Best. Movie. Ever.

I have seen the finest the world of film has to offer. It's name?

Dinocroc vs. Supergator.

This Syfy original contains all the wooden acting, horrible CGI, and lame attempts at drama that one person could handle. For a guy that takes great joy in watching the worst of the worst in the world of movies, this one provides just what I'm looking for. Need a taste? On a tropical island, a photographer character just engaged in an improptu photo session with two busty blonde bimbos. Three clicks of his camera later, one of the beasts for whom the film is title leaped out of the stream he was conveniently standing next to and devoured him whole. Naturally, the two blondes had the expected "look at each other and scream and then run away screaming even more," though their stale acting kind of made it seem like they were running to get a free Girls Gone Wild t-shirt. Minutes later, the sequence ended when - again as expected - one of them tripped and was soon torn in half*. Naturally, instead of running away while her friend was food for a fictional beast, the other lady stood watching and screaming. She was soon dessert.

*The description is a very loose fit, as the horrible CGI illustration made the whole thing look a bit like something out of a remedial Photoshop class.

 A couple other things that make this movie great:

- A character called "The Cajun" that has no semblance of a Cajun accent.

- A scent where a giant gator, running on its hind legs, is chasing a jeep, and a woman watching from afar says "Is that it?" Who knew it would be so hard to identify a supergator?

Simply put, this film should win every award ever rewarded. Even those that have nothing to do with movies. It is that remarkable and you must see it.

... Now I just have to figure out how to tell the difference between Dinocroc and Supergator.

Things learned from a night in front of the television

-People should not forget that the second-coming of Christ will pitch against the Royals tomorrow... Sorry, it's actually Stephen Strasburg, but with the way folks talk about him, you'd think he could feed all the Nationals fans with two fish and five loaves of bread.

- ... Wait a second, there are only about 7 living people who actually consider themselves "Nationals fans," so two fish and five loaves will probably cut it. 

- Folks on "America's Got Talent" often mention that they have "dreamed" of winning the competition... I guess it beats dreaming of falling off a cliff, but the winning margin might not be that great.

- Despite the fact that Tom Cruise has beliefs that originate from a science fiction writer and that he's about the size of a hobbit, he can still make movies that look to at least be decent rentals.

- The host and judges of "America's Got Talent" do little to help prove that there is actually talent in America.

- A better name for the show would probably be "America's Got Way Too Much Spare Time."

- I am fully aware of (and comfortable with) the irony of having a sentence about too much spare time appear in a blog inspired by doing little more than watching television on my couch.

- Somehow "Minute to Win It" still exists.

- Baseball is still depressing.



- Wait, no it's not. (Royals pull to within 1 run in the 9th inning)



- Hold on, it still is. (Royals lose.)

Woo Hoo

One day after I based much of a Writing off the thoughts of Homer Simpson, it was announced that an Entertainment Weekly survey named him the greatest character created for television or film in the last 20 years. Coincidence?

Yeah, probably.

Nonetheless, it's time to celebrate, and there's only one way to do it: a Wednesday evening quote-o-rama. The following are some of the greatest thoughts to ever come from Springfield Nuclear Plant's safety inspector for Sector 7-G.

"They have the internet on computers now?"

"There's a NEW Mexico?"

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day."

"Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"

"Look at all this great stuff I found at the marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat."

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."

"America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay."

"Facts are meaningless. You could used facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."

"I hope I didn't brain my damage."

"I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty miles per hour, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode... I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie... Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing like that movie, Police Academy."

"If you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Default! The two sweetest words in the English language. De! Fault! De! Fault!"

Longest Minute Ever

Ever watched the show "Minute to Win it"? No? Good call. The NBC program involves contestants completing "challenges" that are often the sort of thing on might do at summer camp. The hook is that those taking part only have one minute to complete each challenge. Yes, the rhyme masters at NBC worked overtime to create the title of this show. Apparently some folks call this good television. I call it an illustration of the fact that there's way too much money out there.

Guy Fieri, of Food Network fame, makes good sense to host the show because he... likes food. Well, that may not be a great reason, but what about the fact that he... has awkward fashion sense. Okay, I really have no idea what qualifies a guy that is famous for pigging out at Diners, Drive-ins, Dives, etc., across the nation to host a poor attempt at a game show. But it's just the host, let's move on.

Tonight's contestants are an engaged couple, looking to win major cash to have a "fairy tale wedding." Do they realize many fairy tales originally had some pretty grotesque moments prior to being Disneyized? "Cinderalla" originally involved self-mutilation, after all. "Little Red Riding Hood" was eaten by the wolf before being cut from it's belly and "Snow White" involved the queen eating the heart of a deer... Think "Grimm" was a fitting name yet?

The first competition is called the "Chocolate Unicorn." The game involves stacking chocolates on one's head, otherwise known as Guy's weekend plans. (It's about time that The Writings took a shot at him for no apparent reason... The Writings: Taking Successful Folks down 1/128 of a notch at a time.)

Game two is called "extreme hanky panky." Luckily, the game fights the images the name might conjure up and is safe for network television. In preparing for the game, which involves pulling tissues from boxes (get it? Hanky!... Hilarious.) the female half of the couple talks of how her significant other calls her "baby" and she calls him "boo." She then starts yelling "baby boo!" I'm not sure it's possible to root for people to fail more than I'm rooting against these folks now.

Minute tries to create suspense and anticipation in a cliffhangery sense by announcing the rules of a game and then skipping to commercial right before the contestants start it. Unfortunately for the network, this has the opposite effect on viewers like me. Frankly, I'm relieved when a break from the action comes, just because I no longer feel like I'm getting dumber by the minute. (See what I did there? "By the minute"? Two can play your game, NBC!)

A couple more games pass by and the feminine half of the couple lets forth repeated banshee-like screams after winning one challenge with one second left. Yes she's excited. Alas, the game involved putting jellybeans in cups, leaving me far less than impressed.

The level five challenge involves flicking raisin boxes out from underneath soda bottles, and I'm beginning to wonder how bored the creators of this show have been at various points in their lives to think of such games. Hobbies are everywhere, people. Read a book or something. My hope for humanity lessens when the Angelina of this Brangelina pairing admits that she "loves this game." Not only does she consider this fancy recycling method a "game," but she has "played" it before. Sweet mercy.

As the show moves forward, we learn more details about the couple. Such facts include the fact that he's a probation officer. This makes sense. He's seen people suffer, so now he's trying it himself courtesy his fiancee's soul-grating voice.

As the Y-chromosome of the pair competes in challenge, Guy exclaims "he owns this!" The challenge involves hitting Styrofoam plates with a broom in order to make a marshmallow pop up in the air, which he must then catch in a glass. And yet, his friends laughed when he enrolled in "The Effects of an Accelerating Broom on Styrofoam" and "Marshmallows, Wind Resistance, and You" during his time in school.

With the next challenge, it's revealed that Mr. Probation Officer "is greatness" when it comes to the ancient art of shoe-tossing. How can parents not be proud of a kid with such skills?*

*Then again, the successful shoe toss just earned the couple $125,00... Apparently I need to start practicing.

In debating whether or not to go for $250,000, the annoying chick says "It's amazing for something like this to happen to someone like me," for the second time. I assume she is utilizing the "someone like me" qualifier to reflect the fact that she's a middle class citizen. Unfortunately, after listening to her speak for an hour, I might use it to cover a different quality; something more Carrot Top-ian.

After the longest series of minutes of my life, I'm left wondering what might be less impressive than competing on this show.

...Oh yeah, probably writing about it.

D'oh.

Message to all graduates

The Writings' inspirational message to all graduating this weekend:

If modern storytelling has taught us anything, it's that - no matter how awkward you might have been as a kid - if you work really hard you can someday live out your dreams of pulling an obese man in a sled. Good luck.

Law & Oh Dear

I read today that NBC is canceling "Law & Order." It was at this time that I grew very concerned that NBC is shutting down. After all, beyond a quartet of great Thursday evening comedies and "Saturday Night Live", I'm not sure NBC airs any programming other than "Law & Order."

