I must apologize to you, my loyal reader(s)... You know who you are.
I'm not apologizing for wasting your time, or for making you further ponder the unexplainable thoughts that invade my head. Those apologies are implied.
Apparently common practice in "web logs" is linking to things that you - as the author - played no part in creating. Yet, here I've been constantly paying homage to thoughts and ideas that would not be published (and probably would not exist at all) if it weren't for the control center of my central nervous system.
It is time to rectify this severe misgiving - and we'll do so with the help of wondrous online video library found at YouTube. What follows are videos that receive the 'DL Guarantee.' If you don't feel more like Derek Larson after viewing these videos, you get your pizza free (guarantee void in Oklahoma).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C6KX-2HX1o - No matter how many times you've seen it, it's a must-watch for any K-State fan. Not only is it an outstanding summation of the greatest night in K-State football history, but it features the musical styling of Mr. Right Said Fred... If that's not a mind-boggling combination, I'm not sure what is. And yet, it works.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIUu-nLx0lw - While we're on the subject of K-State football, I have to give some props to one of the newest members of the Green Bay Packers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMrPjl-927Q - The best in-game dunk ever... Please convince me otherwise.
... Sorry, I realize some of you don't appreciate sports (thanks, blog poll).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydpl0bgL_Kw - A long lost Chris Farley classic. After watching it again, I'm thinking I might head to the mall with an orange in hand this weekend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOiVaE-pKqM - Basically the greatest music video ever created. You can have your choreography and your "bling"... I'll take a lip-synching Chevy Chase, thank you.
ALERT!
Apparently the video library found at the aforementioned Tube of You has been pillaged like a-
ALERT! v2.0
Apparently my laptop has a drinking problem, because it tends to stop functioning entirely and black out at times. The most recent of these incidents (my laptop hates that term, and swears it has control over the situation... I'm kind of worried it might make a scene the next time I take it out in public) occurred as I was typing the last sentence about YouTube's library. The point of that very sentence was that several videos I had viewed on that very site at previous times have now been removed, apparently due to copyright issues.
Now, instead of watching videos featuring events like "The Pine Tar Incident" and Conan O'Brien's trip to Ireland, I have to enroll my computer in AA... and I better do it soon, because I think it just winked at my television. When questioned about it, my laptop challenged me to a fight... We may have a long road to travel.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Stating the Obvious - Observations from the Park
Here's a bit of breaking news*: I am a lazy guy.
*For all intents and purposes, in this space, "breaking news" refers to things that have already been established... over and over again.
There are a number of evenings where walking the 10.2 feet from my couch to my fridge counts as "activity."
Because I oft find myself in a state of such torpor, I'm trying to make it a point to get out and walk or jog through the park when the weather permits. On this very evening, I took a walk around the park, because the weather was very pleasant... and because I really despise jogging.
The nice thing about a trip around the park is that it can be whatever you want it to be. It can be a workout (sorry, not interested); it can be a date (sorry... now I'm depressing myself); or it can be an opportunity to simply observe (we have a winner).
Luckily for my curious eyes, I was presented with a number of intriguing subjects on this trek. What follows is an examination of a few of the members of the roster of fellow parkgoers.
The Tie/Cap Combo Guy-
I'm cheating a bit here, because I actually saw this guy during my walk to the park. Nonetheless, the impression he had was the same.
I do not understand the idea behind wearing a shirt-and-tie, but then topping it off with a baseball cap (a.k.a., dressing business super-casual). My best guess is that he who has adorned himself in such a way is trying to send the message, "Yes sir, I'm all business... but I'm willing to have a catch if you want to."
The only other feasible option I see is that Mr. Super Casual just tossed the hat on to cap off (play on words... yes!) a rough work day. This brings to mind the obvious question, is a baseball cap manufactured with secret materials that promote relaxation and/or fun? (Dejected worker: "Oh my. Work was horrendous. I'm not sure I can take another day of this s-" [cap placed securely on head] "-Wow, life is great! Who wants to go fly a kite?") If one makes it a point to toss their cap on as they walk out the door, doesn't there have to be some sort of explanation for this action? Can someone look into this?
The Casual Walker... IN DISGUISE
I cannot question the thoughts of the casual walker, because if a census were taken where one had to describe his or her reasoning for visiting said park, I would fall in the aforementioned casual walker category.*
*Believe it or not, I do not walk down to the park solely to attempt to drink out of the poor excuse for a water fountain. You know, the one that distributes water that is roughly the same temperature as a cup of coffee that has been sitting long enough for the cream to start smelling, and dispenses it in a manner that most closely resembles a bathtub slowly overflowing.
The mindset that I do not understand is that of the DISGUISED (all capital letters signify your cue to imagine dramatic music (of the 'dun dun dunnnnnnn' sort) playing right after that word) casual walker. Allow me to explain...
For this walk around the park, I dressed in athletic shorts and a T-shirt. Such a wardrobe gives the impression that I could actually be there to work out - That I could actually have sweat beads forming on my forehead because I just finished a jog (instead of having them form as a result of my self-diagnosed hyperhydrosis). It seems that most parkgoers that fall in either the workout or casual walker category will dress themselves (well, hopefully they can dress themselves) in a similar manner.
Nevertheless, upon my arrival at the park I found myself walking being a guy wearing khaki shorts, a cap advertising a store that sells hunting/camping/fishing equipment, and a backpack. Because of his dress, I made the assumption that he was heading home from campus. The fact that he made one left turn on the park sidewalk did little to change my mind... but the second left turn (meaning he was now walking north when he was originally walking south) made me realize that he was on the same journey as me.... He, too, was walking 'round the park in a casual manner. I thought to myself, "Why didn't I wear khaki shorts and a backpack on this walk." Then I remembered that I enjoy being comfortable.
Next time that casual walker goes for a disguise, I hope he at least considers a fake mustache.
The Corner-Cutter
As I've already beaten into submission, several of those who venture to the park do so for either recreational or casual purposes. In either case, the concept of cutting corners seems to make little sense. Nevertheless, I encountered a girl doing just that tonight - choosing to cut across the grass in a diagonal manner once she came within about 10 yards of a corner.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong (I don't know how you can correct me... Do I have to think of everything around here?), but if you were at the park to workout via your own free will and your goal was to walk around the park X times, there would not really be a point to cutting corners and cheating no one but yourself (unless you have a horrible memory... "I'll think I met my goal later on... Sucker!"). On the other hand, if you're walking around the park simply to enjoy the weather/sights/sounds/people driving by and staring at you as if they're at a zoo, then cutting corners seems to make even less sense.
The only reasonable conclusion I can conjure for this female's unwillingness to approach the corners of the park is that, as a child, she once heard someone speak of a dead body being taken to a coroner. Unfortunately, she heard the statement wrong and thought they said "corner." As a result, she developed a phobia relating to any and every corner, thinking that corpses will be waiting for her. Such a fear makes driving difficult ("Another corner???"), geometry impossible, and can even affect the ability to sing children's songs (singing: "My hat, it has three... NOOOOOO!").
This concludes our examination of a few of those you may encounter at the park. Feel free to keep this guide handy upon your next trip.
*For all intents and purposes, in this space, "breaking news" refers to things that have already been established... over and over again.
There are a number of evenings where walking the 10.2 feet from my couch to my fridge counts as "activity."
Because I oft find myself in a state of such torpor, I'm trying to make it a point to get out and walk or jog through the park when the weather permits. On this very evening, I took a walk around the park, because the weather was very pleasant... and because I really despise jogging.
The nice thing about a trip around the park is that it can be whatever you want it to be. It can be a workout (sorry, not interested); it can be a date (sorry... now I'm depressing myself); or it can be an opportunity to simply observe (we have a winner).
Luckily for my curious eyes, I was presented with a number of intriguing subjects on this trek. What follows is an examination of a few of the members of the roster of fellow parkgoers.
The Tie/Cap Combo Guy-
I'm cheating a bit here, because I actually saw this guy during my walk to the park. Nonetheless, the impression he had was the same.
I do not understand the idea behind wearing a shirt-and-tie, but then topping it off with a baseball cap (a.k.a., dressing business super-casual). My best guess is that he who has adorned himself in such a way is trying to send the message, "Yes sir, I'm all business... but I'm willing to have a catch if you want to."
The only other feasible option I see is that Mr. Super Casual just tossed the hat on to cap off (play on words... yes!) a rough work day. This brings to mind the obvious question, is a baseball cap manufactured with secret materials that promote relaxation and/or fun? (Dejected worker: "Oh my. Work was horrendous. I'm not sure I can take another day of this s-" [cap placed securely on head] "-Wow, life is great! Who wants to go fly a kite?") If one makes it a point to toss their cap on as they walk out the door, doesn't there have to be some sort of explanation for this action? Can someone look into this?
The Casual Walker... IN DISGUISE
I cannot question the thoughts of the casual walker, because if a census were taken where one had to describe his or her reasoning for visiting said park, I would fall in the aforementioned casual walker category.*
*Believe it or not, I do not walk down to the park solely to attempt to drink out of the poor excuse for a water fountain. You know, the one that distributes water that is roughly the same temperature as a cup of coffee that has been sitting long enough for the cream to start smelling, and dispenses it in a manner that most closely resembles a bathtub slowly overflowing.
The mindset that I do not understand is that of the DISGUISED (all capital letters signify your cue to imagine dramatic music (of the 'dun dun dunnnnnnn' sort) playing right after that word) casual walker. Allow me to explain...
For this walk around the park, I dressed in athletic shorts and a T-shirt. Such a wardrobe gives the impression that I could actually be there to work out - That I could actually have sweat beads forming on my forehead because I just finished a jog (instead of having them form as a result of my self-diagnosed hyperhydrosis). It seems that most parkgoers that fall in either the workout or casual walker category will dress themselves (well, hopefully they can dress themselves) in a similar manner.
Nevertheless, upon my arrival at the park I found myself walking being a guy wearing khaki shorts, a cap advertising a store that sells hunting/camping/fishing equipment, and a backpack. Because of his dress, I made the assumption that he was heading home from campus. The fact that he made one left turn on the park sidewalk did little to change my mind... but the second left turn (meaning he was now walking north when he was originally walking south) made me realize that he was on the same journey as me.... He, too, was walking 'round the park in a casual manner. I thought to myself, "Why didn't I wear khaki shorts and a backpack on this walk." Then I remembered that I enjoy being comfortable.
Next time that casual walker goes for a disguise, I hope he at least considers a fake mustache.
The Corner-Cutter
As I've already beaten into submission, several of those who venture to the park do so for either recreational or casual purposes. In either case, the concept of cutting corners seems to make little sense. Nevertheless, I encountered a girl doing just that tonight - choosing to cut across the grass in a diagonal manner once she came within about 10 yards of a corner.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong (I don't know how you can correct me... Do I have to think of everything around here?), but if you were at the park to workout via your own free will and your goal was to walk around the park X times, there would not really be a point to cutting corners and cheating no one but yourself (unless you have a horrible memory... "I'll think I met my goal later on... Sucker!"). On the other hand, if you're walking around the park simply to enjoy the weather/sights/sounds/people driving by and staring at you as if they're at a zoo, then cutting corners seems to make even less sense.
The only reasonable conclusion I can conjure for this female's unwillingness to approach the corners of the park is that, as a child, she once heard someone speak of a dead body being taken to a coroner. Unfortunately, she heard the statement wrong and thought they said "corner." As a result, she developed a phobia relating to any and every corner, thinking that corpses will be waiting for her. Such a fear makes driving difficult ("Another corner???"), geometry impossible, and can even affect the ability to sing children's songs (singing: "My hat, it has three... NOOOOOO!").
This concludes our examination of a few of those you may encounter at the park. Feel free to keep this guide handy upon your next trip.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Draft-y Day
"With the fifth pick in the NFL Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select..."
In mere hours, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will begin a sentence with this very phrase (unless, of course, the Chiefs trade the pick... but that would render this entire opening moot, so I'm going to ignore such an idea for now). How Mr. Goodell ends this sentence is anyone's guess.
The Chiefs - a team so adored by its fans that the ending of the National Anthem is modified each game, just to remind everyone that the team resides in the U.S.A. - are in the process of "rebuilding," meaning the focus in developing young players and having your team success rely on how quickly the players improve. In professional sports, rebuilding can be a slow process, at times taking several years to see any sort of results (see: Royals, Kansas City; 1995-2008). It is because of these failures, that "rebuilding" can be viewed as a derogatory term by some fans (Holy rebuilding!).
The idea that the Chiefs plan to build a successful team via the draft is an interesting one, since the team's draft history isn't exactly one that you'd find in How to Succeed as an NFL GM (look for it on bookshelves soon). For every Derrick Thomas the Chiefs have brought in, there's been a Trezelle Jenkins (who's greatest impact for KC may have been giving me a spectacular bust to refer to in this very blog).
At this point, the Chiefs have 13 picks to use (or blow) in the seven rounds stretched over this weekend and my interest is piqued as to how successful (or failful ... I know, just go with it) the Chiefs can be with these picks. To waste time until my reaction to the Chiefs first pick is "YES," "meh," or "d'oh" we'll look at the Chiefs last 10 drafts and rate the picks using these genuine Derek reactions (for those of you confused by my scoring system, "YES" = a pick who became an All-Pro caliber player or who performed much better than expected for the slot he was drafted; "meh" = a player who was about average of what one might expect for the spot he was drafted... not anything to get particularly excited about; "d'oh" = a player that made you question whether the team had a chimp who was high on painkillers make the pick.
2007
YES - Dwayne Bowe (1st rd.)
meh - Turk McBride (2nd), Tank Tyler (3rd), Kolby Smith (5th), Herb Taylor (6th), Michael Allan (7th)
d'oh - Justin Medlock (5th)
It's pretty early to be judging such picks, but at this point, Bowe looks to be a star receiver in the making. Turk and Tank will end up in the d'oh category if they don't develop into players the Chiefs can depend on inside. Medlock fits well in the d'oh category, since that was my response to nearly every one of his kicks while he wore a helmet with an arrowhead on the side.
2006
YES - Jarrad Page (7th)
meh - Tamba Hali (1st), Bernard Pollard (2nd), Brodie Croyle (3rd), Trey Stallings (6th), Jeff Webb (6th)
d'oh - Marcus Maxey (5th)
Page gets top billing simply because finding a starting safety in the final round of the draft is not particularly common. Hali, Pollard and Croyle will all probably be starters when fall arrives, but they all have particularly weak points in their games (run defense, pass coverage and throwing accurate passes, respectively).
2005
YES - Derrick Johnson (1st), Dustin Colquitt (3rd)
meh - Boomer Grigsby (5th), Will Svitek (6th)
d'oh - Craphonso Thorpe (4th), Alphonso Hodge (5th), Khari Long (6th), James Killian (7th), Jeremy Parquet (7th)
Wow... It's nice that the Chiefs got two quality picks (yes, I realize one is a punter... but he was one of the few bright spots on the team last season), but rounds 4-7 were a little rough for the KC front office... Damn that chimp.
2004
YES - Jared Allen (4th)
meh - Samie Parker (4th), Kevin Sampson (7th)
d'oh - Junior Siavii (2nd), Kris Wilson (2nd), Keyaron Fox (3rd), Jeris McIntyre (6th)
Here's a draft the 2008 Chiefs may not want to reenact. Naturally, Allen was an excellent pick. Naturally, the Chiefs decided to give him away this offseason. KC's top pick in '04, Siavii, had 13 total tackles in two seasons on the roster. In other words, the 6-5, 336 pounder made a slightly larger impact than I did.
2003
YES - Larry Johnson (1st), Kawika Mitchell (2nd)
meh - Jordan Black (5th), Jimmy Wilkerson (6th), Willie Pile (7th)
d'oh - Julian Battle (3rd), Brett Williams (4th), Montique Sharp (7th)
This draft is deceiving. Mitchell has become a stellar linebacker, but it's been for the Super Bowl champion New York Giants. Johnson was drafted as an insurance policy for Priest Holmes, despite the fact that the Chiefs desparately needed an impact defensive player.
2002
YES - Scott Fujita (5th)
meh - n/a
d'oh - Ryan Sims (1st), Eddie Freeman (2nd), Omar Easy (4th), Maurice Rodriguez (7th)
Pardon me while I stick my hand in a paper shredder...
