Sunday, February 22, 2009

Public Service Announcement

We break from the regularly scheduled Royals roster rundown* to bring you the following message: neon ground effects are not cool.

*The Writings: Where alliteration matters.

Granted, some might think that neon ground effects are not a topic worth delving into.* Those people are probably also unaware that I once wrote about a conversation I overheard at Burger King. It seems pretty much anything, not matter how common (or pointless), is fair game around here.

*One also might think that I'm not necessarily the person that should be making final judgments on whether or not something is "cool." The fact that I own a Three Dog Night CD, one book with the entire Lord of the Rings series found on the pages inside, and a white t-shirt that has "Go Ceiling" written on it in Sharpie probably serves as good support for your argument.

For those of you that may be unsure of what exactly neon ground effects are, (my imaginary readership is diverse, after all) I'll attempt to explain. Have you ever been driving down a city street in the twilight hours (that means evening or night time here... It does not concern goofy vampire love stories), only to notice that a car driving in the lane next to you seems to have an interesting glow about it? A glow that might make it seem as if the vehicle took a wrong turn and drove through a mutant-firefly breeding ground, resulting in a vibrant color seemingly straight out of a Skittles commercial illuminating the car's underside? If so, you have experienced the topic of the evening first hand.

As you may have guessed by now (and if you haven't, be aware, these Writings are interactive. Yelling out any guesses, questions, comments or concerns you might have as you read is highly encouraged.), I found myself driving next to a car "pimped* up" in such a manner this evening. The road beneath the vehicle was glowing a green that would have made Kermit the Frog seem pale in comparison.

*For those keeping score at home, society has seeming decided that - when used as an adjective to describe something cool (e.g., That car is pimp.) or a verb to describe the process of increasing the snazziness** of something (e.g., My ride is lame, but I would like to pimp it up.) - "pimp" is a good thing. When used as a noun (i.e., My uncle Leon is a pimp.), it's still an illegal occupation. Please refer to this lesson as necessary in order to avoid making any inopportune remarks. (e.g., Hi, boss. Your date is lovely. I never knew you were a pimp.)

**How did "pimp" replace the word "snazzy?" See if that thought keeps you awake tonight...


As I drove past this car, my mind raced as I attempted to conjure up reasons why someone would ever spent hard-earned (or even luckily won) money on such an unnecessary feature. Sure, people buy Christmas lights every year, but those are seasonal and stationary. Are those with neon ground effects just attempting to mobilize holiday cheer and spread it year-round? Are they just folks who tend to be a bit clumsy, continually dropping important things underneath their vehicles at night? It seems the lights would be quite helpful in such situations.

My mind was still scrambling to come up with a legitimate reason for decorating a car's underside as if it were a Budweiser sign when I pulled up to a stoplight next to the offending Camaro. I glanced over again. The street under the vehicle was illuminated so brightly that it looked like a putting green. The car made it seem as if everything it drove over was a miniature golf course. Following suit, the traffic light turned green, and the Camaro drove away. I half expected the clown from Happy Gilmore to appear out of nowhere, bringing the car to a halt. Alas, that didn't happen and I still don't know why anyone would purchase neon ground effects... If it's because they're really big fans of Fast and Furious, may God have mercy on us all.

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