The Latest Thanksgiving Writing You Can Find

It's quite evident to anyone with access to a calendar that I am four days late with the annual Thanksgiving-themed Writing. Please forgive the tardiness. As an apology, I'd like to offer up a Writing free of any groan-inducing Thanksgiving puns or wordplay. Seriously.

Now, on to the cornucopia of things I'm thankful for this year. (Nice try, Derek.)

I'm thankful for my family and my friends. If you're reading this, odds are strong that you fall in one of those two categories (oddly, The Writings have yet to go viral), so thanks for being stupendous.

I'm thankful for the fact that those who are reading this who do know me but don't consider themselves friends or family have not resorted to calling me names or throwing things at me in public. Your decision to express your discontent silently by throwing darts at my picture or burning printed copies of Writings is greatly appreciated.

I'm thankful for the excitement the holiday season can bring; the sort of excitement that causes a two-year-old to take regular breaks while decorating a Christmas tree in order to jump up-and-down waving her hands.

I'm thankful for the fact that my family will add a new member next year. (Also for the fact that she learned quickly to pretend to find my remarks amusing.)

I'm thankful for the fact that I don't have to pay licensing fees every time I respond to the question "So, when are you finding a wife?" with "If I only had a nickel for every time I heard that question." I really need to come up with some better answers.

I'm thankful that the online store at Weather.com is offering 10-percent off today. After all, it's not often that I have the opportunity to receive meager discounts on weather-related memorabilia. Let's hope I can find something that showcases the INCREDIBLE WIT that the Weather Channel is sure to have; something like a "This Wind Blows" T-shirt.

I'm thankful for new work opportunities. In an economic climate where many are jobless, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to move to a new job that suits me better.

I'm thankful that the K-State football team was able to win seven games despite showcasing a defense with more holes than a Connect-Four board.

I'm thankful for the fact that in the nearly 10 years since I graduated high school it has never been revealed that my schooling was a sham, forcing me to go back and complete K-12 all in a span of a few months (with hilarious results) solely to keep that weaselly Eric from taking over my dad's hotel chain.

I'm thankful for the fact that a fair number of my regular readers will immediately identify the film that I abducted that previous scenario from, and that the rest will not give it a second thought, since my relationship with rational thought is not always a close-knit one.

I'm thankful for a No. 5 national ranking. The days where the future of K-State hoops hinged on the potential arrival of a 7-foot volleyball player are long gone.

I'm thankful for the fact that my inner monologue sounds nothing like Dick Vitale.

I'm thankful for neighbors that don't think freestyle rapping is the only worthwhile form of communication.

I'm thankful for tomorrow. (This item of thanks brought to you by the Kansas City Royals.)

I'm thankful for Chiefs defensive coordinator Romeo Crennell and the fact that he was able to convince the Kansas City defense that tackling is, in fact, legal in the game of American football.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to write as often as I have the time and inspiration. I'm also thankful for the fact that some of these Writings actually are deemed rational thoughts.*

*Rational thought rate: 14.2%

All the Thanks You Can Handle

It's that time of year again.

No, not the time of year where I attempt to buy stock in turkeys.

No, not the time of year where I grow depressed that the Chiefs have not won a playoff game since I was 12.

No, not the time of year where I start wearing football cleats everywhere I go in attempt to avoid disastrous slips on sneaky icy patches.

While all scenarios listed above are certainly feasible (and by "feasible" I mean either ridiculous or cripplingly disappointing), they also stray far from the point I am attempting to make. It's the time of year where giving thanks is the thing to do. Granted, one could put up a very good argument that there's always something to be thankful for. I could not agree more; however, since we are approaching the only holiday that actually contains the word "thanks" in its name*, it seems a good time to express the things I'm thankful for via The Writings.**

*Sorry, Thanksentine's Day. You'll get your recognition at some point.

