Saturday, May 29, 2010

Please consult the rulebook...

Is there a rule written in a book somewhere that reads: If a thermometer reaches 80-degrees on any given day, all young men that (1) reside in a college town, and (2) have ridden in a boat, seen a picture of a boat, or even have a vague idea of what a boat is, must parade around in shirtless fashion as if adorning themselves with tops of any sort has been outlawed by the ICCR*? My brother and I noticed this disturbing trend the other day, realizing that every other guy filling their cars at the gas station apparently served as ticket brokers for gun shows. I realize you have been lifting weights and baking yourself in artificial fashion all winter, Mr. Look-at-my-pecs, but shirts are still considered standard dress for... well, pretty much everywhere but beaches, pools, and the "skins" side of a basketball game. I enjoy my belly button as much as the next guy likes his, but that doesn't mean I feel the need to show it to the general public on a regular basis.

*International Commission for Clothing Regulations, obviously.

Yes, your shirt may seem constricting. It may not "allow you to breathe" or let you show off that tattoo that you'll regret in 20 years. You must be aware, though, that wearing shirts is one that that separates us from the animal community (aside from those poor dogs that are dressed by their owners. There's a definite reason why dogs bite). If we quit wearing shirts, there's one less thing that makes humans unique. Sure, we'll still have the fact that we celebrate people for no reason other than the fact that they have more money than us, but still.

You also can't forget that if we do away with t-shirts, we won't have any way of alerting others that we're "with stupid. ----->" That, dear readers, would be a tragedy.

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