quickthoughts

What happens when quick thoughts are not brief enough for Twitter's wickedly unyielding character limit? They earn a home at The Writings. Welcome, quickthoughts.

That's good news, right?
As I looked at some news on Michael Beasley - former K-State hoopster, Spongebob enthusiast, individual in need of a haircut, and subject to a recent ankle injury - today, I came across a story with the following headline: "Rambis admits Beasley's ankle could linger." I took this as good news. After all, the alternative (an ankle taking off to start a new life as the body-part-equivalent of a carnie - Would that be a nostril? Not always pleasing to look at, but they do serve a purpose) would not bode well for someone who depends on said ankle to run and jump.

Alas, it turns out that genius that crafted said headline did so while embracing the popular trend of being ridiculously lazy when it comes to using words and omitting the trisyllabic noun "injury." It turns out it's the ankle injury that could linger, which is not the positive that one might originally construe. Whatever the case, when it comes to Beasley's ankle, I hope it decides to linger, as well. The life of a nostril carnie is not one that many would pick.


... but you can fake logic, apparently
An area fast food sign advertised an interesting message today, relating to their new freshly cut, sea-salted, rabbi-blessed french fries. (Okay, one of those may be made up.) The message? "YOU CAN'T FAKE REAL."

It was a mistake to read this while driving, as I nearly careened into a nearby pile of snow. You can't fake real? Of course you can. That's what fake is: not real. Even Merriam-Webster's online Dictionary/Thesaurus/Translator/Dating network (... Give them time) clearly lists "real" as an antonym of "fake." Though it may sound preposterous, it seems that someone in the fast food industry may not have a firm grasp of crafting intelligent sentences. If anyone at said fast food eatery is reading this, I might suggest some new wording. Perhaps, "YOU CAN FAKE REAL, AFTER ALL THAT IS WHAT FAKE MEANS, BUT WE HAVE STOPPED TAKING PART IN SUCH VENTURES. HONESTLY, WE'RE NOT SURE WHY WE MENTIONED FAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE. HOW ABOUT YOU JUST STOP IN AND TRY OUR NEW FRIES. OH, AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT PILE OF SNOW... CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW BIG THIS SIGN IS?"

240 Words or Less

Upon sending an email citing the absurdity in bragging about college football team's narrow defeat of an unranked opponent, I received a response saying that my reply was long enough to be a book. The reply in question was 240 words long. It seems fairly obvious that the person who made such comments is not a regular read of The Writings. If he was, he'd realize that limiting myself to 240 words is no easy feat... The aforementioned comment also makes one wonder if the replier is much of a reader, as 240 words wouldn't make much of a book. I'm not sure that Tolkien, a master of miniscule details, could have described Tom Bombadil's doorstep in a mere 240 words.

Nonetheless, I decided imposing a 240-word limit might be interesting. After all, what if my readers (wheter real or imagined) sport attention spans similiar to that shared by the frustrated email reader? What if all these continually rambling posts have done nothing but turn people away from The Writings? What if my readers are much like my niece; they can concentrate on one task for only a couple minutes before they feel the need to go build a pyramid of dolls or see what damage they can do with their grandmothers' canes?

I'm willing to adapt. This Writing will not exceed the aforementioned 240-word limit. I'm interested to see what I can accomplish with such boundaries, and I'll start with-

Quick Thoughts - Five Hour Energy Edition

According to a televised ad, the big question surround Five Hour Energy is "What's in it?"

Thankfully, this ad keeps suspense to a minimum, following with the answer.

"Everything in Five Hour Energy is available in everyday foods - like apples, avocados, broccoli, or bananas - or already in you."

Pardon me, ad wizards, but I must ask a few questions of my own...

- Is there a reason that you refused to look beyond the letters A and B in your Encyclopedia Britannica when finding foods to mention in your ad?

- Who eats avocado every day? Is there some sort of Guacoholics Anonymous organization that I'm unaware of?

- Could you really not craft better wording than saying many Five Hour Energy ingredients are "already in you"? Unless Five Hour Energy is actually a drink created to help convert all daywalkers into vampiric beings, I'm not sure your wording paints the correct picture.

- Was there a study completed to determine that five hours of oddly-flavored energy is the preferred amount? And how accurate is that five-hour estimation? If I don't feel that I got a full five hours of energy after ingesting this concoction, can I complain and get those valuable minutes back?

Thought for the Day - Cycloptic Tiger

The '80s band Survivor released "Eye of the Tiger" in 1982. In fact, according to this, Survivor's examination of tiger optometry was the top song in the U.S. on the date of my birth. The song was prominently featured in the third movie of the Rocky series (as were Mr. T and Hulk Hogan... Perhaps this film should have been called "The Perfect Storm.") and has since been pumped through the PA systems of stadiums and arenas to get sports fans psyched up for athletic competitions.

