10 Quick Lessons Learned From a 13-Month-Old Niece

1. Socks are for suckers.

2.  If you hear applause on television, naturally you should start clapping, as well.

3.  Grapes are best served in halves.

4. Everything else is best served two handfuls at a time

5. Although your baby doll cannot actually eat, it's polite to offer her a bit of anything you consume anyway.

6. It's also good form to toss food on the floor for your dog, even if the dog isn't with you at the time.

7. Anything semi-round is referred to as a ball. Anything. Even pine cones and rocks.

8. If a gingerbread house has been sitting out for eight months, the trees made of peppermint are definitely fair game.

9. Nothing is funnier than a good game of peek-a-boo.

10. Grandparents and uncles serving as babysitters are putty in your hands.

Lessons Learned From Those Under 20 (pounds)

I spent the weekend visiting some family. This visit included ample time spent with a pug who can be a bit onery* and my ever-growing niece.**

*He is - as far as I know - the only living being (I can't speak for the undead) to complete a "daily double" (loving term in the family for a part of life not so lovely) while serving as passenger in a vehicle I was driving.

**February 2009 winner of The Writings' "Coolest/Cutest 6-month-old alive" award... Quite an accomplishment. Congratulations!

It's only fitting that, although I arrived intending to teach a few things (Who knew that teaching someone to crawl, sit-up, talk, walk, make macaroni and cheese, find Waldo, parallel park, fly a kite, write haiku poetry, and split the atom all in one weekend was beyond my expertise?) to those with developing minds, they instead left me as the one with an abundance of new knowledge.

What lessons can one learn from someone who enjoys eating stray leaves that end up in the house (the dog) and someone who just started on solid foods (mmmmm.... solids) a few weeks ago (not the dog)? Consider the following (and if you cannot distinguish whether any particular lesson was learned from the baby or the dog, you may want to put off the whole parenting thing for awhile):

- When one has recently cut a pair of new teeth, it is best to break them in by continually biting human fingers.*

*The identity of the owner of any fingers in question is somewhat irrelevant. Any fingers will do.

- When venturing into a brisk breeze while on a constitutional, it's best to take advantage of the larger being accompanying you by walking behind them and using them as a shield from the wind.

- The best way to avoid the regular hassles, nuisances, and generally odd occurrences that come with a trip to the local Wal-Mart is by sleeping through the whole trip.

- The utterance of the word "treat" followed by the dispersal of said treat can patch up just about any rift.

- Sometimes nothing is funnier than watching a hand moving back and forth on a blanket.

- All visitors are unwelcome ones until they come through the door. As a result, standard barking procedure will be initiated upon the first ring of any doorbell.

- The tags of orange stuffed bunnies (that may or may not be named after a childhood cafeteria item) are worth studying for minutes on end.

- When someone is sleeping on your couch, it's best to show them you enjoy their presence by jumping on them, walking on them while sniffling and snorting, and then sneezing on their face.

- Exersaucing is worth shouting about.

- The new addition to the family is great, as long as it doesn't get close enough to grab large chunks fur.

- The best way to show your dog how much you love it is by reaching toward it, swinging your little arms wildly, and eventually grabbing chunks of fur.


Who knew one could learn so much from the smallest members of the family? Imagine the lessons that will present themselves once one of the diminutive duo begins to talk.

... (Not the dog.)

Lessons Learned

It's Saturday evening, and I'm in the midst of watching the Chiefs look particularly feeble in a preseason match up against the Miami Dolphins (yes, the same Dolphins that won just a single game last season). Naturally, I need something else to occupy my thoughts.

Today also marks the second-to-last day of my "vacation," as I return to the office on Monday. (Insert chorus of "boooooooo"s here.) With that in mind, I figured I should try to sum up things that I've learned over the past few days.


From the Olympics:

- Team handball is an excellent spectator sport.

- Platform diving is not.

- Marathon runners are shameless litterers. Sure, you're running a race, but can't you at least look for a recycling bin to toss that water bottle into?


From Mother Nature:

- Mind melting heat is not the only downside of the summer months. Even when it's not present, hordes of allergens can make you long for late October. (Notice I didn't mention looking forward to winter... You're still on my list, ice.)


