Debate This

It's debate night, and that can only mean one thing*: it's time for unsubstantiated claims.

*Okay, two things. It also means millions around the nation will tune into their favorite network and exclaim, "What's goin' on? It's time for 'So You Think You Can Eat Your Weight in Tacos.'"

That's right, candidates could say pretty much anything without having to worry about the burden of having to provide evidence of such claims. It's the reason news stations and websites now make a point of citing the errors in hours of debate dissection. During the live debate, nearly anything can be claimed as fact as long as someone is willing to argue for it. They could say anything and, odds are, someone out there would believe it.

Such an idea really got me thinking. What type of claims (sans any sense of supporting evidence whatsoever) could candidates make during this town hall meeting? How about:

- The real downfall of the economy is the demise of the sports trading card industry.

- Any Americans named Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have been deported.

- P.D. Eastman's "Go Dog, Go!" contains a coded map leading to treasure meant to bail out the U.S. in times of economic disparity.

- Abraham Lincoln used to hide snacks in his hat.

- The three blind mice were actually anorexic, glaucoma-suffering squirrels.

- A combination of Kroger brand Cheese Puffs and Red Bull is the future of clean energy.

- Alaska was not the largest state in the union until it hooked up with BALCO.

- Global warming can actually be stopped by people setting their air conditioners to lower temperatures.

- Terrorists turn against America because they can't find Nintendo Wii systems anywhere.

- Pork barrels helped make last year's Independence Day barbecue the tastiest ever.

- Back to the Future is based on a true story.

- For a brief period, the two major political parties considered changing their names to the Nation of Domination and the nWo.

- The opposing candidate would not have run if Brett Favre had thrown his hat (helmet) in the race.

 
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Unfortunately, 104 minutes later, none of my suggested unsubstantiated claims were brought up in tonight's debate. Sure, there was talk of the economy, foreign policy, and more, but how can you have a debate without any movie, video game, sports, or professional wrestling references? It's mind-boggling.

At least we have one more debate before the election.

Don't Run A-Fowl of This Candidate

If you have paid attention to any news whatsoever lately, you realize that it's election season. Granted, this "season" seems to grow longer every election*, but political talk is everywhere.

*I believe current plans are for the two major parties to hold their conventions for the 2012 presidential election just minutes after our next president is sworn in on Jan. 20, 2009.

Do I have opinions about the current candidates?

Sure.

Are those opinions going to be the subject of this writing?

There's no chance.

I'm leaving the political commentary to those who get paid to spend hours (and hours, and hours (repeat exponentially)) dissecting every word uttered, every glance given, and every handshake handshook by the current candidates.

No, I'm here to discuss an alternative candidate.

A candidate who would give new meaning to the phrase "ruffling feathers."

This candidate, of course, is... a duck.

A friend of mine mentioned today a book she had read to her young son, titled Duck For President. Imagine that... A duck that runs for president. Now some may lambaste the idea, saying that it's absurd (they obviously forget that we live in the "land of opportunity"), but would it be feasible (keep in mind that the duck is 35 and is a natural born citizen)?

I haven't read the book (and I'm unsure whether or not it's fictional), and I'm trying to steer clear of most of the reviews (in attempt to avoid spoilers), so I'm unsure as to whether the duck actually earned the votes needed to work in the White House. All I know is that I think this is a topic worthy of examination... What would it be like if we, the American people, elected a duck to be president?

Here's what we know...


The gun control policy would be extremely stringent.
This seems rather obvious. Innocent ducks are gunned down all the time in this country. What happens to the shooters? They're celebrated. This duck slaughtering is so glorified, there once was a video game focused on the very subject.
Sorry folks, but you can consider guns as good as banned if Duck is elected**.

**We can safely assume that Duck's vice president would not have any hunting accidents.


There would be deportations.
Who would be sent back to their homelands?
Illegal aliens?
Nope.
People who didn't vote for him?
Wrong again.
It would be rabbits.
To be in the position he's in (top duck), Duck obviously is educated about the world around him. He's been witness to several things... and these things include Looney Tunes cartoons. Duck has seen how one "wascally wabbit" has constantly put roadblocks in the path of a fellow duck's life. Odds are that Duck's judgment on all rabbits would be swift: back to Spain with all of them.


The duck would run as an Independent.
As a veteran of the air, he values left and right wings equally. (Insert drum rimshot here.)


Jobs would be lost.
Are you an employee at a pillow factory? Better update that résumé. President Duck thinks down is for the birds, and he plans to keep it that way. All manufacturers that use feathers will be immediately put out of business.
Unemployment rates be damned, Duck won't stand for down-filled pillows.


American traditions would be re-written.
At elementary schools around the nation, The Pledge of Allegiance is recited at the start of the day. And prior to sporting events, you'll hear The Star Spangled Banner.
President Duck has a few changes in mind.
America's new national anthem? How about We are the Champions? It's the victory song at the end of Duck's favorite movie, The Mighty Ducks after all.
And what happens to the Pledge of Allegiance? Your new pledge is a simple, "quack, quack, quack..."***

***Because President Duck is such a huge fan of the film, we can probably guess the identity of his vice president. Congratulations, Emilio.


Finding alternative energy sources will be a priority... but wind won't be the answer.
Duck loves the outdoors, of course he's going to do all he can to help the environment. That said, Duck won't stand (or sit, swim, or waddle) for bird deaths by wind turbines. He reads**** the reports that mortality rates are exaggerated and that improvements have been made, but as long as a single bird is at risk, President Duck won't back such structures... Like most ducks, he's a stickler for details*****.
Fact is, President Duck would do away with our electricity completely, but he likes the idea of having a heated pool to swim in come wintertime.

****Can a duck read? If you paused for a moment upon reading that, remind yourself that this duck is running for the highest office in our nation, of course it can read.

*****Please note: I have no evidence to support that most ducks a sticklers for details.



Knowing what I do about candidate Duck, would I vote for him?

Again, I must be noncommittal.

While some of his policies seem pretty radical, he certainly does not suffer from the "downfalls" of the current candidates.

He's not an "elitist" liberal and he's not "old" conservative... He's a duck. He has a beak and webbed feet.

He doesn't suffer from "property amnesia"... He's a duck. He knows he owns zero homes.

He's not "the biggest celebrity in the world"... He's a duck, and he's not even the most popular duck referred to in this writing (see: Duck, Daffy).

Like every candidate, there are countless arguments to be made both in favor of and against Duck.

... I guess that's why election season is so long. Good luck choosing your candidate.