Thursday, August 16, 2007

Stating the Obvious – Observations from a KC double-dip

I have two TVs hooked up just feet from each other in my apartment.

Such an idea may bring some sort of flashy set-up, the likes of which a professional athlete or a rapper might have, complete with a Scarface poster on the wall. I assure you, such is not the case. My secondary television (TV2, as it’s affectionately referred to in the DLBP (Derek Larson bachelor pad)) is a tiny 13-incher that may be as old as the freshmen preparing to attend K-State next week, and has a few quirks to it, as well (occasionally it doesn't turn off... big deal).

Despite it’s inadequacies, TV2 makes nights like tonight wonderful. The Kansas City Chiefs are seeing pre-season action on ESPN, while the Royals will battle the Rangers on RSTN. No channel flipping here, as I can now view both at the same time… and because I’m no slacker when it comes to pointless multi-tasking, I’m going to log the events of the evening, as well (and blatantly rip off a Bill Simmons idea in the process)… Sometimes I even amaze myself.

7:08 – Former Chief Trent Green starts out 0-2 passing, tossing one pass too short, and having the second dropped by his tight end… Missing Tony Gonzalez yet, Trent? Actually, despite his wearing of the uniform brought to fame by Ray Finkel, I hope Green plays well tonight. It’s hard to root against a guy who is probably the second-greatest QB in Chiefs history.
The third-down conversion is not successful, and the Dolphins punter gets some work… Get used to hearing that phrase this season, Miami fans.

7:11 – After looking inept on a play in which he was sacked, QB Damon Huard finds the aforementioned Gonzalez for a first-down… Huard and competitor for the starting spot
Brodie Croyle should probably both buy Gonzalez BFF pendants.

7:14 – Chiefs rookie kicker Justin Medlock misses his first field goal attempt in Arrowhead Stadium… meanwhile, Herman Edwards must be wondering if Morten Andersen has plans for the next few months.

7:17 – ESPN shows the replay of the hit Green suffered his concussion on last season. Yikes. I still think that should have a parental warning before it.

7:20 – My second-round fantasy pick in one of my three fantasy football leagues, Ronnie Brown, has picked up the last 3 first downs for Miami. Normally, this would provide me some comfort knowing he’s looking good for the upcoming season, but I just realized I am in three fantasy football leagues… I think they may have support groups for people like me.

7:29 – I realize that all may recent writings have focused on things I watch on TV… I do other things, too… I swear… I work, I socialize… I even went grocery shopping earlier tonight…

7:32 – Huard has runningback Michael Bennett open in the flat on third down, but tosses the ball over his head… meanwhile, Herman Edwards may be searching for Rich Gannon’s phone number.

7:34 – Cleo Lemon steps in at quarterback for Miami, and thoughts of a dessert made by a TV card-reading fortuneteller spring to my mind. “Call me now for this wonderful recipe.”

7:36 – I realize it’s hard to convey a Jamaican accent via a written medium.

7:37 – The Royals game has now begun, with Esteban German leading off for KC… I love you, TV2.

7:41 – Dolphins kicker Jay Feely gives the fish (I know, they’re mammals… back off) a 3-0 lead. Does this mean the Chiefs’ offense is more feeble than the Dolphins’… oh dear.

7:44 – Two TVs, two commercial breaks at the same time. Don’t TV programmers realize forcing me to think for myself is dangerous?

7:45 – I wonder how many grapes I can fit in my mouth at once…

7:46 – Whew, the glory of televised competition has returned to both screens… Take it easy, brain.

7:48 – Damon Huard just threw a pass after crossing the line of scrimmage by a good three yards. Maybe Brodie Croyle should come down with a “stomach virus” so he can win the QB job by default.

7:51 – Mark Grudzielanek makes an eye-catching diving stop to retire a Ranger batter. He’s definitely the best second-baseman with 12-letters in his last name that the Royals have ever had.

7:57 – So far tonight, the Royals have outscored the Chiefs 1-0… If the Royals are still ahead at the end of the night, I may be worried.

7:58 – Lemon takes the lead in the “worst pass of the night” category, missing his intended target by a good 10 yards. With Croyle’s whirling-dervish interception from last week replaying in my head, I certainly won’t go as far as to say that he has the award locked up.

8:05 – Croyle starts his effort with three consecutive completions. Meanwhile, Herman Edwards may be praying that the young Alabaman doesn’t thrown an interception, so that he can name Croyle as the starter and handcuff a clipboard to Huard’s wrist.

8:08 – Chiefs receiver Chris Hannon jukes his way into the endzone, giving the Chiefs a significant edge over the Royals… Thank you.

8:11 – Former Riley County Falcon and K-State Wildcat Jon McGraw comes up with a special teams tackle and does not showboat, showing the superior character that often results from learning at both aforementioned academic institutions… I am certainly not above shameless plugs for my alma maters.

8:14 – After the Chiefs recover a Miami fumble and earn the opportunity to take a bigger lead, Croyle tosses and interception as the result of a horrible read in zone coverage…. Meanwhile, Steve DeBerg may be pondering whether his Tecmo Super Bowl-famed self has what it takes to make a comeback to the league.