I've since come to understand that it is only the original "Law & Order" that is folding. The rest of your favorites will keep pumping out great new episodes, so be ready for great new programming on shows like:

- Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
- Law & Order: Criminal Intent
- Law & Order: Trial By Jury (what do you mean this was canceled five year ago?)
- Law & Order: Los Angeles (what do you mean this show doesn't start up until the fall?)
- Law & Order: Cincinnati Bengals Locker Room
- Law & Order: Prosecuting Drunken Hillbillies
- Awl & Roerd: Catering to Dyslexics
- Law & Order: You Tore the Tag Off Your Mattress
- Law & Order: Tattletale Division
- Law & Order: Broadcasting Games Without the Expressed Written Consent of Major League Baseball

The People's Post

As snow blows with the force of a behind-schedule UPS truck outside my window, "celebrities" appear on my television reading corny jokes from teleprompters and shouting "what's up" in effort to draw crowd reaction. This can only mean one of two things: either I'll soon see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse galloping through my parking lot or it's time for the People's Choice Awards.

Millions of people all over the nation vote to determine the winners of these awards. How do my opinions stack up with those of the nation at large (or at least those that actually care about the People's Choice Awards)? How out of touch am I when it comes to what's hip*? There's only one way to find out. It's time, once again, to pay entirely too much attention to pointless television and comment about it in a location that few will ever read it. Sounds productive to me.

*Case in point: who still uses the word "hip"?

Favorite Comedy Movie
The People's Choice Award nominees for Favorite Comedy Movie are He's Just Not that Into You, Bride Wars, 17 Again, The Proposal, and The Hangover. I consider myself a huge fan of comedy motion pictures, yet I have seen just one of these movies. Why? Because I'm not a 13-year-old girl. If our society has any chance of surviving much longer, The Hangover must win.

Winner: The Proposal
Folks, this is not a good start. Granted, I may have spent most of 2009 dateless (cue sympathy from reader... followed by pity) and therefore avoiding date movies completely, but even if I had company, I would have a hard time placing that movie in my DVD player without first ramming a toothpick into my retina. Something tells me that might end the evening early.

---
Either my DVR just had a glitch or the CBS profanity censor just bleeped out the second syllable of Cate Blanchett's last name prior to a preview of the new Robin Hood film. Holy chett!
---

Favorite R&B Artist
I have no opinion whatsoever in this category. I only mention it because the folks in charge of this whole program decided that the country group Rascal Flatts should present the award. This makes about as much sense as having me present an award for tightrope walking.

Winner: An awkward speech by Mariah Carey.

Favorite TV Comedy Actor
Nominees: Alec Baldwin, Skinny nerd from Big Bang Theory, Emilio Estevez's brother, Steve Carell, Doogie Howser
Time to redeem yourself, people. Pick Steve Carell as The Office's Michael Scott.

Winner: Score one for Derek, as Mr. Carell wins it.

---
Jeff Probst comes out to announce that the next season of Survivor will be heroes versus villains. For a moment I get a little excited to see people like Hulk Hogan, The Joker, Michael Corleone and Benjamin Linus battling to be the one true survivor. Then I watched the preview. Titles are misleading.
---

Favorite TV Comedy
Nominees: The Big Bang Theory, The Office, Desperate Housewives, Two and a Half Men, How I Met Your Mother
Apparently the nominating committee was comprised of my sister and my sister alone, as three of her favorite shows are listed. I make it a point to watch exactly one of them. If The Office doesn't win, it's a crime against humanity.

Winner: The Big Bang Theory
I've discovered that when it comes to the word "comedy" I apparently interpret a much different definition than most people. You see, I expect to laugh at a comedy... Crazy idea, I know.

---
Christian Slater appears, but it's not to announce a sequel to the cinematic masterpiece that was The Wizard. I've lost interest.
---

Favorite Drama Actor
Nominees: Well, they have this one wrong from the start. Matthew Fox is the nominee from Lost, even though he's not the best actor on the show. Michael Emerson or Terry O'Quinn should have been the pick, and either would win. Lost is the best show on TV, after all*. Nonetheless, of the options given, if Matthew Fox doesn't win, Kiefer Sutherland should.

*This is not a debatable point.

Winner: Hugh Laurie's British accent that he doesn't use when acting.
This travesty falls on the nominating committee.

---
For a category I'm not mentioning as I have no vested interest, Sandra Bullock just won an award. She's been on stage twice tonight. If there was ever a time to greenlight Speed 3: The Rickshaw Rolleth, this is it.
---

Favorite Action Star
Gerard Butler, Vin Diesel, Shia Labeouf, Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman
I'm fine with any pick as long Diesel doesn't find his way to the stage in fast or furious fashion.

Winner: Not Diesel.
Whew.

---
Wolfboy* from the Twilight film wins Favorite Breakout Movie Actor. He says his People's Choice Award wouldn't have happened without "the people." He also wins the award for Most Obvious Statement. Congratulations!

*Is his character's name really Wolfboy? I have no clue. Will I bother finding out? Nope. He's just living in Teen Wolf's shadow, anyway.
---

Because DiGiorno is apparently "the people's pizza," slices are now being delivered to folks in the PCA audience. This show is about to earn the award for Loudest Collective Shout of "Oh Sweet Mercy!" After Burning the Roof of One's Mouth on Molten Hot Cheese.
---

The evening ends with Johnny Depp winning awards for Favorite Actor and Actor of the Decade. Apparently I missed the category for Favorite Blog Containing the Words "Writings" "Derek" and "Larson." Stupid TV.

A Title Gone Wrong

The Discovery Channel is currently showing a program called, "Explosions Gone Wrong."

Is there a good way for explosions to "go right"?

I plan on watching simply to see if Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, or Wile E. Coyote make an appearance.

One more thing...

Am I the only one who has a problem with the title "America's Got Talent"?

Sure, I think America has talent, but it never seems to show up in this show. I'd like to suggest that the network rename the show, "America's Got Talent, It's Just Nowhere Near this Show."

In the department of endorsements I should not attempt to comprehend...

Steve Wilkos is featured on a commercial for a company called Gold Rush. Much like the appropriately named "Cash 4 Gold"*, this company will pay you money (I assume it's even American currency) for all that annoying gold that gets in your way and makes your home look trashy.

*Did you know they'll pay cash for your gold? It's true!

Connecting the dots to determine the logic behind this endorsement is kind of like trying to figure out how The Pacifier made over $113 million dollars at the box office. Both serve as excellent scenarios to be depicted on a flash card for the term "mind-boggling."

For those that are not familiar with Mr. Wilkos, he was once the head of security on The Jerry Springer Show. When arguments about the true identities of a baby's daddy would erupt into all-out brawls - complete with chair tossing and censor-stressing language - Steve would appear out of nowhere, get someone in a full-nelson hold, and then attempt to pull their heart from their chest, Temple of Doom-style.* Big and bald, Steve became a fan-favorite, drawing hordes of cheers and chants of his name whenever he would get in the midst of a conflict. He was such a hit, that many people** wondered why the folks advertising Mr. Clean didn't take a hint and have the animated mascot begin attacking child-support dodgers in commercials for the cleaning product. It would have guaranteed a boost in sales.

*I may have made that last part up.

**In this case, "many people" refers to the author and... well... okay, just the author.

At some point, Steve earned his own talk show hosting gig. Luckily for Mr. Wilkos, he was able to spread figurative wings, and was not saddled with a shoddy knock-off of The Jerry Springer Show. No, instead dealing with topics like "My anorexic, cross-dressing, communist son has a drinking problem" his show deals with more serious topics... Okay, I actually have no idea what Mr. Wilkos' new(ish) show deals with, as daytime television often eludes me. A quick look at the website has given me a little taste, though. According to the ticker, I should call the show if I "know a teen that is roaming the streets," if I "need Steve to let someone have it," or if I "need help with an unsolved murder." Unfortunately, it provides a different phone number for each situation. As a result, I'm unsure what number to call to since I need Steve to let a teen roaming the streets have it because they are hiding information concerning an unsolved murder.

