Since its incarnation, the wildly popular* "Nothing but Football" series has been limited to covering college football on Saturdays. Those who tend to be curious might wonder why NBF has yet to venture into the realm of professional football. The answer to that query has little to do with the fact that I do not enjoy the pro game; but, a lot to do with the fact that I'm lazy. Nonetheless, tonight we at The Writings are making the transition to the NFL. It's Monday night, the Dolphins are facing off against the Jets, and my fantasy football teams needs 13 points to secure a victory. If that's not a storyline that will draw folks in, I have no idea what is.
*Read: The author enjoys it.
7:54 p.m. - Dolphins' running back Ronnie Brown scores from three yards out to cap an 80-yard opening drive. Brown is the one player in this game that the fortunes of my fantasy football squad - "Get Off of Mike Cloud"* - lean on. Thanks to my decision to play a suspended wide receiver over a Cowboy that had more receiving yards than anyone in team history, my squad enters the final game of the week trailing by 12 fantasy points. Oddly, I feel pretty good about my chances.
*If you have a working knowledge of Rolling Stones' songs and former Chiefs running backs, hopefully this comes off as slightly humorous... If not, it fits pretty well with everything else in this blog.
8:00 p.m. - I realize that the simple fact that I feel good about something probably spells doom more assuredly than most spelling bee participants. I am the guy that predicted both Kansas State and the Kansas City Chiefs to win their games this past weekend. Instead, they lost by allowing a combined 3,851 passing yards.*
*Figure may not be accurate, but it's my best estimate.
8:01 p.m. - The Jets fake a punt and the punter actually runs like an athlete. No offense to the punters of the world, (and I have little room to talk, since I run with the speed of an overburdened burro), but the fact is that most punters look like they're running in concrete shoes when the have the oppotunity to sprint on the field.
8:07 p.m. - Jets' receiver Braylon Edwards catches a touchdwon pass from rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez to tie the game. Edwards started the week as a member of the Cleveland Browns, but was traded last Wednesday. Edwards had gone 12 games since his last touchdown reception with the Browns. He also allegedly got into a fight with a friend of Cleveland's favorite son, LeBron James. It seems there's a lesson to be learned from all of this: If you want to be traded from one of the worst teams in the NFL to a playoff contender, perform poorly for an extended period of time and then deck a celebrity's pal. It's just that easy.
8:28 p.m. - Commentator and former coach Jon Gruden is speaking in glowing fashion concerning New York assistant head coach Bill Callahan. I know some Nebraska fans that might disagree with his assessment.
8:42 p.m. - Rendering the very title of this Writing moot, my digital cable has discovered TBS, where the Philadelphia Phillies lead the Colorado Rockies 5-4 in the bottom of the ninth inning. A win for the Phillies would push them to the National League Championship Series, where they'd face the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Rockies are the team I decided to back when the Royals were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. (Although I still think they might be able to find a loophole to get into the World Series... Never give up!) Unfortunately, my backing seems to have eerie powers, as all teams that I root for are prone to disappointmet. Thus, I apologize, Rockies. You did not deserve the curse of my support.
8:51 p.m. - A strikeout ends things for the Rockies, and the Phillies are celebrating their series victory. If only I could bring myself to root for the Yankees, I'm pretty sure they would fold like an expert oragamist.
8:53 p.m. - A 15-yard pass to Ronnie Brown is nixed thanks to a Miami holding penalty. I haven't felt this invested in anything involving the Dolphins since I was rooting for Ace Ventura (pet detective) to figure out who kidnapped Snowflake, the field goal kicking dolphin.
9:01 p.m. - After totaling 8 fantasy points on Miami's first drive, Brown has tallied just one since. It seems that now is a good point to show concern that I might lose this matchup in tight fashion. Apparently I need to quit rooting for myself.
