Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Quite the Trend

When I view my Yahoo!* e-mail, a column appears on the right side of the web page that lists topics that are "Trending Now." From what I understand, the items listed are subjects that are currently being searched for quite often via the Yahoo! search engine. When viewing the list, one must analyze it with a grain (or an entire shaker) of salt, since everyone uses Google for their search engine needs these days. The "Trending Now" list isn't quite as irrelevant as one that might be provided by "Ask Jeeves," but it's close.

*Unfortunately, my voice does not reflect the exclamation point at the end of "Yahoo!" whenever I mention the e-mail provider. I'd commit to working on this, but some (and by some, I mean all) people might give me funny looks.

Tonight, when I checked my e-mail, I noticed an interesting trend among the listed trends. Among the top six "Trending Now" items, you'll find Jenna Bush, Tiger Woods, Elijah Wood, and Megan Fox. Now, dear reader, it's your chance to analyze that list and tell me what you notice.

Take your time. I'll wait. I can entertain myself.

Watching Paint Dry

... All set? Fantastic.

Anyway, if you're thinking along the same lines that I am (and I apologize profusely if you are) you've noticed one intriguing detail. That's right, it's seems that Yahoo! search engine users are obsessed with the forest. Bush, woods, wood, and fox. I fully expect Tree Rollins, Wolf Blitzer, Woody Woodpecker, and Grizzly Adams to be added to the list soon.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Sitting in the Danger Zone

"Ball four. That's his second walk of the inn-"


"They signed him out of Jefferson County Community -"


"The Royals have driven in Kendall and De-"


Welcome to my evening. As I attempt to take in the Royals game from the comfort of my couch, the analysis from Royals' broadcasters Ryan Lefebvre and Paul Splittorff is being continually interrupted by a buzz saw in the hallway outside my apartment. It's becoming a bit like the knock-knock joke about the interrupting cow. Just when you are focusing on what will come ne-


*Please note: this is my best attempt to spell the sound that this saw is making in my hallway. I'm not sure it's entirely accurate, but I have not training in giving literary voice to power tools. If you have any better suggestions, feel free to comment below.

Considering the hour (7:34 p.m. CT), I'm not sure what Mr. Tool-time is doing cutting away in my hallway. It's a summer's eve. Go home and enjoy a beverage. Head out to the driving range imitate Jack Nicklaus instead of Bob Vila. Do anything else, just cut the saw story.

The fact that he's still working brings up an interesting point. My apartment complex is completing a thorough renovation; carpets are being replaced, new counter tops are being installed, and the breath-stifling smell of fresh paint has invaded the air like some form of chemosensical warfare. All in all, things should look pretty spiffy once things are complete.

... Well, they'll look spiffy in the apartments that currently house no residents.*

*This is actually a very large number. Either a lot of people moved on to new phases of their lives at once or I'm a horrible neighbor. (What? You think Mixmaster NoRhyme next door (who has not left) might be the annoying tenant around these parts? As he might say, "Yo, that's crazy. I will amaze ye. My favorite flower is a daisy."

You see, those apartments whose tenants have not moved away have the opportunity to stick with old carpeting, old counter tops, and the classic paint job we've grown so accustom to.

Odds are that I could have gotten the new carpeting and such if I had been willing to move my things out of my apartment for the summer. Of course, since I enjoy moving about as much as I enjoy doing my own dental work with medieval tools, the odds of that happening were slightly less than the odds of me going next door and having a rap battle with DJ D'oh.

The nice thing is that I get all the enjoyable parts of renovation (thought-crippling noise, allergy-inducing dust, and catcalls on top of catcalls*) without any of those pesky results.

*Okay, that last part is most definitely false. As far as I can tell, no one that might catcall after me (blind women with great sense of pity, mostly) are working on this renovation project.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Best. Movie. Ever.

I have seen the finest the world of film has to offer. It's name?

Dinocroc vs. Supergator.