Now, it seems Steve has turned his talk show success into a quality endorsement opportunity. Why not? Egging people on to sell their gold seems like a natural transition from breaking up fights between pimps and prostitutes and facilitating talk show topics like "My obese, transvestite caddy can't read a green*", doesn't it? He's gone from serving as the muscle in some of the least civilized confrontations ever filmed to serving as a front man for something that seems like a swindle concocted by a certain Dutch super-villain. . (He loves go-ooooold.) That's only natural, right?

Right?

*This topic may not have been covered yet, but it's coming soon. It's a serious issue.

Could you use it in a sentence, please?

It's a big night in Washington D.C. Eleven kids who are, most likely, too smart for their own good, are competing for the title of National Spelling Bee Champion. It's a night that combines the socially awkward, those that read the dictionary for fun, and one 13 year old who can grow a better mustache than I can. In other words, it's great TV.

On this night, one question you'll often hear is, "Can you use it in a sentence, please?" Because the words volleyed at these youngsters are used in everyday speech about as often as the lyrics to "Rico Swuave," I'll attempt to place some of these spell-tastic mind-benders into sentences that would help any potential champ. After all, here at The Writings, we're all about learning.

Pogonip - a dense winter fog containing ice particles.
When the author talks to those of the female persuasion, it's not rare for him to receive glares as cold as a pogonip.

Ophelimity - economic satisfaction.
According to advertisements, the ABC show "Un-broke" is supposed to lead to ophelimity, but my guess is that it's a bunch of mularkey.

Geusioleptic - having or characterized by pleasant flavor.
The geusioleptic BK meal I just consumed would have been even better if those in the kitchen would have taken a break from trying to figure out how the ketchup gets in those tiny packets, and actually had it ready in under 15 minutes.

Wipeout - ABC's ripoff of a Japanese show that isn't near as entertaining as the original.
Yeah, that was was actually just an ad, but the definition is still accurate.

Goombay - form of Bahamian music and a drum used to create it.
Goombay may sound fun at first, but then you realize it's not a little mushroom-looking foe from Super Mario Bros.

Becquerel - a unit of radioactivity, equal to one nuclear decay per second.
After listening to spelling words all evening, my mind felt as if it were suffering from the results of becquerel.

Schizaffin - characterized by slender build and slight muscular development
I didn't think any of the words used tonight would describe the meager results of my years of avoiding weightlifting... Then they tossed out schizaffin.

A New Standard

A pair of very astute (read: related to me) readers recently clued me into a television show they think I have been missing out on. Being (the only?) two readers of these Writings, they are well aware of how much I enjoy horrible television. It's an interest that helped lead a series of "Bad Movie Nights" among my roommates in college. (No, believe it or not, those did not impress many of the female variety.) These days, it leads to an odd sense of excitement whenever I come across a new Sci Fi Original movie. This new program, they promised, would assuage my appetite for barely watchable television.

By now, you're curious (unless "you" suggested I watch the program... and we have already established that, odds are, you did... Well, pretend to act surprised.), just what television show could this be. Well, the title pretty much gives you a valid first impression - MTV's Bromance.

Let's join it in progress...

The opening- Apparently becoming Brody's "bro" is the "ultimate challenge." (Take that astronauts, firefighters, cancer researchers, and others who thought you might be making a difference. )I also learned that Brody has a self-described "sick-ass pad." The adjectives "lame-ass" and "hot-ass" are also tossed in... I think I can feel my brain trying to ooze out my ears to end this misery already.

3-minutes in- The four finalists (two guys who sound like they got lost on their way home from Fenway park; a short and somewhat nerdy (cough*pot, meet kettle*cough) kid, and a Nigerian nursing student) are headed to meet Brody at a spa... Quite an impressive premise. I'm pretty sure this could be a script for a feature film. Amazing.

4-minutes in- Brody (real name: Sam Brody Jenner... What, Sammance doesn't have the same ring as Bromance?) has a prank going on the potential "bros" where he's going to have them wear some "lame-ass" jeans (featuring sparkles, rhinestones, flower designs and patches of unicorn fur*) out on a red carpet... My mind is overloaded with potential comments here, but I think my main question is, "What in the name of the decathalon has Brody Jenner done to be somewhere with a red carpet gathering? Are they just going to hang out in a carpet store for a bit?"

*I may have made one of those up.

After the first commercial break- Fresh off a very awkward waxing session at the spa, it's time for these four misguided souls to try on their fancy new jeans. The end result looks like some odd combination of The Village People and the Fabulous Freebirds.

Although every contestant vying to be the groupie of a guy with no talent hates the look of these ridiculous outfits, the first three compromise their values (and self-respect... and argue against the idea that they're anything but rhinestone-studded sheep) and tell Jenner that they really like the look. Bro #4 seemingly has a religious experience after witnessing his reflection while wearing jeans tight enough to make Richard Simmons blush and riding lower than most tricycles. He proceeds to change his clothes (and provide hope for mankind).

Back from break #2- Brody convinces his actual "homies" (two non-competing friends) to help out with the prank and also dress up like guys in their 20s who accidentally did their shopping in the petite girls section at The Gap... It's good to know that Brody doesn't have to have a contest everytime he wants a friend, but he may reach that point if he keeps having his friends do this stuff.

Bro4 loses any chance he had at earning my respect, as he goes back on his comments against the Little Miss Brody collection and wears the sparkly wardrobe to the red carpet event. Soon after, all potential bros do their best Bruce Lee impersonations on the red carpet, showing off some kung fu actions and generally looking absurd. If one hadn't figured out by now that these guys might not be the greenest trees in the forest, this revelation becomes abundantly clear when none of them question why the "red carpet" in question appears to be little more than some red wrapping paper rolled out on the ground. Other clues that might have alerted a competent person that something was awry include the fact that there was no one else on the red carpet... at all. It was a couple fake "media" folk and that's it.

Back from break #3- The cat is out of the bag and the "funny-ass" prank is revealed. An abundance of fake laughter follows and I suddenly feel like I missed a really funny joke... Then I remembered what I was watching. Bro4 apparently wins this challenge, since he was "real," and gets to wear clothes that wear slightly less ridiculous during a night on the town. Bros1-3, on the other hand, are off to put the moves on some single (probably) ladies while dressed up like Miley Cyrus fans.

32 minutes in- Bro4 continues to do his best to cement his spot as one of the most ridiculous people ever, saying he's not on Bromance to compete and win, but to find friendship. Isn't that kind of like bow-hunting to find a pet?

Back from break #4- It's time for another challenge. Brody invites the guys over individually to spend some time with a couple models from Playboy. Apparently social awkwardness is a requirement for being a "bro." Being a veteran of socially awkward situations, I can sniff such situations out, even through television. Believe it or not, intelligent conversation is not prevalent during this portion of the show. While watching this painful scene, I once thought I may have heard, "So what do you think of Obama's cabinet selections?" but it turns out it was just a drawn out utterance of the word "dude."

Back from break #5- The short, nerdy potential bro (SNBP, as we'll affectionately call him) wins the challenge and spends some time with the girls in a hot tub as a result. Remember the last paragraph when we were talking about social awkwardness? Strike that from your memory, as this pretty much renders the term "socially awkward" moot. I think it's now called SNBP.

The elimination takes place at the counter of a Chinese restaurant, and Brody begins it by saying that he wanted the guys to experience "all the BS" in Hollywood in the challenges that day(?... week? This program is so bad I have lost any notion of how time is passing. For all I know, an electro-magnetic storm could have enveloped my home in negatively-charged energy and I could be traveling backward through time*)... I wonder if he's talking about the fact that someone with no discernable talent is labeled a celebrity and has people who appreciate empty lifestyles lining up to be his friend... That Hollywood BS?

*I am no physicist... I pretty much pieced words together there. If it makes no semblance of sense, I apologize.