9:11 p.m. - After deep thought, I'm now wondering how deeply The Curse of Derek's Support actually affects my life. I mean, my favorite NFL team has won just two of the last 30 it has competed in; the college squad I root for lost by 52 points on Saturday; the one Major League Baseball team I support no matter how many mistakes they make has not been to the postseason since I was three years old. Can this all be coincidental? Or do I not only need to abandon any athletic allegiances I have, but also start rooting against myself in life to have a better chance at success? (C'mon, Derek! Make a complete ass of yourself in public!)
9:25 p.m. - The Dolphins just went three-and-out on a series in which Ronnie Brown did not see the field. If there is a concern-colored crayon in your box of 64, you might want to grab it right now.
9:35 p.m. - Mr. Brown returns and carries for seven yards. Go Ronnie! ... Wait, I mean, don't go, Ronnie! Fail! Fail!
9:36 p.m. - This whole jinx idea has me rather conflicted.
9:38 p.m. - A six-yard carry by Brown puts him at 12 points on the night and ties me with my opponent. At this point, I need to root against fumbles and carries for negative yards... I mean, I need to root for those events. I'm going to figure this whole thing out at some point.
9:44 p.m. - Miami running back Ricky Williams runs for a first down, hurdling over a defender on his way. This seems like a good time to mention that the Kansas State defense limited Williams to 43 yards on 25 carries during his Heisman Trophy-winning 1998 season. Ahh, memories.
9:50 p.m. - The Dolphins grab a 17-14 lead when quarterback Chad Henne connects with tight end Anthony Fasano for a short touchdown pass. Said play has no implications on my fantasy football match up, but apparently the outcome of this game actually matters, too. Who knew?
9:57 p.m. - Braylon Edwards just made one of the most athletic touchdown receptions that anyone familiar with football could imagine. To attempt to describe it would be an exercise in futility.
10:01 p.m. - Note to self: Edit the last entry, as a coach's challenge resulted in Edwards being marked down at the one-yard line, as opposed to finding the end zone.
10:02 p.m. - Guess what, Miami? Your challenge doesn't matter. The Jets score the very next play.
10:09 p.m. - Not two minutes after Gruden mentions that the Dolphins need to get receive Ted Ginn involved in the game, Henne connects with him for a 53-yard score. I'm not frantically searching to see if I can find Gruden's cell phone number in order to request that he mention that Ronnie Brown needs to score another touchdown.
10:11 p.m. - In what has to be a shock to many, it turns out that I do not have the cell phone number of a former NFL head coach that once led his team to a Super Bowl victory.
10:17 p.m. - The Dolphins break up a pass on third down and the ESPN production crew cuts to a shot of what seems to be some fan that is on the field pretending to be a cheerleader. He just threw down a pair of foam fingers in excitement.
10:21 p.m. - A two-yard carry by Brown gives him 60 rushing yards on the night. It also gives Get Off of Mike Cloud a 102-101 lead. Now I might be forced to root for Brown to be benched the rest of the game, just to avoid any possibilty of achieving negative points.
10:22 p.m. - Call the game due to lightning! Call the game due to lightning!
10:23 p.m. - I realize there has been no threat of stormy weather in the Miami area tonight... I'm just shooting for hope.
10:27 p.m. - The Jets just picked up 49 yards on a pass interference penalty that should have never been called. 49 yards! The referee that called that one may need to send an apology card later on this week.
10:29 p.m. - The Jets score one play later and now lead 27-24. Fantasy implications or none, this is one heck of a game.
10:39 p.m. - There are less than two minutes left in the game. Miami trails by three; yet, they're alternating quarterbacks. Calling this strategy "unconventional" is like calling the throwback uniforms the Broncos wore this weekend "aesthetically displeasing."
10:43 p.m. - Touchdown, Ronnie Brown! Brown carries up the middle for a score with just six seconds left. He just cemented a victory for Get Off of Mike Cloud... Oh yeah, and I guess he helped his real team out a little, too.
