The title of this post is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite television shows. It's also a phrase I may be heard uttering if the economy continues attempting to complete a Triple Lindy. When news came out today that my employer is low on funds and may not be able to pay employees on payday, I wasn't exactly thrilled. The exact words that came out of my mouth may have been some combination of "the," "what," and "(insert profanity not condoned by The Writings here)," but the boggled state of my mind won't allow me to remember the exact phrasing in accurate fashion.
The economy is treating just about everyone like garbage these days. As a result, people everywhere are looking for new ways to make money. If my income will be delayed, it's probably not a bad idea for me to be considering some extra-income options, as well. In film, I have often seen fundraisers where people sell kisses out of wooden booths. Alas, those marketing the smooches are often individuals deemed "attractive" by society's standards. Thus, this option was marked off my list in rather quick fashion.
I have also heard tell of people that earn money by doing things they're actually good at. Their "talents," if you will. (I know it's strange terminology, but stick with me.) Alas, 26+ years has presented me with little in that department, as well. Instead, I have really just developed a long list of work opportunities that I cannot pursue.
Doctor? Nope. I tend to get squeamish around blood.
Lawyer? I'm a bit of a pushover when it comes to arguing. My guess is that a defendant would not appreciate my would-be-patented "You're right, he probably did rob that bank" defense.
Chef? I have set off my smoke alarm when making hamburger helper.
Interpreter? I took two years of Spanish in high school and I'm about as likely to have a meaningful conversation in the language as a lobotomized chimp.
Salesman? I don't even like hearing myself speak... Why should others?
Radio personality? See previous response.
Ice skater? Please, don't get me started...
Reality dating show contestant? I like to maintain what little dignity I do have.
Improv comic? I... can't think of anything to go here.
Spy? Those who stub their toes on a weekly basis probably aren't meant for covert ops.
Okay, that's enough of what I can't do. It's time to figure out what I can do. What are the best opportunities for someone of my precise age, appearance, and intellectual capacity to earn some extra bank? Here's what I've come up with:
- Selling high-fives
It's kind of the cousin of selling kisses, but not as intimate or intrusive. Who doesn't enjoy a good high-five? I think this option will really come play if(/when?) I ever am forced to become a hobo. Some people play a musical instrument for spare change. I will offer up the satisfaction of crisp, skin-stinging high five. For a bit extra, I may even be willing to give low-fives, fist pounds, or complicated handshakes.
- Serving as a hobo-for-hire
Astute readers will realize that this job again refers to the hobo chapter of my life. (Coming soon?) It seems that people are always hiring clowns or magicians to perform at birthday parties... Guess what? A hobo will be a heck of a lot cheaper. Can the hobo make balloon animals or pull rabbits from hats? If you provide the props, he'll figure it out... Although he gets to keep the rabbit. After all, he's a hobo and meals are hard to come by.*
*If the idea of eating a rabbit upset anyone, we at The Writings apologize. But really, is being eaten that much worse than being stuffed in some sweaty top hat, only to later be pulled out by some guy dressed like Mr. Monopoly?
- Being a Television channel cartographer
For those with televisions (they're the wave of the future), nothing can be as frustrating as not being able to locate a channel you're looking for. No need to fret. Just hire the TV channel cartographer and let him map things out. By sitting on your couch, using your remote, and studying the programs put forth by your television**, the TV channel cartographer will create an illustrated guide laying out how to get to your favorite channels. ***
**Mapping process may take days, or even weeks.
***Illustrated guide may be a Big Chief pad with channel names and numbers written in crayon on the inside.
- Working as a stand-in for "after" pictures in diet ads
As soon as there's a diet plan that advertises losing muscle mass along with fat, I should be set.
- Serving as a confidence booster
Feel like you can't do anything right? Think your life is just one dumb move after another? Hang around me and - by observing a variety of stupid situations I end up in, along with witnessing a level of self-deprecation normally only observed in social disorder experiments - your life won't seem as downtrodden in comparison. A new level of confidence will naturally follow.
