The holidays are over and that can only mean one thing: someone, somewhere is pretty upset that the antlers they super-glued to their dog's head are not coming off as easily as they'd hoped. Blasted glue!
... Wait, that's not it. No, the end of the holiday season means I no longer have an excuse for neglecting The Writings. It's time to get back to my routine schedule of posting. (read: posts will once again be sporadic and erratically inconsistent... You're relieved, I'm sure) Anyway, consider this as the first step in getting back on the right track.
- The holiday break did provide a few additions to my ever-expanding list of things that are "awww"-inspiringly cute when done by an infant, but "alert the authorities" awkward if done by anyone else. New entries include: chewing on someone else's finger, yelling random untelligible nonsense during church, and lying in the middle of the floor on one's belly and swinging arms and legs as if swimming.
- Can someone explain to me the concept behind waiting in Times Square for 11 hours to ensure that you have a good spot to see the ball drop on New Year's? You know exactly what's going to happen. The ball drops. People cheer. Then you probably have to wait another 11 hours just to catch a cab to get back to your hotel. Sure, those folks might argue that it's no different than waiting hours to see a sporting event. Unfortunately for them, those folks would be wrong. With a sporting event, there's uncertainty. You don't know the outcome, which adds excitement and, in turn, can make the end result expontially more satisfying (or frustrating). (A sporting event also lasts longer than 10 seconds.) When that ball drops, the only uncertainty is whether an inebriated guy in the crowd will get slapped for trying to get a smooch from a random female.
- Note to iTunes: you may claim to have a "Genius" feature, but the fact that you recommend I download New Kids on the Block's "Hangin' Tough" makes me wonder if someone read your IQ test results wrong. That, or the program's artificial intelligence has developed understanding of sarcasm... Touche.
- Despite our best fundraising efforts, we at The Writings were not able to land sponsorship for a bowl game this football season. (Who would have guessd you actually have to have "funds" to sponsor?) Although our dream went unfulfilled, the fact that Emerald Nuts sponsors a bowl game gives us hope for the future. Look for The Writings Pointless Drivel Bowl next football season.
- It's nice to see that Magic Johnson has an instructional basketball DVD set on the market. It's good that he's out to help the kids. The children are our future, after all... That said, it strikes me as comical that the DVD set includes a bonus conditioning disc. Why? First of all, anyone that considers conditioning to be a "bonus" is a few rebounds shy of a triple-double.* Second, it's rather apparent that Magic has packed on a couple pounds since his playing days. The aforementioned disc might be serving as a "bonus" coaster around his place.
*If you are not a sports fan, I apologize profusely for the basketball reference. It must be frustrating to continually read about things you have no interest in. If you'd like to send me the latest issue of Guns & Ammo, Good Housekeeping, or Cat Fancy that you might be reading, feel free to send it my way.
- Whether or not you've seen the advertisements for the Snuggie there's no denying that the tagline ("The Blanket With Sleeves!") is frighteningly accurate. It's also much more pleasant than the only other option: "The top cult robe on the market. Drink the Kool-Aid and buy one today!"
- If you ever find yourself in a situation where you think you might appear foolish to those around you, feel free to picture me scrunched over in my car's driver seat at a local drive-thru, straining to reach down through a slightly cracked door, attempting to nab my debit card off the ground after it was dropped there by the employee working the drive-thru window. See, you don't look like a fool. ... Oh, and thanks, fast food employee.
- I recently upgraded my cable package. Now, before you get out your Jump
to Conclusions Mat I must dispel any notions that I have recently
earned a startling increase in income, inherited great sums from a rich distant relative, or discovered buried treasure while attempting to build a
snow fort. No, my splurging for these additional opportunities to rot
my mind came about simply because I was presented with deal worthy of much rejoicing. (Hooray! ... That should cover it.) Naturally, there's a catch. After six months the "excellent
deal" evaporates and I have an "excellent burden" on my checkbook.
Thank goodness for the word "cancellation." Anyway, with a bevy of new
channels to flip through, I'm presented with a myriad of programs fit
for mockery and the like. You can certainly expect a detailed study of
such in the future.
