Ode to the Drunk Sitting Behind Me

It's game day at Arrowhead Stadium,
The game clock has just started to crawl;
Unfortunately the guy sitting behind me,
Has consumed absurd amounts of alcohol.

K-State stands on our side, Iowa State on the other,
Meanwhile, we're up in the top stadium deck;
There's no chance someone on the field could hear your "quips,"
Nevertheless, you decide to check.

Your taunts of the Cyclones are insufferable,
Your mouth is where lame, slurred comments are born;
I understand the opposing squad is from Iowa,
But please don't tell them to "G'eat some hot corn."

I'm not sure how many beers you've consumed,
Nor the number of brain cells you now lack;
But, it's hard to pass much respect your way,
When you fall forward over my seat and onto my back.

I help you back up, you mumble something incoherent,
It's quite a relationship that we maintain;
I don't recall any bonding, or singing of "Lean on Me,"
But with your level of inebriation, you'd probably forget the refrain.

Apologies are passed on by your family,
But, oddly, the booze continues to flow;
Seems that those truly apologetic,
Would either cut you off or tell you to go.

How can I tell that you're still drinking?
How do I know that on a liquid diet you continue to dine?
Perhaps it's a gift, a sixth sense, if you will,
That, or I feel the suds just spilled down my spine.

More apologies are given, a "free ride" is mentioned,
I'm not really sure what that means;
I just know my shirt smells a lot like a brew now,
Sitting in front of you? It was "Bad Idea Jeans."

The game is a tight one. It's down to the wire,
I could live without you hitting me as you clap and cheer;
The 'cats won by one, so I'll try not to complain,
Your celebration? Probably more beer.

Ode to Employees at the Local Consumer Electronics Retailer

I apologize in advance... It seems I am really into celebrating National Poetry Month this year.


Ode to Employees at the Local Consumer Electronics Retailer

I walk through the doors, and you're there to greet me,
That courtesy welcome is fine;
But then at the DVDs, another of you will meet me,
As if he were second in line.

I wave off all help. I say I'm "just looking,"
And, honestly, that much is true;
But three steps later another clerk thinks a sale is cooking,
And I wonder why you can't take a clue.

As I browse video games, another Blue Shirt attacks,
This one tries to start small talk;
Yes, I like playing games. That's why I'm checking out this rack,
What I don't like are salesfolk who stalk.

I'm an adult. If I need help, I'll ask,
I consider it my duty as a consumer;
In the mean time, relax. Try to find another task,
Instead of hanging off me like a tumor.

I feel like sprinting away. Your approach I am fearing,
Because everywhere there's blue-shaded interrogation;
Maybe, like Elaine Benes, I should pretend I'm hard of hearing.
Or just sign you all up for treatments of sedation.

At long last, I'm at checkout. I found items to buy,
Relying on nothing but my casual consumer form.
Don't worry, Blue Shirts, when I return you can again try,
To secure my patronage with a tactical swarm.

What rhymes with Ichiro?

Well, after submitting a poem about The Office in a call for content on Associated Content, I'm feel like keeping this whole "thinking in verse" thing going. (Seriously, the rhymes are flowing.) The question is, what can I spit some rhymes* about? (Most likely a topic without much clout.) Faithful readers will attest that my baseball fanaticism may be taken further than it should be. (Faithful readers? That may be just me.) They'll also tell you that I enjoy making horrendous predictions that don't have a Hershey's-at-fat-camp chance of coming true. (If by this you're offended, please don't sue.) Stir all these details in a pot and you get the inaugural edition of "The Writings Opening Day Poetry Jam"... I mean it. (Anybody want a peanut?)**

*Note to self: The phrase "spit some rhymes" may work well for rappers making millions of dollars, but it doesn't quite fit for a mid-western writer whose stanzas rival those submitted in 10th-grade English classes. Drop it.

**Thank you to the genius writers of The Princess Bride for this last rhyme, along with the general premise of that entire paragraph. Sorry to those same genius writers for butchering their shtick.


National League East
Meet the Mets, Meet the Mets,
It's guaranteed someone will defeat Mets;
They choked away divisional leads each of the last two seasons,
They addressed their bullpen in the offseason, thinking relievers were the reasons.
I apologize to those in Queens, but this is how I call it,
The fellas in Philly will win it again, despite your enormous wallet.
Alas, Met fans, don't go thinking that your poor franchise is cursed,
You'll make the playoffs as the Wild Card, giving you a few more games before your bubble bursts.

National League Central
It seems that last year, for no good reason,
I picked against the Cubs;
I wrote them off and picked the Astros,
basically considering the Cubbies schlubs.
2009 is a new year,
a time for setting things right;
This season, the Cubs are my pick in the Central,
instead of choosing someone else out of spite.
Fueled by Soriano, their lineup is strong,
And their pitching staff can turn a few heads;
However the main reason I picked them,
is because I could not convince myself to pick the Reds.

National League West
"Manny being Manny." Wow, that refrain will never stop,
I can't stand he or the Dodgers, so I hope they're a flop.
The Rockies dumped their best player, and the Giants' lineup is a joke,
The Padres remind me of a AAA squad, (I could also cite some Royals' teams whose memories they evoke)
Just one team remains, and it's one that won't make traffic halt,
Arizona wins by two sweet words, as Homer Simpson would say "de fault."

American League East
If you're a bird in the AL East, you're pretty much out of luck,
The Blue Jays and Orioles stand no chance, some might say they're... in trouble*
The Rays, the Yankees, and the Sox, which one will it be?
Here's a vote for the Red Sox to take it, with the Rays getting the Wild Card seed.
But what about the Yankees, and their personal stimulus plan?
They'll serve as models for the rest of the league, in determining which stimulants to ban.

*This edit brought to you by the Censor's Association of America.

American League Central
The Royals... No, I can't.
The Royals... Wait, I won't.
Unbridled optimism tells me to pick them,
but the fact that I'm horrible with predictions tells me "don't!"
They have a legitimate shot,
there's no standout in the group,
but I fear that the moment I pick them,
to unbelievable depths they'll stoop.
Injuries could strike, the pitching could falter,
Alex Gordon could get the bird flu,
What the heck, who am I trying to kid by picking anyone different?
KC wins the division by two.

American League West
Nothing much here, the Angels will win,
you see, the rest of the division is McLovin thin.
There's really not much else to say, though there's space to fill,
I thought about attempting to rhyme "Ichiro," but that seems to be an unclimbable hill.

Playoffs
Eight teams will have a chance at the World Series,
but only two will succeed,
We'll begin by eliminating the Diamondbacks,
They have a few too many areas of need.
Alas, the Royals don't make the cut,
So they're crossed off the list,
You can also say goodbye to the Angels,
although Danny Glover will be missed.
I don't see the Phillies making a return,
so that cuts us down to four,
Cubs vs. Mets and Red Sox vs. Rays,
what do the league championships have in store?
The young Rays are a year older and wiser,
they'll drop the Red Sox in six;
Meanwhile the Cubbies will finally return to the Series,
causing much joy near ivy covered bricks.
The Rays were part of Major League expansion,
just 11 years ago;
While the Chicago club has seen three different centuries and 27 presidents,
and enough bad luck to make the Washington Generals say "whoa."
Is this the year? Could this be it?
Will the Cubs finally be champs again?
Not if Upton, Longoria and crew have their say,
Look for the Rays to win.