Things you should know - Late October Sports Edition

A fair chunk of the regular readers of The Writings have little more than a passing interest in sports. This is a fact I'm aware of, but one I seem to regularly ignore. Instead of giving readers what they're really hoping for (embarrassing tales from my life), I'll post rambling entries about sports teams and athletes in whom my readers have as much interest as they do in the current whereabouts of the cast of "Perfect Strangers." With the World Series upon us, football season in mid-play, and basketball season tipping off, the sports-oriented writing probably will not end anytime soon. I will, however, at least make an effort to present helpful knowledge that the reader could use in everyday conversation. I do occasionally pretend to be a "professional" sports journalist, after all. Consider the following things you should know...


BASEBALL

This World Series will end a drought
The San Francisco Giants have not won a World Series since 1954 and the franchise was located in New York back then. The Texas Rangers, on the other hand, have never appeared in a World Series; not even in their previous life as the Washington Senators. Thus, whoever wins the seven-game series will making history, quenching the thirst for a championship in either San Francisco or Arlington. Why should you care? Mainly because this proves to you that two teams have longer championship droughts than the Kansas City Royals, whose Writings you tolerate with such patience.

The beard-fearing trend has caught on
Last basketball season, the simple notion of fearing one whose face featured whiskers went mainstream* thanks to a Kansas State guard with a silky shot and a hairy chin. This fall, the phrase "Fear the Beard" has made another splash, earning the approval of all in San Francisco thanks to relief pitcher Brian Wilson. Wilson (the non-Beach Boy version) led the majors with 48 saves in 2010 and sports a beard that resembles, in uncanny manner, the fake one actor Matthew Fox wore in Lost.

*Should Pullen really receive all the credit for beard fearing trends? After all, haven't mall Santa's been terrifying children for decades? There's probably credence to the idea of giving Saint Nick some credit, but Santa won't be shooting 3-pointers in Bramlage Coliseum this season. Excellent work, Jake.

This World Series will feature some excellent pitching
It all starts tonight. By the time you read this, one team will probably lead the series 1-0. Most likely, the winner will have received a strong pitching performance from its Game 1 starter. The game features the Rangers' Cliff Lee - the 32-year-old who was demoted to the minors for poor performance as recently as 2007, but followed by winning the Cy Young Award for the league's best pitcher in 2008 - and the Giants' Tim Lincecum - a 26-year-old who won the National League Cy Young Award in 2008 and 2009 and also wears his hair like a teenage girl. Odds are strong that pitching will be as vital to this series as cultural differences were to the scripts of every "Perfect Strangers" episode.*

*I've posted a great number of Writings and never once referred to the show that gave the world the gift of Balki Bartokomous. You didn't think I could only take one bite once I opened the "Perfect Strangers" wrapper, did you?


Football

The rushing attack of the Kansas City Chiefs is the best in football
The Chiefs currently lead the NFL in rushing, averaging 176.5 rushing yards per game. Running backs Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones rank 13th and 16th, respectively, in individual rushing. Is this really a big deal just six games into the season? Perhaps it is. Perhaps it will prove to be as relevant to the season as the fact that one day in high school I ate an entire box of powdered donuts in one sitting. (There's your embarrassing tale of the author's life. Happy?) Because I've never shown much prowess in the area of seeing the future, I really have no idea how things will end for the Chiefs. I just know it's nice to be back to the point where there is some sort of reason for optimism.

Brett Favre will never go away
For years now, there's been great "drama" (translation: 24-hour coverage by major sports networks because pitchmen for Wranglers are apparently more important than actual sporting events) surrounding the "will he retire?" storyline with Mr. Favre. The story is blown up like a Macy's balloon every year, despite the fact that Favre has never actually missed a game due to a "retirement." Now that the season is midway through and we can't focus on possible retirement (and poor play keeps the media from having the opportunity to declare him the savior for all humanity), the Favre filler has revolved around another subject. I believe this is what one might call a lose-lose-lose situation. First off, it involves Favre. (Loss.) Next, it means journalists everywhere are having to write stories on the subject of Mr. Favre's bikini area. (Loss.) The fact that so many outlets are covering it also seems to convey the fact that the general public is interested in the story. (Loss for all of humanity.)


Basketball

Everything you hear about LeBron James and the Miami Heat is wrong
Ever since LeBron James announced he would sign with the Miami Heat this summer, the NBA squad has been more popular in South Beach than Don Johnson and the musical stylings of Will Smith combined.* There are folks that think the Heat - with James plus all-stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh - will set new record for victories in an NBA season. They won't. There are folks that claim that James is some sort of demonic spawn of underworldly origin because of the way he deserted Cleveland. He's not. Personally, I didn't agree with the way James gave the Ohio city a figurative middle-finger by announcing he was signing with a different team on a national television special, but I also don't feel the decision should have him treated as if he's Satan's step-brother. The Heat will be a strong team this year, and they'll be a fun one for many to root against. Just know that they won't dominate in the same fashion that Teen Wolf's team did and be aware that James will not, at any point in the season, grow horns or cloven hooves.