2001
YES - n/a
meh - Monty Beisel (4th), Derrick Blaylock (5th), Shaunard Harts (7th), Terdell Sands (7th)
d'oh - Eric Downing (3rd), Snoop Minnis (3rd), George Layne (4th), Billy Baber (5th), Alex Sufsted (6th)
You know what this mangled hand could use? A dash of salt...
2000
YES - Greg Wesley (3rd), Dante Hall (5th)
meh - Pat Dennis (5th)
d'oh - Sly Morris (1st), William Bartee (2nd), Frank Moreau (4th), Darnell Alford (6th), Desmond Kitchings (7th)
It's fairly obvious that looking at '02 and '01 have made me feel pretty generous. Wesley is a bit of a stretch as an All-Pro caliber safety, and Dennis was the most aggravating starting cornerback I've seen in KC... but he did start. Morris had a decent rookie season, but I think earning "solid first-round pick" status may require more than one successful season (I grade on a tough scale, I know).
1999
YES - John Tait (1st), Gary Stills (3rd)
meh - n/a
d'oh - Mike Cloud (2nd), Larry Atkins (3rd), Larry Parker (4th), Eric King (7th)
Again, I'm stretching. Stills went to a Pro Bowl, but it was as a special teams player.
1998
YES - Victor Riley (1st)
meh - Greg Favors (4th), Derrick Ransom (6th), Eric Warfield (7th)
d'oh - Rashaan Shehee (3rd), Robert Williams (5th), Ernest Blackwell (7th)
I realize that Warfield started for several years after being drafted in the seventh round - drastically outperforming the expectations of his draft position - but I cannot forgive the fact that he was given contract Monty Burns would envy while the Chiefs let Donnie Edwards walk.
At a glance, this seems to be a pretty depressing tally. But lets see what the final numbers add up to. In 10 years, the Chiefs have made 73 picks. A total of 13 of those picks have earned the honor of receiving an outstanding rating on the DL scale. The Chiefs have made 25 average picks during that time, with 35 picks making the author quiver in terror and/or agony.
Let's reiterate this point. A team that has essentially wasted nearly half of its draft picks over the last decade plans to construct a team via this very process.
Should I be scared right now?
In mere hours, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will begin a sentence with this very phrase (unless, of course, the Chiefs trade the pick... but that would render this entire opening moot, so I'm going to ignore such an idea for now). How Mr. Goodell ends this sentence is anyone's guess.
The Chiefs - a team so adored by its fans that the ending of the National Anthem is modified each game, just to remind everyone that the team resides in the U.S.A. - are in the process of "rebuilding," meaning the focus in developing young players and having your team success rely on how quickly the players improve. In professional sports, rebuilding can be a slow process, at times taking several years to see any sort of results (see: Royals, Kansas City; 1995-2008). It is because of these failures, that "rebuilding" can be viewed as a derogatory term by some fans (Holy rebuilding!).
The idea that the Chiefs plan to build a successful team via the draft is an interesting one, since the team's draft history isn't exactly one that you'd find in How to Succeed as an NFL GM (look for it on bookshelves soon). For every Derrick Thomas the Chiefs have brought in, there's been a Trezelle Jenkins (who's greatest impact for KC may have been giving me a spectacular bust to refer to in this very blog).
At this point, the Chiefs have 13 picks to use (or blow) in the seven rounds stretched over this weekend and my interest is piqued as to how successful (or failful ... I know, just go with it) the Chiefs can be with these picks. To waste time until my reaction to the Chiefs first pick is "YES," "meh," or "d'oh" we'll look at the Chiefs last 10 drafts and rate the picks using these genuine Derek reactions (for those of you confused by my scoring system, "YES" = a pick who became an All-Pro caliber player or who performed much better than expected for the slot he was drafted; "meh" = a player who was about average of what one might expect for the spot he was drafted... not anything to get particularly excited about; "d'oh" = a player that made you question whether the team had a chimp who was high on painkillers make the pick.
2007
YES - Dwayne Bowe (1st rd.)
meh - Turk McBride (2nd), Tank Tyler (3rd), Kolby Smith (5th), Herb Taylor (6th), Michael Allan (7th)
d'oh - Justin Medlock (5th)
It's pretty early to be judging such picks, but at this point, Bowe looks to be a star receiver in the making. Turk and Tank will end up in the d'oh category if they don't develop into players the Chiefs can depend on inside. Medlock fits well in the d'oh category, since that was my response to nearly every one of his kicks while he wore a helmet with an arrowhead on the side.
2006
YES - Jarrad Page (7th)
meh - Tamba Hali (1st), Bernard Pollard (2nd), Brodie Croyle (3rd), Trey Stallings (6th), Jeff Webb (6th)
d'oh - Marcus Maxey (5th)
Page gets top billing simply because finding a starting safety in the final round of the draft is not particularly common. Hali, Pollard and Croyle will all probably be starters when fall arrives, but they all have particularly weak points in their games (run defense, pass coverage and throwing accurate passes, respectively).
2005
YES - Derrick Johnson (1st), Dustin Colquitt (3rd)
meh - Boomer Grigsby (5th), Will Svitek (6th)
d'oh - Craphonso Thorpe (4th), Alphonso Hodge (5th), Khari Long (6th), James Killian (7th), Jeremy Parquet (7th)
Wow... It's nice that the Chiefs got two quality picks (yes, I realize one is a punter... but he was one of the few bright spots on the team last season), but rounds 4-7 were a little rough for the KC front office... Damn that chimp.
2004
YES - Jared Allen (4th)
meh - Samie Parker (4th), Kevin Sampson (7th)
d'oh - Junior Siavii (2nd), Kris Wilson (2nd), Keyaron Fox (3rd), Jeris McIntyre (6th)
Here's a draft the 2008 Chiefs may not want to reenact. Naturally, Allen was an excellent pick. Naturally, the Chiefs decided to give him away this offseason. KC's top pick in '04, Siavii, had 13 total tackles in two seasons on the roster. In other words, the 6-5, 336 pounder made a slightly larger impact than I did.
2003
YES - Larry Johnson (1st), Kawika Mitchell (2nd)
meh - Jordan Black (5th), Jimmy Wilkerson (6th), Willie Pile (7th)
d'oh - Julian Battle (3rd), Brett Williams (4th), Montique Sharp (7th)
This draft is deceiving. Mitchell has become a stellar linebacker, but it's been for the Super Bowl champion New York Giants. Johnson was drafted as an insurance policy for Priest Holmes, despite the fact that the Chiefs desparately needed an impact defensive player.
2002
YES - Scott Fujita (5th)
meh - n/a
d'oh - Ryan Sims (1st), Eddie Freeman (2nd), Omar Easy (4th), Maurice Rodriguez (7th)
Pardon me while I stick my hand in a paper shredder...
2001
YES - n/a
meh - Monty Beisel (4th), Derrick Blaylock (5th), Shaunard Harts (7th), Terdell Sands (7th)
d'oh - Eric Downing (3rd), Snoop Minnis (3rd), George Layne (4th), Billy Baber (5th), Alex Sufsted (6th)
You know what this mangled hand could use? A dash of salt...
2000
YES - Greg Wesley (3rd), Dante Hall (5th)
meh - Pat Dennis (5th)
d'oh - Sly Morris (1st), William Bartee (2nd), Frank Moreau (4th), Darnell Alford (6th), Desmond Kitchings (7th)
It's fairly obvious that looking at '02 and '01 have made me feel pretty generous. Wesley is a bit of a stretch as an All-Pro caliber safety, and Dennis was the most aggravating starting cornerback I've seen in KC... but he did start. Morris had a decent rookie season, but I think earning "solid first-round pick" status may require more than one successful season (I grade on a tough scale, I know).
1999
YES - John Tait (1st), Gary Stills (3rd)
meh - n/a
d'oh - Mike Cloud (2nd), Larry Atkins (3rd), Larry Parker (4th), Eric King (7th)
Again, I'm stretching. Stills went to a Pro Bowl, but it was as a special teams player.
1998
YES - Victor Riley (1st)
meh - Greg Favors (4th), Derrick Ransom (6th), Eric Warfield (7th)
d'oh - Rashaan Shehee (3rd), Robert Williams (5th), Ernest Blackwell (7th)
I realize that Warfield started for several years after being drafted in the seventh round - drastically outperforming the expectations of his draft position - but I cannot forgive the fact that he was given contract Monty Burns would envy while the Chiefs let Donnie Edwards walk.
At a glance, this seems to be a pretty depressing tally. But lets see what the final numbers add up to. In 10 years, the Chiefs have made 73 picks. A total of 13 of those picks have earned the honor of receiving an outstanding rating on the DL scale. The Chiefs have made 25 average picks during that time, with 35 picks making the author quiver in terror and/or agony.
Let's reiterate this point. A team that has essentially wasted nearly half of its draft picks over the last decade plans to construct a team via this very process.
Should I be scared right now?
Monday, April 21, 2008
Oh, Canada?
In the 1530s, Jacques Cartier arrived in the area that would become Montreal, Quebec, becoming the first known European to set foot there.
In 2008, Derek Larson traveled to that very city, becoming the first known writer from this blog to set foot on Canadian soil.
Cartier found a land inhabited by Native Americans. I, on the other hand, found something a little different.
Here's what I know:
1. - I cannot read or speak French.
I'm not sure that I should be surprised by such a revelation, since I have never attempted to learn the language, but I've also never been so constantly reminded of my inadequacies in that area. The natives speak French (although several are - thankfully for this guy - bilingual), the signs are in French, and it's quite possible that the dogs bark in French... Bonjour, confusion.
2. - Television in Montreal is wildly disappointing.
In some of the few spare hours I had, I tried to relax by planting myself in front of the TV. The nice part about this was that I was able to find several episodes of The Simpsons - my favorite television program as documented by Fun Facts About Derek, Volume XII.
Unfortunately, 90-percent of the episodes I happened upon were voiced in French - a language that I cannot comprehend (see #1). Hearing a poorly voiced Chief Wiggum say, "C'est qu'ils tous disent. Ils tous disent d'oh," just doesn't have the same effect on me.
Frustrated with my attempts to find something funny, I turned to the world of sports. Unfortunately, in this land north of the border my preferred selection of athletic competitions (e.g., baseball, football, basketball... and maybe tortoise racing) take a backseat to hockey. TSN, the Canadian ESPN, puts more focus on hockey than I put on relatively pointless topics... Yeah, it's that bad.
3. - Dancers and fighters make an unpredictable combination.
During our stay, the hotel we were housed in played host to a salsa dancing conference. The combined-force exerted by the hip gyrations produced at this conference may have shifted the rotation of the Earth.
If that wasn't enough, our hotel was just a block away from Montreal's Bell Centre, where a large UFC event took place Saturday night. This means fighters, fans, and groupies were all also located within the 36 floors of guest rooms. Picture, if you will, a motley combination of guys with shaved heads and no necks, a bevy of females with short skirts and artificial breasts, and a boisterous (read: inebriated) grouping of teens and 20-somethings with dyed hair and more ink than the Sears catalog.
So combine the crew of folks wanting to see blood with the crew of folks wanting to be slaves to the rhythm of Latin drum beats and what do you get? A hotel lobby where Derek does not fit in.
4. - Montreal has a fine selection of dining establishments... and beautiful women hang out at Greek restaurants.
This trip did see Derek significantly increase his diversity in the world of food. Indian food had never been tried... until Montreal. Calamari had never been tasted... until Montreal. Some weird tiny fish fried whole had never been consumed (partially because such a thought had never crossed my mind)... but Montreal brought that about, too.
The seafood dishes were consumed at a Greek restaurant, but such bounds in the area of my culinary diversity did not mark the hot topic of the evening. Neither did the items on the wine list, or the extraordinary prices. It was the woman in the little red dress.
It was apparent that this woman - who was as easy on the eyes as an eye exam featuring only one letter - worked at the restaurant. The question that arose was what the duties of her job actually entailed. For the most of our two hours spent there, it seemed that all she did was stand near food preparation area in a dress so tight it may have have been wenched on and occasionally chatted with other employees. Such action (or inaction) sparked a conversation at our table which was nevery really resolved. Occasionally (read: hardly ever) she would deliver something to a table, but the rest of her job seemed to consist of drawing the attention of anyone with a Y chromosome away from their tables... Job well done, I guess.
5. Cab drivers are still crazy up north
Our trip to the hotel from the airport involved an unknown number of kilos traveled, a cab fare of $35 CDN, a long list of traffic violations commited by our driver, and a couple of instances where I hoped I wouldn't end up being buried in Canada... Good times.
In 2008, Derek Larson traveled to that very city, becoming the first known writer from this blog to set foot on Canadian soil.
Cartier found a land inhabited by Native Americans. I, on the other hand, found something a little different.
Here's what I know:
1. - I cannot read or speak French.
I'm not sure that I should be surprised by such a revelation, since I have never attempted to learn the language, but I've also never been so constantly reminded of my inadequacies in that area. The natives speak French (although several are - thankfully for this guy - bilingual), the signs are in French, and it's quite possible that the dogs bark in French... Bonjour, confusion.
2. - Television in Montreal is wildly disappointing.
In some of the few spare hours I had, I tried to relax by planting myself in front of the TV. The nice part about this was that I was able to find several episodes of The Simpsons - my favorite television program as documented by Fun Facts About Derek, Volume XII.
Unfortunately, 90-percent of the episodes I happened upon were voiced in French - a language that I cannot comprehend (see #1). Hearing a poorly voiced Chief Wiggum say, "C'est qu'ils tous disent. Ils tous disent d'oh," just doesn't have the same effect on me.
Frustrated with my attempts to find something funny, I turned to the world of sports. Unfortunately, in this land north of the border my preferred selection of athletic competitions (e.g., baseball, football, basketball... and maybe tortoise racing) take a backseat to hockey. TSN, the Canadian ESPN, puts more focus on hockey than I put on relatively pointless topics... Yeah, it's that bad.
3. - Dancers and fighters make an unpredictable combination.
During our stay, the hotel we were housed in played host to a salsa dancing conference. The combined-force exerted by the hip gyrations produced at this conference may have shifted the rotation of the Earth.
If that wasn't enough, our hotel was just a block away from Montreal's Bell Centre, where a large UFC event took place Saturday night. This means fighters, fans, and groupies were all also located within the 36 floors of guest rooms. Picture, if you will, a motley combination of guys with shaved heads and no necks, a bevy of females with short skirts and artificial breasts, and a boisterous (read: inebriated) grouping of teens and 20-somethings with dyed hair and more ink than the Sears catalog.
So combine the crew of folks wanting to see blood with the crew of folks wanting to be slaves to the rhythm of Latin drum beats and what do you get? A hotel lobby where Derek does not fit in.
4. - Montreal has a fine selection of dining establishments... and beautiful women hang out at Greek restaurants.
This trip did see Derek significantly increase his diversity in the world of food. Indian food had never been tried... until Montreal. Calamari had never been tasted... until Montreal. Some weird tiny fish fried whole had never been consumed (partially because such a thought had never crossed my mind)... but Montreal brought that about, too.
The seafood dishes were consumed at a Greek restaurant, but such bounds in the area of my culinary diversity did not mark the hot topic of the evening. Neither did the items on the wine list, or the extraordinary prices. It was the woman in the little red dress.
It was apparent that this woman - who was as easy on the eyes as an eye exam featuring only one letter - worked at the restaurant. The question that arose was what the duties of her job actually entailed. For the most of our two hours spent there, it seemed that all she did was stand near food preparation area in a dress so tight it may have have been wenched on and occasionally chatted with other employees. Such action (or inaction) sparked a conversation at our table which was nevery really resolved. Occasionally (read: hardly ever) she would deliver something to a table, but the rest of her job seemed to consist of drawing the attention of anyone with a Y chromosome away from their tables... Job well done, I guess.
5. Cab drivers are still crazy up north
Our trip to the hotel from the airport involved an unknown number of kilos traveled, a cab fare of $35 CDN, a long list of traffic violations commited by our driver, and a couple of instances where I hoped I wouldn't end up being buried in Canada... Good times.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Nicking Names and Baseball Games
The weather forecast for Saturday evening in Kansas City, Mo., currently shows a low of 30 degrees with possible rain/snow showers and winds near 20 m.p.h. If one were to conjure up an image in their mind of "baseball weather" odds are such conditions would not be imagined.
