Things you should know - Late October Sports Edition

A fair chunk of the regular readers of The Writings have little more than a passing interest in sports. This is a fact I'm aware of, but one I seem to regularly ignore. Instead of giving readers what they're really hoping for (embarrassing tales from my life), I'll post rambling entries about sports teams and athletes in whom my readers have as much interest as they do in the current whereabouts of the cast of "Perfect Strangers." With the World Series upon us, football season in mid-play, and basketball season tipping off, the sports-oriented writing probably will not end anytime soon. I will, however, at least make an effort to present helpful knowledge that the reader could use in everyday conversation. I do occasionally pretend to be a "professional" sports journalist, after all. Consider the following things you should know...


BASEBALL

This World Series will end a drought
The San Francisco Giants have not won a World Series since 1954 and the franchise was located in New York back then. The Texas Rangers, on the other hand, have never appeared in a World Series; not even in their previous life as the Washington Senators. Thus, whoever wins the seven-game series will making history, quenching the thirst for a championship in either San Francisco or Arlington. Why should you care? Mainly because this proves to you that two teams have longer championship droughts than the Kansas City Royals, whose Writings you tolerate with such patience.

The beard-fearing trend has caught on
Last basketball season, the simple notion of fearing one whose face featured whiskers went mainstream* thanks to a Kansas State guard with a silky shot and a hairy chin. This fall, the phrase "Fear the Beard" has made another splash, earning the approval of all in San Francisco thanks to relief pitcher Brian Wilson. Wilson (the non-Beach Boy version) led the majors with 48 saves in 2010 and sports a beard that resembles, in uncanny manner, the fake one actor Matthew Fox wore in Lost.

*Should Pullen really receive all the credit for beard fearing trends? After all, haven't mall Santa's been terrifying children for decades? There's probably credence to the idea of giving Saint Nick some credit, but Santa won't be shooting 3-pointers in Bramlage Coliseum this season. Excellent work, Jake.

This World Series will feature some excellent pitching
It all starts tonight. By the time you read this, one team will probably lead the series 1-0. Most likely, the winner will have received a strong pitching performance from its Game 1 starter. The game features the Rangers' Cliff Lee - the 32-year-old who was demoted to the minors for poor performance as recently as 2007, but followed by winning the Cy Young Award for the league's best pitcher in 2008 - and the Giants' Tim Lincecum - a 26-year-old who won the National League Cy Young Award in 2008 and 2009 and also wears his hair like a teenage girl. Odds are strong that pitching will be as vital to this series as cultural differences were to the scripts of every "Perfect Strangers" episode.*

*I've posted a great number of Writings and never once referred to the show that gave the world the gift of Balki Bartokomous. You didn't think I could only take one bite once I opened the "Perfect Strangers" wrapper, did you?


Football

The rushing attack of the Kansas City Chiefs is the best in football
The Chiefs currently lead the NFL in rushing, averaging 176.5 rushing yards per game. Running backs Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones rank 13th and 16th, respectively, in individual rushing. Is this really a big deal just six games into the season? Perhaps it is. Perhaps it will prove to be as relevant to the season as the fact that one day in high school I ate an entire box of powdered donuts in one sitting. (There's your embarrassing tale of the author's life. Happy?) Because I've never shown much prowess in the area of seeing the future, I really have no idea how things will end for the Chiefs. I just know it's nice to be back to the point where there is some sort of reason for optimism.

Brett Favre will never go away
For years now, there's been great "drama" (translation: 24-hour coverage by major sports networks because pitchmen for Wranglers are apparently more important than actual sporting events) surrounding the "will he retire?" storyline with Mr. Favre. The story is blown up like a Macy's balloon every year, despite the fact that Favre has never actually missed a game due to a "retirement." Now that the season is midway through and we can't focus on possible retirement (and poor play keeps the media from having the opportunity to declare him the savior for all humanity), the Favre filler has revolved around another subject. I believe this is what one might call a lose-lose-lose situation. First off, it involves Favre. (Loss.) Next, it means journalists everywhere are having to write stories on the subject of Mr. Favre's bikini area. (Loss.) The fact that so many outlets are covering it also seems to convey the fact that the general public is interested in the story. (Loss for all of humanity.)


Basketball

Everything you hear about LeBron James and the Miami Heat is wrong
Ever since LeBron James announced he would sign with the Miami Heat this summer, the NBA squad has been more popular in South Beach than Don Johnson and the musical stylings of Will Smith combined.* There are folks that think the Heat - with James plus all-stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh - will set new record for victories in an NBA season. They won't. There are folks that claim that James is some sort of demonic spawn of underworldly origin because of the way he deserted Cleveland. He's not. Personally, I didn't agree with the way James gave the Ohio city a figurative middle-finger by announcing he was signing with a different team on a national television special, but I also don't feel the decision should have him treated as if he's Satan's step-brother. The Heat will be a strong team this year, and they'll be a fun one for many to root against. Just know that they won't dominate in the same fashion that Teen Wolf's team did and be aware that James will not, at any point in the season, grow horns or cloven hooves.

*Is it clear that I've never been to Miami and can only base knowledge of the city on events from pop culture?

The K-State basketball season starts on Nov. 2
Sure, it's a preseason game against a school seemingly named after a "Seinfeld" character, but such details should not hinder enthusiasm. The Wildcats enter the season with national expectations higher than I might have ever imagined. Season tickets are sold out, Jacob Pullen is widely viewed as one of the best guards in the nation, and there's a potential matchup with Duke - the nation's top team - looming less than one month away. No funny business here; this season should be a lot of fun.

Be ready.

Gut feeling

I have never been literally punched in the gut. For this, I'm thankful. You see, I have a feeling that my gut is probably the fragile sort and would not respond well to any sort of physical abuse. After taking one hit, said gut would probably curl up in the fetal position, praying silent prayers for its safety.

Unfortunately, I have taken figurative blows to the gut on several occasions, the most recent of which came last night when the Nebraska Cornhuskers ran past the Kansas State Wildcats on their way a 35-point victory. Through the years I've learned that the fetal position does little to help in said situations.

I have often (probably far too often) used this space to detail certain aspects of collegiate or professional teams that I root for. There have been optimistic looks at hopes for struggling baseball teams (which typically prove fruitless) and running logs of my thoughts during football games (which typically prove uninteresting to anyone that is not a future version of myself). There have been countless hours devoted to attempting to keep up with everything these teams do, even if the team is just inviting a high school recruit to come watch a game. One fact remains: these are games.

Sure, Thursday night's K-State-Nebraska came was a battle of unbeatens. It was a match-up that involved the Cornhuskers attempting to show the nation that they are certainly a Top-10 team, while the Wildcats wanted to show that they deserve a spot in the Top 25. It even served as an historic occasion, as - thanks to Nebraska's decision to ditch their Big 12 brethren for annual trips to Pennsylvania Dutch Country - it marked possibly the final time that the two programs would ever meet on a football field.

The result was one that pained those for whom purple is a permanent wardrobe fixture. Nebraska quarterback Taylor Martinez found more open field than a traveler who takes a wrong turn in Western Kansas and the K-State defenders pursuing him seemed to be reenacting every slow-motion sequence that has ever taken place in film. Nebraska scored and scored. Fans clad in red (far too many of them) cheered endlessly in the stadium named for the Wildcats' head coach, and K-State fans held their guts in disgust. (Or as the result of disgust-fueled drinking.)

The loss hurt. Most do. Thanks to the stoicism from my dad credits to our Swedish heritage, I typically maintain a pretty even keel; never excited to the point of mindless screaming (whew), but never mad to the point of turning green and yelling self-narrations like "Hulk smash!" Yet, some of the most frustrating moments of my life have come as the result of numbers on a scoreboard. My brother-in-law still insists that the angriest he has seen me was after K-State's loss to Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl in early 2004. I was mad about the loss. I was mad about obnoxious Buckeye fans sitting next to me. I was even angry about the ignorant folks sitting behind me who apparently had never seen football before. I was peeved, miffed, fed up, steamed, et cetera. I was this worked up, all about a game.

Why can sports seem so important? There have been plenty of events in my life that have certainly been more important than anything that takes place on a field or a court, and several happenings that have served far more severe (figurative) kidney punches. Such punches are the type that can make you truthfully fear what could be ahead. They can make you wonder how life could be so cruel. They are also the moments in life that can lead one to truly being thankful and appreciative for all they have been blessed with. Such moments trump anything sports can offer. For this, I will accept no debates.

We've determined that, in the grand scheme of all that comprises life, sports don't really matter. (Yes, it apparently took seven paragraphs to reach that mind-blowing conclusion... I'm a little slow.) Why bother with sports when they can leave you curse-mutteringly mad (the author's angry state) but ultimately hold the same importance as your decision to buy one or two Crunchwrap Supremes at Taco Bell? I think I've answered my own question.