As songs from the '80s go, it's rather iconic.

I just have one question: Why does this tiger only have one eye? If having the "eye of the tiger" is an advantage, wouldn't having multiple tiger eyes weigh things even further in your favor? (That was two questions... That type of miscalculation is what I get for avoiding math since sixth grade.)

Thought for the Day/Week

Sure, you may not like where you currently sit in life. You may dread heading off to work each morning. You might even seriously consider checking Amazon.com for good prices on bindles so you can prepare for life as a hobo.

You may feel like nothing is going your way at all.

If such is the case, remember one thing: At least you still have Internet access.*

*Disclaimer: This may not apply if you are reading a printed version of this blog... If such is the case, at least you can read.**

**Disclaimer: This may not apply if this is being read to you... If such is the case, at least you can hear.***

***Disclaimer: This may not apply if the words of this blog are being conveyed to you from a friend/family member via a series of blinks... If such is the case, at least you can see.****

****Disclaimer: This may not apply if... well, I'll leave the reasoning up to you... If such is the case, you have probably realized by now that the point of this whole exercise is that there's always something you should be thankful for.*****


***** The Writings: At least the author can put together complete sentences... Most of the time. 

10 Legitimate reasons for... (The 'Where's Your Money Going?' Edition)

10 Legitimate reasons for signing a contract to pay your university's then-current-but-on-thin-ice/now-former football coach $3.2 million in deferred payments via a "secret" contract through a company that no one has ever heard of before (and may not even exist)...

1. You have a vivid imagination and like to give all imaginary companies a chance to go Pinocchio and "become a real boy"... err, company.

2. His family is poor and starving and loaves of bread have escalated to astronomical prices.

3. You are out to prove that secrets, secrets are, in fact, fun.

4. You thought the contract you signed to agree to the payment was actually an ACME Joke Contract, which would explode in comic fashion within a matter of minutes.

5. The head coach is Benjamin Linus, the leader of a group on mystical island, who needs the money to bribe a guy who speaks to dead folks. After receiving the cash, the guy who received the bribe will report that Linus isn't on the island to the folks on his offshore freighter.*

*Odds are, few of you understood that, but those that watch Lost hopefully appreciate it.

6. The head coach is also a baseball card dealer and your athletic department desperately needs 3.2 million packs of 1994 Collector's Choice baseball cards.

7. The money will be paid in the form of cursed pirate booty.

8. The money will be paid in the form of Monopoly money.

9. The money will be paid in the form of Schrute Bucks and Stanley Nickels.

10. Your luck has run out... Wait, that one doesn't happen until the "secret" is uncovered.

Talking Points

This Writing is getting a late start. As a result, I have little time to write before my head drops wearily onto my keyboard as my mind shuts down completely. To make up for the lack of words on my end, I'm giving you the opportunity to add some on yours. What follows are discussion points. Review them. Contemplate them. Respond to them. (Or just ignore them... Who am I to tell you what to do?)

- I attended a "roundtable" discussion today. Alas, the table we all sat at was not round. How am I supposed to concentrate on the topic at hand when such a glaring case of false advertising is present? Do I have the right to pursue legal action?

- The hot topic this week has been the swine flu. Is it me, or, by calling it the swine flu, are we adding insult to illness?

- A popular question is, "Which came first - the chicken or the egg?" Where's the love for the other animals that hatch from eggs? Can't we replace "chicken" with "turtle" or "fish" now and then?

- Much recent discussion is also surrounding the president's first 100 days in office. The media is quick to examine what has gone right, what has gone wrong, and what has gone to that large gray area in between. What's the most significant thing you've accomplished over the last 100 days? For that matter, what's the most significant thing I've accomplished over the last 100 days? Can I even remember 100 days ago?

- I plan on attending K-State's spring football game on Saturday - a game that will feature more dives than a synchronized Olympic event that involves plummeting into a pool. A football game lasts 60 minutes and contains 4 quarters of action. Will the combined scored of the two scrimmage squads be closer to 60 or 4?

Discuss.

Thought for the Day

If you're happy and you know it, and, as a result, your face surely shows it, why is it still necessary for you to clap your hands/stomp your feet/shout hooray?

We have already determined that we can tell whether or not you are happy by the look on your face. It seems that all else is just pointless calisthenics.


This message brought to you by the the Society for Preventing Unnecessary Physical Activity.

