Ode to the Cats

Consider this the perfect storm.

No, I'm not a fisherman, I'm not on a fishing boat sailing into frightening weather conditions, and I'm not portrayed by George Clooney.

This "perfect storm" results from the fact that recently read a Joe Posnanski baseball preview where he discussed each team in the American League via the wonder of poetry, K-State's basketball season recently ended - meaning it's ripe for a wrap-up piece, and I think trying to do a few rhymes might be a good way to pass some time. Granted, the last time I wrote any poetry was as a high schooler - where I covered pressing issues like commode-dwelling serpents - so my rhymes may come off as a bit juvenile.


Michael Beasley

K-State's number 30,
His name - Michael Beasley;
On nearly any foe,
He scored rather easily.
Against the Hawks in Manhattan,
He put up 25;
In essence, he declared,
Sorry, KU, your streak is no longer alive.
Did I mention his rebounding?
A phase that brings to mind;
A janitor armed with Windex,
Cleaning two windows in kind.
Prior to 2007,
Who could comprehend;
Beasley-like stats,
Coming from the Wildcats' end?
Hansbrough, you're good,
You too Augustine, when you're hot;
But player of the year,
You guys are not.
The argument ends,
With the mention of Mr. Bucketization;
He's the best of season,
The best in nation.
Will he be in purple next year?
It's an answer I'd rather not say;
But I think some people in the Little Apple,
May develop more interest in the NBA.



Bill Walker

There once was a forward named Bill,
His athletic ability could thrill,
The fans in the stands,
Would all clap their hands,
I hope his chance of return is greater than nil.



Jacob Pullen

K-State's best player next season may be Pullen, Jake,
Not playing him more this year may have been a mistake,
Quick enough to sneak through defenses like a snake,
Opposing guards may involuntarily quake,
When he jitters past them after a shake,
Hopefully you talus didn't suffer a break,
Is that a pass to the weak side or is it a fake?
Think about that as you're in his wake,
Any shot on the floor, he can probaby make,
Even some free thows with the game at stake,
With that skill he made folks in Lawrence ache,
He had 20 off the bench for goodness sake,
Looking for a star next season - who should you take?
The Wildcats' Agent Zero - it's just Pullen, Jake.



The Season

Frank's inaugural season,
Is now over and done,
And for more than one reason,
It provided a fair amount of fun;
A house pack to the brim,
Saw the Cats devour the Hawks,
To anyone not dim,
They seemed like tournament locks.
Down the stretch all that optimism,
Proved a bit premature,
Instead of playing with wisdom,
At times they looked like horse manure;
At tourney selection time,
They sat close to the bubble,
It's obvious that this rhyme,
Is going to say they got in and avoided trouble;
Mitch Richmond wore No. 23,
The last time the Cats won a tournament game,
The Cats ended that streak by topping USC,
And the nation knew K-State by name;
The Cats fell to the Badgers in round two,
Their season now is finished,
But after making noise in the tourney it's hard to be blue,
And their accomplishments have not diminished.
With next season in mind, questions surround,
If Beasley and Walker are gone will the season be blown?
But several reasons for hope can easily be found,
Oh yeah, and then there's Colon.
All jokes aside, K-State will be back,
This basketball team isn't done,
What will be next season's plan of attack?
Four words - Get Ready To Run.

Dancing With the Cats

March 1996... Does it really seem like 12 years ago?

I was in middle school (and sporting some pretty slick frames), Bill Clinton was in the White House, Michael Jordan was leading the Chicago Bulls to a record-setting 72-10 record, Braveheart won the Academy Award for Best Picture, and Jorge Sampaio became new Portuguese president (honestly, who could forget that?).

"Why bother turning back the calendar?" one might ask (... after all, one can bother asking unnecessary questions before another has the chance to explain).

March 1996 was also the last time the Kansas State Wildcats were involved an event commonly deemed "March Madness" (although the insane may take offense to such terminology).

On March 15, 1996 the Wildcats (as a No. 10 seed) battled the New Mexico Lobos in Richmond, Va. Let by point guard Elliot Hatcher and power forward Tyrone Davis, K-State had piled up 17 wins to that point. Unfortunately for the Cats, the Lobos defended like a mother Lobo protecting her pups (this simile was used just to show that I know what a Lobo is... unless the mascot refers to Lobo the alien from the planet Czarnia (from DC Comics) or Lobo the singer-songwriter who sang "Me and You and a Dog Named Boo"). K-State trailed by just a point at the half, but shot just 24-percent after the break and was outscored 38-18 in the final period.

Since that time, the K-State basketball program has seen many things happen:
- The creation of the Big 12;
- The early departure of Mark Young to play professionally (read: bad idea);
- The decision to award a scholarship to Joe Leonard (read: bad idea);
- The dismissal of Tom Asbury as head coach (read: good idea);
- The hiring of Jim Wooldridge as head coach;
- The arrival of a recruiting class pegged as No. 1 by one publication (apparently size does matter);
- The Cats getting hosed by the NIT two consecutive years;
- The dismissal of Wooldridge as head coach;
- The hiring of Bob Huggins as head coach;
- The arrival of bandwagon fans;
- The Cats being overlooked by the NCAA Tournament selection committee;
- The departure of Huggins;
- The arrival of plenty of anger and bad blood toward Huggins;
- The hiring of Frank Martin as head coach;
- The arrival of the best recruiting class to step foot in Bramlage Coliseum;
- The ascension of a basketball prodigy known as "Beasley";
- And, an up-and-down season combining the greatest of joys and the fiercest of frustrations.

That basically brings us up to date (please forgive the omission of any reference to the decision to recruit primarily out of Junction City in the late 1990s... it's probably something better off forgotten).

Anyway, the big question now is "How will the Cats fare in their first chance in the 'Big Dance' since Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men topped the charts with 'One Sweet Day'?"

Will they top the USC Trojans and become a team feared by all in their way? Or will they struggle with the most basic fundamentals of the game and get run out of the gym by O.J. Mayo and friends?

Honestly, I could see it going either way.

The Cats can cruise if...
Michael Beasley plays like Michael Beasley. I realize this is like saying "a heartbeat is necessary for survival" or "an announcer has to use a minimum of four Cinderella references to call an NCAA Tournament game," but Beasley has to get his points for the Wildcats to win. This is not because he's the only player in purple who can put the ball in the hoop, but because the offense (when it's effective) is built around him.
Beasley getting his points will bring the double-and triple-teams, which brings us to part two of this qualification - K-State has to take full advantage of the defensive focus on Beasley.
Let's pause to do a bit of math (those who don't want to can sit quietly). In the game of basketball, each team is allowed to have five players on the floor at any given time. If the Wildcats are on offense and Beasley has the ball, that means there are four (5-1=4) K-Staters who are scoring options (ok, it may be a stretch for one player in particular) who remain on that end of the court. Now, if two players are guarding Beasley while he has the ball, that means only three (5-2=3 ... math is fun) defenders remain. Now, stay with me here, if K-State has four other players on offense, but the defense only has three players away from Beasley, that means... (waiting for response from the class)... that's right - that one Wildcat should be open.
What does this all mean? It means that the offense should have players continually spotting up for open shots or cutting to the basket when Beasley has the ball. If a team is going to sacrifice a defender for a double-team, it's best to make them pay for it.

The Cats will fall if...
Those who don't wear a jersey with the number 30 on it are content to stand and watch once the ball is in his hands.

The Cats will cruise if...
Bill Walker is motivated by the opportunity to play against high school teammate Mayo and uses his uber-athleticism (aka, his aBILLity) to make an impact in all phases of the game. The scoring is wonderful, but he also has to be a force on the boards and an effective defender.

The Cats will fall if...
Walker gets in early foul trouble, limiting his ability to be effective on defense or in rebounding.

The Cats will cruise if...
Jake Pullen gets his minutes. The freshman point guard has established himself as the most talented guard on the roster, yet his playing time remains inconsistent. When K-State topped KU on Jan. 30, Pullen played 28 minutes, scored 20 points, and showed critics that the Wildcat backcourt would not be a weakness when matched up against the Jayhawks. In Lawrence on March 1, Pullen played just 11 minutes and the Cats fell 88-74.
But, it's not just Pullen. Ron Anderson has shown that he's the top rebounder/post defender/post scoring option on the team outside of the Beasley/Walker duo, yet he played just five minutes against Texas A&M (another team with a couple pretty decent posts) in the Big 12 Tournament.
Am I saying the distribution of minutes is the reason for the Wildcats' downfall? Of course not. Might it have played a part? Absolutely.

The Cats will fall if...
Pullen gets yanked and doesn't get much of a chance to run the Wildcat offense, Anderson is overlooked for minutes in the post, and Beasley and Walker are sitting next to each other on the bench with foul trouble, eating popcorn and discussing how many Bentleys they'll each have at this time next year.

Now, being the non-licensed, yet-practicing bracketologist that I am, how have I pegged the Wildcats in the tournament? On my official bracket, the Cats top the Trojans, but fall to the Wisconsin Badgers in the second round (please note that I had to beat my inexplicable optimism to the ground with a cricket bat to reach that conclusion). On the unofficial (yet much more enjoyable to fill out) version of el bracketo (my inexplicably optimistic side apparently enjoys butchering attempts at the Spanish language), the name "K-State" is printed six times, with the final script appearing underneath the heading "National Champion."

