Thirsty?

At the grocery store this evening, I noticed a couple. Both members of this couple had a cart, and each cart contained as many six-packs of soda bottles as one could possibly fit in a grocery cart. Seriously. I'm fairly confident that if the greatest minds in the world of architectural engineering convened at this grocery store, they would not have been able to find a way to get more six-packs of soda in these carts.

The question that immediately came to mind, upon seeing these carts, was, "Why in the world do these two need that much soda?" After much thought, I have decided there are three possible answers.

1. They plan to take the soda to an undisclosed location, remove the labels, and then stick their own labels on them, all in effort to start their own soda company, which they have unfortunately decided to call "I Can't Believe It's Not Dr. Pepper."

2. They're so concerned about children's teeth rotting from sugary soda that they're buying all they can and then pouring the bottles into area rivers, ponds and streams. Sadly, this means we'll soon encounter hordes of deer on caffeine highs and with rotting teeth.  

3. They recently purchased a pet store and they're really interested in testing whether hamsters will explode if they drink highly carbonated beverages.

As I see it, these are the only three possible explanations for buying that much soda.

What do you mean, "They might be having a party"?

... I guess that's possible. But would exploding hamsters really add that much to a party?

People in your Neighborhood - Back to the Park

It's true; we at The Writings have dissected* the sort of folk on might encounter during a lap around their nearest park before. Nonetheless, the wonderful thing about the park is that no two trips are alike. Consider the park-goers encountered in my neighborhood this very evening...

*Not literally.

The guy looking for the gym
Whenever one goes out to do any sort of activity that might be considered exercise (running, walking, biking, army crawling, weightlifting, chasing one's shadow, hiding from gypsies, or spinning until one becomes dizzy), it seems one is always bound to encounter a muscle-bound person that looks like they went to GNC and purchased an Everything Basket. From television and film, I gather some of these Herculean folks think a clever way to impress those of the female variety is to ask them "Which way to the gym?"*

*I have never tried this. Reasons: 1) It's creepy; 2) I have little muscle to speak of; 3) I look younger than my age. So young that the female hearing this query would probably direct me toward the jungle gym... Oooh, monkey bars!

This evening, I encountered such a Hans-and-Franz-ian individual. He walked with a menacing stature, wearing a cutoff shirt to alert everyone that he was, in fact, strong. Sadly for this fellow, the "Which way to the gym?" question would not have worked out well, as he was carrying two dumbbells with him on his stroll. Some might say this is a method to help gain strength as one walks. I like to think he left the gym and forgot how to get back.

"No, seriously, which way to the gym? They know I have these dumbells and I don't want to have to pay for them."


The guy looking for the fridge
The title of this one is misleading. I'm not referring to any folks that might be large in stature and candidates for the next season of The Biggest Loser. No, the man I'm referring to looked like a refrigerator repairman. This silver-haired gentleman enjoyed his evening constitutional while wearing a dirty t-shirt, dirty jeans, and aviator sunglasses that have surely been around since the last time they were in style. I cannot confirm that he had a wrench in his back pocket, but as he meandered around the park's perimeter, he almost seemed like he was searching for something - something like the house he was supposed to be completing a service call at.


The guy with a tattoo in an unfortunate location
As I journeyed around the municipal recreation area, several joggers zipped past me at different times. Did I feel silly sauntering down the sidewalk when so many folks were getting in touch with their inner Prefontaine? No. I despise running. It's horrible. I really, really cannot stand it. (Editor's note: This anti-running rant carried on for approximately 2,387 more words. In the interest of reader wellness, we have eliminated the rest.)

The joggers that went by came in all shapes in sizes - big and small; round and stick-like; dogless and dogful - but only one made me stop to ponder his sanity. As I walked northward on the west end of the park, a figure zipped past me without warning. I was listening to my iPod and pondering what life would be like with discernable skills; therefore, I heard no approaching footsteps. As the figure took off past me, I noticed it was some guy lacking a shirt. Whether he wore no shirt as a fashion choice or a product of the recession was unclear, but one thing was not: his lower back. There, at the L-5 vertebrae, was ink on skin creating some sort of design that I did not bother to commit to memory. Like so many Hollywood starlets and college-aged females, he had a tattoo on his lower back.

Unfortunately for this guy, he apparently is not aware of the following rule: tattoo on a girl's lower back - okay; tattoo on a guy's lower back - odd and disturbing. Unfortunately, I spent the rest of my walk around the park pondering why this guy would get the ink-needle treatment on this area of his body. Was it a fraternity prank while he was passed out? Is his idol Angelina Jolie? Was it as the result of a pinkie-swear with his BFF? I probably should have asked, but catching up with him would have involved running.

