Proper ways to enjoy the first morning of 2011

- Make a tent by using a couch and a blanket.

- Hide from the "monster fire" (translation: monster in the fireplace) in said tent.

- Terrorize a pug.

- Watch "The Jungle Book."

- Hide from that monster fire again.

- Chase the pug some more.

- Watch "Ice Age: The Meltdown" solely to see Scrat trying to get his acorn.

(These new year activities brought to you by your local two-year-old.)

And that's 2011 so far. Forgive the holiday hiatus. Coming soon (Tonight? Tomorrow? This week? Uhh... one of the above): The annual look back at the year that was.

Happy new year from all* at The Writings.

*A collection of orangutans with typewriters.

Holiday Lessons

If it hasn't become Windex-clear by now, activity at The Writings slows down a bit near the holiday season. (Read: In Winter.) While I could claim that postings become less frequent due to my immense popularity, which has me attending numerous holiday parties, I also respect the intelligence of my readers and know that they would see through that lie like they see though a window after it has been cleaned with Windex.* In truth, my social life is pretty much the same as it always has been, meaning I attend about as many parties as the guy who looks through your trash for recyclable cans. If there is one aspect of my life that does change this time of year, it's that I find myself spending more time around the fireplace at my parents' home.

*The Writings: We're shooting for sponsorship... Buy Windex now!

Since the day that my parents became empty-nesters, their home has always been the place where the family could reconvene, and it works especially well when the temperature drops below freezing. On such days, the males in the family take turns playing pyromaniac with the goal being stoking the flames in the fireplace to the point that anyone sitting within eight feet of the thing will soon be sweating. The fireplace becomes our own personal blast furnace and its lure is strong.

This winter, time spent near the fireplace has been a bit more interesting thanks to the sharp, developing mind of my two-year-old niece. Calling her "excitable" is akin to calling any program featuring a Kardashian "worthless." Though she really has no recollection of last Christmas, she's wildly geared up for the 2010 rendition. It's undeniably entertaining to see her hop up-and-down in excitement at the mention of presents or to hear her yell "Whoa, look at those ones!" when driving by a house with Christmas lights, but it has also been quite fun to hear her take on the holiday. After all, she's two, so everything is either taken at face-value or embellished with the sort of imagination that can spot friendly monsters while driving down the road. Thanks to her teachings, here's what I know...

Christmas is Baby Jesus' birthday, as is depicted in all those nativity scenes that pop up around this time of year. Nativity scenes feature Baby Jesus, Mary, God, shepherds, sheep, wise men, angels, cows, and a puppy. While you may argue that Joseph is depicted, it's obvious that you're either mistaken, or that his close friends called him "God." You also might be curious what sort of nativity scene might depict a puppy. Answer: all of them. You're obviously not looking hard enough.

The Grinch is a scary green character, but he's in a good movie... Well, it's good until you are about ten minutes into it. At that point, you should begin begging to watch a different Christmas moving, claiming, "I don't like the Grinch." Soon your call to action will be met, and Frosty the Snowman will find his way into the DVD player. Now that's a good movie... Until about about ten minutes in. Then? "I wanna watch the Grinch."

As for Santa Claus, despite rumors that you may have heard about the North Pole, he lives at the mall. He says "Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas!" One of his reindeer is named Rudolph, but you should really call him "Rudolph the Red Nose." On Christmas, he's bringing presents, all the way from the mall.

Also, according to my niece, he's bringing Uncle Derek a duck for Christmas. Now I'm excited.

The Pumpkin Patch

Today is October 20. I have consulted several calendars to confirm this seemingly simple fact. My Windows desktop, a day-planner, and www.timetemperature.com also provide evidence that supports this claim.

Why go to such lengths just to confirm today's date? Mainly because it blows my mind... We're two-thirds of the way through 2010's tenth month, yet I'm fairly confident that it was just three days ago that I was telling my landlord that I could not believe how quickly August went by. The fact that time is flying by with such velocity seems to be a sure sign that I'm getting old. (The noises my back makes when I get up in the morning and the way I get drawn in to Wheel of Fortune whenever it's on a nearby television seem to support this notion.)  Nonetheless, it's time to cast aside such worries. Even though I may be just days from arthritis and cataracts, and - with the seemingly accelerated nature of this calendar year - tomorrow may be Christmas, it's time to pause and take a look a locale that truly fits the season: the pumpkin patch.

*Warning: Reading about events in the author's life may cause drowsiness. Please do not read The Writings while operating heavy machinery. The Writings have been known to cause severe befuddlement, mild aggression, and feelings of deep pity. Don't drink alcohol when reading The Writings. If you are, or may soon be pregnant, take precaution when reading The Writings. Please do not attempt to recreate The Writings at home. This blog is written by a trained professional.

As surprising as it may be, Saturday marked my first trip to such a location. I'm sure it sounds odd, but traveling alone to a family-oriented place to look awkward because I was the only single person there with no kids never really appealed to me. Saturday proved different, as my sister invited me to go with her family and a couple friends. Thus, when we arrived at the pumpkin patch, it was my sister, brother-in-law, and my niece, plus their two friends and their baby boy... and me, looking awkward because I was the only single person there with no kids. Oh well.

Anyway, the patch proved to be an interesting place. Admission for all seven of us to get in? $4. That's right, the owner's of the pumpkin patch took the approach that only those that would get the most enjoyment of the patch's activities (kids 2+) should be charged admission. The idea is a novel one and is something that more places should consider. Score one for the patch.

