Things you should know - Late October Sports Edition

A fair chunk of the regular readers of The Writings have little more than a passing interest in sports. This is a fact I'm aware of, but one I seem to regularly ignore. Instead of giving readers what they're really hoping for (embarrassing tales from my life), I'll post rambling entries about sports teams and athletes in whom my readers have as much interest as they do in the current whereabouts of the cast of "Perfect Strangers." With the World Series upon us, football season in mid-play, and basketball season tipping off, the sports-oriented writing probably will not end anytime soon. I will, however, at least make an effort to present helpful knowledge that the reader could use in everyday conversation. I do occasionally pretend to be a "professional" sports journalist, after all. Consider the following things you should know...


BASEBALL

This World Series will end a drought
The San Francisco Giants have not won a World Series since 1954 and the franchise was located in New York back then. The Texas Rangers, on the other hand, have never appeared in a World Series; not even in their previous life as the Washington Senators. Thus, whoever wins the seven-game series will making history, quenching the thirst for a championship in either San Francisco or Arlington. Why should you care? Mainly because this proves to you that two teams have longer championship droughts than the Kansas City Royals, whose Writings you tolerate with such patience.

The beard-fearing trend has caught on
Last basketball season, the simple notion of fearing one whose face featured whiskers went mainstream* thanks to a Kansas State guard with a silky shot and a hairy chin. This fall, the phrase "Fear the Beard" has made another splash, earning the approval of all in San Francisco thanks to relief pitcher Brian Wilson. Wilson (the non-Beach Boy version) led the majors with 48 saves in 2010 and sports a beard that resembles, in uncanny manner, the fake one actor Matthew Fox wore in Lost.

*Should Pullen really receive all the credit for beard fearing trends? After all, haven't mall Santa's been terrifying children for decades? There's probably credence to the idea of giving Saint Nick some credit, but Santa won't be shooting 3-pointers in Bramlage Coliseum this season. Excellent work, Jake.

This World Series will feature some excellent pitching
It all starts tonight. By the time you read this, one team will probably lead the series 1-0. Most likely, the winner will have received a strong pitching performance from its Game 1 starter. The game features the Rangers' Cliff Lee - the 32-year-old who was demoted to the minors for poor performance as recently as 2007, but followed by winning the Cy Young Award for the league's best pitcher in 2008 - and the Giants' Tim Lincecum - a 26-year-old who won the National League Cy Young Award in 2008 and 2009 and also wears his hair like a teenage girl. Odds are strong that pitching will be as vital to this series as cultural differences were to the scripts of every "Perfect Strangers" episode.*

*I've posted a great number of Writings and never once referred to the show that gave the world the gift of Balki Bartokomous. You didn't think I could only take one bite once I opened the "Perfect Strangers" wrapper, did you?


Football

The rushing attack of the Kansas City Chiefs is the best in football
The Chiefs currently lead the NFL in rushing, averaging 176.5 rushing yards per game. Running backs Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones rank 13th and 16th, respectively, in individual rushing. Is this really a big deal just six games into the season? Perhaps it is. Perhaps it will prove to be as relevant to the season as the fact that one day in high school I ate an entire box of powdered donuts in one sitting. (There's your embarrassing tale of the author's life. Happy?) Because I've never shown much prowess in the area of seeing the future, I really have no idea how things will end for the Chiefs. I just know it's nice to be back to the point where there is some sort of reason for optimism.

Brett Favre will never go away
For years now, there's been great "drama" (translation: 24-hour coverage by major sports networks because pitchmen for Wranglers are apparently more important than actual sporting events) surrounding the "will he retire?" storyline with Mr. Favre. The story is blown up like a Macy's balloon every year, despite the fact that Favre has never actually missed a game due to a "retirement." Now that the season is midway through and we can't focus on possible retirement (and poor play keeps the media from having the opportunity to declare him the savior for all humanity), the Favre filler has revolved around another subject. I believe this is what one might call a lose-lose-lose situation. First off, it involves Favre. (Loss.) Next, it means journalists everywhere are having to write stories on the subject of Mr. Favre's bikini area. (Loss.) The fact that so many outlets are covering it also seems to convey the fact that the general public is interested in the story. (Loss for all of humanity.)


Basketball

Everything you hear about LeBron James and the Miami Heat is wrong
Ever since LeBron James announced he would sign with the Miami Heat this summer, the NBA squad has been more popular in South Beach than Don Johnson and the musical stylings of Will Smith combined.* There are folks that think the Heat - with James plus all-stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh - will set new record for victories in an NBA season. They won't. There are folks that claim that James is some sort of demonic spawn of underworldly origin because of the way he deserted Cleveland. He's not. Personally, I didn't agree with the way James gave the Ohio city a figurative middle-finger by announcing he was signing with a different team on a national television special, but I also don't feel the decision should have him treated as if he's Satan's step-brother. The Heat will be a strong team this year, and they'll be a fun one for many to root against. Just know that they won't dominate in the same fashion that Teen Wolf's team did and be aware that James will not, at any point in the season, grow horns or cloven hooves.

*Is it clear that I've never been to Miami and can only base knowledge of the city on events from pop culture?

The K-State basketball season starts on Nov. 2
Sure, it's a preseason game against a school seemingly named after a "Seinfeld" character, but such details should not hinder enthusiasm. The Wildcats enter the season with national expectations higher than I might have ever imagined. Season tickets are sold out, Jacob Pullen is widely viewed as one of the best guards in the nation, and there's a potential matchup with Duke - the nation's top team - looming less than one month away. No funny business here; this season should be a lot of fun.

Be ready.

Kolb!

I read or heard somewhere that "the only person that cares about your fantasy football team is you." Alas, if The Writings excel at anything, it's composing prose about things that absolutely no one else cares about. With that in mind, let's hear my fantasy football gripe of the day.

For readers unfamiliar with fantasy football, I'd like to clarify that the "fantasy" factor is in no way related to traits you see often accompanying fantasies in film. When I check the performance of one of* my fantasy football teams on any particular Sunday, the loading of the web page is not preceded by wavy vision and light piano music, as illustrated beautifully in Wayne's World. (There's also a lot less Jimi Hendrix and fewer pelvic thrusts.)

*Yes, I am once again participating in more than one fantasy football league. Reason No. 1,348 why the author is single.

As I see it, fantasy football is just a good way to make NFL games you might normally have no vested interest in a lot more interesting. (Which helps make football season more bearable when the one team you actually do have a vested in - COUGH*chiefs*COUGH - can't win more than four games in a season.) You "draft" (say that person's name in front of 13 other people and prepare for ridicule) a "team" (a list of names of people that don't know you exist) of players from around the NFL, and the performance of your "team" depends solely on how well your "drafted" players perform. Not only does it provide a person with something more to pay attention to on Sundays, but it also gives me a chance to use the "quotation mark" key on my keyboard a lot more often in Writings, since most of my interview requests for this blog are immediately turned down.*

*Fun fact: When originally brought into being, the goal of The Writings was to bring about a greater awareness of the struggles that Latvian settlers had in establishing fair trade in Northwest Canada. Unfortunately, such plans were radically changed when the author realized that he had absolutely no knowledge of any of the aforementioned topics.

Now that you, the reader, are a veritable fantasy football expert, it's time for me, the author*, to explain today's issue. To put it simply, today my quarterback was about as successful as a morbidly obese trapeze artist.

*As always, this term is used in the loosest sense possible. The Writings: Where being an "author" means that you can piece together words to make sentences that almost resemble cognitive thoughts... most of the time.

The signal caller on my squad is named Kevin Kolb (pronounced "Cobb." Why? Probably just to aggravate me even further). He's "quarterback" for the Philadelphia Eagles. In fantasy football, one hopes to have their quarterback score at least 10 points for his-or-her team. Today, Kolb scored a whopping -2 points. Yes, you read that correctly; my quarterback scored fewer than zero points. Prior to today, I was pretty sure the only way a quarterback could score negative fantasy points was by drop-kicking a puppy after pitching the ball on a toss-sweep or by sacrificing a goat to a statue of John Madden during a timeout. It turns out that throwing a football with the accuracy of a glaucoma-ridden orangutan accomplishes the same thing.

Thanks in large part to the Kolb Curse, my team is pretty much guaranteed an 0-1 start to the season. Where does it go from here? For the sake of the reader that has discovered that the opening paragraph of this Writing is all too true, hopefully nowhere but up. (Or down in such a cripplingly depressing manner that I can't bear to think about it... Hooray for football.)

Lesson of the Day

During the course of tonight's Monday Night Football game I have experienced a laundry list of feelings, including:
- confidence;
- discouragement;
- joy;
- outrage;
- insecurity;
- denial;
- acceptance;
- exuberance;
- fear; and finally,
- relief.

All aforementioned feelings took place because the semi-finals of my fantasy football league hinged on this game.

The lesson, as always: I really have no life.