Back from break #6- The elimination proceedings are in full force and SNBP claims that the two potential bros with thick New England accents have formed a clique. Insert dramatic music here. (Then insert a montage of all the different Boston accents you can think of. Then insert one of them as my replacement to view this show next week.) Things carry on, and the elimination is down to the Boston bros. It's like we're in the middle of a Damon-Affleck movie. The show ends with the loser being tossed out of the restaurant and losing his opportunity at "Bromance."

Little does he realize he now has a chance to actually do something with his life.

Another Evening with Ms. Sony

I just saw a television commercial for a prescription drug during which the following message flashed on the bottom of the screen: "See our ad in Home Cooking magazine.*" Is this really the best way to get people interested in your product? By giving them an assignment? Such ridiculousity** seems like an excellent start to yet another evening with Ms. Sony.

*Magazine name changed to protect the innocent... or because I can't remember it.

**It can be a real word if enough people accept it.

7 p.m. - CBS
It's time for Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, old-school style... Or at least the audio of it. Channel 4 on my television currently seems to be lacking a video feed. How long can one man stare at a blank television as the audio of Rudolph plays through the speakers... Sounds like a challenge.

7:01
This is kind of nice... must be like what life was like when people had to rely on the radio for broadcast entertainment.

7:02
Okay, apparently my eyes have some form of ADD, and I don't think this Pepsi sitting on my coffee table is helping anything. In a desperate attempt to find some sort of activity, they've now focused on the blinking light on my cable modem.

7:03
Whoa, look at that light go!

7:05
What's that? The video feed is back... and with that, my interest is gone.

7:09 - NBC
The Kansas Jayhawks are playing against New Mexico State University. Have I ever mentioned how much I love NMSU? No? Well, I've obviously never written while they've been competing against KU. Kansas is currently up six, the announcers are expressing their man-love for a certain Jayhawk, and I kind of feel like seeing how long I can keep my hand inside the toaster to divert my attention... Better change the channel.

7:15 - WGN
It's The Nutcracker... on ice! Obviously, given my history with frozen water, don't approve of the programming. I also don't understand why putting something "on ice" makes it infinitely more watchable to some people. Ice skating provides pretty much the same maneuverability as rollerblading, yet you don't hear about tickets being sold for The Nutcracker... at Ray's Roller Rink!

7:18 - CBS
When the creators of Rudolph made the young reindeer into the equivalent of an awkward teenager, I like to think they did it to give viewers something to relate to. If anyone reading this is a teen struggling with self-confidence, just remember, if you work really hard you too can someday pull an obese man around in a sled.*

*The Writings, motivating youth to achieve their dreams.

7:24 - Fox Sports
Am I the only one sick of seeing poker on every sports network? Isn't slapjack more of a sport than poker? At least there's a semblance of physical activity. When can I see the World Spoons Championship on ESPN?

7:26 - MTV
A 22-year-old named Vanessa is competing to be Paris Hilton's BFF. That's right, a cute female with a ton of her life in front of her is "competing" on a reality show to be the best friend of someone who is in the public eye only because her family has more money than Scrooge McDuck. Instead of having a chance of leading a normal life, she's been sucked in to the absurd "reality" that is Hollywood. It's time like this that I curse the inventor of the television.

7:31 - TLC
It's Jon & Kate plus 8. I can't make fun of this show... I actually like it. This is what a reality show should be. It doesn't involve shallow characters, stupid contests, or people continually trying to get wasted and score. It just gives you a peek into INTERESTING lives.

7:38 - truTV
A woman recounts the story of her husband being struck by lightning. Seconds later, the name of the program flashes on screen. The title? Most Shocking.
... I guess it's fitting... but good grief.

7:45 - A&E
The censor with his finger on the bleep button earns his paycheck on Dog the Bounty Hunter. After having a civil conversation (a.k.a., a volley of swear words that would make Dave Chappelle and the 1980s version of Eddie Murphy blush) with a distinguished (read: inebriated) individual, Dog treks off to find someone, but to no avail.

7:51 - Cartoon Network
It's Sinbad... but not the good one. This cartoon sailor has nothing on the comedian that hasn't really been relevant since the '90s.


...


We're back after a brief* intermission**. One that interrupted my Sinbad thought, which is a punishable offense in some states.

*Painfully long and nearly requiring the aid of Dog's bleeping censor.

**Writerspeak for a reminder that my laptop operates as reliably as a remote control constructed out of Playdough and jelly beans


8:14 - CMT
Once again, the word celebrity is being tossed around haphazardly. This time, the culprit is Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. When I see Dustin Diamond, Danny Bonaduce, and Butterbean, I can't say I'm star struck. On top of that, the wrestling "trainers" include Brian Knobbs and Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, who were never really known for their in-ring expertise. It seems the title should be changed to Hulk Hogan's Semi-notable Championship Jobbing.

8:21 - CBS
In case you were wondering, Ladies Love Cool James... That's right it's LL Cool J. Unfortunately, it's not in a program that involves Samuel L. Jackson being eaten by a shark in one of the oddest film events I've ever seen. Now he's basically just setting me up for disappointment.

8:25 - QVC
A woman is showing off how effective a vacuum can be in cleaning couch cushions, and mentions cleaning up after her dogs. She demonstrates on a cushion so caked with muck that looks as if it was recently excavated from an Egyptian tomb. Granted, the vacuum does a marvelous job in cleaning the cushion, but I'm a little concerned about the lady's dog at this point. What the heck is this mutt involved in if it's getting cushions that dirty?

8:33 - CNN
A commercial for a Barack Obama "victory plate" just mentioned how it features his "kind eyes." This begs the question, can other body parts exhibit personality traits. Someone may have "kind eyes," but what happens if they have "wicked ears?" What about "stubborn elbows?" I'm getting worried, and I haven't even brought up "lackadaisical lovehandles."

8:40 - Vh1
Young MC's "Bust a Move" is the current subject of dissection. I really enjoy the song, but there's one thing I've never understood. If my best friend Harry, has a brother Larry, and in five days he's going to marry, I know I'll make it there if I can, but why in the ceremony would I be the best man? After all, Larry isn't my best friend... Shouldn't he choose his brother for such an honor? Is there a riff between the two? Did Harry once date Larry's bride-to-be, and they're trying to avoid awkward situations?
... Should this type of stuff keep me awake at night?

I apologize to those readers unfamiliar with '90s hip hop. Odds are, you are wondering what the heck that last paragraph meant... Then again, odds are, this isn't this first time a Writing hasn't made any sense.

8:52 - TCM
I'm not sure what classic film this black-and-white motion picture is, but some guy with the largest nose I've ever seen just passed away in a dark alley... There's really nothing more to it than that... The guy's schnozz was just ridiculously large... It seemed notable at the time.

9:00 - CBS
A performance by Usher rings in the 2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. This program really provides no redeeming value whatsoever... Other than the fact that it contains nothing but scantily clad models and occasional bits of horrendous acting.

... This is a great show.

I'm #1

It's true, ladies and gentlemen. I'm number one.

I'm the best.

I'm the tops.

Those who speak Spanish might call me "numero uno."

Others might refer to me as "da bomb*," "the shizzle**," or "the cat's pajamas***."

*If they have time-traveled from 1997.

**If their name rhymes with "doop snog."

***If they are... trying to start a small business where they sell feline sleepwear.

Please don't jump to the conclusion that I've begun sailing in the great ship of narcissism (especially because it doesn't catch much wind with mirrors used as sails), I'm simply speaking the truth.

Don't believe me? Check this out.

That's right, a simple Google search for my name along with the word "fool" lists this very blog as the top result. Thus, it's clear that in the all-seeing eyes of Mr. Google (as far as I know, he has not earned his doctorate), I am the most foolish of all Derek Larsons.

I'm currently in the process of adding this to my resume.

Granted, some (including Google) may say that the listings of search results should not be used as any sort of scientific measuring stick or ranking system (or cough suppressant, but that seems obvious), but that sounds like the talk of those in the corporate world trying to keep me from taking my rightful spot as the most foolish of all those who share my name. Like King Arthur receiving Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake or the most rotund of all the Lost Boys, Thud Butt, receiving leadership responsibilities from Peter Pan at the end of Hook, I have earned this title and will not take it lightly.