From my calendar:

- I'm older.


From my four-week old niece:

- Days are best spent sleeping, with occasional breaks for eating or getting cleaned up.

- Passing gas can actually be cute.

- Words are not necessary for communication. All that's needed are a variety of facial expressions, combined with sighs, grunts, and cries.

- Dressing yourself is for suckers.


From the Chiefs game:

- Offenses can't be run if the offensive line cannot block. (Crazy thought, I know.)

- If this game is any indication, I may need to have things other than football occupy my thoughts for most of the Fall.

An Anticipated Introduction

Over the last 10 days, I've traveled approximately 2,500 miles, and put in over 100 hours of work. Today alone, I've been awake for 19 hours. Using my own personal history as a guide, I should either be passed out on my couch from exhaustion or staying awake only because of a periodic dunking of my head into a cooler filled with ice (don't ask).

Nevertheless, I'm awake and typing; fueled by nothing more than the thoughts in my head. Thoughts focused on one person. One tiny person.

After being beyond the northern border of our nation when my niece entered the world, I finally - after three whole days (it seemed like a long time) - had a chance to meet the little lady. I was wholeheartedly looking forward to the meeting, but I have to admit, there was a bit of anxiety. I hardly trust my ability to drink coffee without some dribbling out of the cup; could I really be trusted to hold an infant that was living the womb life just last week?

Apparently the cure for anxiety is your niece's head on your shoulder*. Once she was in place, all was well. Her tiny fingers gripped at my shirt, and an occasional wriggle or readjustment were the only disturbances to her slumber. Later in the evening, I read a quote saying something like, "The closest thing to perfection is a sleeping baby." After tonight, I'll have a hard time finding fault in those words.

*Please note, the author has a patent pending on this cure for anxiety.

Perhaps it's a sign of getting old when you spend time sharing the enjoyment of holding a newborn. If that's the case, save me a spot in line for arthritis meds.

Congratulations!

A congratulations so large that the sheer size of it would make Godzilla quiver like a frightened chihuahua goes out to two dedicated readers on the addition of a third to the family.

I apologize that my introduction to the little lady formerly known as Niecephew will be delayed, but there are some things beyond personal control (this includes Canadian business trips). Please know that the anticipation of meeting the newest KJ in the family is greater for this author than all birthdays and holidays the author has ever experienced, combined.

Welcome to the family, little one. Perhaps my oft-incoherent ramblings will make more sense to a developing mind. Granted, you won't be able to read for awhile, but I'm sure some might argue that I can't write, so it all balances out in a way.

Again, congratulations to the new parents, and welcome to my niece. Rest assured, young one, your family cares for you more than you'll ever know.

Parenting 101

As I've mentioned in this space recently, it seems that nearly everyone I know is adding a baby to their family. This procreation is happening at such an inordinate level that someone said to me the other day, "there must be something in the water." This quote could be taken in a multitude of ways (many of which are unfit for print in this family-friendly blog), and I am therefore going to leave it alone.


With so many couples achieving parent status, it seems to be a good time to share the limited knowledge I have on the subject of child rearing. I understand that a single guy in his 20s may not seem like the best source of parenting advice, but I have reviewed this handy guide - http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html - and done some puppy-sitting in my day. These facts alone may make me more qualified than at least a few parents out there.


On to the tips...


When reading to baby...


Do - Select a colorful book of stories or rhymes with a lot of illustrations and easy verbiage that will help the baby learn.


Do not - Select a text by someone like Stephen Hawking that details wormholes, antimatter, and quantum physics. No matter who you are or what you're interested in, baby's first word should not be "photon."


Further advice - Magazines do not count as story books. Sorry devoted readers of Guns & Ammo or TV Guide.



When putting baby to bed...


Do - Sing a lullaby or play soft, soothing music (if you're like the author and not fit to sing) to comfort the child.



Do not - Put baby to bed to thumping bass of tracks laid down by Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, or any other rap artist. You may find such tactics make the baby cry, and not even in rhythm.



Further advice - Playing any song on Guitar Hero III does not count as singing to the child. Granted, you may be able to do some sick shredding to Slayer's "Raining Blood," but you may find that your infant does not care if you've nabbed the title of "Rock Legend."