**Nothing says, "thanks" like a seldom-read blog, right?

I'm thankful to be surrounded by an incredible family that supports me in whatever I do... Even if it involves numerous failed attempts at being funny and an in-depth account of an Ottawanian garage sale.

I'm thankful that the youngest member of my family is healthy, growing, and sharp as a tack. Sure, she'll carry around a globe and call it a basketball, but to the astute observer it's rather obvious that in doing so she's expressing her fondness for the Harlem Globetrotters. My guess is that she'll master this by the time she's two... and will be able to whistle "Sweet Georgia Brown" while she's doing it.

I'm thankful for a variety of friends that continue to tolerate me, even when I have nothing to add to the conversation but an obscure sports reference or television quote.

I'm thankful for The Office and seasons 3-11 of The Simpsons, as they have provided most of the material referred to in the aforementioned sentence.

I'm thankful for employment. I hear being a hobo isn't as glorious as it sounds.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to write. The fact that I have not lost any fingers to blood-thirsty doors is a true blessing.

I'm thankful for the chance to combine two things I enjoy - watching sports and writing - when the opportunity presents itself. Message board threads questioning who the heck I am are icing on the cake.

I'm thankful for the fact that Zack Greinke and Billy Butler did their bests to ensure that ritualistic mass suicides would not occur at Kauffman Stadium over the summer.

I'm thankful for the fact that certain college football coaches are actually familiar with the concepts of "halftime adjustments" and "improving during the season."

I'm thankful that the Chiefs choose to win one game they have absolutely no business winning each year. (See: Broncos, 2008; Steelers, 2009). Even the narrowest sliver of hope still counts as hope.

I'm thankful for the fact that I don't think I can dance. My attempts at Conan O'Brien's string dance belong nowhere near the watching eyes of others.

I'm thankful for the fact that "The Biggest Loser" has always been spoken for as the name of a television show... Just in case I ever get on TV.

I'm thankful for the fact that I'm not on TV. It's what is best for me and for the viewing public that is not fond of the level of boredom that could actually make one's brain attempt to escape one's head through the nostrils.

I'm thankful for the fact that my apartment walls are as thick as a cardstock piece of paper, rather than the standard 20# stock. The "dope rhymes" my neighbor "drops" would probably leave me continually "busting a move" with thinner walls.*

I'm thankful for the fact that my readers are willing to put up with completely dated and out of touch attempts to grasp slang. 

I'm thankful for the fact that someday, Brett Favre will actually retire... Someday.

I'm thankful for the fact that you, the reader, apparently made it through this whole list of items I'm thankful for. If you just skipped to the end, thinking there would be some sort of hilarious grand finale, I'm thankful for you, too. Odds are you're confused concerning what blog you're reading, since I focus mostly on in-depth studies of foreign wars, but the thought is appreciated.

An aside...

To those loyal readers that have been checking The Writings new material lately (surely there's been somebody), only to be left with a greater appreciation for week-old posts, I apologize. As you know, regularly scheduled updates have not been common lately. Believe it or not, there are a few things I find more important in life than crafting prose about very little in particular.* Family is one of those things.

*Those who have read the majority of entries on this site may find that hard to believe, but it's true... Sorry to all in the Things I Don't Understand series.

Recent events, as melancholy as they might be, have served as a reminder of one thing about my family. It's composed of fantastic people. From the youngest member to the oldest, whether they're in my immediate family, extended family, or unofficial family, these folks continually prove to be amazing in the care, support, and unselfishness that they show each other. They are great people, and they have certainly helped shape the person that I am today. (If that thought actually blemishes your opinion of them, feel free to strike it.) I know there are still some glum times ahead of us, and I'm certainly aware that I've gone way over the sappiness limit for a typical Writing, but some things in life just merit mentioning.

