Friday, June 10, 2011

Here's to some semblance of intelligent thought

In just over one week, my brother is getting married. It’s an exciting time and it’s an event that provides my family with plenty to think about. How many people will show up? Will it rain? How will Derek respond to countless mentions that he’s nearly the last single guy left standing in all of his extended family? Whatever the answers to those questions may be*, it’s bound to be a great evening. Well, except for maybe one part…

*My best guesses: 1. Plenty; 2. No rain; 3. An awkward combination of fidgeting, saying “some day” and attempting to change the subject. (Beautiful evening, isn’t it?)

As the “best* man” in the ceremony, I’m tasked with giving a toast at the wedding reception. It is an honor to have the opportunity and there’s no shortage of good things to say about the new couple… It’s just that I have established a pretty solid reputation of despising public speaking. I’m not really sure where or when this aversion began, but I know that it certainly evolved over time. What began as simple nerves became a fear of actually being nervous ABOUT being nervous.**

*Term used as loosely as possible. I tried to get them to list it as “Best We Could Do On Short Notice” in the program, but to no avail.

**Which makes about as much sense as devouring three-pounds of fudge in attempt to mask depression after you realize you’ve gained a couple pounds.


Truth told, I know I’ll be nervous when dropping my profound wisdom (translation: jokes recited from Laffy Taffy wrappers) on those in attendance, but I’ve learned that such things are not worth dwelling. The content of my toast, however, is. This is my chance to share my thoughts of what a successful marriage involves*, relay embarrassing stories about my brother**, or to hone my stand-up comedy act comprised completely of chicken jokes that don’t really make sense.***

*Two televisions. 

**No chance, as I’d be opening myself up to ridiculous ridicule some day in the future. Tales of my donut-induced tantrums have no place at wedding receptions.

***Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the road had it coming.


By this point, the speech has a pretty good foundation, meaning there have been plenty of ideas that have been tossed aside. In the spirit of transparency, I think it’s only fair that I share the ideas that won’t make it into the toast.

-    Interpretive dance.
-    A mimed reenactment of the family’s reaction to news of the engagement.
-    A diorama of the basement where my brother and I staged many epic battles in the NES classic Baseball Stars 2.
-    Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me”
-    A reception-wide staring contest.
-    An attempt to see how many times I can utter “dude” in two minutes.
-    A surprise appearance by a guy who used to cut former K-State basketball coach Tom Asbury’s hair.
-    Live updates from the Royals-Cardinals game that evening.
-    An auction for my autographed photo of Bob Barker. (This item is priceless.)
-    Any semblance of intelligent thought.*

*Actually, I’m still working on fitting this in. Good luck, Derek.

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