Nevertheless, this occasional writer will be at Kauffman Stadium, rooting for the Royals and wondering what the heck 'global warming' is. Upon hearing that, some people probably think I'm crazy, others think I'm stupid, and the rest wonder why the Drago* this matters. Well, you all have a point, but I'm still looking forward to it.
*The phrase "why the ..." ends so often in derogatory manner, but none of the uses ever really make practical or grammatical sense. As a result, it seems that anything could plugged in as the third word in the triad to make the same point. I figure using such an opportunity to pay homage to Dolph Lundgren's Rocky IV character is rather suitable.**
** In a tribute to Kansas City's own Joe Posnanski, The "Pozterisk" has made its way into "The Writings." What, you may ask, is a Pozterisk? Naturally, it's an asterisk, with a little dose of Poz... Or you could think of it as another way for me to lose track of any topic I may have at-one-time been referring to.
Anyway, despite the fact that those in attendance at the current Royals game - the night's feature presentation at the DL home theater - have the look of people who can't feel their extremities, the trip to "The House That Some Construction Workers Built" (trademark Derek D. Larson, 2008) is an anticipated one. It's a chance to see the 2008 Kansas City Royals, which is enough on its own... But it also marks the nostalgic return to powder-blue uniforms and provides an opportunity to check out the revisions to the stadium, including Crown Vision - possibly best described as a high-defintion video board that automatically draws a "holy Sorny*" response
*The rules that apply to "what the..." phrasing (as discussed earlier) have now been deemed appropriate by the Governing Board of "The Writings" for use in pairing with "holy..." as well. Those unfamiliar with "Sorny" should please refer to http://www.snpp.com/episodes/3F11.html
In continued browsing of Royals-related web sites, I've seen several discussions of nicknames for members of the roster. I like to think I've at least assisted in the nicking of a few names in my day, and will therefore offer up my best shot.
- Billy "Groundskeeper Willie" Butler - Another reference to The Simpsons. The reasoning? All Butler does is rake (for those yet again unfamiliar with references tossed out by the author, see http://www.doubletongued.org/index.php/dictionary/rake/ )
- Zack "Silent K" Greinke - Greinke's a quiet guy, the 'k' in his first name could be considered silent, and the kid strikes a few batters out... I never said these would be rocket science...
- Tony Pena, Jr. - "Pam" - There's a pretty simple joke about "no stick" involved with this one.
In other news, college basketball season has ended and the result was enough to make me wish Dr. James Naismith had never been provided access to peach baskets. Naturally, with my established rule of not allowing any school sits in a Kansas town that shares its name with a former Blossom actor and employing a fictional bird as its mascot to advance past the second round of the tournament, my bracket was doomed. The question follows: If, through some encounter with a wormhole or time vortex (forgive me, I have yet to complete A Brief History of Time, and thus have not fully familiarized myself with such time travelling terms) I could have known the future, would I have been able to live with myself picking Kansas to be the last team standing?
The answer: [refer to rules governing "why the..." and "what the..." phrasing discussed earlier, and insert term of choice here] no!*
*In effort to replace the phrasing "heck no" along with its belittling cousins, proper examples include: "buttons no," "neanderthal no," and "bovine no."
Nevertheless, this occasional writer will be at Kauffman Stadium, rooting for the Royals and wondering what the heck 'global warming' is. Upon hearing that, some people probably think I'm crazy, others think I'm stupid, and the rest wonder why the Drago* this matters. Well, you all have a point, but I'm still looking forward to it.
*The phrase "why the ..." ends so often in derogatory manner, but none of the uses ever really make practical or grammatical sense. As a result, it seems that anything could plugged in as the third word in the triad to make the same point. I figure using such an opportunity to pay homage to Dolph Lundgren's Rocky IV character is rather suitable.**
** In a tribute to Kansas City's own Joe Posnanski, The "Pozterisk" has made its way into "The Writings." What, you may ask, is a Pozterisk? Naturally, it's an asterisk, with a little dose of Poz... Or you could think of it as another way for me to lose track of any topic I may have at-one-time been referring to.
Anyway, despite the fact that those in attendance at the current Royals game - the night's feature presentation at the DL home theater - have the look of people who can't feel their extremities, the trip to "The House That Some Construction Workers Built" (trademark Derek D. Larson, 2008) is an anticipated one. It's a chance to see the 2008 Kansas City Royals, which is enough on its own... But it also marks the nostalgic return to powder-blue uniforms and provides an opportunity to check out the revisions to the stadium, including Crown Vision - possibly best described as a high-defintion video board that automatically draws a "holy Sorny*" response
*The rules that apply to "what the..." phrasing (as discussed earlier) have now been deemed appropriate by the Governing Board of "The Writings" for use in pairing with "holy..." as well. Those unfamiliar with "Sorny" should please refer to http://www.snpp.com/episodes/3F11.html
In continued browsing of Royals-related web sites, I've seen several discussions of nicknames for members of the roster. I like to think I've at least assisted in the nicking of a few names in my day, and will therefore offer up my best shot.
- Billy "Groundskeeper Willie" Butler - Another reference to The Simpsons. The reasoning? All Butler does is rake (for those yet again unfamiliar with references tossed out by the author, see http://www.doubletongued.org/index.php/dictionary/rake/ )
- Zack "Silent K" Greinke - Greinke's a quiet guy, the 'k' in his first name could be considered silent, and the kid strikes a few batters out... I never said these would be rocket science...
- Tony Pena, Jr. - "Pam" - There's a pretty simple joke about "no stick" involved with this one.
In other news, college basketball season has ended and the result was enough to make me wish Dr. James Naismith had never been provided access to peach baskets. Naturally, with my established rule of not allowing any school sits in a Kansas town that shares its name with a former Blossom actor and employing a fictional bird as its mascot to advance past the second round of the tournament, my bracket was doomed. The question follows: If, through some encounter with a wormhole or time vortex (forgive me, I have yet to complete A Brief History of Time, and thus have not fully familiarized myself with such time travelling terms) I could have known the future, would I have been able to live with myself picking Kansas to be the last team standing?
The answer: [refer to rules governing "why the..." and "what the..." phrasing discussed earlier, and insert term of choice here] no!*
*In effort to replace the phrasing "heck no" along with its belittling cousins, proper examples include: "buttons no," "neanderthal no," and "bovine no."
Friday, April 04, 2008
A Novel Idea
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Kansas City Royals new manager Trey Hillman is a visionary. He's going to revolutionize the game of baseball. The Royals - the only undefeated team in baseball - are opening their fourth game of the season, and Hillman has decided stick with what works. He's playing the exact same lineup and batting order for the third consecutive game. As those guys on the Guinness commercial are known to exclaim, BRILLIANT!
OK, by now your sarcasm detector should be beeping or blinking (or whatever a sarcasm detector does when it detects the sarcasm it is intended to find... I couldn't find much information last time I checked Sharper Image) at a expeditious pace. Obviously finding a lineup that works and playing it consistently is nothing new in the game of baseball... but it seems that way if you're a Kansas City fan.
Check the facts (courtesy http://www.baseballreference.com/ ... if you're like me (that's a big if) it will become a staple in your web browsing ventures)...
In 162 games in 2007, then-manager Buddy Bell assembled 141 different batting orders. The most common batting order Bell used was written on the lineup card a grand total of six times... This astounds me. I think a helper monkey could pick nine names out of a hat on 162 different occasions and have more consistency in choosing a lineup (and even the monkey would realize that Shane Costa should never bat cleanup).
The fact that Hillman has used the same batting order for three straight games means he's already accomplished something that Bell never did in 2007.
Or 2006.
Or 2005.
In fact, last time Royals played the same batting order for three straight games, Carlos Beltran was hitting in the No. 2 spot, and Angel Berroa was actually a valuable member of a Major League roster (yes, kids, that was once a reality). It was in September 2003.
Oddly enough, 2003 also marked the last season the Royals were in a pennant race. Tony Pena even earned the AL Manager of the Year award.
Now I'm not going to claim that batting the same nine guys in the same nine spots everyday is the key to baseball success (of course, neither is playing Jason LaRue's .240 on-base percentage in 66 games), but a little dose of consistency can't hurt.
OK, by now your sarcasm detector should be beeping or blinking (or whatever a sarcasm detector does when it detects the sarcasm it is intended to find... I couldn't find much information last time I checked Sharper Image) at a expeditious pace. Obviously finding a lineup that works and playing it consistently is nothing new in the game of baseball... but it seems that way if you're a Kansas City fan.
Check the facts (courtesy http://www.baseballreference.com/ ... if you're like me (that's a big if) it will become a staple in your web browsing ventures)...
In 162 games in 2007, then-manager Buddy Bell assembled 141 different batting orders. The most common batting order Bell used was written on the lineup card a grand total of six times... This astounds me. I think a helper monkey could pick nine names out of a hat on 162 different occasions and have more consistency in choosing a lineup (and even the monkey would realize that Shane Costa should never bat cleanup).
The fact that Hillman has used the same batting order for three straight games means he's already accomplished something that Bell never did in 2007.
Or 2006.
Or 2005.
In fact, last time Royals played the same batting order for three straight games, Carlos Beltran was hitting in the No. 2 spot, and Angel Berroa was actually a valuable member of a Major League roster (yes, kids, that was once a reality). It was in September 2003.
Oddly enough, 2003 also marked the last season the Royals were in a pennant race. Tony Pena even earned the AL Manager of the Year award.
Now I'm not going to claim that batting the same nine guys in the same nine spots everyday is the key to baseball success (of course, neither is playing Jason LaRue's .240 on-base percentage in 66 games), but a little dose of consistency can't hurt.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Two Sweet
The Kansas City Royals are 2-0.
This, my friends (hopefully John McCain hasn't trademarked that phrase yet), is excellent news.
It has become a recent tradition for me to write something brimming with hope and optimism saying that the Royals are primed to break out, show great improvement, and finish much better than the cellar spot the national media has them pegged for.
This season, I'm late with that piece and my stance has seemingly been stolen from me. National publications have picked the KC squad to finish on the stairs and even on the ground floor (perhaps there's a reason no one ever expands on that "basement" metaphor.
With the new manager Trey Hillman and the Royals actually getting some respect this season, I almost feel like my eternal optimism (what else can one call finding positives in the acquisition of Scott Elarton two years ago?) isn't completely unusual. Now, in addition to a little preseason love, they have opened the season with two victories against the best lineup, top-to-bottom in baseball (including an astounding three-hitter today).
What is the key to the 2008 Royals? Is it an offense infused with the ever-blossoming (arbitrary Spring reference) talents of DH Billy Butler and third baseman Alex Gordon? Is it the triumvirate of Gil Meche, Brian Bannister and Zack Greinke proving their 2007 mound performances were no fluke? Is it having a mind managing the club that is willing to give young players opportunities and play to team strengths?
The answer, fine readers ('The Writings' - where you, the reader, get recognition for comprehending text), is all of the above.
At this point, we reach prediction time. Faithful readers (and by reading this far, there's a good chance you are one... Congratulations...?) will realize that my predictions are often like any occurrences of the degradation of communication that is 'ROTFL' (read: horribly wrong and unfunny). Nevertheless, I'm going on record...
The Royals will finish third in the AL Central, behind the Indians and the Tigers.
Write it down. Print it. Circle it. Underline it. Replace the dots over the letter "i"s with hearts... Do whatever you prefer with it. Just remember, you read it here.
In fact, while we're at it...
AL East Winner - Boston Red Sox (way to go out on a ledge for that one, Derek)
AL Central Winner - Cleveland Indians
AL West Winner - Angels of Anaheim (you hear me? Anaheim... none of this Los Angeles junk)
AL Wild Card - New York Yankees (sorry Tigers... but pitching is a part of the game, too)
NL East Winner - New York Mets
NL Central Winner - Houston Astros (nonsensical pick to avoid conforming to popular opinion of the day)
NL West Winner - Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Wild Card - Atlanta Braves
World Series pick - Indians over Mets
Please feel free to tear these predictions apart. Just try to refrain from personal attacks... unless they contain strikingly original attempts at humor.
This, my friends (hopefully John McCain hasn't trademarked that phrase yet), is excellent news.
It has become a recent tradition for me to write something brimming with hope and optimism saying that the Royals are primed to break out, show great improvement, and finish much better than the cellar spot the national media has them pegged for.
This season, I'm late with that piece and my stance has seemingly been stolen from me. National publications have picked the KC squad to finish on the stairs and even on the ground floor (perhaps there's a reason no one ever expands on that "basement" metaphor.
With the new manager Trey Hillman and the Royals actually getting some respect this season, I almost feel like my eternal optimism (what else can one call finding positives in the acquisition of Scott Elarton two years ago?) isn't completely unusual. Now, in addition to a little preseason love, they have opened the season with two victories against the best lineup, top-to-bottom in baseball (including an astounding three-hitter today).
What is the key to the 2008 Royals? Is it an offense infused with the ever-blossoming (arbitrary Spring reference) talents of DH Billy Butler and third baseman Alex Gordon? Is it the triumvirate of Gil Meche, Brian Bannister and Zack Greinke proving their 2007 mound performances were no fluke? Is it having a mind managing the club that is willing to give young players opportunities and play to team strengths?
The answer, fine readers ('The Writings' - where you, the reader, get recognition for comprehending text), is all of the above.
At this point, we reach prediction time. Faithful readers (and by reading this far, there's a good chance you are one... Congratulations...?) will realize that my predictions are often like any occurrences of the degradation of communication that is 'ROTFL' (read: horribly wrong and unfunny). Nevertheless, I'm going on record...
The Royals will finish third in the AL Central, behind the Indians and the Tigers.
Write it down. Print it. Circle it. Underline it. Replace the dots over the letter "i"s with hearts... Do whatever you prefer with it. Just remember, you read it here.
In fact, while we're at it...
AL East Winner - Boston Red Sox (way to go out on a ledge for that one, Derek)
AL Central Winner - Cleveland Indians
AL West Winner - Angels of Anaheim (you hear me? Anaheim... none of this Los Angeles junk)
AL Wild Card - New York Yankees (sorry Tigers... but pitching is a part of the game, too)
NL East Winner - New York Mets
NL Central Winner - Houston Astros (nonsensical pick to avoid conforming to popular opinion of the day)
NL West Winner - Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Wild Card - Atlanta Braves
World Series pick - Indians over Mets
Please feel free to tear these predictions apart. Just try to refrain from personal attacks... unless they contain strikingly original attempts at humor.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Ode to the Cats
Consider this the perfect storm.
No, I'm not a fisherman, I'm not on a fishing boat sailing into frightening weather conditions, and I'm not portrayed by George Clooney.
This "perfect storm" results from the fact that recently read a Joe Posnanski baseball preview where he discussed each team in the American League via the wonder of poetry, K-State's basketball season recently ended - meaning it's ripe for a wrap-up piece, and I think trying to do a few rhymes might be a good way to pass some time. Granted, the last time I wrote any poetry was as a high schooler - where I covered pressing issues like commode-dwelling serpents - so my rhymes may come off as a bit juvenile.
Michael Beasley
K-State's number 30,
His name - Michael Beasley;
On nearly any foe,
He scored rather easily.
Against the Hawks in Manhattan,
He put up 25;
In essence, he declared,
Sorry, KU, your streak is no longer alive.
Did I mention his rebounding?
A phase that brings to mind;
A janitor armed with Windex,
Cleaning two windows in kind.
Prior to 2007,
Who could comprehend;
Beasley-like stats,
Coming from the Wildcats' end?
Hansbrough, you're good,
You too Augustine, when you're hot;
But player of the year,
You guys are not.
The argument ends,
With the mention of Mr. Bucketization;
He's the best of season,
The best in nation.
Will he be in purple next year?
It's an answer I'd rather not say;
But I think some people in the Little Apple,
May develop more interest in the NBA.
Bill Walker
There once was a forward named Bill,
His athletic ability could thrill,
The fans in the stands,
Would all clap their hands,
I hope his chance of return is greater than nil.
Jacob Pullen
K-State's best player next season may be Pullen, Jake,
Not playing him more this year may have been a mistake,
Quick enough to sneak through defenses like a snake,
Opposing guards may involuntarily quake,
When he jitters past them after a shake,
Hopefully you talus didn't suffer a break,
Is that a pass to the weak side or is it a fake?
Think about that as you're in his wake,
Any shot on the floor, he can probaby make,
Even some free thows with the game at stake,
With that skill he made folks in Lawrence ache,
He had 20 off the bench for goodness sake,
Looking for a star next season - who should you take?