We're a society that lives for living vicariously. Through movies, television, books and video games we're largely wrapped up in the successes (Way to save the brake plant, Tommy Boy!) and failures (Stomped by Bowser again? C'mon Mario!) of others. Sports serve as a way feel like a part of that success. You can read so much about an athlete that you feel like you know him or her. You can purchase apparel to match that of your team. You can memorize stats and schedules. If you're loaded with cash, you can even purchase tickets so close to the action that an athlete might steal your popcorn. Essentially, you can get so wrapped up in a team that it honestly feels like its performance affects yours, (I know there have been days that I've gone to work with a smile solely because of the numbers on a scoreboard the night before) and yet, it really doesn't matter.

A sports fan* can be exuberant with victories and devastated with losses, but (as long as said fan is mentally stable) their lot in life is unaffected. When your favorite baseball team loses 100 games in a season, your job is still safe. When your favorite football team wins as often as a Keno player who can't count higher than five, your family still accepts you. When your favorite basketball team drops a game thanks to shooting free throws as accurately as a cross-eyed goat, life moves on. Sure, the punches hurt, but they can be forgotten.

*Please note, this refers to loyal sports fans only. Fair-weather fans cannot be invested in this sort of manner... They also don't have souls.

Do I take sports too seriously at times? Absolutely. Could I imagine things any other way? No chance. Sure, I've been reminded far too many times throughout my 20+ years as a competent* sports fan that the figurative shots to the gut hurt, but there's always hope for tomorrow (even if your head coach regularly uses phrases like very confirmed )... Plus, figuratively, I can take a beating.

*Usage of this adjective is up for debate.

I see the light (but there's not much)

The sky is falling. The glass is half-empty. No dogs go to heaven.

Are the aforementioned statements true? Not that I'm aware, but that's not the point. Those points listed above illustrate the my new attitude toward life. Pessimism rules!

What's with the switch in mindset? How can a guy that predicted more success for the Kansas City Royals than most of their players abandon optimism so abruptly? Simply put, it works.

When news came out that the University of Nebraska was leaving the Big 12 for the in-all-ways-superior Big Ten*, I saw nothing but pain in the weeks ahead. I was sure such news meant that Texas would herd it's south division counterparts westward to the Pac 10 and that Missouri would follow the Cornballers to the Big Ten. As a result, K-State, KU, and the other remainders of the conference would be left with lucrative options like joining the Mountain West or slamming their collective faces into waffle irons. The picture was not a pretty one. (Unless you're a cannibal that also likes waffles, I guess.)

*This is what I gathered from Nebraska's press conference/board meeting/middle-finger-to-the-rest-of-the-Big-12 anyway. I still have a rough time giving the conference credit for academics when it has had 11 member schools for two decades.

This evening, all has changed. It has been announced that the University of Texas has turned down the Pac 10's offer to defy geography and join their conference. Thanks to a new television deal (which involves some sort of agreement that all money minted in Denver goes directly to Mack Brown*), the Longhorns have committed to sticking with the Big 12 . Like sheep (the money-hungry breed of sheep), Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas Tech and Texas A&M are all now interested in seeing the conference survive, as well. It appears that the future of K-State will be much like the past. The conference survives (minus Nebraska and Colorado, subtractions which actually make it a much better basketball conference) and K-State doesn't need to attempt to craft a new rivalry with San Diego State.

*Note: Agreement details may not be factual.

You can credit Texas for saving the conference (but it was the logical choice, considering that Bevo will soon be eating caviar with his hay), or you can credit Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe (but he really should have had something like this in place months ago). I credit my pessimism.

Moving forward, it seems that I need to expect the worst in order to see a hint of the best. As a result, I must strike all optimism that I have ever published in Writing form from the record. Instead, consider the following as my new outlook:

- The Kansas City Royals won't win a game the rest of the season. Zack Greinke will retire next week to become a professional fly fisherman and the following day general manager Dayton Moore will sign Jose Guillen to an eight-year, $100 million contract extension. Promising prospects in the minor leagues will never see the field for the Royals, as owner Dan Glass will sell all the minor league affiliates for roll-back prices.

- The Kansas City Chiefs will look promising in the preseason, but will struggle once the real games arrive when Todd Haley decides to coach with the "size does matter" attitude. Every starter for the Chiefs will weigh over 300 lbs. While they'll struggle in the finesse areas of the game, they will lead the league in chicken wings eaten on the sideline.

- K-State football will see hard times when coach Bill Snyder takes his focus on mentoring a step too far, suiting up area middle schoolers on the defensive line and in the offensive backfield.

- In hoops, Kansas State will enter the season with some valuable postseason experience. Unfortunately, success won't follow when they focus on incorrect aspects of victories. Because they wound up winning the overtime-thriller against Xavier, K-State will foul on every 3-pointer opponents attempts. Also, taking beard fearing too far, K-State administrators will force Wildcat cheerleaders to use Rogaine in their cheeks.

- In my personal life, my roof will cave in, my car will explode, and the next time I ask a girl out, she'll laugh so hard that she'll fall into a coma.

There you have it. Life stinks, pessimism rules.

The next few months will be lousy. (And by that I mean great.)

The Big Math-Is-Tough Conference

Rumors swirled today that the Big Ten Conference (which actually features 11 schools) had finally acted on long-discussed talks of expansion by making offers to join the conference to four new schools. Such a story is big news here in the Midwest because two of the schools rumored to be invited to the Big Ten (because apparently 11 doesn't sound good) are Big 12 members Missouri and Nebraska. Since the reports came out earlier today, representatives from Missouri and Nebraska have been busy denying that any such offers have been made. Thus, the major news of the day is really that nothing happened.

Now, I have no idea how formal offers to join a conference like the Big Ten (plus one) are actually passed around, but for some reason I can't get the image of the Big Ten Conference commissioner Jim Delany passing a note Nebraska Athletic Director Tom Osborne. The note is a quarter-sheet of wide-ruled paper torn hastily from a spiral notebook. On it is scribbled "Do you like me?" with a pair of check-boxes; one next to the word "yes," the other next to the word "no."

Yes, there are a bevy of things that will go in to a school deciding whether they want to change conferences (cough*It'sAllAboutTheMoney*cough), but I've decided that it's a lot more entertaining to equate the entire ordeal to middle school matchmaking. The following quote from Osborne, found on espn.com, does little deter my juvenile associations:

"We haven't entered into any formal talks with anybody right now. We're focusing on the Big 12. But I don’t think that
means if somebody wanted to pick up the phone and call us, that we'd
hang up on them. You listen."

Translation follows:

Espen (the inquisitive gossip that can be pretty annoying at times): Hey Herbina, would you ever go out with Big Tim (the guy from up north who is very rich, but really struggles with math)?
Herbina (a corn-fed girl who never should have fired Frank Solich... or something): No, that's a silly question. I'm going out with Bevo (the Midwestern kid who spends way too much time in Texas)... Why, did Big Tim say something about me? Did he?

The Future, Conan?

News came out recently that Kansas City is a finalist on the list of cities being considered as potential World Cup soccer match hosts in 2018 or 2022. In speaking about the possibility, Mayor Mark Funkhouser mentioned that feels soccer is the "sport of the future." Such a proclamation brought forth immediate concern in my mind. After all, in my 27 years as a functioning (mostly) human, the only soccer games I have watched from start to finish were those that involved writing a game story afterward and receiving a (meager) paycheck down the road.

The sport known as football everywhere but in America is one that I have never been able to develop an appreciation of. Frankly, it bores me. Even when I was being paid to attend the games, the "action" often had me pondering more entertaining ways to spend my time before even 10 minutes had passed. Could I teach myself to balance my pen on my chin by the time the game wrapped up? Should I record my own play-by-play commentary on my electronic voice recorder?* If someone plotted my text messaging tendencies in 2006 on a graph, odds are that one would notice considerable peaks during the periods of time I spent watching soccer.

*"There's a kick... another kick... a kick to the fullback... Holy rotunda, another kick!"

Alas, the point of this Writing is not ridicule a sport so many around the world hold dear. The point is to express concern about our future. As a child, television, film, and video games taught me that nearly everything in the future would involve some combination of hoverboards, flying cars, rocket boosters, robots, space colonies, nearly invincible clones, lightweight body armor, meals in pill form, teleportation, and scary-smart artificial intelligence. Childhood Derek would be giddy at the mere thought of a sport that combined even half of those items listed. Now Adult* Derek has learned that - in at least one authority figure's opinion - the sport of the future involves running, kicking, and... more running.

*Term used loosely.