It could happen... Right?

Oh, THOSE Ides of March

According to my calendar, it's mid-March.
According to http://www.dereklarson.blogspot.com/, I haven't written much lately.
According to popular opinion expressed by the poll on the left side of the page, this is the fault of my ghost-writer... Lousy jerk.

Anyway, since I'm blaming this lack of writing for mass (read: single digit) appeal, I can't take guff for the fact that I've been spending entirely too much of my free time running the Kansas City Royals at my whim on a computer game called Baseball Mogul. It's basically SimCity with baseball instead of cities, and lacking disasters (as long as I don't trade for Neifi Perez).

I realize admitting to spending an abundance of time playing this game detracts significantly from my "cool point" account (and I'm already in debt), so I'm also going to ask that you forget that the preceding paragraph was written about me - that was also my ghost-writer... He's a horrible, unseen person.

Anyway, as tends to happen on occasion, after enjoying the weather with a trip through the park (an event that can be summarized quickly: Derek - out of shape; female joggers - mostly in shape; Derek - embarrassed; guys jogging with their shirts off - tools) this evening has found me in front of the television. With tournament week at hand, and Bobby Knight serving as an ESPN analyst, it's a good time to be watching college basketball. Nevertheless, I must take advantage of my thumb dexterity (I'm confident it is above-average... maybe even exceptional) by flipping channels. Such action opens things up to a world of discovery. Highlights so far...

... from Deal or No Deal...

Good news - Tonight's contestant just had her chosen briefcase opened to reveal $1 million.
Bad news - She had sold the case seconds earlier for over $700,000 less... Normally I don't condone complaining about being payed $200,000+ for hanging with Howie Mandel (he created Bobby's World, after all), but that lady has to feel like she just got poked in the eye with a fish hook.

...from The Moment of Truth...

I'm catching this show for the first time, but I gather you just make more money by truthfully answering questions about your personal life - questions that emphasize the "personal" nature more and more as you move along. Why you would go on this show if had something you preferred not be exposed to millions of people is beyond my comprehension. Tonight's "lucky" contestant is Michael - a guy with an apparently checkered (perhaps more complicated than checkered... chessed?) past and a flat top. As far as I know, he has not been asked about his haircut.

The pitcher in this asker-answerer battery asked Michael if he'd had ... uhhh, fantasies... about any of his friends' wives. He answered yes, evoking a bit of a disappointed groan from the audience (good call). Seconds later, the robotic woman voice that passes judgment on the truthiness (credit Stephen Colbert) of each answer confirmed that Michael was telling the truth (I'm not sure what lying about that would have accomplished), and the crowd broke into applause... C'mon, The Moment of Truth audience! I understand that you must not have much going on if you're willing to take the time to attend this show in person, but you just applauded a guy for fantasizing about one of his friends' wives. I realize it's exciting that he was telling the truth, which is the object of the game, but don't let Mrs. Roboto's voice sway your opinion so easily.

... from American Idol...

The remaining contestants are on stage making a mockery of some of The Beatles' hits and I have been reminded why I don't make watching this show a common practice... Sorry for listing this under the "highlights" section, but I have yet to create a "moments that made me wish my cable would go out" section.

... from Rudy...

I can identify with Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger. I used to get knocked around a lot (read: everyday, constantly for three years) in football practice, too. Unfortunately, I never followed that up by accompanying my hobbit friend on a journey to Mount Doom.


The plan is to get a Royals preview, a general baseball preview, and some NCAA basketball stuff up in the upcoming weeks (one week = seven days, for those unfamiliar). Naturally, this all depends on motivating that sluggard known as my ghost-writer.

Things I Don't Understand - I Have No Blue Teeth

So I am sitting in Bramlage Coliseum as the countdown to tip off ticks second-by-second closer, and something a few rows in front of me catches my eye. A man stands, clapping (mostly in rhythm) to "Wildcat Victory." He's decked in Wildcat gear, and has no features that might cause one to gasp in horror, yet something about the guy strikes me the wrong way - his right ear... Not his ear in particular, but what was in his ear - a Bluetooth earpiece.

I have no qualms with the Bluetooth earpiece in general. In fact, it's a pretty slick innovation. It allows folks to devote both hands to driving and yet talk on their cell phone at the same time. As a result, it follows Derek's Essential Rule #84 - Safety First.

My issues with Bluetooth earpieces are multiple.

- What's a hand to do?
It's time for the first ever Writings of Derek Larson Physical Challenge. No matter where you are currently reading this, put one of your hands up to your ear (in phone-holding fashion), get up (if you're sitting - or lying down (I won't claim to know how you relax) - to read this), and walk 10 paces, turn around, and walk back to your current spot. I'll give you time to complete this challenge, occupying myself by singing a little tune...

"A man walks down the street, it's a street in a strange world;
Maybe it's the Third World, maybe it's his first time around;
He doesn't speak the language, he holds no currency;
He is a foreign man, he is surrounded by the sound, the sound;
Cattle in the marketplace, scatterlings and orphanages, he looks around, around;
He sees angels in the architecture, spinning in infinity;
He says 'amen, hallelujah!'
If you'll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal;
I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me you can call me Al;
Call me Al."

Thank you, Paul Simon.

Anyway, hopefully you've had enough time to complete the physical challenge. Now it's time to evaluate... While walking with your hand to your ear, did you walk right into anything, injuring yourself? Did your arm get really tired, to the point that you could no longer hold it up? Did you feel less safe than you would have with that arm at your side?

My point with all these inane questions is that taking advantage of the hands-free quality of the Bluetooth earpieces when not using your hands for anything else seems to serve no other purpose than promoting laziness. Granted, I'm not the ideal person to be giving a lecture on avoiding laziness. As I write this I'm slouched on my couch with my feet propped on my coffee table, and I'm slowly going thirsty because I can't reach my cup of lemonade (grow, arms, grow!). Nevertheless, I have successfully completed the physical challenge and stand by my "don't use Bluetooth earpieces if you're arms aren't engaged" stance.


- Are you talking to me?
You've (hopefully) passed the physical challenge (if not, I deeply apologize), now it's time to test your imagination.

Picture yourself in the grocery store of your choosing. Your cupboards are bare in your home and you've made the poor decision of going to buy groceries at dinnertime - before eating (dun dun DUNNNNN). Every food item you see looks delicious, and your cart is filling up faster than an Arrowhead Stadium restroom at halftime. As you stand in the frozen food aisle, attempting to determine exactly what brand of frozen pizza is right for you, you hear, "Hey, what's going on?"

You glance to your right and see some little lady pushing her cart your way, seemingly looking in your direction. You don't exactly recognize her, but you aren't exactly one who remembers every name/face you encounter. Not wanting to seem rude, you begin to toss your preferred greeting (whether it's "hello," "what's up," or "a hoi hoi"), before she seemingly cuts you off and says, "Yeah, I was totally hammered," (Is the fact that I live in a college town evident from the fact that such is a commonly overheard statement?).

You stand stunned, unsure exactly what the heck this girl is talking about and thinking it's a bit weird that she took the conversation - without any prompting - in such a direction... That is, until you notice that her hair is covering a barely visible Bluetooth earpiece. This girl does not know you and was not speaking to you, but instead was speaking to one of her little friends via Bluetooth. As you realize this, you attempt to cover up the appearance of your hand (partially raised, as you prepared to give your preferred visual greeting (be it a wave, a peace sign, or a Three Stooges eye poke)) and your mouth (partially open, as you had begun to toss out your spoken greeting) by quickly coughing into a closed fist... Your efforts earn you little more than a bewildered look and a stronger sense of self deprecation.

Had it not been for the Bluetooth earpiece, you would have minded your own business, picked up a couple pizzas, and been on your way.

Thank you for taking part in the this 100-percent hypothetical (I certainly never encounter awkward social situations... never) imagination exercise.


- Can you hear me now? Of course not!
My last point refers back to the whole reason I was set off on this rant - the guy at the ballgame. Have you ever tried talking on a phone in a basketball arena or outdoor stadium while game action is actually occurring? Normally these athletic events involve screaming fans, clapping hands, and pep bands (you get the rhyme for free). Such an atmosphere does not exactly ooze the opportunity for civil conversation.

In fact, I'm confident I can sum up 96.4-percent of such phone calls with the following transcript -

Fan at Arena (FaA): Hello?
Friend Calling at Inopportune Time (FCaIT): (inaudible)
FaA: (yelling) What?
FCaIT: (inaudible)
FaA: (yelling louder, because if you can't hear the person talking to you, it's obvious that YOU need to be louder) WHAT??? I'M AT THE GAME.
FCaIT: (inaudible again)
FaA: (yelling still) NO! THE GAME! THE BASKETBALL GAME!
FCaIT: (inaudible... although one phrase sounded like "chicken pudding in a trailer")
FaA: (now yelling so loud all fans in the area are glaring) YEAH, OK, I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

The point of this whole spiel is that - due to the fact that the odds of having a productive phone call at a ballgame are as likely as one of the athletes in that game removing his shoelaces, fashioning them into a bullwhip, and then using that whip to swing from the rafters - there is no point to having the Bluetooth earpiece in "ready to converse" position (in an ear) while at a sporting event.