Now that I know where I stand in relation to all others that don my name as if they've raided my personality, it seems natural to wonder what others are doing with my 11-letter moniker that begins with 'd.'

Google (an anagram for "ego log"... somewhat fitting) brings forth information on several Derek Larsons - most of whom I'm 98.9-percent sure are not me. At the top list is an assistant professor of history and environmental studies. I do not have a business card listing such as my form of employment (and this guy has a beard, while I could not even grow one if Abe Lincoln and Grizzly Adams were offering me membership in the Benevolent Order of the Folically Rich Faces), therefore I can conclude that this DL and I are not the same person.

Using the logic of this blog, the fact that he is atop the search listings for "Derek Larson" must mean he is the most important of all DLs. Is this a shot to the ego? For some, possibly.

For me, no.

After all, if you're a single 20-something who writes endlessly about trivial matters, odds are your ego has been beaten down to a nearly unrecognizable point through the years. Sadly, mine has been on life support since the days when I enjoyed chicken patties (on buns!) in the elementary school cafeteria (/old gym).

But enough about me... lets talk about people who share a name with me. There's a Derek Larson that is a web designer. There is another that is a conceptual artist. There's even one who has put himself out there in the world of YouTube. (Please note: not all who sport my name condone combining fire with flatulence. Play smart, kids.)

No matter what these folks are doing, even if they're crafting canoes out of limestone, one fact remains: there may be 8,510 search results for "Derek Larson," but there's only one atop the list of "Derek Larson" + "fool."

I'm #1.

Must-See TV?

I pay much more than I'd like to for cable television. I am provided proof of that very statement every month when it's time to write the check for the cable bill. Signing my name leaves me feeling like an aardvark shot in the side with a pellet gun - a little sore, and pretty unhappy*.

*This statement is actually a guess as to how I think an aardvark might feel if shot with a pellet gun. I have never actually met an aardvark who had been shot with a pellet gun, and even if I had, I'm not sure how it would have conveyed its feelings on the subject of the shooting to me.

With the cost of this programming, you might think finding quality entertainment on something like a Tuesday evening would not be difficult. Yet, had it not been for a Royals game this evening, I would have been flipping through channels like some sort of electrified flipping machine. Naturall, it's time for a quick rundown of the junk that passes for entertainment on a Tuesday night.

NBC - America's Got Talent --- a.k.a, NBC's Got an American Idol Ripoff
If David Hasselhoff determines who has talent and who doesn't, I fear for the future of our nation.

ARTS
It looks to be some sort of ballet about barbarians of the Ghengis Khan sort... Or maybe it's historical narrative. I guess I have no evidence that the Mongols conquest of the Jin Dynasty did not happen with dancing, prancing, and mincing.

Insert name of news station here
Subjects of tonight's top stories... A-Rod/Madonna, Angelina Jolie, some lawsuit surrounding the Pedegg (an egg-shaped device used to remove dead skin from your feet, naturally), and Hulk Hogan... Aren't we currently involved in international conflict and dealing with a struggling economy? When did CNN and company turn into Entertainment Tonight?

ESPN2
Some sort of dog competition is on... If ESPN is "The Worldwide Leader in Sports," does that mean ESPN2 is "The Worldwide Leader in Crap That Has a Competitive Element, But Definitely Is Not a Sport"?
I am fully expecting to change to ESPN2 at some point in my life and happen upon "The World Staring Contest Championship," complete with a timer in the corner of the screen, idiotic commentary, and pointless sideline reporting from someone serving more as eye candy than as a source of information.

MTV
Could it be anything other than a crappy reality show?
Nope.

A&E - CSI Something or Other
This is one of the best shows on television? Honestly?
The reenactments on When Animals Attack may have better acting.

ABC Family - America's Funniest Videos
Hey, a guy got hit in the groin and a fat guy fell over... Hey, a guy got hit in the groin and a fat guy fell over... Hey a guy got hit in the groin and a fat guy fell over... (please repeat for 30 minutes).

SciFi - Vampires Los Muertos
A movie on SciFi starring acting sensation Jon Bon Jovi and featuring a special effects budget that would trump most high school plays?
I take it all back. My cable is worth it.


---Please note: In the writing of this blog, several channels were omitted from my listing. This was not done with the intention of labeling these stations as homes of quality programming. A complete list of stations that contain a majority of quality programs will be included in an upcoming blog titled, "TV, in Six Letters."

Stating the Obvious – Observations from a KC double-dip

I have two TVs hooked up just feet from each other in my apartment.

Such an idea may bring some sort of flashy set-up, the likes of which a professional athlete or a rapper might have, complete with a Scarface poster on the wall. I assure you, such is not the case. My secondary television (TV2, as it’s affectionately referred to in the DLBP (Derek Larson bachelor pad)) is a tiny 13-incher that may be as old as the freshmen preparing to attend K-State next week, and has a few quirks to it, as well (occasionally it doesn't turn off... big deal).

Despite it’s inadequacies, TV2 makes nights like tonight wonderful. The Kansas City Chiefs are seeing pre-season action on ESPN, while the Royals will battle the Rangers on RSTN. No channel flipping here, as I can now view both at the same time… and because I’m no slacker when it comes to pointless multi-tasking, I’m going to log the events of the evening, as well (and blatantly rip off a Bill Simmons idea in the process)… Sometimes I even amaze myself.

7:08 – Former Chief Trent Green starts out 0-2 passing, tossing one pass too short, and having the second dropped by his tight end… Missing Tony Gonzalez yet, Trent? Actually, despite his wearing of the uniform brought to fame by Ray Finkel, I hope Green plays well tonight. It’s hard to root against a guy who is probably the second-greatest QB in Chiefs history.
The third-down conversion is not successful, and the Dolphins punter gets some work… Get used to hearing that phrase this season, Miami fans.

7:11 – After looking inept on a play in which he was sacked, QB Damon Huard finds the aforementioned Gonzalez for a first-down… Huard and competitor for the starting spot
Brodie Croyle should probably both buy Gonzalez BFF pendants.

7:14 – Chiefs rookie kicker Justin Medlock misses his first field goal attempt in Arrowhead Stadium… meanwhile, Herman Edwards must be wondering if Morten Andersen has plans for the next few months.

7:17 – ESPN shows the replay of the hit Green suffered his concussion on last season. Yikes. I still think that should have a parental warning before it.

7:20 – My second-round fantasy pick in one of my three fantasy football leagues, Ronnie Brown, has picked up the last 3 first downs for Miami. Normally, this would provide me some comfort knowing he’s looking good for the upcoming season, but I just realized I am in three fantasy football leagues… I think they may have support groups for people like me.

7:29 – I realize that all may recent writings have focused on things I watch on TV… I do other things, too… I swear… I work, I socialize… I even went grocery shopping earlier tonight…

7:32 – Huard has runningback Michael Bennett open in the flat on third down, but tosses the ball over his head… meanwhile, Herman Edwards may be searching for Rich Gannon’s phone number.

7:34 – Cleo Lemon steps in at quarterback for Miami, and thoughts of a dessert made by a TV card-reading fortuneteller spring to my mind. “Call me now for this wonderful recipe.”

7:36 – I realize it’s hard to convey a Jamaican accent via a written medium.

7:37 – The Royals game has now begun, with Esteban German leading off for KC… I love you, TV2.

7:41 – Dolphins kicker Jay Feely gives the fish (I know, they’re mammals… back off) a 3-0 lead. Does this mean the Chiefs’ offense is more feeble than the Dolphins’… oh dear.

7:44 – Two TVs, two commercial breaks at the same time. Don’t TV programmers realize forcing me to think for myself is dangerous?

7:45 – I wonder how many grapes I can fit in my mouth at once…

7:46 – Whew, the glory of televised competition has returned to both screens… Take it easy, brain.

