Foibles in Broadcasting

According to an announcer calling the night's Dodgers-Cubs game, outfielder Xavier Nady "literally has no throwing arm."

Literally?

I have yet to figure out if he catches the ball with his teeth and then kicks it back to the infield, but I'll let you know as soon as reports are confirmed.

The Rantings - Quick edition

Have you seen the Degree deodorant commercial where the guy jumps out of the plane with a shopping cart, soars down through the clouds, sticks a perfect 10 landing on a freeway and then, riding the cart like a grocery shopper on meds, zips between two semis? Have studies shown that this type of advertising works for deodorant? Honestly, I don't care if my sport stick makes me feel like a suicidal shopper. I'd just like to make sure it doesn't smell like moldy burritos.

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The Black Eyed Peas' song "I Gotta Feeling" seems to be everywhere right now. It's on commercials. It's played on football game broadcasts. It's played on basketball game broadcasts. It's taught to school children instead of the Pledge of Allegiance.* The song is everywhere, yet it's not even a good song. Sure it's easy to learn. (Repeat the phrase "tonight's gonna be a good night" approximatly 437 times and you pretty much have it nailed down.) Sure it has the creepy computer-modified singing that is so popular these days. (If I wanted to hear robots sing, I'd take Mickey Mouse hostage and have my only demand be that I get to ride the "It's a Small World After All" ride until I fall over dead from the overbridled joy that can only be induced by animatronic children of the world uniting in song.) And sure, it debuted at No. 2 on the Billboard Hot 100. (a list that I'm fairly certain is determined by deaf bush babies that are sleep-deprived.) But the fact remains that any song that states something like "tonight's gonna be a good night" is guaranteed to be played during some of the worst moments of people lives in very ironic fashion. (See: It's a Great Day to be Alive.")

*I may have made one of those facts up. Try to guess which one.

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There's plenty more to rant on, but I'm typing this while as tired as a sleep-deprived bush baby. The Rantings will return.

Here's Your Sign

Driving home today on the tail of an impromptu weekend trip, I noticed a sign on an interstate off-ramp. It was situated so that any drivers that might erroneously attempt to use this off-ramp for "on" purposes would notice it. The message of the sign is a simple one. It simply says, "WRONG WAY."* I support the message this sign is getting across, as it seems that driving against the flow of traffic could result in very few positive outcomes. In fact, other than working to sharpen the reflexes of the offending driver and those law abiding drivers with terrified looks on their faces, I can think of no gains whatsoever that might be drawn from such a loss of direction. Nevertheless, I wonder if a better sign could be created for the purpose of diverting errant-minded vehicles. Can we replace WRONG WAY with something that is both more effective and aesthetically pleasing?

What's wrong with "WRONG WAY"? Well, first of all, it's not really even a complete thought. With signs like "STOP" and "YIELD" the reader is being directly told to act in a certain manner. The "You should.." in the thought is implied, creating a complete thought. I don't see the "WRONG WAY" sign in the same manner... especially if the reader continues to operate with the thought that signs imply "You should..."

It also seems to me that anyone who makes the mistake of going the wrong way on an off-ramp (or on-ramp, for that matter) deserves to have the matter rubbed in his or her face. If they're going to learn not to do it again (and 13 near-accidents have no effect) they're going to have to be spoken to in a manner that will be memorable. What follows are my suggestions (to be submitted to the department of transportation at a later date) for successors to the WRONG WAY sign. If you have any suggestions, please pass them along.

- If you don't see anything wrong with this situation, please pull over, grab your driver's license, chuck it out your window, and prepare your thumb for hitchhiking. Driving is not for you.

- If you are reading this, you may not be reading much longer. Consider making an evasive maneuver.

- You know those people that slow down to look at car accidents? They might be checking out your vehicle soon.

- Your horoscope for the day: If you continue the path you're on, things will get much worse before they're any better.

- Hey, Goober. Turn around.

Not shooting for a "Goodnight, Irene" reaction

In the midst of watching more basketball today than any human ever should, I took note of the following statements made by commentators: "Katie, bar the door," and "Goodnight, Irene!*" I had the same response after hearing each utterance: Who is this woman, and what does she have to do with basketball? I probably should not have given those phrases a second thought, as my mouth has spit out plenty of things that don't relate well to the current situation in the time that it has be blessed (cursed?) with the ability to speak. (Devoted readers will note that my typing fingers seem to have the same problem.)

