Tony Pena, Jr., - Royals shortstop and free-swinger extraordinaire - enters tonight's game against the Chicago White Sox with a .158 batting average.
For those of you who may not be familiar with baseball or the stats that come along with it, a .158 batting average is horrid. Actually, horrid may not be a strong enough term. With a .158 batting average, Pena has a slightly better chance of getting a hit each time at the plate than I do of stepping into a gnome-crafted inflatable pool filled with gummi worms and Alf pogs when I wake up tomorrow morning.
I have done some ground-breaking research, and what follows is a list of people and things that may have a better chance of getting a hit in a Major League batter's box than Pena, Jr...
- George Brett... swinging a licorice rope instead of a bat.
- A blind Yorkshire terrier.
- A football tackling dummy.
- Sr., Ynot Anep (the bizarro Tony Pena, Jr.)
- Colonel Sanders swinging a drumstick.
- An inanimate carbon rod.
- Lupus from "Bad News Bears."
- Omaha Royals SS Angel Berroa (I can't believe I just typed that).
*Please note: This Writing is for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
... After all, we all know that Derek would never take the time to do actual research.
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