Best. Movie. Ever.

I have seen the finest the world of film has to offer. It's name?

Dinocroc vs. Supergator.

This Syfy original contains all the wooden acting, horrible CGI, and lame attempts at drama that one person could handle. For a guy that takes great joy in watching the worst of the worst in the world of movies, this one provides just what I'm looking for. Need a taste? On a tropical island, a photographer character just engaged in an improptu photo session with two busty blonde bimbos. Three clicks of his camera later, one of the beasts for whom the film is title leaped out of the stream he was conveniently standing next to and devoured him whole. Naturally, the two blondes had the expected "look at each other and scream and then run away screaming even more," though their stale acting kind of made it seem like they were running to get a free Girls Gone Wild t-shirt. Minutes later, the sequence ended when - again as expected - one of them tripped and was soon torn in half*. Naturally, instead of running away while her friend was food for a fictional beast, the other lady stood watching and screaming. She was soon dessert.

*The description is a very loose fit, as the horrible CGI illustration made the whole thing look a bit like something out of a remedial Photoshop class.

 A couple other things that make this movie great:

- A character called "The Cajun" that has no semblance of a Cajun accent.

- A scent where a giant gator, running on its hind legs, is chasing a jeep, and a woman watching from afar says "Is that it?" Who knew it would be so hard to identify a supergator?

Simply put, this film should win every award ever rewarded. Even those that have nothing to do with movies. It is that remarkable and you must see it.

... Now I just have to figure out how to tell the difference between Dinocroc and Supergator.

Things I Don't Understand: Twilight

I just saw a Burger King commercial* where a group 20-something girls accosted customers about characters in the Twilight series. Their questions were rambling, annoying, and pointless. Thankfully, at the end of the ad, they asked an elderly gent if he'd rather his granddaughters date vampires or werewolves. His answer? Neither. Another great example of the true wisdom of The Greatest Generation.

*I do things other than watch television, I promise. I work. I read. I write. I even encounter other real people from time to time, I swear.

I've never actually bothered reading or watching anything related to Twilight, but s best I can tell, the popular Twilight book and now movie series focuses mainly on crafting some sappy love story around vampires and werewolves. The concept is so popular that some folks (mainly females with no jobs) are waiting in line for days to be the first to see the next movie in the series. They're treating the film with the palest actors you'll ever see like it's actually a movie that features better acting that a cardboard cutout could provide. Silly people.

The main thing I don't understand about America's obsession with Twilight is how there could suddenly be such a torrid love affair with vampires. After all, The Count from Sesame Street and Count Chocula have been around for years, yet they've never received such attention. How is it that The Count has never been featured in film? You're telling me he couldn't have improved 2 Fast 2 Furious?

Somebody get his agent (naturally, Super Grover) on the phone.

Lessons Learned

I started thinking about movies today, and I'm not really sure why... I take that back, I was at work, so it was only natural that I attempted to think of something else. That seems to be the way the human mind operates. Anyway, with movies on my mind, I'm now thinking of what movies really mean. (Deep, I know.) Every good story has an underlying theme. For example, 12 Angry Men shows that one person can make a difference, if he sticks to what he believes. I think it's time to dig those themes up and find out what the movies we watch everyday really mean.

American Psycho - If your friend continually talks about returning some video tapes, it may be time to find a new friend.

Back to the Future trilogy - Many of your relatives, both in the past and the future, look so much like you that you could be their exact duplicates with just a little bit of makeup.

The Bourne Identity - Don't mess with amnesiacs.

The Bourne Supremacy - Seriously, don't mess with amnesiacs.

The Bourne Ultimatum - Don't say you haven't been warned.

Cast Away - You're never alone if you have a volleyball.

The Dark Knight - If someone asks you if you want to see a pencil trick, run the other way.

Field of Dreams - If you build it, you get to hang out with the voice of Darth Vader.

Forrest Gump - If you're running from kids on bikes with braces on your legs, your legs will break free of the constrictions and will somehow morph into those of a 24-year-old world-class sprinter. Fortune and fame will follow.

From Justin to Kelly - People will pay to see anything if there's a
bucket of popcorn floating in buttery-flavored goo involved.

The Fugitive - U.S. Marshalls are quick-witted and hilarious.

Gladiator - Falling in love with your sister is creepy. Oh, and a wronged honorable general always gets redemption.

The Godfather Parts I and II - Never go against the family...

The Godfather Part III - ...unless they're watching Part III. Then you can go against them all you want.

The Goonies - If it's wet, it's water.

Jurassic Park - If you're ever running from a tyrannosaurus rex in a
rainstorm, don't go hide atop a toilet. If that rest shelter collapses,
you're going to look pretty foolish right before you're shaken like a
chew toy and then consumed.

King Kong - Beauty can kill a beast... Particularly if an attacking airplane is named "Beauty."

The Lord of the Rings trilogy - Those that are small can accomplish big things... Wait, did I get this confused with Rudy?... Let's try this again...

The Lord of the Rings trilogy - If you walk-on to a famed college football team, work hard in practices for years, and then get a sack in your first (and last) collegiate game, you're fit to help your pal take throw a powerful ring into the depths of Mount Doom.

The Matrix trilogy - I have no clue. Really. What the heck did that last movie mean? It was supposed to answer questions. My head hurts just thinking of how my head hurt when I left the theater.

Mission: Impossible - Never accept gum from someone you don't know. You could end up with an exploding headache.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - It's all fun and games until somebody gets a lobotomy.

The Patriot - Good Mel Gibson attacks with a hatchet and leaves British soldiers fearing for their lives. Boring Mel Gibson reads Helen Hunt's thoughts.

Spiderman - Chicks dig arachnids.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - In New York, if you're dressed like Humphrey Bogart, no one will bother noticing that you are actually a giant turtle sporting a colorful bandanna.

The Wizard of Oz - There's no place like home... even if home is devoid of color.