Wednesday, January 06, 2010

The People's Post

As snow blows with the force of a behind-schedule UPS truck outside my window, "celebrities" appear on my television reading corny jokes from teleprompters and shouting "what's up" in effort to draw crowd reaction. This can only mean one of two things: either I'll soon see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse galloping through my parking lot or it's time for the People's Choice Awards.

Millions of people all over the nation vote to determine the winners of these awards. How do my opinions stack up with those of the nation at large (or at least those that actually care about the People's Choice Awards)? How out of touch am I when it comes to what's hip*? There's only one way to find out. It's time, once again, to pay entirely too much attention to pointless television and comment about it in a location that few will ever read it. Sounds productive to me.

*Case in point: who still uses the word "hip"?

Favorite Comedy Movie
The People's Choice Award nominees for Favorite Comedy Movie are He's Just Not that Into You, Bride Wars, 17 Again, The Proposal, and The Hangover. I consider myself a huge fan of comedy motion pictures, yet I have seen just one of these movies. Why? Because I'm not a 13-year-old girl. If our society has any chance of surviving much longer, The Hangover must win.

Winner: The Proposal
Folks, this is not a good start. Granted, I may have spent most of 2009 dateless (cue sympathy from reader... followed by pity) and therefore avoiding date movies completely, but even if I had company, I would have a hard time placing that movie in my DVD player without first ramming a toothpick into my retina. Something tells me that might end the evening early.

Either my DVR just had a glitch or the CBS profanity censor just bleeped out the second syllable of Cate Blanchett's last name prior to a preview of the new Robin Hood film. Holy chett!

Favorite R&B Artist
I have no opinion whatsoever in this category. I only mention it because the folks in charge of this whole program decided that the country group Rascal Flatts should present the award. This makes about as much sense as having me present an award for tightrope walking.

Winner: An awkward speech by Mariah Carey.

Favorite TV Comedy Actor
Nominees: Alec Baldwin, Skinny nerd from Big Bang Theory, Emilio Estevez's brother, Steve Carell, Doogie Howser
Time to redeem yourself, people. Pick Steve Carell as The Office's Michael Scott.

Winner: Score one for Derek, as Mr. Carell wins it.

Jeff Probst comes out to announce that the next season of Survivor will be heroes versus villains. For a moment I get a little excited to see people like Hulk Hogan, The Joker, Michael Corleone and Benjamin Linus battling to be the one true survivor. Then I watched the preview. Titles are misleading.

Favorite TV Comedy
Nominees: The Big Bang Theory, The Office, Desperate Housewives, Two and a Half Men, How I Met Your Mother
Apparently the nominating committee was comprised of my sister and my sister alone, as three of her favorite shows are listed. I make it a point to watch exactly one of them. If The Office doesn't win, it's a crime against humanity.

Winner: The Big Bang Theory
I've discovered that when it comes to the word "comedy" I apparently interpret a much different definition than most people. You see, I expect to laugh at a comedy... Crazy idea, I know.

Christian Slater appears, but it's not to announce a sequel to the cinematic masterpiece that was The Wizard. I've lost interest.

Favorite Drama Actor
Nominees: Well, they have this one wrong from the start. Matthew Fox is the nominee from Lost, even though he's not the best actor on the show. Michael Emerson or Terry O'Quinn should have been the pick, and either would win. Lost is the best show on TV, after all*. Nonetheless, of the options given, if Matthew Fox doesn't win, Kiefer Sutherland should.

*This is not a debatable point.

Winner: Hugh Laurie's British accent that he doesn't use when acting.
This travesty falls on the nominating committee.

For a category I'm not mentioning as I have no vested interest, Sandra Bullock just won an award. She's been on stage twice tonight. If there was ever a time to greenlight Speed 3: The Rickshaw Rolleth, this is it.

Favorite Action Star
Gerard Butler, Vin Diesel, Shia Labeouf, Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman
I'm fine with any pick as long Diesel doesn't find his way to the stage in fast or furious fashion.

Winner: Not Diesel.

Wolfboy* from the Twilight film wins Favorite Breakout Movie Actor. He says his People's Choice Award wouldn't have happened without "the people." He also wins the award for Most Obvious Statement. Congratulations!

*Is his character's name really Wolfboy? I have no clue. Will I bother finding out? Nope. He's just living in Teen Wolf's shadow, anyway.

Because DiGiorno is apparently "the people's pizza," slices are now being delivered to folks in the PCA audience. This show is about to earn the award for Loudest Collective Shout of "Oh Sweet Mercy!" After Burning the Roof of One's Mouth on Molten Hot Cheese.

The evening ends with Johnny Depp winning awards for Favorite Actor and Actor of the Decade. Apparently I missed the category for Favorite Blog Containing the Words "Writings" "Derek" and "Larson." Stupid TV.

1 comment:

little apple tally said...

Missed the People's Choices so thanks for the update. I don't have a lot of opinion here.... this people doesn't always choose like the majority.... but hey, how can you not laugh at the Big-Bang Theory? Maybe its cause I seem to know some of those characters. Don't ask, they shall remain anonymous.