Opening a New Pack of Absurdity

An innocent comment from a friend on Sunday pushed my mind into a dangerous realm. Granted, it's one I've visited on several prior occasions, and it has even served as the basis for a previous Writing. Nevertheless, it's not a place many would venture. It's a place where one develops a great desire to scour through boxes upon boxes of 2.5 in. x 3.5 in. cardboard rectangles, each featuring a different professional athlete. As I've discussed in the past, it's intriguing to read the tidbits included on the back of certain cards. Some contain trivia that is actually relevant and interesting... Others make one wonder whether the card author was disgruntled when it press deadline came around.

Naturally, we're more concerned with facts written by those that may not have been employed once the packs of cards were on the shelves.

Mike Morgan - Score Select 1994
"When he is healthy, he throws heavy, downward moving fastballs and a sinking slider."

That's fine, but now I'm kind of curious as to what Mike throws when he is unhealthy. Hopefully the answer is not "beanballs at his nurses," or "sharp objects at autograph seekers."

Roger McDowell - Sportflics 1987
When it comes to composing incredibly long sentences, The Writings certainly makes a contribution to society. Alas, I cannot compete with the literary marathon printed on the back of this card. Read on...

"Throwing a wicked natural sinker, the nastiest in the N.L., with impeccable control, he ran off seven successive victories at the beginning of the season - a Met record - and ended up with the most wins in the N.L. by a relief pitcher and second in the league in appearances."

I feel like there should have been a table of contents before that sentence.

Darren Lewis - Donruss Triple Play 1992
I hate to get technical when it comes to baseball cards, especially when we're talking about Triple Play - a brand specifically focused on putting the "rad" in "trading card," but I have to point something out. The back of Mr. Lewis' card features a trivia question. It reads, "From 1988-1990 three different Giants won RBI titles. How many can you name?" Below the question, the "answer" is printed in reverse-type, with instructions for the card-holder to read it in a mirror. Searching for a reflection (even if it's on the back of a spoon) seems like an unnecessary assignment when simply looking to find a trivia question answer, but that's not even the biggest mistake Triple Play made. They answered it wrong. The card lists Will Clark, Kevin Mitchell and Matt Williams as the answer. Unfortunately, the question is a quantitative one. It does not ask the reader "who" the RBI leaders were. It asks, "How many can you name?" As a result, acceptable answers would have been, "1," "2," "3," or, "How the heck should I know? I'm just a freaking baseball card."

Leeland McElroy - Score Select 1996
The author of this card had high hopes for Leeland, even writing that he would "make a lot of teams rue the day they let him slide into the second round..."

I don't have much experience when it comes to day-rueage, but I'm not sure McElroy's 729 career rushing yards, are enough to have an NFL franchise taking up the practice. His six career fumbles compared to three career rushing touchdowns also don't do much to provide rueing material.

John Burkett - Upper Deck 1996
Burkett's card points out that he's "a better pitcher in day-light." You know what that means, right? Yup, reverse vampirism. I think it was brave of Upper Deck to approach such an issue.

Duane Ward - Score 1991
It seems the Score folks wrote their cards with the sole purpose of one day making a former collector skim over their cards and giggle incessantly. It's rare that the author is one to giggle, but what else can one do when a card says the feature player and a teammate "give the team a brace of hefty relievers."

Life is rough when your baseball card calls you fat.

Joe Vitiello - Upper Deck 1992
"The Royals, short on power, think Joe Vitiello could be the answer."

Vitiello, the seventh pick of the 1991 draft, hit 21 home runs over five seasons in Kansas City. Manny Ramirez, Cliff Floyd, and Shawn Green were picked six, seven, and nine picks later, respectively. They have combined for 1,094 career home runs.

"The Royals, short on power, think Vitiello could be the answer."

In 1996, Vitiello finished tied with Kevin Young, a back up first baseman, for fifth on the team in home runs with eight. Young played in just 55 games that season.

"The Royals, short on power, think Vitiello could be the answer."

Sigh.

A trip down memory lane... one cardboard rectangle at a time

Those who keep themselves occupied with multiple tasks at once are referred to as multitaskers. (Note: If you're already lost, this may not be the Writing for you) However, I have noticed that multitaskers are often seen as being productive sorts. I, on the other hand, often keep myself busy with multiple tasks that bear no semblance of anything that could be deemed productive. For instance, this very evening I am watching the BCS matchup between Oklahoma and Florida (it's the battle of the panhandles!), composing this very writing, and flipping through some old sports trading cards.