... Actually, this kind of sounds like what I'm doing for free right now (whether you realize it or not). If you're reading this, your invoice is in the mail.
The economy is treating just about everyone like garbage these days. As a result, people everywhere are looking for new ways to make money. If my income will be delayed, it's probably not a bad idea for me to be considering some extra-income options, as well. In film, I have often seen fundraisers where people sell kisses out of wooden booths. Alas, those marketing the smooches are often individuals deemed "attractive" by society's standards. Thus, this option was marked off my list in rather quick fashion.
I have also heard tell of people that earn money by doing things they're actually good at. Their "talents," if you will. (I know it's strange terminology, but stick with me.) Alas, 26+ years has presented me with little in that department, as well. Instead, I have really just developed a long list of work opportunities that I cannot pursue.
Doctor? Nope. I tend to get squeamish around blood.
Lawyer? I'm a bit of a pushover when it comes to arguing. My guess is that a defendant would not appreciate my would-be-patented "You're right, he probably did rob that bank" defense.
Chef? I have set off my smoke alarm when making hamburger helper.
Interpreter? I took two years of Spanish in high school and I'm about as likely to have a meaningful conversation in the language as a lobotomized chimp.
Salesman? I don't even like hearing myself speak... Why should others?
Radio personality? See previous response.
Ice skater? Please, don't get me started...
Reality dating show contestant? I like to maintain what little dignity I do have.
Improv comic? I... can't think of anything to go here.
Spy? Those who stub their toes on a weekly basis probably aren't meant for covert ops.
Okay, that's enough of what I can't do. It's time to figure out what I can do. What are the best opportunities for someone of my precise age, appearance, and intellectual capacity to earn some extra bank? Here's what I've come up with:
- Selling high-fives
It's kind of the cousin of selling kisses, but not as intimate or intrusive. Who doesn't enjoy a good high-five? I think this option will really come play if(/when?) I ever am forced to become a hobo. Some people play a musical instrument for spare change. I will offer up the satisfaction of crisp, skin-stinging high five. For a bit extra, I may even be willing to give low-fives, fist pounds, or complicated handshakes.
- Serving as a hobo-for-hire
Astute readers will realize that this job again refers to the hobo chapter of my life. (Coming soon?) It seems that people are always hiring clowns or magicians to perform at birthday parties... Guess what? A hobo will be a heck of a lot cheaper. Can the hobo make balloon animals or pull rabbits from hats? If you provide the props, he'll figure it out... Although he gets to keep the rabbit. After all, he's a hobo and meals are hard to come by.*
*If the idea of eating a rabbit upset anyone, we at The Writings apologize. But really, is being eaten that much worse than being stuffed in some sweaty top hat, only to later be pulled out by some guy dressed like Mr. Monopoly?
- Being a Television channel cartographer
For those with televisions (they're the wave of the future), nothing can be as frustrating as not being able to locate a channel you're looking for. No need to fret. Just hire the TV channel cartographer and let him map things out. By sitting on your couch, using your remote, and studying the programs put forth by your television**, the TV channel cartographer will create an illustrated guide laying out how to get to your favorite channels. ***
**Mapping process may take days, or even weeks.
***Illustrated guide may be a Big Chief pad with channel names and numbers written in crayon on the inside.
- Working as a stand-in for "after" pictures in diet ads
As soon as there's a diet plan that advertises losing muscle mass along with fat, I should be set.
- Serving as a confidence booster
Feel like you can't do anything right? Think your life is just one dumb move after another? Hang around me and - by observing a variety of stupid situations I end up in, along with witnessing a level of self-deprecation normally only observed in social disorder experiments - your life won't seem as downtrodden in comparison. A new level of confidence will naturally follow.
... Actually, this kind of sounds like what I'm doing for free right now (whether you realize it or not). If you're reading this, your invoice is in the mail.
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