With so many couples achieving parent status, it seems to be a good time to share the limited knowledge I have on the subject of child rearing. I understand that a single guy in his 20s may not seem like the best source of parenting advice, but I have reviewed this handy guide - http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html - and done some puppy-sitting in my day. These facts alone may make me more qualified than at least a few parents out there.
On to the tips...
When reading to baby...
Do - Select a colorful book of stories or rhymes with a lot of illustrations and easy verbiage that will help the baby learn.
Do not - Select a text by someone like Stephen Hawking that details wormholes, antimatter, and quantum physics. No matter who you are or what you're interested in, baby's first word should not be "photon."
Further advice - Magazines do not count as story books. Sorry devoted readers of Guns & Ammo or TV Guide.
When putting baby to bed...
Do - Sing a lullaby or play soft, soothing music (if you're like the author and not fit to sing) to comfort the child.
Do not - Put baby to bed to thumping bass of tracks laid down by Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, or any other rap artist. You may find such tactics make the baby cry, and not even in rhythm.
Further advice - Playing any song on Guitar Hero III does not count as singing to the child. Granted, you may be able to do some sick shredding to Slayer's "Raining Blood," but you may find that your infant does not care if you've nabbed the title of "Rock Legend."
When it's time to change the baby...
Do - Keep a light mood about it. There's no use in getting frustrated, you'll be changing a few more in your future (maybe in about 28 minutes).
Do not - Confuse your child with your pet. If there is leakage from the diaper (a phrase I never expected to type in this blog) that gets on your furniture or carpet, sticking the baby's nose in it while saying, "No! No!" will not accomplish much.
Further advice - No, really, keep a light mood about changing the diapers. After all, it's probably about time to do it again.
When traveling with baby...
Do - Be sure your car seat is installed properly in the back seat and snugly buckle the baby in on every trip.
Do not - Neglect the purchase of a car seat because your child is small and your vehicle has jumbo cup holders.
Further advice - At some point in your child's life, he or she will learn to read a map. Do not expect this to happen as an infant. Your baby will not be able to navigate for you on road trips.
When you have baby in public...
Do - Pick the baby up and carry him/her around outside/in the annex/in the lobby if he/she begins crying uncontrollably in church or at a movie.
Do not - Try to prove to the child that the crying bothers other people by crying yourself. Baby will not understand your point, and you may get some weird looks.
Further advice - You will find that your infant will be a popular subject of conversation, even among strangers. People would otherwise not say a word to you may ask you how old your baby is while in line at the market. Answer these inquiries politely, no matter how tired you are. Do not attempt to teach your child obscene gestures in order to repel potential conversationalists.
When walking the baby in your stroller...
Do - Take your time and enjoy the outdoors. It's called a "stroll"er for a reason.
Do not - Release the stroller atop any sort of incline in attempt to test the rig's top speed.
Further advice - Your stroller has wheels, however this does not mean it's road-ready. Avoid merging into any roadway that has motor traffic. Even if the sign on the interstate does not warn against stroller traffic, it is still ill-advised.
When spending time with the baby outdoors...
Do - Be sure the baby has proper sun protection. Wide-brimmed hats (perhaps a baby fedora?) and layers of sunscreen are good ideas.
Do not - Leave the child exposed to the sun and remove his/her shirt because you don't want it to get a farmer's tan.
Further advice - If the unfortunate occurs and there is some sort of stinging insect on your infant, calmly shoo it away. Never swat at the insect with a rolled up magazine while it is standing on your child. This may be viewed as "child abuse" and is widely frowned upon.
When the baby is sick/has a fever...
Do - Take it to the doctor.
Do not - Tell the baby to "toughen up," and follow that with a long-winded ranting detailing how you once went to work with a 102-degree fever and still got more done than your slacker co-workers that day, despite constant hallucinations involving Abe Lincoln, Slimer from Ghostbusters, and a game of Chinese Checkers.
Further advice - Your child's health is no laughing matter... The idea of two trained chimps playing ping pong while a third plays the Magnum P.I. theme song on kazoo, on the other hand, is a laughing matter.
... Ha. Crazy chimps.
When celebrating the baby's first birthday...
Do - Invite family and celebrate with a cake. The kid won't remember it, but you'll have the pictures and memories that you can use to embarrass him/her 15 years down the road.
Do not - Put the baby's face directly next to the solitary burning birthday candle atop the cake, expecting the infant to blow it out. Best case scenario, the kid sneezes it out and your cake has a little extra icing. Keeping the child with ever-developing mental capacity and motor skills away from open flames altogether is the safe route.
Further advice - As mentioned before, your child will not remember this party. Don't get too carried away. Hiring a clown is completely unnecessary, unless your goal is to make your child scream.
If you are a parent/future parent, I hope this advice proves beneficial.
If you know a parent/future parent, feel free to pass these points along.
If you are now dumber after having read this writing, you certainly aren't this first that's happened to.
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