The Model of Sarcasm

Do you ever feel like you aren't quite sarcastic enough? Do you wonder if your everyday conversations are lacking a bit of cynical zip? Don't worry, dear reader, The Writings are here to help. Feel free to use these five quick talking points to help unleash your inner wiseacre.

- Any film featuring Zack (Zach? Zac? Zaq?) Effron has potential to be comedy gold. On top of his enourmous talent is the fact that the idea of having an adult become a kid again is one that is completely original and has never been seen in film before. I'll be the first in line to see his new flick.

- TV needs more prime time cop dramas. I really don't know how we, the American public, get by with only having three to choose from in every half-hour block. More doctor shows, too. It's amazing how these genre's can have so much untapped potential.

- I can't get enough of the Subway $5 Footlong song. It's so catchy, and hearing the tune over and over never makes one feel like going Van Gogh on his own ear.

- The commercial for Life Alert features some of the greatest acting ever captured on film. We're talking about Oscar-worthy stuff. Al Pacino and Meryl Streep could be taking notes.

- The ideal neighbor when you live in an apartment with thin walls is one who is seemingly hearing impaired when her alarm clock is involved. Waking up to your neighbor's alarm each morning is undeniably pleasing, and the joy can extend for nearly 30 minutes as the neighborina's ears refuse to acknoledge the continual beeping of her waking device.

Quick hitters

- I drove by a gas station today that had a sign that read, "Yes, we do have a carwash." Believe it or not, I found this odd. It seems that most of the carwashes I have encountered in my life have been somewhat distinguishable. When I encounter places with carwashes, my mind immediately identifies it as such, often leading to a bit of inner monologue that sounds like, "Hey, that's a carwash."* I like to think that most minds are pretty sharp when it comes to identifying carwashes. Thus, it would seem that advertising the service on a sign would be rather moot effort.

*At times, this might be followed by "Hey, My car certainly isn't clean. I should wash my car there."**

**In 99-percent of cases, an excuse not to wash my car follows. Such excuses may come in the form of, "Nah, I did just wash it a few (days/weeks/months) ago," "Nah, I think it's supposed to (rain/snow) (tomorrow/next week/this year)," or "Nah, little smart-alecks in grocery store parking lots have only written 'Wash me' on my back window three times so far."

Unnecessary advertising aside, I have another issue with this sign. I don't want to read answers to questions I'm not asking. I have driven by this gas station on several occasions in my time behind the wheel (that's a car steering wheel... I don't just hang out behind old wagon wheels. I'm saving that for the "hobo period" of my life. It should be an interesting time.), and I have never once thought of running inside to ask the counter-jockey if they indeed had a carwash. What would happen if I took this same, "openly advertising answers to questions no one asks" approach to life? It would be a massive waste of my valuable time***. I can't afford to spend time making signs that read, "Yes, I do have brown hair."

Along with that, my build isn't exactly conducive to carrying around signs all the time. Think how much strength it would take for me to lug around a sign that says, "No, I'm not really doing anything exciting tonight... but Lost is on, so I'll definitely watch that. I'm still trying to figure out what the deal is with Richard Alpert. Why doesn't that guy age? And will all this time traveling end now that John Locke has turned the underground wheel? And what effects might the time travel have on those remaining on the island? And I still can't figure out the smoke monster. Don't even get me started on the whole Christian Shepherd issue... I think he's been there before...," and so on.

***You know, that valuable time spent watching horrible television and then writing stuff no one reads about how awful it is.

- I ended up sitting next to a KU fan at Saturday's "Sunflower Showdown." (Lousy tickets.) Had the Wildcats been able to reign in a victory, this situation wouldn't have been an issue. Alas, such was not the case. As a result, I spent the final seconds of the contest feeling like I was sitting next to someone rooting for Sauron in The Lord of the Rings. (Nerd alert.) It was painful. I can think of a long list of people or things I would rather sit beside than a Jayhawk in the midst of a loss to KU. The list includes: someone that knows nothing about basketball that hasn't showered for a week; a grizzly bear with a taste for human flesh; someone that prefers to tell detailed stories about their most recent trips to the proctologist; and a cloud of nano-robots programmed to destroy skinny individuals with heads seemingly too large for their bodies.

- Word is now spreading that the Atlanta Falcons of the National Football League (that's NFL, for those who struggle with acronyms) are hoping to trade the rights to quarterback Michael Vick who is nearing the end of a prison sentence that resulted from a very unfortunate situation involving dog-fighting. A friend mentioned the other day that the Kansas City Chiefs, the pro football team I back through thick or (mostly) thin, should take a chance on the former Pro Bowl quarterback. There was only one response that crossed my mind: I think KC Wolf might work on his resignation letter if that were to happen.