Nothing But Football Strikes Back: The Main Event

At this point in time, my couch is making comments about how lazy I am, but I can't quit now. It's nearly Wildcat game-time.

9:09 p.m.
Before we get to K-State-UCLA coverage, we're treated to the end of the Cincinnati-Oregon State contest. Out of sheer boredom, I decided to look at Cincy's athletic website. It makes me wonder if they have a difficult time believing that they actually have a successful football program.
Why do I feel this way? The Bearcats list their spring game as a victory on their schedule page.

9:24 p.m.
Apparently things are more relaxed on the west coast. I was pretty certain kickoff was set for 9:15 p.m. Weird.

9:27 p.m.
UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel basically confirms that we'll see two different UCLA quarterbacks in the game tonight. With that, the over/under for quarterbacks to appear in this game is set at 4.5. What's your bet?

9:30 p.m.
Wildcat quarterback Carson Coffman carries the ball on two consecutive plays. The next play, running back Daniel Thomas carries. One of the plays was not like the others.

9:33 p.m.
An announcer insists on calling K-State receiver Attrail Snipes "AN-trail," despite the fact that his first name does not contain the letter necessary to create the "nuh" sound in the English language. Oh well. Names can be DIN-ficult.

9:35 p.m.
After putting together a rather productive drive, it all goes awry when Coffman throws an interception after being flushed from the pocket. Opening-drive points are overrated, anyway.

9:45 p.m.
The Bruins take a 7-0 lead after pushing the ball down the field in fairly impressive fashion. D'oh.

9:52 p.m.
Right after I send a text message complaining about too many carries by Coffman, the Cats get a big gain on a shovel pass that was perfectly set up by the QB run threat, and then get another good gain on a QB keeper. There are many reasons I don't coach football; this supports one of them.

9:53 p.m.
After missing a touchdown by a length of receiver Brandon Banks' toes, kicker Josh Cherry knocks in a field goal to put the Wildcats on the board. Cherry missed three kicks a week ago, so such a sight is akin to seeing a Gatorade factory after being lost in the Sahara.

9:59 p.m.
UCLA has a touchdown called back due to having an ineligible receiver downfield. Nonetheless, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about my prediction.

10:05 p.m.
UCLA hits a field goal, and it's revealed that some stats for this game are sponsored by eharmony.com. K-State is thin enough on the defensive line that I'm tempted to check eharmony for some backups. Does it work as a recruiting service?

10:14 p.m.
UCLA converts on 3rd-and-14.

10:15 p.m.
I turn on the curse-word filter in my head.

10:16 p.m.
UCLA decides to try to pick on the most proven player on the K-State defense, cornerback Josh Moore. Moore expresses his appreciation by pulling down an interception. I'm not sure what the Bruins were trying to accomplish there, but I hope they try it a few more times.

10:26 p.m.
K-State is penalized after a UCLA player shoves a Wildcat into the Bruin punt returner. Two plays later, the Bruins are down to the Wildcat 35-yard-line. Luckly, the curse-filter is working effectively.

10:31 p.m.
Wildcats limit Bruins to a field goal. Bruins lead 13-3. K-State is right back in this game if they can score a touchdown... Unfortunately, at times that seems like a pretty big "if."

10:37 p.m.
Daniel Thomas completes a pass out of the Wildcat formation... And tonight's winner of the "get this guy the ball more" award is... Daniel Thomas!

10:39 p.m.
Thomas gets the ball... Unfortunately, he has to scoop it off the turf after a failed pitch on the option. What starts with 'p' and rhymes with bunt?

10:42 p.m.
UCLA leads 13-3 at the half. The announcer deems it an "effective" half for both squads. I disagree.

11:06 p.m.
We're back, and the announcers are talking about the Rose Bowl as if it is the Holy Land. I'm 98-percent sure that's not true.

11:16 p.m.
The Wildcat offense looks effective thus far on this drive. The reason? Thomas has taken several snaps in the Wildcat and has befulddled the Bruin defense. No. 8 needs to be involved in nearly every play at this point.

11:22 p.m.
"A lot of Wildcat fans expected Thomas to be a Michael Beasley or Ell Roberson-type."
Honestly, I didn't expect Daniel Thomas to be anything like Michael Beasley. I don't recall him doing much on the gridiron.

11:24 p.m.
Thomas finds paydirt. Wildcat fans find hope. Coach Snyder finds an offensive option.

11:25 p.m.
The special teams unit finds a new way to botch an extra point when the holder somehow cannot find the ground to set the ball on. I've lost track of a lot of things in my life, but the ground has never been one of them.