Copyright Derek D. Larson

Nothing but Football - Wading the Red River

Another fall Saturday means another day packed with college football. This Saturday, however, presents a twist that previous NbF Saturday's have not: K-State has a home game tonight, meaning I'll actually be moving from my couch in order to go watch that game in person, interact with other people, and write a game story for www.gopowercat.com (shamless plug). Human interaction? Crazy concept, I know.

10:50 a.m. - ESPN analyst Lee Corso just picked K-State over Texas A&M as his weekly upset. To cap his rundown of his reasoning behind the pick, he said "Go AARP." Bill Snyder did just turn 70 years old, but I had no idea that the university had changed the mascot. Does this mean Wille the Wildcat is going to be looking extra gray today? Or do we debut a new mascot: Leroy, the old man that is still angry that his evening paper was wet when he picked it up three months ago?

10:56 a.m. - Corso and his College Gameday crew are in Dallas, for the annual Red River Rivalry matchup between Texas and Oklahoma. Earlier in the show, they mentioned that Indianapolis Colts' quarterback Peyton Manning (who went to school at Tennessee) is in attendance; now they have brought Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, to the set to make predictions for the day's games. I'm all for bringing in celebrities to a broadcast, but it might make more sense if they actually have a connection to one of the schools involved. Where's WWE broadcaster Jim Ross when you need him?

10:59 a.m. - It turns out that the National Anthem doesn't apply to those on the Gameday set. The analysis of the upcoming game just carried from the opening "Oh say..." through "...of the brave." I wish they would have at least stood up and spoken their thoughts in Star Spangled melody.

11:11 a.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
OU just converted on third-and-10 thanks to a 65-yard catch and run by running back Demarco Murray. This directly followed a comment from a broadcaster that this was the exact down and distance that the Sooners wanted to avoid. I disagree. Now if they are third-and-66 at some point, they might be in trouble.

11:15 a.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
OU kicker Jimmy Stevens just kicked a field goal off the left upright and through the posts. Replays seem to show that he did not call "bank," but apparently it still counts.

11:21 a.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
The Sooners force and recover a Colt McCoy fumble. Oklahoma's next play from scrimmage is a sack of Heisman Trophy-winning QB Sam Bradford, who is consequently forced out of the game with a shoulder reinjury. With the way pass protection is working out so far, this game might just be a battle of kneel downs and punts in the second half.

11:34 a.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
Oklahoma backup quarterback Landry Jones just led the Sooners down the field on their way to another field goal. The Sooners lead 6-0 and the Texas defensive coordinator is currently looking increduously at his defense and saying, "Seriously, guys? We're ranked No. 3 and we're letting a guy named Landry with a Super Troopers mustache lead scoring drives?"

11:42 a.m.
Iowa @ Wisconsin
In other game action, Wisconsin leads Iowa 3-0 in the second quarter. Big 10 football... it's pretty boring.

 11:44 a.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
Texas punts for the third time in the opening quarter. Thus far, their offense has been somewhere between "pathetic" and "Raider-like."

11:45 a.m.
I realize that the KC Chiefs lost to the Oakland Raiders (whose offense is about as Raider-like as can be). I'm also fully convinced that seasonal depression is a direct result of being a fan of poor football teams.

11:51 a.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
While discussing a penalty, the field judge, line judge, and umpire were just standing in a row with their backs to the camera. The result was the letters on the back of their ref shirts spelling "FLU." I'm now trying to figure out if it's a coincidence, or some sort of cryptic warning about germ warfare from the officiating crew.

11:56 a.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
The Longhorns fit in one more punt before the end of the first quarter. Coaches normally go into games with specific game plans. I wonder if Mack Brown's gameplan included having his punter on the field nearly as much as his Heisman-contending quarterback.

12:10 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
Colt McCoy is sacked for a loss of 17 yards and Texas punts again. I'm beginning to wonder if the Longhorns remember that the goal of each possession is to advance the ball down the field and score.

12:22 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
This Brent Venebles-led defense of Oklahoma has the Longhorns looking as if they haven't played organized football before. In other words, the Texas punter had the opportunity to show off his leg again. Venebles was once an assistant coach at Kansas State... Yes, I am to the point this season that I will accept transitive moral victories.

12:28 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
Landry Jones bounces two passes in a row and it's the Sooners' turn to punt. It's at this point that all Big 10 fans wonder what in the world I'm talking about when I call their brand of football "boring."

12:33 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
In a strikingly intelligent move, Texas wide receiver James Kirkendoll headbutts an OU defensive back after being tackled short of a first down. The headbutt comes while Kirkendoll is just five feet from the nearest referee and just five yards from his head coach.  Such positioning kind of elminates the usual "It wasn't me" defense.

12:35 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
This game is taking place at the Texas State Fairgrounds and the play that just happened belonged in a circus. A Texas punt (surprise!) is fumbled by the OU returner. A Longhorn (Texas football player, not an actual bovine) picked it up and ran it toward the end zone, but the ball was knocked loose by OU and it went out of bounds. Thanks to the ruling that the punt was muffed by the returner, Texas keeps the ball, as muffs cannot be advanced. Had the play been ruled a fumble, OU would have had the ball at their 20-yard-line thanks to a touchback. If you are confused after reading all of this, imagine how the folks in the stands that came to the game because they knew they could go eat a funnel cake and ride the Octopus to the point of extreme nausea after the game feel.

12:45 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
Texas finally scores, thanks to the fact that they started their possession in field goal range. OU fumbles the ensuing kickoff and Texas starts another drive on the Sooner side of the field. Odds of Texas actually scoring a touchdown this time? My guess is that it's the same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

12:52 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
McCoy carries the ball down inside the 10 before being stripped (of the football, this is a family game) by an OU defender. Result: another empty UT possession and OU ball at the 20.

12:56 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
A prankster has apparently replaced the game ball with a greased pig from the fair, as an attempted OU reverse is fumbled. The Sooners recover the slippery swine at their own one-yard-line. To increase the chances of scoring, look for the referees to award points every time the ball touches the turf in the second half.

1:00 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
A view of Oklahoma's punt team reminds me of the time K-State's punter did not join his punt unit on the field. (At Oklahoma in 2005.) I'm not sure why this occurence is never mentioned in discussions of unconventional moves in football. As Pepper Brooks of "Dodgeball" might have called it, "It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for them."


HALFTIME Thought...
Last night, I taught my one-year-old niece to clap for herself whenever she successfully got the lid on her sippy cup. Sure, that may not seem like much of an accomplishment to those of us whose motor skills are advanced to the point that we could complete such a task consistently*, but for a tike like her, it was something to celebrate. What does this have to do with this game? The Texas offense has looked poor enough that I think they might want to start clapping for themselves whenever they make a first down.

*I think I reached this point about three years ago.


1:28 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
Texas not only gains a couple first downs on their opening drive of the second half, but they also tie the game with a field goal. I'm now picturing Mack Brown clapping wildly like my niece. Oddly, the mental picture is complete with Mack sitting in a high chair, like my niece. Once again, I think I have too much time on my hands.

1:41 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
OU's Ryan Reynolds comes up with a tackle.
Cue a random tangent relating to Ryan Reynolds, just not this one...
Remember when Ryan Reynolds starred in the sitcom "Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place," but after a couple of seasons the show changed its title to the more concise (and ambiguous) "Two Guys and a Girl"? Did the shows producers really think that having the pizza place involved was holding the show back? Was there an actual conversation that involved the quote, "I think we may really have something here, but the pizza place is dead weight. We have to drop it"?*

*These are the type of thoughts spurned by boring football games.

1:49 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
Toss some some Twinkies in the deep fryer, it's time to celebrate in Dallas as the Longhorns scored an actual touchdown. The myth that field goals are the only way to score points in football has officially been debunked.

1:57 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
With the realization that touchdowns are still the most effictive way of scoring points in American football, the Sooners follow suit and tie the game at 13. I'm also now remembering that football can be entertaining.

2:18 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
In a shocking turn of events, we see a field goal. What are the odds?

2:26 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas
The Sooners fall a foot short in converting on fourth-and-one at midfield. The broadcast crew applauds coach Bob Stoops for "remaining true to himself" and being aggressive in the situation. I applaud myself for not turning off the television after such a weird statement.

2:33 p.m.
Oklahoma @ Texas (obviously... i think this labeling has run its course)
Texas defensive back Aaron Williams makes an absurdly athletic interception, placing the Longhorns in scoring territory again. Time to seal things up?

2:36 p.m.
The answer to the previous question is "no" as the Sooners come up with an interception of their own. This game has had a strong "When in Rome" feel... When one team fumbles, the other does, too. When one team can't score anything more than a field goal, the other follows suit. When one team finally scores a touchdown, the other does right away. Now, when one team throws a pick, the other follows in a hurry. I'm kind of hoping that one coach declares that his school has been cheating and that all their wins should be given to Kansas State. They'll be back in bowl contention in no time.

2:42 p.m.
Interception Texas. Time for another round of hot potato?

