Thursday, October 30, 2008

H-A-Double L-O... etc.

On Friday night, kids dressed as millionaire athletes will be seen begging for candy.

On Friday night, people will look forward to being scared to the point of screaming.

On Friday night, college-aged girls dressed as angels will dance in a fashion that is anything but spiritual.

All told, Halloween is quite the holiday. It's one that can be seen completely differently, depending on your age. Consider the following..

At a child's first Halloween, candy is no concern whatsoever. It's time for the parents to dress the little one up in a cute costume and show him/her off. It's really a win-win situation. The parents get to preserve the occasion with a plethora of photos, all while not having to worry about the child's teeth rotting away, since they don't have (m)any. Meanwhile, the little infant gets to ponder why their little hands are so tasty, and mentally poke fun at all those who talk to them with an assortment of "goos" and "gahs".*

*Please note, this is just a guess as to what is going on in the minds of the little ones. I have no psychic powers that actually enable me to read their minds. I simply observe popular trends.

Things get a little more interesting once the kiddos are walking. Halloween is no longer about getting some cute pictures for the photo album... It's about the Cs: costumes and candy. Granted, I don't really remember these early days from my youth, but my understanding from those with toddlers now is that once the calendar page flips to October, a Halloween costume is seen as much more than a one-night wear for the kid - it's a permanent addition to the wardrobe.

What about all those clothes you've spent your hard-earned money on? You may as well pack them up until November. The deceptively named October (I'm just saying it should be renamed Dectober... think about it), is time for the tike to spend more time in that costume than they spend barraging you with adorably intriguing questions. (How often does God trim his beard?)

You think you'll never let your kid dress like Super Mario for daycare? Replacing your morning waffles with an ear-crippling tantrum** may change your mind...

**Is an "ear-crippling" tantrum possible? I'm not sure, but I know a couple parents of a blog writer that could probably testify in favor.

 Along with the costume obsession comes the craving for candy. When it comes time to trick-or-treat, the evening will never be long enough for the kid. House-to-house, door-to-door, every single stop is like a junior jackpot. Why would you ever stop? At some point, the youngster may even get tired of walking, reaching a cranky stage... You might think that would mean it's time to go home... You'd be thinking incorrectly. Mention that to little Superman and you'll have yourself a superfit to handle. Lack of leg function is no reason to quit adding to a bag full of sugary treat... it just means it's time for mom or dad to practice some kid-lugging.

Back at home after bagging more candy than the folks at Hershey's, this is where the real fun begins for a kid on Halloween. You know that feeling you get when you've had too much sugar? It starts with a funny feeling in your head and a little shake in your hands. Before you know it, you feel like a couple gerbils are jousting inside your belly. The discomfort grows to the point that your only comfort comes from lying in the fetal position. Repeat that cycle for about two straight weeks and you have Halloween as a kid.

For better or for worse, such days come to an end. That end often seems to coincide with the arrival of puberty. Apparently a little more bass in the voice makes one think it's no longer "cool" to wear costumes. So, what do these pre- and early-teens do to celebrate All Hallows Eve? Go and stand around awkwardly and middle school dances, of course. Naturally, there's nothing cooler than standing with a group of your peers while a group of the opposite gender stands on the other side of the gym. Sure, you're at a "dance", but who has time to do any of that when you're busy refilling your cup with punch, reciting rap lyrics to yourself and avoiding eye contact. (Ah, middle school memories.)

Once the awkwardness of junior high runs its course, Halloween seems to zero in on the terrifying side of things. Horror is a big deal. There are haunted houses to visit and scary movies to view. If you have pent up rage, you apparently take it out on the pumpkins sitting outside the homes of your neighbors.***

***We worked pretty hard on those jack-o-lanterns. I'm not sure being splattered on a stop sign was a fitting demise for them... jerks.

In the college years, costumes make a comeback, but the spirit is just a bit different. Sure, you'll see doctors and nurses, angels and devils, but the costumes seem to have a common theme. I think Jim Gaffigan may have the most accurate assessment of the situation.