Is this really the best the future can offer? And does it really make sense to call something that has been around for ages the "(blank) of the future"? By this logic, we can say the Geo Metro is the car of the future, ABBA is the band of the future, and Burger Time is the video game of the future. It's my personal thinking that any and all "... of the future" should refer to things that have not yet been created (otterball* is the sport of the future), things that just recently hit the market (Droid is the phone of the future), or things that have yet to gain popularity (The Writings is the blog of the future**).

*What's otterball? Your guess is as good as mine.

**Checking to see if you're paying attention. If the blog of the future involves continual references to professional wrestling, we may all be in trouble.

Will Kansas City host World Cup Soccer in nine and/or 13 years? Only time will tell.

Will soccer be the hottest ticket in town in nine and/or 13 years? Is it the "sport of the future"? With this, I must disagree. Recent Major League Soccer attendance figures for KC seem to indicate that I'm not the only one who feels that way.

... But Still More Successful Than the Author's Last Date...

Tony Pena, Jr., - Royals shortstop and free-swinger extraordinaire - enters tonight's game against the Chicago White Sox with a .158 batting average.

For those of you who may not be familiar with baseball or the stats that come along with it, a .158 batting average is horrid. Actually, horrid may not be a strong enough term. With a .158 batting average, Pena has a slightly better chance of getting a hit each time at the plate than I do of stepping into a gnome-crafted inflatable pool filled with gummi worms and Alf pogs when I wake up tomorrow morning.

I have done some ground-breaking research, and what follows is a list of people and things that may have a better chance of getting a hit in a Major League batter's box than Pena, Jr...

- George Brett... swinging a licorice rope instead of a bat.

- A blind Yorkshire terrier.

- A football tackling dummy.

- Sr., Ynot Anep (the bizarro Tony Pena, Jr.)

- Colonel Sanders swinging a drumstick.

- An inanimate carbon rod.

- Lupus from "Bad News Bears."

- Omaha Royals SS Angel Berroa (I can't believe I just typed that).


*Please note: This Writing is for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant to be taken seriously.

... After all, we all know that Derek would never take the time to do actual research.

Draft-y Day

"With the fifth pick in the NFL Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select..."

In mere hours, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will begin a sentence with this very phrase (unless, of course, the Chiefs trade the pick... but that would render this entire opening moot, so I'm going to ignore such an idea for now). How Mr. Goodell ends this sentence is anyone's guess.

The Chiefs - a team so adored by its fans that the ending of the National Anthem is modified each game, just to remind everyone that the team resides in the U.S.A. - are in the process of "rebuilding," meaning the focus in developing young players and having your team success rely on how quickly the players improve. In professional sports, rebuilding can be a slow process, at times taking several years to see any sort of results (see: Royals, Kansas City; 1995-2008). It is because of these failures, that "rebuilding" can be viewed as a derogatory term by some fans (Holy rebuilding!).

The idea that the Chiefs plan to build a successful team via the draft is an interesting one, since the team's draft history isn't exactly one that you'd find in How to Succeed as an NFL GM (look for it on bookshelves soon). For every Derrick Thomas the Chiefs have brought in, there's been a Trezelle Jenkins (who's greatest impact for KC may have been giving me a spectacular bust to refer to in this very blog).

At this point, the Chiefs have 13 picks to use (or blow) in the seven rounds stretched over this weekend and my interest is piqued as to how successful (or failful ... I know, just go with it) the Chiefs can be with these picks. To waste time until my reaction to the Chiefs first pick is "YES," "meh," or "d'oh" we'll look at the Chiefs last 10 drafts and rate the picks using these genuine Derek reactions (for those of you confused by my scoring system, "YES" = a pick who became an All-Pro caliber player or who performed much better than expected for the slot he was drafted; "meh" = a player who was about average of what one might expect for the spot he was drafted... not anything to get particularly excited about; "d'oh" = a player that made you question whether the team had a chimp who was high on painkillers make the pick.

2007
YES - Dwayne Bowe (1st rd.)
meh - Turk McBride (2nd), Tank Tyler (3rd), Kolby Smith (5th), Herb Taylor (6th), Michael Allan (7th)
d'oh - Justin Medlock (5th)

It's pretty early to be judging such picks, but at this point, Bowe looks to be a star receiver in the making. Turk and Tank will end up in the d'oh category if they don't develop into players the Chiefs can depend on inside. Medlock fits well in the d'oh category, since that was my response to nearly every one of his kicks while he wore a helmet with an arrowhead on the side.

2006
YES - Jarrad Page (7th)
meh - Tamba Hali (1st), Bernard Pollard (2nd), Brodie Croyle (3rd), Trey Stallings (6th), Jeff Webb (6th)
d'oh - Marcus Maxey (5th)

Page gets top billing simply because finding a starting safety in the final round of the draft is not particularly common. Hali, Pollard and Croyle will all probably be starters when fall arrives, but they all have particularly weak points in their games (run defense, pass coverage and throwing accurate passes, respectively).

2005
YES - Derrick Johnson (1st), Dustin Colquitt (3rd)
meh - Boomer Grigsby (5th), Will Svitek (6th)
d'oh - Craphonso Thorpe (4th), Alphonso Hodge (5th), Khari Long (6th), James Killian (7th), Jeremy Parquet (7th)

Wow... It's nice that the Chiefs got two quality picks (yes, I realize one is a punter... but he was one of the few bright spots on the team last season), but rounds 4-7 were a little rough for the KC front office... Damn that chimp.

2004
YES - Jared Allen (4th)
meh - Samie Parker (4th), Kevin Sampson (7th)
d'oh - Junior Siavii (2nd), Kris Wilson (2nd), Keyaron Fox (3rd), Jeris McIntyre (6th)

Here's a draft the 2008 Chiefs may not want to reenact. Naturally, Allen was an excellent pick. Naturally, the Chiefs decided to give him away this offseason. KC's top pick in '04, Siavii, had 13 total tackles in two seasons on the roster. In other words, the 6-5, 336 pounder made a slightly larger impact than I did.

2003
YES - Larry Johnson (1st), Kawika Mitchell (2nd)
meh - Jordan Black (5th), Jimmy Wilkerson (6th), Willie Pile (7th)
d'oh - Julian Battle (3rd), Brett Williams (4th), Montique Sharp (7th)

This draft is deceiving. Mitchell has become a stellar linebacker, but it's been for the Super Bowl champion New York Giants. Johnson was drafted as an insurance policy for Priest Holmes, despite the fact that the Chiefs desparately needed an impact defensive player.

2002
YES - Scott Fujita (5th)
meh - n/a
d'oh - Ryan Sims (1st), Eddie Freeman (2nd), Omar Easy (4th), Maurice Rodriguez (7th)

Pardon me while I stick my hand in a paper shredder...

2001
YES - n/a
meh - Monty Beisel (4th), Derrick Blaylock (5th), Shaunard Harts (7th), Terdell Sands (7th)
d'oh - Eric Downing (3rd), Snoop Minnis (3rd), George Layne (4th), Billy Baber (5th), Alex Sufsted (6th)

You know what this mangled hand could use? A dash of salt...

2000
YES - Greg Wesley (3rd), Dante Hall (5th)
meh - Pat Dennis (5th)
d'oh - Sly Morris (1st), William Bartee (2nd), Frank Moreau (4th), Darnell Alford (6th), Desmond Kitchings (7th)

It's fairly obvious that looking at '02 and '01 have made me feel pretty generous. Wesley is a bit of a stretch as an All-Pro caliber safety, and Dennis was the most aggravating starting cornerback I've seen in KC... but he did start. Morris had a decent rookie season, but I think earning "solid first-round pick" status may require more than one successful season (I grade on a tough scale, I know).

1999
YES - John Tait (1st), Gary Stills (3rd)
meh - n/a
d'oh - Mike Cloud (2nd), Larry Atkins (3rd), Larry Parker (4th), Eric King (7th)

Again, I'm stretching. Stills went to a Pro Bowl, but it was as a special teams player.

1998
YES - Victor Riley (1st)
meh - Greg Favors (4th), Derrick Ransom (6th), Eric Warfield (7th)
d'oh - Rashaan Shehee (3rd), Robert Williams (5th), Ernest Blackwell (7th)

I realize that Warfield started for several years after being drafted in the seventh round - drastically outperforming the expectations of his draft position - but I cannot forgive the fact that he was given contract Monty Burns would envy while the Chiefs let Donnie Edwards walk.


At a glance, this seems to be a pretty depressing tally. But lets see what the final numbers add up to. In 10 years, the Chiefs have made 73 picks. A total of 13 of those picks have earned the honor of receiving an outstanding rating on the DL scale. The Chiefs have made 25 average picks during that time, with 35 picks making the author quiver in terror and/or agony.

Let's reiterate this point. A team that has essentially wasted nearly half of its draft picks over the last decade plans to construct a team via this very process.

Should I be scared right now?