When it's time to change the baby...



Do - Keep a light mood about it. There's no use in getting frustrated, you'll be changing a few more in your future (maybe in about 28 minutes).



Do not - Confuse your child with your pet. If there is leakage from the diaper (a phrase I never expected to type in this blog) that gets on your furniture or carpet, sticking the baby's nose in it while saying, "No! No!" will not accomplish much.



Further advice - No, really, keep a light mood about changing the diapers. After all, it's probably about time to do it again.



When traveling with baby...



Do - Be sure your car seat is installed properly in the back seat and snugly buckle the baby in on every trip.



Do not - Neglect the purchase of a car seat because your child is small and your vehicle has jumbo cup holders.



Further advice - At some point in your child's life, he or she will learn to read a map. Do not expect this to happen as an infant. Your baby will not be able to navigate for you on road trips.



When you have baby in public...


Do - Pick the baby up and carry him/her around outside/in the annex/in the lobby if he/she begins crying uncontrollably in church or at a movie.


Do not - Try to prove to the child that the crying bothers other people by crying yourself. Baby will not understand your point, and you may get some weird looks.


Further advice - You will find that your infant will be a popular subject of conversation, even among strangers. People would otherwise not say a word to you may ask you how old your baby is while in line at the market. Answer these inquiries politely, no matter how tired you are. Do not attempt to teach your child obscene gestures in order to repel potential conversationalists.



When walking the baby in your stroller...



Do - Take your time and enjoy the outdoors. It's called a "stroll"er for a reason.



Do not - Release the stroller atop any sort of incline in attempt to test the rig's top speed.



Further advice - Your stroller has wheels, however this does not mean it's road-ready. Avoid merging into any roadway that has motor traffic. Even if the sign on the interstate does not warn against stroller traffic, it is still ill-advised.



When spending time with the baby outdoors...



Do - Be sure the baby has proper sun protection. Wide-brimmed hats (perhaps a baby fedora?) and layers of sunscreen are good ideas.



Do not - Leave the child exposed to the sun and remove his/her shirt because you don't want it to get a farmer's tan.



Further advice - If the unfortunate occurs and there is some sort of stinging insect on your infant, calmly shoo it away. Never swat at the insect with a rolled up magazine while it is standing on your child. This may be viewed as "child abuse" and is widely frowned upon.



When the baby is sick/has a fever...


Do - Take it to the doctor.


Do not - Tell the baby to "toughen up," and follow that with a long-winded ranting detailing how you once went to work with a 102-degree fever and still got more done than your slacker co-workers that day, despite constant hallucinations involving Abe Lincoln, Slimer from Ghostbusters, and a game of Chinese Checkers.


Further advice - Your child's health is no laughing matter... The idea of two trained chimps playing ping pong while a third plays the Magnum P.I. theme song on kazoo, on the other hand, is a laughing matter.
... Ha. Crazy chimps.



When celebrating the baby's first birthday...



Do - Invite family and celebrate with a cake. The kid won't remember it, but you'll have the pictures and memories that you can use to embarrass him/her 15 years down the road.



Do not - Put the baby's face directly next to the solitary burning birthday candle atop the cake, expecting the infant to blow it out. Best case scenario, the kid sneezes it out and your cake has a little extra icing. Keeping the child with ever-developing mental capacity and motor skills away from open flames altogether is the safe route.



Further advice - As mentioned before, your child will not remember this party. Don't get too carried away. Hiring a clown is completely unnecessary, unless your goal is to make your child scream.

If you are a parent/future parent, I hope this advice proves beneficial.

If you know a parent/future parent, feel free to pass these points along.

If you are now dumber after having read this writing, you certainly aren't this first that's happened to.

The Name Game

Names.

We all have them, and very few of us played a part in choosing them. It's interesting.

Sometimes names can even seem to affect one's personality (ever heard someone say, "Y'know, she looks like an Agnes" or "He looks like a Floyd"?), yet, aside from those that go by stage names or those who had really lazy parents ("Hell, I don't know what to name him. Wait 'til he can talk and let him decide."... Surely that's how someone gets the name "Cookie," right?), none of us had any input in choosing the monikers that would follow us like loyal pets (or irritating spam e-mails... I'm not looking for a great deal on Viagra. I'm sorry.) for the rest of our lives.