7:48 – Damon Huard just threw a pass after crossing the line of scrimmage by a good three yards. Maybe Brodie Croyle should come down with a “stomach virus” so he can win the QB job by default.

7:51 – Mark Grudzielanek makes an eye-catching diving stop to retire a Ranger batter. He’s definitely the best second-baseman with 12-letters in his last name that the Royals have ever had.

7:57 – So far tonight, the Royals have outscored the Chiefs 1-0… If the Royals are still ahead at the end of the night, I may be worried.

7:58 – Lemon takes the lead in the “worst pass of the night” category, missing his intended target by a good 10 yards. With Croyle’s whirling-dervish interception from last week replaying in my head, I certainly won’t go as far as to say that he has the award locked up.

8:05 – Croyle starts his effort with three consecutive completions. Meanwhile, Herman Edwards may be praying that the young Alabaman doesn’t thrown an interception, so that he can name Croyle as the starter and handcuff a clipboard to Huard’s wrist.

8:08 – Chiefs receiver Chris Hannon jukes his way into the endzone, giving the Chiefs a significant edge over the Royals… Thank you.

8:11 – Former Riley County Falcon and K-State Wildcat Jon McGraw comes up with a special teams tackle and does not showboat, showing the superior character that often results from learning at both aforementioned academic institutions… I am certainly not above shameless plugs for my alma maters.

8:14 – After the Chiefs recover a Miami fumble and earn the opportunity to take a bigger lead, Croyle tosses and interception as the result of a horrible read in zone coverage…. Meanwhile, Steve DeBerg may be pondering whether his Tecmo Super Bowl-famed self has what it takes to make a comeback to the league.

8:24 – The Chiefs head to halftime ahead 7-3 before Stu Scott updates us on the latest in the Michael Vick saga… Did you know he was allegedly involved in some sort of dog-fighting ring? Apparently people are really upset about it, too. Yet another under-the-radar story, just like anything involving Paris Hilton, Britney Spears or Lindsey Lohan (I think I have less respect for myself for the mere mention of their names. Because of the acting prowess they show in the world of film, they’re now referred to as “Oscar’s Ladies”).

8:31 – I worry about the difficulty of conveying sarcasm via written medium before remembering that the posterior portion of the parenthetical statement from the previous timeframe is simply too ludicrous to be taken seriously.

8:32 – Baby-faced pitcher Leo Nunez gets Sammy “remember when you liked me in 1998” Sosa to fly out with two runners on to end the third inning. Nunez looks young enough to be pitching in the Little League World Series.

8:37 – I realize it’s pretty ridiculous for one to be talking about how young someone looks when the speaker has personally had his ID checked when purchasing an R-rated movie in the past calendar year… Did I mention I’m nearly 25?

8:40 – It looks like my evening may have just gotten a little longer, as the clouds in the Arlington area have decided burst forth with more moisture than the collective sweat glands at an overweight-and-hairy-nervous-guy convention in an Arizona facility lacking air conditioning. Needless to say, the game has been delayed.

8:41 – I realize that the aforementioned, hypothetical convention is one of the oddest situations I’ve ever typed out.

8:55 – I search for an adequate TV2 fill-in for the delayed-Royals game. The rerun of ‘Royals Insider’ that I’ve already seen just isn’t cutting it…. I swear, I do things other than watch TV… I read. Honestly, I do.

9:00 – Interviewed on the sidelines, Gonzalez says the Chiefs’ coaches will pick the QB that is “consistent and doesn’t turn the ball over.”… I check www.kcchiefs.com to see if the Chiefs have signed John Stockton or Jason Kidd to take snaps.

9:04 – Casey Printers is now at QB for KC, and the announcers speak of his main problem… fumbling snaps from the center. In the meantime, Printers looks sharp making athletic plays, and leading the offense to a potential field goal… I ponder how complicated it would be for a runningback to take snaps and then pitch the ball to Printers each down.

9:08 – Medlock misses his second field goal of the evening, a 38-yarder. As a result, I begin pondering whether Kathy Ireland really learned how to kick field goals for her “Necessary Roughness” role.

9:13 – The rain has subsided and the Royals are back on the field. On cue, a 6-4-3 double play ends the inning… I wonder if Grudzielanek could throw a football like that?

9:19 – Medlock lines up for a 34-yarder… IT’S GOOD!!! With that, the equipment manager on the sidelines sets his “ACME Jersey Name Unstitching Kit” back down.

9:26 – A Dolphin receiver makes an impressive one-handed catch, but the announcers are to wrapped up in a Vick conversation to acknowledge it… sigh… Meanwhile, on TV2, Ranger batter Frank Catalanotto strikes out and slams his bat against the ground… this is replayed three times.

9:30 – A Sportscenter commercial asks if the Vick case is overshadowing the NFL… As a former member of the media, I am aware that the media controls what you see/hear, and what stories become big (see Oscar’s Ladies). Honestly, it’s not a difficult concept. In reality, the commercial should say, “Is the Vick case overshadowing the NFL? Yes, because we’re shoving it down your gullets! Take that, suckers!”

9:37 – I know he’s competing against a bunch of guys that may not have jobs in a couple weeks (e.g., Miami’s 4th-string defense), but Printers looks sharp at QB… and he’s successfully received every snap. This kid may be going places.

9:39 – In a random crowd shot, an RSTN camera focuses on three cute college-age ladies in the Arlington crowd. If I had an award for cameraman of the night, the guy who shot that would get it.

9:40 – I try to figure out where in this world I would ever attain a Cameraman of the Night award to pass along at my own whim.

9:45 – Miami leads KC 11-10 with 16 seconds left, and Miami punting. As the Dolphins punt, Ron Jaworski says playing Huard at QB gives the Chiefs the best opportunity to win right now… The BEST chance to win? I contemplate whether I’d be able to survive a 0-16 season.

9:50 – Printers’ final Hail Mary heave falls incomplete, but he finishes the night 8-10 passing… A wave of depression falls over me, as I realize I currently enjoy watching the Chiefs’ third-string, no-chance-of-starting, quarterback more than the collective Bramon Cruard.

10:02 – Alex Gordon clears the right-field wall to tie the game at 2. With all the negativity that Chiefs’ game brought out, I realize I should probably end this thing on a high note, and the former-Husker probably just provided the perfect opportunity (I also realized I’m getting old, and I want to wind down the evening without a laptop resting on my thigh).

In closing, the Chiefs obviously have work to do, but I really don’t think they’ll go 0-16. The QB situation isn’t ideal in my world, but I also don’t earn millions of dollars for my decisions concerning the gridiron.

… Oh yeah, and I do other things…. Honestly!

Stating the Obvious – Observations while watching RSTN

An examination of this collection of writings shows that it has been much too long since the Kansas City Royals have been a topic of discussion. Such omission is simply inexcusable, as I’ve yet to comment on the sweet swing of Billy Butler, or the bullpen that has turned into a team strength. Tonight, we fix that. Thanks to the wonder of television, we’ll hit the high points as the game goes along.

Royals vs. Yankees, July 25, 2007

Pregame – Big news regarding now ex-Royal Scott Elarton (… wait, it felt really good saying that. Let me try again – EX-Royal Scott Elarton… very nice) as he was released earlier today, after getting hit harder last night than most of Mike Tyson’s early opponents. In examining the move, manager Buddy Bell says that it’s hard to let someone go with high character like Elarton. I know a lot of people with high character… they haven’t been signed to big-league contracts.
Tonight, Gil Meche takes the mound for KC - a team needing a good showing on the mound, after Elarton’s hitting tee impersonation on Tuesday.

Top of the 1st – A pair of runners on base for Alex Rodriguez… not exactly an ideal first-inning situation. Rodriguez hears a chorus of boos on his way to the plate… I guess there must be several Yankee fans in attendance. Rodriguez has 34 home runs. The Royals’ team record for homers in a season is 36… Did I mention it’s July? Fortunately, the best shortstop-playing-third-base in the majors doesn’t get his fly ball out of the infield – two down. A fly-out by Hideki Matsui (a.k.a., Godzilla) ends the threat.