As far as I know, these earpieces are not surgically attached upon purchase, and therefore they are removable. Wouldn't it be nice to give an ear a chance to live a little during a game, freeing it from its intrusive new occupant?

Please, guy at Bramlage and other Bluetooth earpiece users, use this technology in a sensible manner.

Observations From the Air - Southwest Edition

This was written a few weeks ago, on a business trip, but not publicized until now because of (insert valid excuse here). Forgive the lack of postings in February, my only excuse is that there are fewer days in this month, which makes it hard for me to take it seriously.


That's right, folks - traveling for work means more astounding airport action, which in turn means plenty of time for the thoughts that claim residence inside my head to run amok. What adventures will Derek encounter this trip? Read on...

2-11-08, Kansas City to Tucson

Good news - while waiting for my flight to board here at Kansas City International, I just made eye contact with one of the most attractice girls I've ever seen. We're talking absolutely gorgeous. Naturally, 43 seconds later some guy who looks like be belongs to the cast of "The Hills" came up and gave her a kiss... I now despise that show more than ever. Oddly enough, no more than 2 minutes and 19 seconds later, a TV in our Southwest gate 33 waiting area played a commercial featuring the theme song from the aforementioned, now exceedingly despised show. At this point, I'm getting worried about the prospects of this trip, since it seems that even my good friend television is turning against me.

Later, on the plane...

Good news - Southwest laughs in the face of those with peanut allergies and provides the little bags of peanuts anyway. Not only that, but my traveling companion has no interest in the tiny bag of deliciousness that she was given (which contains neither peas, nor nuts... think about it) and handed it to me. For those of you keeping score, I now have in my possession two bags of peanuts, despite the fact that I was completely lacking in the "package of generic peanuts" department when I awoke this morning... This is what we in the business refer to as positive peanut profit. It's the true goal of any trip.

---

Thanks to a short stop in Albequerque, I've had time to learn a little Spanish (salida means exit, or so I gather from the bilingual signs at the front, middle, and rear of this aircraft. I've also done a little browsing in the Skymall catalog. I have a theory that the folks at Skymall are the ones who insist that alcohol be available when traveling by air. That's not to say that I don't need a "Voice-Activated R2-D2" or a "Bigfoot - The Garden Yeti" sculpture, I just might need a few glasses of something pretty strong befor I realize it.

---

2-13-08, Tucson to Las Vegas

It is 6:30 a.m., the sun has yet to rise, and I'm on a flight out of Tucson. What have I come away with from my short time in the Arizona sun? Well, I've been treated like a VIP everywhere, visited a spot that John Wayne filmed movies, participated in a Tequila toast, eaten a meal that may have been more expensive than my weekly food budget, and learned more facts about cacti than any person who lives in the Midwest should know (are you aware that the barrell cactus grows leaning to the south 90-percent of the time?). Sure, there are other details, but who is here to hear about work?

2-13-08, Las Vegas to Kansas City

Unfortunately, my attempts at hitting a big jackpot in the LV airport and coming back to Kansas a rich man went unfulfilled. My time spent "gaming" was so unfruitful that the most exciting part may have been when the attendant monitoring a section of the slots asked to check my ID... Exciting stuff.

Making a special gues appearance on this flight - and sitting directly across the aisle from me - is a young man who seems to be the lead in an air-one-man-band. At our curising altitude of 28,000 feet, I've had the opportunity to witness this guy perform solos on the air guitar, air drums, and what appeared to be the air keyboard (a rare happening). He has also tossed in a little air dancing, and I can't believe I'm getting this show for free (and that I've been able to keep from laughing out loud).

This kid has talent. Granted, he may not be up to par with a group of young kids that formed an air band in basement back in the 80s (their rendition of "Wipeout" was amazing (this is a pretty obvious insider's inside joke... sorry for those who may be confused)), but he's still pretty good.

I may have to request an air autograph.

84-75... You Understand

As a wave of purple exuberance flooded the Bramlage Coliseum court on Wednesday night, I was not sure what was racing faster - my heart thanks to 40 minutes of standing, shouting, living, and dying (figuratively) with every foul, turnover, and basket; or my brain while attempting to comprehend just how perfect the night had been and how big of a victory the Wildcats' 84-75 win over the Kansas Jayhawks really was.

One day later, my heart has slowed to the point that I'm no longer feating cardiac arrythmia, but thoughts are still zipping through my head like Wildcat point guard Jacob Pullen breaking a Jayhawk press.

With my mind as crowded as the Bramlage floor seconds after the clock hit 0:00, truly illustrating my thoughts in written form would look something like this:

HolysmokestheCatsfinallybeattheHawksatBramlage.NotonlythatbuttheybeattheNo.2teaminthecountry. OntopofallthatK-StateisnowinsolepossessionoffirstplaceintheBig12.Sweetmercy.Hallelujah.

As you can see, following that writing strategy may not be the most effective way of conveying my thoughts. This process needs deep, serious thought... like an award acceptance speech. And, well, I have a feeling winning an award could not have me feeling much better than this win has left me feeling, so consider this my speech at the podium (... it's a figurative podium).

Ahem...

First, I'd like to thank Michael Beasley and Bill Walker. It's been a long, long time since the best player on the court in the Sunflower Showdown has donned purple... Wednesday night, the Wildcats had the top two players. They may both be freshmen, but the young bucketization specialists do not seem to know the meaning of the phrase "big game jitters," and combining for 47 points seems to illustrate that rather well. They simply play the game, and as Beasley says, they "play for keeps."
... Oh, and thanks for following through on Beasley's prediction. Beat KU in Manhattan - check. Now there's that game in Lawrence... and one in Africa if they're feeling salty.

I'd like to thank coach Frank Martin. Efforts like this should help people realize that he's got a few things going for him other than being a friend of Bob Huggins and a key to keeping Beasley and Walker after Huggins' departure. The offense-defense rotations of Walker-Kent and Young-Sutton were moves that paid off. The switches between man and zone defenses were obviously effective as well.
Also, when some coaches speak of taking one game at a time, it can seem like lip service, but something about Martin shows it's 100-percent genuine in his case. He's chasing a championship, which is a mindset that hasn't exactly been associated with K-State basketball for awhile.

I'd like to thank the aforementioned Pullen, along with fellow guards Clent Stewart and Blake Young. Prior to the 7 p.m. tipoff on Wednesday, popular (unanimous?) opinion seemed to be that the Wildcats' backcourt would be their downfall. After all, KU's backcourt was simply too talented for the Stewart-Pullen-Young trio (that's SPY for you acronym fans out there). Funny how little popular opinion matters once a game starts. Pullen, continuing his transformation from a high school kid learning the college game into a legitmate threat on a legitimate team, scored 20 points while shooting a perfect 10-10 from the foul stripe - including several clutch free throws as the game neared an end. He also showed off his ballhandling capabilities, proving too quick for the Jayhawk defense while breaking presses and finding lanes to the basket on a consistent basis. Stewart scored 11 points while continuing to serve as the model of quiet consistency, and Young tallied five assists and no turnovers against a KU perimeter defense touted as the best in the conference.

I'd like to thank the rest of the Wildcats:
- Dominique Sutton for a harrassing defensive effort. Matched up for much of the game against Brandon Rush, Sutton responded to a push into the starting lineup and forced two steals. He also came up with a huge play, streaking in from the weak side to swat a Jayhawk layup.
- Darren Kent for playing his role in outstanding fashion. Sure his shots didn't fall, but Kent stepped in when Walker got in foul trouble and held his own in the post defensively. Seeing Kent play a key role for a Top 25 team may not be something I ever expected, but I certainly don't mind being wrong.
- The rest of the bench for keeping the crew energized.

I'd like to thank my cellphone for having a digital camera (or at least a poor excuse for one) allowing me to snap the above picture.

I'd like to thank the Bramlage crowd. From the students that arrived the night before and hid in shrubbery to avoid security to the 60-year-old man sitting next to me that exhibited his excitement through the wonder of hogcalls (suuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey), the atmosphere was the best I'd ever experienced in organized basketball. Constant standing, continuous noise and clever signs all added to an environment that I will not soon forget. I'm pretty confident the top five loudest moments ever at Bramlage may have all occurred in this game (sorry, debut of Joe Leonard... you'll have to settle for 6th place). Even a held ball 30 seconds into the game elicited a gigantic roar.
Also, a big thanks goes to the student section for realizing that the "o-ver-rate-ed" chant is not a flattering one and avoiding it completely. It's never fun to admit, but KU is a very good team. Fortunately, a 5-0 in conference play K-State team is showing that they may deserve that label, as well.

In closing, I'd like to thank my family for raising me to be what every Kansas kid should be... a Wildcat.