*Please note, the exclamation point was not my choice. The play-by-play announcer was just really excited when it said it. Why would someone get that excited about saying "goodnight"? The only reason I can think of is that he's a werewolf that enjoys its lot in life (as opposed to those werewolves in film that often dread making their canine transformation) and there's going to be a full moon out... Think about it.

In effort to relate to and better understand those who make a living by calling the action on the hardwood for national television audiences, I decided to do a little research. Using a resource called the "Internet" (apparently it's somewhat popular), I attempted to discover the motivation for referring to Katie and Irene. The results were somewhat frightening.

When the voice of this college basketball game hollered "Goodnight, Irene!" (and hollered it as if Irene were hearing impaired), he was actually paying homage to a folksy blues song. That sounds pleasant, right? Don't let the folksy nature fool you. The song follows a continual theme of the performer's suicidal wishes. "Sometimes I take a great notion, to jump in the river and drown," they lyrics read. It seems to me that taking a voluntary nap with the fishes is not an activity that relates well to basketball. Perhaps this announcer actually detests his job and this is his way of saying he'd rather take an eternal dip than try to explain another horrible call by a referee... That, or he wishes today's athletics were more like those in Roman times. If you win, fantastic. If you lose, you don't live to play another day.*

*We at The Writings do not endorse the competitive practices put forth by the ancient Romans. If such were the case today, the author's athletic career (and life) would have been a pretty short one.

While it may not make suicide seem like a viable alternative to viewing another second of hoops action, I find "Katie, bar the door" to be a rather odd utterance for a collegiate athletic contest, as well. Granted, the phrase is not a completely obscure one used to convey the idea that there is trouble ahead, but true examination of the phrase sparks a bit of worry. Think of the situations that would have to be at hand for you to actually go to the trouble of barring your door. For me, it would probably take a tragedy that could only be avoided if said door was barred. Perhaps a swarm of zombies (the type that don't even have the manners to knock before they enter) headed toward my door with a notarized letter expressing their wish to devour my brain* would be enough to get me to reinforce the entrance to my home, but I can't be sure. The point is that whoever first uttered, "Katie, bar the door," was facing quite a pickle. The type of pickle too severe to be found on a basketball court (unless the aforementioned zombies chased me to an arena... they're a tenacious bunch). I think modifying the phrase to fit the situation at hand would have been more appropriate. Perhaps next time a game gets too close for comfort, he can just say, "Katie, can you scoot over. I don't feel comfortable sitting this closely. Perhaps someday, but not at this point in our relationship. Especially with all these people around. Don't take offense, that's just where I'm at with things right now. I hope this doesn't make things weird."

That should fit well in the flow of a game.

Public Service Announcement

We break from the regularly scheduled Royals roster rundown* to bring you the following message: neon ground effects are not cool.

*The Writings: Where alliteration matters.

Granted, some might think that neon ground effects are not a topic worth delving into.* Those people are probably also unaware that I once wrote about a conversation I overheard at Burger King. It seems pretty much anything, not matter how common (or pointless), is fair game around here.

*One also might think that I'm not necessarily the person that should be making final judgments on whether or not something is "cool." The fact that I own a Three Dog Night CD, one book with the entire Lord of the Rings series found on the pages inside, and a white t-shirt that has "Go Ceiling" written on it in Sharpie probably serves as good support for your argument.

For those of you that may be unsure of what exactly neon ground effects are, (my imaginary readership is diverse, after all) I'll attempt to explain. Have you ever been driving down a city street in the twilight hours (that means evening or night time here... It does not concern goofy vampire love stories), only to notice that a car driving in the lane next to you seems to have an interesting glow about it? A glow that might make it seem as if the vehicle took a wrong turn and drove through a mutant-firefly breeding ground, resulting in a vibrant color seemingly straight out of a Skittles commercial illuminating the car's underside? If so, you have experienced the topic of the evening first hand.

As you may have guessed by now (and if you haven't, be aware, these Writings are interactive. Yelling out any guesses, questions, comments or concerns you might have as you read is highly encouraged.), I found myself driving next to a car "pimped* up" in such a manner this evening. The road beneath the vehicle was glowing a green that would have made Kermit the Frog seem pale in comparison.