If you happen to hit that post-college, pre-marriage period of time, you're kind of in no-mans-land. Halloween means little more than draping a tissue over a pumpkin and entering it in an office contest as "Ghost Pumpkin." (What do you mean, "Are you speaking from experience?" Give me some credit... Fine. Yes, I am.) Luckily, it seems that having a young niece/nephew around for the holiday helps bring back the Halloween spirit. (All the fun of having a kid without the responsibility. Is that diaper beginning to smell? Look at the time, better pass the kid along.)

It seems parents have been properly covered in the respective kid entries (quick summation: if your child can walk, you're putting some work in), so that last group up for dissection (not literally... that's sick), is the grandparents.

Grandparents of the world have it great on Halloween. Odds are, they'll get a visit from the grandkid(s) and they will get to do a spoiling (take a candy bar... okay take another... here, have the bowl), which all grandparents take great pride in. If the grandparents live too far away to visit, it's a fair bet that they'll receive some new pictures of the kids in their costumes. It's funny, one might not think of Halloween as a great holiday for the grandparents, but that seems to be the case.

... Unless those angry high schoolers get ahold of their pumpkins.

Dang kids.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Putting things in perspective

A few quick thoughts...

- I embarrass pretty easily. I'm not sure why, but my face can be prone to flushing at a rate that would make Joe the Plumber (if he was actually a plumber) spike his crescent wrench in jealousy. With that in mind, it's always refreshing to see a story like this. No matter what trivial matter gets me red in the face, I can always take great assurance in the fact that I'm not lying on stretcher looking like someone who has been attacked by a rabid toilet.

Alas, I have now been focusing an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what this guy was thinking. According to the story, he's 26, so I should be able to relate. Nevertheless, if me cellular phone ever somehow escapes the confines of my pocket to go for a dip in a public commode, I'm not sure my first reaction would be deciding to do my best imitation of a plunger. Cell phones are replaceable, after all, but I'm not sure the memories of latrine scavenging are easily forgotten.

- In other news, someone called me "bro" in a public setting tonight. That's right, bro... People still say "bro"? Last I checked, the year is not 1991 and I haven't been carrying around a boogie board. As I understand the term, it's slang for "brother," but I'm fairly certain that I was not related to this guy. The only other "bro" I am aware of is the male bra made popular by Frank Costanza. Alas, I was not wearing one of these, either.

- I spend a lot of time complaining about the utter drivel that several television channels call programming, but if there's a show on TV that is a bigger waste of time than MANswers, I think it may be time to admit that this whole picture tube fad has run its course.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Nothing Really...

Quick thoughts while taking part in a fantasy basketball draft and watching the World Series...

- If I understand this correctly, Iron Man (as documented in the film
of the same name) flew across the world to the Middle East in his Iron
Man suit. That's sure to be a lengthy flight. Did he equip the suit
with GPS so that he wouldn't get lost? And, how exactly did he... uhh,
relieve himself during the flight? The film shows that the suit isn't
exactly easy to remove, so did he wear a diaper, crazy astronaut-style?

- The amount of tolerance one has for football play-by-play announcers is directly proportional the the success of one's favorite team. As a result of this theorem, I'm hitting the mute button any time a football game is on my TV.

- Why didn't watermelon carving ever catch on like pumpkin carving?

- Being single, one often hears the phrase, "Well, I'd set you up with (insert name here), but I wouldn't want to do that to you." Is it a bad sign for our society that so many friends of friends out there are apparently torturous to spend a few hours with in a social setting? Aren't friends supposed to be people one enjoys the company of? And how can one be sure that his/her friends are not saying the same thing about him/her? Maybe Jerry Seinfeld was not exaggerating when he said 95-percent of the population is undateable.

- FYI... If you would ever go on television to compete to be someone's BFF, you fall into the aforementioned category.

- Even if I understood Spanish, I still don't think I'd be able to figure out what is going on during 88-percent of the programming on Univision.

- We're just over a week away from the presidential election and it seems that the only place candidate Duck is being taken seriously is here at The Writings... I'm just glad I have educated readers.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

You Win!

If you have ever seen the movie "Eddie," I'm sorry and I wish you could get 100 minutes of your life back.