*Is it clear that I've never been to Miami and can only base knowledge of the city on events from pop culture?

The K-State basketball season starts on Nov. 2
Sure, it's a preseason game against a school seemingly named after a "Seinfeld" character, but such details should not hinder enthusiasm. The Wildcats enter the season with national expectations higher than I might have ever imagined. Season tickets are sold out, Jacob Pullen is widely viewed as one of the best guards in the nation, and there's a potential matchup with Duke - the nation's top team - looming less than one month away. No funny business here; this season should be a lot of fun.

Be ready.

Summer hoops, summer not

It's a Thursday night and I've already polished off the critically-acclaimed film "The Hurt Locker." (Verdict: Not bad, but it's no Highlander.) I'm now faced with hours left in my evening and nothing to fill them. Sure, I could do the dishes that are piling up in my sink or do some ironing, but it's a Thursday and that seems sacrilegious on such a day.* Besides, how could I do any sort of housework when I have the chance to watch a couple top draft picks, a collection of NBA hangers-on, and a whopping handful of guys that have as much chance on suiting up for an NBA squad next year as I do. It's the NBA Summer League and it's Faaaaaaantastic! On to the highlights...

*No, I have nothing to support such a claim. Nothing. (The Writings: Make less sense than usual since July 2010.)

- Cartier Martin, a member of The Writings' All-Time Favorites K-State Basketball team* has put together quite a game for the Washington Wizards' summer league squad. He has 23 points so far. No joke here, just some purple pride.

*Who makes up the five man roster? Thanks for not asking. (Note: I'm not exactly an old man. I don't remember K-State hoops prior to 1988 and this obviously sways the judging.)... G- Jacob Pullen; G- Askia Jones; F- Mitch Richmond; F- Cartier Martin; F- Michael Beasley

- The 2010 top pick in the NBA Draft - John Wall - is playing for the summer Wizards*. The kid is faster than most animals in the Serengeti, leaps like a spider monkey, and apparently skipped the ESPYs last night to show his devotion to the team... Hey, I skipped the ESPYs, too; where's my recognition?

*That name sounds like some horrible band that does nothing but Harry Potter tribute songs, no?

- The coach of Washington's squad is Sam Cassel. You probably know Sam for one of two things: 1. He won two NBA championships with the Houston Rockets in the 90s; 2. He kind of looks like an alien.

- The Dallas Mavericks' summer league roster features three guys I recognize and a load of players that may or may not be vacuum salesmen during the winter. Honestly, the rest of the team could very well be the cast of High School Musical and I wouldn't know any different. (Although if they broke into song after a missed layup I might grow suspicious.)

- The Washington roster also features a young big man by the name of JaVale McGee. Mr. McGee's mom played in the WNBA. Now, Mr. McGee's mom is being interviewed during this NBA summer league game shown only on NBATV. Am I wrong to think the crowd seeing her tonight is still bigger than any that saw her on television during her playing days?

- After the game, McGee says that his mom gives him tips of "things he didn't realize" after the games, like "go for the rebound." Being that he is an NBA player, let's hope JaVale realizes this one on his own before long.

I thought the real king was on those Burger King commercials...

The internet was abuzz today when, after much wait and speculation, basketball star LeBron James… joined Twitter.
Yes, you read that correctly. The biggest NBA free agent in years had reporters scrambling to type up stories all because he joined a social networking site. (As of 6:37 p.m. CT, Google News shows 1,731 articles related to the topic of his enlistment in the Twitter army.) I think a large headline reading “Slow News Day” would have been more worthwhile.

Whatever the case, LeBron is a tweeter. His account has beenverified by the good folks (or super-intelligent birds… think about it) at Twitter, so you know it’s really him.* Though he’s had a profile on the site for less than one Earth-day, he already has 150,000 followers. My assumption is that these 150,000+ folks signed up to follow Mr. James as quickly as they could, thinking that he might potentially announce the team he will sign with via that very medium. Thus, they’ll get the news 3.2 seconds faster than everyone else on Earth. Good for them.

*I’ve been on Twitter for awhile now. (@dereklarson… This ends my shameless plug.) Why haven’t they ever wanted to verify my
account? Are you telling me that there are not people out there that might want to pretend to be Derek Larson?**

**Yes. That is what you are saying.

One intriguing part of this whole “story” is James’ account name, which seems to embrace royal bloodlines. You can find his feed by
looking up @kingjames on Twitter. His first tweet was even “Hello World*, the Real King James is in the Building 'Finally'...”

*Am I the only one who wishes that he would have followed "Hello World" with "there's a song that we're singin'..."? (The Writings: Your one-stop resource for references to 1970s/80s television shows about singing families that ride around in technicolor buses.)

I hope you all realize the importance of LeBron's first tweet. If he's the "Real King James" that means he's the author of the King James Version of the bible and he's actually much older than the 25 listed on his nba.com player profile. Thank goodness he clear all of that up and put all of the poser King Jameses in their place. 