Nicking Names and Baseball Games

The weather forecast for Saturday evening in Kansas City, Mo., currently shows a low of 30 degrees with possible rain/snow showers and winds near 20 m.p.h. If one were to conjure up an image in their mind of "baseball weather" odds are such conditions would not be imagined.

Nevertheless, this occasional writer will be at Kauffman Stadium, rooting for the Royals and wondering what the heck 'global warming' is. Upon hearing that, some people probably think I'm crazy, others think I'm stupid, and the rest wonder why the Drago* this matters. Well, you all have a point, but I'm still looking forward to it.

*The phrase "why the ..." ends so often in derogatory manner, but none of the uses ever really make practical or grammatical sense. As a result, it seems that anything could plugged in as the third word in the triad to make the same point. I figure using such an opportunity to pay homage to Dolph Lundgren's Rocky IV character is rather suitable.**

** In a tribute to Kansas City's own Joe Posnanski, The "Pozterisk" has made its way into "The Writings." What, you may ask, is a Pozterisk? Naturally, it's an asterisk, with a little dose of Poz... Or you could think of it as another way for me to lose track of any topic I may have at-one-time been referring to.

Anyway, despite the fact that those in attendance at the current Royals game - the night's feature presentation at the DL home theater - have the look of people who can't feel their extremities, the trip to "The House That Some Construction Workers Built" (trademark Derek D. Larson, 2008) is an anticipated one. It's a chance to see the 2008 Kansas City Royals, which is enough on its own... But it also marks the nostalgic return to powder-blue uniforms and provides an opportunity to check out the revisions to the stadium, including Crown Vision - possibly best described as a high-defintion video board that automatically draws a "holy Sorny*" response

*The rules that apply to "what the..." phrasing (as discussed earlier) have now been deemed appropriate by the Governing Board of "The Writings" for use in pairing with "holy..." as well. Those unfamiliar with "Sorny" should please refer to http://www.snpp.com/episodes/3F11.html

In continued browsing of Royals-related web sites, I've seen several discussions of nicknames for members of the roster. I like to think I've at least assisted in the nicking of a few names in my day, and will therefore offer up my best shot.

- Billy "Groundskeeper Willie" Butler - Another reference to The Simpsons. The reasoning? All Butler does is rake (for those yet again unfamiliar with references tossed out by the author, see http://www.doubletongued.org/index.php/dictionary/rake/ )

- Zack "Silent K" Greinke - Greinke's a quiet guy, the 'k' in his first name could be considered silent, and the kid strikes a few batters out... I never said these would be rocket science...

- Tony Pena, Jr. - "Pam" - There's a pretty simple joke about "no stick" involved with this one.


In other news, college basketball season has ended and the result was enough to make me wish Dr. James Naismith had never been provided access to peach baskets. Naturally, with my established rule of not allowing any school sits in a Kansas town that shares its name with a former Blossom actor and employing a fictional bird as its mascot to advance past the second round of the tournament, my bracket was doomed. The question follows: If, through some encounter with a wormhole or time vortex (forgive me, I have yet to complete A Brief History of Time, and thus have not fully familiarized myself with such time travelling terms) I could have known the future, would I have been able to live with myself picking Kansas to be the last team standing?

The answer: [refer to rules governing "why the..." and "what the..." phrasing discussed earlier, and insert term of choice here] no!*

*In effort to replace the phrasing "heck no" along with its belittling cousins, proper examples include: "buttons no," "neanderthal no," and "bovine no."

A Novel Idea

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Kansas City Royals new manager Trey Hillman is a visionary. He's going to revolutionize the game of baseball. The Royals - the only undefeated team in baseball - are opening their fourth game of the season, and Hillman has decided stick with what works. He's playing the exact same lineup and batting order for the third consecutive game. As those guys on the Guinness commercial are known to exclaim, BRILLIANT!

OK, by now your sarcasm detector should be beeping or blinking (or whatever a sarcasm detector does when it detects the sarcasm it is intended to find... I couldn't find much information last time I checked Sharper Image) at a expeditious pace. Obviously finding a lineup that works and playing it consistently is nothing new in the game of baseball... but it seems that way if you're a Kansas City fan.

Check the facts (courtesy http://www.baseballreference.com/ ... if you're like me (that's a big if) it will become a staple in your web browsing ventures)...

In 162 games in 2007, then-manager Buddy Bell assembled 141 different batting orders. The most common batting order Bell used was written on the lineup card a grand total of six times... This astounds me. I think a helper monkey could pick nine names out of a hat on 162 different occasions and have more consistency in choosing a lineup (and even the monkey would realize that Shane Costa should never bat cleanup).

The fact that Hillman has used the same batting order for three straight games means he's already accomplished something that Bell never did in 2007.

Or 2006.

Or 2005.

In fact, last time Royals played the same batting order for three straight games, Carlos Beltran was hitting in the No. 2 spot, and Angel Berroa was actually a valuable member of a Major League roster (yes, kids, that was once a reality). It was in September 2003.

Oddly enough, 2003 also marked the last season the Royals were in a pennant race. Tony Pena even earned the AL Manager of the Year award.

Now I'm not going to claim that batting the same nine guys in the same nine spots everyday is the key to baseball success (of course, neither is playing Jason LaRue's .240 on-base percentage in 66 games), but a little dose of consistency can't hurt.

Two Sweet

The Kansas City Royals are 2-0.

This, my friends (hopefully John McCain hasn't trademarked that phrase yet), is excellent news.

It has become a recent tradition for me to write something brimming with hope and optimism saying that the Royals are primed to break out, show great improvement, and finish much better than the cellar spot the national media has them pegged for.

This season, I'm late with that piece and my stance has seemingly been stolen from me. National publications have picked the KC squad to finish on the stairs and even on the ground floor (perhaps there's a reason no one ever expands on that "basement" metaphor.

With the new manager Trey Hillman and the Royals actually getting some respect this season, I almost feel like my eternal optimism (what else can one call finding positives in the acquisition of Scott Elarton two years ago?) isn't completely unusual. Now, in addition to a little preseason love, they have opened the season with two victories against the best lineup, top-to-bottom in baseball (including an astounding three-hitter today).

What is the key to the 2008 Royals? Is it an offense infused with the ever-blossoming (arbitrary Spring reference) talents of DH Billy Butler and third baseman Alex Gordon? Is it the triumvirate of Gil Meche, Brian Bannister and Zack Greinke proving their 2007 mound performances were no fluke? Is it having a mind managing the club that is willing to give young players opportunities and play to team strengths?

The answer, fine readers ('The Writings' - where you, the reader, get recognition for comprehending text), is all of the above.

At this point, we reach prediction time. Faithful readers (and by reading this far, there's a good chance you are one... Congratulations...?) will realize that my predictions are often like any occurrences of the degradation of communication that is 'ROTFL' (read: horribly wrong and unfunny). Nevertheless, I'm going on record...

The Royals will finish third in the AL Central, behind the Indians and the Tigers.

Write it down. Print it. Circle it. Underline it. Replace the dots over the letter "i"s with hearts... Do whatever you prefer with it. Just remember, you read it here.

In fact, while we're at it...

AL East Winner - Boston Red Sox (way to go out on a ledge for that one, Derek)
AL Central Winner - Cleveland Indians
AL West Winner - Angels of Anaheim (you hear me? Anaheim... none of this Los Angeles junk)
AL Wild Card - New York Yankees (sorry Tigers... but pitching is a part of the game, too)

NL East Winner - New York Mets
NL Central Winner - Houston Astros (nonsensical pick to avoid conforming to popular opinion of the day)
NL West Winner - Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Wild Card - Atlanta Braves

World Series pick - Indians over Mets

Please feel free to tear these predictions apart. Just try to refrain from personal attacks... unless they contain strikingly original attempts at humor.

Ode to the Cats

Consider this the perfect storm.

No, I'm not a fisherman, I'm not on a fishing boat sailing into frightening weather conditions, and I'm not portrayed by George Clooney.

This "perfect storm" results from the fact that recently read a Joe Posnanski baseball preview where he discussed each team in the American League via the wonder of poetry, K-State's basketball season recently ended - meaning it's ripe for a wrap-up piece, and I think trying to do a few rhymes might be a good way to pass some time. Granted, the last time I wrote any poetry was as a high schooler - where I covered pressing issues like commode-dwelling serpents - so my rhymes may come off as a bit juvenile.


Michael Beasley

K-State's number 30,
His name - Michael Beasley;
On nearly any foe,
He scored rather easily.
Against the Hawks in Manhattan,
He put up 25;
In essence, he declared,
Sorry, KU, your streak is no longer alive.
Did I mention his rebounding?
A phase that brings to mind;
A janitor armed with Windex,
Cleaning two windows in kind.
Prior to 2007,
Who could comprehend;
Beasley-like stats,
Coming from the Wildcats' end?
Hansbrough, you're good,
You too Augustine, when you're hot;
But player of the year,
You guys are not.
The argument ends,
With the mention of Mr. Bucketization;
He's the best of season,
The best in nation.
Will he be in purple next year?
It's an answer I'd rather not say;
But I think some people in the Little Apple,
May develop more interest in the NBA.