10:45 p.m. - It seems that I can put off rooting against myself for now. Ronnie Brown has proven that the Derek Curse can be overcome. Thank goodness. I would have felt pretty awkward quietly repeating to myself "Say some thing offensive! Say something offensive!" when encountering potential dates.
*Read: The author enjoys it.
7:54 p.m. - Dolphins' running back Ronnie Brown scores from three yards out to cap an 80-yard opening drive. Brown is the one player in this game that the fortunes of my fantasy football squad - "Get Off of Mike Cloud"* - lean on. Thanks to my decision to play a suspended wide receiver over a Cowboy that had more receiving yards than anyone in team history, my squad enters the final game of the week trailing by 12 fantasy points. Oddly, I feel pretty good about my chances.
*If you have a working knowledge of Rolling Stones' songs and former Chiefs running backs, hopefully this comes off as slightly humorous... If not, it fits pretty well with everything else in this blog.
8:00 p.m. - I realize that the simple fact that I feel good about something probably spells doom more assuredly than most spelling bee participants. I am the guy that predicted both Kansas State and the Kansas City Chiefs to win their games this past weekend. Instead, they lost by allowing a combined 3,851 passing yards.*
*Figure may not be accurate, but it's my best estimate.
8:01 p.m. - The Jets fake a punt and the punter actually runs like an athlete. No offense to the punters of the world, (and I have little room to talk, since I run with the speed of an overburdened burro), but the fact is that most punters look like they're running in concrete shoes when the have the oppotunity to sprint on the field.
8:07 p.m. - Jets' receiver Braylon Edwards catches a touchdwon pass from rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez to tie the game. Edwards started the week as a member of the Cleveland Browns, but was traded last Wednesday. Edwards had gone 12 games since his last touchdown reception with the Browns. He also allegedly got into a fight with a friend of Cleveland's favorite son, LeBron James. It seems there's a lesson to be learned from all of this: If you want to be traded from one of the worst teams in the NFL to a playoff contender, perform poorly for an extended period of time and then deck a celebrity's pal. It's just that easy.
8:28 p.m. - Commentator and former coach Jon Gruden is speaking in glowing fashion concerning New York assistant head coach Bill Callahan. I know some Nebraska fans that might disagree with his assessment.
8:42 p.m. - Rendering the very title of this Writing moot, my digital cable has discovered TBS, where the Philadelphia Phillies lead the Colorado Rockies 5-4 in the bottom of the ninth inning. A win for the Phillies would push them to the National League Championship Series, where they'd face the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Rockies are the team I decided to back when the Royals were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. (Although I still think they might be able to find a loophole to get into the World Series... Never give up!) Unfortunately, my backing seems to have eerie powers, as all teams that I root for are prone to disappointmet. Thus, I apologize, Rockies. You did not deserve the curse of my support.
8:51 p.m. - A strikeout ends things for the Rockies, and the Phillies are celebrating their series victory. If only I could bring myself to root for the Yankees, I'm pretty sure they would fold like an expert oragamist.
8:53 p.m. - A 15-yard pass to Ronnie Brown is nixed thanks to a Miami holding penalty. I haven't felt this invested in anything involving the Dolphins since I was rooting for Ace Ventura (pet detective) to figure out who kidnapped Snowflake, the field goal kicking dolphin.
9:01 p.m. - After totaling 8 fantasy points on Miami's first drive, Brown has tallied just one since. It seems that now is a good point to show concern that I might lose this matchup in tight fashion. Apparently I need to quit rooting for myself.
9:11 p.m. - After deep thought, I'm now wondering how deeply The Curse of Derek's Support actually affects my life. I mean, my favorite NFL team has won just two of the last 30 it has competed in; the college squad I root for lost by 52 points on Saturday; the one Major League Baseball team I support no matter how many mistakes they make has not been to the postseason since I was three years old. Can this all be coincidental? Or do I not only need to abandon any athletic allegiances I have, but also start rooting against myself in life to have a better chance at success? (C'mon, Derek! Make a complete ass of yourself in public!)