Gladiators in Our Country, and other things

As many folks know, American Gladiators recently received new television life. Gladiators had been dead since 1996, but NBC did its best Dr. Frankenstein impersonation and gave the show new life. As one who enjoyed watching the show on Saturday mornings during its original run, I naturally miss the nostalgia of Larry Csonka providing commentary and “Two Scoops” Berry becoming grand champion (I realize only three people alive have any clue what I’m talking about by this point). Nevertheless, I put in some time watching the program on Monday night (the second episode of the new iteration I’ve witnessed) and noted a couple of my favorite (read: most ridiculous) elements of AG08.

And down on the floor with the next contestant… Hulk Hogan?

As anyone who has seen Mr. Terry Bollea (how many “cool points” does knowing a pro wrestler’s real name deduct?) compete in the squared-circle (no, I don’t know how that term makes any sense at all) knows, the man who once played Thunderlips in Rocky III is a “Real American.” (He fights for the rights of every man)

Unfortunately, being a real American doesn’t make you a good host/sideline reporter. While Hogan still delights Hulkamaniacs around the globe by sporting his trademark blonde handlebar mustache and bandanna atop his bald dome, his attempts at interviewing contestants sound so scripted that I think the striking Writer’s Guild may have a beef with the show. It’s fairly obvious that Bob Costas would not make much of a professional wrestler, so I’m not sure why the Hulkster would be expected to be a talented reporter.

Of course, Hulk’s misgivings as an announcer would all be forgiven if he would just end every interview by telling the contender to says his-or-her prayers and take his-or-her vitamins.

Ridiculous names and gimmicks for the gladiators

Despite the fact that these events are (apparently) legit competitions, American Gladiators took a page from the former World Wrestling Federation’s book by attaching names and gimmicks to some of the gladiators. Granted, there are no evil clowns or angry dentists, but some of the characters come off as nothing more than delightfully stupid.

The most absurd of all these characters is a man who calls himself “Wolf.” Wolf sports a mane of wild brown hair, an abundance of facial hair, and insists on howling before and after his events. His look and actions are almost animal-like. It’s like he’s trying to come of as some sort of … coyote, or something.

Runner-up for the most incongruous name goes a woman who looks like the long, lost member of the von Trapp family, and whose favorite things include weight sets and dumbbells instead of raindrops on roses. For Gladiators’ purposes, despite the fact that her actual name seems to have no Norse connections, this woman is known as Hellga… You read no typo. Not only is this woman apparently a warrior of the Viking variety, but she also is evil enough that the depths of the underworld are actually spelled out in her name.


In other news…

I recently came across this link, http://www.wackyarchives.com/offbeat/caring-for-a-baby-101.html , which should be of great benefit to any potential (or current) parents out there. When in doubt, check the chart.

I have to think giving a State of the Union Address would be a huge confidence booster. Where else can you get ovations (often of the standing variety) after nearly every sentence you complete?

If you are viewing this via www.dereklarson.blogspot.com (sorry Facebook note readers, no luck for you) you may have noticed the new poll feature on the left side of the page. Take a look, vote (two votes at last tally… woohoo!), and let me know if you have any good ideas for poll questions in the future. I can always use the opinions of two different people for some good research.


Finally…

Obviously, there’s a huge game taking place in Bramlage Coliseum on Wednesday night. It’s not often that K-State attempts to break a 24-home-game losing streak against its in-state rival in a contest that features the No. 2 and No. 22 teams in the country (hard to believe, I know). The Wildcats are playing much better than they have in years, but defeating Kansas will still take quite an effort.

Can the Wildcats win? Absolutely.

Despite what national reporters may say concerning their infatuations with the Eric Gordons and Derrick Roses of the world, Michael Beasley is the best freshman (and probably best player) in the country. Disagree? Check the stats. It’s hard to argue with the No. 4 scorer and leading rebounder in the nation. Add Bill Walker into the mix (averaging 17 ppg in conference play) and you’re looking at one of the best forward combinations in the nation. The rest of the crew might not be names that strike fear in the hearts of many, but they comprise a team that has improved as much as a Guitar Hero player who discovered he’s been holding the controller upside-down.

Will the Wildcats win? … I don’t exactly have the most accurate record when it comes to written predictions. Then again, I've never tried including a hidden prediction (probably available to those reading at www.dereklarson.blogspot.com only)...

Let's Go Cats!

In case you are not aware, I exhibit some hermit-like tendencies. On a nice Saturday with nothing major to do, I've done exactly that - nothing major. Aside from a trip to a large chain store that may one day rule the world (hint: it rhymes with Ball-Cart), I've basically put a dent in my couch while watching college basketball. With K-State now opening Big 12 competition with a battle against the Oklahoma Sooners, there's even more hoops on the schedule.

My media coverage of D-1 basketball has been mostly limited to the women's game this season, and as a result I'm suffering a few symptoms of withdrawal when it comes to writing about the men's side. Therefore, I'm going to hit the highlights (or random points) of this game as I view it on my home theater (i.e., six-year-old TV).

Pregame- The starting lineups are shown, and Andre Gilbert remains in the starting lineup, despite the continual emergence of recent Wildcat addition Dominique Sutton. That's a situation that will probably change by the end of the month.

1st half
16:38- The Cats are up 10-9, thanks in part (we'll call it 50-percent) to five early points (five is 50-percent of 10... yes, I did go to a couple math contests as an elementary schooler) by Michael Beasley. Beasley is matching up against OU forward Blake Griffin, probably the second-best frosh in the conference, behind Beasley... Believe it or not, that storyline has already been mentioned a few times.

13:45- Shortly after checking in, Sutton scores his first two points of the game off a couple free throws to put the Cats up 15-12.

12:41- Luis Colon gets an offensive foul after throwing an elbow while posting up. If there was an event more likely to happen in this game than that one, I'm not sure what it would be.

9:50- The TV play-by-play announcer asks the rhetorical question "How good would (the Wildcats) be with (injured forward) David Hoskins?" Luckily, I've become accustomed to the "knife in the chest" feeling that has consistently followed this question the entire season.

9:10- OU's Longar Longar hits a pair of free throws to put the Sooners up 26-24. I get the feeling Dunder Mifflin's Michael Scott would have a hard time refraining from voicing his trademark, "That's what she said," saying if he were in Paul Splittorff's spot as the color announcer.

Minutes later - During a commercial break, I contemplate how entertaining an announcing team of Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute would be (Although it's not possible. They're fictional... and overqualified). Granted, the basketball IQ would be low, but I guarantee fans would learn a few facts about bears.

6:34- Beasley rebounds his own shot and scores, as the Sooners lead 30-29. What can I say, the kid is fun to watch. At least I'll probably have an NBA team to truly root for next year.

4:06- Beasley hits a baseline jumper to increase his point total to 13 and again pull the Wildcats within a point, 34-33... Meanwhile, I'm writing a letter to NBA commissioner David Stern petitioning the creation of a rule requiring college players to finish their eligibility at a school before being drafted.

2:14- K-State now leads 37-34, after six straight points by number 30. Finding the right balance between Beasley's scoring and the rest of the Wildcats will play a huge role in the conference season (sorry... that was my Madden-esque, obvious comment of the day).

1:02- Griffin zips right around Colon for an quick bucket... I shake my head.

Half- The Wildcats lead 42-40.
-- Flipping through channels at the half, I discover a news story about a man who wrecked his pickup. The story is obviously unfortunate, but it takes an interesting twist - He did not buckle himself into his seat belt, resulting in injury, but his 12-pack of beer was buckled in tight and secure in its seat (http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Quirks/2008/01/08/beer_wore_seatbelt_man_did_not/7287/) ... I guess life is all about priorities.

2nd half

18:45- Bill Walker sinks a 3-pointer to put the Cats up 45-44.

18:02- Walker hits another 3-pointer. If this were NBA Jam, the announcer would have just said, "He's heating up."

17:09- Beasley eclipses the 20-point mark after point guard Clent Stewart follows the "when in doubt, get it to Beasley" rule... It's a good rule.

16:12- Sutton picks off a pass like a seasoned NFL cornerback and draws the foul at the opposite end. K-State is up 51-48 after Sutton converts one-of-two free throws.

14:44- Freshman point guard Jacob Pullen connects with Beasley for a perfectly orchestrated alley-oop. Seems like a good momentum builder.

12:51- Seems like I was wrong, as Oklahoma finishes a quick six-point run to lead 57-55.

Commercial break - Can someone please alert the cows of the world that they're consistently spelling "chicken" wrong? I know the idea of talking to cows may seem absurd, but if they know enough to compose sentences, surely they can understand us. It's not "chikin," you fools!

12:16- Walker converts an and-one situation, and the Wildcats are back up 58-57... and I'm not making anymore predictions tonight.

11:40- With half a minute left on the shot clock, Darren Kent lofts a 3-pointer from the left wing that does not find its intended destination. It's at this point that I directly channel the sentiments of every other Wildcat fan watching the game. "What the...?"

10:45- 62-60 Wildcats, after another Beasley jumper.

9:39- Walker converts another bucket-and-foul combo.

9:00- Walker drives around Griffin and throws down a huge two-handed slam... I'd like to thank the Wildcat coaching staff for realizing the match up problems that could be created by playing Walker at the four-spot with Beasley at the five. K-State leads 67-62.

6:26- Griffin throws down a slam to give the Sooners a one-point lead. Beasley follows at the other end with a quick shot from the short corner... It would be pretty fun to see these two match up for three more years... Ahh, dreams.