2:46 p.m.
Not sure how I've gone this far without mentioning that Brent Musberger is wearing a hot pink shirt with a yellow tie and a brown jacket. Note to self: style is not a requirement to make it in the world of sports broadcasting.

2:54 p.m.
Texas runs out the clock and wins in rather uneventful fashion, 16-13. Fitting end to a rather uneventful game. At least the Longhorns can go clap for themselves now.

Nothing but Football - Monday Night Edition

Since its incarnation, the wildly popular* "Nothing but Football" series has been limited to covering college football on Saturdays. Those who tend to be curious might wonder why NBF has yet to venture into the realm of professional football. The answer to that query has little to do with the fact that I do not enjoy the pro game; but, a lot to do with the fact that I'm lazy. Nonetheless, tonight we at The Writings are making the transition to the NFL. It's Monday night, the Dolphins are facing off against the Jets, and my fantasy football teams needs 13 points to secure a victory. If that's not a storyline that will draw folks in, I have no idea what is.

*Read: The author enjoys it.

7:54 p.m. - Dolphins' running back Ronnie Brown scores from three yards out to cap an 80-yard opening drive. Brown is the one player in this game that the fortunes of my fantasy football squad - "Get Off of Mike Cloud"* - lean on. Thanks to my decision to play a suspended wide receiver over a Cowboy that had more receiving yards than anyone in team history, my squad enters the final game of the week trailing by 12 fantasy points. Oddly, I feel pretty good about my chances. 

*If you have a working knowledge of Rolling Stones' songs and former Chiefs running backs, hopefully this comes off as slightly humorous... If not, it fits pretty well with everything else in this blog. 

8:00 p.m.  - I realize that the simple fact that I feel good about something probably spells doom more assuredly than most spelling bee participants. I am the guy that predicted both Kansas State and the Kansas City Chiefs to win their games this past weekend. Instead, they lost by allowing a combined 3,851 passing yards.*

*Figure may not be accurate, but it's my best estimate.

8:01 p.m. - The Jets fake a punt and the punter actually runs like an athlete. No offense to the punters of the world, (and I have little room to talk, since I run with the speed of an overburdened burro), but the fact is that most punters look like they're running in concrete shoes when the have the oppotunity to sprint on the field.

8:07 p.m. - Jets' receiver Braylon Edwards catches a touchdwon pass from rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez to tie the game. Edwards started the week as a member of the Cleveland Browns, but was traded last Wednesday. Edwards had gone 12 games since his last touchdown reception with the Browns. He also allegedly got into a fight with a friend of Cleveland's favorite son, LeBron James. It seems there's a lesson to be learned from all of this: If you want to be traded from one of the worst teams in the NFL to a playoff contender, perform poorly for an extended period of time and then deck a celebrity's pal. It's just that easy.

8:28 p.m. - Commentator and former coach Jon Gruden is speaking in glowing fashion concerning New York assistant head coach Bill Callahan. I know some Nebraska fans that might disagree with his assessment.

8:42 p.m. - Rendering the very title of this Writing moot, my digital cable has discovered TBS, where the Philadelphia Phillies lead the Colorado Rockies 5-4 in the bottom of the ninth inning. A win for the Phillies would push them to the National League Championship Series, where they'd face the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Rockies are the team I decided to back when the Royals were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. (Although I still think they might be able to find a loophole to get into the World Series... Never give up!) Unfortunately, my backing seems to have eerie powers, as all teams that I root for are prone to disappointmet. Thus, I apologize, Rockies. You did not deserve the curse of my support.

8:51 p.m. - A strikeout ends things for the Rockies, and the Phillies are celebrating their series victory. If only I could bring myself to root for the Yankees, I'm pretty sure they would fold like an expert oragamist.

8:53 p.m. - A 15-yard pass to Ronnie Brown is nixed thanks to a Miami holding penalty. I haven't felt this invested in anything involving the Dolphins since I was rooting for Ace Ventura (pet detective) to figure out who kidnapped Snowflake, the field goal kicking dolphin.

9:01 p.m. - After totaling 8 fantasy points on Miami's first drive, Brown has tallied just one since. It seems that now is a good point to show concern that I might lose this matchup in tight fashion. Apparently I need to quit rooting for myself.

9:11 p.m. - After deep thought, I'm now wondering how deeply The Curse of Derek's Support actually affects my life. I mean, my favorite NFL team has won just two of the last 30 it has competed in; the college squad I root for lost by 52 points on Saturday; the one Major League Baseball team I support no matter how many mistakes they make has not been to the postseason since I was three years old. Can this all be coincidental? Or do I not only need to abandon any athletic allegiances I have, but also start rooting against myself in life to have a better chance at success? (C'mon, Derek! Make a complete ass of yourself in public!)

9:25 p.m. - The Dolphins just went three-and-out on a series in which Ronnie Brown did not see the field. If there is a concern-colored crayon in your box of 64, you might want to grab it right now.

9:35 p.m. - Mr. Brown returns and carries for seven yards. Go Ronnie! ... Wait, I mean, don't go, Ronnie! Fail! Fail!

9:36 p.m. - This whole jinx idea has me rather conflicted.

9:38 p.m. - A six-yard carry by Brown puts him at 12 points on the night and ties me with my opponent. At this point, I need to root against fumbles and carries for negative yards... I mean, I need to root for those events. I'm going to figure this whole thing out at some point.

9:44 p.m. - Miami running back Ricky Williams runs for a first down, hurdling over a defender on his way. This seems like a good time to mention that the Kansas State defense limited Williams to 43 yards on 25 carries during his Heisman Trophy-winning 1998 season. Ahh, memories.

9:50 p.m. - The Dolphins grab a 17-14 lead when quarterback Chad Henne connects with tight end Anthony Fasano for a short touchdown pass. Said play has no implications on my fantasy football match up, but apparently the outcome of this game actually matters, too. Who knew?

9:57 p.m. - Braylon Edwards just made one of the most athletic touchdown receptions that anyone familiar with football could imagine. To attempt to describe it would be an exercise in futility.

10:01 p.m. - Note to self: Edit the last entry, as a coach's challenge resulted in Edwards being marked down at the one-yard line, as opposed to finding the end zone.

10:02 p.m. - Guess what, Miami? Your challenge doesn't matter. The Jets score the very next play.

10:09 p.m. - Not two minutes after Gruden mentions that the Dolphins need to get receive Ted Ginn involved in the game, Henne connects with him for a 53-yard score. I'm not frantically searching to see if I can find Gruden's cell phone number in order to request that he mention that Ronnie Brown needs to score another touchdown.

10:11 p.m. - In what has to be a shock to many, it turns out that I do not have the cell phone number of a former NFL head coach that once led his team to a Super Bowl victory.

10:17 p.m. - The Dolphins break up a pass on third down and the ESPN production crew cuts to a shot of what seems to be some fan that is on the field pretending to be a cheerleader. He just threw down a pair of foam fingers in excitement.

10:21 p.m. - A two-yard carry by Brown gives him 60 rushing yards on the night. It also gives Get Off of Mike Cloud a 102-101 lead. Now I might be forced to root for Brown to be benched the rest of the game, just to avoid any possibilty of achieving negative points.

10:22 p.m. - Call the game due to lightning! Call the game due to lightning!

10:23 p.m. - I realize there has been no threat of stormy weather in the Miami area tonight... I'm just shooting for hope.

10:27 p.m. - The Jets just picked up 49 yards on a pass interference penalty that should have never been called. 49 yards! The referee that called that one may need to send an apology card later on this week.

10:29 p.m. - The Jets score one play later and now lead 27-24. Fantasy implications or none, this is one heck of a game.

10:39 p.m. - There are less than two minutes left in the game. Miami trails by three; yet, they're alternating quarterbacks. Calling this strategy "unconventional" is like calling the throwback uniforms the Broncos wore this weekend "aesthetically displeasing."

10:43 p.m. - Touchdown, Ronnie Brown! Brown carries up the middle for a score with just six seconds left. He just cemented a victory for Get Off of Mike Cloud... Oh yeah, and I guess he helped his real team out a little, too.

10:45 p.m. - It seems that I can put off rooting against myself for now. Ronnie Brown has proven that the Derek Curse can be overcome. Thank goodness. I would have felt pretty awkward quietly repeating to myself "Say some thing offensive! Say something offensive!" when encountering potential dates.

Ode to the Drunk Sitting Behind Me

It's game day at Arrowhead Stadium,
The game clock has just started to crawl;
Unfortunately the guy sitting behind me,
Has consumed absurd amounts of alcohol.

K-State stands on our side, Iowa State on the other,
Meanwhile, we're up in the top stadium deck;
There's no chance someone on the field could hear your "quips,"
Nevertheless, you decide to check.

Your taunts of the Cyclones are insufferable,
Your mouth is where lame, slurred comments are born;
I understand the opposing squad is from Iowa,
But please don't tell them to "G'eat some hot corn."