This Syfy original contains all the wooden acting, horrible CGI, and lame attempts at drama that one person could handle. For a guy that takes great joy in watching the worst of the worst in the world of movies, this one provides just what I'm looking for. Need a taste? On a tropical island, a photographer character just engaged in an improptu photo session with two busty blonde bimbos. Three clicks of his camera later, one of the beasts for whom the film is title leaped out of the stream he was conveniently standing next to and devoured him whole. Naturally, the two blondes had the expected "look at each other and scream and then run away screaming even more," though their stale acting kind of made it seem like they were running to get a free Girls Gone Wild t-shirt. Minutes later, the sequence ended when - again as expected - one of them tripped and was soon torn in half*. Naturally, instead of running away while her friend was food for a fictional beast, the other lady stood watching and screaming. She was soon dessert.

*The description is a very loose fit, as the horrible CGI illustration made the whole thing look a bit like something out of a remedial Photoshop class.

 A couple other things that make this movie great:

- A character called "The Cajun" that has no semblance of a Cajun accent.

- A scent where a giant gator, running on its hind legs, is chasing a jeep, and a woman watching from afar says "Is that it?" Who knew it would be so hard to identify a supergator?

Simply put, this film should win every award ever rewarded. Even those that have nothing to do with movies. It is that remarkable and you must see it.

... Now I just have to figure out how to tell the difference between Dinocroc and Supergator.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Things I Don't Understand: Twilight

I just saw a Burger King commercial* where a group 20-something girls accosted customers about characters in the Twilight series. Their questions were rambling, annoying, and pointless. Thankfully, at the end of the ad, they asked an elderly gent if he'd rather his granddaughters date vampires or werewolves. His answer? Neither. Another great example of the true wisdom of The Greatest Generation.

*I do things other than watch television, I promise. I work. I read. I write. I even encounter other real people from time to time, I swear.

I've never actually bothered reading or watching anything related to Twilight, but s best I can tell, the popular Twilight book and now movie series focuses mainly on crafting some sappy love story around vampires and werewolves. The concept is so popular that some folks (mainly females with no jobs) are waiting in line for days to be the first to see the next movie in the series. They're treating the film with the palest actors you'll ever see like it's actually a movie that features better acting that a cardboard cutout could provide. Silly people.

The main thing I don't understand about America's obsession with Twilight is how there could suddenly be such a torrid love affair with vampires. After all, The Count from Sesame Street and Count Chocula have been around for years, yet they've never received such attention. How is it that The Count has never been featured in film? You're telling me he couldn't have improved 2 Fast 2 Furious?

Somebody get his agent (naturally, Super Grover) on the phone.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Things learned from a night in front of the television

-People should not forget that the second-coming of Christ will pitch against the Royals tomorrow... Sorry, it's actually Stephen Strasburg, but with the way folks talk about him, you'd think he could feed all the Nationals fans with two fish and five loaves of bread.

- ... Wait a second, there are only about 7 living people who actually consider themselves "Nationals fans," so two fish and five loaves will probably cut it. 

- Folks on "America's Got Talent" often mention that they have "dreamed" of winning the competition... I guess it beats dreaming of falling off a cliff, but the winning margin might not be that great.

- Despite the fact that Tom Cruise has beliefs that originate from a science fiction writer and that he's about the size of a hobbit, he can still make movies that look to at least be decent rentals.

- The host and judges of "America's Got Talent" do little to help prove that there is actually talent in America.

- A better name for the show would probably be "America's Got Way Too Much Spare Time."

- I am fully aware of (and comfortable with) the irony of having a sentence about too much spare time appear in a blog inspired by doing little more than watching television on my couch.

- Somehow "Minute to Win It" still exists.

- Baseball is still depressing.

- Wait, no it's not. (Royals pull to within 1 run in the 9th inning)

- Hold on, it still is. (Royals lose.)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Mystery Solved

According to a television commercial Samuel Adams Summer Ale "has something about it that really reminds you of summer."

My guess is that it's the name of the beer. Makes sense to me.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The congrats they deserve

Congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers, your 2010 NBA Champions.

Sure, no one outside of L.A. likes you, and, sure, your top star has an ego so large it makes Donald Trump seem like Mother Teresa. Sure, your head coach even once wrote a book that basically conveyed the message that he couldn't stand the aforementioned start, but...

... but...

Well, I'll think of something nice about the Lakers to put here eventually... I hear Derek Fisher is a good guy.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

It's Over

I just realized that my "Hot Lutefisk" commitment is officially over. In fact, it ended a week ago. I guess this proves that time flies when you're are writing in nonsensical fashion.