...Wait, while that may be true (so true it's frightening) that's not the direction I meant to go. Let's try it again...

If you have ever seen the movie "Eddie," you witnessed some extremely horrible acting, and not just on the part of the basketball players pretending to be actors. Odds are you were tempted to begin poking at your corneas with Q-tips you'd lit on fire by the time the film was halfway through.

... Nope, that's still not the right route (although it's still scary true). One more time...

If you have ever seen the movie "Eddie," you probably thought the idea of someone earning a position with an NBA team because they won a silly in-game contest seemed pretty absurd. You may have even spat at notion (if you did, I'm truly impressed, since notions aren't exactly tangible). Whatever your reaction to the possibility of your average John Cupo'coffee (Joe Sixpack's cousin, fresh out of rehab) getting anywhere in the world of sports thanks to a little skill combined with a little luck, it seems the basic premise may become reality.

According to a Texas Tech fan site, the recent winner of an in-game field goal kicking contest may be lining up for extra points this weekend for the Red Raiders. He put a 30-yard kick through the uprights weeks ago and now he may be called upon to do the same against the No. 18 team in the nation (who shall remain unnamed).

As with most things I bother writing about, this provoked many thoughts in my head. Particularly, if this plan works out and the Red Raiders solve their kicking issues thanks to a simple contest, why can't this work for the teams I root for?

It's pretty obvious the Kansas City Chiefs have a problem at quarterback right now. They entered the season without a proven signal caller, they've just lost two mediocre QBs for the season, and they'll start a quarterback on Sunday who has thrown with the accuracy of a cross-eyed marksman who has had too much caffiene. But what if the answer to their problems didn't lie in free agency or the draft, but in a contest at halftime? Whoever can throw the most footballs through a tire from 10 yards out wins the starting QB gig.

... Oh, I forgot to mention that the contest participants will also have to avoid a constant barrage of 300-pound bags of flour while making their tosses, to get used to having no pass protection.

In Manhattan, it's tough to peg one single phase of the game as the issue plaguing the Wildcats, but tackling certainly isn't a strength. Sounds like it's time for a contest. Put the opposing mascot at midfield, and the first person to successfully bring it down with a mechanically sound form tackle (see what you hit, wrap up, shoot the hips through, etc.) earns the starting nod at inside linebacker the following week.

The Royals once invited a professional softball pitcher to spring training, so the idea of filling a roster spot with a contest can't seem completely ridiculous for the organization. While the boys in blue have no power to speak of on the roster, I think it would be a lot easier to address the lack of speed on the basepaths. If you've been to Kauffman Stadium in the last few years, you know the hot dog race (three people racing while wearing huge hot dog costumes) sometimes gets more of a reaction than anything that happens in the batter's box. Think of the added excitement when the winner is guaranteed a spot in centerfield the following game. The choice of whether they wear the hot dog costume or a baseball uniform for their Major League debut is up to them.

This contest idea may very well sweep the nation. It can even be applied to areas outside the world of sports. Areas like blog writing.

Sure, I've complained about areas in the world of sports that I find subpar in this Writing, but I will certainly admit there are things people find subpar about all of these Writings (writing, editing, and content come to mind). Thus, it may be time for the inaugural Writings contest. Naturally, I have no idea what the terms of the contest are, or what the prize could be. Submit your ideas, and you just might win... the opportunity to choose the contest you will later compete in.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Things I Don't Understand - the equestrian atop a pale pony

I read a newspaper editorial this morning, the subject of which was an injured quarterback retuning to lead his team on the football field. The columnist argued that this young signal-caller would not make this struggling squad instantly competitive simply by standing under center.

I have absolutely no qualms with this argument. In fact, since the youngster has never actually been the starting quarterback in a game his NFL franchise has won, it seems that the title of the column could have been, "Reiterating Common Knowledge."

All statements of the obvious aside, the thing I found interesting in the article was the use of a certain cliche. The writer used a quote from the head coach, in which the coach stated that the quarterback would not come "riding in on a white horse."

Reading the aforementioned statement made me pause.

Was this expected of the quarterback? Had his injury rehabilitation been combined with some equestrian training?