11:30 p.m.
UCLA punts after finding nothing on offense. Can the Cats score on back-to-back possessions?

11:33 p.m.
No. But, the Bruins' next drive starts at their own 4 after a nifty punt by Ryan Doerr.

11:37 p.m.
UCLA punts from its own end zone and KSU's next drive will start at the Bruin 41. Can the Cats score on alternating possessions?

11:40 p.m.
A Bruin defender leads with his head instead of thinking with it, prompting a flag and extending the Wildcats' drive. Hooray for mindless antics.

11:43 p.m.
The field goal unit is back. Accuracy is not. K-State misses an opportunity to cut the UCLA lead to one. I think they might be approaching the record for missed kicks set by a Charles Brown years ago.

11:46 p.m.
UCLA receiver Nelson Rosario a one-handed grab that any receiver would envy. Speaking from experience, it's also a catch that brings fans of the opposing team to shout obscenities.

11:54 p.m.
The UCLA kicker nailes a field goal. He's on the Groza Award (best kicker) watch list. It seems that a kicker is something one takes for granted until they don't have one.

11:58 p.m.
That drive was about as productive as a visit from a Jehovah's Witness.

12:03 a.m.
We're past midnight, and UCLA drive is saved by a horse-collar penalty. The Bruins capitalize with a long passing touchdown... I never have been a fan of equestrian fashion. 

12:14 a.m.
A pass that basically amounted to K-State's last chance to stay in this game just fluttered to the ground like wounded moth. Thirteen hours after it began, Nothing But Football day ends with nothing but aggravation. This game could have been something very different, but the production from certain areas on this team is far less than it should be.  

12:18 a.m.
Unbelievably, K-State attempts to defy my eulogy by forcing a fumble and getting the ball back. Miracle time?

12:20 a.m.
If allowing two sacks, a near-interception, and an actual interception in a span of four plays counts as a miracle, then yes; miracles can happen. Who has a fork? This one is done. Bruins 23, Wildcats 9. 

12:22 a.m.
I never have liked football, anyway.

Copyright Derek D. Larson

Nothing But Football Strikes Back: 6 p.m. - 9 p.m.

This edition of Nothing But Football brought to you by Little Caesar's Pizza. Providing authors of blogs that few read with suitable Saturday evening meals since the dawn of time.*

*Timeline may be skewed.

6:59 p.m.
Louisiana Lafayette @ Louisiana State
LSU leads the battle for Cajun Country 14-0 in the second quarter. A Lafayette victory would make K-State's loss to them look a lot more respectable... I'm not expecting to gain any respect.

7:06 p.m.
Florida State @ BYU
For the second time today, I've heard mention of a football player missing some time with the swine flu... I know there's a lot of this going around, and that it's a serious issue, but would it be so wrong if we started calling it the "pig plague"? Alliteration makes everything better.

7:17 p.m.
Florida State @ BYU
The play-by-play announcer for this game is slightly less annoying than having your ear canal serve as a temporary beehive. Enough is enough, and it's time for a change.

7:36 p.m.
Texas Tech @ Texas
The Longhorns return a punt for a touchdown and end up celebrating near the school mascot, Bevo - an actual longhorn. The beastly being rose to its feet and for a moment I thought we might see what it would look like if a rodeo clown wore football pads. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and Bevo went back to simply hating his life as a showcow.

7:53 p.m.
Texas Tech @ Texas
Thanks to a hot-potato fumble, the Red Raiders just lost 32 yards on one play. Oddly, Texas Tech chooses not to go for it on 4th-and-41. I think they need a dose of "bold and daring."

7:54 p.m.
Self-loathing @ Derek
I kind of hate myself for typing that.

7:56 p.m.
Texas Tech @ Texas
According to Brent Musburger, Texas Tech coach Mike Leach is "absolutely fascinated" by pirates. Garrr?

8:08 p.m.
Temple @ Penn State
How long before PETA attempts to strike the phrase "pooch punt" from the football dictionary? It's bound to happen, right?

8:12 p.m.
Texas Tech @ Texas
After the Red Raiders convert on 4th-and-2, Kirk Herbstreit says that he thinks Detron Lewis has a chance to be "this year's Michael Crabtree." Does this mean Lewis is going to sit out next season when he doesn't think the millions of dollars he's being offered are enough?

8:31 p.m.
West Virginia @ Auburn
Word from the press box is that there are several "smurf hybrid" players in this game. Shows what I know... I thought smurfs were fictional. Apparently they're not only real, but they're having interspecies relationships with humans. I wonder if there are any Gargamelian descendants playing on the opposing squad.