I'm not sure how many beers you've consumed,
Nor the number of brain cells you now lack;
But, it's hard to pass much respect your way,
When you fall forward over my seat and onto my back.

I help you back up, you mumble something incoherent,
It's quite a relationship that we maintain;
I don't recall any bonding, or singing of "Lean on Me,"
But with your level of inebriation, you'd probably forget the refrain.

Apologies are passed on by your family,
But, oddly, the booze continues to flow;
Seems that those truly apologetic,
Would either cut you off or tell you to go.

How can I tell that you're still drinking?
How do I know that on a liquid diet you continue to dine?
Perhaps it's a gift, a sixth sense, if you will,
That, or I feel the suds just spilled down my spine.

More apologies are given, a "free ride" is mentioned,
I'm not really sure what that means;
I just know my shirt smells a lot like a brew now,
Sitting in front of you? It was "Bad Idea Jeans."

The game is a tight one. It's down to the wire,
I could live without you hitting me as you clap and cheer;
The 'cats won by one, so I'll try not to complain,
Your celebration? Probably more beer.

Nothing But Football Strikes Back: The Main Event

At this point in time, my couch is making comments about how lazy I am, but I can't quit now. It's nearly Wildcat game-time.

9:09 p.m.
Before we get to K-State-UCLA coverage, we're treated to the end of the Cincinnati-Oregon State contest. Out of sheer boredom, I decided to look at Cincy's athletic website. It makes me wonder if they have a difficult time believing that they actually have a successful football program.
Why do I feel this way? The Bearcats list their spring game as a victory on their schedule page.

9:24 p.m.
Apparently things are more relaxed on the west coast. I was pretty certain kickoff was set for 9:15 p.m. Weird.

9:27 p.m.
UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel basically confirms that we'll see two different UCLA quarterbacks in the game tonight. With that, the over/under for quarterbacks to appear in this game is set at 4.5. What's your bet?

9:30 p.m.
Wildcat quarterback Carson Coffman carries the ball on two consecutive plays. The next play, running back Daniel Thomas carries. One of the plays was not like the others.

9:33 p.m.
An announcer insists on calling K-State receiver Attrail Snipes "AN-trail," despite the fact that his first name does not contain the letter necessary to create the "nuh" sound in the English language. Oh well. Names can be DIN-ficult.

9:35 p.m.
After putting together a rather productive drive, it all goes awry when Coffman throws an interception after being flushed from the pocket. Opening-drive points are overrated, anyway.

9:45 p.m.
The Bruins take a 7-0 lead after pushing the ball down the field in fairly impressive fashion. D'oh.

9:52 p.m.
Right after I send a text message complaining about too many carries by Coffman, the Cats get a big gain on a shovel pass that was perfectly set up by the QB run threat, and then get another good gain on a QB keeper. There are many reasons I don't coach football; this supports one of them.

9:53 p.m.
After missing a touchdown by a length of receiver Brandon Banks' toes, kicker Josh Cherry knocks in a field goal to put the Wildcats on the board. Cherry missed three kicks a week ago, so such a sight is akin to seeing a Gatorade factory after being lost in the Sahara.

9:59 p.m.
UCLA has a touchdown called back due to having an ineligible receiver downfield. Nonetheless, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about my prediction.

10:05 p.m.
UCLA hits a field goal, and it's revealed that some stats for this game are sponsored by eharmony.com. K-State is thin enough on the defensive line that I'm tempted to check eharmony for some backups. Does it work as a recruiting service?

10:14 p.m.
UCLA converts on 3rd-and-14.

10:15 p.m.
I turn on the curse-word filter in my head.

10:16 p.m.
UCLA decides to try to pick on the most proven player on the K-State defense, cornerback Josh Moore. Moore expresses his appreciation by pulling down an interception. I'm not sure what the Bruins were trying to accomplish there, but I hope they try it a few more times.

10:26 p.m.
K-State is penalized after a UCLA player shoves a Wildcat into the Bruin punt returner. Two plays later, the Bruins are down to the Wildcat 35-yard-line. Luckly, the curse-filter is working effectively.

10:31 p.m.
Wildcats limit Bruins to a field goal. Bruins lead 13-3. K-State is right back in this game if they can score a touchdown... Unfortunately, at times that seems like a pretty big "if."

10:37 p.m.
Daniel Thomas completes a pass out of the Wildcat formation... And tonight's winner of the "get this guy the ball more" award is... Daniel Thomas!

10:39 p.m.
Thomas gets the ball... Unfortunately, he has to scoop it off the turf after a failed pitch on the option. What starts with 'p' and rhymes with bunt?

10:42 p.m.
UCLA leads 13-3 at the half. The announcer deems it an "effective" half for both squads. I disagree.

11:06 p.m.
We're back, and the announcers are talking about the Rose Bowl as if it is the Holy Land. I'm 98-percent sure that's not true.

11:16 p.m.
The Wildcat offense looks effective thus far on this drive. The reason? Thomas has taken several snaps in the Wildcat and has befulddled the Bruin defense. No. 8 needs to be involved in nearly every play at this point.

11:22 p.m.
"A lot of Wildcat fans expected Thomas to be a Michael Beasley or Ell Roberson-type."
Honestly, I didn't expect Daniel Thomas to be anything like Michael Beasley. I don't recall him doing much on the gridiron.

11:24 p.m.
Thomas finds paydirt. Wildcat fans find hope. Coach Snyder finds an offensive option.

11:25 p.m.
The special teams unit finds a new way to botch an extra point when the holder somehow cannot find the ground to set the ball on. I've lost track of a lot of things in my life, but the ground has never been one of them.

11:30 p.m.
UCLA punts after finding nothing on offense. Can the Cats score on back-to-back possessions?

11:33 p.m.
No. But, the Bruins' next drive starts at their own 4 after a nifty punt by Ryan Doerr.

11:37 p.m.
UCLA punts from its own end zone and KSU's next drive will start at the Bruin 41. Can the Cats score on alternating possessions?

11:40 p.m.
A Bruin defender leads with his head instead of thinking with it, prompting a flag and extending the Wildcats' drive. Hooray for mindless antics.

11:43 p.m.
The field goal unit is back. Accuracy is not. K-State misses an opportunity to cut the UCLA lead to one. I think they might be approaching the record for missed kicks set by a Charles Brown years ago.

11:46 p.m.
UCLA receiver Nelson Rosario a one-handed grab that any receiver would envy. Speaking from experience, it's also a catch that brings fans of the opposing team to shout obscenities.

11:54 p.m.
The UCLA kicker nailes a field goal. He's on the Groza Award (best kicker) watch list. It seems that a kicker is something one takes for granted until they don't have one.

11:58 p.m.
That drive was about as productive as a visit from a Jehovah's Witness.

12:03 a.m.
We're past midnight, and UCLA drive is saved by a horse-collar penalty. The Bruins capitalize with a long passing touchdown... I never have been a fan of equestrian fashion. 

12:14 a.m.
A pass that basically amounted to K-State's last chance to stay in this game just fluttered to the ground like wounded moth. Thirteen hours after it began, Nothing But Football day ends with nothing but aggravation. This game could have been something very different, but the production from certain areas on this team is far less than it should be.  

12:18 a.m.
Unbelievably, K-State attempts to defy my eulogy by forcing a fumble and getting the ball back. Miracle time?

12:20 a.m.
If allowing two sacks, a near-interception, and an actual interception in a span of four plays counts as a miracle, then yes; miracles can happen. Who has a fork? This one is done. Bruins 23, Wildcats 9. 

12:22 a.m.
I never have liked football, anyway.

Copyright Derek D. Larson

Nothing But Football Strikes Back: 6 p.m. - 9 p.m.

This edition of Nothing But Football brought to you by Little Caesar's Pizza. Providing authors of blogs that few read with suitable Saturday evening meals since the dawn of time.*

*Timeline may be skewed.

6:59 p.m.
Louisiana Lafayette @ Louisiana State
LSU leads the battle for Cajun Country 14-0 in the second quarter. A Lafayette victory would make K-State's loss to them look a lot more respectable... I'm not expecting to gain any respect.

7:06 p.m.
Florida State @ BYU
For the second time today, I've heard mention of a football player missing some time with the swine flu... I know there's a lot of this going around, and that it's a serious issue, but would it be so wrong if we started calling it the "pig plague"? Alliteration makes everything better.

7:17 p.m.
Florida State @ BYU
The play-by-play announcer for this game is slightly less annoying than having your ear canal serve as a temporary beehive. Enough is enough, and it's time for a change.

7:36 p.m.
Texas Tech @ Texas
The Longhorns return a punt for a touchdown and end up celebrating near the school mascot, Bevo - an actual longhorn. The beastly being rose to its feet and for a moment I thought we might see what it would look like if a rodeo clown wore football pads. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and Bevo went back to simply hating his life as a showcow.

7:53 p.m.
Texas Tech @ Texas
Thanks to a hot-potato fumble, the Red Raiders just lost 32 yards on one play. Oddly, Texas Tech chooses not to go for it on 4th-and-41. I think they need a dose of "bold and daring."