Few realize it, but I think his first tweet ever (to soon be etched into stone and preserved in the Smithsonian) actually spills the beans on his free agency destination. After all, there’s a certain team in Sacramento with a royal feel to it, and how can someone call himself a "Real King" if he doesn't play for said team?

Do what you need to do, LeBron. Sign with the Kings.*

*I’m looking for my Blog Approval Ratings to really skyrocket in northern California after this Writing.

The congrats they deserve

Congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers, your 2010 NBA Champions.

Sure, no one outside of L.A. likes you, and, sure, your top star has an ego so large it makes Donald Trump seem like Mother Teresa. Sure, your head coach even once wrote a book that basically conveyed the message that he couldn't stand the aforementioned start, but...

... but...

Well, I'll think of something nice about the Lakers to put here eventually... I hear Derek Fisher is a good guy.

The Finals Countdown

I'm a basketball fan.

I'm even a basketball fan that enjoys the NBA.

Examination of the aforementioned pair of sentences might lead one to think that I'm excited about the NBA Finals, which have just begun play this evening. Alas, such a conclusion should not be jumped to. If the series to decide the NBA's champion for the 2009-2010 season involved the Cavs, the Suns, or any of about 25 other NBA franchises, I'd be watching the games with great interest. Instead, we see the Lakers and the Celtics match up in a rematch of the 2008 finals.

Why don't I like the match up? Let's count 10 ways...

1. Kobe Bryant's ego.

2. Paul Pierce's alma mater.

3. Phil Jackson's hypocrisy.

4. Shannon Brown's hideous performance in the 2010 dunk contest.

5. Rasheed Wallace's attitude.

6. The fact that the "Laker" nickname makes no sense in Los Angeles.

7. The fact that Nate Robinson refuses to wear a leprechaun hadt while sitting on the bench.

8. Kobe Bryant (again)

9. The fact that the Grizzles gift-wrapped Pau Gasol for the Lakers, getting absolutely nothing in return for him.

10. The face that Celtic legend "Never Nervous" Pervis Ellison (average nearly 7 points per game in the 1994-1995 season) is in no way involved in this series.


Lousy basketball.

National LeBrasketball Association

There's a storm coming. A media storm.

In the past, I've used this space to complain how Brett Favre's retirement waffling (the likes of which made Eggo jealous) was over-hyped. I've hit on the topic of the media's infatuation with Tim Tebow (who currently has the top-selling jersey in the NFL... What about Chris Leak?). I've even discussed the absurdity of the continual obsession of programs that dissect which Hollywood starlet made an inebriated fool of herself this week. Alas, none of these topics are going to the summer of LeBron.

You have surely heard by now that NBA superstar LeBron James is going to be a free agent once the season ends. After all, media-type folks have been talking about the possibility of him jumping to a team like the New York Knicks for the past two years. For those unfamiliar with things such as sports free agency (you mean you're actually concerned with things that really matter in life? Interesting concept...), this just means that he'll be free to sign a new contract with any team he likes.

With Mr. James up for grabs, LeBronimania has already begun to set in. The mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg, has already begun recruiting for his area squads, the Knicks and the New Jersey Nets. Elsewhere, rumors are swirling that James wants to play with coach John Calipari, and that whichever NBA squad hires the coach will land the Association's Most Valuable Player.

The result of all of this is going to be months of "Where is he going?" speculation. If he's seen eating pizza, is it Chicago deep dish or New York-style? Is his iPod playing "Cleveland Rocks" or "Welcome to Miami"? Does he prefer Disneyland or Disney World? No detail will go unexamined in effort to figure out where the game's biggest icon will be playing next season, and every one of those details - no matter how minute - will be reported. For the next few months you will eat and drink LeBron. You will see him when you're sleeping and won't be able to avoid him while you're awake. When you order a Big Mac, you'll be asked if you'd like to predict LeBron's destination with that. The Summer of LeBron won't go away... and free agency doesn't even officially start until July 1. If you don't like it, you better find a martian cave with a large rock to hide under, and don't forget your earplugs.

I'm not saying that LeBron's impending decision should not be considered a major story. After all, he's the best player in the NBA. He's the best player to run up and down the hardwood since another No. 23 retired (the post-sixth championship second retirement, not the the post-"I'm old and look funny in a Wizards uniform" third retirement). Whichever team he signs a contract with will become an immediate title contender. It is big news.

... I'm just not sure I need to read about it in Cat Fancy.*

*Disclaimer: The author does not have a subscription to Cat Fancy, nor is he an avid reader of the aforementioned publication.

No. 6

The Kansas State Wildcats are ranked No. 6 in the nation by both the AP and the ESPN/USA Today Coaches' polls. Per pollspeak.com, no AP voter feels the Wildcats are any worse than the No. 10 team in the nation. K-State has performed well enough this season that their even being mentioned as a potential No. 1-seed in the NCAA Tournament.

