Looking Back and Glancing Ahead

I apologize.

Apparently I misinterpreted this whole “Television Writers’ Strike.” It applies to individuals who get paid to write scripts, jokes, etc., for television shows… not people who write as a hobby about things they see on TV (this explains why my picketing in Manhattan, Kansas has been such a lonely affair). As a result, I’ve been slacking on updating this reservoir for carefully crafted written works (translation: blog). Because of this, the public (one person) has been in an uproar (slight sense of disapproval).

Well, the new year has arrived and with it comes a resolution: I will heed the demands (suggestions in passing) of the greater public (again, one person), and compose more exemplifications of self-expression via the written word (pointless, rambling things filled with inside jokes that may not entertain anyone but myself) than I have been.

How serious am I about this resolution? I’ve downgraded my Netflix account to one movie at-a-time in order to allow more opportunities to write (… pausing to allow situation-appropriate gasps and possible fainting spells…). That’s right, I’m sacrificing an opportunity to see feature films (some of which are distinctly putrid... right Pick of Destiny?) that will be around forever in order to hone my ability to concoct prose.

In effort to assist in the strenuous task of thinking of subjects to write about (a process that often consists of turning on the television (I’ve got sensitive thumbs)), I’m now also taking requests for topics. To start things off, I’ve conducted an in-depth study and discovered that my readership insists on a recap of 2007 and a look ahead at 2008 (the aforementioned “one person” suggested the idea, again in passing).

Without further ado, here’s 2007 in review (that’s right, 2008 Derek will not be constricted by a fear of rhyming; he’ll embrace it)…

January 2007-
On my 25-year journey to becoming the person I am on this very day, I entertained many ideas as to what profession I might one day pursue. Would I be a taxi driver? An archaeologist? A professional baseball player? The possibilities were endless. Possibilities never considered by young Derek were anything that involved frozen water (figure skater, ice hockey player, ice fisherman, Vanilla Ice backup dancer) and I showed why on a fateful (clumsy) January day.

Walking into work, a slip on the ice brought about one immediate thought. No, it wasn’t, “Ouch, my wrist.” As I scrambled back to my feet, the most pressing thought in my mind was, “Wow, I hope no one saw that.” Luckily for my short-term pride, no one did, but increasing discomfort in the scaphoid (fancy name for one of the bones in the wrist) near my right hand brought about worries and ultimately a trip to the doctor. With the ensuing x-rays, cast application, and weeks of attempting to live left-handed, the question that always remained was, “Oh, what happened?” Unfortunately, the answer was always “Well, I have the balance of a cross-eyed pirate who’s had too much rum, misplaced his wooden leg, and now must maneuver across a sopping poop deck.”

Stupid ice.

February 2007-
Please be patient while I channel my inner James Lipton (or a written knock-off of Will Ferrell’s impersonation)…

The entire world stopped and applauded as Eddie Murphy’s film Norbit hit theaters and declared box office supremacy. Norbit used a COMPLETELY ORIGINAL story element that involved a comedian dressing up as a very fat woman. The result: comedic gold.

March 2007-
The annual “This Is Why You Don’t Bet On Games/Take That, Derek’s Bracket” game happened in just the second round of the NCAA Tournament when USC topped freshman phenom Kevin Durant and crew. Seeing the final score of that game left me feeling like a depressed Ron Burgandy walking the sunny streets of San Diego with a carton of milk. “Texas was a bad choice.”

April 2007-
Diego Gasques won the 7th edition of Big Brother Brasil (thanks, Wikipedia)… Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything.

May 2007-
I ended my residence at one of the most ramshackled excuses for an apartment that I’ve ever been witness to. In my time there, my ceiling leaked, bugs roamed as if it was their natural habitat, and my sidewalk and driveway were never scooped of their snow and ice once (please note: I’m normally capable of shoveling such snow, but there was the whole broken wrist issue). Despite all these issues and complaints, upon moving out I was penalized an outlandish amount of money for things like having dust on the blinds and not cleaning an oven that happened to be caked in preposterous amounts of char when I moved in.

In case you’re wondering, that landlord did not receive a Christmas card.

June 2007-
The Kansas City Royals put together their first winning month since 2003, while pitcher Brian Bannister won the American League Rookie of the Month award. You didn’t think I could write review piece without mentioning the Royals, did you?

July 2007-
It was hot… Apparently so hot that I couldn’t think.

August 2007-
The Kansas City Chiefs started preseason play and scored a total of 10 points against a Miami Dolphins team that would flirt with a 0-16 regular season record. Who says preseason games don’t tell you anything?

September 2007-
The world of professional football continued to turn against Derek Larson, as the Chiefs opened the season 0-2 (scoring 13 total points in the process) and all [number omitted in effort to maintain dignity] of his fantasy teams suffered from injuries, inept performances, or both.

October 2007-
Following suit, college football began its turn against me, as K-State dropped games to Kansas and Oklahoma State. Because the Orange Bowl is on the television in front of me as I write this, I refuse to discuss any further outcomes of the college football season.

November 2007-
Michael Beasley made his debut in what is destined to be an abbreviated collegiate career. The prospects of a 30-point, 20-rebound effort seemed like a supernatural effort to Wildcat fans the previous March, but Beasley accomplished the effort in his first regular season game… The phrase “special player” comes to mind.

December 2007-
Bringing events of the year full-circle, my nemesis, Ice, returned and this time attacked in full force. Ice blanketed much of the state, and put many folks without electricity for several days. I was only without power for seven hours, but I may have been developing Cabin Fever by the end of it.


Ice may have gotten the best of me in 2007, but 2008 will be different. In fact, I’m going to request that anyone reading this immediately run to the nearest freezer, remove some ice cubes and put them in the microwave for two minutes…. Now who’s laughing, Ice?

Aside from my all-out battle against the forces of all 14-known solid phases of water (again, Wikipedia… anyone can edit it, so you know it’s accurate), what else will 2008 bring?

The TV Writers’ strike will end when a network airs a new reality show called Who Needs Writers? on which random folks try to act in a television show without a script. The resulting clueless stares on the faces of the actors will seem funny at first, but will wear on viewers after the first 40 minutes without dialogue.

I will pick KU to lose within the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament (this receives the ‘DL Guarantee’).

The Kansas City Chiefs will use their top-10 draft pick on a defensive lineman that has size and plenty of “potential” but will never pan out and will be off the team in three years (please be wrong).

The Kansas City Royals will show marked improvement and will compete for third place in a strong American League Central division (the third time predicting this has to be a charm, right?).

My calls for the short lived TV series 3 South to return to television or at least be put on DVD will continue to be ignored.

A young actress/musician will be arrested for something drug/alcohol related and the media will treat it as if it’s an unprecedented situation (quite a stretch, I know).

I will struggle to think of ideas of things to write about and will need inspiration. Send me ideas.

Exciting, unforeseen events will occur, and great things will happen… Who do I look like, Miss Cleo?

And finally, the population of the public (one person) that demands so much of me (makes passing comments) will double by the end of the year… How’s that for positive thinking?