Attention Shoppers

Christmas is just around the corner (figuratively) and I've still got holiday shopping to complete. Luckily for this guy, we live in the age of online shopping, meaning I can buy gifts from the comfort of my couch, rather than doing something as physically taxing as walking in a store. The web contains a bevy of options for shoppers who enjoy avoiding human interaction at all costs, with one of the most popular being the online auction site, ebay. As a service to you, the reader*, I'm scouring ebay to find the best deals this holiday season. Sit tight, because you'll be in a bidding-war in no time.

*Replace "reader" with any of the following, as necessary: indifferent observer, lovesick stalker, bloodlusting stalker, confused person looking for something with literary value, individual researching different ways to whiff on jokes in a blog.

Want to show someone how much they truly mean to you this Christmas. Perhaps you should get them a gift that they'll have for the rest of their lives... and beyond. Imagine how surprised your loved one will be when they unwrap a granite headstone on Christmas morning. For the price of the stone, the seller will even engrave the full name, year of birth, and year of passing. Note: If you purchase one and attempt to predict your loved one's year of passing so that you wouldn't need to have it engraved again later, you may want to go ahead and purchase a stone for yourself - dated 2009 - as well.

Do you have someone with a sweet tooth on your shopping list? Have no fear, 21 packs of Japanese Candy are waiting for your bid. Where else but Japan can you get fruity gummy candy shaped like rice, tuna, octopus, salmon eggs, and broiled eel? I'm not sure what logic went into deciding that the tuna and salmon egg-shaped pieces should be strawberry-flavored, but I'm truly intrigued.

Perhaps you know someone that is very comfortable with their personal body odor, enjoys dressing up in costumes outside of Halloween, and gains unfathomable joy from scaring small children. If so, this Frosty costume is just for you. Oddly, this item currently has no bids. Who wouldn't want to pay nearly $400 to look like a snowman?

For the entertainment buff on your shopping list, what could be better than a hand-signed 8x10* of Kevin Sorbo. Mr. Sorbo not only starred in the epic television series "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys"**, but he showed his acting range by moving on to projects like "Kull the Conquerer" and "Hercules and Xena - The Animated Movie." $17.99 for this item? Hello, bargain.

*Am I the only one that would be more impressed to get a signature that had not been scrawled via hand? Give me a foot-signed photo anyday.

**See? Even the title tells you that the show was legendary.

Are you the cheap sort? The type that doesn't want to buy any gifts for anyone? Believe it or not, ebay can suit your needs, as well. Check out this listing for nothing. Unfortunately for you, it seems that even nothing costs something these days.

Well, Christmas is just around the corner...

I have heard it said that you can find anything you might want to purchase on eBay. Sure, that's great, but the items you don't hear about are the pieces of trivia that noone bids on. What happens to these items that garner no consumer interest whatsoever? Are they doomed to join Charlie-in-the-Box on the Island of Misfit Toys? With the holiday shopping season approaching, I figured now might be a good time to examine some of the auction items that have received no bids whatsoever. Who knows, this could help a valued reader find a gift for a loved one. I hope you have your credit cards ready.

(Please note: all product titles are listed exactly as they appear on eBay. Typos may be present, but such errors might add into the product's mystique.)


Authentic PUG Fur
This item hits somewhat close to home. I know a member of the pug family pretty well. In my experiences with this canine, fur has not been hard to come by. These dogs shed at a rate that makes one wonder how they don't go completely hairless upon their fourth tail-chasing session of the hour. The idea that one might make some cash by putting this fuzz up for sale is rather asinine... but I imagine it could have the wheels turning in the heads of some of my family members. I know of living room rug that could offer up a rather bountiful harvest.

BLOWN KISSES EMPTY BAG OF BLOWN KISSES
It seems that I should probably bookmark this link. Thus, whenever I get the feeling that the heights of human stupidity have finally been reached, I can click this and remind myself that no one was foolish enough to bid on this empty plastic bag.

Texas Cockle Burrs for sale, Authenic Home Decor
Then again, doubts assuaged by the previous item can creep back into your head when you read this product description. In my experiences with the earthly wonder that is the outdoors, cockleburrs have proven to be some of the most infuriating forms of plant life I have encountered. They cling like the girl who doesn't understand what "let's just be friends" means, and the process of completely separating yourself is just as painful. The idea that someone might pass them off as a "home grown" items for decorating use("Check out the cockleburr crop... It's a beauty this year") is kind of like advertising your toenail clippings as mini toothpicks. It's a bad idea all around. Then again, I guess I'm unclear on what a "Porky Pine" egg (see eloquently worded description) actually is... Maybe such knowledge would make me realize that this is really a bargain.

Dog Or Cat Poopie Doo Boxed Like Candy Rubber Realistic
The mere notion that something with "Poopie Doo" in the title has zero bids is pretty mind-boggling in itself.

Initiation into the Vampire Arts
This seems to argue for the idea that people are not born as vampires, but rather choose to be vampires. The table of contents listed is very helpful, however it seems that having a section titled "What you will NOT find in this booklet" in the booklet is a little contradictory. Apparently vampires aren't sticklers for such details.

98 DEGREES GUITAR PICK
What do you mean fan interest in 98 Degrees has faded? (Insert terrified expression of choice here... I prefer the deep-breath followed by the voice-fading "NOOOOOOOoooooooooo!")

1988 TOPPS FOOTBALL PAUL MCFADDEN #240 PSA 10 EAGLES
No one is willing to put up $9.99 for a football trading card featuring a kicker that spent six whole seasons in the National Football League? Weird. Especially since Tuff Stuff's online price guide values this card as being worth a shiny nickel. While the photo on the card of Mr. McFadden seemingly reading a book he'd taped inside his helmet is a nice one, I'm not sure it's worth that extra $9.94.

How to make money and Get rich
The final item of the evening gives us an opportunity to work through an issue together... Remember, everything listed in this Writing is an eBay item that had received zero bids at the time of composing (by definition, the fewest bids one can receive). If something on eBay receives zero bids, that means it will not be sold, which means it makes the seller a profit of nothing. Although I've never done much of it myself, I am fairly confident that making money and getting rich require profits greater than nothing. Please keep this in mind when considering options you might use to "make money and get rich."


Remember, only 71 days until Christmas.