Mid-1st, VH1 – What’cha gonna do when Hulk Hogan heats up leftovers, brotha? Now he’s attempting poetry… After watching Idiocracy earlier this evening, I’m glad the Hulkster could fill my culture quotient.

Bottom of the 1st – Former-Royal Johnny Damon stands in left field for the Yankees. Damon is widely known for having one of the worst outfield arms in the league. In simple terms, the Royals should put up a big traffic light that turns green any time a ball is hit Damon’s direction. In other news, the Royals go down 1-2-3.

Top 2nd – A clip prior to the first batter of the inning advertises the Royals’ new all-you-can-eat seats, showing a man wearing a Calvin Pickering jersey heading toward the concession. Pickering was an overweight first-baseman who could never make it for the Royals… Is there irony in this advertisement?
RANDOM TANGENT REGARDING OBSCURE JERSEYS
A social outing last night resulted in the observation of a guy in his 20s wearing a J.J. Stokes jersey… in public. For those unaware, Stokes was a wide receiver out of UCLA that was hyped to be a future star and the new John Taylor to play opposite Jerry Rice in San Francisco. This was in 1995, and the hype lasted a few seasons, when people realized that being tall doesn’t mean you will be a good NFL receiver. Stokes last played for the 49ers in 2002… so this guy must be hoping for a big-time comeback from the former Bruin… keep waiting.
D’oh… a Melky “don’t call me Milky, I wasn’t in Me, Myself and Irene” Cabrera homer puts the Yanks up 2-0.

Bottom 2nd – A phone call discussing some of the Little Apple’s finest eating establishments of all time (yo queiro Amigos) distracts the author from his writing for a bit, but such subject cannot be tabled once brought up. A pair of Royal runners is stranded when John Buck flies out to deep left field… Stupid lack of wind.

Top 3rd – Either Meche has turned into a street corner human-statue act, or RSTN is experiencing technical difficulties. We’re back to seeing actual live movement (always a good thing in a broadcast sporting event) just in time to see a smooth double-play by Esteban German and Tony Pena, Jr. German may get knocked for his defense at 2B, but his backhand flip there was highlight-worthy. He certainly doesn’t make me long for the Jed Hansen days.

Bottom 3rd – Former third-baseman-now-rightfielder-but-occasional-first-baseman-or-centerfielder Mark Teahen is at the plate, with two out and German on first. He flies out to Abreu in rightfield, obviously just trying to remind himself of where he needs to go play when the Royals are back on defense.

Top 4th – Oh boy, it’s time for the Aflac duck to ask a question, which Paul Splittorff and Bob Davis promptly try to spoil by tossing out all their guesses for the solution. Would Alex Trebek ever toss out possible answers-in-the-form-of-questions on Jeopardy? Give the viewers a chance to think, fellas. Thankfully, they don’t have much time to discuss, as Meche disposes of three Yankee batters in eight pitches.

Bottom 4th – Billy Butler leads off the inning, batting in the cleanup spot. The 21-year-old is well on his way to cementing himself as the best hitter on the roster. Naturally, Butler strikes out this at-bat, because my predictions always backfire. As a result, I decline to comment on the following batter Ross Gload. The result? A double to right-center. Is my rooting the source of all that has plagued the Royals in recent years? I’d consider such an idea more seriously if the image of a lineup with Neifi Perez and Chuck Knoblauch was not imbedded in my mind. Another pair of runners is stranded with Buck at the plate… the Buck stopped there (sorry, I had to meet my bad pun quota).

Top 5th – Paul and Bob were going on and on in pregame about Royals fans being too hard on Elarton, yet they just mentioned that Damon had been to the plate four times by this point in the game last night… Isn’t the mere reference to stats from last night’s contest “being too hard” on Elarton? Meanwhile, Meche tosses another perfect inning.

Mid-5th FOX– Wayne Brady is now hosting “Don’t Forget the Lyrics.” Couldn’t he have just made a series out of his skit on Chappelle’s Show? Or what about the improv with Ryan Stiles? Has that well run dry? Instead he cracks poor jokes while people who shouldn’t make singing a common practice croon Barry Manilow lyrics.

Bottom 5th – A runner on first quickly turns into an inning-ending double play… All while I try to get Mr. Manilow’s lyrics out of my head.

Top 6th – For all the hubbub made of Meche’s contract in the off-season, he’s been a much better value thus far than San Francisco’s $126 million-dollar man, Barry Zito. Naturally, no one could talk of THAT absurd signing in the off-season, because if you mentioned the Giants, you were required to mention any and every word that came out of Barry Bonds’ mouth… Me? Bitter? No…
Ho-hum… Meche feeds on the Yankee batters like a chubby kid eating Oreo pudding at Bonanza.

Bottom 6th – Unfortunately, the KC batters are taking the same route the aforementioned western-themed buffet took in Manhattan. Dropping much too quickly. Gload picks up a two-out double, and outfielder Reggie Sanders follows. Sanders, the subject of multiple trade rumors and veteran currently on his eighth major league squad, singles to score Gload. Somewhere general manager Dayton Moore smiles as the 39-year-old’s trade value increases. A pitching change and an out follow, but the lead has been sliced in half, 2-1.

Between innings – Continued attempts to “Simpsonize” myself are thwarted as the web site is too busy. I just want to get one-step closer to having a Spiderpig… Is that too much to ask?

Top 7th – The natural order of things I root for reminds me that I’ve gotten too cocky regarding Meche’s pitching tonight, as he gives up two hits to start the inning. A sacrifice bunt sees Buck throw out the batter from the seat of his pants… the Buck sits there (I’ll stop, I really will). Melky picks up another RBI before Meche ends the inning. Yanks up, 3-1.

Mid-7th Comedy Central – The South Park episode where the kids get addicted to World of Warcraft is airing. As someone who had heard plenty of the MMORPG (don’t ask) talk while browsing in video game stores, I must laugh at the accuracy of such depictions.

Bottom 7th – Scott Proctor has taken the mound for NY. If he really wants to catch on in the majors, he should start calling himself Lieutenant, and demand that G.W. Harris (a.k.a. Captain Harris) be hired as his pitching coach. After all, we all know that six Police Academy movies were not enough. (NOTE – apparently folks in Hollywood actually believed that, as there was a 7th movie released… thank you for your infinite move wisdom, www.imdb.com).
KC getting runners on first and second leads to Mike Myers (not the Canadian comedian, not the mass murderer, the submarine pitcher) getting the call to the hill. A Teahen fly-out means the Royals have stranded more people than JetBlue tonight (Stating the Obvious – your one-stop shop for timely jokes).

Between innings – Apparently someone named Lindsey Lohan recently got her second DUI… Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either. Thankfully the media never blows things out of proportion.

Top 8th – For the 37th time we’re reminded that Rodriguez and Meche were teammates in Seattle. Meanwhile, I wonder if former Mariner/Royal Mac Suzuki sheds a tear not hearing his name mentioned with his former ‘mates. My pondering notion ends harshly, as Rodriguez wins the battle of the former teammates, pulverizing a baseball beyond the right-centerfield wall. Keep an eye on this Rodriguez kid… I think he may end up making something of himself in this league.
Meche’s night ends, having surrendered five runs, which means his success in the middle innings will be lost in the shuffle. Nevertheless, his outing would look much better if had some semblance of run-support.
Jimmy Gobble faces Mothra’s archenemy, and suffers the same fate as so many extras in the film – a severe crushing. Where in the world is Rodan when you need him?
Looks like Gobble is not the answer tonight, as the Yanks exit the inning with a 7-1 advantage.

Bottom 8th – A number of depressing thoughts drift through my head as I watch Butler and Gload go down to start the inning. The most prominent thought concerns the “kiss of death” I have given Butler by picking him up on both my fantasy baseball teams. I may as well sneak into his locker and replace all his bats with hula-hoops.

