Friday, October 06, 2006

Things I don’t understand (part 2 in a never-ending series… because things beyond my comprehension pop up every day): The clothing edition

As you may come to understand from the title, there are some fashions and fads in today’s culture that I consider faux pas (I just punched myself for typing that… Honestly, is there a term that seems more suited for a stuck-up, too-rich-for-their-own-good person than “faux pas?” Just try saying it without feeling like someone named Tabby at a wine-and-cheese party… or anyone on E!).

Anyway, what follows is just a sampling of some of the fashion statements I don’t understand. I’m not saying they’re wrong, or that those who adhere to these trends are bad people (though they very well could be), they are just concepts I won’t abide by (especially in the case of the female clothing).

Flip-flops with long pants
To prove I’m not trying to begin a campaign to get these people run out of the country or put into their own schools, I’m going to start with this style, which is growing more and more common. I have friends who do this… but that doesn’t mean I understand it.

Personally, when I wear long pants (as opposed to short pants, i.e., “shorts”), it is because, 1) the temperature put forth by the current environmental weather conditions is cold enough that I would not feel comfortable wearing shorts; 2) I am in a setting where I do not feel that shorts provide a “dressy” enough appearance (i.e., work, church, wine-and-cheese parties… wait, no…); or 3) I am planning on being in an environmental area in which long grasses are prevalent (like the African savannah) and could potentially leave my legs itchy.

In each of the above-mentioned situations, it would not be plausible to have my legs sheathed but my feet exposed to the elements. I mean, my feet get just as cold as my legs; my feet aren’t particularly attractive, so I would not wish to flash them about in a dressing-up situation; and my feet are just as prone to getting itchy from tall grasses as my exposed legs.

Capri pants
What do you call a pair of pants so short they only reach halfway down your calves? They used to be called “garage-sale material,” but now they’re “Capri pants.” Have we entered an age where the lower-calf-to-sock-line area is something worth flaunting? Is wearing fabric on that area simply too constricting? I honestly don’t know what makes them fashionable, but I’m currently working on a new form of glove on which the only the fingernail area is cut off to take advantage of this craze.

Straw top hats
Granted, in my 24 years, I have seen only one of these… and that was in my time spent as a resident of Central Kansas, but it was simply ridiculous. Imagine a top hat like that worn by Harry and Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber, but completely made of straw. I understand, if worn for comedic value, but the gentleman wearing it was not taking that route. Perhaps this guy was on to something, and in the coming months they will catch on, along with straw tuxedos and rope neckties… frankly, I’m scared.

Sweatbands worn for no reason
The concept of sweatbands makes sense. They soak up sweat, and they are bands of cloth. I have nothing wrong with the donning of sweatbands… if you are running up and down a basketball court or a football field. Seriously, what is the point of wearing sweatbands if you are going to Physics 101? Are everyday activities really that strenuous? As a guy whose sweat glands are more active than most (it’s pretty much impossible to find a good way to describe sweating a lot… I’ve tried), even I know that sweatbands simply aren’t practical in social settings.

What will be the next item Derek does not understand?Philosphy?Elven script?How Damon Huard played so well against the 49ers?Does he even know?Find out down the road (that’s figurative speak… you can’t actually travel down a road to discover it… although that is an interesting idea).