An examination of this collection of writings shows that it has been much too long since the Kansas City Royals have been a topic of discussion. Such omission is simply inexcusable, as I’ve yet to comment on the sweet swing of Billy Butler, or the bullpen that has turned into a team strength. Tonight, we fix that. Thanks to the wonder of television, we’ll hit the high points as the game goes along.
Royals vs. Yankees, July 25, 2007
Pregame – Big news regarding now ex-Royal Scott Elarton (… wait, it felt really good saying that. Let me try again – EX-Royal Scott Elarton… very nice) as he was released earlier today, after getting hit harder last night than most of Mike Tyson’s early opponents. In examining the move, manager Buddy Bell says that it’s hard to let someone go with high character like Elarton. I know a lot of people with high character… they haven’t been signed to big-league contracts.
Tonight, Gil Meche takes the mound for KC - a team needing a good showing on the mound, after Elarton’s hitting tee impersonation on Tuesday.
Top of the 1st – A pair of runners on base for Alex Rodriguez… not exactly an ideal first-inning situation. Rodriguez hears a chorus of boos on his way to the plate… I guess there must be several Yankee fans in attendance. Rodriguez has 34 home runs. The Royals’ team record for homers in a season is 36… Did I mention it’s July? Fortunately, the best shortstop-playing-third-base in the majors doesn’t get his fly ball out of the infield – two down. A fly-out by Hideki Matsui (a.k.a., Godzilla) ends the threat.
Mid-1st, VH1 – What’cha gonna do when Hulk Hogan heats up leftovers, brotha? Now he’s attempting poetry… After watching Idiocracy earlier this evening, I’m glad the Hulkster could fill my culture quotient.
Bottom of the 1st – Former-Royal Johnny Damon stands in left field for the Yankees. Damon is widely known for having one of the worst outfield arms in the league. In simple terms, the Royals should put up a big traffic light that turns green any time a ball is hit Damon’s direction. In other news, the Royals go down 1-2-3.
Top 2nd – A clip prior to the first batter of the inning advertises the Royals’ new all-you-can-eat seats, showing a man wearing a Calvin Pickering jersey heading toward the concession. Pickering was an overweight first-baseman who could never make it for the Royals… Is there irony in this advertisement?
RANDOM TANGENT REGARDING OBSCURE JERSEYS
A social outing last night resulted in the observation of a guy in his 20s wearing a J.J. Stokes jersey… in public. For those unaware, Stokes was a wide receiver out of UCLA that was hyped to be a future star and the new John Taylor to play opposite Jerry Rice in San Francisco. This was in 1995, and the hype lasted a few seasons, when people realized that being tall doesn’t mean you will be a good NFL receiver. Stokes last played for the 49ers in 2002… so this guy must be hoping for a big-time comeback from the former Bruin… keep waiting.
D’oh… a Melky “don’t call me Milky, I wasn’t in Me, Myself and Irene” Cabrera homer puts the Yanks up 2-0.
Bottom 2nd – A phone call discussing some of the Little Apple’s finest eating establishments of all time (yo queiro Amigos) distracts the author from his writing for a bit, but such subject cannot be tabled once brought up. A pair of Royal runners is stranded when John Buck flies out to deep left field… Stupid lack of wind.
Top 3rd – Either Meche has turned into a street corner human-statue act, or RSTN is experiencing technical difficulties. We’re back to seeing actual live movement (always a good thing in a broadcast sporting event) just in time to see a smooth double-play by Esteban German and Tony Pena, Jr. German may get knocked for his defense at 2B, but his backhand flip there was highlight-worthy. He certainly doesn’t make me long for the Jed Hansen days.
Bottom 3rd – Former third-baseman-now-rightfielder-but-occasional-first-baseman-or-centerfielder Mark Teahen is at the plate, with two out and German on first. He flies out to Abreu in rightfield, obviously just trying to remind himself of where he needs to go play when the Royals are back on defense.
Top 4th – Oh boy, it’s time for the Aflac duck to ask a question, which Paul Splittorff and Bob Davis promptly try to spoil by tossing out all their guesses for the solution. Would Alex Trebek ever toss out possible answers-in-the-form-of-questions on Jeopardy? Give the viewers a chance to think, fellas. Thankfully, they don’t have much time to discuss, as Meche disposes of three Yankee batters in eight pitches.
Bottom 4th – Billy Butler leads off the inning, batting in the cleanup spot. The 21-year-old is well on his way to cementing himself as the best hitter on the roster. Naturally, Butler strikes out this at-bat, because my predictions always backfire. As a result, I decline to comment on the following batter Ross Gload. The result? A double to right-center. Is my rooting the source of all that has plagued the Royals in recent years? I’d consider such an idea more seriously if the image of a lineup with Neifi Perez and Chuck Knoblauch was not imbedded in my mind. Another pair of runners is stranded with Buck at the plate… the Buck stopped there (sorry, I had to meet my bad pun quota).
Top 5th – Paul and Bob were going on and on in pregame about Royals fans being too hard on Elarton, yet they just mentioned that Damon had been to the plate four times by this point in the game last night… Isn’t the mere reference to stats from last night’s contest “being too hard” on Elarton? Meanwhile, Meche tosses another perfect inning.