All of these details are common knowledge to most Kansas State fans, but I had to type them as they're still kind of hard to believe. As detailed in previous Writings, I've seen a lot of bad basketball in the last 15 years. How far has this team come? How welcome is this return to national relevance? Let the following video serve as a little reminder of how cursed this team seemed for awhile.

A In-Depth Societal Study... Okay, A Look at Dunk Contests

I have been watching a lot of NBA slam dunk contests lately. Seriously, way too many of them. NBATV recently aired a marathon of dunk contests from the 80s through last season. Thanks to my DVR, I've watched far too many of such showcases over the past three days. How do I know I've watched too many? I feel strongly that some judges were crooked, I know who Terence Stansbury is, and I'm about to devote entirely too many words to describing some of the things I've seen. The 2010 contest was about as dissappointing as the finish of "The Matrix" trilogy*, so it's best we look back and do it as soon as we can. After all, what could provide a better avenue for analyzing society's trends. (Other than, you know, serious things.)

*Really, Shannon Brown? Your big idea of a dunk is catching an alley-oop? Someone reward this man's sense of innovation!


1987
We begin in 1987, which was a simpler time. Naturally, I mean it was simpler for the tailors who made NBA uniforms. Shorter shorts meant less thread, more efficiency and greater profits. Simple, right?

It seems that being a former (and unfunny) cast member of Saturday Night Live qualifies a person to judge dunks on a national stage.* How else did Joe Piscopo wind up behind the judges table. I doubt that imitating Frank Sinatra could somehow give a person an intricate knowledge of dunking difficulties.

*2010 equivalent of Piscopo: Colin Quinn. Would you accept him as a dunk contest judge?

Some guy name Michael Jordan ended up winning this contest*, but my favorite moments of this contest don't involve any of his actual dunks. It's all in the commentary. I probably should not get the joy I do out of hearing an announcer refer to an atop-the-backboard camera as the "slam-jam cam," but it gets me every single time. Apparently I'm a simple guy. I guess I belong in 1987.

*Yes, I think he made his name as a baseball player.


1994
Here we are seven years later. The legendary rhythms of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince fill Minneapolis' Target Center and the phrase "warm it up" is used on multiple occasions. Yes, 1994 was a magical time. This edition of the dunk contest really wasn't notable. I only mention it because at one point the camera panned to a 70-year-old woman who looked like she had gotten lost on the way to her bridge game. Luckily, she was embracing her role as a member of the dunk contest audience and holding up a sign with the number 10 for a dunk that definitely didn't deserve it. (Sorry, Robert Pack.)


1996
Brent Barry, who sports Macauley Caulkin's Home Alone haircut and wears his warmup jacket during the competition, throws one down after leaping from the foul-line. The obvious joke here is "I guess white men CAN jump." I respect you all far to much to try to get by with that one.

Jerry Stackhouse licked his forearm - usually a sign that the dunker is going to cup the ball against that same forearm - but then did nothing of the sort on his dunk attempt. Lesson: he must just be a messy eater.

One of the broadcasters just said the aforementioned Barry reminded him of Pistol Pete Maravich. Pistol was one of the most exciting players to ever grace the hardwood. Barry won this dunk contest and then... well... averaged 14 points per game for Seattle one year. That's exciting in the same way that eating ice chips is exciting.


1997
Darvin Ham, who once shattered a backboard during the NCAA tournament, throws down three of the top dunks of the night. Naturally, the judges give him a 36 and he doesn't escape the first round. I know there have been a lot of scandals in the sports world, but I really think this one should get more publicity. Darvin was robbed.

Kobe Bryant, at the age of 18, wins the contest. Cameras track Brandy in the crowd, as she had been his prom date the year before. Yes, the fact that Brandy was relevant helps you realize how long ago 1997 really was.


2000
We jump ahead thee years thanks to the fact that there were no NBA dunk contests in 1998 or 1999. I like to think that this was because the judges from the 1997 contest were forced to spend two years sitting silently in a corner thinking about what they had done after the Ham Fiasco.*

*Is it me, or does that sound like a new dish at Denny's?

Vince Carter dominates this competition, but Kenny Smith nearly spoils the event by repeating "Let's go home!" and "it's over!" so often that you begin to wonder if he's learning English from "Phrases to Get Your Significant Other to Leave the Buffet" educational tapes.

During the event, cameras pan to Michael Keaton on multiple occasions. Why? My best guess is that the cameraman was a stalker that was obsessed with the movie Multiplicity.


2001
According to the aforementioned Mr. Smith, former Vancouver Grizzly Stromile Swift is penalized on a dunk attempt because he didn't "bring enough funk." I don't know how many times I've made that same mistake.


