Monday, July 27, 2009

In the department of endorsements I should not attempt to comprehend...

Steve Wilkos is featured on a commercial for a company called Gold Rush. Much like the appropriately named "Cash 4 Gold"*, this company will pay you money (I assume it's even American currency) for all that annoying gold that gets in your way and makes your home look trashy.

*Did you know they'll pay cash for your gold? It's true!

Connecting the dots to determine the logic behind this endorsement is kind of like trying to figure out how The Pacifier made over $113 million dollars at the box office. Both serve as excellent scenarios to be depicted on a flash card for the term "mind-boggling."

For those that are not familiar with Mr. Wilkos, he was once the head of security on The Jerry Springer Show. When arguments about the true identities of a baby's daddy would erupt into all-out brawls - complete with chair tossing and censor-stressing language - Steve would appear out of nowhere, get someone in a full-nelson hold, and then attempt to pull their heart from their chest, Temple of Doom-style.* Big and bald, Steve became a fan-favorite, drawing hordes of cheers and chants of his name whenever he would get in the midst of a conflict. He was such a hit, that many people** wondered why the folks advertising Mr. Clean didn't take a hint and have the animated mascot begin attacking child-support dodgers in commercials for the cleaning product. It would have guaranteed a boost in sales.

*I may have made that last part up.

**In this case, "many people" refers to the author and... well... okay, just the author.

At some point, Steve earned his own talk show hosting gig. Luckily for Mr. Wilkos, he was able to spread figurative wings, and was not saddled with a shoddy knock-off of The Jerry Springer Show. No, instead dealing with topics like "My anorexic, cross-dressing, communist son has a drinking problem" his show deals with more serious topics... Okay, I actually have no idea what Mr. Wilkos' new(ish) show deals with, as daytime television often eludes me. A quick look at the website has given me a little taste, though. According to the ticker, I should call the show if I "know a teen that is roaming the streets," if I "need Steve to let someone have it," or if I "need help with an unsolved murder." Unfortunately, it provides a different phone number for each situation. As a result, I'm unsure what number to call to since I need Steve to let a teen roaming the streets have it because they are hiding information concerning an unsolved murder.

Now, it seems Steve has turned his talk show success into a quality endorsement opportunity. Why not? Egging people on to sell their gold seems like a natural transition from breaking up fights between pimps and prostitutes and facilitating talk show topics like "My obese, transvestite caddy can't read a green*", doesn't it? He's gone from serving as the muscle in some of the least civilized confrontations ever filmed to serving as a front man for something that seems like a swindle concocted by a certain Dutch super-villain. . (He loves go-ooooold.) That's only natural, right?


*This topic may not have been covered yet, but it's coming soon. It's a serious issue.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Low Blow

I had a great lead for this Writing. I really did... Unfortunately, the Royals' bullpen blew it in the eighth inning.


I'm sorry Royals. I really am, but nine-game losing streaks fueled by a bullpen that looks as reliable as a Sorny television make optimism difficult, even for those who at one time convinced themselves that Calvin Pickering could be a legit power hitter.  Alas, with recent baseball games serving as little more than opportunities to express unnecessary anger, it's probably best that we avoid this subject for the time being. More regular updates will come in the future. This is my promise to you, dear reader.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Lessons Learned - The Indianapolis Edition (pt. 1)

The fact that I recently spent some time in Indianapolis for work purposes has been well-publicized... on this blog. It was no secret that, while away, I was really looking forward to returning home. Upon hearing that, many people would often assume that I do not enjoy traveling. As a mascot head-wearing football analyst might say, "Not so fast, my friends." The truth is, I do enjoy traveling... when one is actually able to absorb the environment they're in. The trip I just completed did not allow such opportunities. The only thing I was really able to absorb was the atmosphere of the convention center in which I spent around 13 hours each day. By the end of each day, I could not have provided any sort of area weather report, but I could have easily directed you to the nearest restroom or water cooler. (Refreshing.)

While this trip may have been more bogus journey than excellent adventure*, there were a few lessons learned. Naturally, I find it my duty to pass these lessons along to as many people as I can reach. (The 1.5 readers of this blog.) The first such lesson comes in this writing. (Sorry for the brief post, but it seems that television is somewhat addicting when it comes in HD form and there's much less time in a week when you have five Harry Potter films to catch up on).

*Yes, we at The Writings are fluent in Bill & Ted-ese.

Street toughs are born that way.
During a rare opportunity to actually stretch my legs outdoors in the downtown area, I found myself sauntering down a city block, only to see a crew of inner-city teens headed my way. Pants were sagging, shirts were missing, and tattoos were prevalent. It seemed like a group that could normally be a bit intimidating to someone from a small town. However, there was one thing askew. Amidst the visible boxer shorts and icy cold glares, there rolled a stroller.

That's right, a stroller.

I have seen many portrayals of the street life in my day. They have come via television, film, and Michael Jackson music videos. One might think it would be hard to come by something that seemed more out of place than some youths having a dancing knife fight (before settling their differences thanks to more dancing), but this stroller struck such a cord with me. As I walked by, I was tempted to walk up to the stroller to see if the little tike inside was wearing a sagging diaper or had any baby tatts. Luckily, common sense won out and I kept to myself. I'm not sure how small of size brass knuckles come in, but I doubt it would be worth finding out.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Back in Action

Contrary to popular belief, the author of this blog did not go searching for the edge of the world, only to be abducted by alien pirates that feast on skinny Caucasian males every Wednesday. With a business trip* now complete, opportunities to write will again be prevalent. Thank you kindly, faithful reader(s), for your patience. You'll soon be rewarded with (or subjected to) Writings spurned by encounters during my nine days out of state, including baby street toughs and celebrity encounters.

*The phrase "business trip" sounds waaaaaay too sophisticated for anything I'm involved with, but the fact remains that I traveled to perform my job. What else should I call it? A workcation? Employment-fueled travels? An opportunity to screw up my sleeping patterns beyond recognition?

Stay tuned.


Thursday, July 02, 2009

Thought for the Day/Week

Sure, you may not like where you currently sit in life. You may dread heading off to work each morning. You might even seriously consider checking for good prices on bindles so you can prepare for life as a hobo.

You may feel like nothing is going your way at all.

If such is the case, remember one thing: At least you still have Internet access.*

*Disclaimer: This may not apply if you are reading a printed version of this blog... If such is the case, at least you can read.**

**Disclaimer: This may not apply if this is being read to you... If such is the case, at least you can hear.***

***Disclaimer: This may not apply if the words of this blog are being conveyed to you from a friend/family member via a series of blinks... If such is the case, at least you can see.****

****Disclaimer: This may not apply if... well, I'll leave the reasoning up to you... If such is the case, you have probably realized by now that the point of this whole exercise is that there's always something you should be thankful for.*****

***** The Writings: At least the author can put together complete sentences... Most of the time.