A pair of very astute (read: related to me) readers recently clued me into a television show they think I have been missing out on. Being (the only?) two readers of these Writings, they are well aware of how much I enjoy horrible television. It's an interest that helped lead a series of "Bad Movie Nights" among my roommates in college. (No, believe it or not, those did not impress many of the female variety.) These days, it leads to an odd sense of excitement whenever I come across a new Sci Fi Original movie. This new program, they promised, would assuage my appetite for barely watchable television.
By now, you're curious (unless "you" suggested I watch the program... and we have already established that, odds are, you did... Well, pretend to act surprised.), just what television show could this be. Well, the title pretty much gives you a valid first impression - MTV's Bromance.
Let's join it in progress...
The opening- Apparently becoming Brody's "bro" is the "ultimate challenge." (Take that astronauts, firefighters, cancer researchers, and others who thought you might be making a difference. )I also learned that Brody has a self-described "sick-ass pad." The adjectives "lame-ass" and "hot-ass" are also tossed in... I think I can feel my brain trying to ooze out my ears to end this misery already.
3-minutes in- The four finalists (two guys who sound like they got lost on their way home from Fenway park; a short and somewhat nerdy (cough*pot, meet kettle*cough) kid, and a Nigerian nursing student) are headed to meet Brody at a spa... Quite an impressive premise. I'm pretty sure this could be a script for a feature film. Amazing.
4-minutes in- Brody (real name: Sam Brody Jenner... What, Sammance doesn't have the same ring as Bromance?) has a prank going on the potential "bros" where he's going to have them wear some "lame-ass" jeans (featuring sparkles, rhinestones, flower designs and patches of unicorn fur*) out on a red carpet... My mind is overloaded with potential comments here, but I think my main question is, "What in the name of the decathalon has Brody Jenner done to be somewhere with a red carpet gathering? Are they just going to hang out in a carpet store for a bit?"
*I may have made one of those up.
After the first commercial break- Fresh off a very awkward waxing session at the spa, it's time for these four misguided souls to try on their fancy new jeans. The end result looks like some odd combination of The Village People and the Fabulous Freebirds.
Although every contestant vying to be the groupie of a guy with no talent hates the look of these ridiculous outfits, the first three compromise their values (and self-respect... and argue against the idea that they're anything but rhinestone-studded sheep) and tell Jenner that they really like the look. Bro #4 seemingly has a religious experience after witnessing his reflection while wearing jeans tight enough to make Richard Simmons blush and riding lower than most tricycles. He proceeds to change his clothes (and provide hope for mankind).
Back from break #2- Brody convinces his actual "homies" (two non-competing friends) to help out with the prank and also dress up like guys in their 20s who accidentally did their shopping in the petite girls section at The Gap... It's good to know that Brody doesn't have to have a contest everytime he wants a friend, but he may reach that point if he keeps having his friends do this stuff.
Bro4 loses any chance he had at earning my respect, as he goes back on his comments against the Little Miss Brody collection and wears the sparkly wardrobe to the red carpet event. Soon after, all potential bros do their best Bruce Lee impersonations on the red carpet, showing off some kung fu actions and generally looking absurd. If one hadn't figured out by now that these guys might not be the greenest trees in the forest, this revelation becomes abundantly clear when none of them question why the "red carpet" in question appears to be little more than some red wrapping paper rolled out on the ground. Other clues that might have alerted a competent person that something was awry include the fact that there was no one else on the red carpet... at all. It was a couple fake "media" folk and that's it.
Back from break #3- The cat is out of the bag and the "funny-ass" prank is revealed. An abundance of fake laughter follows and I suddenly feel like I missed a really funny joke... Then I remembered what I was watching. Bro4 apparently wins this challenge, since he was "real," and gets to wear clothes that wear slightly less ridiculous during a night on the town. Bros1-3, on the other hand, are off to put the moves on some single (probably) ladies while dressed up like Miley Cyrus fans.