The final tally on the Swedish fish-inspired blogging campaign is 36 posts in 39 days; not too shabby. We at The Writings home office (read: one guy with an identity crisis) will strive to keep regular posts coming, however it is a relief to know that I'll no longer need to write poetry about how I can't think of anything to write. If anyone read this blog in the first place, they probably quit after that.*

*The Writings: If there's a blog out there with a greater sense of self-deprecation, we'd like to see it.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Power of Negative Thinking

In the fourth inning of tonight's Kansas City Royals' game, the home squad gave up five runs to the Houston Astros, one of the worst offensive teams in baseball. As I watched the game with my brother and father, I considered suggesting changing the channel to something like a documentary about optical surgeries gone wrong... That seemed less painful. It was just the fourth inning, but I was convinced the Royals were doomed.

As I type, the game is now in the 8th inning. The Royals lead 15-7.

I'm really beginning to think this pessimism thing has great merit.

Here's to a horrible day tomorrow.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I see the light (but there's not much)

The sky is falling. The glass is half-empty. No dogs go to heaven.

Are the aforementioned statements true? Not that I'm aware, but that's not the point. Those points listed above illustrate the my new attitude toward life. Pessimism rules!

What's with the switch in mindset? How can a guy that predicted more success for the Kansas City Royals than most of their players abandon optimism so abruptly? Simply put, it works.

When news came out that the University of Nebraska was leaving the Big 12 for the in-all-ways-superior Big Ten*, I saw nothing but pain in the weeks ahead. I was sure such news meant that Texas would herd it's south division counterparts westward to the Pac 10 and that Missouri would follow the Cornballers to the Big Ten. As a result, K-State, KU, and the other remainders of the conference would be left with lucrative options like joining the Mountain West or slamming their collective faces into waffle irons. The picture was not a pretty one. (Unless you're a cannibal that also likes waffles, I guess.)

*This is what I gathered from Nebraska's press conference/board meeting/middle-finger-to-the-rest-of-the-Big-12 anyway. I still have a rough time giving the conference credit for academics when it has had 11 member schools for two decades.

This evening, all has changed. It has been announced that the University of Texas has turned down the Pac 10's offer to defy geography and join their conference. Thanks to a new television deal (which involves some sort of agreement that all money minted in Denver goes directly to Mack Brown*), the Longhorns have committed to sticking with the Big 12 . Like sheep (the money-hungry breed of sheep), Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas Tech and Texas A&M are all now interested in seeing the conference survive, as well. It appears that the future of K-State will be much like the past. The conference survives (minus Nebraska and Colorado, subtractions which actually make it a much better basketball conference) and K-State doesn't need to attempt to craft a new rivalry with San Diego State.

*Note: Agreement details may not be factual.

You can credit Texas for saving the conference (but it was the logical choice, considering that Bevo will soon be eating caviar with his hay), or you can credit Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe (but he really should have had something like this in place months ago). I credit my pessimism.

Moving forward, it seems that I need to expect the worst in order to see a hint of the best. As a result, I must strike all optimism that I have ever published in Writing form from the record. Instead, consider the following as my new outlook:

- The Kansas City Royals won't win a game the rest of the season. Zack Greinke will retire next week to become a professional fly fisherman and the following day general manager Dayton Moore will sign Jose Guillen to an eight-year, $100 million contract extension. Promising prospects in the minor leagues will never see the field for the Royals, as owner Dan Glass will sell all the minor league affiliates for roll-back prices.

- The Kansas City Chiefs will look promising in the preseason, but will struggle once the real games arrive when Todd Haley decides to coach with the "size does matter" attitude. Every starter for the Chiefs will weigh over 300 lbs. While they'll struggle in the finesse areas of the game, they will lead the league in chicken wings eaten on the sideline.

- K-State football will see hard times when coach Bill Snyder takes his focus on mentoring a step too far, suiting up area middle schoolers on the defensive line and in the offensive backfield.

- In hoops, Kansas State will enter the season with some valuable postseason experience. Unfortunately, success won't follow when they focus on incorrect aspects of victories. Because they wound up winning the overtime-thriller against Xavier, K-State will foul on every 3-pointer opponents attempts. Also, taking beard fearing too far, K-State administrators will force Wildcat cheerleaders to use Rogaine in their cheeks.