Bill Walker

There once was a forward named Bill,
His athletic ability could thrill,
The fans in the stands,
Would all clap their hands,
I hope his chance of return is greater than nil.



Jacob Pullen

K-State's best player next season may be Pullen, Jake,
Not playing him more this year may have been a mistake,
Quick enough to sneak through defenses like a snake,
Opposing guards may involuntarily quake,
When he jitters past them after a shake,
Hopefully you talus didn't suffer a break,
Is that a pass to the weak side or is it a fake?
Think about that as you're in his wake,
Any shot on the floor, he can probaby make,
Even some free thows with the game at stake,
With that skill he made folks in Lawrence ache,
He had 20 off the bench for goodness sake,
Looking for a star next season - who should you take?
The Wildcats' Agent Zero - it's just Pullen, Jake.



The Season

Frank's inaugural season,
Is now over and done,
And for more than one reason,
It provided a fair amount of fun;
A house pack to the brim,
Saw the Cats devour the Hawks,
To anyone not dim,
They seemed like tournament locks.
Down the stretch all that optimism,
Proved a bit premature,
Instead of playing with wisdom,
At times they looked like horse manure;
At tourney selection time,
They sat close to the bubble,
It's obvious that this rhyme,
Is going to say they got in and avoided trouble;
Mitch Richmond wore No. 23,
The last time the Cats won a tournament game,
The Cats ended that streak by topping USC,
And the nation knew K-State by name;
The Cats fell to the Badgers in round two,
Their season now is finished,
But after making noise in the tourney it's hard to be blue,
And their accomplishments have not diminished.
With next season in mind, questions surround,
If Beasley and Walker are gone will the season be blown?
But several reasons for hope can easily be found,
Oh yeah, and then there's Colon.
All jokes aside, K-State will be back,
This basketball team isn't done,
What will be next season's plan of attack?
Four words - Get Ready To Run.

Dancing With the Cats

March 1996... Does it really seem like 12 years ago?

I was in middle school (and sporting some pretty slick frames), Bill Clinton was in the White House, Michael Jordan was leading the Chicago Bulls to a record-setting 72-10 record, Braveheart won the Academy Award for Best Picture, and Jorge Sampaio became new Portuguese president (honestly, who could forget that?).

"Why bother turning back the calendar?" one might ask (... after all, one can bother asking unnecessary questions before another has the chance to explain).

March 1996 was also the last time the Kansas State Wildcats were involved an event commonly deemed "March Madness" (although the insane may take offense to such terminology).

On March 15, 1996 the Wildcats (as a No. 10 seed) battled the New Mexico Lobos in Richmond, Va. Let by point guard Elliot Hatcher and power forward Tyrone Davis, K-State had piled up 17 wins to that point. Unfortunately for the Cats, the Lobos defended like a mother Lobo protecting her pups (this simile was used just to show that I know what a Lobo is... unless the mascot refers to Lobo the alien from the planet Czarnia (from DC Comics) or Lobo the singer-songwriter who sang "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo"). K-State trailed by just a point at the half, but shot just 24-percent after the break and was outscored 38-18 in the final period.

Since that time, the K-State basketball program has seen many things happen:
- The creation of the Big 12;
- The early departure of Mark Young to play professionally (read: bad idea);
- The decision to award a scholarship to Joe Leonard (read: bad idea);
- The dismissal of Tom Asbury as head coach (read: good idea);
- The hiring of Jim Wooldridge as head coach;
- The arrival of a recruiting class pegged as No. 1 by one publication (apparently size does matter);
- The Cats getting hosed by the NIT two consecutive years;
- The dismissal of Wooldridge as head coach;
- The hiring of Bob Huggins as head coach;
- The arrival of bandwagon fans;
- The Cats being overlooked by the NCAA Tournament selection committee;
- The departure of Huggins;
- The arrival of plenty of anger and bad blood toward Huggins;
- The hiring of Frank Martin as head coach;
- The arrival of the best recruiting class to step foot in Bramlage Coliseum;
- The ascension of a basketball prodigy known as "Beasley";
- And, an up-and-down season combining the greatest of joys and the fiercest of frustrations.

That basically brings us up to date (please forgive the omission of any reference to the decision to recruit primarily out of Junction City in the late 1990s... it's probably something better off forgotten).

Anyway, the big question now is "How will the Cats fare in their first chance in the 'Big Dance' since Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men topped the charts with 'One Sweet Day'?"

Will they top the USC Trojans and become a team feared by all in their way? Or will they struggle with the most basic fundamentals of the game and get run out of the gym by O.J. Mayo and friends?

Honestly, I could see it going either way.

The Cats can cruise if...
Michael Beasley plays like Michael Beasley. I realize this is like saying "a heartbeat is necessary for survival" or "an announcer has to use a minimum of four Cinderella references to call an NCAA Tournament game," but Beasley has to get his points for the Wildcats to win. This is not because he's the only player in purple who can put the ball in the hoop, but because the offense (when it's effective) is built around him.
Beasley getting his points will bring the double-and triple-teams, which brings us to part two of this qualification - K-State has to take full advantage of the defensive focus on Beasley.
Let's pause to do a bit of math (those who don't want to can sit quietly). In the game of basketball, each team is allowed to have five players on the floor at any given time. If the Wildcats are on offense and Beasley has the ball, that means there are four (5-1=4) K-Staters who are scoring options (ok, it may be a stretch for one player in particular) who remain on that end of the court. Now, if two players are guarding Beasley while he has the ball, that means only three (5-2=3 ... math is fun) defenders remain. Now, stay with me here, if K-State has four other players on offense, but the defense only has three players away from Beasley, that means... (waiting for response from the class)... that's right - that one Wildcat should be open.
What does this all mean? It means that the offense should have players continually spotting up for open shots or cutting to the basket when Beasley has the ball. If a team is going to sacrifice a defender for a double-team, it's best to make them pay for it.

The Cats will fall if...
Those who don't wear a jersey with the number 30 on it are content to stand and watch once the ball is in his hands.

The Cats will cruise if...
Bill Walker is motivated by the opportunity to play against high school teammate Mayo and uses his uber-athleticism (aka, his aBILLity) to make an impact in all phases of the game. The scoring is wonderful, but he also has to be a force on the boards and an effective defender.

The Cats will fall if...
Walker gets in early foul trouble, limiting his ability to be effective on defense or in rebounding.

The Cats will cruise if...
Jake Pullen gets his minutes. The freshman point guard has established himself as the most talented guard on the roster, yet his playing time remains inconsistent. When K-State topped KU on Jan. 30, Pullen played 28 minutes, scored 20 points, and showed critics that the Wildcat backcourt would not be a weakness when matched up against the Jayhawks. In Lawrence on March 1, Pullen played just 11 minutes and the Cats fell 88-74.
But, it's not just Pullen. Ron Anderson has shown that he's the top rebounder/post defender/post scoring option on the team outside of the Beasley/Walker duo, yet he played just five minutes against Texas A&M (another team with a couple pretty decent posts) in the Big 12 Tournament.
Am I saying the distribution of minutes is the reason for the Wildcats' downfall? Of course not. Might it have played a part? Absolutely.

The Cats will fall if...
Pullen gets yanked and doesn't get much of a chance to run the Wildcat offense, Anderson is overlooked for minutes in the post, and Beasley and Walker are sitting next to each other on the bench with foul trouble, eating popcorn and discussing how many Bentleys they'll each have at this time next year.

Now, being the non-licensed, yet-practicing bracketologist that I am, how have I pegged the Wildcats in the tournament? On my official bracket, the Cats top the Trojans, but fall to the Wisconsin Badgers in the second round (please note that I had to beat my inexplicable optimism to the ground with a cricket bat to reach that conclusion). On the unofficial (yet much more enjoyable to fill out) version of el bracketo (my inexplicably optimistic side apparently enjoys butchering attempts at the Spanish language), the name "K-State" is printed six times, with the final script appearing underneath the heading "National Champion."

It could happen... Right?

84-75... You Understand

As a wave of purple exuberance flooded the Bramlage Coliseum court on Wednesday night, I was not sure what was racing faster - my heart thanks to 40 minutes of standing, shouting, living, and dying (figuratively) with every foul, turnover, and basket; or my brain while attempting to comprehend just how perfect the night had been and how big of a victory the Wildcats' 84-75 win over the Kansas Jayhawks really was.

One day later, my heart has slowed to the point that I'm no longer feating cardiac arrythmia, but thoughts are still zipping through my head like Wildcat point guard Jacob Pullen breaking a Jayhawk press.

