Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Stating the Obvious - Observations from the Park

Here's a bit of breaking news*: I am a lazy guy.



*For all intents and purposes, in this space, "breaking news" refers to things that have already been established... over and over again.



There are a number of evenings where walking the 10.2 feet from my couch to my fridge counts as "activity."



Because I oft find myself in a state of such torpor, I'm trying to make it a point to get out and walk or jog through the park when the weather permits. On this very evening, I took a walk around the park, because the weather was very pleasant... and because I really despise jogging.



The nice thing about a trip around the park is that it can be whatever you want it to be. It can be a workout (sorry, not interested); it can be a date (sorry... now I'm depressing myself); or it can be an opportunity to simply observe (we have a winner).



Luckily for my curious eyes, I was presented with a number of intriguing subjects on this trek. What follows is an examination of a few of the members of the roster of fellow parkgoers.



The Tie/Cap Combo Guy-

I'm cheating a bit here, because I actually saw this guy during my walk to the park. Nonetheless, the impression he had was the same.



I do not understand the idea behind wearing a shirt-and-tie, but then topping it off with a baseball cap (a.k.a., dressing business super-casual). My best guess is that he who has adorned himself in such a way is trying to send the message, "Yes sir, I'm all business... but I'm willing to have a catch if you want to."



The only other feasible option I see is that Mr. Super Casual just tossed the hat on to cap off (play on words... yes!) a rough work day. This brings to mind the obvious question, is a baseball cap manufactured with secret materials that promote relaxation and/or fun? (Dejected worker: "Oh my. Work was horrendous. I'm not sure I can take another day of this s-" [cap placed securely on head] "-Wow, life is great! Who wants to go fly a kite?") If one makes it a point to toss their cap on as they walk out the door, doesn't there have to be some sort of explanation for this action? Can someone look into this?



The Casual Walker... IN DISGUISE

I cannot question the thoughts of the casual walker, because if a census were taken where one had to describe his or her reasoning for visiting said park, I would fall in the aforementioned casual walker category.*



*Believe it or not, I do not walk down to the park solely to attempt to drink out of the poor excuse for a water fountain. You know, the one that distributes water that is roughly the same temperature as a cup of coffee that has been sitting long enough for the cream to start smelling, and dispenses it in a manner that most closely resembles a bathtub slowly overflowing.



The mindset that I do not understand is that of the DISGUISED (all capital letters signify your cue to imagine dramatic music (of the 'dun dun dunnnnnnn' sort) playing right after that word) casual walker. Allow me to explain...



For this walk around the park, I dressed in athletic shorts and a T-shirt. Such a wardrobe gives the impression that I could actually be there to work out - That I could actually have sweat beads forming on my forehead because I just finished a jog (instead of having them form as a result of my self-diagnosed hyperhydrosis). It seems that most parkgoers that fall in either the workout or casual walker category will dress themselves (well, hopefully they can dress themselves) in a similar manner.



Nevertheless, upon my arrival at the park I found myself walking being a guy wearing khaki shorts, a cap advertising a store that sells hunting/camping/fishing equipment, and a backpack. Because of his dress, I made the assumption that he was heading home from campus. The fact that he made one left turn on the park sidewalk did little to change my mind... but the second left turn (meaning he was now walking north when he was originally walking south) made me realize that he was on the same journey as me.... He, too, was walking 'round the park in a casual manner. I thought to myself, "Why didn't I wear khaki shorts and a backpack on this walk." Then I remembered that I enjoy being comfortable.



Next time that casual walker goes for a disguise, I hope he at least considers a fake mustache.



The Corner-Cutter

As I've already beaten into submission, several of those who venture to the park do so for either recreational or casual purposes. In either case, the concept of cutting corners seems to make little sense. Nevertheless, I encountered a girl doing just that tonight - choosing to cut across the grass in a diagonal manner once she came within about 10 yards of a corner.



Now, correct me if I'm wrong (I don't know how you can correct me... Do I have to think of everything around here?), but if you were at the park to workout via your own free will and your goal was to walk around the park X times, there would not really be a point to cutting corners and cheating no one but yourself (unless you have a horrible memory... "I'll think I met my goal later on... Sucker!"). On the other hand, if you're walking around the park simply to enjoy the weather/sights/sounds/people driving by and staring at you as if they're at a zoo, then cutting corners seems to make even less sense.



The only reasonable conclusion I can conjure for this female's unwillingness to approach the corners of the park is that, as a child, she once heard someone speak of a dead body being taken to a coroner. Unfortunately, she heard the statement wrong and thought they said "corner." As a result, she developed a phobia relating to any and every corner, thinking that corpses will be waiting for her. Such a fear makes driving difficult ("Another corner???"), geometry impossible, and can even affect the ability to sing children's songs (singing: "My hat, it has three... NOOOOOO!").



This concludes our examination of a few of those you may encounter at the park. Feel free to keep this guide handy upon your next trip.

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