Normally, I might not spend much time pondering what goes in to choosing a name, but it turns out that 2008 is the Year of the Newborn (also the Year of the Rat, according to the Chinese calendar... I like my phrasing better). In DL history (please note: records only go back to 1982), there has never been as many family members, friends, acquaintances, enemies (... okay, not enemies... yet) receiving visits from the baby delivery stork* as there have been/will be in 2008.

*I am too lazy to look this up, but I am trying to figure out why the stork was designated as the UPS of ornithological baby delivery. Why not an osprey? Or a pelican? Maybe a flock of finches could team up to deliver the "bundle of joy."

With so many people entering the "DL Circle of People He Recognizes" it also means that several new names must be added to the "DL List of Names He Better Not Forget." With this in mind (and at the suggestion of one reader), I figured I better offer any advice I might have to those who will have the task of choosing the perfect name ahead of them.

One obvious consideration is the harmonic agreement among the first, middle, and last names. You want to pick something that sounds natural. If your last name is Smith, you might lean away from naming your child Adolph (actually, if you're having a child, you might considering crossing the name Adolph off your list, regardless of your last name... Just an idea.)

In the case of my family, the last name of my future niece or nephew (we'll get to that in a minute) will be Myers. In such a case, the name Oscar immediately springs to mind as a fantastic option for a young boy (or even a girl... to a much, much lesser extent). The middle name could even be Frankfurt.

When the gender of the child is unknown during the tossing about of the potential names, it can make things a little more difficult. Even something as simple as referring to the future toddler as "he" or "she" is out the window. Nevertheless, this does not mean you should give in and have your potential surprise ruined for the sake of pronouns. You just need to be careful how you refer to the kid (you don't want to risk getting the baby ticked off when it has a chance to kick vital organs of a family member). In the case of my future niece or nephew, I took the obvious route. I call the kid "Niecephew." It's easy. It covers all available options (female, male,... other?). And, honestly, I think it is a name with potential. It is my hope that Niecephew, makes the final list of names considered.

Now, if one chooses to take the more "conventional" route and go against choosing a ground-breaking name offered by a future-uncle, another option that might be considered is basing the name off the child's heritage. The Larson family hails from Sweden, which brings forth an abundance of options. However, one thing that must be considered when pursuing this route is whether or not the name may play a role in determining the child's future.

Is a child named Bjorn more likely to become a tennis pro? Or if you name your kid Sven, will he be more likely to wear thick sweaters all the time? What if named your little girl Heidi? Would she pick flowers in the mountains, always refer to her grandpa as "Grandfather" and have a tendency to interrupt the watching of football games at crucial moments**?

**I obviously know extremely little about the actual plot of the novel, motion picture, and TV movie, "Heidi." Forgive my ignorance... Although you should probably be used to it by now.

If you've considered the aforementioned options, but you're still coming up empty, you can always consider looking to the world of movies, television, music, or sports for inspiration. For instance, if, down the road, I were to look to my favorite TV character for the name of a son, I'd be blessed with a kid named Homer Larson... Maybe that wasn't the best illustration.

If Paul Simon is your favorite musical artist, you might wind up calling your kid "Al." If it's Johnny Cash, you may have a boy named "Sue." If your favorite actor is Harrison Ford, you could name your son "Indiana" or "Han." Maybe you love the show "The Real World" so much that you want nothing more than to parade around on it someday. Then you might just name your little girl "Oops."

It may be that you have reviewed all these wonderful tips (that should probably be compiled in book form and sold in stores(that's not a compliment of my work. There are books out there with nothing but names, for goodness sake... JUST NAMES)), but you're still unsure what the child currently called Womb Dweller will be named once it sees the light of day. That's understandable. The most important thing to remember is that, no matter how much advice you receive or how many baby name books you read, the most important thing is that the name is something both the parents and the child will be able to take pride in. No one can make make the decision but you, future parents.

... although...

"Derek" is a pretty good name. I mean, it's versatile, distinguished, and can really fit with any last name you might have.

Seriously, it's an excellent name.



Think about it.