And why the emphasis on the fact that he wouldn't ride atop a white horse? Was he establishing the fact that the quarterback is drug free? Or refuting any inane ideas that he might be the antichrist?

Since this phrase was used to support the argument that the QB would not be a difference-making player this season, does this mean that there is some sort of cause-and-effect relationship between someone's ability to ride white horses and their prowess on the gridiron?

I know newspaper editorials are meant to get people thinking... but I'm not sure these are the type of questions they're supposed to spurn. I had to find out if this saying had any merit. Did Joe Montana ever ride atop a white steed prior to a Super Bowl victory? Did John Elway use a Denver Bronco as his means of conveyance while traveling to Super Bowl XXXII?

Alas, such research proved inconclusive.

In fact, the only event I could conjure in which someone famously rode a white horse in to quell the chances of defeat was (nerd alert!) when Gandalf the White rode Shadowfax down the slope the the Battle of Helm's Deep. Saruman's troops stood no chance.

Perhaps this coach was simply attempting to vanquish any possible rumors that the quarterback is a wizard that can tame equidae previously thought unable to be tamed.

In the end, the point is somewhat moot, as the quarterback left the contest (once again, his first game back from injury) with a new injury. His luck seems to indicate that he's been littering on ancient burial grounds and spitting on the Blarney Stone... I guess the white horse is probably lucky he wasn't called for duty.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Time for Links

Go ahead and re-read that title.

Pretty simple, eh? Yet, it took about all the creativity I could muster on this Saturday morn. As a result, I'm taking the route that so many of those who publish blogs on the web have before me, and I'm going to focus on nothing but links in this Writing. Is it cheap and lazy? Sure, but I have also used both aforementioned terms to describe myself in the past... It works.

Invisibility Cloak - This seems like a marvelous (please note: italicized text intended to be read with a sarcstic tone... Feel free to start the sentence over (this time with feeling!) if you prefer) idea. After all, a study in London has shown that one out of every three people suffers from paranoia. With the new concern of invisible people wandering around, this number is bound to rise. Now, whenever the wind blows paranoia will strike and people will stare into nothingness with wild eyes, wondering if some invisibility cloaked person has incredible lung capacity.

Rock on - Continuing the theme of legitimate scientific studies, we have this. Granted, I'm no "rocker." In fact, the closest I get to head-banging is shaking my head in effort to get water out of my ear after a shower. Nevertheless, only the most sophisticated tests were used in effort to achieve a firm conclusion in this vital study. Show me a scientific study that doesn't take juvenile delinquency or Beavis and Butt-head into account.

Space Java - ...and all the caffeine-addicted astronauts who just can't bring themselves to drink instant coffee rejoice. Does this mean we'll finally get the commercial feature Juan Valdez and his donkey in space that the world has been clamoring for?

Yikes - As someone who tends to have an uncanny ability to blink nearly every time a picture of him is attempted, I have little room to comment on bad photos... but I also don't have any photos of myself that look quite like this. It seems Senator McCain is taking some notes for the Air Jordan Handbook. While MJ stuck out his tongue on the court, McCain is taking following suit on the campaign trail. Can it be long before we have a "Be like John" theme song?

There's always hope? - We conclude with a trip down Memory Boulevard (Memory Lane is under construction as a result of too much traffic), back to the days when 500+ yard performances by K-State's opponents weren't seen as a nearly foregone conclusion, back when the Wildcats had a rushing attack, and back when they didn't wear ridiculous purple pants (I'm sorry, but those are horrible)... Ah, memories.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Well, Christmas is just around the corner...

I have heard it said that you can find anything you might want to purchase on eBay. Sure, that's great, but the items you don't hear about are the pieces of trivia that noone bids on. What happens to these items that garner no consumer interest whatsoever? Are they doomed to join Charlie-in-the-Box on the Island of Misfit Toys? With the holiday shopping season approaching, I figured now might be a good time to examine some of the auction items that have received no bids whatsoever. Who knows, this could help a valued reader find a gift for a loved one. I hope you have your credit cards ready.

(Please note: all product titles are listed exactly as they appear on eBay. Typos may be present, but such errors might add into the product's mystique.)