... Wait, that's not it. No, the end of the holiday season means I no longer have an excuse for neglecting The Writings. It's time to get back to my routine schedule of posting. (read: posts will once again be sporadic and erratically inconsistent... You're relieved, I'm sure) Anyway, consider this as the first step in getting back on the right track.
- The holiday break did provide a few additions to my ever-expanding list of things that are "awww"-inspiringly cute when done by an infant, but "alert the authorities" awkward if done by anyone else. New entries include: chewing on someone else's finger, yelling random untelligible nonsense during church, and lying in the middle of the floor on one's belly and swinging arms and legs as if swimming.
- Can someone explain to me the concept behind waiting in Times Square for 11 hours to ensure that you have a good spot to see the ball drop on New Year's? You know exactly what's going to happen. The ball drops. People cheer. Then you probably have to wait another 11 hours just to catch a cab to get back to your hotel. Sure, those folks might argue that it's no different than waiting hours to see a sporting event. Unfortunately for them, those folks would be wrong. With a sporting event, there's uncertainty. You don't know the outcome, which adds excitement and, in turn, can make the end result expontially more satisfying (or frustrating). (A sporting event also lasts longer than 10 seconds.) When that ball drops, the only uncertainty is whether an inebriated guy in the crowd will get slapped for trying to get a smooch from a random female.
- Note to iTunes: you may claim to have a "Genius" feature, but the fact that you recommend I download New Kids on the Block's "Hangin' Tough" makes me wonder if someone read your IQ test results wrong. That, or the program's artificial intelligence has developed understanding of sarcasm... Touche.
- Despite our best fundraising efforts, we at The Writings were not able to land sponsorship for a bowl game this football season. (Who would have guessd you actually have to have "funds" to sponsor?) Although our dream went unfulfilled, the fact that Emerald Nuts sponsors a bowl game gives us hope for the future. Look for The Writings Pointless Drivel Bowl next football season.
- It's nice to see that Magic Johnson has an instructional basketball DVD set on the market. It's good that he's out to help the kids. The children are our future, after all... That said, it strikes me as comical that the DVD set includes a bonus conditioning disc. Why? First of all, anyone that considers conditioning to be a "bonus" is a few rebounds shy of a triple-double.* Second, it's rather apparent that Magic has packed on a couple pounds since his playing days. The aforementioned disc might be serving as a "bonus" coaster around his place.
*If you are not a sports fan, I apologize profusely for the basketball reference. It must be frustrating to continually read about things you have no interest in. If you'd like to send me the latest issue of Guns & Ammo, Good Housekeeping, or Cat Fancy that you might be reading, feel free to send it my way.
- Whether or not you've seen the advertisements for the Snuggie there's no denying that the tagline ("The Blanket With Sleeves!") is frighteningly accurate. It's also much more pleasant than the only other option: "The top cult robe on the market. Drink the Kool-Aid and buy one today!"
- If you ever find yourself in a situation where you think you might appear foolish to those around you, feel free to picture me scrunched over in my car's driver seat at a local drive-thru, straining to reach down through a slightly cracked door, attempting to nab my debit card off the ground after it was dropped there by the employee working the drive-thru window. See, you don't look like a fool. ... Oh, and thanks, fast food employee.
- I recently upgraded my cable package. Now, before you get out your Jump
to Conclusions Mat I must dispel any notions that I have recently
earned a startling increase in income, inherited great sums from a rich distant relative, or discovered buried treasure while attempting to build a
snow fort. No, my splurging for these additional opportunities to rot
my mind came about simply because I was presented with deal worthy of much rejoicing. (Hooray! ... That should cover it.) Naturally, there's a catch. After six months the "excellent
deal" evaporates and I have an "excellent burden" on my checkbook.
Thank goodness for the word "cancellation." Anyway, with a bevy of new
channels to flip through, I'm presented with a myriad of programs fit
for mockery and the like. You can certainly expect a detailed study of
such in the future.
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