32 minutes in- Bro4 continues to do his best to cement his spot as one of the most ridiculous people ever, saying he's not on Bromance to compete and win, but to find friendship. Isn't that kind of like bow-hunting to find a pet?
Back from break #4- It's time for another challenge. Brody invites the guys over individually to spend some time with a couple models from Playboy. Apparently social awkwardness is a requirement for being a "bro." Being a veteran of socially awkward situations, I can sniff such situations out, even through television. Believe it or not, intelligent conversation is not prevalent during this portion of the show. While watching this painful scene, I once thought I may have heard, "So what do you think of Obama's cabinet selections?" but it turns out it was just a drawn out utterance of the word "dude."
Back from break #5- The short, nerdy potential bro (SNBP, as we'll affectionately call him) wins the challenge and spends some time with the girls in a hot tub as a result. Remember the last paragraph when we were talking about social awkwardness? Strike that from your memory, as this pretty much renders the term "socially awkward" moot. I think it's now called SNBP.
The elimination takes place at the counter of a Chinese restaurant, and Brody begins it by saying that he wanted the guys to experience "all the BS" in Hollywood in the challenges that day(?... week? This program is so bad I have lost any notion of how time is passing. For all I know, an electro-magnetic storm could have enveloped my home in negatively-charged energy and I could be traveling backward through time*)... I wonder if he's talking about the fact that someone with no discernable talent is labeled a celebrity and has people who appreciate empty lifestyles lining up to be his friend... That Hollywood BS?
*I am no physicist... I pretty much pieced words together there. If it makes no semblance of sense, I apologize.
Back from break #6- The elimination proceedings are in full force and SNBP claims that the two potential bros with thick New England accents have formed a clique. Insert dramatic music here. (Then insert a montage of all the different Boston accents you can think of. Then insert one of them as my replacement to view this show next week.) Things carry on, and the elimination is down to the Boston bros. It's like we're in the middle of a Damon-Affleck movie. The show ends with the loser being tossed out of the restaurant and losing his opportunity at "Bromance."
Little does he realize he now has a chance to actually do something with his life.
By now, you're curious (unless "you" suggested I watch the program... and we have already established that, odds are, you did... Well, pretend to act surprised.), just what television show could this be. Well, the title pretty much gives you a valid first impression - MTV's Bromance.
Let's join it in progress...
The opening- Apparently becoming Brody's "bro" is the "ultimate challenge." (Take that astronauts, firefighters, cancer researchers, and others who thought you might be making a difference. )I also learned that Brody has a self-described "sick-ass pad." The adjectives "lame-ass" and "hot-ass" are also tossed in... I think I can feel my brain trying to ooze out my ears to end this misery already.
3-minutes in- The four finalists (two guys who sound like they got lost on their way home from Fenway park; a short and somewhat nerdy (cough*pot, meet kettle*cough) kid, and a Nigerian nursing student) are headed to meet Brody at a spa... Quite an impressive premise. I'm pretty sure this could be a script for a feature film. Amazing.
4-minutes in- Brody (real name: Sam Brody Jenner... What, Sammance doesn't have the same ring as Bromance?) has a prank going on the potential "bros" where he's going to have them wear some "lame-ass" jeans (featuring sparkles, rhinestones, flower designs and patches of unicorn fur*) out on a red carpet... My mind is overloaded with potential comments here, but I think my main question is, "What in the name of the decathalon has Brody Jenner done to be somewhere with a red carpet gathering? Are they just going to hang out in a carpet store for a bit?"
*I may have made one of those up.
After the first commercial break- Fresh off a very awkward waxing session at the spa, it's time for these four misguided souls to try on their fancy new jeans. The end result looks like some odd combination of The Village People and the Fabulous Freebirds.