*For those keeping score at home, society has seeming decided that - when used as an adjective to describe something cool (e.g., That car is pimp.) or a verb to describe the process of increasing the snazziness** of something (e.g., My ride is lame, but I would like to pimp it up.) - "pimp" is a good thing. When used as a noun (i.e., My uncle Leon is a pimp.), it's still an illegal occupation. Please refer to this lesson as necessary in order to avoid making any inopportune remarks. (e.g., Hi, boss. Your date is lovely. I never knew you were a pimp.)

**How did "pimp" replace the word "snazzy?" See if that thought keeps you awake tonight...

As I drove past this car, my mind raced as I attempted to conjure up reasons why someone would ever spent hard-earned (or even luckily won) money on such an unnecessary feature. Sure, people buy Christmas lights every year, but those are seasonal and stationary. Are those with neon ground effects just attempting to mobilize holiday cheer and spread it year-round? Are they just folks who tend to be a bit clumsy, continually dropping important things underneath their vehicles at night? It seems the lights would be quite helpful in such situations.

My mind was still scrambling to come up with a legitimate reason for decorating a car's underside as if it were a Budweiser sign when I pulled up to a stoplight next to the offending Camaro. I glanced over again. The street under the vehicle was illuminated so brightly that it looked like a putting green. The car made it seem as if everything it drove over was a miniature golf course. Following suit, the traffic light turned green, and the Camaro drove away. I half expected the clown from Happy Gilmore to appear out of nowhere, bringing the car to a halt. Alas, that didn't happen and I still don't know why anyone would purchase neon ground effects... If it's because they're really big fans of Fast and Furious, may God have mercy on us all.

... and another thing...

I have never been able to figure out why Sprite, a sponsor of the NBA, insists on continually showing people playing playground basketball in their commercials. Have you ever taken part in a considerable amount of physical activity after downing a bottle of this carbonated lemon-lime beverage? If you have, you know what I'm talking about. If not, give it a shot. Odds are, minutes after you start you will kind of feel as if your stomach is attempting to wage war against the rest of your body. The feeling could probably be compared to having a string of blackcats exploding in your gut*... Good times.

*Please note: The author has never had a string of blackcats (the small fireworks or dark felines) explode in his gut.

If the commercials were interested in showcasing the truth, all of the
basketball players would double over due to stomach pain in the middle
of the game. Instead, the most recent commercial shows a pair of players jumping into each other, seemingly resulting in a strange chemical reaction that turns the players into a mist of Sprite droplets. Some might think this would alarm the players' teammates, leading to a halting of the game to alert the authorities. Instead, the players that have not dissolved into sugary liquid are quick to run over to be "refreshed" by these clouds of Sprite droplets... Yes, the droplets that resulted from the combustion of their friends.

Is Sprite endorsing cannibalism?

Observations --- That's all

The holidays are over and that can only mean one thing: someone, somewhere is pretty upset that the antlers they super-glued to their dog's head are not coming off as easily as they'd hoped. Blasted glue!

... Wait, that's not it. No, the end of the holiday season means I no longer have an excuse for neglecting The Writings. It's time to get back to my routine schedule of posting. (read: posts will once again be sporadic and erratically inconsistent... You're relieved, I'm sure) Anyway, consider this as the first step in getting back on the right track.

- The holiday break did provide a few additions to my ever-expanding list of things that are "awww"-inspiringly cute when done by an infant, but "alert the authorities" awkward if done by anyone else. New entries include: chewing on someone else's finger, yelling random untelligible nonsense during church, and lying in the middle of the floor on one's belly and swinging arms and legs as if swimming.

- Can someone explain to me the concept behind waiting in Times Square for 11 hours to ensure that you have a good spot to see the ball drop on New Year's? You know exactly what's going to happen. The ball drops. People cheer. Then you probably have to wait another 11 hours just to catch a cab to get back to your hotel. Sure, those folks might argue that it's no different than waiting hours to see a sporting event. Unfortunately for them, those folks would be wrong. With a sporting event, there's uncertainty. You don't know the outcome, which adds excitement and, in turn, can make the end result expontially more satisfying (or frustrating). (A sporting event also lasts longer than 10 seconds.) When that ball drops, the only uncertainty is whether an inebriated guy in the crowd will get slapped for trying to get a smooch from a random female.