The Wildcats' Agent Zero - it's just Pullen, Jake.
The Season
Frank's inaugural season,
Is now over and done,
And for more than one reason,
It provided a fair amount of fun;
A house pack to the brim,
Saw the Cats devour the Hawks,
To anyone not dim,
They seemed like tournament locks.
Down the stretch all that optimism,
Proved a bit premature,
Instead of playing with wisdom,
At times they looked like horse manure;
At tourney selection time,
They sat close to the bubble,
It's obvious that this rhyme,
Is going to say they got in and avoided trouble;
Mitch Richmond wore No. 23,
The last time the Cats won a tournament game,
The Cats ended that streak by topping USC,
And the nation knew K-State by name;
The Cats fell to the Badgers in round two,
Their season now is finished,
But after making noise in the tourney it's hard to be blue,
And their accomplishments have not diminished.
With next season in mind, questions surround,
If Beasley and Walker are gone will the season be blown?
But several reasons for hope can easily be found,
Oh yeah, and then there's Colon.
All jokes aside, K-State will be back,
This basketball team isn't done,
What will be next season's plan of attack?
Four words - Get Ready To Run.
No, I'm not a fisherman, I'm not on a fishing boat sailing into frightening weather conditions, and I'm not portrayed by George Clooney.
This "perfect storm" results from the fact that recently read a Joe Posnanski baseball preview where he discussed each team in the American League via the wonder of poetry, K-State's basketball season recently ended - meaning it's ripe for a wrap-up piece, and I think trying to do a few rhymes might be a good way to pass some time. Granted, the last time I wrote any poetry was as a high schooler - where I covered pressing issues like commode-dwelling serpents - so my rhymes may come off as a bit juvenile.
Michael Beasley
K-State's number 30,
His name - Michael Beasley;
On nearly any foe,
He scored rather easily.
Against the Hawks in Manhattan,
He put up 25;
In essence, he declared,
Sorry, KU, your streak is no longer alive.
Did I mention his rebounding?
A phase that brings to mind;
A janitor armed with Windex,
Cleaning two windows in kind.
Prior to 2007,
Who could comprehend;
Beasley-like stats,
Coming from the Wildcats' end?
Hansbrough, you're good,
You too Augustine, when you're hot;
But player of the year,
You guys are not.
The argument ends,
With the mention of Mr. Bucketization;
He's the best of season,
The best in nation.
Will he be in purple next year?
It's an answer I'd rather not say;
But I think some people in the Little Apple,
May develop more interest in the NBA.
Bill Walker
There once was a forward named Bill,
His athletic ability could thrill,
The fans in the stands,
Would all clap their hands,
I hope his chance of return is greater than nil.
Jacob Pullen
K-State's best player next season may be Pullen, Jake,
Not playing him more this year may have been a mistake,
Quick enough to sneak through defenses like a snake,
Opposing guards may involuntarily quake,
When he jitters past them after a shake,
Hopefully you talus didn't suffer a break,
Is that a pass to the weak side or is it a fake?
Think about that as you're in his wake,
Any shot on the floor, he can probaby make,
Even some free thows with the game at stake,
With that skill he made folks in Lawrence ache,
He had 20 off the bench for goodness sake,
Looking for a star next season - who should you take?
The Wildcats' Agent Zero - it's just Pullen, Jake.
The Season
Frank's inaugural season,
Is now over and done,
And for more than one reason,
It provided a fair amount of fun;
A house pack to the brim,
Saw the Cats devour the Hawks,
To anyone not dim,
They seemed like tournament locks.
Down the stretch all that optimism,
Proved a bit premature,
Instead of playing with wisdom,
At times they looked like horse manure;
At tourney selection time,
They sat close to the bubble,
It's obvious that this rhyme,
Is going to say they got in and avoided trouble;
Mitch Richmond wore No. 23,
The last time the Cats won a tournament game,
The Cats ended that streak by topping USC,
And the nation knew K-State by name;
The Cats fell to the Badgers in round two,
Their season now is finished,
But after making noise in the tourney it's hard to be blue,
And their accomplishments have not diminished.
With next season in mind, questions surround,
If Beasley and Walker are gone will the season be blown?
But several reasons for hope can easily be found,
Oh yeah, and then there's Colon.
All jokes aside, K-State will be back,
This basketball team isn't done,
What will be next season's plan of attack?
Four words - Get Ready To Run.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Dancing With the Cats
March 1996... Does it really seem like 12 years ago?
I was in middle school (and sporting some pretty slick frames), Bill Clinton was in the White House, Michael Jordan was leading the Chicago Bulls to a record-setting 72-10 record, Braveheart won the Academy Award for Best Picture, and Jorge Sampaio became new Portuguese president (honestly, who could forget that?).
"Why bother turning back the calendar?" one might ask (... after all, one can bother asking unnecessary questions before another has the chance to explain).
March 1996 was also the last time the Kansas State Wildcats were involved an event commonly deemed "March Madness" (although the insane may take offense to such terminology).
On March 15, 1996 the Wildcats (as a No. 10 seed) battled the New Mexico Lobos in Richmond, Va. Let by point guard Elliot Hatcher and power forward Tyrone Davis, K-State had piled up 17 wins to that point. Unfortunately for the Cats, the Lobos defended like a mother Lobo protecting her pups (this simile was used just to show that I know what a Lobo is... unless the mascot refers to Lobo the alien from the planet Czarnia (from DC Comics) or Lobo the singer-songwriter who sang "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo"). K-State trailed by just a point at the half, but shot just 24-percent after the break and was outscored 38-18 in the final period.
Since that time, the K-State basketball program has seen many things happen:
- The creation of the Big 12;
- The early departure of Mark Young to play professionally (read: bad idea);
- The decision to award a scholarship to Joe Leonard (read: bad idea);
- The dismissal of Tom Asbury as head coach (read: good idea);
- The hiring of Jim Wooldridge as head coach;
- The arrival of a recruiting class pegged as No. 1 by one publication (apparently size does matter);
- The Cats getting hosed by the NIT two consecutive years;
- The dismissal of Wooldridge as head coach;
- The hiring of Bob Huggins as head coach;
- The arrival of bandwagon fans;
- The Cats being overlooked by the NCAA Tournament selection committee;
- The departure of Huggins;
- The arrival of plenty of anger and bad blood toward Huggins;
- The hiring of Frank Martin as head coach;
- The arrival of the best recruiting class to step foot in Bramlage Coliseum;
- The ascension of a basketball prodigy known as "Beasley";
- And, an up-and-down season combining the greatest of joys and the fiercest of frustrations.
That basically brings us up to date (please forgive the omission of any reference to the decision to recruit primarily out of Junction City in the late 1990s... it's probably something better off forgotten).
Anyway, the big question now is "How will the Cats fare in their first chance in the 'Big Dance' since Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men topped the charts with 'One Sweet Day'?"
Will they top the USC Trojans and become a team feared by all in their way? Or will they struggle with the most basic fundamentals of the game and get run out of the gym by O.J. Mayo and friends?
Honestly, I could see it going either way.
The Cats can cruise if...
Michael Beasley plays like Michael Beasley. I realize this is like saying "a heartbeat is necessary for survival" or "an announcer has to use a minimum of four Cinderella references to call an NCAA Tournament game," but Beasley has to get his points for the Wildcats to win. This is not because he's the only player in purple who can put the ball in the hoop, but because the offense (when it's effective) is built around him.
Beasley getting his points will bring the double-and triple-teams, which brings us to part two of this qualification - K-State has to take full advantage of the defensive focus on Beasley.
Let's pause to do a bit of math (those who don't want to can sit quietly). In the game of basketball, each team is allowed to have five players on the floor at any given time. If the Wildcats are on offense and Beasley has the ball, that means there are four (5-1=4) K-Staters who are scoring options (ok, it may be a stretch for one player in particular) who remain on that end of the court. Now, if two players are guarding Beasley while he has the ball, that means only three (5-2=3 ... math is fun) defenders remain. Now, stay with me here, if K-State has four other players on offense, but the defense only has three players away from Beasley, that means... (waiting for response from the class)... that's right - that one Wildcat should be open.
What does this all mean? It means that the offense should have players continually spotting up for open shots or cutting to the basket when Beasley has the ball. If a team is going to sacrifice a defender for a double-team, it's best to make them pay for it.
The Cats will fall if...
Those who don't wear a jersey with the number 30 on it are content to stand and watch once the ball is in his hands.
The Cats will cruise if...
Bill Walker is motivated by the opportunity to play against high school teammate Mayo and uses his uber-athleticism (aka, his aBILLity) to make an impact in all phases of the game. The scoring is wonderful, but he also has to be a force on the boards and an effective defender.
The Cats will fall if...
Walker gets in early foul trouble, limiting his ability to be effective on defense or in rebounding.
The Cats will cruise if...
Jake Pullen gets his minutes. The freshman point guard has established himself as the most talented guard on the roster, yet his playing time remains inconsistent. When K-State topped KU on Jan. 30, Pullen played 28 minutes, scored 20 points, and showed critics that the Wildcat backcourt would not be a weakness when matched up against the Jayhawks. In Lawrence on March 1, Pullen played just 11 minutes and the Cats fell 88-74.
But, it's not just Pullen. Ron Anderson has shown that he's the top rebounder/post defender/post scoring option on the team outside of the Beasley/Walker duo, yet he played just five minutes against Texas A&M (another team with a couple pretty decent posts) in the Big 12 Tournament.
Am I saying the distribution of minutes is the reason for the Wildcats' downfall? Of course not. Might it have played a part? Absolutely.
The Cats will fall if...
Pullen gets yanked and doesn't get much of a chance to run the Wildcat offense, Anderson is overlooked for minutes in the post, and Beasley and Walker are sitting next to each other on the bench with foul trouble, eating popcorn and discussing how many Bentleys they'll each have at this time next year.
Now, being the non-licensed, yet-practicing bracketologist that I am, how have I pegged the Wildcats in the tournament? On my official bracket, the Cats top the Trojans, but fall to the Wisconsin Badgers in the second round (please note that I had to beat my inexplicable optimism to the ground with a cricket bat to reach that conclusion). On the unofficial (yet much more enjoyable to fill out) version of el bracketo (my inexplicably optimistic side apparently enjoys butchering attempts at the Spanish language), the name "K-State" is printed six times, with the final script appearing underneath the heading "National Champion."
It could happen... Right?
I was in middle school (and sporting some pretty slick frames), Bill Clinton was in the White House, Michael Jordan was leading the Chicago Bulls to a record-setting 72-10 record, Braveheart won the Academy Award for Best Picture, and Jorge Sampaio became new Portuguese president (honestly, who could forget that?).
"Why bother turning back the calendar?" one might ask (... after all, one can bother asking unnecessary questions before another has the chance to explain).
March 1996 was also the last time the Kansas State Wildcats were involved an event commonly deemed "March Madness" (although the insane may take offense to such terminology).
On March 15, 1996 the Wildcats (as a No. 10 seed) battled the New Mexico Lobos in Richmond, Va. Let by point guard Elliot Hatcher and power forward Tyrone Davis, K-State had piled up 17 wins to that point. Unfortunately for the Cats, the Lobos defended like a mother Lobo protecting her pups (this simile was used just to show that I know what a Lobo is... unless the mascot refers to Lobo the alien from the planet Czarnia (from DC Comics) or Lobo the singer-songwriter who sang "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo"). K-State trailed by just a point at the half, but shot just 24-percent after the break and was outscored 38-18 in the final period.
Since that time, the K-State basketball program has seen many things happen:
- The creation of the Big 12;
- The early departure of Mark Young to play professionally (read: bad idea);
- The decision to award a scholarship to Joe Leonard (read: bad idea);
- The dismissal of Tom Asbury as head coach (read: good idea);
- The hiring of Jim Wooldridge as head coach;
- The arrival of a recruiting class pegged as No. 1 by one publication (apparently size does matter);
- The Cats getting hosed by the NIT two consecutive years;
- The dismissal of Wooldridge as head coach;
- The hiring of Bob Huggins as head coach;
- The arrival of bandwagon fans;
- The Cats being overlooked by the NCAA Tournament selection committee;
- The departure of Huggins;
- The arrival of plenty of anger and bad blood toward Huggins;
- The hiring of Frank Martin as head coach;
- The arrival of the best recruiting class to step foot in Bramlage Coliseum;
- The ascension of a basketball prodigy known as "Beasley";
- And, an up-and-down season combining the greatest of joys and the fiercest of frustrations.
That basically brings us up to date (please forgive the omission of any reference to the decision to recruit primarily out of Junction City in the late 1990s... it's probably something better off forgotten).
Anyway, the big question now is "How will the Cats fare in their first chance in the 'Big Dance' since Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men topped the charts with 'One Sweet Day'?"
Will they top the USC Trojans and become a team feared by all in their way? Or will they struggle with the most basic fundamentals of the game and get run out of the gym by O.J. Mayo and friends?
Honestly, I could see it going either way.
The Cats can cruise if...
Michael Beasley plays like Michael Beasley. I realize this is like saying "a heartbeat is necessary for survival" or "an announcer has to use a minimum of four Cinderella references to call an NCAA Tournament game," but Beasley has to get his points for the Wildcats to win. This is not because he's the only player in purple who can put the ball in the hoop, but because the offense (when it's effective) is built around him.
Beasley getting his points will bring the double-and triple-teams, which brings us to part two of this qualification - K-State has to take full advantage of the defensive focus on Beasley.
Let's pause to do a bit of math (those who don't want to can sit quietly). In the game of basketball, each team is allowed to have five players on the floor at any given time. If the Wildcats are on offense and Beasley has the ball, that means there are four (5-1=4) K-Staters who are scoring options (ok, it may be a stretch for one player in particular) who remain on that end of the court. Now, if two players are guarding Beasley while he has the ball, that means only three (5-2=3 ... math is fun) defenders remain. Now, stay with me here, if K-State has four other players on offense, but the defense only has three players away from Beasley, that means... (waiting for response from the class)... that's right - that one Wildcat should be open.
What does this all mean? It means that the offense should have players continually spotting up for open shots or cutting to the basket when Beasley has the ball. If a team is going to sacrifice a defender for a double-team, it's best to make them pay for it.
The Cats will fall if...
Those who don't wear a jersey with the number 30 on it are content to stand and watch once the ball is in his hands.
The Cats will cruise if...
Bill Walker is motivated by the opportunity to play against high school teammate Mayo and uses his uber-athleticism (aka, his aBILLity) to make an impact in all phases of the game. The scoring is wonderful, but he also has to be a force on the boards and an effective defender.
The Cats will fall if...
Walker gets in early foul trouble, limiting his ability to be effective on defense or in rebounding.
The Cats will cruise if...
Jake Pullen gets his minutes. The freshman point guard has established himself as the most talented guard on the roster, yet his playing time remains inconsistent. When K-State topped KU on Jan. 30, Pullen played 28 minutes, scored 20 points, and showed critics that the Wildcat backcourt would not be a weakness when matched up against the Jayhawks. In Lawrence on March 1, Pullen played just 11 minutes and the Cats fell 88-74.
But, it's not just Pullen. Ron Anderson has shown that he's the top rebounder/post defender/post scoring option on the team outside of the Beasley/Walker duo, yet he played just five minutes against Texas A&M (another team with a couple pretty decent posts) in the Big 12 Tournament.
Am I saying the distribution of minutes is the reason for the Wildcats' downfall? Of course not. Might it have played a part? Absolutely.
The Cats will fall if...
Pullen gets yanked and doesn't get much of a chance to run the Wildcat offense, Anderson is overlooked for minutes in the post, and Beasley and Walker are sitting next to each other on the bench with foul trouble, eating popcorn and discussing how many Bentleys they'll each have at this time next year.
Now, being the non-licensed, yet-practicing bracketologist that I am, how have I pegged the Wildcats in the tournament? On my official bracket, the Cats top the Trojans, but fall to the Wisconsin Badgers in the second round (please note that I had to beat my inexplicable optimism to the ground with a cricket bat to reach that conclusion). On the unofficial (yet much more enjoyable to fill out) version of el bracketo (my inexplicably optimistic side apparently enjoys butchering attempts at the Spanish language), the name "K-State" is printed six times, with the final script appearing underneath the heading "National Champion."
It could happen... Right?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Oh, THOSE Ides of March
According to my calendar, it's mid-March.