Big Thanks, Little Thanks, and All Inbetween

Unless my calendar has taken up lying to me as a hobby, it seems that Thanksgiving is next week. What does this mean? It means that children will be using hand tracings to make paper turkeys. It means that millions around the country will eat so much food they barely have the energy to blink. It means that, despite the grave economic conditions, people around the nation will flood retail stores on Black Friday* to get door-busting deals on half-price toaster ovens.

*I won't argue with the fact that it's a good day for shopping, but does it have to come packaged with a name that makes me feel like plague-infested rats will be flooding across the K-Mart tile floors.

Unfortunately, what this also means is that the month of November has gotten by me with nary an update here at The Writings. I could make excuses for this lack of updating, but anything feasible would not be very entertaining. If, on the other hand, I were to say that a pack of wild dingos stole my laptop and infected it with a virus, that would be a better fit for the general feel of this blog, although not exactly feasible. If I then followed by saying that the dingos attacked me and chewed off my fingers (which I find quite necessary when typing) when I tracked them down in their secret billabongside lair and attempted to put an end to their laptop abduction, it seems I would have quite the alibi. Alas,
such is most certainly false, and I can make a hand-tracing turkey to prove it.

Anyway, the focus of this should not be my struggles to pass along the useless items in my mind during the eleventh month of 2008. The focus is embracing the spirit of the upcoming holiday and giving thanks. (Cue uplifting music...) Sure, it's easy to point out things that are not great in life or the things you don't have each and every day, but never forget to be thankful for what you do have.

This past year has certainly not been lacking in new areas necessitating thanks for this writer. New additions to the family and new work opportunities certainly help a person realize how fortunate they are. Combine that with one's health, along with the health and well-being of family and friends, and the idea of getting down over trivial matters seems an awful lot like any arguments that curling is a sport - rather asinine. 

Along with those personal items in the previous paragraph, I'm thankful for the opportunity to cheer on the Kansas City Chiefs and Royals, and the K-State Wildcats. Sure, I may spend a fair amount of time complaining about coaching positions or roster transactions, but it's all in unwavering support of the teams. The frustration of being a nonbandwagoneer is well worth it when those satisfying moments do come your way.

On a Royals note, I'm thankful that general manager Dayton Moore realizes that obtaining a talented position player for a talent relief pitcher is often a pretty good move.

I'm thankful that I've never been in a steel cage match with George "The Animal" Steele.

I'm thankful that my refrigerator is not home to some sort of demon-possessed netherworld.

I'm thankful for the fact that some TV executives really don't seem to have any idea what might be even remotely entertaining. After all, bad television can lead to pretty fun writing.

I'm thankful that I was able to pick Kurt Warner up on the waiver wire in one of my fantasy football leagues.

I'm thankful that people (hopefully) don't let the fact that I'm in multiple fantasy football leagues count against me.

I'm thankful that this winter provides a new opportunity for me to stay
a step ahead of my sworn nemesis. (I'm on to your slippery tricks, Ice!)

I'm thankful that those I communicate with via text message and/or instant messenger are mostly in agreement with my opinions on "terms" like "LOL" and "OMG."

I'm thankful that 99-percent of the time, my local Burger King does have "hamburger meat" available.

I'm thankful that Ben Folds released a new CD. It did not leave the comfy home of my car CD player for a solid month-and-a-half after the purchase date, making my motor maneuvering much safer for myself and fellow motorists.

I'm thankful that my apartment has never been infested with mice, rats, hornets, snakes, wombats, wildebeests or velociraptors. Granted, I can't say this has ever been a big worry, but I'm still thankful.

I'm thankful that my car has not turned out to be a robot from another planted that is hell-bent on wreaking havoc on Earth. (That could make sitting at stoplights a bit awkward.)

I'm thankful for entirely too many things to list in the pages of a blog.

Finally, I'm thankful for you (yes you) the reader. Granted, when writing I'm often aiming to keep myself entertained, but knowing at least one other person is reading (and at least occasionally appreciating) my oft-pointless meanderings certainly helps in maintaining motivation.