Authentic PUG Fur
This item hits somewhat close to home. I know a member of the pug family pretty well. In my experiences with this canine, fur has not been hard to come by. These dogs shed at a rate that makes one wonder how they don't go completely hairless upon their fourth tail-chasing session of the hour. The idea that one might make some cash by putting this fuzz up for sale is rather asinine... but I imagine it could have the wheels turning in the heads of some of my family members. I know of living room rug that could offer up a rather bountiful harvest.

It seems that I should probably bookmark this link. Thus, whenever I get the feeling that the heights of human stupidity have finally been reached, I can click this and remind myself that no one was foolish enough to bid on this empty plastic bag.

Texas Cockle Burrs for sale, Authenic Home Decor
Then again, doubts assuaged by the previous item can creep back into your head when you read this product description. In my experiences with the earthly wonder that is the outdoors, cockleburrs have proven to be some of the most infuriating forms of plant life I have encountered. They cling like the girl who doesn't understand what "let's just be friends" means, and the process of completely separating yourself is just as painful. The idea that someone might pass them off as a "home grown" items for decorating use("Check out the cockleburr crop... It's a beauty this year") is kind of like advertising your toenail clippings as mini toothpicks. It's a bad idea all around. Then again, I guess I'm unclear on what a "Porky Pine" egg (see eloquently worded description) actually is... Maybe such knowledge would make me realize that this is really a bargain.

Dog Or Cat Poopie Doo Boxed Like Candy Rubber Realistic
The mere notion that something with "Poopie Doo" in the title has zero bids is pretty mind-boggling in itself.

Initiation into the Vampire Arts

This seems to argue for the idea that people are not born as vampires, but rather choose to be vampires. The table of contents listed is very helpful, however it seems that having a section titled "What you will NOT find in this booklet" in the booklet is a little contradictory. Apparently vampires aren't sticklers for such details.

What do you mean fan interest in 98 Degrees has faded? (Insert terrified expression of choice here... I prefer the deep-breath followed by the voice-fading "NOOOOOOOoooooooooo!")


No one is willing to put up $9.99 for a football trading card featuring a kicker that spent six whole seasons in the National Football League? Weird. Especially since Tuff Stuff's online price guide values this card as being worth a shiny nickel. While the photo on the card of Mr. McFadden seemingly reading a book he'd taped inside his helmet is a nice one, I'm not sure it's worth that extra $9.94.

How to make money and Get rich
The final item of the evening gives us an opportunity to work through an issue together... Remember, everything listed in this Writing is an eBay item that had received zero bids at the time of composing (by definition, the fewest bids one can receive). If something on eBay receives zero bids, that means it will not be sold, which means it makes the seller a profit of nothing. Although I've never done much of it myself, I am fairly confident that making money and getting rich require profits greater than nothing. Please keep this in mind when considering options you might use to "make money and get rich."

Remember, only 71 days until Christmas.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

What has four wheels and looks like ballpark food?

I saw a National monument today.

Well, it may not be an official National Monument, but it's considered one by a portion of the nation, anyway.

... Fine, it might just be me that sees this work as one of the heights in human ingenuity, but I'll let you decide for yourself...

Sure, this vehicle I witnessed is not the only Oscar Mayer Wienermobile in existence, but such a fact does little to sway my opinion. This giant, motorized hot dog is an important piece of American History.

Consider the power of the Wienermobile:

- It brightens moods.
I traveled to Dillon's on this very day to provide my car with the gasoline sustenance it requires to maintain forward motion. Naturally, the idea of forking out the cash required to fill up a gas tank these days was not a thrilling concept. Yet, as soon as I saw the Wienermobile* in the parking lot, I forgot all about prices of oil, offshore drilling, alternate sources of energy, and the possibility of having to sell a kidney if I ever take a road-trip. There was only one thought in my mind: I have to get a picture of that.

*The fact that I have never referenced the Wienermobile before in this blog - a collections of Writings that covers everything from the evils of water that has dipped below its freezing point to male flight attendants that look like Lando Calrissian - is surprising even to me. To make up for such literary neglect, I'm using the Wienermobile name far more than it should ever appear in text.