- In my personal life, my roof will cave in, my car will explode, and the next time I ask a girl out, she'll laugh so hard that she'll fall into a coma.

There you have it. Life stinks, pessimism rules.

The next few months will be lousy. (And by that I mean great.)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Chim Chim Cher-oo?

While taking in some time on the road for a wedding this weekend (note: not mine), I noticed a sign in a small Kansas town advertising the services of a chimney sweep. Yes, a chimney sweep.

Last I checked, it's not the 1900s and chimney sweeps have gone the way of the milkman and the one-man-band. Even Dick Van Dyke has given up playing chimney sweep roles, so you know it's profession no longer relevant.

How someone expects to make a buck as a chimney sweep in today's society, I'm not sure. Maybe they just have a phony British accent they want to utilize.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Editor's note:
In wishing the university of Nebraska a fond farewell yesterday, the author mistakenly operated under the assumption that Baylor would go to the Pac 10 along with it's Texas brethren, and that Colorado would be left lonely in the remnants of the Big 12. We at The Writings regret the error.

You see, the author assumed that the six schools in the Big 12 South would stick together... like the Super Friends. What the author forgot was that Baylor is the Big 12 South equivalent of Aquaman. You can search high and low, but you'll struggle to find someone that will really admit to being a fan of Aquaman, and, while he does have some distinct talents (swimming and, uh, swimming), few can really argue that he's a valuable member of the group. Replace "Aquaman" with "Baylor" and "swimming" with "women's basketball" and you're looking at another pretty apt description.

*I know they had a pretty solid men's basketball season... Please don't make me change my Aquaman Corollary.


Beyond my error in thinking that Baylor would be treated like something other than the smelly kid at recess, I also may have misinterpreted the grand exodous from what was once a top-notch conference in both football and basketball. Don't get me wrong, it still looks like the Big 12 is going down faster than the public opinion of Dan Beebe, but the twist comes in the fact that there seem to be a few different emergency evacuation plans in play.  Recent rumors link Oklahoma and a mystery date to the SEC, Oklahoma State to the Pac 10, Texas A&M to both the Big 10 and the SEC, Kansas to the Big East, and Texas to to just about every league imaginable, including a company softball league in Mississippi (they bring some different things to the table).

Perhaps this whole situation won't wrap up as neatly as originally thought, but the fact remains those leading the Big 12 had the opportunity to be proactive (remember, expansion rumors were flying last year. That's a fair amount of time to try to find a way to keep your league together.), but instead apparently sat in the league office watching old clips of Billy Tubbs interviews. The result is the disintegration of league that has featured four national champions in college football since the league's inception in 1996. Good move.

This is going to be interesting/ugly/depressing/(insert your own adjective here... The Writings: Looking for Reader Interaction since 2010)/disappointing/a situation that many will regret.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Bad Bye

Well, that was fun. According to reports by just about every news source in existence (I'm fairly confident that even Ron Burgandy is reporting it by now), the University of Nebraska will announce Friday that it is packing up suitcases full of corn and leaving the Big 12 for the Big I Can't Count Conference. With such a move, the next domino expected to topple is that the entire Big 12 South will be absorbed by the Pac 10. It's possible that Missouri might also get an invite to the Big Anything But Ten, meaning that K-State, KU, Iowa State and Colorado would be left standing like the four awkward guys no one will pick during a snowball dance.

All indications are that if Nebraska would have declined the Big Ten offer, then Texas - which holds more power in the conference than the president, the UN, or the galactic emperor - would have stayed in the Big 12, meaning a simple Horned Frog bandage could have covered the loss of Missouri. In other words, Nebraska is to blame for the demise of the conference.

Alas, I won't hold ill will. I won't have sour grapes over the fact that K-State may very well end up in a conference without an automatic BCS bid. No, instead I'll just bid the Huskers farewell, and I'll do it in the most classy way I can currently think of...

Kansas State v. Nebraska 1998
Created by YouTube user slacker905

Kansas State v. Nebraska 2000
Created by YouTube user slacker905

Kansas State v. Nebraska 2002
Created by YouTube user slacker905

KSU destroys NU 38-9 in Lincoln
Video uploaded by MitchWilkinson

Could Nebraska folks post videos of K-State that are a lot more embarrassing than those above? Sure they could. But what's the point?

