Those who keep themselves occupied with multiple tasks at once are referred to as multitaskers. (Note: If you're already lost, this may not be the Writing for you) However, I have noticed that multitaskers are often seen as being productive sorts. I, on the other hand, often keep myself busy with multiple tasks that bear no semblance of anything that could be deemed productive. For instance, this very evening I am watching the BCS matchup between Oklahoma and Florida (it's the battle of the panhandles!), composing this very writing, and flipping through some old sports trading cards.
That's right, while some may have thought I would have run out of embarrassing hobbies to blog on by now, the hits (to other's opinions of me) just keep coming. As a kid, it seemed that any personal income brought in by various odd jobs all went toward the same thing: buying that next pack of cards. As I look back on it now, the obsession sounds nearly like a drug addiction. Cards were my fix. There was a brief period where I was even paid for some work I did in sports cards.
For a young sports-obsessed nerd (we all must come to grips with the truth at some point), they were perfect. I could collect my favorite players, have access to all sorts of stats that were otherwise extremely hard to find in the pre-Internet days, and - in special cases - get some interesting insight. Certain cards would have brief paragraphs detailing the player featured. While most would just delve into a further examination of statistics or mention the players skills, occasionally you would find one that was not quite like the others. It was like the copy writer for the card was attempting to spice things up just a bit. Naturally, the only way to really show the glory of these literary nuggets is to detail them case-by-case. Thus, with a box of cards by my side and the BCS Championship (a panhandler's delight!) on the tube, it's time to flip through some literary gold.
Darrin Jackson - Pinnacle 1995
"His thyroid condition all cleared up in 1994...," so begins the paragraph on Mr. Jackson's card. It's at this point that I wonder if this card is a promotional item from a hospital. Luckily, it does not delve into blood pressure or cholesterol. In fact, in a pleasant turn, it speaks of how Jackson was underrated. It ends with, "... he finally got his due in '94." I'm not sure how the folks at Pinnacle were granted the power to determine what someone's "due" was... but I'm glad Jackson's wasn't the thyroid condition.
Bo Jackson - Score 1991
You remember the "Bo Knows" commercials? Bo knows football. Bo knows baseball. Bo knows dominating in Tecmo Super Bowl. Well, according to Score, Bo also knew intergalactic dominance. After all, this card claims Bo was "the greatest athelete in the universe." One might think calling him the "best athlete on Earth" would have been a strong enough claim... but not the folks at Score. They were making sure any those folks who claim to have been abducted by aliens knew exactly where Bo ranked.
"Sure, they may have beamed you aboard and done some probing, but let's see them beat Bo in a foot-race!"
Gregg Jefferies - Score 1991
According to a GM on an NL rival, you could "... almost smell the love of the game reeking all over..." Jeffries. I think folks with BO have a new excuse.
"Uh, Jim, did you shower today."
"Don't worry. That's just my love of the game."
"What game? We work at Kinkos."
"It's cool, man. I just love what I do."
"So your love smells like gym socks that have been left in the backseat of a car in the middle of the summer?"
Tunch Ilkin - Pro Set 1991
According to this card, Ilkin's mom was Miss Turkey in 1950... I know offensive linemen don't receive much press, but for Pete's sake. They resorted to mentioning his mother on his football card.
Tracy Jones - Score 1992
"... Tracy also gets hurt a lot..."
Score - when the truth hurts, we're there.
Paul Farren - Pro Set 1991
"... Longshot to make pros..."
C'mon, I know the Browns only went 3-13 in 1990, but they were still considered "professionals." That's low, Pro Set.
Mike Davis - Donruss 1990
List in his "Career Highlights" section: "Is cousin of former AFL defensive back Dave Grayson." Funny, I just completed a self-evaluation at work. Are you telling me I could have just listed my relatives and been good to go? I tried to think of actual accomplishments and all I needed to do was say that my third cousin was an extra in Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties?*
*No, not true.
Ricky Bones - Studio 1992
Although I was oblivious to it as a 10-year-old, it seems obvious now that Studio was not only a baseball card company, but a dating service. It makes sense. After all, who has time to "play the field" when you're playing on the baseball field 162 games each season. The back of Ricky's card mentions that he's single, and that his hobbies are "weight lifting, horseback riding, and jet skiing." Here's to hoping he found happiness.
Glenn Braggs - Score 1992
While Studio was looking to hook folks up, it seems that someone at Score may have been nearing a restraining order. Glenn's summary includes the fact that he has an "awesome build" and that he "would rate well against any of the other strong men in the game." ... Uhh, Score, we're still talking about baseball, right?