That's right, while some may have thought I would have run out of embarrassing hobbies to blog on by now, the hits (to other's opinions of me) just keep coming. As a kid, it seemed that any personal income brought in by various odd jobs all went toward the same thing: buying that next pack of cards. As I look back on it now, the obsession sounds nearly like a drug addiction. Cards were my fix. There was a brief period where I was even paid for some work I did in sports cards.

For a young sports-obsessed nerd (we all must come to grips with the truth at some point), they were perfect. I could collect my favorite players, have access to all sorts of stats that were otherwise extremely hard to find in the pre-Internet days, and - in special cases - get some interesting insight. Certain cards would have brief paragraphs detailing the player featured. While most would just delve into a further examination of statistics or mention the players skills, occasionally you would find one that was not quite like the others. It was like the copy writer for the card was attempting to spice things up just a bit. Naturally, the only way to really show the glory of these literary nuggets is to detail them case-by-case. Thus, with a box of cards by my side and the BCS Championship (a panhandler's delight!) on the tube, it's time to flip through some literary gold.

Darrin Jackson - Pinnacle 1995
"His thyroid condition all cleared up in 1994...," so begins the paragraph on Mr. Jackson's card. It's at this point that I wonder if this card is a promotional item from a hospital. Luckily, it does not delve into blood pressure or cholesterol. In fact, in a pleasant turn, it speaks of how Jackson was underrated. It ends with, "... he finally got his due in '94." I'm not sure how the folks at Pinnacle were granted the power to determine what someone's "due" was... but I'm glad Jackson's wasn't the thyroid condition.

Bo Jackson - Score 1991
You remember the "Bo Knows" commercials? Bo knows football. Bo knows baseball. Bo knows dominating in Tecmo Super Bowl. Well, according to Score, Bo also knew intergalactic dominance. After all, this card claims Bo was "the greatest athelete in the universe." One might think calling him the "best athlete on Earth" would have been a strong enough claim... but not the folks at Score. They were making sure any those folks who claim to have been abducted by aliens knew exactly where Bo ranked.
"Sure, they may have beamed you aboard and done some probing, but let's see them beat Bo in a foot-race!"

Gregg Jefferies - Score 1991
According to a GM on an NL rival, you could "... almost smell the love of the game reeking all over..." Jeffries. I think folks with BO have a new excuse.
"Uh, Jim, did you shower today."
"Don't worry. That's just my love of the game."
"What game? We work at Kinkos."
"It's cool, man. I just love what I do."
"So your love smells like gym socks that have been left in the backseat of a car in the middle of the summer?"


Tunch Ilkin - Pro Set 1991
According to this card, Ilkin's mom was Miss Turkey in 1950... I know offensive linemen don't receive much press, but for Pete's sake. They resorted to mentioning his mother on his football card.

Tracy Jones - Score 1992
"... Tracy also gets hurt a lot..."
Score - when the truth hurts, we're there.

Paul Farren - Pro Set 1991
"... Longshot to make pros..."
C'mon, I know the Browns only went 3-13 in 1990, but they were still considered "professionals." That's low, Pro Set.

Mike Davis - Donruss 1990
List in his "Career Highlights" section: "Is cousin of former AFL defensive back Dave Grayson." Funny, I just completed a self-evaluation at work. Are you telling me I could have just listed my relatives and been good to go? I tried to think of actual accomplishments and all I needed to do was say that my third cousin was an extra in Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties?*

*No, not true.

Ricky Bones - Studio 1992
Although I was oblivious to it as a 10-year-old, it seems obvious now that Studio was not only a baseball card company, but a dating service. It makes sense. After all, who has time to "play the field" when you're playing on the baseball field 162 games each season. The back of Ricky's card mentions that he's single, and that his hobbies are "weight lifting, horseback riding, and jet skiing." Here's to hoping he found happiness.

Glenn Braggs - Score 1992
While Studio was looking to hook folks up, it seems that someone at Score may have been nearing a restraining order. Glenn's summary includes the fact that he has an "awesome build" and that he "would rate well against any of the other strong men in the game." ... Uhh, Score, we're still talking about baseball, right?

Larry Johnson - Skybox 1995-1996
We close with a bit of unintentional (hopefully) demotivation. The card says "Standing 6-2 in the seventh grade, LJ was later named by his high school classmates 'Most Likely to Succeed.'" In other words, "Hey short kids, give up now."


The Writings, interpreting hidden basketball card messages since 2009.