9:25 p.m. - The Dolphins just went three-and-out on a series in which Ronnie Brown did not see the field. If there is a concern-colored crayon in your box of 64, you might want to grab it right now.
9:35 p.m. - Mr. Brown returns and carries for seven yards. Go Ronnie! ... Wait, I mean, don't go, Ronnie! Fail! Fail!
9:36 p.m. - This whole jinx idea has me rather conflicted.
9:38 p.m. - A six-yard carry by Brown puts him at 12 points on the night and ties me with my opponent. At this point, I need to root against fumbles and carries for negative yards... I mean, I need to root for those events. I'm going to figure this whole thing out at some point.
9:44 p.m. - Miami running back Ricky Williams runs for a first down, hurdling over a defender on his way. This seems like a good time to mention that the Kansas State defense limited Williams to 43 yards on 25 carries during his Heisman Trophy-winning 1998 season. Ahh, memories.
9:50 p.m. - The Dolphins grab a 17-14 lead when quarterback Chad Henne connects with tight end Anthony Fasano for a short touchdown pass. Said play has no implications on my fantasy football match up, but apparently the outcome of this game actually matters, too. Who knew?
9:57 p.m. - Braylon Edwards just made one of the most athletic touchdown receptions that anyone familiar with football could imagine. To attempt to describe it would be an exercise in futility.
10:01 p.m. - Note to self: Edit the last entry, as a coach's challenge resulted in Edwards being marked down at the one-yard line, as opposed to finding the end zone.
10:02 p.m. - Guess what, Miami? Your challenge doesn't matter. The Jets score the very next play.
10:09 p.m. - Not two minutes after Gruden mentions that the Dolphins need to get receive Ted Ginn involved in the game, Henne connects with him for a 53-yard score. I'm not frantically searching to see if I can find Gruden's cell phone number in order to request that he mention that Ronnie Brown needs to score another touchdown.
10:11 p.m. - In what has to be a shock to many, it turns out that I do not have the cell phone number of a former NFL head coach that once led his team to a Super Bowl victory.
10:17 p.m. - The Dolphins break up a pass on third down and the ESPN production crew cuts to a shot of what seems to be some fan that is on the field pretending to be a cheerleader. He just threw down a pair of foam fingers in excitement.
10:21 p.m. - A two-yard carry by Brown gives him 60 rushing yards on the night. It also gives Get Off of Mike Cloud a 102-101 lead. Now I might be forced to root for Brown to be benched the rest of the game, just to avoid any possibilty of achieving negative points.
10:22 p.m. - Call the game due to lightning! Call the game due to lightning!
10:23 p.m. - I realize there has been no threat of stormy weather in the Miami area tonight... I'm just shooting for hope.
10:27 p.m. - The Jets just picked up 49 yards on a pass interference penalty that should have never been called. 49 yards! The referee that called that one may need to send an apology card later on this week.
10:29 p.m. - The Jets score one play later and now lead 27-24. Fantasy implications or none, this is one heck of a game.
10:39 p.m. - There are less than two minutes left in the game. Miami trails by three; yet, they're alternating quarterbacks. Calling this strategy "unconventional" is like calling the throwback uniforms the Broncos wore this weekend "aesthetically displeasing."
10:43 p.m. - Touchdown, Ronnie Brown! Brown carries up the middle for a score with just six seconds left. He just cemented a victory for Get Off of Mike Cloud... Oh yeah, and I guess he helped his real team out a little, too.
10:45 p.m. - It seems that I can put off rooting against myself for now. Ronnie Brown has proven that the Derek Curse can be overcome. Thank goodness. I would have felt pretty awkward quietly repeating to myself "Say some thing offensive! Say something offensive!" when encountering potential dates.
1 comment:
Derek,
Bill Callahan is an idiot and has no business being anything other than an offensive line coach and should stay as far away from college football as is humanly possible.
Sincerely,
The State of Nebraska
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