Bye, Nebraska. May your athletic department be blessed with the genius thinking that goes into decisions like firing Frank Solich after a 9-3 season and hiring a failed NFL coach in Bill Callahan.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Remember when...

I'm in the midst of being depressed by the fact that Royals pitcher, and 2009 Cy Young Award winner, Zack Grienke is hittable this season. Thus far tonight, he's given up six runs in 4 2/3 innings. Yup, depressing.

Thankfully, I have the commentary of Ryan Lefebvre and Frank White to cheer me up. Why does the baseball talk bantered between these two help ease my pain? Two reasons:

1. Frank White laughs at everything. Seriously. Everything. Quips, puns, yips, and Huns (Atilla was a joker). You could say a chicken crossed the road because he was a communist and Frank would laugh. You could answer the "Who's there?" after "Knock, Knock" with "the paperboy," and Frank would laugh. Frank laughs so many times during the course of a broadcast that I'm fairly confident he giggles in his sleep. I need to convince Frank to follow me around someday. I can't imagine the confidence boost it would be to have someone laugh every time you tried to make a joke.

...Then again, I'd probably be the one person he doesn't find funny.

2. Lefebvre was just talking about the Royals top pick of the 2010 draft - a shortstop named Christian Colon. Chances are he could be a standout at the position. Unfortunately, it's just as likely that he'll one day be cursed like former Royals shortstops Neifi Perez and Tony Pena, Jr. Nonetheless, the commentary I enjoyed tonight has nothing to do with Colon (pronounced ku-LONE, not KO-lun, thankfully), but with Lefebvre's assessment. Ryan said that Colon has been compared to Placido Polanco (read: average Major League 2B), but also to Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter "in terms of his makeup." Long-time readers of The Writings with above-average memories will recognize why I find comparing someone to Jeter in such terms humorous, but for those to don't, you have homework.

It will be quite a day when my mom can show me a picture of a Royals player in her AVON catalog.

Monday, June 07, 2010

The Wave of the Future

The first-year player draft for Major League Baseball takes place tonight, but I realize that my audience (Hi Mom!) probably is not familiar with the many of those players whose names will be called tonight. Fact is, I consider myself a fairly in-tune baseball fan, but I typically know nothing about the players the Royals draft until I Google them after their names are announced.

Instead of doing any sort of write-up on top draftees (since many others will do them much better), I figured I'd just pass along some video of on of the top minor league players in the game. Pardon the age of the clip, since it's about a month old, but the player's skills really need to be seen by all.

Will Ferrell Pitching for the Round Rock Express.mp4

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Hookt awn fawniks

This iz wun uv thee most intreeging storeez I hav red in kwyt sum tym. It seemz that sum peepul feel that spelling werdz in thee English langwij (uv wich I am fawnd) iz much too diffikult; akin too nooklear fyziks or brayn surjuree. Az a reezult, such folks piketed the Nashunal Spelling Bee. After all, piketing alwayz werkz.

Thoz wayving synz argyoo that if all werdz wer spelled fonetikalee, illiteracee raytz wuld plummet and mor Amerikanz wuld then kwalify for good jawbz.

Just imajin, akording too theez folks, if wee all spelt just lyk ths, thee wurld wuld bee a better plays. Nacherallee, the best way for theez kunsiderayt indivijooalz too illustrayt this noshun waz by attempting too overshadow an eevent that kuld bee kunsiderd wun ov the top momentz in thee lyvs uv sum yung peepul. How kynd.

I am nawt sher how yoo feel abowt this hol ideea, but, franklee, it hertz my hed.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

The Finals Countdown

I'm a basketball fan.

I'm even a basketball fan that enjoys the NBA.

Examination of the aforementioned pair of sentences might lead one to think that I'm excited about the NBA Finals, which have just begun play this evening. Alas, such a conclusion should not be jumped to. If the series to decide the NBA's champion for the 2009-2010 season involved the Cavs, the Suns, or any of about 25 other NBA franchises, I'd be watching the games with great interest. Instead, we see the Lakers and the Celtics match up in a rematch of the 2008 finals.

Why don't I like the match up? Let's count 10 ways...