With my mind as crowded as the Bramlage floor seconds after the clock hit 0:00, truly illustrating my thoughts in written form would look something like this:

HolysmokestheCatsfinallybeattheHawksatBramlage.NotonlythatbuttheybeattheNo.2teaminthecountry. OntopofallthatK-StateisnowinsolepossessionoffirstplaceintheBig12.Sweetmercy.Hallelujah.

As you can see, following that writing strategy may not be the most effective way of conveying my thoughts. This process needs deep, serious thought... like an award acceptance speech. And, well, I have a feeling winning an award could not have me feeling much better than this win has left me feeling, so consider this my speech at the podium (... it's a figurative podium).

Ahem...

First, I'd like to thank Michael Beasley and Bill Walker. It's been a long, long time since the best player on the court in the Sunflower Showdown has donned purple... Wednesday night, the Wildcats had the top two players. They may both be freshmen, but the young bucketization specialists do not seem to know the meaning of the phrase "big game jitters," and combining for 47 points seems to illustrate that rather well. They simply play the game, and as Beasley says, they "play for keeps."
... Oh, and thanks for following through on Beasley's prediction. Beat KU in Manhattan - check. Now there's that game in Lawrence... and one in Africa if they're feeling salty.

I'd like to thank coach Frank Martin. Efforts like this should help people realize that he's got a few things going for him other than being a friend of Bob Huggins and a key to keeping Beasley and Walker after Huggins' departure. The offense-defense rotations of Walker-Kent and Young-Sutton were moves that paid off. The switches between man and zone defenses were obviously effective as well.
Also, when some coaches speak of taking one game at a time, it can seem like lip service, but something about Martin shows it's 100-percent genuine in his case. He's chasing a championship, which is a mindset that hasn't exactly been associated with K-State basketball for awhile.

I'd like to thank the aforementioned Pullen, along with fellow guards Clent Stewart and Blake Young. Prior to the 7 p.m. tipoff on Wednesday, popular (unanimous?) opinion seemed to be that the Wildcats' backcourt would be their downfall. After all, KU's backcourt was simply too talented for the Stewart-Pullen-Young trio (that's SPY for you acronym fans out there). Funny how little popular opinion matters once a game starts. Pullen, continuing his transformation from a high school kid learning the college game into a legitmate threat on a legitimate team, scored 20 points while shooting a perfect 10-10 from the foul stripe - including several clutch free throws as the game neared an end. He also showed off his ballhandling capabilities, proving too quick for the Jayhawk defense while breaking presses and finding lanes to the basket on a consistent basis. Stewart scored 11 points while continuing to serve as the model of quiet consistency, and Young tallied five assists and no turnovers against a KU perimeter defense touted as the best in the conference.

I'd like to thank the rest of the Wildcats:
- Dominique Sutton for a harrassing defensive effort. Matched up for much of the game against Brandon Rush, Sutton responded to a push into the starting lineup and forced two steals. He also came up with a huge play, streaking in from the weak side to swat a Jayhawk layup.
- Darren Kent for playing his role in outstanding fashion. Sure his shots didn't fall, but Kent stepped in when Walker got in foul trouble and held his own in the post defensively. Seeing Kent play a key role for a Top 25 team may not be something I ever expected, but I certainly don't mind being wrong.
- The rest of the bench for keeping the crew energized.

I'd like to thank my cellphone for having a digital camera (or at least a poor excuse for one) allowing me to snap the above picture.

I'd like to thank the Bramlage crowd. From the students that arrived the night before and hid in shrubbery to avoid security to the 60-year-old man sitting next to me that exhibited his excitement through the wonder of hogcalls (suuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey), the atmosphere was the best I'd ever experienced in organized basketball. Constant standing, continuous noise and clever signs all added to an environment that I will not soon forget. I'm pretty confident the top five loudest moments ever at Bramlage may have all occurred in this game (sorry, debut of Joe Leonard... you'll have to settle for 6th place). Even a held ball 30 seconds into the game elicited a gigantic roar.
Also, a big thanks goes to the student section for realizing that the "o-ver-rate-ed" chant is not a flattering one and avoiding it completely. It's never fun to admit, but KU is a very good team. Fortunately, a 5-0 in conference play K-State team is showing that they may deserve that label, as well.

In closing, I'd like to thank my family for raising me to be what every Kansas kid should be... a Wildcat.

Gladiators in Our Country, and other things

As many folks know, American Gladiators recently received new television life. Gladiators had been dead since 1996, but NBC did its best Dr. Frankenstein impersonation and gave the show new life. As one who enjoyed watching the show on Saturday mornings during its original run, I naturally miss the nostalgia of Larry Csonka providing commentary and “Two Scoops” Berry becoming grand champion (I realize only three people alive have any clue what I’m talking about by this point). Nevertheless, I put in some time watching the program on Monday night (the second episode of the new iteration I’ve witnessed) and noted a couple of my favorite (read: most ridiculous) elements of AG08.

And down on the floor with the next contestant… Hulk Hogan?

As anyone who has seen Mr. Terry Bollea (how many “cool points” does knowing a pro wrestler’s real name deduct?) compete in the squared-circle (no, I don’t know how that term makes any sense at all) knows, the man who once played Thunderlips in Rocky III is a “Real American.” (He fights for the rights of every man)

Unfortunately, being a real American doesn’t make you a good host/sideline reporter. While Hogan still delights Hulkamaniacs around the globe by sporting his trademark blonde handlebar mustache and bandanna atop his bald dome, his attempts at interviewing contestants sound so scripted that I think the striking Writer’s Guild may have a beef with the show. It’s fairly obvious that Bob Costas would not make much of a professional wrestler, so I’m not sure why the Hulkster would be expected to be a talented reporter.

Of course, Hulk’s misgivings as an announcer would all be forgiven if he would just end every interview by telling the contender to says his-or-her prayers and take his-or-her vitamins.

Ridiculous names and gimmicks for the gladiators

Despite the fact that these events are (apparently) legit competitions, American Gladiators took a page from the former World Wrestling Federation’s book by attaching names and gimmicks to some of the gladiators. Granted, there are no evil clowns or angry dentists, but some of the characters come off as nothing more than delightfully stupid.

The most absurd of all these characters is a man who calls himself “Wolf.” Wolf sports a mane of wild brown hair, an abundance of facial hair, and insists on howling before and after his events. His look and actions are almost animal-like. It’s like he’s trying to come of as some sort of … coyote, or something.

Runner-up for the most incongruous name goes a woman who looks like the long, lost member of the von Trapp family, and whose favorite things include weight sets and dumbbells instead of raindrops on roses. For Gladiators’ purposes, despite the fact that her actual name seems to have no Norse connections, this woman is known as Hellga… You read no typo. Not only is this woman apparently a warrior of the Viking variety, but she also is evil enough that the depths of the underworld are actually spelled out in her name.


In other news…

I recently came across this link, http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html , which should be of great benefit to any potential (or current) parents out there. When in doubt, check the chart.

I have to think giving a State of the Union Address would be a huge confidence booster. Where else can you get ovations (often of the standing variety) after nearly every sentence you complete?

If you are viewing this via www.dereklarson.blogspot.com (sorry Facebook note readers, no luck for you) you may have noticed the new poll feature on the left side of the page. Take a look, vote (two votes at last tally… woohoo!), and let me know if you have any good ideas for poll questions in the future. I can always use the opinions of two different people for some good research.


Finally…

Obviously, there’s a huge game taking place in Bramlage Coliseum on Wednesday night. It’s not often that K-State attempts to break a 24-home-game losing streak against its in-state rival in a contest that features the No. 2 and No. 22 teams in the country (hard to believe, I know). The Wildcats are playing much better than they have in years, but defeating Kansas will still take quite an effort.

Can the Wildcats win? Absolutely.

Despite what national reporters may say concerning their infatuations with the Eric Gordons and Derrick Roses of the world, Michael Beasley is the best freshman (and probably best player) in the country. Disagree? Check the stats. It’s hard to argue with the No. 4 scorer and leading rebounder in the nation. Add Bill Walker into the mix (averaging 17 ppg in conference play) and you’re looking at one of the best forward combinations in the nation. The rest of the crew might not be names that strike fear in the hearts of many, but they comprise a team that has improved as much as a Guitar Hero player who discovered he’s been holding the controller upside-down.

Will the Wildcats win? … I don’t exactly have the most accurate record when it comes to written predictions. Then again, I've never tried including a hidden prediction (probably available to those reading at www.dereklarson.blogspot.com only)...

Let's Go Cats!

In case you are not aware, I exhibit some hermit-like tendencies. On a nice Saturday with nothing major to do, I've done exactly that - nothing major. Aside from a trip to a large chain store that may one day rule the world (hint: it rhymes with Ball-Cart), I've basically put a dent in my couch while watching college basketball. With K-State now opening Big 12 competition with a battle against the Oklahoma Sooners, there's even more hoops on the schedule.