7:54 p.m.
Self-loathing @ Derek
I kind of hate myself for typing that.

7:56 p.m.
Texas Tech @ Texas
According to Brent Musburger, Texas Tech coach Mike Leach is "absolutely fascinated" by pirates. Garrr?

8:08 p.m.
Temple @ Penn State
How long before PETA attempts to strike the phrase "pooch punt" from the football dictionary? It's bound to happen, right?

8:12 p.m.
Texas Tech @ Texas
After the Red Raiders convert on 4th-and-2, Kirk Herbstreit says that he thinks Detron Lewis has a chance to be "this year's Michael Crabtree." Does this mean Lewis is going to sit out next season when he doesn't think the millions of dollars he's being offered are enough?

8:31 p.m.
West Virginia @ Auburn
Word from the press box is that there are several "smurf hybrid" players in this game. Shows what I know... I thought smurfs were fictional. Apparently they're not only real, but they're having interspecies relationships with humans. I wonder if there are any Gargamelian descendants playing on the opposing squad.

8:45 p.m.
Texas Tech @ Texas
The Red Raiders pull off a fake kneel-down so convincing that the referees rule the play dead and the half ends. This proves my theory: referees hate entertainment.
On another note, Mike Leach refrains from talking like a pirate in his halftime interview.

8:58 p.m.
Other games prepare to take a back seat, as it's nearly time for the game everyone* has been waiting for.

*Naturally, for purposes of The Writings, "everyone" refers to everyone that reads this blog. The over-under on this number has been set at 1.5.

Because I enjoy making predictions (even though most inevitably go horribly wrong), here's the shot at tonights game. Wildcats top the Bruins 20-19. You read it here first. (... and probably last.)

Nothing But Football Strikes Back: 2:30 p.m. - 6 p.m.

Previously on Nothing But Football...
Announcers acted as if they owned players, a Cal running back attempted to win the Heisman with one game, and a horrendous pun was offered up by the author.

2:39 p.m.
Utah @ Oregon
No two people have the same fingerprints. No two people have the same DNA. No two snowflakes are exactly alike. Along the same lines, I don't know if the University of Oregon has ever worn the same football uniform twice. I'm waiting for the day that they take the field with Daffy Duck on the side of their helmets.

2:49 p.m.
Michigan State @ Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish score. Bandwagon fans everywhere consider rooting for Notre Dame again, but decide they better wait until they're in definite bowl contention.

2:53 p.m.
Tennessee @ Florida
Bryce Brown, a freshman running back from Wichita, carries the ball for the Volunteers. Brown refused to consider attending K-State when a certain former coach was "pursuing perfection" with the program, but showed a little interest again once Bill Snyder took over the program. Alas, it was not enough to land Mr. Brown.
Ron Prince - the gift that keeps on giving.

Non-football Rant (effectively rendering the title of this Writing "Nothing but Football..." moot. Sorry. You get what you pay for.)
Can someone explain the concept behind the Tacos at Midnight-flavored Doritos? Is there a distinct difference between the taste of a taco at midnight and the taste of a taco at any other time of day? Does it refer to the fact that the disgruntled employees of a fast-food Mexican place might even be further disgruntled if they are still making tacos at midnight? Or is this flavor derived from the fact that most people who are eating tacos at the midnight hour probably have some booze in their system? Have the chips been soaked in skunky beer? Which is it?

3:22 p.m.
Tulsa @ Oklahoma
I enjoy watching OU backup quarterback Landry Jones, who is taking snaps since Sam Bradford went down in the opening game of the season, play football. Why? It has nothing to do with his playing style. It has everything to do with the fact that he currently is sporting a mustache that makes him look like a skinny Farva from Super Troopers. It's undeniably entertaining.

4:13 p.m.
Michigan State at Notre Dame
The Spartans score to take a 17-16 lead just before halftime. The game is a tight one, but the more entertaining thought is the idea of a bunch of rowdy Irishmen actually fighting against Spartan Warriors. That would be an epic battle.

Quick aside...
For those worried about the well-being of someone who stays locked up in his apartment all day watching football when the weather is near-gorgeous in the outdoor world, don't fret. My windows are wide open. I could not get more fresh air if they sold it in packets at vending machines... Although that's probably because I would refuse to buy it, much like bottled water.

5:04 p.m.
Tulsa @ Oklahoma
The Sooner Troopers are up 45-0 with seven minutes remaining in the third quarter and the game's announcers have begun comparing football to life. "You get knocked down, you gotta get back up." ... I'll take "Quotes you hear when your team has no chance of winning," Alex.

5:05 p.m.
Tulsa @ Oklahoma
I also realized that the announcer was dangerously close to quoting Chumbawamba. What ever happened to that group?

5:13 p.m.
Nebraska @ Virginia Tech
According to the sideline reporter, a player in this game "just limped off with a right leg." I'll take instead of the alternative (limping off without a right leg) any day.

5:30 p.m.
Tennessee @ Florida
The Gators just picked off a Volunteer pass to seal a 23-13 victory. One commentator talks of how Tennessee put up a good fight against the top team in the nation, and says that coach Lane Kiffen might not sing "Rocky Top" (the unofficial fight song of UT) after the game, but he can sing Aretha Franklin's "Respect."  I will mail my next paycheck to CBS if Kiffen does this in his postgame interview.

5:34 p.m.
Tennessee @ Florida
My paycheck is safe.

5:46 p.m.
Nebraska @ Virginia Tech
Behind 15-10, two Hokies just hooked up on an 81-yard pass play to put them at Nebraska's three-yard-line with just over a minute left. No failed attempt to be amusing here. It was just an impressive play.

5:50 p.m.
Nebraska @ Virginia Tech
After dancing in the pocket for seemingly the length of a Harry Potter marathon, VT quarterback Tyrone Taylor finds a receiver in the back of the end zone for a touchdown. Hokies 16, Huskers 15, with 21 seconds remaining. Wow.

5:54 p.m.
An update was just shown of the USC-Washington matchup, in which the Huskies upset the No. 3 Trojans. Two words come to mind: Ha. Ha.

5:56 p.m.
Nebraska @ Virginia Tech
A VT interception ends things. The Hokies are victorious. Virginia Tech was the higher ranked team, yet VT fans are storming the field, causing a ruckus in general, and forcing coach Frank Beamer to yell at a few of them. I refuse to attempt to make sense of this situation.

6 p.m.
Michigan State @ Notre Dame
In a situation that could not be made up, a Notre Dame player just tackled his own teammate in the Irish backfield. I hope the statkeepers at least give the guy credit for the tackle. It was a decent hit.

Nothing But Football Strikes Back: 11 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.

It's Saturday, again. It's a day full of college football games, again. The Kansas State Wildcats are on the road, again.

Bake those ingredients at 350-degrees for a couple of hours and, odds are, I'll be about as active today as an average paperclip.*

*What about an above-average paperclip? Your expectations of me are entirely too high.

With my agenda set*, my couch fully prepared to support my body weight for 13 hours, and my fridge just 12 feet away, it seems that the second edition of Nothing But Football is imminent. Join me, won't you?

*11 a.m. - Midnight - watch football and note observations that I (and most likely no one else) find relevant and/or slightly humorous.
Midnight - 12:01 a.m. - Briefly regret the fact that I have no life to speak of.
12:01 - 12:02 a.m. - Consider actually developing some social skills, which might aide one in developing a social life.
12:02 a.m. - 12:03 a.m. - Say "nah" quietly to myself, with a wry grin; the sort you might expect at the close of a poorly written 1980s sitcom.
12:03 a.m - Sleep.

10:44 a.m.
College Gameday
No, games have not started yet, but ESPN is already doing its best to grind my gears. For the past year, whenever a situation has called for Texas Tech highlights to air, the network has seemingly just popped in the game film from the Red Raiders' game with K-State last season. I realize that Tech dominated, winning 58-28. I also realize that then-quarterback Graham Harrell threw for over 400 yards and six touchdowns. Nevertheless, as a K-State alum, I would not mind occasionally seeing a highlight of a Red Raider touchdown that did not take place in Manhattan. Please.

11:03 a.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
"This is what college football is all about."
I'm not sure how many times I have heard that phrase, but I'm pretty confident that every time I've heard it, it has been in reference to something different. Just now, the phrase was uttered regarding the atmosphere at TCF Bank Stadium. Apparently college football is "all about" corporate sponsorships.

11:10 a.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
The Golden Bears just put together a rather impressive scoring drive, going 80 yards in nine plays. All but seven of those yards game via Cal's rushing attack, led by running back Jahvid Best. Meanwhile, one commentator mentioned that Minnesota defenders were waiting for the arrival of the Calvary. Not the cavalry, mind you, but the Calvary. This game seems to have taken a religious turn.