5:01- A Blake Young 3-pointer is followed by a Tony Crocker 3 for OU... 72-72, Hello shootout.

3:32- Beasley absorbs contact in the lane, scores a bucket and hits the ensuing free throw. 75-74, Wildcats.

Under 3 minutes - This is nerve-wracking.

2:01- Walker converts again when fouled in the lane, but this time the free throw won't drop... I think that means Walker should stick around for another season... please.

2:00- Thank goodness Griffin can't hit free throws. The kid keeps getting to the line, but he's struggling... Nevertheless, this seems to be another Big 12 freshman that is quite a player.

1:09- HUGE 3-pointer by Oklahoma-native Clent Stewart to put K-State up 82-78. Sticking the open treys that result from double-teams down low will be a big key for Stewart the rest of the season (Mr. Obvious makes his inevitable return).

0:24- A Griffin steal and dunk ties the game. Stewart's pass at the top of the key was a bit weak, and Griffin took full advantage.

Did I mention the wracked state of my nerves at this point? I had a press row seat for the K-State-OU game a few years ago when former-Sooner Drew Lavender went coast-to-coast and sank the Wildcats with a buzzer-beater. Such a memory is filed under "Good, Not."

I have a pretty good guess as to who would get the final shot... but that's just me.

0:00- A penetrating Pullen draws the defense in, and he finds an open (huh?) Beasley underneath the basket for the final deuce. OU's last-second heave misses the mark.

Hello victory. The Wildcats open Big 12 Conference play 1-0 with a road win. Such a victory could be pretty big for a K-State team that needs to get as many quality wins as it can in league play to increase its chances at the NCAA Tournament.

I also appreciate the fact that I didn't spend time during the game taking all these notes only to be frustrated with the result. Such would not be something I'd deem as an "enjoyable venture."

The basic formula the Cats used tonight (strong efforts from Beasley (32 points, 11 rebounds) and Walker (22 points)) will be essential to success in the Big 12, but the Wildcats will need to improve their effort on the glass (out-rebounded 30-26).

Overall, you're looking at a very encouraging win for K-State, and something good to build off with a match up against the no. 10 Texas A&M Aggies looming next Saturday... Something tells me you may read about this team in this space again.

Looking Back and Glancing Ahead

I apologize.

Apparently I misinterpreted this whole “Television Writers’ Strike.” It applies to individuals who get paid to write scripts, jokes, etc., for television shows… not people who write as a hobby about things they see on TV (this explains why my picketing in Manhattan, Kansas has been such a lonely affair). As a result, I’ve been slacking on updating this reservoir for carefully crafted written works (translation: blog). Because of this, the public (one person) has been in an uproar (slight sense of disapproval).

Well, the new year has arrived and with it comes a resolution: I will heed the demands (suggestions in passing) of the greater public (again, one person), and compose more exemplifications of self-expression via the written word (pointless, rambling things filled with inside jokes that may not entertain anyone but myself) than I have been.

How serious am I about this resolution? I’ve downgraded my Netflix account to one movie at-a-time in order to allow more opportunities to write (… pausing to allow situation-appropriate gasps and possible fainting spells…). That’s right, I’m sacrificing an opportunity to see feature films (some of which are distinctly putrid... right Pick of Destiny?) that will be around forever in order to hone my ability to concoct prose.

In effort to assist in the strenuous task of thinking of subjects to write about (a process that often consists of turning on the television (I’ve got sensitive thumbs)), I’m now also taking requests for topics. To start things off, I’ve conducted an in-depth study and discovered that my readership insists on a recap of 2007 and a look ahead at 2008 (the aforementioned “one person” suggested the idea, again in passing).

Without further ado, here’s 2007 in review (that’s right, 2008 Derek will not be constricted by a fear of rhyming; he’ll embrace it)…

January 2007-
On my 25-year journey to becoming the person I am on this very day, I entertained many ideas as to what profession I might one day pursue. Would I be a taxi driver? An archaeologist? A professional baseball player? The possibilities were endless. Possibilities never considered by young Derek were anything that involved frozen water (figure skater, ice hockey player, ice fisherman, Vanilla Ice backup dancer) and I showed why on a fateful (clumsy) January day.

Walking into work, a slip on the ice brought about one immediate thought. No, it wasn’t, “Ouch, my wrist.” As I scrambled back to my feet, the most pressing thought in my mind was, “Wow, I hope no one saw that.” Luckily for my short-term pride, no one did, but increasing discomfort in the scaphoid (fancy name for one of the bones in the wrist) near my right hand brought about worries and ultimately a trip to the doctor. With the ensuing x-rays, cast application, and weeks of attempting to live left-handed, the question that always remained was, “Oh, what happened?” Unfortunately, the answer was always “Well, I have the balance of a cross-eyed pirate who’s had too much rum, misplaced his wooden leg, and now must maneuver across a sopping poop deck.”

Stupid ice.

February 2007-
Please be patient while I channel my inner James Lipton (or a written knock-off of Will Ferrell’s impersonation)…

The entire world stopped and applauded as Eddie Murphy’s film Norbit hit theaters and declared box office supremacy. Norbit used a COMPLETELY ORIGINAL story element that involved a comedian dressing up as a very fat woman. The result: comedic gold.

March 2007-
The annual “This Is Why You Don’t Bet On Games/Take That, Derek’s Bracket” game happened in just the second round of the NCAA Tournament when USC topped freshman phenom Kevin Durant and crew. Seeing the final score of that game left me feeling like a depressed Ron Burgandy walking the sunny streets of San Diego with a carton of milk. “Texas was a bad choice.”

April 2007-
Diego Gasques won the 7th edition of Big Brother Brasil (thanks, Wikipedia)… Now you can’t say you didn’t learn anything.

May 2007-
I ended my residence at one of the most ramshackled excuses for an apartment that I’ve ever been witness to. In my time there, my ceiling leaked, bugs roamed as if it was their natural habitat, and my sidewalk and driveway were never scooped of their snow and ice once (please note: I’m normally capable of shoveling such snow, but there was the whole broken wrist issue). Despite all these issues and complaints, upon moving out I was penalized an outlandish amount of money for things like having dust on the blinds and not cleaning an oven that happened to be caked in preposterous amounts of char when I moved in.

In case you’re wondering, that landlord did not receive a Christmas card.

June 2007-
The Kansas City Royals put together their first winning month since 2003, while pitcher Brian Bannister won the American League Rookie of the Month award. You didn’t think I could write review piece without mentioning the Royals, did you?

July 2007-
It was hot… Apparently so hot that I couldn’t think.

August 2007-
The Kansas City Chiefs started preseason play and scored a total of 10 points against a Miami Dolphins team that would flirt with a 0-16 regular season record. Who says preseason games don’t tell you anything?

September 2007-
The world of professional football continued to turn against Derek Larson, as the Chiefs opened the season 0-2 (scoring 13 total points in the process) and all [number omitted in effort to maintain dignity] of his fantasy teams suffered from injuries, inept performances, or both.

October 2007-
Following suit, college football began its turn against me, as K-State dropped games to Kansas and Oklahoma State. Because the Orange Bowl is on the television in front of me as I write this, I refuse to discuss any further outcomes of the college football season.

November 2007-
Michael Beasley made his debut in what is destined to be an abbreviated collegiate career. The prospects of a 30-point, 20-rebound effort seemed like a supernatural effort to Wildcat fans the previous March, but Beasley accomplished the effort in his first regular season game… The phrase “special player” comes to mind.

December 2007-
Bringing events of the year full-circle, my nemesis, Ice, returned and this time attacked in full force. Ice blanketed much of the state, and put many folks without electricity for several days. I was only without power for seven hours, but I may have been developing Cabin Fever by the end of it.


Ice may have gotten the best of me in 2007, but 2008 will be different. In fact, I’m going to request that anyone reading this immediately run to the nearest freezer, remove some ice cubes and put them in the microwave for two minutes…. Now who’s laughing, Ice?

Aside from my all-out battle against the forces of all 14-known solid phases of water (again, Wikipedia… anyone can edit it, so you know it’s accurate), what else will 2008 bring?

The TV Writers’ strike will end when a network airs a new reality show called Who Needs Writers? on which random folks try to act in a television show without a script. The resulting clueless stares on the faces of the actors will seem funny at first, but will wear on viewers after the first 40 minutes without dialogue.

I will pick KU to lose within the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament (this receives the ‘DL Guarantee’).

The Kansas City Chiefs will use their top-10 draft pick on a defensive lineman that has size and plenty of “potential” but will never pan out and will be off the team in three years (please be wrong).

The Kansas City Royals will show marked improvement and will compete for third place in a strong American League Central division (the third time predicting this has to be a charm, right?).

My calls for the short lived TV series 3 South to return to television or at least be put on DVD will continue to be ignored.

A young actress/musician will be arrested for something drug/alcohol related and the media will treat it as if it’s an unprecedented situation (quite a stretch, I know).

I will struggle to think of ideas of things to write about and will need inspiration. Send me ideas.

Exciting, unforeseen events will occur, and great things will happen… Who do I look like, Miss Cleo?

