I just saw a television commercial for a prescription drug during which the following message flashed on the bottom of the screen: "See our ad in Home Cooking magazine.*" Is this really the best way to get people interested in your product? By giving them an assignment? Such ridiculousity** seems like an excellent start to yet another evening with Ms. Sony.
*Magazine name changed to protect the innocent... or because I can't remember it.
**It can be a real word if enough people accept it.
7 p.m. - CBS
It's time for Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, old-school style... Or at least the audio of it. Channel 4 on my television currently seems to be lacking a video feed. How long can one man stare at a blank television as the audio of Rudolph plays through the speakers... Sounds like a challenge.
7:01
This is kind of nice... must be like what life was like when people had to rely on the radio for broadcast entertainment.
7:02
Okay, apparently my eyes have some form of ADD, and I don't think this Pepsi sitting on my coffee table is helping anything. In a desperate attempt to find some sort of activity, they've now focused on the blinking light on my cable modem.
7:03
Whoa, look at that light go!
7:05
What's that? The video feed is back... and with that, my interest is gone.
7:09 - NBC
The Kansas Jayhawks are playing against New Mexico State University. Have I ever mentioned how much I love NMSU? No? Well, I've obviously never written while they've been competing against KU. Kansas is currently up six, the announcers are expressing their man-love for a certain Jayhawk, and I kind of feel like seeing how long I can keep my hand inside the toaster to divert my attention... Better change the channel.
7:15 - WGN
It's The Nutcracker... on ice! Obviously, given my history with frozen water, don't approve of the programming. I also don't understand why putting something "on ice" makes it infinitely more watchable to some people. Ice skating provides pretty much the same maneuverability as rollerblading, yet you don't hear about tickets being sold for The Nutcracker... at Ray's Roller Rink!
7:18 - CBS
When the creators of Rudolph made the young reindeer into the equivalent of an awkward teenager, I like to think they did it to give viewers something to relate to. If anyone reading this is a teen struggling with self-confidence, just remember, if you work really hard you too can someday pull an obese man around in a sled.*
*The Writings, motivating youth to achieve their dreams.
7:24 - Fox Sports
Am I the only one sick of seeing poker on every sports network? Isn't slapjack more of a sport than poker? At least there's a semblance of physical activity. When can I see the World Spoons Championship on ESPN?
7:26 - MTV
A 22-year-old named Vanessa is competing to be Paris Hilton's BFF. That's right, a cute female with a ton of her life in front of her is "competing" on a reality show to be the best friend of someone who is in the public eye only because her family has more money than Scrooge McDuck. Instead of having a chance of leading a normal life, she's been sucked in to the absurd "reality" that is Hollywood. It's time like this that I curse the inventor of the television.
7:31 - TLC
It's Jon & Kate plus 8. I can't make fun of this show... I actually like it. This is what a reality show should be. It doesn't involve shallow characters, stupid contests, or people continually trying to get wasted and score. It just gives you a peek into INTERESTING lives.
7:38 - truTV
A woman recounts the story of her husband being struck by lightning. Seconds later, the name of the program flashes on screen. The title? Most Shocking.
... I guess it's fitting... but good grief.
7:45 - A&E
The censor with his finger on the bleep button earns his paycheck on Dog the Bounty Hunter. After having a civil conversation (a.k.a., a volley of swear words that would make Dave Chappelle and the 1980s version of Eddie Murphy blush) with a distinguished (read: inebriated) individual, Dog treks off to find someone, but to no avail.
7:51 - Cartoon Network
It's Sinbad... but not the good one. This cartoon sailor has nothing on the comedian that hasn't really been relevant since the '90s.
...
We're back after a brief* intermission**. One that interrupted my Sinbad thought, which is a punishable offense in some states.
*Painfully long and nearly requiring the aid of Dog's bleeping censor.
**Writerspeak for a reminder that my laptop operates as reliably as a remote control constructed out of Playdough and jelly beans
8:14 - CMT
Once again, the word celebrity is being tossed around haphazardly. This time, the culprit is Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. When I see Dustin Diamond, Danny Bonaduce, and Butterbean, I can't say I'm star struck. On top of that, the wrestling "trainers" include Brian Knobbs and Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, who were never really known for their in-ring expertise. It seems the title should be changed to Hulk Hogan's Semi-notable Championship Jobbing.