Larry Johnson - Skybox 1995-1996
We close with a bit of unintentional (hopefully) demotivation. The card says "Standing 6-2 in the seventh grade, LJ was later named by his high school classmates 'Most Likely to Succeed.'" In other words, "Hey short kids, give up now."
The Writings, interpreting hidden basketball card messages since 2009.
That's right, while some may have thought I would have run out of embarrassing hobbies to blog on by now, the hits (to other's opinions of me) just keep coming. As a kid, it seemed that any personal income brought in by various odd jobs all went toward the same thing: buying that next pack of cards. As I look back on it now, the obsession sounds nearly like a drug addiction. Cards were my fix. There was a brief period where I was even paid for some work I did in sports cards.
For a young sports-obsessed nerd (we all must come to grips with the truth at some point), they were perfect. I could collect my favorite players, have access to all sorts of stats that were otherwise extremely hard to find in the pre-Internet days, and - in special cases - get some interesting insight. Certain cards would have brief paragraphs detailing the player featured. While most would just delve into a further examination of statistics or mention the players skills, occasionally you would find one that was not quite like the others. It was like the copy writer for the card was attempting to spice things up just a bit. Naturally, the only way to really show the glory of these literary nuggets is to detail them case-by-case. Thus, with a box of cards by my side and the BCS Championship (a panhandler's delight!) on the tube, it's time to flip through some literary gold.
Darrin Jackson - Pinnacle 1995
"His thyroid condition all cleared up in 1994...," so begins the paragraph on Mr. Jackson's card. It's at this point that I wonder if this card is a promotional item from a hospital. Luckily, it does not delve into blood pressure or cholesterol. In fact, in a pleasant turn, it speaks of how Jackson was underrated. It ends with, "... he finally got his due in '94." I'm not sure how the folks at Pinnacle were granted the power to determine what someone's "due" was... but I'm glad Jackson's wasn't the thyroid condition.
Bo Jackson - Score 1991
You remember the "Bo Knows" commercials? Bo knows football. Bo knows baseball. Bo knows dominating in Tecmo Super Bowl. Well, according to Score, Bo also knew intergalactic dominance. After all, this card claims Bo was "the greatest athelete in the universe." One might think calling him the "best athlete on Earth" would have been a strong enough claim... but not the folks at Score. They were making sure any those folks who claim to have been abducted by aliens knew exactly where Bo ranked.
"Sure, they may have beamed you aboard and done some probing, but let's see them beat Bo in a foot-race!"
Gregg Jefferies - Score 1991
According to a GM on an NL rival, you could "... almost smell the love of the game reeking all over..." Jeffries. I think folks with BO have a new excuse.
"Uh, Jim, did you shower today."
"Don't worry. That's just my love of the game."
"What game? We work at Kinkos."
"It's cool, man. I just love what I do."
"So your love smells like gym socks that have been left in the backseat of a car in the middle of the summer?"
Tunch Ilkin - Pro Set 1991
According to this card, Ilkin's mom was Miss Turkey in 1950... I know offensive linemen don't receive much press, but for Pete's sake. They resorted to mentioning his mother on his football card.
Tracy Jones - Score 1992
"... Tracy also gets hurt a lot..."
Score - when the truth hurts, we're there.
Paul Farren - Pro Set 1991
"... Longshot to make pros..."
C'mon, I know the Browns only went 3-13 in 1990, but they were still considered "professionals." That's low, Pro Set.
Mike Davis - Donruss 1990
List in his "Career Highlights" section: "Is cousin of former AFL defensive back Dave Grayson." Funny, I just completed a self-evaluation at work. Are you telling me I could have just listed my relatives and been good to go? I tried to think of actual accomplishments and all I needed to do was say that my third cousin was an extra in Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties?*
*No, not true.
Ricky Bones - Studio 1992
Although I was oblivious to it as a 10-year-old, it seems obvious now that Studio was not only a baseball card company, but a dating service. It makes sense. After all, who has time to "play the field" when you're playing on the baseball field 162 games each season. The back of Ricky's card mentions that he's single, and that his hobbies are "weight lifting, horseback riding, and jet skiing." Here's to hoping he found happiness.
Glenn Braggs - Score 1992
While Studio was looking to hook folks up, it seems that someone at Score may have been nearing a restraining order. Glenn's summary includes the fact that he has an "awesome build" and that he "would rate well against any of the other strong men in the game." ... Uhh, Score, we're still talking about baseball, right?
Larry Johnson - Skybox 1995-1996
We close with a bit of unintentional (hopefully) demotivation. The card says "Standing 6-2 in the seventh grade, LJ was later named by his high school classmates 'Most Likely to Succeed.'" In other words, "Hey short kids, give up now."
The Writings, interpreting hidden basketball card messages since 2009.
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