According to http://www.dereklarson.blogspot.com/, I haven't written much lately.
According to popular opinion expressed by the poll on the left side of the page, this is the fault of my ghost-writer... Lousy jerk.
Anyway, since I'm blaming this lack of writing for mass (read: single digit) appeal, I can't take guff for the fact that I've been spending entirely too much of my free time running the Kansas City Royals at my whim on a computer game called Baseball Mogul. It's basically SimCity with baseball instead of cities, and lacking disasters (as long as I don't trade for Neifi Perez).
I realize admitting to spending an abundance of time playing this game detracts significantly from my "cool point" account (and I'm already in debt), so I'm also going to ask that you forget that the preceding paragraph was written about me - that was also my ghost-writer... He's a horrible, unseen person.
Anyway, as tends to happen on occasion, after enjoying the weather with a trip through the park (an event that can be summarized quickly: Derek - out of shape; female joggers - mostly in shape; Derek - embarrassed; guys jogging with their shirts off - tools) this evening has found me in front of the television. With tournament week at hand, and Bobby Knight serving as an ESPN analyst, it's a good time to be watching college basketball. Nevertheless, I must take advantage of my thumb dexterity (I'm confident it is above-average... maybe even exceptional) by flipping channels. Such action opens things up to a world of discovery. Highlights so far...
... from Deal or No Deal...
Good news - Tonight's contestant just had her chosen briefcase opened to reveal $1 million.
Bad news - She had sold the case seconds earlier for over $700,000 less... Normally I don't condone complaining about being payed $200,000+ for hanging with Howie Mandel (he created Bobby's World, after all), but that lady has to feel like she just got poked in the eye with a fish hook.
...from The Moment of Truth...
I'm catching this show for the first time, but I gather you just make more money by truthfully answering questions about your personal life - questions that emphasize the "personal" nature more and more as you move along. Why you would go on this show if had something you preferred not be exposed to millions of people is beyond my comprehension. Tonight's "lucky" contestant is Michael - a guy with an apparently checkered (perhaps more complicated than checkered... chessed?) past and a flat top. As far as I know, he has not been asked about his haircut.
The pitcher in this asker-answerer battery asked Michael if he'd had ... uhhh, fantasies... about any of his friends' wives. He answered yes, evoking a bit of a disappointed groan from the audience (good call). Seconds later, the robotic woman voice that passes judgment on the truthiness (credit Stephen Colbert) of each answer confirmed that Michael was telling the truth (I'm not sure what lying about that would have accomplished), and the crowd broke into applause... C'mon, The Moment of Truth audience! I understand that you must not have much going on if you're willing to take the time to attend this show in person, but you just applauded a guy for fantasizing about one of his friends' wives. I realize it's exciting that he was telling the truth, which is the object of the game, but don't let Mrs. Roboto's voice sway your opinion so easily.
... from American Idol...
The remaining contestants are on stage making a mockery of some of The Beatles' hits and I have been reminded why I don't make watching this show a common practice... Sorry for listing this under the "highlights" section, but I have yet to create a "moments that made me wish my cable would go out" section.
... from Rudy...
I can identify with Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger. I used to get knocked around a lot (read: everyday, constantly for three years) in football practice, too. Unfortunately, I never followed that up by accompanying my hobbit friend on a journey to Mount Doom.
The plan is to get a Royals preview, a general baseball preview, and some NCAA basketball stuff up in the upcoming weeks (one week = seven days, for those unfamiliar). Naturally, this all depends on motivating that sluggard known as my ghost-writer.
According to http://www.dereklarson.blogspot.com/, I haven't written much lately.
According to popular opinion expressed by the poll on the left side of the page, this is the fault of my ghost-writer... Lousy jerk.
Anyway, since I'm blaming this lack of writing for mass (read: single digit) appeal, I can't take guff for the fact that I've been spending entirely too much of my free time running the Kansas City Royals at my whim on a computer game called Baseball Mogul. It's basically SimCity with baseball instead of cities, and lacking disasters (as long as I don't trade for Neifi Perez).
I realize admitting to spending an abundance of time playing this game detracts significantly from my "cool point" account (and I'm already in debt), so I'm also going to ask that you forget that the preceding paragraph was written about me - that was also my ghost-writer... He's a horrible, unseen person.
Anyway, as tends to happen on occasion, after enjoying the weather with a trip through the park (an event that can be summarized quickly: Derek - out of shape; female joggers - mostly in shape; Derek - embarrassed; guys jogging with their shirts off - tools) this evening has found me in front of the television. With tournament week at hand, and Bobby Knight serving as an ESPN analyst, it's a good time to be watching college basketball. Nevertheless, I must take advantage of my thumb dexterity (I'm confident it is above-average... maybe even exceptional) by flipping channels. Such action opens things up to a world of discovery. Highlights so far...
... from Deal or No Deal...
Good news - Tonight's contestant just had her chosen briefcase opened to reveal $1 million.
Bad news - She had sold the case seconds earlier for over $700,000 less... Normally I don't condone complaining about being payed $200,000+ for hanging with Howie Mandel (he created Bobby's World, after all), but that lady has to feel like she just got poked in the eye with a fish hook.
...from The Moment of Truth...
I'm catching this show for the first time, but I gather you just make more money by truthfully answering questions about your personal life - questions that emphasize the "personal" nature more and more as you move along. Why you would go on this show if had something you preferred not be exposed to millions of people is beyond my comprehension. Tonight's "lucky" contestant is Michael - a guy with an apparently checkered (perhaps more complicated than checkered... chessed?) past and a flat top. As far as I know, he has not been asked about his haircut.
The pitcher in this asker-answerer battery asked Michael if he'd had ... uhhh, fantasies... about any of his friends' wives. He answered yes, evoking a bit of a disappointed groan from the audience (good call). Seconds later, the robotic woman voice that passes judgment on the truthiness (credit Stephen Colbert) of each answer confirmed that Michael was telling the truth (I'm not sure what lying about that would have accomplished), and the crowd broke into applause... C'mon, The Moment of Truth audience! I understand that you must not have much going on if you're willing to take the time to attend this show in person, but you just applauded a guy for fantasizing about one of his friends' wives. I realize it's exciting that he was telling the truth, which is the object of the game, but don't let Mrs. Roboto's voice sway your opinion so easily.
... from American Idol...
The remaining contestants are on stage making a mockery of some of The Beatles' hits and I have been reminded why I don't make watching this show a common practice... Sorry for listing this under the "highlights" section, but I have yet to create a "moments that made me wish my cable would go out" section.
... from Rudy...
I can identify with Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger. I used to get knocked around a lot (read: everyday, constantly for three years) in football practice, too. Unfortunately, I never followed that up by accompanying my hobbit friend on a journey to Mount Doom.
The plan is to get a Royals preview, a general baseball preview, and some NCAA basketball stuff up in the upcoming weeks (one week = seven days, for those unfamiliar). Naturally, this all depends on motivating that sluggard known as my ghost-writer.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Things I Don't Understand - I Have No Blue Teeth
So I am sitting in Bramlage Coliseum as the countdown to tip off ticks second-by-second closer, and something a few rows in front of me catches my eye. A man stands, clapping (mostly in rhythm) to "Wildcat Victory." He's decked in Wildcat gear, and has no features that might cause one to gasp in horror, yet something about the guy strikes me the wrong way - his right ear... Not his ear in particular, but what was in his ear - a Bluetooth earpiece.
I have no qualms with the Bluetooth earpiece in general. In fact, it's a pretty slick innovation. It allows folks to devote both hands to driving and yet talk on their cell phone at the same time. As a result, it follows Derek's Essential Rule #84 - Safety First.
My issues with Bluetooth earpieces are multiple.
- What's a hand to do?
It's time for the first ever Writings of Derek Larson Physical Challenge. No matter where you are currently reading this, put one of your hands up to your ear (in phone-holding fashion), get up (if you're sitting - or lying down (I won't claim to know how you relax) - to read this), and walk 10 paces, turn around, and walk back to your current spot. I'll give you time to complete this challenge, occupying myself by singing a little tune...
"A man walks down the street, it's a street in a strange world;
Maybe it's the Third World, maybe it's his first time around;
He doesn't speak the language, he holds no currency;
He is a foreign man, he is surrounded by the sound, the sound;
Cattle in the marketplace, scatterlings and orphanages, he looks around, around;
He sees angels in the architecture, spinning in infinity;
He says 'amen, hallelujah!'
If you'll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal;
I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me you can call me Al;
Call me Al."
Thank you, Paul Simon.
Anyway, hopefully you've had enough time to complete the physical challenge. Now it's time to evaluate... While walking with your hand to your ear, did you walk right into anything, injuring yourself? Did your arm get really tired, to the point that you could no longer hold it up? Did you feel less safe than you would have with that arm at your side?
My point with all these inane questions is that taking advantage of the hands-free quality of the Bluetooth earpieces when not using your hands for anything else seems to serve no other purpose than promoting laziness. Granted, I'm not the ideal person to be giving a lecture on avoiding laziness. As I write this I'm slouched on my couch with my feet propped on my coffee table, and I'm slowly going thirsty because I can't reach my cup of lemonade (grow, arms, grow!). Nevertheless, I have successfully completed the physical challenge and stand by my "don't use Bluetooth earpieces if you're arms aren't engaged" stance.
- Are you talking to me?
You've (hopefully) passed the physical challenge (if not, I deeply apologize), now it's time to test your imagination.
Picture yourself in the grocery store of your choosing. Your cupboards are bare in your home and you've made the poor decision of going to buy groceries at dinnertime - before eating (dun dun DUNNNNN). Every food item you see looks delicious, and your cart is filling up faster than an Arrowhead Stadium restroom at halftime. As you stand in the frozen food aisle, attempting to determine exactly what brand of frozen pizza is right for you, you hear, "Hey, what's going on?"
You glance to your right and see some little lady pushing her cart your way, seemingly looking in your direction. You don't exactly recognize her, but you aren't exactly one who remembers every name/face you encounter. Not wanting to seem rude, you begin to toss your preferred greeting (whether it's "hello," "what's up," or "a hoi hoi"), before she seemingly cuts you off and says, "Yeah, I was totally hammered," (Is the fact that I live in a college town evident from the fact that such is a commonly overheard statement?).
You stand stunned, unsure exactly what the heck this girl is talking about and thinking it's a bit weird that she took the conversation - without any prompting - in such a direction... That is, until you notice that her hair is covering a barely visible Bluetooth earpiece. This girl does not know you and was not speaking to you, but instead was speaking to one of her little friends via Bluetooth. As you realize this, you attempt to cover up the appearance of your hand (partially raised, as you prepared to give your preferred visual greeting (be it a wave, a peace sign, or a Three Stooges eye poke)) and your mouth (partially open, as you had begun to toss out your spoken greeting) by quickly coughing into a closed fist... Your efforts earn you little more than a bewildered look and a stronger sense of self deprecation.
Had it not been for the Bluetooth earpiece, you would have minded your own business, picked up a couple pizzas, and been on your way.
Thank you for taking part in the this 100-percent hypothetical (I certainly never encounter awkward social situations... never) imagination exercise.
- Can you hear me now? Of course not!
My last point refers back to the whole reason I was set off on this rant - the guy at the ballgame. Have you ever tried talking on a phone in a basketball arena or outdoor stadium while game action is actually occurring? Normally these athletic events involve screaming fans, clapping hands, and pep bands (you get the rhyme for free). Such an atmosphere does not exactly ooze the opportunity for civil conversation.
In fact, I'm confident I can sum up 96.4-percent of such phone calls with the following transcript -
Fan at Arena (FaA): Hello?
Friend Calling at Inopportune Time (FCaIT): (inaudible)
FaA: (yelling) What?
FCaIT: (inaudible)
FaA: (yelling louder, because if you can't hear the person talking to you, it's obvious that YOU need to be louder) WHAT??? I'M AT THE GAME.
FCaIT: (inaudible again)
FaA: (yelling still) NO! THE GAME! THE BASKETBALL GAME!
FCaIT: (inaudible... although one phrase sounded like "chicken pudding in a trailer")
FaA: (now yelling so loud all fans in the area are glaring) YEAH, OK, I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
The point of this whole spiel is that - due to the fact that the odds of having a productive phone call at a ballgame are as likely as one of the athletes in that game removing his shoelaces, fashioning them into a bullwhip, and then using that whip to swing from the rafters - there is no point to having the Bluetooth earpiece in "ready to converse" position (in an ear) while at a sporting event.
As far as I know, these earpieces are not surgically attached upon purchase, and therefore they are removable. Wouldn't it be nice to give an ear a chance to live a little during a game, freeing it from its intrusive new occupant?
Please, guy at Bramlage and other Bluetooth earpiece users, use this technology in a sensible manner.
I have no qualms with the Bluetooth earpiece in general. In fact, it's a pretty slick innovation. It allows folks to devote both hands to driving and yet talk on their cell phone at the same time. As a result, it follows Derek's Essential Rule #84 - Safety First.
My issues with Bluetooth earpieces are multiple.
- What's a hand to do?
It's time for the first ever Writings of Derek Larson Physical Challenge. No matter where you are currently reading this, put one of your hands up to your ear (in phone-holding fashion), get up (if you're sitting - or lying down (I won't claim to know how you relax) - to read this), and walk 10 paces, turn around, and walk back to your current spot. I'll give you time to complete this challenge, occupying myself by singing a little tune...
"A man walks down the street, it's a street in a strange world;
Maybe it's the Third World, maybe it's his first time around;
He doesn't speak the language, he holds no currency;
He is a foreign man, he is surrounded by the sound, the sound;
Cattle in the marketplace, scatterlings and orphanages, he looks around, around;
He sees angels in the architecture, spinning in infinity;
He says 'amen, hallelujah!'
If you'll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal;
I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me you can call me Al;
Call me Al."
Thank you, Paul Simon.
Anyway, hopefully you've had enough time to complete the physical challenge. Now it's time to evaluate... While walking with your hand to your ear, did you walk right into anything, injuring yourself? Did your arm get really tired, to the point that you could no longer hold it up? Did you feel less safe than you would have with that arm at your side?
My point with all these inane questions is that taking advantage of the hands-free quality of the Bluetooth earpieces when not using your hands for anything else seems to serve no other purpose than promoting laziness. Granted, I'm not the ideal person to be giving a lecture on avoiding laziness. As I write this I'm slouched on my couch with my feet propped on my coffee table, and I'm slowly going thirsty because I can't reach my cup of lemonade (grow, arms, grow!). Nevertheless, I have successfully completed the physical challenge and stand by my "don't use Bluetooth earpieces if you're arms aren't engaged" stance.
- Are you talking to me?
You've (hopefully) passed the physical challenge (if not, I deeply apologize), now it's time to test your imagination.
Picture yourself in the grocery store of your choosing. Your cupboards are bare in your home and you've made the poor decision of going to buy groceries at dinnertime - before eating (dun dun DUNNNNN). Every food item you see looks delicious, and your cart is filling up faster than an Arrowhead Stadium restroom at halftime. As you stand in the frozen food aisle, attempting to determine exactly what brand of frozen pizza is right for you, you hear, "Hey, what's going on?"
You glance to your right and see some little lady pushing her cart your way, seemingly looking in your direction. You don't exactly recognize her, but you aren't exactly one who remembers every name/face you encounter. Not wanting to seem rude, you begin to toss your preferred greeting (whether it's "hello," "what's up," or "a hoi hoi"), before she seemingly cuts you off and says, "Yeah, I was totally hammered," (Is the fact that I live in a college town evident from the fact that such is a commonly overheard statement?).
You stand stunned, unsure exactly what the heck this girl is talking about and thinking it's a bit weird that she took the conversation - without any prompting - in such a direction... That is, until you notice that her hair is covering a barely visible Bluetooth earpiece. This girl does not know you and was not speaking to you, but instead was speaking to one of her little friends via Bluetooth. As you realize this, you attempt to cover up the appearance of your hand (partially raised, as you prepared to give your preferred visual greeting (be it a wave, a peace sign, or a Three Stooges eye poke)) and your mouth (partially open, as you had begun to toss out your spoken greeting) by quickly coughing into a closed fist... Your efforts earn you little more than a bewildered look and a stronger sense of self deprecation.
Had it not been for the Bluetooth earpiece, you would have minded your own business, picked up a couple pizzas, and been on your way.