- It promotes the arts.
Photography is an art, and everybody around wanted a picture of the Wienermobile. I have witnessed some really interesting people and really interesting sights in public parking lots throughout my life, but few have merited a photograph to commemorate the event. Nevertheless, with the Wienermobile just across the parking lot, I considered abandoning my car while it filled with petroleum to snap pictures with my shoddy cell phone until the battery died.

Honestly, there are very few motor vehicles in existence that can make me actually stop what I'm doing to take a photo. In three days at a car show featuring over 1,600 cars, I took exactly zero pictures of cars that had not transported me to the park.  Yet, when presented with Oscar Mayer's hot dog on wheels not only did I snap a photo, but I actually sent it to people to share the joy in the event... This from a guy that didn't take a single photo on a trip to New York years ago.

The idea of having a Wienermobile staffer (What would one call the drivers of this vehicle? Every idea that comes to mind seems a bit risque for such a Writing) snap my picture next to the oversized redhot even crossed my mind. Alas, it was ultimately thwarted by some combination of pride and insecurity (mostly the latter).**

**I probably looked a little place as it was, considering the face that I am neither a six-year-old nor a soccer mom^.

^We have "soccer moms," and now we have "hockey moms"... what about the sports that are, you know, popular in our country? Have you ever heard anyone referred to as a football, baseball, or basketball mom? From my understanding, soccer moms are always running around from place to place for their kids (soccer practice, etc.), which is similar to what soccer players do, as there is entirely too much running in the sport. Apparently hockey moms are similar, but also tough, like pit bulls. Are football moms the ones that like hitting people? Do baseball moms enjoy spitting more than other moms? What about basketball moms? Are these women giving chest bumps after successful drop offs? Can someone sort this out for me?

As it stands, the only other vehicles I can think of that I'd really have to get a picture of upon sight is the original Batmobile and maybe the A-Team's van if Mr. T is hanging around. Some might argue for the General Lee, but it seems to be easily replicated with a '69 Dodge Charger. (And who doesn't have one of those?) Obviously, I'm no car buff. If you're frustrated with my ignorance, comment below with a vehicle I'm missing out on. With some feedback, we may have a future poll on our hands.

-It makes people burst into song.
No, your author did not serenade all in proximity with the Oscar Mayer Wiener song, but the lyrics were certainly rolling through my head as I approached the bumper (Bun-per? ... The Writings - all the crappy puns you'll ever need, and all for free). In the world of television advertisements, people love singing the jingle... despite the fact that it doesn't really make sense. Do people really wish they were some combination of meats served on a bun, even if they had the opportunity to be packaged by Oscar Mayer? Is that what they'd REALLY like to be?

Honestly, given the option, I think I'd rather maintain my current status as a person that isn't served at all (as long as I stay away from any freestyle rap battles or dance contests... oh snap***). It seems the odds of me being consumed by a severely overweight man in a baseball jersey are far less as I currently stand.

***Yes, I am fluent in the language of 1980s rappers. Funky fresh, I know.

I do have qualms with Mr. Mayer's choice of song lyrics (then again, from what I understand Mr. Mayer is actually a piece of bologna, so what can you expect?), but it seems that he pegged the final line of his ditty. Much like the Statue of Liberty and Mount Rushmore, everyone loves the Wienermobile.

Now we just have to get a presidential candidate to make declaring it a National Monument a campaign priority.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Debate This

It's debate night, and that can only mean one thing*: it's time for unsubstantiated claims.

*Okay, two things. It also means millions around the nation will tune into their favorite network and exclaim, "What's goin' on? It's time for 'So You Think You Can Eat Your Weight in Tacos.'"

That's right, candidates could say pretty much anything without having to worry about the burden of having to provide evidence of such claims. It's the reason news stations and websites now make a point of citing the errors in hours of debate dissection. During the live debate, nearly anything can be claimed as fact as long as someone is willing to argue for it. They could say anything and, odds are, someone out there would believe it.

Such an idea really got me thinking. What type of claims (sans any sense of supporting evidence whatsoever) could candidates make during this town hall meeting? How about:

- The real downfall of the economy is the demise of the sports trading card industry.