Inside, we first took a trip through the bale maze. As an astute reader might guess, this was simply a maze crafted out of bales of hay. Unfortunately, with a limited amount of space, there are only so many different routes one could make in a bale maze. Only the first fork of the maze seemed to make one pause for a moment wondering which way they should go. Naturally, I chose the wrong way. Luckily, two minutes later our entire crew escaped the maze with no severe injuries or mental trauma to report.

We moved on from the maze to a giant tree house and then the petting zoo. My niece, a master of animal noises at the age of two, was excited to check out the animals, but ultimately terrified of two pigs. Rather than petting one of the pigs as it ate, she decided she would hide behind her mom and shout that the pig was "naughty." I'm not sure what the pig did, but ultimately - when the battle is between my relation and pork - I have to side with my niece... That damn pig. Along with the dastardly swine, the petting zoo featured a calf that was in a coma-like trance at the rear of its cage, a goat that had also determined that people were evil, a cage of pigeons, and a pen full of chickens and a couple ducks. Disney's Animal Adventure it was not, but - again - it cost $4 to get in.

In my niece's eyes, the highlight of the patch was surely the giant pile of hay that existed only for children to jump into. After she climbed to a spot on a hay bale a few feet above the pile of hay, I expected a bit of hesitation on her part before taking the leap. I was wrong. The little girl jumped like a seasoned paratrooper. She laughed as she sank into the hay and then it was time to jump again. And again. And a few more times for good measure. After more jumps than the average game of Super Mario Bros. the young one was finally corralled and it was time to go pick pumpkins. (Unsurprisingly, we made it back to the hay pit later on.)

Unfortunately for those looking for quality, wholesome, pumpkin-picking fun (my sister) we had to walk back by the petting zoo to get to the patch of pumpkins. The niece can be a motivated individual, and at this point she was motivated to visit her animal friends again. She was told that they had to find some pumpkins first. It was at this point that my niece picked up the small pumpkin nearest her feet and handed it to her uncle. Technically, she had completed her mother's task; she had picked a pumpkin. After all, her mom had never specified that the pumpkin should not be half green. Alas, the niece's attempt to beat the system were ineffective and the pumpkin hunt continued. It was at this point that my brother-in-law received a text message with news of my brother's engagement. At this, there was much rejoicing.

The day at the patch wrapped with pumpkins picked, some s'mores cooked, and another visit to the chickens and ducks, this time with some quality animal impersonations tossed out. (Not by me... Okay, a few by me, but most by my niece. I swear.)

What's the point of this tale of the pumpkin patch visit? Honestly, I don't have a clue... I hear people start to tell rambling stories with no direction when they get old.

Recent lessons learned from a two-year-old

Though she's just two, my niece is by far one of the most entertaining people I have ever encountered. Along with the fact that she enjoys the spotlight when she's comfortable with her surroundings, she is also quite the teacher. Here's a few items that I've recently learned from the little gal:

- When telling a story of your gymnastics class, or a slide you played on, or a puppy you saw, pausing to take a breath is completely optional.

- Ketchup on french fries is tasty. Your french fries dipped in your uncle's ketchup - which is across the table and calls for practically crawling on top of the table to reach - make for an even better treat.

- Clowns are terrifying; so scary, in fact, that they will make you abandon the toys you were playing with and demand to be put into a crib that is not yours. Upon the exit of the aforementioned demon in face paint, proper protocol to ensure safety involves hollering at your dad to shut the door.

- When a new person is introduced to the family environment, you must move quickly to make sure that they, too, will be putty in your hands. When it's time for hugs and kisses, put the newbie first in line. When it's time to show-off a bit, always make sure they're watching. Even when you cry, turn and face the new blood, just to make sure they are still aware of you.

- When you get a temporary tattoo on your upper arm, you should pull up your shirt sleeve to show it to pretty much anyone you know. If you are not wearing sleeves, you should still act as if you are pulling up a shirtsleeve when you want to show someone the tattoo.

- Naps are for suckers, unless you're riding in a car.

- Milo and Otis is pretty much the greatest movie ever made.

- .... Unless Elmo DVDs count as movies.

- Along the same lines, the only website that matters is www.sesamestreet.org.

- One must enjoy the simple things in life. Simply holding a hose to water Grandpa's plants can be a lot of fun with the right mindset.

Copyright Derek D. Larson

10 Lessons learned from a 21-month-old

1. If you're willing to jump from a moving vehicle for anything, it should be for the opportunity to play on a playground.

2. Unfortunately, child car seats are, in fact, child proof.

3. Also unfortunate is the fact that the other folks in the vehicle ignore your calls of "I need out" and "play" as you cruise by the playground.

4. Pugs love hugs... even if they squirm like they don't.

5. Spaghetti is not only delicious, but it also serves as a great clothing accessory, while the sauce serves as some pretty wicked warpaint.

6. Jumping in place is pretty fun, but even more so when you can bait everyone around you into jumping up-and-down, as well.

7. Movies are great... for 10 minutes. Then it's time to go shout at birds to keep out of the house.

8. Oranges lying in your grandparents' garden may be intended for orioles, but they still look delicious enough to repeat "nummy" several times.

9. When you do get the opportunity to finally go down a slide, the preferred method of declination should involve sliding feet first on your belly, which results in your falling over backward upon reaching the base of the slide.

10. Though the force of your slide landing combined with the discombobulation that comes with nearly completing a backward somersault would be enough to make most folks sit still for a breather, the best method of recovery is hopping to your feet immediately and sprinting back to climb to the top of the slide again.