2002
It's the year of horrible ideas for the dunk contest. Let's count them, shall we?
1. Rather than having all dunkers compete against each other in the first round, they spilt the competition into tournament-style match ups. Bad idea.
2. The commentary of the TNT broadcasting team - featuring Smith, Charles Barkley, Ernie Johnson, and Danny Ainge - is fed over the arena's loudspeakers for at least a portion of the contest. The leads to audio feedback, annoying echos, and an arena full of fans being subjected to Smith and Ainge with no "mute" option. Very bad idea.
3. Dunkers have to complete one dunk picked by a giant Wheel of Fortune (or Morality) wheel. This destroys the players' chances to be creative and eliminates Steve Francis, since he went bankrupt on a dunk that involved palming the ball, which he couldn't do. Even Barkley says the wheel is a stupid idea. Horrendous idea.

In other news, one of the judges is some guy named Internet. Weiird name.

There are courtesy laughs. There are horrendously fake laughs. Then there's the laugh Jason Richardson gives Craig Sager in response to a terrible joke about Barkley's golf game after Richardson's win. I almost felt bad for Sager. Then I thought of this. And this. And this.


2003
The NBA gets it right with the judges... finally. All seated at the judges table are former dunk champs. Not only does this leave the judging up to those who actually know the difficulty of such dunks, but it also gives Dee Brown something to do. Win-win.

From Kenny, "We need to get him a get well card; he's sick!" This was not a literal statement. You see, back in 2003 the word "sick" was often used as an alternative to the words "awesome" and "bee's knees."*

*The Writings: We're here to teach.


2005
We skip a year, not due to contest cancellation, but simply because the 2004 contest really wasn't that notable. Even the winner had a ho-hum name. (Sorry, Fred Jones.)

2005 was the year of The Birdman. Chris Andersen, who has seemingly played basketball in more locations than a certain globe-trotting team from Harlem, was one of four contest participants. The edited version of the contest is just 30 minutes long, but, thanks to Andersen, the uncut version lasts far longer. Andersen spent approximately three days trying to successfully complete his first-round attempts. His efforts resulted in more laughter than most

-----

Turns out that my DVR doesn't have as much space as I'd like. We don't go much further than 2005 thanks to the fact that I'm unwilling to erase any episodes of Lost or the K-State-Texas game from my DVR. Nonetheless, I'll leave you with one of the better dunk contests I've seen. (And, as we've learned, I've basically seen them all.) It doesn't top Jordan-Wilkins from 1988 or the Vinsanity show from 2000, but there are definitely a few dunks you should see if you have seven minutes to waste. (Particularly at the 4:57 mark.)

All Star Game 2008 - Slam Dunk Contest

A Few Things to Think About - K-State Basketball Edition

While eating lunch today, ESPN's SportsCenter* showed a graphic of the top ten teams in college basketball. There at No. 9 was Kansas State. The Wildcats have been ranked for weeks now. They've topped the then-No. 1 team in the nation. They were barely nipped by the current No. 1 team in a game so tight that frat guys might try to wear it as a t-shirt. They have continually proven that they deserve to be considered as one of the best in college basketball this season, yet I still sit stunned for a few seconds when I see "Kansas State" listed next to that No. 9. It's not that I feel this season has been any sort of fluke; to the contrary, I don't think the team is going anywhere but up next year. It's just that I've seen so many losses in Bramlage Coliseum that having the chance to view a fairly consistent winner is a shock to the system. It's like eating nothing but rancid Spam for 15 years and then winning the opportunity to eat at a top-flight steakhouse twice a week.

*I figured this show could use a bump from The Writings**. I hope it makes it.

**The Writings: We Don't Know the Meaning of Delusion.

How different are things surrounding K-State basketball? Consider:

- Kansas State has topped four ranked teams this season, including the Texas Longhorns while they were ranked No. 1. Four years ago, the Wildcats were 0-3 against ranked opponents.

- The Wildcats are currently ranked No. 9 in the nation. Five years ago they finished 10th in the Big 12. (Unfortunately, all of the nine teams ahead of the Cats that season were not ranked in the nation's top 10.)

- Six years ago, K-State won 14 games total. This season, the Wildcats won their 14th game on Jan. 12.

- Seven years ago, K-State averaged 7,157 in attendance per home game. In 2009-2010, the Wildcats are averaging 11,685 fans per home game. The difference (4,500+) is about the same as the population of neighboring Clay Center, Kan.

- This season, Kansas State outrebounds opponents by an average of 5.8 rebounds per game. Eight years ago, with stalwarts like Western Carolina and Farleigh Dickenson on the schedule, the Wildcats rebounding margin was -1.2.

- It's not uncommon to hear the PA announcer urge students to scoot together to make sure all in attendance can fit in the bleachers this season. Students line up in subfreezing temperature hours before game time to ensure they get decent seats. Nine years ago, my high school friends and I would show up 10 minutes before game time and mosey into the college student section to sit on the third row with my brother. We had ample room to stretch, do calisthenics, or take naps and - even though they usually brought out five or six pies - we were nearly always guaranteed a pizza thanks to a halftime promotion.