8:45 p.m.
Texas Tech @ Texas
The Red Raiders pull off a fake kneel-down so convincing that the referees rule the play dead and the half ends. This proves my theory: referees hate entertainment.
On another note, Mike Leach refrains from talking like a pirate in his halftime interview.

8:58 p.m.
Other games prepare to take a back seat, as it's nearly time for the game everyone* has been waiting for.

*Naturally, for purposes of The Writings, "everyone" refers to everyone that reads this blog. The over-under on this number has been set at 1.5.

Because I enjoy making predictions (even though most inevitably go horribly wrong), here's the shot at tonights game. Wildcats top the Bruins 20-19. You read it here first. (... and probably last.)

Nothing But Football Strikes Back: 2:30 p.m. - 6 p.m.

Previously on Nothing But Football...
Announcers acted as if they owned players, a Cal running back attempted to win the Heisman with one game, and a horrendous pun was offered up by the author.

2:39 p.m.
Utah @ Oregon
No two people have the same fingerprints. No two people have the same DNA. No two snowflakes are exactly alike. Along the same lines, I don't know if the University of Oregon has ever worn the same football uniform twice. I'm waiting for the day that they take the field with Daffy Duck on the side of their helmets.

2:49 p.m.
Michigan State @ Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish score. Bandwagon fans everywhere consider rooting for Notre Dame again, but decide they better wait until they're in definite bowl contention.

2:53 p.m.
Tennessee @ Florida
Bryce Brown, a freshman running back from Wichita, carries the ball for the Volunteers. Brown refused to consider attending K-State when a certain former coach was "pursuing perfection" with the program, but showed a little interest again once Bill Snyder took over the program. Alas, it was not enough to land Mr. Brown.
Ron Prince - the gift that keeps on giving.

Non-football Rant (effectively rendering the title of this Writing "Nothing but Football..." moot. Sorry. You get what you pay for.)
Can someone explain the concept behind the Tacos at Midnight-flavored Doritos? Is there a distinct difference between the taste of a taco at midnight and the taste of a taco at any other time of day? Does it refer to the fact that the disgruntled employees of a fast-food Mexican place might even be further disgruntled if they are still making tacos at midnight? Or is this flavor derived from the fact that most people who are eating tacos at the midnight hour probably have some booze in their system? Have the chips been soaked in skunky beer? Which is it?

3:22 p.m.
Tulsa @ Oklahoma
I enjoy watching OU backup quarterback Landry Jones, who is taking snaps since Sam Bradford went down in the opening game of the season, play football. Why? It has nothing to do with his playing style. It has everything to do with the fact that he currently is sporting a mustache that makes him look like a skinny Farva from Super Troopers. It's undeniably entertaining.

4:13 p.m.
Michigan State at Notre Dame
The Spartans score to take a 17-16 lead just before halftime. The game is a tight one, but the more entertaining thought is the idea of a bunch of rowdy Irishmen actually fighting against Spartan Warriors. That would be an epic battle.

Quick aside...
For those worried about the well-being of someone who stays locked up in his apartment all day watching football when the weather is near-gorgeous in the outdoor world, don't fret. My windows are wide open. I could not get more fresh air if they sold it in packets at vending machines... Although that's probably because I would refuse to buy it, much like bottled water.

5:04 p.m.
Tulsa @ Oklahoma
The Sooner Troopers are up 45-0 with seven minutes remaining in the third quarter and the game's announcers have begun comparing football to life. "You get knocked down, you gotta get back up." ... I'll take "Quotes you hear when your team has no chance of winning," Alex.

5:05 p.m.
Tulsa @ Oklahoma
I also realized that the announcer was dangerously close to quoting Chumbawamba. What ever happened to that group?

5:13 p.m.
Nebraska @ Virginia Tech
According to the sideline reporter, a player in this game "just limped off with a right leg." I'll take instead of the alternative (limping off without a right leg) any day.

5:30 p.m.
Tennessee @ Florida
The Gators just picked off a Volunteer pass to seal a 23-13 victory. One commentator talks of how Tennessee put up a good fight against the top team in the nation, and says that coach Lane Kiffen might not sing "Rocky Top" (the unofficial fight song of UT) after the game, but he can sing Aretha Franklin's "Respect."  I will mail my next paycheck to CBS if Kiffen does this in his postgame interview.

5:34 p.m.
Tennessee @ Florida
My paycheck is safe.

5:46 p.m.
Nebraska @ Virginia Tech
Behind 15-10, two Hokies just hooked up on an 81-yard pass play to put them at Nebraska's three-yard-line with just over a minute left. No failed attempt to be amusing here. It was just an impressive play.