Although every contestant vying to be the groupie of a guy with no talent hates the look of these ridiculous outfits, the first three compromise their values (and self-respect... and argue against the idea that they're anything but rhinestone-studded sheep) and tell Jenner that they really like the look. Bro #4 seemingly has a religious experience after witnessing his reflection while wearing jeans tight enough to make Richard Simmons blush and riding lower than most tricycles. He proceeds to change his clothes (and provide hope for mankind).
Back from break #2- Brody convinces his actual "homies" (two non-competing friends) to help out with the prank and also dress up like guys in their 20s who accidentally did their shopping in the petite girls section at The Gap... It's good to know that Brody doesn't have to have a contest everytime he wants a friend, but he may reach that point if he keeps having his friends do this stuff.
Bro4 loses any chance he had at earning my respect, as he goes back on his comments against the Little Miss Brody collection and wears the sparkly wardrobe to the red carpet event. Soon after, all potential bros do their best Bruce Lee impersonations on the red carpet, showing off some kung fu actions and generally looking absurd. If one hadn't figured out by now that these guys might not be the greenest trees in the forest, this revelation becomes abundantly clear when none of them question why the "red carpet" in question appears to be little more than some red wrapping paper rolled out on the ground. Other clues that might have alerted a competent person that something was awry include the fact that there was no one else on the red carpet... at all. It was a couple fake "media" folk and that's it.
Back from break #3- The cat is out of the bag and the "funny-ass" prank is revealed. An abundance of fake laughter follows and I suddenly feel like I missed a really funny joke... Then I remembered what I was watching. Bro4 apparently wins this challenge, since he was "real," and gets to wear clothes that wear slightly less ridiculous during a night on the town. Bros1-3, on the other hand, are off to put the moves on some single (probably) ladies while dressed up like Miley Cyrus fans.
32 minutes in- Bro4 continues to do his best to cement his spot as one of the most ridiculous people ever, saying he's not on Bromance to compete and win, but to find friendship. Isn't that kind of like bow-hunting to find a pet?
Back from break #4- It's time for another challenge. Brody invites the guys over individually to spend some time with a couple models from Playboy. Apparently social awkwardness is a requirement for being a "bro." Being a veteran of socially awkward situations, I can sniff such situations out, even through television. Believe it or not, intelligent conversation is not prevalent during this portion of the show. While watching this painful scene, I once thought I may have heard, "So what do you think of Obama's cabinet selections?" but it turns out it was just a drawn out utterance of the word "dude."
Back from break #5- The short, nerdy potential bro (SNBP, as we'll affectionately call him) wins the challenge and spends some time with the girls in a hot tub as a result. Remember the last paragraph when we were talking about social awkwardness? Strike that from your memory, as this pretty much renders the term "socially awkward" moot. I think it's now called SNBP.
The elimination takes place at the counter of a Chinese restaurant, and Brody begins it by saying that he wanted the guys to experience "all the BS" in Hollywood in the challenges that day(?... week? This program is so bad I have lost any notion of how time is passing. For all I know, an electro-magnetic storm could have enveloped my home in negatively-charged energy and I could be traveling backward through time*)... I wonder if he's talking about the fact that someone with no discernable talent is labeled a celebrity and has people who appreciate empty lifestyles lining up to be his friend... That Hollywood BS?
*I am no physicist... I pretty much pieced words together there. If it makes no semblance of sense, I apologize.
Back from break #6- The elimination proceedings are in full force and SNBP claims that the two potential bros with thick New England accents have formed a clique. Insert dramatic music here. (Then insert a montage of all the different Boston accents you can think of. Then insert one of them as my replacement to view this show next week.) Things carry on, and the elimination is down to the Boston bros. It's like we're in the middle of a Damon-Affleck movie. The show ends with the loser being tossed out of the restaurant and losing his opportunity at "Bromance."
Little does he realize he now has a chance to actually do something with his life.
1 comment:
Brody Jenner.... hummmm
Any relatiion to Bruce Jenner who is associated with that show about the family of hot chicks (he married the mother) who think we all want to watch their lives play out on tv. Oh and he did do something athletic. What was it?
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