case, the name Oscar immediately springs to mind as a fantastic option for a young boy (or even a girl... to a much, much lesser extent). The middle name could even be Frankfurt.

When the gender of the child is unknown during the tossing about of the potential names, it can make things a little more difficult. Even something as simple as referring to the future toddler as "he" or "she" is out the window. Nevertheless, this does not mean you should give in and have your potential surprise ruined for the sake of pronouns. You just need to be careful how you refer to the kid (you don't want to risk getting the baby ticked off when it has a chance to kick vital organs of a family member). In the case of my future niece or nephew, I took the obvious route. I call the kid "Niecephew." It's easy. It covers all available options (female, male,... other?). And, honestly, I think it is a name with potential. It is my hope that Niecephew, makes the final list of names considered.

Now, if one chooses to take the more "conventional" route and go against choosing a ground-breaking name offered by a future-uncle, another option that might be considered is basing the name off the child's heritage. The Larson family hails from Sweden, which brings forth an abundance of options. However, one thing that must be considered when pursuing this route is whether or not the name may play a role in determining the child's future.

Is a child named Bjorn more likely to become a tennis pro? Or if you name your kid Sven, will he be more likely to wear thick sweaters all the time? What if named your little girl Heidi? Would she pick flowers in the mountains, always refer to her grandpa as "Grandfather" and have a tendency to interrupt the watching of football games at crucial moments**?

**I obviously know extremely little about the actual plot of the novel, motion picture, and TV movie, "Heidi." Forgive my ignorance... Although you should probably be used to it by now.

If you've considered the aforementioned options, but you're still coming up empty, you can always consider looking to the world of movies, television, music, or sports for inspiration. For instance, if, down the road, I were to look to my favorite TV character for the name of a son, I'd be blessed with a kid named Homer Larson... Maybe that wasn't the best illustration.

If Paul Simon is your favorite musical artist, you might wind up calling your kid "Al." If it's Johnny Cash, you may have a boy named "Sue." If your favorite actor is Harrison Ford, you could name your son "Indiana" or "Han." Maybe you love the show "The Real World" so much that you want nothing more than to parade around on it someday. Then you might just name your little girl "Oops."

It may be that you have reviewed all these wonderful tips (that should probably be compiled in book form and sold in stores(that's not a compliment of my work. There are books out there with nothing but names, for goodness sake... JUST NAMES)), but you're still unsure what the child currently called Womb Dweller will be named once it sees the light of day. That's understandable. The most important thing to remember is that, no matter how much advice you receive or how many baby name books you read, the most important thing is that the name is something both the parents and the child will be able to take pride in. No one can make make the decision but you, future parents.

... although...

"Derek" is a pretty good name. I mean, it's versatile, distinguished, and can really fit with any last name you might have.

Seriously, it's an excellent name.



Think about it.

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