- Ten years ago, K-State's recruiting pipeline was Junction City High School; a team whose last state championship came in 1970. Now, the Wildcats are tapped into AAU's DC Assault, a team that has featured fomer Big 12 Player of the Year Michael Beasley, as well as current Wildcats Dominique Sutton, Jamar Samuels, Wally Judge and Rodney McGruder. No offense to Travis Reynolds and Quentin Buchanan, but DC may have the advantage here.


Is it shortsighted to celebrate a No. 9 ranking with seven games left on the schedule? Absolutely. As Frank Martin is quick to note: "You don't throw parades in (insert month that indicates the season is still in progress here)." There's a lot that could still happen this season; injuries, suspensions, plagues, or alien abductions. Nonetheless, having had a good taste of where this team has been, I'm going to the slight shock that comes with a national ranking each step of the way.

Writing of Doom

The Octagon of Doom.

It's a nickname for Kansas State University's Bramlage Coliseum that has suddenly gone mainstream. Much like the notion that Vin Diesel has discernable talent, no one is sure exactly where the nickname originated, but signs point to a K-State sports message board. Since Bramlage has taken a new national identity, it seems like now is a good time to examine the name and determine whether it is a good fit for the arena.

First, there's "Octagon." For those who don't appreciate geometry, an octagon is a polygon with eight sides. Bramlage is a coliseum with eight sides. Using fancy algebraic equations*, we know that 8=8. Therefore, we can deduce that the term "Octagon" is an appropriate one in this instance.

*I haven't taken a math class since high school. This is about as fancy as my equations get.

Next up, "of doom." In this case, the preposition "of" means "having" so for this phrasing to be accurate, we need to determine whether or not Bramlage has doom. The best way to figure this out is to compare Bramlage to something that we already know has doom; something like the temple from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Think about that temple. In it, a person some people fear and other despise tears out the hearts of innocents with a bare hand. Sounds a little bit like what Sherron Collins did the other night, no?

Prior to arriving at the temple, Indiana Jones and friends take part in a banquet that features extravagant dishes like monkey brain stew. Odds are that PETA's annual meeting wouldn't feature a catered meal with that dish. PETA also doesn't approve of the idea of live chickens being thrown onto the Bramlage Coliseum court.

In the Temple of Doom, Indy, his lady friend, and Short Round take a ride in a mine cart on a track that features more ups and downs than most rollercoasters. What do you know, this sounds like a bit of Saturday night's game, too. Standing in Bramlage, I was pretty convinced K-State had lost the game a few times. Then I was convinced they had won a few other times. Then I was pretty convinced Dominique Sutton should have been shooting a couple free throws to break a tie at the end of regulation. Then, after Collins hit his shot and was fouled (according to the refs) near the end of overtime, I was pretty convinced that I should push myself down the Bramlage steps... Sounds like a roller coaster to me. 

Outside the Temple of Doom, folks think they're safe, but then a bridge collapses and those who previously felt comfort in the fact that they were supported by a bridge were eaten by vicious crocodiles. Outside Bramlage, folks who leave the arena get to the comfort of their cars in the parking lot, only to soon discover that the parking lot empties so slowly that they may not see an actual road for another 40 minutes. By that time, one might be wishing they'd been eaten by starving, razor-toothed reptiles.

Heart removal, animals, roller coasters and situations that make a person wish for an end to suffering... It seems that "of doom" is an accurate description for The Octagon.

Octagon, check.

Of Doom, check.

Yup, the name fits.

What They're Saying - Basketball Announcer Edition

I enjoy watching basketball. Those close to me realize that statement is akin to saying "as a child, my head was too large for my body and I'm still working on growing into it," or "I have the balance of a one-legged yak." In other words, it states the blatantly obvious. Unfortunately, there's one thing that can foul up a televised basketball game pretty quickly. No, I'm not talking about an appearance by Drew Gooden (though that doesn't help). No, I'm referring to shoddy game commentary. Though one might think it would be difficult to clib the media ranks to the point that your calling a nationally televised game, a number of announcers seem to do their best to make it seem like all you need for the profession is the ability to put together complete sentences now and then.*

*Unfortunately, this requirement eliminates me from applicants for this job pool. I'm fairly confident that if I were tasked with speaking on live television, my "commentary" would consist of continually repeating the word "ball" and maybe occasionally saying "OOOOOOOHHHHHH" in surprised manner.

With that in mind, it's time to introduce the inaugural installment of What They're Saying - a look at the drivel passed off as worthwhile commentary.

"I've never heard an arena this loud."
The sports announcing equivalent to "You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen." Rarely is it an hoest assessment and certain folks use it all the time.

"I've always thought that what you want to do on your opening possession is give yourself a good chance to score."
Insightful. I've always thought that scoring helps a team win basketball games. Where's my check?

"X takes it to the hoop."
"X goes to the basket."
X is short for Xavier- a player's first name in this instance. Please, Mr. Musburger, I find it difficult to believe you're in Xavier's five. With that in mind, it might be time to ditch the nicknames.

... This series will be continued in the future. Alas, while I do enjoy watching basketball, there is one thing that can foul up the broadcast even worse than shoddy announcing. It involves a certain team to the east grabbing a big lead. I can't watch this.