- Any Americans named Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have been deported.

- P.D. Eastman's "Go Dog, Go!" contains a coded map leading to treasure meant to bail out the U.S. in times of economic disparity.

- Abraham Lincoln used to hide snacks in his hat.

- The three blind mice were actually anorexic, glaucoma-suffering squirrels.

- A combination of Kroger brand Cheese Puffs and Red Bull is the future of clean energy.

- Alaska was not the largest state in the union until it hooked up with BALCO.

- Global warming can actually be stopped by people setting their air conditioners to lower temperatures.

- Terrorists turn against America because they can't find Nintendo Wii systems anywhere.

- Pork barrels helped make last year's Independence Day barbecue the tastiest ever.

- Back to the Future is based on a true story.

- For a brief period, the two major political parties considered changing their names to the Nation of Domination and the nWo.

- The opposing candidate would not have run if Brett Favre had thrown his hat (helmet) in the race.


Unfortunately, 104 minutes later, none of my suggested unsubstantiated claims were brought up in tonight's debate. Sure, there was talk of the economy, foreign policy, and more, but how can you have a debate without any movie, video game, sports, or professional wrestling references? It's mind-boggling.

At least we have one more debate before the election.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

I'm #1

It's true, ladies and gentlemen. I'm number one.

I'm the best.

I'm the tops.

Those who speak Spanish might call me "numero uno."

Others might refer to me as "da bomb*," "the shizzle**," or "the cat's pajamas***."

*If they have time-traveled from 1997.

**If their name rhymes with "doop snog."

***If they are... trying to start a small business where they sell feline sleepwear.

Please don't jump to the conclusion that I've begun sailing in the great ship of narcissism (especially because it doesn't catch much wind with mirrors used as sails), I'm simply speaking the truth.

Don't believe me? Check this out.

That's right, a simple Google search for my name along with the word "fool" lists this very blog as the top result. Thus, it's clear that in the all-seeing eyes of Mr. Google (as far as I know, he has not earned his doctorate), I am the most foolish of all Derek Larsons.

I'm currently in the process of adding this to my resume.

Granted, some (including Google) may say that the listings of search results should not be used as any sort of scientific measuring stick or ranking system (or cough suppressant, but that seems obvious), but that sounds like the talk of those in the corporate world trying to keep me from taking my rightful spot as the most foolish of all those who share my name. Like King Arthur receiving Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake or the most rotund of all the Lost Boys, Thud Butt, receiving leadership responsibilities from Peter Pan at the end of Hook, I have earned this title and will not take it lightly.

Now that I know where I stand in relation to all others that don my name as if they've raided my personality, it seems natural to wonder what others are doing with my 11-letter moniker that begins with 'd.'

Google (an anagram for "ego log"... somewhat fitting) brings forth information on several Derek Larsons - most of whom I'm 98.9-percent sure are not me. At the top list is an assistant professor of history and environmental studies. I do not have a business card listing such as my form of employment (and this guy has a beard, while I could not even grow one if Abe Lincoln and Grizzly Adams were offering me membership in the Benevolent Order of the Folically Rich Faces), therefore I can conclude that this DL and I are not the same person.

Using the logic of this blog, the fact that he is atop the search listings for "Derek Larson" must mean he is the most important of all DLs. Is this a shot to the ego? For some, possibly.

For me, no.

After all, if you're a single 20-something who writes endlessly about trivial matters, odds are your ego has been beaten down to a nearly unrecognizable point through the years. Sadly, mine has been on life support since the days when I enjoyed chicken patties (on buns!) in the elementary school cafeteria (/old gym).

But enough about me... lets talk about people who share a name with me. There's a Derek Larson that is a web designer. There is another that is a conceptual artist. There's even one who has put himself out there in the world of YouTube. (Please note: not all who sport my name condone combining fire with flatulence. Play smart, kids.)

No matter what these folks are doing, even if they're crafting canoes out of limestone, one fact remains: there may be 8,510 search results for "Derek Larson," but there's only one atop the list of "Derek Larson" + "fool."

I'm #1.