11:23 a.m.
Duke @ Kansas
Duke quarterback Thaddeus Lewis finds a hole in the defense and runs 20+ yards for a touchdown. The Blue Devils lead the Jayhawks 7-0. It's early - very early - and the odds of Duke holding on to such a lead are akin to a donut's chance of surviving on the KU sideline. Nevertheless, I always enjoy the thought of the Jayhawks losing.

11:32 a.m.
Eastern Michigan @ Michigan
The Wolverines score to take a 10-3 lead and the Michigan band celebrates by playing "Hail to the Victors." The aforementioned fight song is also the fight song of my high school alma mater; as a result, I'm reminded of my high school glory days on the gridiron. It's hard to believe it's been ten years since those in the class ahead of me made it their personal missions to see how firmly they could plant me in the dirt each day in practice. (Pretty deep, it turns out.) Nothing like a good game of "paste the skinny kid that minds his own business." Ah, memories.

12:11 p.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
Jahvid Best takes off for his third touchdown of the day. The score prompts one of the commentators to say, "That's my boy."
... I don't think he's speaking literally.

12:47 p.m.
Duke @ Kansas
KU leads 20-7 at the half. Due to an unwritten but understood rule of The Writings, I cannot provide any more updates of this game unless Duke regains the lead... I wouldn't expect to hear from this game again.

1:02 p.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
The game commentators just talked about a 310-pound offensive lineman that used to play ice hockey. I guess if anyone needs a new twist on the "How much does a polar bear weigh?" pickup line, you might have one.
... Then again, a response of "Not as much as that dude," may not have the intended effect.

1:14 p.m.
East Carolina @ North Carolina
In a battle of directional Carolina's, the northern version blocks a field goal. One announcer refers to the player who blocked the kick as "our guy." Is it just me, or is there a disturbing trend of commentators taking ownership of players today? First we had "my boy," and now "our guy." If we reach the point where a player is referred to as "my schmoopy" I'm calling ESPN to complain.

1:22 p.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
The fightin' Gophers just tied the game at 21 with some trickery, but the noteworthy thing here is that comment from the broadcast crew that "it looked like Cal was going to blow Minnesota out of the gym in the first five minutes." Credit goes to the architects in Minnesota, as they made this gymnasium look frighteningly like an outdoor stadium. It's uncanny.

1:41 p.m.
Eastern Michigan @ Michigan
"Your guy." Is there some sort of illegal college athlete trafficking program going on that I'm unaware of?

2:06 p.m.
Cal @ Minnesota
The Golden Bears have 35 points, and all five of their touchdowns have been scored by Jahvid Best. It's probably safe to say that he's the best of the Bests.

... I'm sorry. It had been awhile since I'd had the chance to write such a horrible pun. It's an addiction and I'm seeking help for it.

Nothing but Football - 3 p.m.-4:18 p.m.

... picking up where we left off...

3:09 p.m.
Texas @ Wyoming
The Cowboys draw a standing ovation as the result of closing the first quarter down just three points to the No. 2 Longhorns. That's nice. I haven't seen a good moral victory ovation in awhile.

3:15 p.m.
BYU @ Tulane
Continuing an earlier theme, I'm now stuck with the question: In nature, how would a cougar react if it encountered a green wave?
... I think I may have too much time on my hands.

3:19 p.m.
Notre Dame @ Michigan
In describing Michigan quarterback Denard Robinson, and announcer just referred to his feet as "magic" and said "He's electric" in a 20-second span. While I'm disappointed that the announcer didn't follow up said statements with "boogie woogie woogie," I'm also rather curious. I've never before seen a person that runs on electricity whose feet perform illusions. Seems like the Wolverines could sell tickets just based on that.

3:40 p.m.
Houston @ Oklahoma State
I think fans who are shown on camera during football game broadcasts should not allowed to yell "We're number one!" and hold up one finger (normally the index finger... hopefully) unless they are actually fans of the team that is ranked No. 1. If not, they must appropriately represent their school.
For example, OSU is ranked No. 6. Therefore, their orange-clad fans are allowed to look at the camera with wild looks in their eyes and yell "We're No. 6!" while holding up six fingers. If your team is not ranked in the top 10 (and therefore cannot be appropriately represented by your fingers," you are allowed to yell "We're... trying to get better! Seriously, we are! Someday - hopefully soon -  we'll be in finger-representation range!"

4:01 p.m.
Houston @ Oklahoma State
Thanks to an on-side kick and then some nifty running on a screen pass, Houston takes a 24-7 lead over OSU. At this rate, Cowboys' fans might want to yell "We're number six!" while it's still factual.

4:08 p.m.
Texas @ Wyoming
Words of wisdom from this broadcast crew: "It's not how you react, it's how you respond."
Funny, I react and respond to that comment in the same way: They're synonyms! The words mean the same thing! The definition for "react" at www.thefreedictionary.com even begins "To act in response..."
Sorry, broadcast crew, it's not that you're wrong, you just aren't right. 


4:18 p.m.
... With that, it's time to leave the home office (my couch) to go secure seats to view K-State's battle against Cajuns who apparently show unnecessary rage. Unfortunately, my trusty laptop will not be making the aforementioned journey. 

It's true, all good things (and, as in this case, all appallingly mediocre things) must come to an end.

Nothing but Football - 11 a.m.-3 p.m.

It's the second Saturday of the college football season and K-State is down in Cajun country. If there's a better occasion to waste a day watching college football and composing random nonsense in electronic written form, I've yet to hear it.

11:09 a.m.
Fresno St. @ Wisconsin
An injury to Wisconsin's starting center prompts the hypothetical question from on announcer, "What are you going to do when you have 290 lbs. lined up on your nose?"
My hypothetical answer involves some combination of the fetal position, uncontrollable sobbing, and prayers for mercy... But that's just me.

11:45 a.m.
Iowa @ Iowa State
They just showed footage of Iowa State students running into the stadium to secure good seats as soon as the gates opened. A few students took pretty good tumbles as they ran down the Jack Trice Stadium steps.
Normally, the saying "no pain, no gain" might come into play, but Iowa State football is involved... Pain is inevitable; gain, unlikely.

11:49 a.m.
Common Sense @ Derek Larson
A pot and a kettle just made awkward small talk after being introduced. I realize it's a little ironic that I'm bashing a struggling college football team when my alma mater has not appeared in the postseason since 2006. Please remember, logic isn't something normally embraced around here.

12:09 p.m.
Iowa @ Iowa State
Football can sometimes generate deep thoughts in my head. Example: couldn't the "naked bootleg" just be called a "leg"?
Think about it...

12:22 p.m.
Syracuse @ Penn State
"Coach, how do you get better on first down?"
"How do we get better? We play better."
This moment of zen brought to you by Joe Paterno.

12:57 p.m.
It finally happened. I have been flipping through four different games, but at this very moment all are breaking for commercials. It seems that I'm actually going to have to think for mysel- Hey, the Fresno State-Wisconsin game is back on! Whew.

1:14 p.m.
Iowa @ Iowa State
The Hawkeyes take a 21-3 lead on a play where one Cyclone defender ran right over another. Remember that "pain is inevitable" talk we had?

1:28 p.m.
Iowa @ Iowa State
Hawkeyes 28, Cyclones 3. I hope those bruises heal quickly.

1:57 p.m.
Iowa @ Iowa State
Iowa safety Tyler Sash picks off his third Cyclone pass of the day. It's crazy that ISU's relatively recent switch to uniform's that look just like those of USC didn't result in immediate succes... I'm sorry, Cyclone fan(s). I'll stop.

2:07 p.m.
Fresno State @ Wisconsin
The sweetest word in college football? Overtime. It seems weird to feel that way, considering K-State's history in overtime games, but it's just ridiculously entertaining to watch.

2:15 p.m.
Fresno State @ Wisconsin
Wisconsin receiver Nick Toon puts the Badgers ahead in overtime with a diving catch in the end zone. The notion that Nickelodeon sends Mr. Toon a Spongebob Squarepants check every time his name is mentioned remains just a rumor.

2:27 p.m.
Central Michigan @ Michigan State
Thousands stand shocked as the Central Michigan kicker nails a field goal with three seconds left in the game to give the Chippewas a 29-27 lead (and ultimately the win). This is Sparta?

2:32 p.m.
Fresno State @ Wisconsin
The Badgers drop the Bulldogs with a field goal in the second overtime period. It's at this point that I realize that Fresno State coach Pat Hill looks like he'd be a NASCAR fan.
The Writings: Offering insightful observations at opportune times.

2:40 p.m.
BYU @ Tulane
A new batch of games to view brings a new batch of questions to mind... What inspires one to give a school the nickname "Green Wave"? A vision of the future where nuclear waste has polluted all of our oceans? A splash pool lacking chlorine? A farewell from Oscar the Grouch?
I must know.
...
According to Wikipedia, the nickname came about in 1920, as the result of a song titled "The Rolling Green Wave," which was published in the school newspaper.
The Writings: We're here to educate (by citing sources that could have been edited by mentally unstable hobos).