Top 9th – The RSTN camera pans to show all the scouts watching KC’s potentially trade-able players… Let’s just say there’s a reason these folks are scouts and not holding roles that are physically demanding. Reliever Octavio Dotel escapes trouble after allowing the first two batters to reach base. The scouts exit upon the end of his appearance. You mean they didn’t come to see reserve shortstop Jason Smith?

Bottom 9th – Mariano Rivera comes on to attempt to close out the 7-1 lead. Luckily, Rivera has never been much in tight situations like this (wow, you can actually FEEL the sarcasm in that sentence). With two outs, Jason Smith makes his name known, dropping a single into left and then swiping second (unopposed). That will show those scouts. The final is 7-1, as David DeJesus ends the game with a roller to first.

My return to Royals writing didn’t turn out to be as rosy as hoped, but I still must stress that the team is headed in the right direction. If the KC offense would end its vow to never give Meche run-support, this game could be completely different. Look for the bats to get going with Kei Igawa and his 6.67 ERA on the mound on Thursday night. And if they don’t? Well, it’s probably my fault.

An evening with Ms. Sony

Watch out world, it’s Saturday night! Some folks may be heading off to the movies. Others might have a dinner date. Others may have a far more crazy night ahead. Me? I just finished “You, Me and Dupree,” (not as funny as I’d hoped) grilled up a burger and a hot dog (thank you, George Foreman), and am now preparing for the wondrous TV lineup that Saturday evenings are known to provide… OK, actually it’s all the crap they throw on, since they figure most people have lives and won’t be watching TV on a Saturday night… Boy, I sure showed them. What follows are the highlights of a night of channel flipping and junk sifting, stationed from the home office – my couch.

7:08 p.m., Spike TV- “When Animals Attack 3” is showing the recreation of an alligator attack on a seven-year-old boy… Nothing about this scenario should be humorous, but the creators of such a masterpiece of television production have decided to cast a 30-year-old man to play the youngster in some of the scenes. I’m not quite sure if it was the size or the 5 o’clock shadow that gave the actor's age away. They may as well have cast a box turtle to play the gator. Instead, the fake alligator they're using is somewhat reminiscent of the inflatable alligator pool rafts. Apparently the creators of the show obviously didn’t realize that, if they used real animals in the reenactments, they could potentially make even more money… Who wouldn’t watch an episode of “When Animals Attack While Filming Episodes of When Animals Attack”?

7:20 p.m., Local Access Channel – Some grade school kids are putting on a program where they sing western-themed songs while wearing cowboy hats and bandannas. Several of them have the glazed look on their faces that you might see in a hostage video, and they’re singing with the enthusiasm of an odontophobic person waiting to get a root canal.

7:36 p.m., ESPN2 – Maria Sharapova is competing against a woman from Japan named Ai Sugiyama. Sharapova just scored an ace with a 111 mph serve. As a result, the eternal question, “Is it possible to be attracted to and afraid of a person simultaneously?” has now been answered.

7:45 p.m., The Disney Channel – Your one-stop shop for horrible acting… Wait, I mean, no, I’d never stop on the Disney Channel!

7:48 p.m., CNBC – Uh oh, the banker just called on “Deal or No Deal.” Howie says the offer will be more than a quarter of a million dollars, before cutting to commercial. My guess is that the banker doesn’t actually exist. When the phone rings, it’s simply people calling up and requesting that Mr. Mandel get Bobby’s World back on the air… Now that was quality television.

7:50 p.m. – Scantily clad women dancing seductively to catchy music right before a children’s toy is advertised? That can only mean one thing - we’re on Univision! I took two years of Spanish in high school, and I’ve recognized exactly one sentence I’ve heard. How’s that for comprehension?

7:54 p.m., BET – Oh boy, it’s the constant hilarity of the Wayans Brothers… This brings only one thought to mind, from the mind of Dave Chappelle. “The Wayans brothers… There’s more?”

8:00 p.m. – Back to Univision for some “Sabado Gigante,” and right in time for some sort of game show segment. It involves numbers… Quatro means four.

8:05 p.m., Animal Planet – A man best described as… well, a fool is walking in a swampy area, feeling for anacondas with his toes. Now he’s just gone in to tackle one, after describing the snake as feeling like an elephant's trunk. Excuse me for a moment as I run to the zoo to feel an elephant’s trunk with my bare foot, thus establishing a point of reference. Shows like this make me glad that my hobbies involve writing and watching TV, as opposed to hunting snakes and planning my own funeral.

8:25 p.m., FX – “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” Take that, kid from the Mac commercials! I’ve seen it so many times, yet it never gets old.

8:30 p.m., ESPN – A quote from Baseball Tonight, “Grady Sizemore, what doesn’t he do?” … Well, hopefully he doesn’t punch war veterans or kick puppies. I know it would be weird to bring that up on the air, but you asked the question.

8:35 p.m., MTV – A kid is singing a horrible song to a crowd at a baseball game, as the crowd members sit uncomfortably… I guess he wants to be “made” into someone who ends up getting booed at Wrigley Field while singing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” They really must be running out of ideas. As a result, I am “made” into a person that continues to grow disgusted with MTV and must change the channel.

8:47 p.m., ABC Family – Holy smokes, it’s Ziggy from “What About Bob?” post-puberty. I always wondered what happened to that kid. Apparently he got to be in a movie with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Seth Green and the Rusty Griswold kid from “Vegas Vacation.”

…

After further examination (and serious thought wondering what in the world my life has become), I’ve discovered that I’ve actually heard of this movie before; it’s “Can’t Hardly Wait.” After the mandatory awkward pause, I realize I can’t hardly wait to change the channel and the subject.

8:55 p.m., CBS – It’s Tom Selleck, but he’s not playing Thomas Magnum…. Boooooooooo! I think some actors should never be able to play new roles after achieving success with a particular one. And has any role been more successful than Thomas Magnum? Channeling my inner Ricky Bobby, I believe “Magnum P.I.” won the award for greatest TV show ever made.

9:01 p.m., TNT – Tom Hanks speaks to his volleyball, Wilson, on “Castaway.” Meanwhile, a baseball with George Brett’s face on it sits on top of my entertainment center. Time to change the channel before I start asking it about the ’85 World Series.

9:05 p.m., ESPN – A commercial with former World Series MVP, and former Royal, Jermaine Dye wearing his White Sox uniform… Urge to punch wall… rising.

9:07 p.m., VH1 – Whoa, whoa, whoa…. Paris Hilton was in jail??? Have you heard about this??? Boy, that story really slipped under the radar. I guess we can all be thankful that the stations dedicated to covering news in our country devote time to stories that really matter, and not the imprisonment of someone who is only known because she was born into money.

(We must pause for a moment while my computer attempts to process the last paragraph. I may have overloaded its sarcasm accepting circuits.)

9:20 p.m., Spike TV – More animal attack action, now featuring actual footage. This time we’re treated to a kangaroo in an Australian backyard, and then a possibly diseased lab monkey that got loose in a suburban neighborhood. Thank goodness the people involved had the foresight to film these situations, as opposed to, you know, HELPING CATCH THE DANGEROUS ANIMALS!

9:34 p.m., MTV2 – An utterly disturbing video by Queens of the Stone Age may have just taken a few years off my life. I guess it’s all part of MTV’s continuing “let’s try to get Derek to skip our channels” campaign.

9:55 p.m., FX – Another great quote from Dodgeball, in FCC-edited fashion, “Freakin’ Chuck Norris.”

10:02 p.m., Food – Iron Chef Cora gets the call on “Iron Chef.” Since this show is almost treated like a sport, should we, as viewers be treated to statistics? I’m curious how many cuts of pork Cora can slice per minute. Seems like this would really open things up for the commentators, as well. The commentary could be upgraded from “pointless drivel” to “pointless, stat-driven drivel.”

Three hours of my life later, what do I have to show for my Saturday evening? A written-account of three wasted hours, and some progress at breaking in my couch. Now I’m off to find a recap of the Royals game (John Buck wasn’t in the lineup and the offense struggled? But Buddy Bell’s boy Jason Larue was in… Urge to punch wall… rising).