I made a trip to the grocery store this evening and, frankly, it was a bit depressing. Recently, you see, a new grocery store moved into town and it seems that many folks feel it is the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas, and many other animal possessives that don't really make sense but are intended to make something sound popular. As a result, inside my supermarket of choice I encountered more store employees than I did fellow shoppers. It was almost like they had closed the store for my own personal shopping spree, only I still had to foot the bill at the end. I went shopping to pick up necessities and hopefully find some quirky folks to write about for another edition of People in Your Neighborhood. I left pondering an eternal question* and wondering if my checkout lady thought I was some sort of scout sent by a larger grocery store**.
*If a grocery store is open but no one enters, do the automatic doors still work?
**I did not have a radar gun with me, but this tiny woman was slinging my groceries across the barcode reader like a pitcher looking to hit triple digits. If I was a scout, she would have been in trouble anyway. I've always thought control was more important than speed in the checkout process.
Luckily (or perhaps not) for you the reader, we at The Writings always have a contingency plan. With no viable topics presented by the ghost market, we'll move forward with no topic whatsoever. Focus is overrated anyway.
First things first, this man is an imposter
Hmmm... He wears a Royals cap, a K-State shirt, and they call him "Derek"? This sure sounds like someone I know. Rest assured, dear readers, the guy featured in this video is not the blog author you've grown to adore (the words "tolerate," "have indifferent feelings toward" and "despise" can also be used here as necessary). How can I be so sure?
1. I don't shop at Wal-Mart unless it's absolutely necessary. The mass chaos combined with scenes like these make me feel odd about purchasing fresh produce there.
2. When I go grocery shopping, I purchase more than Cheez-Its, two packages of candy, and deodorant. This impostor seems to be on some sort of Everyday is Halloween diet.
3. I'm fairly confident my ancestry is Swedish, not Asian.
4. This guy did not have a single awkward encounter with another human on his entire shopping trip. Meanwhile, I can't get a haircut without the stylist admitting that she loses track of what she's already trimmed when she's talking and then having to run off to get a bandage because she cut her finger. (Welcome to today's lunchbreak.)
Sir, we've been jammed.
While cooking bacon have you ever thought, "Boy, I wish I could just spread this from a jar instead?" Perhaps you are not satisfied with your current options when making a jam sandwich? Or maybe you just really enjoy punishing yourself (and/or your arteries) via the spreadable items you ingest? Whatever the case, it looks like your covered. Bon appetit.
Competitive Gaming; How do you get started?
I saw this question posed earlier. The answers that come to mind immediately:
-Abandon any hope of dating.*
-Move in with your parents.
-Become comfortable with only encountering pixel-generated sunlight.
-Thumbxercises.
*Cough*potmeetkettle,blogwriter*cough.
Fly Me To the Moon...
It just struck me that The Writings has not given an official stance on the Balloon Boy story yet. Such an omission must be rectified. Whether the panic over the possibility of the young kid named after a species of bird (thank goodness Dodos are extinct) was real or fabricated, I think the whole situation proves to be an argument in favor of childhood obesity. Think about it; if the little man in question was more Augustus Gloop than Charlie Bucket there would not have been any worry about the idea of that balloon floating off with him inside. People would have realized there was no chance the thing was leaving the ground. Parents (and future parents) remember this when you're wondering if your little kid really needs a couple more donuts: The larger he is, the less likely he will be to float off in some ridiculous weather balloon/UFO-hybrid that you have for some reason decided to tether to your home.*
*Is the author making this argument simply because he was hefty to the point of appearing Hutt-ish as a toddler? No comment.
*If a grocery store is open but no one enters, do the automatic doors still work?
**I did not have a radar gun with me, but this tiny woman was slinging my groceries across the barcode reader like a pitcher looking to hit triple digits. If I was a scout, she would have been in trouble anyway. I've always thought control was more important than speed in the checkout process.
Luckily (or perhaps not) for you the reader, we at The Writings always have a contingency plan. With no viable topics presented by the ghost market, we'll move forward with no topic whatsoever. Focus is overrated anyway.
First things first, this man is an imposter
Hmmm... He wears a Royals cap, a K-State shirt, and they call him "Derek"? This sure sounds like someone I know. Rest assured, dear readers, the guy featured in this video is not the blog author you've grown to adore (the words "tolerate," "have indifferent feelings toward" and "despise" can also be used here as necessary). How can I be so sure?
1. I don't shop at Wal-Mart unless it's absolutely necessary. The mass chaos combined with scenes like these make me feel odd about purchasing fresh produce there.
2. When I go grocery shopping, I purchase more than Cheez-Its, two packages of candy, and deodorant. This impostor seems to be on some sort of Everyday is Halloween diet.
3. I'm fairly confident my ancestry is Swedish, not Asian.
4. This guy did not have a single awkward encounter with another human on his entire shopping trip. Meanwhile, I can't get a haircut without the stylist admitting that she loses track of what she's already trimmed when she's talking and then having to run off to get a bandage because she cut her finger. (Welcome to today's lunchbreak.)
Sir, we've been jammed.
While cooking bacon have you ever thought, "Boy, I wish I could just spread this from a jar instead?" Perhaps you are not satisfied with your current options when making a jam sandwich? Or maybe you just really enjoy punishing yourself (and/or your arteries) via the spreadable items you ingest? Whatever the case, it looks like your covered. Bon appetit.
Competitive Gaming; How do you get started?
I saw this question posed earlier. The answers that come to mind immediately:
-Abandon any hope of dating.*
-Move in with your parents.
-Become comfortable with only encountering pixel-generated sunlight.
-Thumbxercises.
*Cough*potmeetkettle,blogwriter*cough.
Fly Me To the Moon...
It just struck me that The Writings has not given an official stance on the Balloon Boy story yet. Such an omission must be rectified. Whether the panic over the possibility of the young kid named after a species of bird (thank goodness Dodos are extinct) was real or fabricated, I think the whole situation proves to be an argument in favor of childhood obesity. Think about it; if the little man in question was more Augustus Gloop than Charlie Bucket there would not have been any worry about the idea of that balloon floating off with him inside. People would have realized there was no chance the thing was leaving the ground. Parents (and future parents) remember this when you're wondering if your little kid really needs a couple more donuts: The larger he is, the less likely he will be to float off in some ridiculous weather balloon/UFO-hybrid that you have for some reason decided to tether to your home.*
*Is the author making this argument simply because he was hefty to the point of appearing Hutt-ish as a toddler? No comment.
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