8:24 – The Chiefs head to halftime ahead 7-3 before Stu Scott updates us on the latest in the Michael Vick saga… Did you know he was allegedly involved in some sort of dog-fighting ring? Apparently people are really upset about it, too. Yet another under-the-radar story, just like anything involving Paris Hilton, Britney Spears or Lindsey Lohan (I think I have less respect for myself for the mere mention of their names. Because of the acting prowess they show in the world of film, they’re now referred to as “Oscar’s Ladies”).

8:31 – I worry about the difficulty of conveying sarcasm via written medium before remembering that the posterior portion of the parenthetical statement from the previous timeframe is simply too ludicrous to be taken seriously.

8:32 – Baby-faced pitcher Leo Nunez gets Sammy “remember when you liked me in 1998” Sosa to fly out with two runners on to end the third inning. Nunez looks young enough to be pitching in the Little League World Series.

8:37 – I realize it’s pretty ridiculous for one to be talking about how young someone looks when the speaker has personally had his ID checked when purchasing an R-rated movie in the past calendar year… Did I mention I’m nearly 25?

8:40 – It looks like my evening may have just gotten a little longer, as the clouds in the Arlington area have decided burst forth with more moisture than the collective sweat glands at an overweight-and-hairy-nervous-guy convention in an Arizona facility lacking air conditioning. Needless to say, the game has been delayed.

8:41 – I realize that the aforementioned, hypothetical convention is one of the oddest situations I’ve ever typed out.

8:55 – I search for an adequate TV2 fill-in for the delayed-Royals game. The rerun of ‘Royals Insider’ that I’ve already seen just isn’t cutting it…. I swear, I do things other than watch TV… I read. Honestly, I do.

9:00 – Interviewed on the sidelines, Gonzalez says the Chiefs’ coaches will pick the QB that is “consistent and doesn’t turn the ball over.”… I check to see if the Chiefs have signed John Stockton or Jason Kidd to take snaps.

9:04 – Casey Printers is now at QB for KC, and the announcers speak of his main problem… fumbling snaps from the center. In the meantime, Printers looks sharp making athletic plays, and leading the offense to a potential field goal… I ponder how complicated it would be for a runningback to take snaps and then pitch the ball to Printers each down.

9:08 – Medlock misses his second field goal of the evening, a 38-yarder. As a result, I begin pondering whether Kathy Ireland really learned how to kick field goals for her “Necessary Roughness” role.

9:13 – The rain has subsided and the Royals are back on the field. On cue, a 6-4-3 double play ends the inning… I wonder if Grudzielanek could throw a football like that?

9:19 – Medlock lines up for a 34-yarder… IT’S GOOD!!! With that, the equipment manager on the sidelines sets his “ACME Jersey Name Unstitching Kit” back down.

9:26 – A Dolphin receiver makes an impressive one-handed catch, but the announcers are to wrapped up in a Vick conversation to acknowledge it… sigh… Meanwhile, on TV2, Ranger batter Frank Catalanotto strikes out and slams his bat against the ground… this is replayed three times.

9:30 – A Sportscenter commercial asks if the Vick case is overshadowing the NFL… As a former member of the media, I am aware that the media controls what you see/hear, and what stories become big (see Oscar’s Ladies). Honestly, it’s not a difficult concept. In reality, the commercial should say, “Is the Vick case overshadowing the NFL? Yes, because we’re shoving it down your gullets! Take that, suckers!”

9:37 – I know he’s competing against a bunch of guys that may not have jobs in a couple weeks (e.g., Miami’s 4th-string defense), but Printers looks sharp at QB… and he’s successfully received every snap. This kid may be going places.

9:39 – In a random crowd shot, an RSTN camera focuses on three cute college-age ladies in the Arlington crowd. If I had an award for cameraman of the night, the guy who shot that would get it.

9:40 – I try to figure out where in this world I would ever attain a Cameraman of the Night award to pass along at my own whim.

9:45 – Miami leads KC 11-10 with 16 seconds left, and Miami punting. As the Dolphins punt, Ron Jaworski says playing Huard at QB gives the Chiefs the best opportunity to win right now… The BEST chance to win? I contemplate whether I’d be able to survive a 0-16 season.

9:50 – Printers’ final Hail Mary heave falls incomplete, but he finishes the night 8-10 passing… A wave of depression falls over me, as I realize I currently enjoy watching the Chiefs’ third-string, no-chance-of-starting, quarterback more than the collective Bramon Cruard.

10:02 – Alex Gordon clears the right-field wall to tie the game at 2. With all the negativity that Chiefs’ game brought out, I realize I should probably end this thing on a high note, and the former-Husker probably just provided the perfect opportunity (I also realized I’m getting old, and I want to wind down the evening without a laptop resting on my thigh).

In closing, the Chiefs obviously have work to do, but I really don’t think they’ll go 0-16. The QB situation isn’t ideal in my world, but I also don’t earn millions of dollars for my decisions concerning the gridiron.

… Oh yeah, and I do other things…. Honestly!