5:50 p.m.
Nebraska @ Virginia Tech
After dancing in the pocket for seemingly the length of a Harry Potter marathon, VT quarterback Tyrone Taylor finds a receiver in the back of the end zone for a touchdown. Hokies 16, Huskers 15, with 21 seconds remaining. Wow.

5:54 p.m.
An update was just shown of the USC-Washington matchup, in which the Huskies upset the No. 3 Trojans. Two words come to mind: Ha. Ha.

5:56 p.m.
Nebraska @ Virginia Tech
A VT interception ends things. The Hokies are victorious. Virginia Tech was the higher ranked team, yet VT fans are storming the field, causing a ruckus in general, and forcing coach Frank Beamer to yell at a few of them. I refuse to attempt to make sense of this situation.

6 p.m.
Michigan State @ Notre Dame
In a situation that could not be made up, a Notre Dame player just tackled his own teammate in the Irish backfield. I hope the statkeepers at least give the guy credit for the tackle. It was a decent hit.

Nothing But Football Strikes Back: 11 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.

It's Saturday, again. It's a day full of college football games, again. The Kansas State Wildcats are on the road, again.

Bake those ingredients at 350-degrees for a couple of hours and, odds are, I'll be about as active today as an average paperclip.*

*What about an above-average paperclip? Your expectations of me are entirely too high.

With my agenda set*, my couch fully prepared to support my body weight for 13 hours, and my fridge just 12 feet away, it seems that the second edition of Nothing But Football is imminent. Join me, won't you?

*11 a.m. - Midnight - watch football and note observations that I (and most likely no one else) find relevant and/or slightly humorous.
Midnight - 12:01 a.m. - Briefly regret the fact that I have no life to speak of.
12:01 - 12:02 a.m. - Consider actually developing some social skills, which might aide one in developing a social life.
12:02 a.m. - 12:03 a.m. - Say "nah" quietly to myself, with a wry grin; the sort you might expect at the close of a poorly written 1980s sitcom.
12:03 a.m - Sleep.

10:44 a.m.
College Gameday
No, games have not started yet, but ESPN is already doing its best to grind my gears. For the past year, whenever a situation has called for Texas Tech highlights to air, the network has seemingly just popped in the game film from the Red Raiders' game with K-State last season. I realize that Tech dominated, winning 58-28. I also realize that then-quarterback Graham Harrell threw for over 400 yards and six touchdowns. Nevertheless, as a K-State alum, I would not mind occasionally seeing a highlight of a Red Raider touchdown that did not take place in Manhattan. Please.

11:03 a.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
"This is what college football is all about."
I'm not sure how many times I have heard that phrase, but I'm pretty confident that every time I've heard it, it has been in reference to something different. Just now, the phrase was uttered regarding the atmosphere at TCF Bank Stadium. Apparently college football is "all about" corporate sponsorships.

11:10 a.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
The Golden Bears just put together a rather impressive scoring drive, going 80 yards in nine plays. All but seven of those yards game via Cal's rushing attack, led by running back Jahvid Best. Meanwhile, one commentator mentioned that Minnesota defenders were waiting for the arrival of the Calvary. Not the cavalry, mind you, but the Calvary. This game seems to have taken a religious turn.

11:23 a.m.
Duke @ Kansas
Duke quarterback Thaddeus Lewis finds a hole in the defense and runs 20+ yards for a touchdown. The Blue Devils lead the Jayhawks 7-0. It's early - very early - and the odds of Duke holding on to such a lead are akin to a donut's chance of surviving on the KU sideline. Nevertheless, I always enjoy the thought of the Jayhawks losing.

11:32 a.m.
Eastern Michigan @ Michigan
The Wolverines score to take a 10-3 lead and the Michigan band celebrates by playing "Hail to the Victors." The aforementioned fight song is also the fight song of my high school alma mater; as a result, I'm reminded of my high school glory days on the gridiron. It's hard to believe it's been ten years since those in the class ahead of me made it their personal missions to see how firmly they could plant me in the dirt each day in practice. (Pretty deep, it turns out.) Nothing like a good game of "paste the skinny kid that minds his own business." Ah, memories.

12:11 p.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
Jahvid Best takes off for his third touchdown of the day. The score prompts one of the commentators to say, "That's my boy."
... I don't think he's speaking literally.

12:47 p.m.
Duke @ Kansas
KU leads 20-7 at the half. Due to an unwritten but understood rule of The Writings, I cannot provide any more updates of this game unless Duke regains the lead... I wouldn't expect to hear from this game again.

1:02 p.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
The game commentators just talked about a 310-pound offensive lineman that used to play ice hockey. I guess if anyone needs a new twist on the "How much does a polar bear weigh?" pickup line, you might have one.
... Then again, a response of "Not as much as that dude," may not have the intended effect.