And finally, the population of the public (one person) that demands so much of me (makes passing comments) will double by the end of the year… How’s that for positive thinking?

I Have a Blog? (A collection of random thoughts from the mind of one man… (Me))

Contrary to popular belief (or fictional creation), I did not recently lose all my fingers (and, therefore, my ability to type (I enjoy cause-and-effect relationships (I also enjoy using parentheses (is this getting confusing yet? (Sorry… this was unwarranted))))) in an unfortunate accident involving hedge clippers and a couple of hangnails. Because I still have fully functioning digits and because I enjoy entertaining myself by composing text in a manner I deem fit (self, if you're reading this, thanks for all your support), here’s yet another glimpse into the things that currently occupy my thoughts… and dreams…. OK, just my thoughts.

- When I lost power for seven hours due to the recent ice storm, I had plenty of time to stop, collaborate and to listen. Unfortunately, I also had plenty of time to get very bored. Apparently my current lifestyle is very dependent on electricity. Who knew? I took three hikes out into the icy tundra (smart move for a guy who may or may not have shown the steadiness of a three-legged giraffe on roller skates when walking on some ice last winter) just to get out of my apartment. I can’t imagine what I would have done without power for seven days… I take that back, I can imagine it, and involves building forts out of everything I could find and spending time enjoying a nice pair of slacks.

- Were there really a large number of people clamoring for another “Bring It On” sequel? I’ll admit, I saw the first in the series (mostly, nay, completely because of Kirsten Dunst), but could anyone actually create a compelling story out of a movie about cheerleading. Look for this to be a concept of a new reality show in the spring, since the TV writers’ strike is still rolling.

- I have seen the preview for the new season of Lost four times today and I have felt like a chubby kid walking into Dairy Queen each time (season premiere = orange Mr. Misty… you look forward to it and you know it will be good, but if you try to take it in to quickly, your head is going to be hurting). I’m mildly obsessed with the show; unfortunately www.webmd.com does not offer tips for a “Lost” addiction.

- I’m now regretting the admission that I actually watched “Bring It On.”

- What’s the most disturbing news emanating from the recently released “Mitchell Report”? No, it’s nothing involving Roger Clemens. It doesn’t even concern someone currently active on a Major League roster. No, the news that surely dug so deep into the souls of all baseball fans that it came out the other side involved just one name – Phil. That’s right former Kansas City Royal Phil Hiatt (along with his .216 career batting average) was implicated. The third baseman seemed promising as a rookie in 1993, and his surefire trek to superstardom led one very educated 11-year-old to the belief that he should buy his Upper Deck rookie card while on vacation in Colorado. Alas, his journey to the Hall of Fame would be derailed, mostly by corporate politics (column-speak for the aforementioned career batting average). What is the moral of this story? There isn’t one. It’s just sad that I specifically remember purchasing Phil Hiatt’s rookie card for $1.25 (yet another convincing argument for those in the “Derek Has No Life” camp… current score: …how does “cripplingly depressing” translate into a numerical value?).

- I’m currently looking into a cure for the dejection that resulted from all competition on the gridiron in 2007. Thus far, I have yet to find a cure that doesn’t involve a time machine. Where are Doc Brown and the DeLorean or Rufus and the telephone booth when you need them?

- I'm glad I met my "referencing movies from my youth that involve time travel" quota in this writing.

- If there’s a more disappointing show on TV right now than Frank TV (did I mention it’s on TV), I don’t want to know about it. The man’s standup routine is uproariously (my favorite five-syllable word that starts with the letter ‘u’ and ends in “proariously”) funny, but his act doesn’t seem to translate well to a sketch show… and the on-stage segments between sketches leave me feeling like I’m encountering a close-talker (uncomfortable and awkward).

If you've read this far, have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful holiday season. If you skipped everything else just to read this final paragraph, the aforementioned holiday wishes still apply, but I also might suggest finding a new hobby.

(Insert Title Here)

It has been nearly a month since I have entered any text in this electronic medium designated for that very purpose. The sad thing is, I'm not exactly brimming with mind-blowing ideas for this space tonight. As a result, what follows is a completely original idea - random thoughts and observations put into readable word as I sit in front of the television (that's surely never been done before, has it?).

Telemundo - Your one-stop shop for cheesy mustaches
I'm not sure that requires any further explanation... Just a straight fact.

Pet Peeve - Text and Instant Messaging Lingo (note: Try to find some additional nuisances to Derek Larson in the following paragraph. Be sure your eye is keen... they're hidden very well)
"OMG"
"LOL"
"JK"
"Where r u?"
I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that, as someone who pretends to be a writer now and then, I think the above phrases are making a mockery of are language and leading to a future where business letters are written as if they were a 15-year-old's text message about Hillary Duff (I obviously have no clue about what kids are into these days... Is Coolio still cool?). Is it so hard to to type full words? I guess those few seconds it would take to type four extra letters are probably better spent yapping on a phone in every conceivable public setting, or walking through doors and then letting them slam in the faces of those behind you.
To further blow this entire issue out of proportion, I would also like to dig deeper into the nature of "LOL." For those of you who find such a combination of letters foreign (lucky folks), it stands for Laughing Out Loud. I'm concerned with this abbreviation not just due to the laziness of shortening the phrase into a 21st Century cliche, but also due to the fact that I think it's breeding dishonesty. I have reason to believe that a great amount of people use "LOL" for situations other than when a spark of hilarity strikes them in such a fashion as to prompt a vocalization of laughter. In fact, I believe "LOL" has been used even in cases that warrant a simple polite smile.
I don't ask for much when it comes to this issue... all I request is that "LOL" be banished and people fully describe their reactions in events that would previously have drawn the "LOL" response. Suppose a friend makes a comment that isn't nearly as funny as they think and you just want to move on, but you know they're looking for a response from you. Instead of igniting the flames of dishonestly with "LOL," you simply type "smiling uneasily while trying to think of a way to change the subject." I think it makes perfect sense.

Concerning the sports world...
Football (K-State, Kansas City, fantasy, and all other forms) - Ugh... Any season in which K-State is struggling to be bowl eligible, KU is a national title contender, Kansas City can be ruled out of games in which the opponent scores in double-digits and my fantasy teams win as often as an arithmetically challenged individual in blackjack is a football season that results in borderline depression in my world.
Basketball - This has been discussed in this space before, but Michael Beasley is good... Very good... Potential No. 1 draft pick good. Current concerns about his "supporting cast" will be noted, but I think will be resolved shortly. It's only natural that the meshing of several new players and a new coach might take some time. It seems that the Wildcats have been playing to the level of their competition thus far. Granted, the true test of that will come this week in Orlando, but look for K-State to make some noise while in Mickey Mouse's neighborhood.
Baseball - The Royals have been mentioned as a player in the Torii Hunter sweepstakes. Granted, I wouldn't bet my bottom dollar (partially because I don't know exactly what that phrase is referring to) that he ends up patrolling centerfield in Kauffman Stadium, but the simple fact that they're even considered an option for a top free agent like Hunter means they're climbing out of the pit I like to call the Neifi-zone.

Final note
The world is officially going insane - http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22761386-2,00.html.
Taking away an icon's long-standing signature phrase because it bears similarities to some current American slang seems far beyond absurd. On top of that, I've never found Santa Claus to be "funny ha-ha," anyway.

Crow - It's What's For Dinner

I was recently reminded that, in this very space, I had predicted the Royals’ new manager would have ties to the Atlanta Braves organization, of which general manager Dayton Moore is a product. Naturally, I was wrong. Trey Hillman, the Royals’ new skipper, has never been a part of the tomahawk choppers, and is currently managing a team across the Pacific in Japan.

Luckily, in my years of possessing the seemingly competent mind required make predictions, I have missed the mark as often as a vertigo sufferer playing “Pin the Tail on the Donkey.” As a result, being wrong on such predictions does little to faze me. I’m comfortable admitting my inaccuracies, or “eating crow.” Need examples? Read on…

Dajuan Wagner – Future Star
Back in 2002, with the NBA Draft quickly approaching, I had one overriding opinion. No, it didn’t concern top pick Yao Ming out-producing the immortal Shawn Bradley, and I certainly didn’t predict that former Kansas Jayhawk Drew Gooden would one day sport one of the most puzzling haircuts in the Association (I probably just failed to think that one through). No, as a 19-year-old, going on 20, Derek Larson was sold on the fact that any team that chose not to draft Memphis product Dajuan Wagner would rue the day. The kid had scored 100 points in a high school game a year earlier, had been a solid scorer in his lone season at Memphis, and I thought he seemed like another Allen Iverson… I was wrong.

Instead of becoming an All-Star, Wagner’s career was limited by health issues, never playing more than 47 games in a season or averaging over 13.4 points per game. I guess predicting superstardom is a rosier outlook than guessing a player will have ulcerative colitis, but the fact remains that I was wrong,

Dante Hall – Worst Player Ever
With the 24th pick in the fifth round of the 2000 draft, the Kansas City Chiefs drafted Dante Hall out of Texas A&M. Expected to the Chiefs’ new return specialist, Hall’s first two seasons in KC saw the former Aggie doing more dancing than a leprechaun at its pot of gold (please note: all documented research indicates that magical leprechauns do not actually exist. The previous illustration was written for entertainment purposes only). Hall’s needlessly convoluted juking had me convinced he had no right even being on the field. I was convinced the Chiefs would be better off with anyone else back deep for kicks… I was wrong.