Mid-5th FOX– Wayne Brady is now hosting “Don’t Forget the Lyrics.” Couldn’t he have just made a series out of his skit on Chappelle’s Show? Or what about the improv with Ryan Stiles? Has that well run dry? Instead he cracks poor jokes while people who shouldn’t make singing a common practice croon Barry Manilow lyrics.
Bottom 5th – A runner on first quickly turns into an inning-ending double play… All while I try to get Mr. Manilow’s lyrics out of my head.
Top 6th – For all the hubbub made of Meche’s contract in the off-season, he’s been a much better value thus far than San Francisco’s $126 million-dollar man, Barry Zito. Naturally, no one could talk of THAT absurd signing in the off-season, because if you mentioned the Giants, you were required to mention any and every word that came out of Barry Bonds’ mouth… Me? Bitter? No…
Ho-hum… Meche feeds on the Yankee batters like a chubby kid eating Oreo pudding at Bonanza.
Bottom 6th – Unfortunately, the KC batters are taking the same route the aforementioned western-themed buffet took in Manhattan. Dropping much too quickly. Gload picks up a two-out double, and outfielder Reggie Sanders follows. Sanders, the subject of multiple trade rumors and veteran currently on his eighth major league squad, singles to score Gload. Somewhere general manager Dayton Moore smiles as the 39-year-old’s trade value increases. A pitching change and an out follow, but the lead has been sliced in half, 2-1.
Between innings – Continued attempts to “Simpsonize” myself are thwarted as the web site is too busy. I just want to get one-step closer to having a Spiderpig… Is that too much to ask?
Top 7th – The natural order of things I root for reminds me that I’ve gotten too cocky regarding Meche’s pitching tonight, as he gives up two hits to start the inning. A sacrifice bunt sees Buck throw out the batter from the seat of his pants… the Buck sits there (I’ll stop, I really will). Melky picks up another RBI before Meche ends the inning. Yanks up, 3-1.
Mid-7th Comedy Central – The South Park episode where the kids get addicted to World of Warcraft is airing. As someone who had heard plenty of the MMORPG (don’t ask) talk while browsing in video game stores, I must laugh at the accuracy of such depictions.
Bottom 7th – Scott Proctor has taken the mound for NY. If he really wants to catch on in the majors, he should start calling himself Lieutenant, and demand that G.W. Harris (a.k.a. Captain Harris) be hired as his pitching coach. After all, we all know that six Police Academy movies were not enough. (NOTE – apparently folks in Hollywood actually believed that, as there was a 7th movie released… thank you for your infinite move wisdom, www.imdb.com).
KC getting runners on first and second leads to Mike Myers (not the Canadian comedian, not the mass murderer, the submarine pitcher) getting the call to the hill. A Teahen fly-out means the Royals have stranded more people than JetBlue tonight (Stating the Obvious – your one-stop shop for timely jokes).
Between innings – Apparently someone named Lindsey Lohan recently got her second DUI… Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either. Thankfully the media never blows things out of proportion.
Top 8th – For the 37th time we’re reminded that Rodriguez and Meche were teammates in Seattle. Meanwhile, I wonder if former Mariner/Royal Mac Suzuki sheds a tear not hearing his name mentioned with his former ‘mates. My pondering notion ends harshly, as Rodriguez wins the battle of the former teammates, pulverizing a baseball beyond the right-centerfield wall. Keep an eye on this Rodriguez kid… I think he may end up making something of himself in this league.
Meche’s night ends, having surrendered five runs, which means his success in the middle innings will be lost in the shuffle. Nevertheless, his outing would look much better if had some semblance of run-support.
Jimmy Gobble faces Mothra’s archenemy, and suffers the same fate as so many extras in the film – a severe crushing. Where in the world is Rodan when you need him?
Looks like Gobble is not the answer tonight, as the Yanks exit the inning with a 7-1 advantage.
Bottom 8th – A number of depressing thoughts drift through my head as I watch Butler and Gload go down to start the inning. The most prominent thought concerns the “kiss of death” I have given Butler by picking him up on both my fantasy baseball teams. I may as well sneak into his locker and replace all his bats with hula-hoops.
Top 9th – The RSTN camera pans to show all the scouts watching KC’s potentially trade-able players… Let’s just say there’s a reason these folks are scouts and not holding roles that are physically demanding. Reliever Octavio Dotel escapes trouble after allowing the first two batters to reach base. The scouts exit upon the end of his appearance. You mean they didn’t come to see reserve shortstop Jason Smith?
Bottom 9th – Mariano Rivera comes on to attempt to close out the 7-1 lead. Luckily, Rivera has never been much in tight situations like this (wow, you can actually FEEL the sarcasm in that sentence). With two outs, Jason Smith makes his name known, dropping a single into left and then swiping second (unopposed). That will show those scouts. The final is 7-1, as David DeJesus ends the game with a roller to first.
My return to Royals writing didn’t turn out to be as rosy as hoped, but I still must stress that the team is headed in the right direction. If the KC offense would end its vow to never give Meche run-support, this game could be completely different. Look for the bats to get going with Kei Igawa and his 6.67 ERA on the mound on Thursday night. And if they don’t? Well, it’s probably my fault.
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