My media coverage of D-1 basketball has been mostly limited to the women's game this season, and as a result I'm suffering a few symptoms of withdrawal when it comes to writing about the men's side. Therefore, I'm going to hit the highlights (or random points) of this game as I view it on my home theater (i.e., six-year-old TV).

Pregame- The starting lineups are shown, and Andre Gilbert remains in the starting lineup, despite the continual emergence of recent Wildcat addition Dominique Sutton. That's a situation that will probably change by the end of the month.

1st half
16:38- The Cats are up 10-9, thanks in part (we'll call it 50-percent) to five early points (five is 50-percent of 10... yes, I did go to a couple math contests as an elementary schooler) by Michael Beasley. Beasley is matching up against OU forward Blake Griffin, probably the second-best frosh in the conference, behind Beasley... Believe it or not, that storyline has already been mentioned a few times.

13:45- Shortly after checking in, Sutton scores his first two points of the game off a couple free throws to put the Cats up 15-12.

12:41- Luis Colon gets an offensive foul after throwing an elbow while posting up. If there was an event more likely to happen in this game than that one, I'm not sure what it would be.

9:50- The TV play-by-play announcer asks the rhetorical question "How good would (the Wildcats) be with (injured forward) David Hoskins?" Luckily, I've become accustomed to the "knife in the chest" feeling that has consistently followed this question the entire season.

9:10- OU's Longar Longar hits a pair of free throws to put the Sooners up 26-24. I get the feeling Dunder Mifflin's Michael Scott would have a hard time refraining from voicing his trademark, "That's what she said," saying if he were in Paul Splittorff's spot as the color announcer.

Minutes later - During a commercial break, I contemplate how entertaining an announcing team of Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute would be (Although it's not possible. They're fictional... and overqualified). Granted, the basketball IQ would be low, but I guarantee fans would learn a few facts about bears.

6:34- Beasley rebounds his own shot and scores, as the Sooners lead 30-29. What can I say, the kid is fun to watch. At least I'll probably have an NBA team to truly root for next year.

4:06- Beasley hits a baseline jumper to increase his point total to 13 and again pull the Wildcats within a point, 34-33... Meanwhile, I'm writing a letter to NBA commissioner David Stern petitioning the creation of a rule requiring college players to finish their eligibility at a school before being drafted.

2:14- K-State now leads 37-34, after six straight points by number 30. Finding the right balance between Beasley's scoring and the rest of the Wildcats will play a huge role in the conference season (sorry... that was my Madden-esque, obvious comment of the day).

1:02- Griffin zips right around Colon for an quick bucket... I shake my head.

Half- The Wildcats lead 42-40.
-- Flipping through channels at the half, I discover a news story about a man who wrecked his pickup. The story is obviously unfortunate, but it takes an interesting twist - He did not buckle himself into his seat belt, resulting in injury, but his 12-pack of beer was buckled in tight and secure in its seat (http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Quirks/2008/01/08/beer_wore_seatbelt_man_did_not/7287/) ... I guess life is all about priorities.

2nd half

18:45- Bill Walker sinks a 3-pointer to put the Cats up 45-44.

18:02- Walker hits another 3-pointer. If this were NBA Jam, the announcer would have just said, "He's heating up."

17:09- Beasley eclipses the 20-point mark after point guard Clent Stewart follows the "when in doubt, get it to Beasley" rule... It's a good rule.

16:12- Sutton picks off a pass like a seasoned NFL cornerback and draws the foul at the opposite end. K-State is up 51-48 after Sutton converts one-of-two free throws.

14:44- Freshman point guard Jacob Pullen connects with Beasley for a perfectly orchestrated alley-oop. Seems like a good momentum builder.

12:51- Seems like I was wrong, as Oklahoma finishes a quick six-point run to lead 57-55.

Commercial break - Can someone please alert the cows of the world that they're consistently spelling "chicken" wrong? I know the idea of talking to cows may seem absurd, but if they know enough to compose sentences, surely they can understand us. It's not "chikin," you fools!

12:16- Walker converts an and-one situation, and the Wildcats are back up 58-57... and I'm not making anymore predictions tonight.

11:40- With half a minute left on the shot clock, Darren Kent lofts a 3-pointer from the left wing that does not find its intended destination. It's at this point that I directly channel the sentiments of every other Wildcat fan watching the game. "What the...?"

10:45- 62-60 Wildcats, after another Beasley jumper.

9:39- Walker converts another bucket-and-foul combo.

9:00- Walker drives around Griffin and throws down a huge two-handed slam... I'd like to thank the Wildcat coaching staff for realizing the match up problems that could be created by playing Walker at the four-spot with Beasley at the five. K-State leads 67-62.

6:26- Griffin throws down a slam to give the Sooners a one-point lead. Beasley follows at the other end with a quick shot from the short corner... It would be pretty fun to see these two match up for three more years... Ahh, dreams.

5:01- A Blake Young 3-pointer is followed by a Tony Crocker 3 for OU... 72-72, Hello shootout.

3:32- Beasley absorbs contact in the lane, scores a bucket and hits the ensuing free throw. 75-74, Wildcats.

Under 3 minutes - This is nerve-wracking.

2:01- Walker converts again when fouled in the lane, but this time the free throw won't drop... I think that means Walker should stick around for another season... please.

2:00- Thank goodness Griffin can't hit free throws. The kid keeps getting to the line, but he's struggling... Nevertheless, this seems to be another Big 12 freshman that is quite a player.

1:09- HUGE 3-pointer by Oklahoma-native Clent Stewart to put K-State up 82-78. Sticking the open treys that result from double-teams down low will be a big key for Stewart the rest of the season (Mr. Obvious makes his inevitable return).

0:24- A Griffin steal and dunk ties the game. Stewart's pass at the top of the key was a bit weak, and Griffin took full advantage.

Did I mention the wracked state of my nerves at this point? I had a press row seat for the K-State-OU game a few years ago when former-Sooner Drew Lavender went coast-to-coast and sank the Wildcats with a buzzer-beater. Such a memory is filed under "Good, Not."

I have a pretty good guess as to who would get the final shot... but that's just me.

0:00- A penetrating Pullen draws the defense in, and he finds an open (huh?) Beasley underneath the basket for the final deuce. OU's last-second heave misses the mark.

Hello victory. The Wildcats open Big 12 Conference play 1-0 with a road win. Such a victory could be pretty big for a K-State team that needs to get as many quality wins as it can in league play to increase its chances at the NCAA Tournament.

I also appreciate the fact that I didn't spend time during the game taking all these notes only to be frustrated with the result. Such would not be something I'd deem as an "enjoyable venture."

The basic formula the Cats used tonight (strong efforts from Beasley (32 points, 11 rebounds) and Walker (22 points)) will be essential to success in the Big 12, but the Wildcats will need to improve their effort on the glass (out-rebounded 30-26).

Overall, you're looking at a very encouraging win for K-State, and something good to build off with a match up against the no. 10 Texas A&M Aggies looming next Saturday... Something tells me you may read about this team in this space again.

Looking Back and Glancing Ahead

I apologize.

Apparently I misinterpreted this whole “Television Writers’ Strike.” It applies to individuals who get paid to write scripts, jokes, etc., for television shows… not people who write as a hobby about things they see on TV (this explains why my picketing in Manhattan, Kansas has been such a lonely affair). As a result, I’ve been slacking on updating this reservoir for carefully crafted written works (translation: blog). Because of this, the public (one person) has been in an uproar (slight sense of disapproval).

Well, the new year has arrived and with it comes a resolution: I will heed the demands (suggestions in passing) of the greater public (again, one person), and compose more exemplifications of self-expression via the written word (pointless, rambling things filled with inside jokes that may not entertain anyone but myself) than I have been.

How serious am I about this resolution? I’ve downgraded my Netflix account to one movie at-a-time in order to allow more opportunities to write (… pausing to allow situation-appropriate gasps and possible fainting spells…). That’s right, I’m sacrificing an opportunity to see feature films (some of which are distinctly putrid... right Pick of Destiny?) that will be around forever in order to hone my ability to concoct prose.

In effort to assist in the strenuous task of thinking of subjects to write about (a process that often consists of turning on the television (I’ve got sensitive thumbs)), I’m now also taking requests for topics. To start things off, I’ve conducted an in-depth study and discovered that my readership insists on a recap of 2007 and a look ahead at 2008 (the aforementioned “one person” suggested the idea, again in passing).