1:14 p.m.
East Carolina @ North Carolina
In a battle of directional Carolina's, the northern version blocks a field goal. One announcer refers to the player who blocked the kick as "our guy." Is it just me, or is there a disturbing trend of commentators taking ownership of players today? First we had "my boy," and now "our guy." If we reach the point where a player is referred to as "my schmoopy" I'm calling ESPN to complain.

1:22 p.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
The fightin' Gophers just tied the game at 21 with some trickery, but the noteworthy thing here is that comment from the broadcast crew that "it looked like Cal was going to blow Minnesota out of the gym in the first five minutes." Credit goes to the architects in Minnesota, as they made this gymnasium look frighteningly like an outdoor stadium. It's uncanny.

1:41 p.m.
Eastern Michigan @ Michigan
"Your guy." Is there some sort of illegal college athlete trafficking program going on that I'm unaware of?

2:06 p.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
The Golden Bears have 35 points, and all five of their touchdowns have been scored by Jahvid Best. It's probably safe to say that he's the best of the Bests.

... I'm sorry. It had been awhile since I'd had the chance to write such a horrible pun. It's an addiction and I'm seeking help for it.

Hi Neighbor

I'm currently listening to some smooth R&B tunes... Unfortunately, it's not by choice. You see, the apartment that I call home* is encased by walls whose thickness rivals that of most delicious Triscuit crackers. While having walls an octogenarian could bite through might prove beneficial should I ever become locked in my apartment while hosting a game of bridge and need a creative escape route, this feature of my apartment is not so pleasant on a night like tonight.

*I also call it "the building... thingy... where my bed and TV is," but that's neither here nor there.

My neighbor, new as of the beginning of August, enjoys doing his best Brian McKnight impersonation in the evenings, meaning I get to experience the performances as if I were on the front row of a concert I'd feel inordinately out of place at. It can be quite the show.

When my neighbor isn't singing, it's not uncommon to hear a nagging female voice on that side of the wall. Whether this girl is my neighbor's wife, girlfriend, "it's complicated" friend, mistress, lady of the night, sister, sister-in-law, maid, or a hobo he decided to take in as an act of goodwill is something unknown to me. What is known is that this girl really seems to enjoy calling her mother and yelling at her over the phone. I'm not sure what the mother could have done to this girl to make her so consistently angry, but with the way she yells, it seems like it would have to involve the torture of some small animals.

Interestingly, prior to this neighbor, the guy that used to live next door also took great joy in singing, however he seemed to embrace soft rock more than R&B. Instead of Ruben Studdard, I was hearing Clay Aiken. I can't say it was any better.

Two consecutive neighbors that performed daily/nightly concerts, and yet I still haven't attempted to see how many Q-Tips I could fit in my ears... That, dear readers, is willpower.

The neighbor before these Apartment Idol contestants was a timid one. She was apparently so shy that, back when my television was next to the shared wall, she would slide notes under my door requesting that I turn the volume down. Unfortunately for her, she never knocked or did anything to make me aware that she had passed this written communication underneath my door, which is not in my line of sight from my living room area. This meant I often read notes requesting that I turn down my television volume as I left for work the following morning. It seems passive aggressiveness may not always be the best route.*

*Note to self...

What's the point of all this? There really isn't one. Sorry.

I guess maybe it should spark thoughts in my head wondering what neighbors say about me. Hopefully it's something like, "No offense, but Beyonce would be the best neighbor ever."

Nothing but Football - 3 p.m.-4:18 p.m.

... picking up where we left off...

3:09 p.m.
Texas @ Wyoming
The Cowboys draw a standing ovation as the result of closing the first quarter down just three points to the No. 2 Longhorns. That's nice. I haven't seen a good moral victory ovation in awhile.

3:15 p.m.
BYU @ Tulane
Continuing an earlier theme, I'm now stuck with the question: In nature, how would a cougar react if it encountered a green wave?
... I think I may have too much time on my hands.

3:19 p.m.
Notre Dame @ Michigan
In describing Michigan quarterback Denard Robinson, and announcer just referred to his feet as "magic" and said "He's electric" in a 20-second span. While I'm disappointed that the announcer didn't follow up said statements with "boogie woogie woogie," I'm also rather curious. I've never before seen a person that runs on electricity whose feet perform illusions. Seems like the Wolverines could sell tickets just based on that.