2:49 p.m.
I'm now entertaining myself by thinking of possible school nicknames that could be inspired by songs of the current generation. The Boston Boom Boom Pow? The Louisiana LOL :-)? The San Diego Sexy Bitches?*
Thankfully, those in charge of university's no longer follow such trends.

*These song inspired mascots brought to you by www.billboard.com. Truth told, I'm not exactly in touch with most of today's music scene, and therefore needed a little help finding some song titles for the tunes kids are listening to these days.
The Writings: We're hip.

Good News, Bad News - K-State vs. UMass Edition

Good news - The Kansas State Wildcats started the 2009 season 1-0 with a win on Saturday.

Bad news - The Wildcats nearly coughed up an 18 point lead, and only beat Division-IAA, FCS, brought to you by the letter B, YMCA opponent UMass by four, 21-17.

Good news - Saturday's game served as a "family reunion," with over 300 former K-State football players returning to watch the action.

Bad news - I know plenty of people that despise family reunions.

Good news - Legendary coach Bill Snyder also returned for the Wildcats, starting his second coaching sting at K-State.

Bad news - Snyder was not able to have former players like Terry Pierce, Terence Newman, Darren Sproles or Jordy Nelson suit up in purple.

Good news - The Wildcats will have an opportunity to get rid of the sour taste of their wafer-thin victory in less than a week.

Bad news - This chance will come in Lafayette, La., where the humidity may be near 123-percent by gameday. Weather forecasters are refusing to calculate the anticipated heat index, as the figure gives them brain cramps.

The Favrings

Since their inception, The Writings have been about two things:

1. Providing insightful tales of early Latvian settlers in southern Connecticut; and,

2. Providing in-depth analysis of everything Favre.

Naturally, this is an exciting week at The Writings, and not just because LatFest 09 is taking place in Guilford, Conn.* This week marks Brett Favre's triumphant return to the NFL. After leaving the Vikings, the NFL, the nation, and even the world in a state of mourning after saying he would remain retired a week ago, Favre's recent decision to join the Vikings was met with widespread joy.

*Editor's note: Unfortunately, research does not support this claim.

In Minnesota, Governor Tim Pawlenty proclaimed this week "Brett Favre Week" and declared that any state employee who purchased a #4 Vikings jersey could enjoy a paid month off, and that they would earn bonuses for correctly answering Favre trivia.

Across the Midwest, schools delayed opening so that kids could mimic their hero in sandlot football games. This meant children everywhere walked outside of their homes carrying footballs, only to decide they were no longer interested in playing. They walked back indoors, but reemerged seconds later, wearing different clothing, and expressing a new desire for the sport. After tossing the ball once*, the children said they wanted to spend more time with their families and ran back into their homes. Before one could bat an eye (or ask about family), the children then returned outdoors (again wearing different clothing), and said they were ready to play. It's clear that children idolize Mr. Favre.

*The toss was intercepted.

In Washington, inspired by Favre, democrats and republicans chose to put aside partisan politics, and listen to both sides of pressing issues. With a new sense of camaraderie, it was decided that Favre's face would be added to Mount Rushmore.

Favre's return has been a truly epic event, and we at The Writings could not be happier. Longtime readers know how much we love the idea of an aging quarterback holding different franchises in limbo while attempting to decide if he's willing to play another season. They know we love the second-by-second coverage that major media outlets give Favre*. With the contract official, readers now have to know that we think those in the Vikings front office are uber-geniuses for signing an aging QB who threw as many interceptions as touchdowns last season to a two-year, $25 million contract. Brilliant!

*Who wouldn't want to know if a 39-year-old quarterback flossed this morning?

 We at The Writings certainly aren't ROOTING FOR THE VIKINGS TO LOSE EVERY GAME THEY PLAY THIS SEASON. We also certainly don't WANT TO SEE FAVRE CHALLENGE GEORGE BLANDA'S RECORD FOR INTERCEPTIONS THROWN IN A SEASON (42). No, we here at The Writings are thrilled that every NFL recap show this season will ignore quality recaps of every game played in favor of dissecting Favre's choice of ways to stay regular.

The Writings: We're thrilled... THRILLED... that Favre is coming back. As thrilled as we are about attending LatFest 09.

Things I Don't Understand - Spring Football Edition

I went to the K-State spring football game on Saturday.

I apologize if the opening sentence of this Writing seems a little bland, but it seems to fit the subject pretty well. While American football as a spectator sport is often about big hits, exciting plays, roaring crowds, and fierce competition, spring football falls a bit short in most of those aspects. While the contest contained a couple pretty decent hits dispersed and a few plays that could have been deemed exciting, such cases were certainly not the norm, and were not the goal of the game. Football games are played to determine a winner... Spring football games are played to wrap up spring practices and remind people to buy season tickets.

Even Bill Snyder, the legendary former/returning coach of K-State, admitted that the spring game was boring after it was finished. Entertainment is simply not the purpose. It's a glorified practice where the team involved can continue their work on the same basic plays they have focused on all spring. As I see it, there are seven different reasons to go to a spring football game.

1. You are playing in the game.
2. You are coaching in the game.
3. You are a member of the media writing about/broadcasting the game.
4. You are a family member of a player/coach.
5. You are a loyal fan that wants to get an early look at new players/coaching schemes for the upcoming season. (Or you pretend to be doing that, but end up making an endless amount of absurd comments in the process.)
6. You got confused and thought it was a regular season game. (Therefore, you were pretty confused when you got to your seat and realized there was not another team present.)
7. You need an excuse to enjoy the taste of alcohol.  (This one could actually be paired with No. 6, as a drunken stupor could probably lead to such confusion.)

While I have had No. 3 as an excuse for attending a couple times in the past, this year I was firmly in camp No. 5. While this seemed to be a fairly popular reason for attending in 2009, judging from the amount tailgating in the parking lot (accompanied, of course, by a continual chorus of the refrain of the buzzed... You know, "Wooooooo"...(the call echoes in the distance, soon a reply follows...) "Yeaaaaaaaaaah"... (repeat)) choice No. 7 was the clear-cut winner. Unbelievably, I encountered something that falls in the TIDU* chapter of the nonsensical novel that is my life.

*Things I Don't Understand... The Writings: Where pointless acronyms that no one understands are hip.

It's not wise to choose sides in an argument with yourself.
I attended the spring football game by myself. This is either because most of the folks I normally tend to attend such functions with (my cronies, if you will) were unavailable, or because all the folks who I consider to be friends are actually being paid to act as such and their most recent checks bounced.* Nonetheless, upon arriving at the game, I embraced my naturally introverted nature and found a seat in a corner section of the stadium, where few were sitting. I wanted to be able to watch the game on my own and not be distracted by the mind-numbing conversations of those around me.

*This scenario brought to you by the World Paranoia Association... What did you say about us? Nothing? We could have sworn we heard something. 

Despite my best efforts to claim a stake of seating territory that would not have anyone sitting within 10 feet of me, I soon had a family of three seated directly behind me.

Directly. Behind. Me.

They were sitting so close that, at one point, the father's knee was in direct contact with my spine. At a regular football game, this would not be an issue. It's normal to be crowded and uncomfortable. This was not a normal game in the fall. This was spring football. In the very section I (along with this man's knee) was sitting, there was an abundance of open seats. Seats with cushions. Seats without. Seats with numbers even and odd. Seats where once could sit without giving the guy sitting in front of you a kneeatsu* massage. Nevertheless, the family stayed camped right behind me.

*Yes, that was lame... I apologize.

Unfortunately, the contact wasn't the worst part of the situation. Their commentary was. You know how, on TV and in film, it's not unusual to see a little devil pop up on ones shoulder offering mean-spirited advice, and then a little angel pop up on the other offering good-natured advice? Mr. Kneebone and his wife were situated in such a manner that their comments sounded like just that. I'd get one voice in my right ear, the other in my left. I believe, in a Saturday Night Live sketch, that Adam Sandler once referred to such a situation as "stupid in stereo." Alas, I won't be judging whether or not anyone is devoid of intelligence. After all, I may or may not have once gotten my fingers caught underneath an office door when attempting to deliver an envelope. I must, however, address one comment that did boggle my mind.

Those unfamiliar with Bill Snyder-coached spring football games should be told that the format is not one that favors parity. The teams are squads are split up to have starters on one side, backups on the other. Keep in mind, starters normally start because they are better players. As a result, one might expect the starters to win the game, often in sound fashion. The important thing to remember is that, in the end, all of the players are actually on the same team. Mr. Kneebone struggled with this concept. On the Purple squad's (read: first team/starters/better players') first offensive drive, running back Keithen Valentine scored on a nine-yard touchdown run. At this point, most fans in attendance were excited. Points had been scored. It was reason for celebration. Amidst all the hoorays* and yippees*, the voice on my right shoulder grunted, "C'mon defense!"

*Disclaimer: Such words are simply used to express the muffled excitement of the crowd. The author heard no actual shouts of "hooray" or "yippee."