Thank you for taking part in the this 100-percent hypothetical (I certainly never encounter awkward social situations... never) imagination exercise.
- Can you hear me now? Of course not!
My last point refers back to the whole reason I was set off on this rant - the guy at the ballgame. Have you ever tried talking on a phone in a basketball arena or outdoor stadium while game action is actually occurring? Normally these athletic events involve screaming fans, clapping hands, and pep bands (you get the rhyme for free). Such an atmosphere does not exactly ooze the opportunity for civil conversation.
In fact, I'm confident I can sum up 96.4-percent of such phone calls with the following transcript -
Fan at Arena (FaA): Hello?
Friend Calling at Inopportune Time (FCaIT): (inaudible)
FaA: (yelling) What?
FCaIT: (inaudible)
FaA: (yelling louder, because if you can't hear the person talking to you, it's obvious that YOU need to be louder) WHAT??? I'M AT THE GAME.
FCaIT: (inaudible again)
FaA: (yelling still) NO! THE GAME! THE BASKETBALL GAME!
FCaIT: (inaudible... although one phrase sounded like "chicken pudding in a trailer")
FaA: (now yelling so loud all fans in the area are glaring) YEAH, OK, I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
The point of this whole spiel is that - due to the fact that the odds of having a productive phone call at a ballgame are as likely as one of the athletes in that game removing his shoelaces, fashioning them into a bullwhip, and then using that whip to swing from the rafters - there is no point to having the Bluetooth earpiece in "ready to converse" position (in an ear) while at a sporting event.
As far as I know, these earpieces are not surgically attached upon purchase, and therefore they are removable. Wouldn't it be nice to give an ear a chance to live a little during a game, freeing it from its intrusive new occupant?
Please, guy at Bramlage and other Bluetooth earpiece users, use this technology in a sensible manner.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Observations From the Air - Southwest Edition
This was written a few weeks ago, on a business trip, but not publicized until now because of (insert valid excuse here). Forgive the lack of postings in February, my only excuse is that there are fewer days in this month, which makes it hard for me to take it seriously.
That's right, folks - traveling for work means more astounding airport action, which in turn means plenty of time for the thoughts that claim residence inside my head to run amok. What adventures will Derek encounter this trip? Read on...
2-11-08, Kansas City to Tucson
Good news - while waiting for my flight to board here at Kansas City International, I just made eye contact with one of the most attractice girls I've ever seen. We're talking absolutely gorgeous. Naturally, 43 seconds later some guy who looks like be belongs to the cast of "The Hills" came up and gave her a kiss... I now despise that show more than ever. Oddly enough, no more than 2 minutes and 19 seconds later, a TV in our Southwest gate 33 waiting area played a commercial featuring the theme song from the aforementioned, now exceedingly despised show. At this point, I'm getting worried about the prospects of this trip, since it seems that even my good friend television is turning against me.
Later, on the plane...
Good news - Southwest laughs in the face of those with peanut allergies and provides the little bags of peanuts anyway. Not only that, but my traveling companion has no interest in the tiny bag of deliciousness that she was given (which contains neither peas, nor nuts... think about it) and handed it to me. For those of you keeping score, I now have in my possession two bags of peanuts, despite the fact that I was completely lacking in the "package of generic peanuts" department when I awoke this morning... This is what we in the business refer to as positive peanut profit. It's the true goal of any trip.
---
Thanks to a short stop in Albequerque, I've had time to learn a little Spanish (salida means exit, or so I gather from the bilingual signs at the front, middle, and rear of this aircraft. I've also done a little browsing in the Skymall catalog. I have a theory that the folks at Skymall are the ones who insist that alcohol be available when traveling by air. That's not to say that I don't need a "Voice-Activated R2-D2" or a "Bigfoot - The Garden Yeti" sculpture, I just might need a few glasses of something pretty strong befor I realize it.
---
2-13-08, Tucson to Las Vegas
It is 6:30 a.m., the sun has yet to rise, and I'm on a flight out of Tucson. What have I come away with from my short time in the Arizona sun? Well, I've been treated like a VIP everywhere, visited a spot that John Wayne filmed movies, participated in a Tequila toast, eaten a meal that may have been more expensive than my weekly food budget, and learned more facts about cacti than any person who lives in the Midwest should know (are you aware that the barrell cactus grows leaning to the south 90-percent of the time?). Sure, there are other details, but who is here to hear about work?
2-13-08, Las Vegas to Kansas City
Unfortunately, my attempts at hitting a big jackpot in the LV airport and coming back to Kansas a rich man went unfulfilled. My time spent "gaming" was so unfruitful that the most exciting part may have been when the attendant monitoring a section of the slots asked to check my ID... Exciting stuff.
Making a special gues appearance on this flight - and sitting directly across the aisle from me - is a young man who seems to be the lead in an air-one-man-band. At our curising altitude of 28,000 feet, I've had the opportunity to witness this guy perform solos on the air guitar, air drums, and what appeared to be the air keyboard (a rare happening). He has also tossed in a little air dancing, and I can't believe I'm getting this show for free (and that I've been able to keep from laughing out loud).
This kid has talent. Granted, he may not be up to par with a group of young kids that formed an air band in basement back in the 80s (their rendition of "Wipeout" was amazing (this is a pretty obvious insider's inside joke... sorry for those who may be confused)), but he's still pretty good.
I may have to request an air autograph.
That's right, folks - traveling for work means more astounding airport action, which in turn means plenty of time for the thoughts that claim residence inside my head to run amok. What adventures will Derek encounter this trip? Read on...
2-11-08, Kansas City to Tucson
Good news - while waiting for my flight to board here at Kansas City International, I just made eye contact with one of the most attractice girls I've ever seen. We're talking absolutely gorgeous. Naturally, 43 seconds later some guy who looks like be belongs to the cast of "The Hills" came up and gave her a kiss... I now despise that show more than ever. Oddly enough, no more than 2 minutes and 19 seconds later, a TV in our Southwest gate 33 waiting area played a commercial featuring the theme song from the aforementioned, now exceedingly despised show. At this point, I'm getting worried about the prospects of this trip, since it seems that even my good friend television is turning against me.
Later, on the plane...
Good news - Southwest laughs in the face of those with peanut allergies and provides the little bags of peanuts anyway. Not only that, but my traveling companion has no interest in the tiny bag of deliciousness that she was given (which contains neither peas, nor nuts... think about it) and handed it to me. For those of you keeping score, I now have in my possession two bags of peanuts, despite the fact that I was completely lacking in the "package of generic peanuts" department when I awoke this morning... This is what we in the business refer to as positive peanut profit. It's the true goal of any trip.
---
Thanks to a short stop in Albequerque, I've had time to learn a little Spanish (salida means exit, or so I gather from the bilingual signs at the front, middle, and rear of this aircraft. I've also done a little browsing in the Skymall catalog. I have a theory that the folks at Skymall are the ones who insist that alcohol be available when traveling by air. That's not to say that I don't need a "Voice-Activated R2-D2" or a "Bigfoot - The Garden Yeti" sculpture, I just might need a few glasses of something pretty strong befor I realize it.
---
2-13-08, Tucson to Las Vegas
It is 6:30 a.m., the sun has yet to rise, and I'm on a flight out of Tucson. What have I come away with from my short time in the Arizona sun? Well, I've been treated like a VIP everywhere, visited a spot that John Wayne filmed movies, participated in a Tequila toast, eaten a meal that may have been more expensive than my weekly food budget, and learned more facts about cacti than any person who lives in the Midwest should know (are you aware that the barrell cactus grows leaning to the south 90-percent of the time?). Sure, there are other details, but who is here to hear about work?
2-13-08, Las Vegas to Kansas City
Unfortunately, my attempts at hitting a big jackpot in the LV airport and coming back to Kansas a rich man went unfulfilled. My time spent "gaming" was so unfruitful that the most exciting part may have been when the attendant monitoring a section of the slots asked to check my ID... Exciting stuff.
Making a special gues appearance on this flight - and sitting directly across the aisle from me - is a young man who seems to be the lead in an air-one-man-band. At our curising altitude of 28,000 feet, I've had the opportunity to witness this guy perform solos on the air guitar, air drums, and what appeared to be the air keyboard (a rare happening). He has also tossed in a little air dancing, and I can't believe I'm getting this show for free (and that I've been able to keep from laughing out loud).
This kid has talent. Granted, he may not be up to par with a group of young kids that formed an air band in basement back in the 80s (their rendition of "Wipeout" was amazing (this is a pretty obvious insider's inside joke... sorry for those who may be confused)), but he's still pretty good.
I may have to request an air autograph.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
84-75... You Understand
As a wave of purple exuberance flooded the Bramlage Coliseum court on Wednesday night, I was not sure what was racing faster - my heart thanks to 40 minutes of standing, shouting, living, and dying (figuratively) with every foul, turnover, and basket; or my brain while attempting to comprehend just how perfect the night had been and how big of a victory the Wildcats' 84-75 win over the Kansas Jayhawks really was.
One day later, my heart has slowed to the point that I'm no longer feating cardiac arrythmia, but thoughts are still zipping through my head like Wildcat point guard Jacob Pullen breaking a Jayhawk press.
With my mind as crowded as the Bramlage floor seconds after the clock hit 0:00, truly illustrating my thoughts in written form would look something like this:
HolysmokestheCatsfinallybeattheHawksatBramlage.NotonlythatbuttheybeattheNo.2teaminthecountry. OntopofallthatK-StateisnowinsolepossessionoffirstplaceintheBig12.Sweetmercy.Hallelujah.
As you can see, following that writing strategy may not be the most effective way of conveying my thoughts. This process needs deep, serious thought... like an award acceptance speech. And, well, I have a feeling winning an award could not have me feeling much better than this win has left me feeling, so consider this my speech at the podium (... it's a figurative podium).
Ahem...
First, I'd like to thank Michael Beasley and Bill Walker. It's been a long, long time since the best player on the court in the Sunflower Showdown has donned purple... Wednesday night, the Wildcats had the top two players. They may both be freshmen, but the young bucketization specialists do not seem to know the meaning of the phrase "big game jitters," and combining for 47 points seems to illustrate that rather well. They simply play the game, and as Beasley says, they "play for keeps."
... Oh, and thanks for following through on Beasley's prediction. Beat KU in Manhattan - check. Now there's that game in Lawrence... and one in Africa if they're feeling salty.
I'd like to thank coach Frank Martin. Efforts like this should help people realize that he's got a few things going for him other than being a friend of Bob Huggins and a key to keeping Beasley and Walker after Huggins' departure. The offense-defense rotations of Walker-Kent and Young-Sutton were moves that paid off. The switches between man and zone defenses were obviously effective as well.
Also, when some coaches speak of taking one game at a time, it can seem like lip service, but something about Martin shows it's 100-percent genuine in his case. He's chasing a championship, which is a mindset that hasn't exactly been associated with K-State basketball for awhile.
I'd like to thank the aforementioned Pullen, along with fellow guards Clent Stewart and Blake Young. Prior to the 7 p.m. tipoff on Wednesday, popular (unanimous?) opinion seemed to be that the Wildcats' backcourt would be their downfall. After all, KU's backcourt was simply too talented for the Stewart-Pullen-Young trio (that's SPY for you acronym fans out there). Funny how little popular opinion matters once a game starts. Pullen, continuing his transformation from a high school kid learning the college game into a legitmate threat on a legitimate team, scored 20 points while shooting a perfect 10-10 from the foul stripe - including several clutch free throws as the game neared an end. He also showed off his ballhandling capabilities, proving too quick for the Jayhawk defense while breaking presses and finding lanes to the basket on a consistent basis. Stewart scored 11 points while continuing to serve as the model of quiet consistency, and Young tallied five assists and no turnovers against a KU perimeter defense touted as the best in the conference.
I'd like to thank the rest of the Wildcats:
- Dominique Sutton for a harrassing defensive effort. Matched up for much of the game against Brandon Rush, Sutton responded to a push into the starting lineup and forced two steals. He also came up with a huge play, streaking in from the weak side to swat a Jayhawk layup.
- Darren Kent for playing his role in outstanding fashion. Sure his shots didn't fall, but Kent stepped in when Walker got in foul trouble and held his own in the post defensively. Seeing Kent play a key role for a Top 25 team may not be something I ever expected, but I certainly don't mind being wrong.
- The rest of the bench for keeping the crew energized.
I'd like to thank my cellphone for having a digital camera (or at least a poor excuse for one) allowing me to snap the above picture.
I'd like to thank the Bramlage crowd. From the students that arrived the night before and hid in shrubbery to avoid security to the 60-year-old man sitting next to me that exhibited his excitement through the wonder of hogcalls (suuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey), the atmosphere was the best I'd ever experienced in organized basketball. Constant standing, continuous noise and clever signs all added to an environment that I will not soon forget. I'm pretty confident the top five loudest moments ever at Bramlage may have all occurred in this game (sorry, debut of Joe Leonard... you'll have to settle for 6th place). Even a held ball 30 seconds into the game elicited a gigantic roar.
Also, a big thanks goes to the student section for realizing that the "o-ver-rate-ed" chant is not a flattering one and avoiding it completely. It's never fun to admit, but KU is a very good team. Fortunately, a 5-0 in conference play K-State team is showing that they may deserve that label, as well.
In closing, I'd like to thank my family for raising me to be what every Kansas kid should be... a Wildcat.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Gladiators in Our Country, and other things
As many folks know, American Gladiators recently received new television life. Gladiators had been dead since 1996, but NBC did its best Dr. Frankenstein impersonation and gave the show new life. As one who enjoyed watching the show on Saturday mornings during its original run, I naturally miss the nostalgia of Larry Csonka providing commentary and “Two Scoops” Berry becoming grand champion (I realize only three people alive have any clue what I’m talking about by this point). Nevertheless, I put in some time watching the program on Monday night (the second episode of the new iteration I’ve witnessed) and noted a couple of my favorite (read: most ridiculous) elements of AG08.
And down on the floor with the next contestant… Hulk Hogan?
As anyone who has seen Mr. Terry Bollea (how many “cool points” does knowing a pro wrestler’s real name deduct?) compete in the squared-circle (no, I don’t know how that term makes any sense at all) knows, the man who once played Thunderlips in Rocky III is a “Real American.” (He fights for the rights of every man)
Unfortunately, being a real American doesn’t make you a good host/sideline reporter. While Hogan still delights Hulkamaniacs around the globe by sporting his trademark blonde handlebar mustache and bandanna atop his bald dome, his attempts at interviewing contestants sound so scripted that I think the striking Writer’s Guild may have a beef with the show. It’s fairly obvious that Bob Costas would not make much of a professional wrestler, so I’m not sure why the Hulkster would be expected to be a talented reporter.
Of course, Hulk’s misgivings as an announcer would all be forgiven if he would just end every interview by telling the contender to says his-or-her prayers and take his-or-her vitamins.
Ridiculous names and gimmicks for the gladiators
Despite the fact that these events are (apparently) legit competitions, American Gladiators took a page from the former World Wrestling Federation’s book by attaching names and gimmicks to some of the gladiators. Granted, there are no evil clowns or angry dentists, but some of the characters come off as nothing more than delightfully stupid.
The most absurd of all these characters is a man who calls himself “Wolf.” Wolf sports a mane of wild brown hair, an abundance of facial hair, and insists on howling before and after his events. His look and actions are almost animal-like. It’s like he’s trying to come of as some sort of … coyote, or something.
Runner-up for the most incongruous name goes a woman who looks like the long, lost member of the von Trapp family, and whose favorite things include weight sets and dumbbells instead of raindrops on roses. For Gladiators’ purposes, despite the fact that her actual name seems to have no Norse connections, this woman is known as Hellga… You read no typo. Not only is this woman apparently a warrior of the Viking variety, but she also is evil enough that the depths of the underworld are actually spelled out in her name.
In other news…
I recently came across this link, http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html , which should be of great benefit to any potential (or current) parents out there. When in doubt, check the chart.
I have to think giving a State of the Union Address would be a huge confidence booster. Where else can you get ovations (often of the standing variety) after nearly every sentence you complete?
If you are viewing this via www.dereklarson.blogspot.com (sorry Facebook note readers, no luck for you) you may have noticed the new poll feature on the left side of the page. Take a look, vote (two votes at last tally… woohoo!), and let me know if you have any good ideas for poll questions in the future. I can always use the opinions of two different people for some good research.