3:40 p.m.
Houston @ Oklahoma State
I think fans who are shown on camera during football game broadcasts should not allowed to yell "We're number one!" and hold up one finger (normally the index finger... hopefully) unless they are actually fans of the team that is ranked No. 1. If not, they must appropriately represent their school.
For example, OSU is ranked No. 6. Therefore, their orange-clad fans are allowed to look at the camera with wild looks in their eyes and yell "We're No. 6!" while holding up six fingers. If your team is not ranked in the top 10 (and therefore cannot be appropriately represented by your fingers," you are allowed to yell "We're... trying to get better! Seriously, we are! Someday - hopefully soon -  we'll be in finger-representation range!"

4:01 p.m.
Houston @ Oklahoma State
Thanks to an on-side kick and then some nifty running on a screen pass, Houston takes a 24-7 lead over OSU. At this rate, Cowboys' fans might want to yell "We're number six!" while it's still factual.

4:08 p.m.
Texas @ Wyoming
Words of wisdom from this broadcast crew: "It's not how you react, it's how you respond."
Funny, I react and respond to that comment in the same way: They're synonyms! The words mean the same thing! The definition for "react" at www.thefreedictionary.com even begins "To act in response..."
Sorry, broadcast crew, it's not that you're wrong, you just aren't right. 


4:18 p.m.
... With that, it's time to leave the home office (my couch) to go secure seats to view K-State's battle against Cajuns who apparently show unnecessary rage. Unfortunately, my trusty laptop will not be making the aforementioned journey. 

It's true, all good things (and, as in this case, all appallingly mediocre things) must come to an end.

Nothing but Football - 11 a.m.-3 p.m.

It's the second Saturday of the college football season and K-State is down in Cajun country. If there's a better occasion to waste a day watching college football and composing random nonsense in electronic written form, I've yet to hear it.

11:09 a.m.
Fresno St. @ Wisconsin
An injury to Wisconsin's starting center prompts the hypothetical question from on announcer, "What are you going to do when you have 290 lbs. lined up on your nose?"
My hypothetical answer involves some combination of the fetal position, uncontrollable sobbing, and prayers for mercy... But that's just me.

11:45 a.m.
Iowa @ Iowa State
They just showed footage of Iowa State students running into the stadium to secure good seats as soon as the gates opened. A few students took pretty good tumbles as they ran down the Jack Trice Stadium steps.
Normally, the saying "no pain, no gain" might come into play, but Iowa State football is involved... Pain is inevitable; gain, unlikely.

11:49 a.m.
Common Sense @ Derek Larson
A pot and a kettle just made awkward small talk after being introduced. I realize it's a little ironic that I'm bashing a struggling college football team when my alma mater has not appeared in the postseason since 2006. Please remember, logic isn't something normally embraced around here.

12:09 p.m.
Iowa @ Iowa State
Football can sometimes generate deep thoughts in my head. Example: couldn't the "naked bootleg" just be called a "leg"?
Think about it...

12:22 p.m.
Syracuse @ Penn State
"Coach, how do you get better on first down?"
"How do we get better? We play better."
This moment of zen brought to you by Joe Paterno.

12:57 p.m.
It finally happened. I have been flipping through four different games, but at this very moment all are breaking for commercials. It seems that I'm actually going to have to think for mysel- Hey, the Fresno State-Wisconsin game is back on! Whew.

1:14 p.m.
Iowa @ Iowa State
The Hawkeyes take a 21-3 lead on a play where one Cyclone defender ran right over another. Remember that "pain is inevitable" talk we had?

1:28 p.m.
Iowa @ Iowa State
Hawkeyes 28, Cyclones 3. I hope those bruises heal quickly.

1:57 p.m.
Iowa @ Iowa State
Iowa safety Tyler Sash picks off his third Cyclone pass of the day. It's crazy that ISU's relatively recent switch to uniform's that look just like those of USC didn't result in immediate succes... I'm sorry, Cyclone fan(s). I'll stop.

2:07 p.m.
Fresno State @ Wisconsin
The sweetest word in college football? Overtime. It seems weird to feel that way, considering K-State's history in overtime games, but it's just ridiculously entertaining to watch.

2:15 p.m.
Fresno State @ Wisconsin
Wisconsin receiver Nick Toon puts the Badgers ahead in overtime with a diving catch in the end zone. The notion that Nickelodeon sends Mr. Toon a Spongebob Squarepants check every time his name is mentioned remains just a rumor.

2:27 p.m.
Central Michigan @ Michigan State
Thousands stand shocked as the Central Michigan kicker nails a field goal with three seconds left in the game to give the Chippewas a 29-27 lead (and ultimately the win). This is Sparta?

2:32 p.m.
Fresno State @ Wisconsin
The Badgers drop the Bulldogs with a field goal in the second overtime period. It's at this point that I realize that Fresno State coach Pat Hill looks like he'd be a NASCAR fan.
The Writings: Offering insightful observations at opportune times.