- Note to iTunes: you may claim to have a "Genius" feature, but the fact that you recommend I download New Kids on the Block's "Hangin' Tough" makes me wonder if someone read your IQ test results wrong. That, or the program's artificial intelligence has developed understanding of sarcasm... Touche.

- Despite our best fundraising efforts, we at The Writings were not able to land sponsorship for a bowl game this football season. (Who would have guessd you actually have to have "funds" to sponsor?) Although our dream went unfulfilled, the fact that Emerald Nuts sponsors a bowl game gives us hope for the future. Look for The Writings Pointless Drivel Bowl next football season.

- It's nice to see that Magic Johnson has an instructional basketball DVD set on the market. It's good that he's out to help the kids. The children are our future, after all... That said, it strikes me as comical that the DVD set includes a bonus conditioning disc. Why? First of all, anyone that considers conditioning to be a "bonus" is a few rebounds shy of a triple-double.* Second, it's rather apparent that Magic has packed on a couple pounds since his playing days. The aforementioned disc might be serving as a "bonus" coaster around his place.

*If you are not a sports fan, I apologize profusely for the basketball reference. It must be frustrating to continually read about things you have no interest in. If you'd like to send me the latest issue of Guns & Ammo, Good Housekeeping, or Cat Fancy that you might be reading, feel free to send it my way.

- Whether or not you've seen the advertisements for the Snuggie there's no denying that the tagline ("The Blanket With Sleeves!") is frighteningly accurate. It's also much more pleasant than the only other option: "The top cult robe on the market. Drink the Kool-Aid and buy one today!"

- If you ever find yourself in a situation where you think you might appear foolish to those around you, feel free to picture me scrunched over in my car's driver seat at a local drive-thru, straining to reach down through a slightly cracked door, attempting to nab my debit card off the ground after it was dropped there by the employee working the drive-thru window. See, you don't look like a fool. ... Oh, and thanks, fast food employee.

- I recently upgraded my cable package. Now, before you get out your Jump
to Conclusions Mat I must dispel any notions that I have recently
earned a startling increase in income, inherited great sums from a rich distant relative, or discovered buried treasure while attempting to build a
snow fort. No, my splurging for these additional opportunities to rot
my mind came about simply because I was presented with deal worthy of much rejoicing. (Hooray! ... That should cover it.) Naturally, there's a catch. After six months the "excellent
deal" evaporates and I have an "excellent burden" on my checkbook.
Thank goodness for the word "cancellation." Anyway, with a bevy of new
channels to flip through, I'm presented with a myriad of programs fit
for mockery and the like. You can certainly expect a detailed study of
such in the future.

Thought for the Day - Amazon Kindle

In effort to avoid the crowded parking lots, thrown elbows, and general chaos that come with Christmas shopping, I'm doing my best to take care of at least a fraction of my holiday gift searching via the World Wide Web. In doing so, I have noticed that amazon.com is doing all they can to advertise the Kindle this holiday season.

What is the Kindle? It's an electronic reading device that kind of looks like an oversized version of one of those old Tiger Electronics handheld games. Unfortunately, the Kindle doesn't seem to be using Bo Jackson as a celebrity endorser.

While I have never used a Kindle, the big draw seems to be the ability to instantly have access to hundreds of thousands of downloadable books. You can also access top newspapers and magazines, all on this glorified Gameboy.

I have no direct issues with the Kindle itself, as I support all forms of literacy (well, maybe not all forms). After all, if everyone was illiterate, these Writings would be kind of pointless. It would be a guarantee that no one was reading (rather than just a highly probable situation).

My issue with the Kindle is the way Amazon is advertising it. They list the product as their "Wireless Reading Device," and also tout it's portability. Hmmm... a reading device that is portable and has no wires... I think I might have one of those already... Maybe even two or three... shelves full.

That's right Amazon, it seems that books -the very paper products the Kindle is lookng to replace - are also portable and involve no wires whatsoever. It also seems that most books cost less than the Kindle's $359 price tag.