Finally…
Obviously, there’s a huge game taking place in Bramlage Coliseum on Wednesday night. It’s not often that K-State attempts to break a 24-home-game losing streak against its in-state rival in a contest that features the No. 2 and No. 22 teams in the country (hard to believe, I know). The Wildcats are playing much better than they have in years, but defeating Kansas will still take quite an effort.
Can the Wildcats win? Absolutely.
Despite what national reporters may say concerning their infatuations with the Eric Gordons and Derrick Roses of the world, Michael Beasley is the best freshman (and probably best player) in the country. Disagree? Check the stats. It’s hard to argue with the No. 4 scorer and leading rebounder in the nation. Add Bill Walker into the mix (averaging 17 ppg in conference play) and you’re looking at one of the best forward combinations in the nation. The rest of the crew might not be names that strike fear in the hearts of many, but they comprise a team that has improved as much as a Guitar Hero player who discovered he’s been holding the controller upside-down.
Will the Wildcats win? … I don’t exactly have the most accurate record when it comes to written predictions. Then again, I've never tried including a hidden prediction (probably available to those reading at www.dereklarson.blogspot.com only)...
And down on the floor with the next contestant… Hulk Hogan?
As anyone who has seen Mr. Terry Bollea (how many “cool points” does knowing a pro wrestler’s real name deduct?) compete in the squared-circle (no, I don’t know how that term makes any sense at all) knows, the man who once played Thunderlips in Rocky III is a “Real American.” (He fights for the rights of every man)
Unfortunately, being a real American doesn’t make you a good host/sideline reporter. While Hogan still delights Hulkamaniacs around the globe by sporting his trademark blonde handlebar mustache and bandanna atop his bald dome, his attempts at interviewing contestants sound so scripted that I think the striking Writer’s Guild may have a beef with the show. It’s fairly obvious that Bob Costas would not make much of a professional wrestler, so I’m not sure why the Hulkster would be expected to be a talented reporter.
Of course, Hulk’s misgivings as an announcer would all be forgiven if he would just end every interview by telling the contender to says his-or-her prayers and take his-or-her vitamins.
Ridiculous names and gimmicks for the gladiators
Despite the fact that these events are (apparently) legit competitions, American Gladiators took a page from the former World Wrestling Federation’s book by attaching names and gimmicks to some of the gladiators. Granted, there are no evil clowns or angry dentists, but some of the characters come off as nothing more than delightfully stupid.
The most absurd of all these characters is a man who calls himself “Wolf.” Wolf sports a mane of wild brown hair, an abundance of facial hair, and insists on howling before and after his events. His look and actions are almost animal-like. It’s like he’s trying to come of as some sort of … coyote, or something.
Runner-up for the most incongruous name goes a woman who looks like the long, lost member of the von Trapp family, and whose favorite things include weight sets and dumbbells instead of raindrops on roses. For Gladiators’ purposes, despite the fact that her actual name seems to have no Norse connections, this woman is known as Hellga… You read no typo. Not only is this woman apparently a warrior of the Viking variety, but she also is evil enough that the depths of the underworld are actually spelled out in her name.
In other news…
I recently came across this link, http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html , which should be of great benefit to any potential (or current) parents out there. When in doubt, check the chart.
I have to think giving a State of the Union Address would be a huge confidence booster. Where else can you get ovations (often of the standing variety) after nearly every sentence you complete?
If you are viewing this via www.dereklarson.blogspot.com (sorry Facebook note readers, no luck for you) you may have noticed the new poll feature on the left side of the page. Take a look, vote (two votes at last tally… woohoo!), and let me know if you have any good ideas for poll questions in the future. I can always use the opinions of two different people for some good research.
Finally…
Obviously, there’s a huge game taking place in Bramlage Coliseum on Wednesday night. It’s not often that K-State attempts to break a 24-home-game losing streak against its in-state rival in a contest that features the No. 2 and No. 22 teams in the country (hard to believe, I know). The Wildcats are playing much better than they have in years, but defeating Kansas will still take quite an effort.
Can the Wildcats win? Absolutely.
Despite what national reporters may say concerning their infatuations with the Eric Gordons and Derrick Roses of the world, Michael Beasley is the best freshman (and probably best player) in the country. Disagree? Check the stats. It’s hard to argue with the No. 4 scorer and leading rebounder in the nation. Add Bill Walker into the mix (averaging 17 ppg in conference play) and you’re looking at one of the best forward combinations in the nation. The rest of the crew might not be names that strike fear in the hearts of many, but they comprise a team that has improved as much as a Guitar Hero player who discovered he’s been holding the controller upside-down.
Will the Wildcats win? … I don’t exactly have the most accurate record when it comes to written predictions. Then again, I've never tried including a hidden prediction (probably available to those reading at www.dereklarson.blogspot.com only)...
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Let's Go Cats!
In case you are not aware, I exhibit some hermit-like tendencies. On a nice Saturday with nothing major to do, I've done exactly that - nothing major. Aside from a trip to a large chain store that may one day rule the world (hint: it rhymes with Ball-Cart), I've basically put a dent in my couch while watching college basketball. With K-State now opening Big 12 competition with a battle against the Oklahoma Sooners, there's even more hoops on the schedule.
My media coverage of D-1 basketball has been mostly limited to the women's game this season, and as a result I'm suffering a few symptoms of withdrawal when it comes to writing about the men's side. Therefore, I'm going to hit the highlights (or random points) of this game as I view it on my home theater (i.e., six-year-old TV).
Pregame- The starting lineups are shown, and Andre Gilbert remains in the starting lineup, despite the continual emergence of recent Wildcat addition Dominique Sutton. That's a situation that will probably change by the end of the month.
1st half
16:38- The Cats are up 10-9, thanks in part (we'll call it 50-percent) to five early points (five is 50-percent of 10... yes, I did go to a couple math contests as an elementary schooler) by Michael Beasley. Beasley is matching up against OU forward Blake Griffin, probably the second-best frosh in the conference, behind Beasley... Believe it or not, that storyline has already been mentioned a few times.
13:45- Shortly after checking in, Sutton scores his first two points of the game off a couple free throws to put the Cats up 15-12.
12:41- Luis Colon gets an offensive foul after throwing an elbow while posting up. If there was an event more likely to happen in this game than that one, I'm not sure what it would be.
9:50- The TV play-by-play announcer asks the rhetorical question "How good would (the Wildcats) be with (injured forward) David Hoskins?" Luckily, I've become accustomed to the "knife in the chest" feeling that has consistently followed this question the entire season.
9:10- OU's Longar Longar hits a pair of free throws to put the Sooners up 26-24. I get the feeling Dunder Mifflin's Michael Scott would have a hard time refraining from voicing his trademark, "That's what she said," saying if he were in Paul Splittorff's spot as the color announcer.
Minutes later - During a commercial break, I contemplate how entertaining an announcing team of Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute would be (Although it's not possible. They're fictional... and overqualified). Granted, the basketball IQ would be low, but I guarantee fans would learn a few facts about bears.
6:34- Beasley rebounds his own shot and scores, as the Sooners lead 30-29. What can I say, the kid is fun to watch. At least I'll probably have an NBA team to truly root for next year.
4:06- Beasley hits a baseline jumper to increase his point total to 13 and again pull the Wildcats within a point, 34-33... Meanwhile, I'm writing a letter to NBA commissioner David Stern petitioning the creation of a rule requiring college players to finish their eligibility at a school before being drafted.
2:14- K-State now leads 37-34, after six straight points by number 30. Finding the right balance between Beasley's scoring and the rest of the Wildcats will play a huge role in the conference season (sorry... that was my Madden-esque, obvious comment of the day).
1:02- Griffin zips right around Colon for an quick bucket... I shake my head.
Half- The Wildcats lead 42-40.
-- Flipping through channels at the half, I discover a news story about a man who wrecked his pickup. The story is obviously unfortunate, but it takes an interesting twist - He did not buckle himself into his seat belt, resulting in injury, but his 12-pack of beer was buckled in tight and secure in its seat (http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Quirks/2008/01/08/beer_wore_seatbelt_man_did_not/7287/) ... I guess life is all about priorities.
2nd half
18:45- Bill Walker sinks a 3-pointer to put the Cats up 45-44.
18:02- Walker hits another 3-pointer. If this were NBA Jam, the announcer would have just said, "He's heating up."
17:09- Beasley eclipses the 20-point mark after point guard Clent Stewart follows the "when in doubt, get it to Beasley" rule... It's a good rule.
16:12- Sutton picks off a pass like a seasoned NFL cornerback and draws the foul at the opposite end. K-State is up 51-48 after Sutton converts one-of-two free throws.
14:44- Freshman point guard Jacob Pullen connects with Beasley for a perfectly orchestrated alley-oop. Seems like a good momentum builder.
12:51- Seems like I was wrong, as Oklahoma finishes a quick six-point run to lead 57-55.
Commercial break - Can someone please alert the cows of the world that they're consistently spelling "chicken" wrong? I know the idea of talking to cows may seem absurd, but if they know enough to compose sentences, surely they can understand us. It's not "chikin," you fools!
12:16- Walker converts an and-one situation, and the Wildcats are back up 58-57... and I'm not making anymore predictions tonight.
11:40- With half a minute left on the shot clock, Darren Kent lofts a 3-pointer from the left wing that does not find its intended destination. It's at this point that I directly channel the sentiments of every other Wildcat fan watching the game. "What the...?"
10:45- 62-60 Wildcats, after another Beasley jumper.
9:39- Walker converts another bucket-and-foul combo.
9:00- Walker drives around Griffin and throws down a huge two-handed slam... I'd like to thank the Wildcat coaching staff for realizing the match up problems that could be created by playing Walker at the four-spot with Beasley at the five. K-State leads 67-62.
6:26- Griffin throws down a slam to give the Sooners a one-point lead. Beasley follows at the other end with a quick shot from the short corner... It would be pretty fun to see these two match up for three more years... Ahh, dreams.
5:01- A Blake Young 3-pointer is followed by a Tony Crocker 3 for OU... 72-72, Hello shootout.
3:32- Beasley absorbs contact in the lane, scores a bucket and hits the ensuing free throw. 75-74, Wildcats.
Under 3 minutes - This is nerve-wracking.
2:01- Walker converts again when fouled in the lane, but this time the free throw won't drop... I think that means Walker should stick around for another season... please.
2:00- Thank goodness Griffin can't hit free throws. The kid keeps getting to the line, but he's struggling... Nevertheless, this seems to be another Big 12 freshman that is quite a player.
1:09- HUGE 3-pointer by Oklahoma-native Clent Stewart to put K-State up 82-78. Sticking the open treys that result from double-teams down low will be a big key for Stewart the rest of the season (Mr. Obvious makes his inevitable return).
0:24- A Griffin steal and dunk ties the game. Stewart's pass at the top of the key was a bit weak, and Griffin took full advantage.
Did I mention the wracked state of my nerves at this point? I had a press row seat for the K-State-OU game a few years ago when former-Sooner Drew Lavender went coast-to-coast and sank the Wildcats with a buzzer-beater. Such a memory is filed under "Good, Not."
I have a pretty good guess as to who would get the final shot... but that's just me.
0:00- A penetrating Pullen draws the defense in, and he finds an open (huh?) Beasley underneath the basket for the final deuce. OU's last-second heave misses the mark.
Hello victory. The Wildcats open Big 12 Conference play 1-0 with a road win. Such a victory could be pretty big for a K-State team that needs to get as many quality wins as it can in league play to increase its chances at the NCAA Tournament.
I also appreciate the fact that I didn't spend time during the game taking all these notes only to be frustrated with the result. Such would not be something I'd deem as an "enjoyable venture."
The basic formula the Cats used tonight (strong efforts from Beasley (32 points, 11 rebounds) and Walker (22 points)) will be essential to success in the Big 12, but the Wildcats will need to improve their effort on the glass (out-rebounded 30-26).
Overall, you're looking at a very encouraging win for K-State, and something good to build off with a match up against the no. 10 Texas A&M Aggies looming next Saturday... Something tells me you may read about this team in this space again.
My media coverage of D-1 basketball has been mostly limited to the women's game this season, and as a result I'm suffering a few symptoms of withdrawal when it comes to writing about the men's side. Therefore, I'm going to hit the highlights (or random points) of this game as I view it on my home theater (i.e., six-year-old TV).
Pregame- The starting lineups are shown, and Andre Gilbert remains in the starting lineup, despite the continual emergence of recent Wildcat addition Dominique Sutton. That's a situation that will probably change by the end of the month.
1st half
16:38- The Cats are up 10-9, thanks in part (we'll call it 50-percent) to five early points (five is 50-percent of 10... yes, I did go to a couple math contests as an elementary schooler) by Michael Beasley. Beasley is matching up against OU forward Blake Griffin, probably the second-best frosh in the conference, behind Beasley... Believe it or not, that storyline has already been mentioned a few times.
13:45- Shortly after checking in, Sutton scores his first two points of the game off a couple free throws to put the Cats up 15-12.
12:41- Luis Colon gets an offensive foul after throwing an elbow while posting up. If there was an event more likely to happen in this game than that one, I'm not sure what it would be.
9:50- The TV play-by-play announcer asks the rhetorical question "How good would (the Wildcats) be with (injured forward) David Hoskins?" Luckily, I've become accustomed to the "knife in the chest" feeling that has consistently followed this question the entire season.
9:10- OU's Longar Longar hits a pair of free throws to put the Sooners up 26-24. I get the feeling Dunder Mifflin's Michael Scott would have a hard time refraining from voicing his trademark, "That's what she said," saying if he were in Paul Splittorff's spot as the color announcer.
Minutes later - During a commercial break, I contemplate how entertaining an announcing team of Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute would be (Although it's not possible. They're fictional... and overqualified). Granted, the basketball IQ would be low, but I guarantee fans would learn a few facts about bears.
6:34- Beasley rebounds his own shot and scores, as the Sooners lead 30-29. What can I say, the kid is fun to watch. At least I'll probably have an NBA team to truly root for next year.
4:06- Beasley hits a baseline jumper to increase his point total to 13 and again pull the Wildcats within a point, 34-33... Meanwhile, I'm writing a letter to NBA commissioner David Stern petitioning the creation of a rule requiring college players to finish their eligibility at a school before being drafted.
2:14- K-State now leads 37-34, after six straight points by number 30. Finding the right balance between Beasley's scoring and the rest of the Wildcats will play a huge role in the conference season (sorry... that was my Madden-esque, obvious comment of the day).
1:02- Griffin zips right around Colon for an quick bucket... I shake my head.
Half- The Wildcats lead 42-40.
-- Flipping through channels at the half, I discover a news story about a man who wrecked his pickup. The story is obviously unfortunate, but it takes an interesting twist - He did not buckle himself into his seat belt, resulting in injury, but his 12-pack of beer was buckled in tight and secure in its seat (http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Quirks/2008/01/08/beer_wore_seatbelt_man_did_not/7287/) ... I guess life is all about priorities.
2nd half
18:45- Bill Walker sinks a 3-pointer to put the Cats up 45-44.
18:02- Walker hits another 3-pointer. If this were NBA Jam, the announcer would have just said, "He's heating up."
17:09- Beasley eclipses the 20-point mark after point guard Clent Stewart follows the "when in doubt, get it to Beasley" rule... It's a good rule.
16:12- Sutton picks off a pass like a seasoned NFL cornerback and draws the foul at the opposite end. K-State is up 51-48 after Sutton converts one-of-two free throws.
14:44- Freshman point guard Jacob Pullen connects with Beasley for a perfectly orchestrated alley-oop. Seems like a good momentum builder.
12:51- Seems like I was wrong, as Oklahoma finishes a quick six-point run to lead 57-55.
Commercial break - Can someone please alert the cows of the world that they're consistently spelling "chicken" wrong? I know the idea of talking to cows may seem absurd, but if they know enough to compose sentences, surely they can understand us. It's not "chikin," you fools!
12:16- Walker converts an and-one situation, and the Wildcats are back up 58-57... and I'm not making anymore predictions tonight.
11:40- With half a minute left on the shot clock, Darren Kent lofts a 3-pointer from the left wing that does not find its intended destination. It's at this point that I directly channel the sentiments of every other Wildcat fan watching the game. "What the...?"
10:45- 62-60 Wildcats, after another Beasley jumper.
9:39- Walker converts another bucket-and-foul combo.