2:40 p.m.
BYU @ Tulane
A new batch of games to view brings a new batch of questions to mind... What inspires one to give a school the nickname "Green Wave"? A vision of the future where nuclear waste has polluted all of our oceans? A splash pool lacking chlorine? A farewell from Oscar the Grouch?
I must know.
...
According to Wikipedia, the nickname came about in 1920, as the result of a song titled "The Rolling Green Wave," which was published in the school newspaper.
The Writings: We're here to educate (by citing sources that could have been edited by mentally unstable hobos).

2:49 p.m.
I'm now entertaining myself by thinking of possible school nicknames that could be inspired by songs of the current generation. The Boston Boom Boom Pow? The Louisiana LOL :-)? The San Diego Sexy Bitches?*
Thankfully, those in charge of university's no longer follow such trends.

*These song inspired mascots brought to you by www.billboard.com. Truth told, I'm not exactly in touch with most of today's music scene, and therefore needed a little help finding some song titles for the tunes kids are listening to these days.
The Writings: We're hip.

People in Your Neighborhood - The Perplexed Grocery Shopper

"It just doesn't make any logical sense."

I heard the aforementioned quote just minutes ago. Oddly, it did not take place in any sort of philosophical debate. This sentence was not uttered in a lecture hall, a library, or even some sort of coffee shop where mind-cramping issues might be discussed.

No, I heard this quote in the frozen pizza aisle at the supermarket.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying the grocery store is not a place that serve as home to stimulating topics of conversation. I'm sure many issues so deep that my feeble mind could not comprehend them have been discussed while comparing prices of Ketchup vs. Catsup. Unfortunately, this quote was not uttered in a discussion about fertilizers used to ensure good crops of tomatoes. It was not in reference to an embargo that prevents us from being able to purchase Cuban cuisine. It did not even relate to the fact that the Little Debbie website has a gift shop section.

No, this slice of wisdom was given verbal birth because a grocery shopper did not understand a two-for-$5 promotion.

Yes. That's right.

The gentleman in question, dressed as if his grocery shopping was a precursor to a monster truck rally this evening (and heretofore referred to as "the professor"), could not process the concept that the market could charge $2.75 for one pizza, but then only charge $5 if he were to buy two.

The professor was utterly baffled. It reminded me of the time I read Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time." Sure, I made it through, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be writing any dissertations on wormholes.

"It makes no f****** sense," he said.

That's right. This issue of this grocery promotion was so disturbing that profanity came into play.

Unfortunately, his colleague ("the professess") was of little assistance with the matter. Sure, she verbally volleyed with him, countering his quip of "They can't do it," with the utterly brilliant, "Yes, they can," but her followup to the next question was less encouraging.

"How?" asked the professor.

Digging into the deepest recesses of her mind, the professess retorted, "I don't know. They just can."

There I was, trying buy something perfectly unhealthy to transport to my freezer, and all of the sudden I was at the mercy of a conversation that basically equated a two-for-$5 special to the illusions of David Coppefield.

"How did he make the Statue of Liberty disappear?"

"I don't know, but can you imagine how much more amazing it would of been if he had sold us two $10 tickets for $17.50?... Amazing!"

I grabbed a couple pizzas and left, trying to avoid shaking my head as I pushed my cart away. I continued my shopping, checked out at the cashier, and went on my way.

I did not, however, ask the cashier how they could logically run that promotion on frozen pizzas.

... I figured good magicians never share their secrets.

Good News, Bad News - K-State vs. UMass Edition

Good news - The Kansas State Wildcats started the 2009 season 1-0 with a win on Saturday.

Bad news - The Wildcats nearly coughed up an 18 point lead, and only beat Division-IAA, FCS, brought to you by the letter B, YMCA opponent UMass by four, 21-17.

Good news - Saturday's game served as a "family reunion," with over 300 former K-State football players returning to watch the action.

Bad news - I know plenty of people that despise family reunions.

Good news - Legendary coach Bill Snyder also returned for the Wildcats, starting his second coaching sting at K-State.

Bad news - Snyder was not able to have former players like Terry Pierce, Terence Newman, Darren Sproles or Jordy Nelson suit up in purple.

Good news - The Wildcats will have an opportunity to get rid of the sour taste of their wafer-thin victory in less than a week.

Bad news - This chance will come in Lafayette, La., where the humidity may be near 123-percent by gameday. Weather forecasters are refusing to calculate the anticipated heat index, as the figure gives them brain cramps.

A Title Gone Wrong

The Discovery Channel is currently showing a program called, "Explosions Gone Wrong."

Is there a good way for explosions to "go right"?

I plan on watching simply to see if Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, or Wile E. Coyote make an appearance.