8:21 - CBS
In case you were wondering, Ladies Love Cool James... That's right it's LL Cool J. Unfortunately, it's not in a program that involves Samuel L. Jackson being eaten by a shark in one of the oddest film events I've ever seen. Now he's basically just setting me up for disappointment.
8:25 - QVC
A woman is showing off how effective a vacuum can be in cleaning couch cushions, and mentions cleaning up after her dogs. She demonstrates on a cushion so caked with muck that looks as if it was recently excavated from an Egyptian tomb. Granted, the vacuum does a marvelous job in cleaning the cushion, but I'm a little concerned about the lady's dog at this point. What the heck is this mutt involved in if it's getting cushions that dirty?
8:33 - CNN
A commercial for a Barack Obama "victory plate" just mentioned how it features his "kind eyes." This begs the question, can other body parts exhibit personality traits. Someone may have "kind eyes," but what happens if they have "wicked ears?" What about "stubborn elbows?" I'm getting worried, and I haven't even brought up "lackadaisical lovehandles."
8:40 - Vh1
Young MC's "Bust a Move" is the current subject of dissection. I really enjoy the song, but there's one thing I've never understood. If my best friend Harry, has a brother Larry, and in five days he's going to marry, I know I'll make it there if I can, but why in the ceremony would I be the best man? After all, Larry isn't my best friend... Shouldn't he choose his brother for such an honor? Is there a riff between the two? Did Harry once date Larry's bride-to-be, and they're trying to avoid awkward situations?
... Should this type of stuff keep me awake at night?
I apologize to those readers unfamiliar with '90s hip hop. Odds are, you are wondering what the heck that last paragraph meant... Then again, odds are, this isn't this first time a Writing hasn't made any sense.
8:52 - TCM
I'm not sure what classic film this black-and-white motion picture is, but some guy with the largest nose I've ever seen just passed away in a dark alley... There's really nothing more to it than that... The guy's schnozz was just ridiculously large... It seemed notable at the time.
9:00 - CBS
A performance by Usher rings in the 2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. This program really provides no redeeming value whatsoever... Other than the fact that it contains nothing but scantily clad models and occasional bits of horrendous acting.
... This is a great show.
*Magazine name changed to protect the innocent... or because I can't remember it.
**It can be a real word if enough people accept it.
7 p.m. - CBS
It's time for Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, old-school style... Or at least the audio of it. Channel 4 on my television currently seems to be lacking a video feed. How long can one man stare at a blank television as the audio of Rudolph plays through the speakers... Sounds like a challenge.
7:01
This is kind of nice... must be like what life was like when people had to rely on the radio for broadcast entertainment.
7:02
Okay, apparently my eyes have some form of ADD, and I don't think this Pepsi sitting on my coffee table is helping anything. In a desperate attempt to find some sort of activity, they've now focused on the blinking light on my cable modem.
7:03
Whoa, look at that light go!
7:05
What's that? The video feed is back... and with that, my interest is gone.
7:09 - NBC
The Kansas Jayhawks are playing against New Mexico State University. Have I ever mentioned how much I love NMSU? No? Well, I've obviously never written while they've been competing against KU. Kansas is currently up six, the announcers are expressing their man-love for a certain Jayhawk, and I kind of feel like seeing how long I can keep my hand inside the toaster to divert my attention... Better change the channel.
7:15 - WGN
It's The Nutcracker... on ice! Obviously, given my history with frozen water, don't approve of the programming. I also don't understand why putting something "on ice" makes it infinitely more watchable to some people. Ice skating provides pretty much the same maneuverability as rollerblading, yet you don't hear about tickets being sold for The Nutcracker... at Ray's Roller Rink!
7:18 - CBS
When the creators of Rudolph made the young reindeer into the equivalent of an awkward teenager, I like to think they did it to give viewers something to relate to. If anyone reading this is a teen struggling with self-confidence, just remember, if you work really hard you too can someday pull an obese man around in a sled.*
*The Writings, motivating youth to achieve their dreams.
7:24 - Fox Sports
Am I the only one sick of seeing poker on every sports network? Isn't slapjack more of a sport than poker? At least there's a semblance of physical activity. When can I see the World Spoons Championship on ESPN?