9:00- Walker drives around Griffin and throws down a huge two-handed slam... I'd like to thank the Wildcat coaching staff for realizing the match up problems that could be created by playing Walker at the four-spot with Beasley at the five. K-State leads 67-62.
6:26- Griffin throws down a slam to give the Sooners a one-point lead. Beasley follows at the other end with a quick shot from the short corner... It would be pretty fun to see these two match up for three more years... Ahh, dreams.
5:01- A Blake Young 3-pointer is followed by a Tony Crocker 3 for OU... 72-72, Hello shootout.
3:32- Beasley absorbs contact in the lane, scores a bucket and hits the ensuing free throw. 75-74, Wildcats.
Under 3 minutes - This is nerve-wracking.
2:01- Walker converts again when fouled in the lane, but this time the free throw won't drop... I think that means Walker should stick around for another season... please.
2:00- Thank goodness Griffin can't hit free throws. The kid keeps getting to the line, but he's struggling... Nevertheless, this seems to be another Big 12 freshman that is quite a player.
1:09- HUGE 3-pointer by Oklahoma-native Clent Stewart to put K-State up 82-78. Sticking the open treys that result from double-teams down low will be a big key for Stewart the rest of the season (Mr. Obvious makes his inevitable return).
0:24- A Griffin steal and dunk ties the game. Stewart's pass at the top of the key was a bit weak, and Griffin took full advantage.
Did I mention the wracked state of my nerves at this point? I had a press row seat for the K-State-OU game a few years ago when former-Sooner Drew Lavender went coast-to-coast and sank the Wildcats with a buzzer-beater. Such a memory is filed under "Good, Not."
I have a pretty good guess as to who would get the final shot... but that's just me.
0:00- A penetrating Pullen draws the defense in, and he finds an open (huh?) Beasley underneath the basket for the final deuce. OU's last-second heave misses the mark.
Hello victory. The Wildcats open Big 12 Conference play 1-0 with a road win. Such a victory could be pretty big for a K-State team that needs to get as many quality wins as it can in league play to increase its chances at the NCAA Tournament.
I also appreciate the fact that I didn't spend time during the game taking all these notes only to be frustrated with the result. Such would not be something I'd deem as an "enjoyable venture."
The basic formula the Cats used tonight (strong efforts from Beasley (32 points, 11 rebounds) and Walker (22 points)) will be essential to success in the Big 12, but the Wildcats will need to improve their effort on the glass (out-rebounded 30-26).
Overall, you're looking at a very encouraging win for K-State, and something good to build off with a match up against the no. 10 Texas A&M Aggies looming next Saturday... Something tells me you may read about this team in this space again.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Looking Back and Glancing Ahead
I apologize.
Apparently I misinterpreted this whole “Television Writers’ Strike.” It applies to individuals who get paid to write scripts, jokes, etc., for television shows… not people who write as a hobby about things they see on TV (this explains why my picketing in Manhattan, Kansas has been such a lonely affair). As a result, I’ve been slacking on updating this reservoir for carefully crafted written works (translation: blog). Because of this, the public (one person) has been in an uproar (slight sense of disapproval).
Well, the new year has arrived and with it comes a resolution: I will heed the demands (suggestions in passing) of the greater public (again, one person), and compose more exemplifications of self-expression via the written word (pointless, rambling things filled with inside jokes that may not entertain anyone but myself) than I have been.
How serious am I about this resolution? I’ve downgraded my Netflix account to one movie at-a-time in order to allow more opportunities to write (… pausing to allow situation-appropriate gasps and possible fainting spells…). That’s right, I’m sacrificing an opportunity to see feature films (some of which are distinctly putrid... right Pick of Destiny?) that will be around forever in order to hone my ability to concoct prose.
In effort to assist in the strenuous task of thinking of subjects to write about (a process that often consists of turning on the television (I’ve got sensitive thumbs)), I’m now also taking requests for topics. To start things off, I’ve conducted an in-depth study and discovered that my readership insists on a recap of 2007 and a look ahead at 2008 (the aforementioned “one person” suggested the idea, again in passing).
Without further ado, here’s 2007 in review (that’s right, 2008 Derek will not be constricted by a fear of rhyming; he’ll embrace it)…
January 2007-
On my 25-year journey to becoming the person I am on this very day, I entertained many ideas as to what profession I might one day pursue. Would I be a taxi driver? An archaeologist? A professional baseball player? The possibilities were endless. Possibilities never considered by young Derek were anything that involved frozen water (figure skater, ice hockey player, ice fisherman, Vanilla Ice backup dancer) and I showed why on a fateful (clumsy) January day.
Walking into work, a slip on the ice brought about one immediate thought. No, it wasn’t, “Ouch, my wrist.” As I scrambled back to my feet, the most pressing thought in my mind was, “Wow, I hope no one saw that.” Luckily for my short-term pride, no one did, but increasing discomfort in the scaphoid (fancy name for one of the bones in the wrist) near my right hand brought about worries and ultimately a trip to the doctor. With the ensuing x-rays, cast application, and weeks of attempting to live left-handed, the question that always remained was, “Oh, what happened?” Unfortunately, the answer was always “Well, I have the balance of a cross-eyed pirate who’s had too much rum, misplaced his wooden leg, and now must maneuver across a sopping poop deck.”
Stupid ice.
February 2007-
Please be patient while I channel my inner James Lipton (or a written knock-off of Will Ferrell’s impersonation)…
The entire world stopped and applauded as Eddie Murphy’s film Norbit hit theaters and declared box office supremacy. Norbit used a COMPLETELY ORIGINAL story element that involved a comedian dressing up as a very fat woman. The result: comedic gold.
March 2007-
The annual “This Is Why You Don’t Bet On Games/Take That, Derek’s Bracket” game happened in just the second round of the NCAA Tournament when USC topped freshman phenom Kevin Durant and crew. Seeing the final score of that game left me feeling like a depressed Ron Burgandy walking the sunny streets of San Diego with a carton of milk. “Texas was a bad choice.”
April 2007-
Diego Gasques won the 7th edition of Big Brother Brasil (thanks, Wikipedia)… Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything.
May 2007-
I ended my residence at one of the most ramshackled excuses for an apartment that I’ve ever been witness to. In my time there, my ceiling leaked, bugs roamed as if it was their natural habitat, and my sidewalk and driveway were never scooped of their snow and ice once (please note: I’m normally capable of shoveling such snow, but there was the whole broken wrist issue). Despite all these issues and complaints, upon moving out I was penalized an outlandish amount of money for things like having dust on the blinds and not cleaning an oven that happened to be caked in preposterous amounts of char when I moved in.
In case you’re wondering, that landlord did not receive a Christmas card.
June 2007-
The Kansas City Royals put together their first winning month since 2003, while pitcher Brian Bannister won the American League Rookie of the Month award. You didn’t think I could write review piece without mentioning the Royals, did you?
July 2007-
It was hot… Apparently so hot that I couldn’t think.
August 2007-
The Kansas City Chiefs started preseason play and scored a total of 10 points against a Miami Dolphins team that would flirt with a 0-16 regular season record. Who says preseason games don’t tell you anything?
September 2007-
The world of professional football continued to turn against Derek Larson, as the Chiefs opened the season 0-2 (scoring 13 total points in the process) and all [number omitted in effort to maintain dignity] of his fantasy teams suffered from injuries, inept performances, or both.
October 2007-
Following suit, college football began its turn against me, as K-State dropped games to Kansas and Oklahoma State. Because the Orange Bowl is on the television in front of me as I write this, I refuse to discuss any further outcomes of the college football season.
November 2007-
Michael Beasley made his debut in what is destined to be an abbreviated collegiate career. The prospects of a 30-point, 20-rebound effort seemed like a supernatural effort to Wildcat fans the previous March, but Beasley accomplished the effort in his first regular season game… The phrase “special player” comes to mind.
December 2007-
Bringing events of the year full-circle, my nemesis, Ice, returned and this time attacked in full force. Ice blanketed much of the state, and put many folks without electricity for several days. I was only without power for seven hours, but I may have been developing Cabin Fever by the end of it.
Ice may have gotten the best of me in 2007, but 2008 will be different. In fact, I’m going to request that anyone reading this immediately run to the nearest freezer, remove some ice cubes and put them in the microwave for two minutes…. Now who’s laughing, Ice?
Aside from my all-out battle against the forces of all 14-known solid phases of water (again, Wikipedia… anyone can edit it, so you know it’s accurate), what else will 2008 bring?
The TV Writers’ strike will end when a network airs a new reality show called Who Needs Writers? on which random folks try to act in a television show without a script. The resulting clueless stares on the faces of the actors will seem funny at first, but will wear on viewers after the first 40 minutes without dialogue.
I will pick KU to lose within the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament (this receives the ‘DL Guarantee’).
The Kansas City Chiefs will use their top-10 draft pick on a defensive lineman that has size and plenty of “potential” but will never pan out and will be off the team in three years (please be wrong).
The Kansas City Royals will show marked improvement and will compete for third place in a strong American League Central division (the third time predicting this has to be a charm, right?).
My calls for the short lived TV series 3 South to return to television or at least be put on DVD will continue to be ignored.
A young actress/musician will be arrested for something drug/alcohol related and the media will treat it as if it’s an unprecedented situation (quite a stretch, I know).
I will struggle to think of ideas of things to write about and will need inspiration. Send me ideas.
Exciting, unforeseen events will occur, and great things will happen… Who do I look like, Miss Cleo?
And finally, the population of the public (one person) that demands so much of me (makes passing comments) will double by the end of the year… How’s that for positive thinking?
Apparently I misinterpreted this whole “Television Writers’ Strike.” It applies to individuals who get paid to write scripts, jokes, etc., for television shows… not people who write as a hobby about things they see on TV (this explains why my picketing in Manhattan, Kansas has been such a lonely affair). As a result, I’ve been slacking on updating this reservoir for carefully crafted written works (translation: blog). Because of this, the public (one person) has been in an uproar (slight sense of disapproval).
Well, the new year has arrived and with it comes a resolution: I will heed the demands (suggestions in passing) of the greater public (again, one person), and compose more exemplifications of self-expression via the written word (pointless, rambling things filled with inside jokes that may not entertain anyone but myself) than I have been.
How serious am I about this resolution? I’ve downgraded my Netflix account to one movie at-a-time in order to allow more opportunities to write (… pausing to allow situation-appropriate gasps and possible fainting spells…). That’s right, I’m sacrificing an opportunity to see feature films (some of which are distinctly putrid... right Pick of Destiny?) that will be around forever in order to hone my ability to concoct prose.
In effort to assist in the strenuous task of thinking of subjects to write about (a process that often consists of turning on the television (I’ve got sensitive thumbs)), I’m now also taking requests for topics. To start things off, I’ve conducted an in-depth study and discovered that my readership insists on a recap of 2007 and a look ahead at 2008 (the aforementioned “one person” suggested the idea, again in passing).
Without further ado, here’s 2007 in review (that’s right, 2008 Derek will not be constricted by a fear of rhyming; he’ll embrace it)…
January 2007-
On my 25-year journey to becoming the person I am on this very day, I entertained many ideas as to what profession I might one day pursue. Would I be a taxi driver? An archaeologist? A professional baseball player? The possibilities were endless. Possibilities never considered by young Derek were anything that involved frozen water (figure skater, ice hockey player, ice fisherman, Vanilla Ice backup dancer) and I showed why on a fateful (clumsy) January day.
Walking into work, a slip on the ice brought about one immediate thought. No, it wasn’t, “Ouch, my wrist.” As I scrambled back to my feet, the most pressing thought in my mind was, “Wow, I hope no one saw that.” Luckily for my short-term pride, no one did, but increasing discomfort in the scaphoid (fancy name for one of the bones in the wrist) near my right hand brought about worries and ultimately a trip to the doctor. With the ensuing x-rays, cast application, and weeks of attempting to live left-handed, the question that always remained was, “Oh, what happened?” Unfortunately, the answer was always “Well, I have the balance of a cross-eyed pirate who’s had too much rum, misplaced his wooden leg, and now must maneuver across a sopping poop deck.”
Stupid ice.
February 2007-
Please be patient while I channel my inner James Lipton (or a written knock-off of Will Ferrell’s impersonation)…
The entire world stopped and applauded as Eddie Murphy’s film Norbit hit theaters and declared box office supremacy. Norbit used a COMPLETELY ORIGINAL story element that involved a comedian dressing up as a very fat woman. The result: comedic gold.
March 2007-
The annual “This Is Why You Don’t Bet On Games/Take That, Derek’s Bracket” game happened in just the second round of the NCAA Tournament when USC topped freshman phenom Kevin Durant and crew. Seeing the final score of that game left me feeling like a depressed Ron Burgandy walking the sunny streets of San Diego with a carton of milk. “Texas was a bad choice.”
April 2007-
Diego Gasques won the 7th edition of Big Brother Brasil (thanks, Wikipedia)… Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything.
May 2007-
I ended my residence at one of the most ramshackled excuses for an apartment that I’ve ever been witness to. In my time there, my ceiling leaked, bugs roamed as if it was their natural habitat, and my sidewalk and driveway were never scooped of their snow and ice once (please note: I’m normally capable of shoveling such snow, but there was the whole broken wrist issue). Despite all these issues and complaints, upon moving out I was penalized an outlandish amount of money for things like having dust on the blinds and not cleaning an oven that happened to be caked in preposterous amounts of char when I moved in.
In case you’re wondering, that landlord did not receive a Christmas card.
June 2007-
The Kansas City Royals put together their first winning month since 2003, while pitcher Brian Bannister won the American League Rookie of the Month award. You didn’t think I could write review piece without mentioning the Royals, did you?
July 2007-
It was hot… Apparently so hot that I couldn’t think.
August 2007-
The Kansas City Chiefs started preseason play and scored a total of 10 points against a Miami Dolphins team that would flirt with a 0-16 regular season record. Who says preseason games don’t tell you anything?
September 2007-
The world of professional football continued to turn against Derek Larson, as the Chiefs opened the season 0-2 (scoring 13 total points in the process) and all [number omitted in effort to maintain dignity] of his fantasy teams suffered from injuries, inept performances, or both.
October 2007-
Following suit, college football began its turn against me, as K-State dropped games to Kansas and Oklahoma State. Because the Orange Bowl is on the television in front of me as I write this, I refuse to discuss any further outcomes of the college football season.
November 2007-
Michael Beasley made his debut in what is destined to be an abbreviated collegiate career. The prospects of a 30-point, 20-rebound effort seemed like a supernatural effort to Wildcat fans the previous March, but Beasley accomplished the effort in his first regular season game… The phrase “special player” comes to mind.
December 2007-
Bringing events of the year full-circle, my nemesis, Ice, returned and this time attacked in full force. Ice blanketed much of the state, and put many folks without electricity for several days. I was only without power for seven hours, but I may have been developing Cabin Fever by the end of it.
Ice may have gotten the best of me in 2007, but 2008 will be different. In fact, I’m going to request that anyone reading this immediately run to the nearest freezer, remove some ice cubes and put them in the microwave for two minutes…. Now who’s laughing, Ice?
Aside from my all-out battle against the forces of all 14-known solid phases of water (again, Wikipedia… anyone can edit it, so you know it’s accurate), what else will 2008 bring?
The TV Writers’ strike will end when a network airs a new reality show called Who Needs Writers? on which random folks try to act in a television show without a script. The resulting clueless stares on the faces of the actors will seem funny at first, but will wear on viewers after the first 40 minutes without dialogue.
I will pick KU to lose within the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament (this receives the ‘DL Guarantee’).
The Kansas City Chiefs will use their top-10 draft pick on a defensive lineman that has size and plenty of “potential” but will never pan out and will be off the team in three years (please be wrong).
The Kansas City Royals will show marked improvement and will compete for third place in a strong American League Central division (the third time predicting this has to be a charm, right?).
My calls for the short lived TV series 3 South to return to television or at least be put on DVD will continue to be ignored.
A young actress/musician will be arrested for something drug/alcohol related and the media will treat it as if it’s an unprecedented situation (quite a stretch, I know).
I will struggle to think of ideas of things to write about and will need inspiration. Send me ideas.
Exciting, unforeseen events will occur, and great things will happen… Who do I look like, Miss Cleo?
And finally, the population of the public (one person) that demands so much of me (makes passing comments) will double by the end of the year… How’s that for positive thinking?
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