The product overview states that the Kindle's screen "reads like real paper." Funny... so do book pages.

The Kindle also involves "no computer, no cables, no syncing." If my books do, I'm missing the instruction manuals.

It seems to me that it would be more effective advertising all the reading choices available at a moment's notice and the ease of use, rather than stessing that it's portable and wireless. After all, my socks are portable and wireless, but you don't see me bragging.

Alas, it seems the advertising quirk is doing little to thwart the fun with e-words product, as it's currently sold out. Apparently a lot of people out there (meaning people not currently sitting with my laptop on my couch while watching a K-State basketball game) aren't quite as picky as I am when it comes to pointless details.

... Imagine that.

The Reason TVs Have Mute Buttons

Before I go anywhere with this Writing, I must make one thing as clear as your grease-soaked napkin after eating a slice from Pizza Shuttle: I would be an absolutely horrendous football play-by-play announcer. When it comes to the spoken word, I often wonder if my mind has a personal vendetta against my mouth; if my mind is secretly thinking "you'll feel like an idiot after this one, sucker" when providing the script for regular conversation.

That said, the return of football season has quickly reminded me that some play-by-play announcers occasionally seem to suffer from the same ailment (I refer to it as cranial-oral loathing). Even if you don't consider football personalities that have their own series of video games, there are still several things stated over the course of football games that either: a) don't make sense; b) are so obvious that they don't bear mentioning; or c) are completely inaccurate. It seems that the first Sunday of the football season is an opportune time to discuss these very verbal follies.


- "The pass is intercepted, and then dropped."
My two ears (that's right, despite my cartoon-sized head I still only host two ears) played auditory witness to this statement just minutes ago. Unfortunately for the announcer that dropped this bit of knowledge, "interception" means that actual possession of the "pigskin" by the defender occurred. Therefore, a subsequent drop would then be ruled a "fumble." This would mean, pending the recovery of the fumble, two potential turnovers on one play (i.e., something pretty exciting). Meanwhile, what actually occurred on the field was a near-interception, but ultimately a play that amounts to nothing more than an incomplete pass.

To put this in more scholastic terms for the students out there, this is kind of like saying you aced your quiz, but then misplaced it on your way to turn it in, when in all actuality you failed the quiz because you spent the previous evening watching Top Chef instead of studying.


-"It's an end-over-ender" (in reference to a kickoff)
My problem with this phrase does not deride from the fact that it sounds like a description of a hefty man falling down a hill. It's the fact that the statement is obvious. When kicking the ball down-field off a tee, it's pretty much a guarantee that the kick will travel end-over-end... It's common practice.

Imagine if you had dedicated your life to the study of pterodactyls and then someone began trying to capture your attention by sharing that the winged reptiles lived in the late Mesozoic and were known to have wingspans up to 40-feet. You'd probably wish to hear a member of the pterosaur family screech as it materialized out of thin air and whisked you away to someplace where you'd be away from such basic knowledge.** It's the same basic principle.

**The fact that the carnivorous pterodactyl would probably be taking you back to the nest to be fodder for its kin is ignored for this particular illustration.


-"He's out with a (insert body part here)"
Someone I have great tolerance for has covered this point already.


- "Nothin' doin'."
Thanks to the today's technology, this one is an actual reader suggestion (yes, people do apparently read this... I'm stunned, too). Thanks to Mr. Quatro Seis for the suggestion.

The problems with this phrasing go far beyond the fact that it renders the letter 'g' useless. It is also a blatant disregard for the usage of meaningful verbs. "Nothin' doin'" will commonly be uttered when a running play goes for little-or-no gain. Yet, even if no yards are gained, there still is, in essence, "somethin' doin'." Someone carried the ball. Someone was credited with the tackle. Someone in the stands probably looked like a fool reacting to it. These are "somethings" in my book (Derek's Chronicle of Determining Somethings... look for it on bookshelves soon).

The only time I want to actually hear that there is nothing doing, is if it's a true statement. If, through some unexplainable disturbance in the space-time continuum, time actually stops on the football field, but continually progresses forward in the announcing booth, then I'll accept "nothing doing"*** as a valid description.

***I won't compromise on giving the letter 'g' it's due respect. Without it, farmers who have both goats and oats would get pretty confused.