Hooked 'em

Though a former president (or at least his SNL portrayl) warned against it many times, on Monday night the K-State Wildcats messed with Texas. With a national audience and an arena packed so full that students were standing in the aisles, the Wildcats out-hustled, out-fought, and generally out-played the Texas Longhorns - the No. 1 team in the nation. Not bad for a team that finished 6-10 in conference play just four years ago.

Though they are ranked in top 10 by both nationally respected polls*, The Writings have yet to really delve into what makes the 09-10 Wildcats a team to talk about. You can probably chalk to that up to two-parts laziness, one-part fear of causing some sort of jinx. No, I'm not really superstitious and I haven't read Pedro Cerrano's Guide to Voodoo, but sometimes a person is just overly cautious. (I often push over ladders just to avoid the possibility of accidentally climbing and then falling off of them.) Nonetheless, some combination of my journalistic instincts (of which their are few) and my sheer excitement about what this team could potentially accomplish (of which there is much) has made this a topic The Writings can no longer ignore. If you're prepared to attempt to follow a rambling diatribe hitting on all things Wildcats, keep reading. If not, keep reading anyway. Maybe you'll learn something. (The Writings: We're here to teach.)

*That's the AP and the ESPN/Coaches' poll. Estimated date of the Derek Larson poll also being nationally respected: Nov. 4, 2342.

---
An aside, as I watch the replay of the game as I type: nice work by the ESPN camera crew on zooming in on a college student wearing a cross on his neck while the crowd serenaded the referees with a chant that rhymes with gullspit... Yes, he was an integral part of the chant.
---

If anything was made evident by last night's victory, it was that this team's true identity lies in sweating the small stuff. When the team is grabbing offensive rebounds, beating the opposing squad down the floor and making hustle plays is when it's at its best. Before last night, the argument could have been made that the Wildcats would stand no chance in games where guards Jake Pullen and Denis Clemente (the team's top two scorers) were not hitting shots. The fact that the Pullmente duo combined to shoot 4-for-24 on Monday night should help obliterate such theories.

---
Bob Knight - who was an excellent coach, by the way... seriously, a legendary coach... I hold great respect for his coaching ability - referred to K-State center Luis Colon (pronounced like "cologne" - a pleasing thought) as Colon (pronounced like the part of the body - a not-so-pleasing thought).
---

Unlike teams from the past few years, this Kansas State squad is assembled in such a fashion that it can recover when its top scorers are rendered ineffective. Two years ago, in Frank Martin's inaugural campaign, if a team was able to negate Michael Beasley and Bill Walker, the scoring load fell to a freshman Pullen (who was not yet ready to be a go-to guy) and senior Clent Stewart (who averaged just under 7 points per game). Last year, Pullen and Clemente led the Wildcats in scoring, but beyond that pair, K-State depended on Darren Kent (whose best sport was golf) and Jamar Samuels (who a year ago was so skinny he was nearly invisible from a profile view).

This year, even when Pullen and Clemente are putting up enough bricks to build a new practice facility, the Wildcats have options. There's the sophomore version of Jamar Samuels, who tracks down offensive rebounds as if he's using GPS and is able to somehow complete shots after absorbing crushing contact from players like Dexter Pittman - a man so large he seems destined to one day battle The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. There's Curtis Kelly, who may not be well versed in consistency, but who is one of the top low-post scorers in the Big 12 when he's on his game. There's Rodney McGruder, a freshman whose playing time has varied, but who has made the most of the opportunities he's been given and has shown versatility in doing so. Against Texas, McGruder scored 11 off the bench with most coming around the rim. Earlier this season, McGruder showed off his long-range game, connecting on four 3-pointers and scoring 20 points in just 22 minutes.

---
Reason #3,271 why sideline reporters are not necessary in basketball: by the end of the game, in-depth reports concern electrolyte jellybeans.
---

---
It's a shame that the ESPN announce crew couldn't do enough homework to realize that Big 12 North teams only play those in the South once during the regular season... and one of them even coached in the conference.
---

While the 2009-2010 season has shaped up to be far more than anyone (other than those that sit on the Wildcat bench each game) might have hoped so far, it is true that not everything is perfect surrounding this team. Depth in the post is questionable. The offense lacks movement. The team is prone to fouling. (A lot.) The freshmen are raw. All told, there's plenty of improvements this squad can still make. There are plenty of reasons to think that things could go awry.

Guess what... I don't care.

I once convinced myself to be optimistic about a K-State team whose top player was named Phineas and ended up winning a whopping 11 games. Annually, I talk myself into thinking the Kansas City Royals have a chance to compete in their division, only to wonder what in the world I was thinking by the time the calendar reads June. (Still working on that for 2010... Give me time.) My favorite NFL team has won a combined 10 games over the last three seasons. Based on my rooting history, you could almost argue that I'm a foul-weather fan. You will have to excuse me if I take a little pride when one of "my teams*" actually ascends to national prominence. Each Monday I'm going to wait impatiently for new polls to be released like a kid waiting to open Christmas gifts. After each victory, I'm going to watch Sportscenter solely to see K-State highlights. After each loss, I'm going to feel like someone just kneed me in the kidney. I'll continue to wear more purple than most people own think about K-State basketball far more than any person should.