1. Kobe Bryant's ego.

2. Paul Pierce's alma mater.

3. Phil Jackson's hypocrisy.

4. Shannon Brown's hideous performance in the 2010 dunk contest.

5. Rasheed Wallace's attitude.

6. The fact that the "Laker" nickname makes no sense in Los Angeles.

7. The fact that Nate Robinson refuses to wear a leprechaun hadt while sitting on the bench.

8. Kobe Bryant (again)

9. The fact that the Grizzles gift-wrapped Pau Gasol for the Lakers, getting absolutely nothing in return for him.

10. The face that Celtic legend "Never Nervous" Pervis Ellison (average nearly 7 points per game in the 1994-1995 season) is in no way involved in this series.

Lousy basketball.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Thought for the Night - June 2

A pitcher for the Detroit Tigers missed out on pitching a perfect game tonight thanks to a blown call on what should have been the final out of the game. It would been the 21st perfect game in Major League history, but the third this year. This got me thinking...

With all this perfection in baseball this year, how are the Royals still paying Jose Guillen $12 million to hit like he's allergic to contact and run like he's missing a leg?

I'm perplexed.

Woo Hoo

One day after I based much of a Writing off the thoughts of Homer Simpson, it was announced that an Entertainment Weekly survey named him the greatest character created for television or film in the last 20 years. Coincidence?

Yeah, probably.

Nonetheless, it's time to celebrate, and there's only one way to do it: a Wednesday evening quote-o-rama. The following are some of the greatest thoughts to ever come from Springfield Nuclear Plant's safety inspector for Sector 7-G.

"They have the internet on computers now?"

"There's a NEW Mexico?"

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day."

"Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"

"Look at all this great stuff I found at the marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat."

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."

"America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay."

"Facts are meaningless. You could used facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."

"I hope I didn't brain my damage."

"I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty miles per hour, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode... I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie... Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing like that movie, Police Academy."

"If you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Default! The two sweetest words in the English language. De! Fault! De! Fault!"

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

I Knew That

29 days ago, I changed careers. It was the second time it's happened in my life, which seems a bit much for a 27-year-old. Three different careers in less than five years? Is my name Forrest Gump? (Don't answer that.) At this rate, I'll be a cab driver by the age of 35, a carnie by 50, and when it comes time to retire, I'll be an actor in commercials for the 2047 equivalent of a Snuggie. (Remember the old pajamas with the "back door"? Snuggie creators could be working on such technology.)

Though I'm horrible at both hunting and gathering, it's clear that I have exhibited nomadic tendencies thus far in my working life. Nevertheless, the early verdict on the most recent move is that it was certainly for the best. I'm getting more opportunities to work with words than my last stop, the job relates -however loosely - to football, and I speak with folks on the phone that are happy enough to yell things like "Go Illini!" at the end of a call.*

*Okay, this threw me for a loop earlier today, but you can bet that I'll be ready next time to say it back in response... or possibly to try to imitate the sound their mascot might make. There's nothing quite like an awkward hang up.

What has been interesting in this transition is that, as I learn new computer software, accounting methods, and more, things I once knew in a previous work life seem to be oozing out my ears. Perhaps The Writings favorite mind, Homer Simpson, put it best:

"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter?  Besides, every time I
learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. 
Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to

It's sad to say, but all that knowledge I stored up in attempt to at least be competent at planning conferences (which may or may not have been the case) has disappeared more quickly than the food at a banquet where the caterer didn't prepare food for the standard over-guarantee percentage. Is that 5-percent? See what I mean? It's gone.

It's now time for me to begin adjusting to a life where I'll soon no longer be able to tell you what it costs for an outside group to rent the Banquet Room at the university's Alumni Center ($1,000) or what kind of donuts are preferred by most conference attendees (yeast over cake, by a significant margin).

I'm even losing knowledge of the topics that were presented at such conferences. Need a quick rundown of the symptoms of equine laminitis? I can rattle it off now (lameness, symptoms common to illnesses, and, at times, refusal to stand and/or walk) but it's just a matter of time before that info gallops away. It's sad, but it's true.

With the understanding that my brain is excreting what was once essential knowledge, there's really only one thing I can do: pass along more Homer Simpson quotes.

"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything; 14-percent of people know that."