Monday, July 27, 2009

In the department of endorsements I should not attempt to comprehend...

Steve Wilkos is featured on a commercial for a company called Gold Rush. Much like the appropriately named "Cash 4 Gold"*, this company will pay you money (I assume it's even American currency) for all that annoying gold that gets in your way and makes your home look trashy.

*Did you know they'll pay cash for your gold? It's true!

Connecting the dots to determine the logic behind this endorsement is kind of like trying to figure out how The Pacifier made over $113 million dollars at the box office. Both serve as excellent scenarios to be depicted on a flash card for the term "mind-boggling."

For those that are not familiar with Mr. Wilkos, he was once the head of security on The Jerry Springer Show. When arguments about the true identities of a baby's daddy would erupt into all-out brawls - complete with chair tossing and censor-stressing language - Steve would appear out of nowhere, get someone in a full-nelson hold, and then attempt to pull their heart from their chest, Temple of Doom-style.* Big and bald, Steve became a fan-favorite, drawing hordes of cheers and chants of his name whenever he would get in the midst of a conflict. He was such a hit, that many people** wondered why the folks advertising Mr. Clean didn't take a hint and have the animated mascot begin attacking child-support dodgers in commercials for the cleaning product. It would have guaranteed a boost in sales.

*I may have made that last part up.

**In this case, "many people" refers to the author and... well... okay, just the author.

At some point, Steve earned his own talk show hosting gig. Luckily for Mr. Wilkos, he was able to spread figurative wings, and was not saddled with a shoddy knock-off of The Jerry Springer Show. No, instead dealing with topics like "My anorexic, cross-dressing, communist son has a drinking problem" his show deals with more serious topics... Okay, I actually have no idea what Mr. Wilkos' new(ish) show deals with, as daytime television often eludes me. A quick look at the website has given me a little taste, though. According to the ticker, I should call the show if I "know a teen that is roaming the streets," if I "need Steve to let someone have it," or if I "need help with an unsolved murder." Unfortunately, it provides a different phone number for each situation. As a result, I'm unsure what number to call to since I need Steve to let a teen roaming the streets have it because they are hiding information concerning an unsolved murder.

Now, it seems Steve has turned his talk show success into a quality endorsement opportunity. Why not? Egging people on to sell their gold seems like a natural transition from breaking up fights between pimps and prostitutes and facilitating talk show topics like "My obese, transvestite caddy can't read a green*", doesn't it? He's gone from serving as the muscle in some of the least civilized confrontations ever filmed to serving as a front man for something that seems like a swindle concocted by a certain Dutch super-villain. . (He loves go-ooooold.) That's only natural, right?

Right?

*This topic may not have been covered yet, but it's coming soon. It's a serious issue.

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