Without further ado, here’s 2007 in review (that’s right, 2008 Derek will not be constricted by a fear of rhyming; he’ll embrace it)…

January 2007-
On my 25-year journey to becoming the person I am on this very day, I entertained many ideas as to what profession I might one day pursue. Would I be a taxi driver? An archaeologist? A professional baseball player? The possibilities were endless. Possibilities never considered by young Derek were anything that involved frozen water (figure skater, ice hockey player, ice fisherman, Vanilla Ice backup dancer) and I showed why on a fateful (clumsy) January day.

Walking into work, a slip on the ice brought about one immediate thought. No, it wasn’t, “Ouch, my wrist.” As I scrambled back to my feet, the most pressing thought in my mind was, “Wow, I hope no one saw that.” Luckily for my short-term pride, no one did, but increasing discomfort in the scaphoid (fancy name for one of the bones in the wrist) near my right hand brought about worries and ultimately a trip to the doctor. With the ensuing x-rays, cast application, and weeks of attempting to live left-handed, the question that always remained was, “Oh, what happened?” Unfortunately, the answer was always “Well, I have the balance of a cross-eyed pirate who’s had too much rum, misplaced his wooden leg, and now must maneuver across a sopping poop deck.”

Stupid ice.

February 2007-
Please be patient while I channel my inner James Lipton (or a written knock-off of Will Ferrell’s impersonation)…

The entire world stopped and applauded as Eddie Murphy’s film Norbit hit theaters and declared box office supremacy. Norbit used a COMPLETELY ORIGINAL story element that involved a comedian dressing up as a very fat woman. The result: comedic gold.

March 2007-
The annual “This Is Why You Don’t Bet On Games/Take That, Derek’s Bracket” game happened in just the second round of the NCAA Tournament when USC topped freshman phenom Kevin Durant and crew. Seeing the final score of that game left me feeling like a depressed Ron Burgandy walking the sunny streets of San Diego with a carton of milk. “Texas was a bad choice.”

April 2007-
Diego Gasques won the 7th edition of Big Brother Brasil (thanks, Wikipedia)… Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything.

May 2007-
I ended my residence at one of the most ramshackled excuses for an apartment that I’ve ever been witness to. In my time there, my ceiling leaked, bugs roamed as if it was their natural habitat, and my sidewalk and driveway were never scooped of their snow and ice once (please note: I’m normally capable of shoveling such snow, but there was the whole broken wrist issue). Despite all these issues and complaints, upon moving out I was penalized an outlandish amount of money for things like having dust on the blinds and not cleaning an oven that happened to be caked in preposterous amounts of char when I moved in.

In case you’re wondering, that landlord did not receive a Christmas card.

June 2007-
The Kansas City Royals put together their first winning month since 2003, while pitcher Brian Bannister won the American League Rookie of the Month award. You didn’t think I could write review piece without mentioning the Royals, did you?

July 2007-
It was hot… Apparently so hot that I couldn’t think.

August 2007-
The Kansas City Chiefs started preseason play and scored a total of 10 points against a Miami Dolphins team that would flirt with a 0-16 regular season record. Who says preseason games don’t tell you anything?

September 2007-
The world of professional football continued to turn against Derek Larson, as the Chiefs opened the season 0-2 (scoring 13 total points in the process) and all [number omitted in effort to maintain dignity] of his fantasy teams suffered from injuries, inept performances, or both.

October 2007-
Following suit, college football began its turn against me, as K-State dropped games to Kansas and Oklahoma State. Because the Orange Bowl is on the television in front of me as I write this, I refuse to discuss any further outcomes of the college football season.

November 2007-
Michael Beasley made his debut in what is destined to be an abbreviated collegiate career. The prospects of a 30-point, 20-rebound effort seemed like a supernatural effort to Wildcat fans the previous March, but Beasley accomplished the effort in his first regular season game… The phrase “special player” comes to mind.

December 2007-
Bringing events of the year full-circle, my nemesis, Ice, returned and this time attacked in full force. Ice blanketed much of the state, and put many folks without electricity for several days. I was only without power for seven hours, but I may have been developing Cabin Fever by the end of it.


Ice may have gotten the best of me in 2007, but 2008 will be different. In fact, I’m going to request that anyone reading this immediately run to the nearest freezer, remove some ice cubes and put them in the microwave for two minutes…. Now who’s laughing, Ice?

Aside from my all-out battle against the forces of all 14-known solid phases of water (again, Wikipedia… anyone can edit it, so you know it’s accurate), what else will 2008 bring?

The TV Writers’ strike will end when a network airs a new reality show called Who Needs Writers? on which random folks try to act in a television show without a script. The resulting clueless stares on the faces of the actors will seem funny at first, but will wear on viewers after the first 40 minutes without dialogue.

I will pick KU to lose within the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament (this receives the ‘DL Guarantee’).

The Kansas City Chiefs will use their top-10 draft pick on a defensive lineman that has size and plenty of “potential” but will never pan out and will be off the team in three years (please be wrong).

The Kansas City Royals will show marked improvement and will compete for third place in a strong American League Central division (the third time predicting this has to be a charm, right?).

My calls for the short lived TV series 3 South to return to television or at least be put on DVD will continue to be ignored.

A young actress/musician will be arrested for something drug/alcohol related and the media will treat it as if it’s an unprecedented situation (quite a stretch, I know).

I will struggle to think of ideas of things to write about and will need inspiration. Send me ideas.

Exciting, unforeseen events will occur, and great things will happen… Who do I look like, Miss Cleo?

And finally, the population of the public (one person) that demands so much of me (makes passing comments) will double by the end of the year… How’s that for positive thinking?

(Insert Title Here)

It has been nearly a month since I have entered any text in this electronic medium designated for that very purpose. The sad thing is, I'm not exactly brimming with mind-blowing ideas for this space tonight. As a result, what follows is a completely original idea - random thoughts and observations put into readable word as I sit in front of the television (that's surely never been done before, has it?).

Telemundo - Your one-stop shop for cheesy mustaches
I'm not sure that requires any further explanation... Just a straight fact.

Pet Peeve - Text and Instant Messaging Lingo (note: Try to find some additional nuisances to Derek Larson in the following paragraph. Be sure your eye is keen... they're hidden very well)
"OMG"
"LOL"
"JK"
"Where r u?"
I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that, as someone who pretends to be a writer now and then, I think the above phrases are making a mockery of are language and leading to a future where business letters are written as if they were a 15-year-old's text message about Hillary Duff (I obviously have no clue about what kids are into these days... Is Coolio still cool?). Is it so hard to to type full words? I guess those few seconds it would take to type four extra letters are probably better spent yapping on a phone in every conceivable public setting, or walking through doors and then letting them slam in the faces of those behind you.
To further blow this entire issue out of proportion, I would also like to dig deeper into the nature of "LOL." For those of you who find such a combination of letters foreign (lucky folks), it stands for Laughing Out Loud. I'm concerned with this abbreviation not just due to the laziness of shortening the phrase into a 21st Century cliche, but also due to the fact that I think it's breeding dishonesty. I have reason to believe that a great amount of people use "LOL" for situations other than when a spark of hilarity strikes them in such a fashion as to prompt a vocalization of laughter. In fact, I believe "LOL" has been used even in cases that warrant a simple polite smile.
I don't ask for much when it comes to this issue... all I request is that "LOL" be banished and people fully describe their reactions in events that would previously have drawn the "LOL" response. Suppose a friend makes a comment that isn't nearly as funny as they think and you just want to move on, but you know they're looking for a response from you. Instead of igniting the flames of dishonestly with "LOL," you simply type "smiling uneasily while trying to think of a way to change the subject." I think it makes perfect sense.

Concerning the sports world...
Football (K-State, Kansas City, fantasy, and all other forms) - Ugh... Any season in which K-State is struggling to be bowl eligible, KU is a national title contender, Kansas City can be ruled out of games in which the opponent scores in double-digits and my fantasy teams win as often as an arithmetically challenged individual in blackjack is a football season that results in borderline depression in my world.
Basketball - This has been discussed in this space before, but Michael Beasley is good... Very good... Potential No. 1 draft pick good. Current concerns about his "supporting cast" will be noted, but I think will be resolved shortly. It's only natural that the meshing of several new players and a new coach might take some time. It seems that the Wildcats have been playing to the level of their competition thus far. Granted, the true test of that will come this week in Orlando, but look for K-State to make some noise while in Mickey Mouse's neighborhood.
Baseball - The Royals have been mentioned as a player in the Torii Hunter sweepstakes. Granted, I wouldn't bet my bottom dollar (partially because I don't know exactly what that phrase is referring to) that he ends up patrolling centerfield in Kauffman Stadium, but the simple fact that they're even considered an option for a top free agent like Hunter means they're climbing out of the pit I like to call the Neifi-zone.

Final note
The world is officially going insane - http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22761386-2,00.html.
Taking away an icon's long-standing signature phrase because it bears similarities to some current American slang seems far beyond absurd. On top of that, I've never found Santa Claus to be "funny ha-ha," anyway.