I've always liked purple Kool-Aid.

*To the extent of my knowledge, I hold no actual legal ownership over any of the aforementioned teams. Despite the fact that a lot of my money has gone to the university throughout the years, administrators assure me that this is still the case.

Who's No. 1?

You can bet that The Writings cannot ignore K-State's huge win Monday night. Look for a writeup tonight.

Number Crunching

Recently, The Writings conducted a survey about the NCAA men's basketball tournament Final Four. With the championship game now well in our past and the North Carolina Tar Heels cemented in history as champs, its time to examine the survey results.*

*If you're saying, "Actually, it would have made a lot more sense to examine these results right after championship game," you're a rather astute reader. However, you're also making me look kind of foolish. I hope there's no one around to listen to you.

Question 1 - Who will win the NCAA Tournament?

Results - One-third of the field correctly predicted that Tyler Hansbrough's natural "I'm very surprised" look would be prominently featured in the post-game "One Shining Moment" video package with UNC becoming National Champions. Unfortunately, half of respondents picked teams that did not even wind up in the championship game.

Conclusion - It seems my readers take after me. On the whole, they predict things with the precision of Robin of Locksley's arthritic grandmother.

Question 2 - Which team nickname would be the least creepy for a member of the opposite sex to call you?

Results - There was no clear winner, as Wildcat and Spartan split the vote evenly.

Conclusion - Note to self: It seems that calling a female "Huskie" is a bad idea. Who could have guessed that?

Question 3 - I would rather watch...

Results - The University of North Carolina wins another one, as alum Michael Jordan's Space Jam picked up 2/3 of the vote. MSU alum Magic Johnson's instructional video was the only choice that did not earn a single vote.

Conclusion - In the world of The Writings, playing basketball with a cartoon rabbit against aliens is cool. Learning fundamentals is not... That, or readers have seen Magic recently and realize that he doesn't look to be doing much running up and down the court himself.

Question 4 - My interest in the remaining games of the NCAA Tournament is best described as...

Results - There was no consensus. Answers encompassed the entire spectrum.

Conclusion - The readership is diverse when it comes to the world of sports. Some readers like nothing more than a good game, while others would rather watch highlights of a results show for "So You Think You Can Yodel While Tap Dancing and Shotgunning a Schlitz?"*

*Actually, I think that sounds like a pretty entertaining show. Can someone make that happen?

Question 5 - I know who Lastings Milledge and/or Justin Upton are/is.

Results - Alas, we have consensus, and it comes in the form of an overwhelming "no."

Conclusion - It seems normal people, (yes, dear reader, I consider you normal) are not concerned with knowing the starting lineups for the Washington Nationals or the Arizona Diamondbacks. While this is a bit startling, I will attempt to proceed.

Ques-... C'mon, you aren't even remotely interested in knowing that Milledge bats leadoff and plays centerfield for the Nationals? Or that Upton is a former No. 1 pick and starts for the Diamondbacks despite the fact that he's only 21? I think you're going to regret this when the two clubs meet in May.

...What do you mean you won't be watching?

Question 6 - I think this quiz was worthwhile, and I'd like to see more in the future. Yes or no?

Results - If we were in the midst of a game of Family Feud, you'd be feeling pretty good about picking "yes" as the top response.

Conclusion - People love providing their opinions... That, or readers like boosting my confidence after feeble attempts to try something new. Either way, I'll take it.

Question 7 - In seven words or less, describe a topic you'd like to like to see The Writings cover.

Results - I can't list them here. That would be like the writers of Lost coming out and saying what key plot twists are ahead in the series... Wait, no. That's not right, because the writers of Lost are actually talented. Nevertheless, I'm still going to refuse to release such sensitive information.

Conclusion - None, however I do have to speak on something else. As I type this, I have a nationally televised baseball game showing on my TV. A commentator in this very game is continually mispronouncing the name of one player. It's not even a difficult name to pronounce, yet he's butchering it as if he's attempting to speak Klingon or Elvish. Perhaps I am a bit idealistic, but I would think that one might double-check name pronunciations when he or she knows that they'll be mentioning said names on national television. Honestly, it's like posting something on the World Wide Web without proper editing.

... Oh, nevermind.

Question 8 - In one sentence, word, or incoherent fragment, type anything... seriously anything...

Results - Responses ranged from the very literal ("I am typing anything... seriously anything"), to quick-hitting ("beets" and "poop") to suggestions for the future ("multiple choice only").

Conclusion - The reader participation is valued, and I hope to have more of it in the future... That, and apparently one reader has a finger condition that makes it difficult to type, but not to click things with a mouse. We wish him a speedy recovery.