Former Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil saw something in Hall, and committed to him as the Chiefs return man. End result, Hall became the most feared return man in the league over a three-season span, scoring 10 return touchdowns in that time. Hall was a big reason the Chiefs were able to win 13 games in 2003, and his departure from the Chiefs has left a void in the return game.

Kansas City Royals – Pennant Material
Following a big year in 2003, things were looking up for the Royals. They were coming off a season during which they had been in first place for a considerable amount of time and finished with a record above .500 for the first time since 1994. The off-season saw them pick up a former MVP in Juan Gonzalez and a former All-Star catcher in Benito Santiago. They had the American League Rookie of the Year in Angel Berroa, and Manager of the Year in Tony Pena. It seemed things were really going their way. I don’t recall whether I made any sort of “official” prediction for the 2004 Royals, but I know I expected them to compete for the A.L. Central title, and maybe even the A.L. pennant… (Sing along if you like)… I was wrong.

Gonzalez and Santiago combined to play 82 games for the Royals (and under-performed when they played), and Mr. Rookie of the Year put up an OPS below .700 (whether or not you know what OPS is, just understand that Berroa was bad). Pena’s antics began wearing thin, and the Royals lost a then-franchise-worst 104 games. If a marksman were as inaccurate as I was with this prediction, his friends would be spending quite a bit of cash on Kevlar.


… As for the most recent example…
Concerning the Royals’ hiring of Hillman, I like it. He may not have proven MLB managerial experience, but he spent some time in a Yankees organization that had a lot of success. In Japan, he’s taken a struggling team and helped it reach the Japan Series (for those who may be confused, that’s the Japanese equivalent of the World Series… tough concept, I know) two years in a row. From what I’ve read, he’s adept at examining a roster and managing in efforts to take advantage of its strengths – quite a novel concept, isn’t it?

Thoughts in My Head

Concerning the NFL…
-Has there been a more impressive NFL team than the 2007 New England Patriots (aside from those created in the world of Nintendo, Xbox or Playstation) in recent years? The Cowboys were supposed to give them a test, but the boys from Foxboro rolled over them like a sumo wrestler falling down a hill. It’s sad that Randy Moss has to have things his way in order to actually put forth effort on the football field, but I think Tom Brady is pretty glad that Moss is a happy camper right now.
-News from Kansas City – I hear Damon Huard is going to buy Tony Gonzalez a matching bracelet to complete the BFF necklace set.
-Thanks to bye weeks and injuries, one of my fantasy football teams (yes, I’m in more than one fantasy football league… yes, I realize that takes my “Do you have a life?” score down considerably) had Michael Turner and Leon Washington starting at runningback this past weekend. Believe it or not, that team did not pull out a victory.

Concerning the title of this post...
I realize it's a lazy attempt, as it's a blantantly obvious statement... But does the fact that I'm stating something blatantly obvious really surprise you?

A quick thing I don’t understand…
-When watching a televised football game, have you ever heard something like this, “Joey Jojo Shabadoo will not play today. He’s out with a knee”? Out with a knee? I wouldn’t think that the mere possession of a body part could cause a player to miss a game. In fact, it seems to me that most athlete’s I see have not only one, but two knees. Naturally, the announcers that say statements similar to the aforementioned one are referring to knee INJURIES, but is it that hard to add the word “injury” on to the end of that sentence? It’s only one word. It’s just three little syllables. In fact, the lazier folks could even abridge the word to a two-syllable creation, “inj-REE.” It’s really just not that difficult.

Concerning the K-State basketball team’s “Madness in Manhattan”…
-Michael Beasley- What can be said about this kid? He’s a basketball player. He has talent, and he, along with anyone that sees him play, knows it. The 6-foot-9 freshman is built big enough that he could play down low, but he has the skill set that could let him dominate on the perimeter. His outside stroke is fluid and he may handle the ball as well as anyone on last season’s roster. The between-the-legs dunk, straight out of Isaiah Rider’s playbook was nice, too. Big 12, meet a major match up problem.
-Bill Walker- Any worries I may have had about Walker’s knee and subsequent weight gain diminished greatly after watching him scrimmage. Granted, the concept of defense was largely ignored (like efficiency in the KC Chiefs’ offense… Ouch, sorry. Still sore after last week’s loss), but Walker showed the type of explosiveness showcased in all those YouTube videos. It’s clear; he’s got some a-Bill-ity (two can play at your game, coiners of the term Vin-sanity (for those that have no clue what I'm referring to... i'm sure it's not the first time). One intriguing play in particular involved Walker executing a Jordan-style, one-hand ball fake from the top of the key, penetrating to the left, exploding toward the hoop, and them hammering the ball through with a force that could have been felt on the opposite end of the floor. Another came when Walker was on the finishing end of a Beasley underhand alley-oop toss… Did I mention Beasley was about at mid-court when he threw it?
-David Hoskins- K-State fans know what to expect from Hoskins: strong work ethic, ability to play larger than his size would seem to dictate, and energy. With defenses forced to focus on Beasley and Walker, Hoskins should be in line for another strong season.
-The Rest- If Blake Young can stay healthy and play with the athleticism he showed during the scrimmage for the whole season, he could be a big factor. Aside from Beasley, he drew the most crowd buzz during the pre-scrimmage “lay-up lines.” It seems clear that he’s not a point guard, but he could make an impact at the two, with Clent Stewart, Fred Brown, and Jacob Pullen handling the point. Speaking of Brown and Pullen, both looked solid, and will fit in with the overall athleticism of the team. Looking for a surprise off the pine? Darren Kent may be your guy. He looked like a new player, showing off newfound athleticism (e.g., ability to drive and dunk) to accompany his smooth shooting stroke. On the opposite end of that spectrum was Ron Anderson; against whom the rim did it’s best Dikembe Mutombo impersonation. Despite that fact, this will be the most athletic Wildcat team to ever see the Bramlage Coliseum court.
-The Atmosphere- Despite having the top recruit in the nation, the crowd was much smaller than last year. The reason for the attendance dip is pretty obvious… the fans miss Serge Afeli. As for the pyrotechnics, unless they’re accompanying the entrance of someone nicknamed “The Big Red Machine,” or a former member of Harlem Heat, they probably should be used indoors. The smell left lingering after such explosions is not a pleasant one… And, no, I certainly don’t watch professional wrestling.

Concerning baseball…
- (This space intentionally left blank at the request of one of the four people who reads these. He’s as into baseball as a certain football coach to the east is into nonfat yogurt.)

Thoughts on the World of Sports

I have to admit something… The title of the written selection via electronic medium is a complete fallacy. Don’t get me wrong, you will read my thoughts… but they certainly don’t cover “the world” of sports. Athletic competitions popular overseas, like cricket (which doesn’t even involve actual crickets), soccer (a.k.a. human foosball) or rugby (a.k.a. self mutilation with a ball thrown in), will not be mentioned. In all honesty, several popular issues in American sports will also be neglected (sorry WNBA… Wait, I said “popular issues,”… Sorry again). Anyway, enough of will not be written about (NASCAR, boxing, equestrian and competitive dancing), on to the thoughts.

... and the worst coach in the NFL is… Norv Turner

So, A.J. Smith, does your former coach, Marty Schottenheimer, look so rotten now? Granted, the Chargers did blow it in the playoffs last season after finishing with a 14-2 record, but through four games, the Chargers have already lost three this season. Does a rough start to the season mean they guy is a horrible coach? No… It is what I saw Sunday against the Chiefs that means the man is a horrible coach.

If you didn’t have an opportunity to see the game, the Chargers had control early, with LaDanian Tomlinson (just the best running back in the league) evading the defense as if he was Pacman and the Chiefs were some odd-looking ghosts. Tomlinson had struggled greatly in the Chargers first three games, so a person with any sort of knowledge about football might have considered continuing to feed the ball to Tomlinson in the second half, in effort to hold on to a 10-point edge.

Instead, the Chargers attempted to attack the Chiefs through the air, something quarterback Philip Rivers hasn’t had great success doing this season (believe me, I have him on two fantasy football teams). Rivers threw a pair of interceptions, and had a fumble that was returned for a touchdown. Apparently Tomlinson is better carrying the ball than he is as a decoy. That sure is a crazy notion.

Concerning the Chiefs…

They have two wins in the first four games… How the heck did that happen? I’m still waiting to see Tony Gonzalez’s BFF pendant that Damon Huard surely has bought him, especially considering the prayer of a throw that TG hauled in for a touchdown yesterday. I only hope that Gonzo doesn’t get jealous of Dwayne Bowe, who is earning the title of BFF#2 for Huard. I’m not sure how he’s getting it done, but Bowe is turning into a touchdown machine and legit playmaker for Kansas City. I’m not sure what “it” is when it comes to the qualities that top-tier NFL receivers have, but, after four games in the red, it seems that Bowe is closer to having “it” than any KC receiver since Andre Rison and his Spiderman act… Now he just needs a female hip-hop artist to burn down his house (confused? See http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_n8_v86/ai_15547822. I love referring to things from 13 years ago).