Upon hearing this, I sat perplexed. It seemed this man had chosen sides in an intrasquad scrimmage. I struggled to make sense of the situation, but found no solace in reasoning. He was rooting for K-State, against K-State. It was like he was arm-wrestling himself and cheering for "Lefty." Surely this man recognized that the end result of this game had slightly less bearing on the upcoming football season that the date of the punter's next haircut. Surely this man realized that the starting squad scoring against the backups would not be an uncommon event; that it was a foregone conclusion that the offensive starters could find the end zone against defensive reserves. Surely he knew that any progress shown by Valentine - who began last season as the starting running back, but fell out of favor and rarely saw the field by the end of the season - was progress that the Wildcats' running game will depend on this fall.

He didn't. Throughout the game the "C'mon defense," refrain remained, uttered again and again as the Purple squad scored 45 points to the White squad's zero. I began to wonder if this man just loathed the color purple (the color, not the novel), or if he had seen "Rocky" years ago and now rooted for underdogs with the fervor of a gambling addict down to his last dollar, but I never worked up the courage to ask him.

Hopefully he felt better when he read the paper this morning and realized that K-State won.

Gone-zalez

When the Kansas City Chiefs finished the 2008 season with just two wins, it was obvious that change was on the way. As a fan of KC's professional football team, I simply hoped this change wouldn't involve any desperate measures. I wanted to see a plan in place; to see the team pursue personnel with the future in mind, rather than going for an Air Bud: Golden Receiver* quick fix. To this point, new general manager Scott Pioli has taken steps in that direction. He brought in a young coach who could have a bright future in Todd Haley. He traded for a young quarterback that could very well be a "franchise" signal caller, Matt Cassel.

*The Writings: Your source for references to movies no one has ever seen.

With these additions, plus a few veterans added for good measure, they had already done enough to prove competitive in a weak AFC West. It seemed that a quick fix could actually have KC competing for a playoff spot next season. Perhaps Air Bud (or even Gus, the mule that kicks field goals) might not be a bad move, I thought.

Today, Pioli proved that he has the future in mind.

In trading tight end Tony Gonzalez to the Atlanta Falcons, Pioli has cemented the idea that this team is going in a new direction. Gonzalez, a 10-time Pro Bowler, was by far the most identifiable player on the roster. Mention the Chiefs to an average fan in Green Bay or Cincinnati and, odds are, they would not be able to tell you that Tyler Thigpen was under center, that Jarrad Page was roaming the secondary, or even that KC Wolf was pounding his head against the uprights.* They would be able to tell you about Gonzalez, though.

*He does look a bit raccoonish, after all.

One of the greatest tight ends ever, Gonzalez was a force opposing defenses had to develop new gameplans for. Cover him with a linebacker and you were toast; with a defensive back and you had to deal with his remarkable strength. Also a basketball player while at the University of California, TG went after every pass as if it were a rebound up for grabs. After working through the dropsies in his first couple seasons, he became one of the best receivers in football. He was named 1st-team All-Pro (or the best tight end in the league) five times in a 10-year span. He led the NFL in receptions in 2004, is sixth among active receivers in touchdown receptions, and has broken just about every all-time receiving record that exists for NFL tight ends. If the Chiefs were successful, he was involved.

Now, he's gone.

In return, the Chiefs receive a 2010 second round draft pick from the Falcons. It's a move that shows a commitment for the future, but I have to wonder what it means for the present. I'm a strong supporter of the idea that a quarterback, especially a young quarterback, needs a safety outlet - a receiver they are comfortable with; a receiver who can seemingly read the QB's mind and be depended on to come up with a difficult catch when the quarterback is under pressure. Gonzalez was the ultimate example of this. He seemed to bail his quarterback out with a catch in traffic every other possession. I think Damon Huard may have been considering making Tony a friendship bracelet for this very reason in 2007. In 2009, while Gonzalez is quickly becoming Matt Ryan's BFF in Atlanta, Tom Brady's former understudy Cassel may be presented with the option of either taking a sack or heaving the ball downfield to Brad Cottam or Jeff Webb. I'm not sure which is the least painful option.

As is the case with most Writings, I'm sort of rambling with no real direction and I'm making little sense. In this case, it fits perfectly, as I'm trying to decide if this move by the Chiefs shows any direction and makes any sense.

Those in favor of the trade will argue that it's best to put the past behind us. The Chiefs never won a Super Bowl, or even a playoff game, with Gonzalez at tight end, so his absence can't be that devastating. He's getting old - in football years - and is eating up salary cap space. Succinctly, he's not part of the future of the team. He's not part of the Pioli plan.

Those refusing to hang their red No. 88 jerseys in the closet will tell you that, despite the fact that he'll be 33 this season, Gonzalez is still one of the top offensive weapons in football. He caught 96 passes last year (good for 4th in the NFL) for 1,058 yards. Sure, the Chiefs are bringing in a talented quarterback, but it's one that was sacked more than any other in the NFL last season, and the Chiefs offensive line isn't exactly a razor wire fence when it comes to protection. He could use a receiver as reliable as Tony. Beyond football, Gonzalez was a great representative of the team in the community. He participated in outreach programs and charities and was not one to have his name appear in the news for negative reasons.

With the trade finalized, there's seemingly little I can do about it. (Oddly, we at The Writings do not have veto power of NFL transactions... yet.) The move seems to make sense for a rebuilding franchise, and there's really no better time for rebulding than when you're coming off a season where you won slightly more games than a team of directionally challenged howler monkeys might.

It makes sense, but is it the right move?

Uhh... Next question please.

Wheeling and Dealing (minus the "wheeling")

In 2004, the Kansas City Chiefs drafted Junior Siavii and Kris Wilson in the second round of the NFL Draft. In two seasons with the Chiefs, Siavii started as many games at defensive tackle as the Geico gecko and accumulated slightly more tackles than most place kickers. Meanwhile, Wilson - once touted as the secret weapon in KC's offense - never totaled more than 24 receptions or three touchdowns in a season. These numbers leave a bit to be desired for second-round picks in the NFL. In fact, you may feel as if you could have drafted better by drawing straws and then throwing them like darts at names of potential draftees in a hat... You may be right. Unfortunately for you and your straw-slinging skills, you won't get the chance to test that strategy with the Chiefs 2009 second rounder.

Alas, six total wins over a span of two seasons can lead to drastic changes. With Scott Pioli and Todd Haley at the helm, the NFL off-season has already seen the Chiefs pick up a probable starting quarterback* and probable starting linebacker. The price paid for these two new pieces? One second-round draft pick. Not too shabby. In fact, the deal seems like near larceny.

*Todd Haley may say there's going to be an open competition for the quarterback position, but I may volunteer to chew some steel wool if Mr. Cassel is not under center when the Chiefs open the season.

Sure, the Patriots may have been looking to cut Mike Vrabel if he hadn't been dealt (my theory), and sure, Matt Cassel* may only have one solid season as quarterback in his post-high school resume (seriously, he never started a game at USC.), but two pick up both players for a single second-round pick is not even a possibility I might have suggested to friends for fear of being laughed at.

*Congratulations go to one particular reader, who predicted that the Chiefs would land Cassel once Pioli wound up as the GM. If only he'd had me write it down earlier... then I could take credit for it.

With two holes filled, where do the Chiefs go from here?

Remember that point from earlier (this is how we at The Writings test reader comprehension) about how the Chiefs have totaled six wins over the last two seasons? That pretty much serves as permission to make changes anywhere and everywhere, and don't be surprised if that is the case. When commenting on the talent of the current Chiefs squad, Haley's remark was "I know we have a pretty good punter right now." That's good news for Dustin Colquitt, but not exactly a ringing endorsement for the rest of the members of the roster.

With that said, I think it's probably time for a few predictions... And how can I argue with myself?

(Please keep in mind that these predictions are made with absolutely no inside knowledge whatsoever. Any predictions that wind up being correct are the result of sheer luck, or possibly just evidence that one of my ancestors was a fortune-telling gypsie.)

- The Chiefs will find a suitor for disgruntled running back Larry Johnson, trading him for a fourth-round draft pick. Jamaal Charles and Kolby Smith will split carries in Haley's first season as head coach.

- A pair of other unhappy Chiefs, Tony Gonzalez and Brian Waters, will wind up sticking with the squad.

- The Chiefs will draft linebacker Aaron Curry with the No. 3 pick in the NFL draft to provide a pass-rushing threat for a team that totaled 10 sacks all of last season.

- Despite the fact that they have Cassel and Thigpen, the Chiefs will also draft a quarterback on the second day. Look for Pat White, Graham Harrell or Nathan Brown to end up in KC.

- In free agency, the Chiefs' signings will include wide receiver Shaun McDonald, offensive guard Derrick Dockery, defensive end Igor Olshansky, and linebacker Angelo Crowell.

- If the author does happen to get any of the aforementioned predictions correct, he'll refer to his uncanny foresight on several occasions in the future. If not, we shall never speak of this again.