7:26 - MTV
A 22-year-old named Vanessa is competing to be Paris Hilton's BFF. That's right, a cute female with a ton of her life in front of her is "competing" on a reality show to be the best friend of someone who is in the public eye only because her family has more money than Scrooge McDuck. Instead of having a chance of leading a normal life, she's been sucked in to the absurd "reality" that is Hollywood. It's time like this that I curse the inventor of the television.
7:31 - TLC
It's Jon & Kate plus 8. I can't make fun of this show... I actually like it. This is what a reality show should be. It doesn't involve shallow characters, stupid contests, or people continually trying to get wasted and score. It just gives you a peek into INTERESTING lives.
7:38 - truTV
A woman recounts the story of her husband being struck by lightning. Seconds later, the name of the program flashes on screen. The title? Most Shocking.
... I guess it's fitting... but good grief.
7:45 - A&E
The censor with his finger on the bleep button earns his paycheck on Dog the Bounty Hunter. After having a civil conversation (a.k.a., a volley of swear words that would make Dave Chappelle and the 1980s version of Eddie Murphy blush) with a distinguished (read: inebriated) individual, Dog treks off to find someone, but to no avail.
7:51 - Cartoon Network
It's Sinbad... but not the good one. This cartoon sailor has nothing on the comedian that hasn't really been relevant since the '90s.
...
We're back after a brief* intermission**. One that interrupted my Sinbad thought, which is a punishable offense in some states.
*Painfully long and nearly requiring the aid of Dog's bleeping censor.
**Writerspeak for a reminder that my laptop operates as reliably as a remote control constructed out of Playdough and jelly beans
8:14 - CMT
Once again, the word celebrity is being tossed around haphazardly. This time, the culprit is Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. When I see Dustin Diamond, Danny Bonaduce, and Butterbean, I can't say I'm star struck. On top of that, the wrestling "trainers" include Brian Knobbs and Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, who were never really known for their in-ring expertise. It seems the title should be changed to Hulk Hogan's Semi-notable Championship Jobbing.
8:21 - CBS
In case you were wondering, Ladies Love Cool James... That's right it's LL Cool J. Unfortunately, it's not in a program that involves Samuel L. Jackson being eaten by a shark in one of the oddest film events I've ever seen. Now he's basically just setting me up for disappointment.
8:25 - QVC
A woman is showing off how effective a vacuum can be in cleaning couch cushions, and mentions cleaning up after her dogs. She demonstrates on a cushion so caked with muck that looks as if it was recently excavated from an Egyptian tomb. Granted, the vacuum does a marvelous job in cleaning the cushion, but I'm a little concerned about the lady's dog at this point. What the heck is this mutt involved in if it's getting cushions that dirty?
8:33 - CNN
A commercial for a Barack Obama "victory plate" just mentioned how it features his "kind eyes." This begs the question, can other body parts exhibit personality traits. Someone may have "kind eyes," but what happens if they have "wicked ears?" What about "stubborn elbows?" I'm getting worried, and I haven't even brought up "lackadaisical lovehandles."
8:40 - Vh1
Young MC's "Bust a Move" is the current subject of dissection. I really enjoy the song, but there's one thing I've never understood. If my best friend Harry, has a brother Larry, and in five days he's going to marry, I know I'll make it there if I can, but why in the ceremony would I be the best man? After all, Larry isn't my best friend... Shouldn't he choose his brother for such an honor? Is there a riff between the two? Did Harry once date Larry's bride-to-be, and they're trying to avoid awkward situations?
... Should this type of stuff keep me awake at night?
I apologize to those readers unfamiliar with '90s hip hop. Odds are, you are wondering what the heck that last paragraph meant... Then again, odds are, this isn't this first time a Writing hasn't made any sense.
8:52 - TCM
I'm not sure what classic film this black-and-white motion picture is, but some guy with the largest nose I've ever seen just passed away in a dark alley... There's really nothing more to it than that... The guy's schnozz was just ridiculously large... It seemed notable at the time.
9:00 - CBS
A performance by Usher rings in the 2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. This program really provides no redeeming value whatsoever... Other than the fact that it contains nothing but scantily clad models and occasional bits of horrendous acting.
... This is a great show.
1 comment:
"Lackadaisical lovehandles...? what a riot.... almost as good as anorexic squirrels with glacoma....
Victoria's Secret fashion show.... I kept waiting for the punch line like a costume breakdown or a trip on the stairs but it never came.... but I guess I missed the point(s)?
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