The Bell Era Ends

It is over.

Buddy Bell has managed his final game as a Kansas City Royal.

With his departure, and the arrival of a new manager, what can the Royals expect? Consistency in lineups? Willingness to play young players while in a rebuilding process? A refusal to let a player batting under .150 play in over one-third of the team’s games? Anything is possible…

This could be a very big off-season for the Royals. A few moves that work out half as well as the trade for Brian Bannister last off-season, then KC will be in good shape. 2008 could actually be the year the Royals approach that mid-division finish I’ve been predicting the last three years.

As for the sliver of an inkling of a rumor that Barry Bonds might be headed to KC… no. Just say no. It makes no sense to bring an over-the-hill, egocentric player into a clubhouse filled with young players. He’d be the best hitter on the team, sure. I won’t argue with that, but this won’t happen.

My predictions are normally correct as often as my attempts in a Chinese spelling bee (“Uhh… that letter that looks like a tree in a box?”), but I’ll still lay down a few for the upcoming months… David DeJesus or Joey Gathright will be traded in a deal for a starting pitcher. The Royals will deal for a young player with power to play left field. Someone with ties to the Atlanta Braves organization will be hired as manager. Finally, Jason LaRue will be back in the Royals clubhouse. He won’t be employed, mind you, but he’ll be back to keep Buddy company in whatever role he holds.

Hooked Horns

Watching K-State manhandle the Texas Longhorns was oddly reminiscent of some Wildcat teams of former years. The kick and punt returners are legitimate threats to make plays every time (Aaron Lockett and David Allen then, Deon Murphy, James Johnson and Jordy Nelson now). The defense has speed everywhere, and can pressure opponents into mistakes (see K-State defenses from 1996-2003). The offense achieves success off a basic formula (Bishop/Roberson years used the option, 2007 Wildcats build off short passes).

Am I saying the Wildcats are back to being the force that we grew accustomed to in the late 90s/early 00s ? That’s a bit presumptuous. Have I been impressed by their play and pleased by the way they have exceeded my expectations? Absolutely.
The key is going to be not suffering a drop off in performance with the Jayhawks coming to Bill Snyder Family Stadium on Saturday.

Random Thoughts from a Random Mind

Who exactly determines whether or not someone is awarded style points? Is there some sort of official council? And what good are these style points? Can you buy things with them?

So the Chiefs spend a 5th-round draft pick on kicker Justin Medlock, and then cut him after one game? Who do they sign to replace him? Dave Rayner, who happened to lose the competition to be Green Bay’s kicker. Who did Rayner lose out to? Former Colorado Buffalo Mason Crosby, whom the Chiefs could have drafted instead of Medlock in the first place. What does this all mean? I think it’s probably just another sign of a potentially long season.

So Willie Wildcat is a New England Patriots fan? At Saturday’s game, the opening “skit” involved the premise of Willie’s summer vacation. It included green-screened pictures of the K-State mascot superimposed in places like sandy beaches, colorful mountain ranges, and even the moon (I guess I missed the “First Mascot to the Moon” headline in the newspaper). Seemingly out of place among all these actual locations was a picture of Willie in front of a black background, with just a Patriots logo on it. Apparently he is a big Randy Moss fan… That or he has yet to realize that the Pats cut former K-Stater Chris Canty years ago.

Is it sad that I was excited by a commercial for the television show “The Unit” simply because star Dennis Haysbert has gone back to his “Pedro Cerrano” look? I’ve never even watched the show, but I can only hope it involves him saying, “Hats for bats. Keep bats warm.”… Yes, I realize only two other people may have any clue what I’m referring to.

Is K-State football coach Ron Prince a WWE fan? The 2007 K-State football pregame features music that includes the theme songs of Shelton Benjamin, Scotty Too Hotty, and John Cena. I’m now hoping the ‘cats will starting taking the field to the ominous sounds of The Undertaker’s music… Wait, I mean, I’ve never watched wrestling. I wouldn’t know what any of those songs sound like.

Congratulations to Jordy Nelson for re-writing a couple K-State single-game receiving records. Not bad for a former safety who was so deep on the depth chart his red-shirt freshman year that there could have been a lifeguard on duty.

If there’s one commercial I’m ready to quit seeing, it’s the one advertising the Blue Man Group’s upcoming performance at the Expocentre. If Tobias Funke is not involved, I’m not interested.

This short (for Derek) collection of thoughts will end with the depressing NFL fact of the week. The Cleveland Browns scored 51 points on Sunday. In comparison, the Chiefs have scored 45 points… so far this season… Did I mention that includes the four preseason games they played in?

Sorry for the short entry, but I’m off to find some antidepressants.

A Listing Impression

The recent announcement of Damon Huard as the starting quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs was not a much-anticipated event in my household (is that the right term for a single guy in an apartment? Apartmenthold? Bachelor pad... hold?). In all actuality, it has brought forth a somewhat crippling depression, which may take weeks to recover from. Nevertheless, I am opposed to pessimistic tendencies, and therefore refuse to focus on negatives.

As a result, I decided to come up with a list of things that I have less confidence in than a Huard-led NFL team. With my mind in “list-mode,” and rankings becoming the rage these days (watch for Best Damn Sports Show’s Top 50 Inane Comments By Best Damn Sports Show Personalities, coming soon on Fox Sports), I went ahead and came up with some other lists, as well.

Please keep in mind that all lists were compiled by a top-notch staff (rabid muskrats wearing eye-patches) using the most sophisticated methods modern technology can offer (a pre-owned game of Connect Four). On to the lists…

Five things I have less confidence in that a Huard-led NFL team
5. Buddy Bell’s ability to make sensible managerial decisions on consecutive days.
(Ooh, cheap shot. I know Buddy’s resigning at the end of the season. Sorry, but the fact that Tony Pena Jr., was used as a pinch hitter two nights ago boggles my mind.)
4. My ability to flip through four national news channels without seeing a story on one of Oscar’s Ladies.
(If you’re confused by the Oscar’s Ladies term, please refer to previous blog entry.)
3. Jim Ross’ ability to get through an entire WWE broadcast without saying, “With God as my witness, he’s been broken in half!”
(… I mean, no, I’ve never spent any time watching pro wrestling.)
2. My ability to successfully maneuver a starship primarily used for smuggling through an asteroid field.
(A little Star Wars reference for two of the four people that read this. According to a certain gold-colored protocol druid, the actual odds of such a feat are 3,720 to 1… I’m glad I’m not a negative person.)
1.A Josh McCown-led NFL team.
(McCown is currently set to be the Oakland Raiders starting QB. See, things could be worse.)

Four least favorite Royals players of all time
4. Albie Lopez
(Plenty of things went right for KC in 2003… he wasn’t one of them. I’ve never had less confidence in a pitcher coming out of the bullpen. His 12.71 ERA may have had something to do with that.)
3. David Howard
(A reserve infield that couldn’t hit, couldn’t field, but had an uncanny knack for chewing tobacco. For some reason the Royals thought he could be their starting SS in 1996… he hit .219 for the season.)
2. Chuck Knoblauch
(The once-promising second-baseman followed up a sub par year in New York by racking up a .584 OPS (those of you unfamiliar with OPS, just beware that .584 is horrid) out of the Royals’ leadoff spot.)
1.Neifi Perez
(For Jermaine Dye? Honestly? I think that trade shortened my life…)

Three favorite moments from HBO’s Hard Knocks 2007
3. Any time Gunther Cunningham spoke.
(Sensitivity is definitely not one of his strong suits. He should probably be mic’d up for every single game…. Granted, games would then be rated M for mature, but who can argue with entertainment?)
2. Bernard Pollard’s dancing exhibition.
(I was fully expecting a member of the Chiefs roster to miss the next game due to a “getting served” injury (and if you haven’t seen that South Park episode, you have no idea what I’m referring to… I’m comfortable with that).)
1. Casey Printers’ reaction to getting cut.
(I wasn’t for Printers’ getting cut. I enjoyed watching him in the pre-season (aside from the botched snaps) and was pulling for him to make the squad. Nevertheless, his “Making chicken salad out of chickens***” reference nearly had me rolling on the floor. I just hope the Chiefs have some chicken salad ready for Sunday.)

Two things I really don’t understand right now
2. The NFL kicking off it’s Thursday night season opening game with the musical stylings of… Faith Hill? Is she attractive? Yes. Does her music echo from the ipod of the typical football fan? I’d lean toward the negative on that one. Next thing you know, the NFL will have Aerosmith, N’Sync, and Britney Spears perform at halftime of the Super Bowl… oh, wait…)
1. This – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-A-05wPlQQ4
(Honestly, I really can’t put my lack of understanding into coherent sentences. I’ve tried, but it all comes out in pops and buzzes. The “K – STATE” chant could work, but that is sans the video, music, and the Tarzan jungle yell.)

One Thing I know for sure
1. Despite any attempts at creating “new traditions, the Wildcats should roll over San Jose State this Saturday. Granted, my predictions are always horribly inaccurate (like an archer with glaucoma) but that’s never stopped me before. Cats win 41-10.