I have two TVs hooked up just feet from each other in my apartment.
Such an idea may bring some sort of flashy set-up, the likes of which a professional athlete or a rapper might have, complete with a Scarface poster on the wall. I assure you, such is not the case. My secondary television (TV2, as it’s affectionately referred to in the DLBP (Derek Larson bachelor pad)) is a tiny 13-incher that may be as old as the freshmen preparing to attend K-State next week, and has a few quirks to it, as well (occasionally it doesn't turn off... big deal).
Despite it’s inadequacies, TV2 makes nights like tonight wonderful. The Kansas City Chiefs are seeing pre-season action on ESPN, while the Royals will battle the Rangers on RSTN. No channel flipping here, as I can now view both at the same time… and because I’m no slacker when it comes to pointless multi-tasking, I’m going to log the events of the evening, as well (and blatantly rip off a Bill Simmons idea in the process)… Sometimes I even amaze myself.
7:08 – Former Chief Trent Green starts out 0-2 passing, tossing one pass too short, and having the second dropped by his tight end… Missing Tony Gonzalez yet, Trent? Actually, despite his wearing of the uniform brought to fame by Ray Finkel, I hope Green plays well tonight. It’s hard to root against a guy who is probably the second-greatest QB in Chiefs history.
The third-down conversion is not successful, and the Dolphins punter gets some work… Get used to hearing that phrase this season, Miami fans.
7:11 – After looking inept on a play in which he was sacked, QB Damon Huard finds the aforementioned Gonzalez for a first-down… Huard and competitor for the starting spot
Brodie Croyle should probably both buy Gonzalez BFF pendants.
7:14 – Chiefs rookie kicker Justin Medlock misses his first field goal attempt in Arrowhead Stadium… meanwhile, Herman Edwards must be wondering if Morten Andersen has plans for the next few months.
7:17 – ESPN shows the replay of the hit Green suffered his concussion on last season. Yikes. I still think that should have a parental warning before it.
7:20 – My second-round fantasy pick in one of my three fantasy football leagues, Ronnie Brown, has picked up the last 3 first downs for Miami. Normally, this would provide me some comfort knowing he’s looking good for the upcoming season, but I just realized I am in three fantasy football leagues… I think they may have support groups for people like me.
7:29 – I realize that all may recent writings have focused on things I watch on TV… I do other things, too… I swear… I work, I socialize… I even went grocery shopping earlier tonight…
7:32 – Huard has runningback Michael Bennett open in the flat on third down, but tosses the ball over his head… meanwhile, Herman Edwards may be searching for Rich Gannon’s phone number.
7:34 – Cleo Lemon steps in at quarterback for Miami, and thoughts of a dessert made by a TV card-reading fortuneteller spring to my mind. “Call me now for this wonderful recipe.”
7:36 – I realize it’s hard to convey a Jamaican accent via a written medium.
7:37 – The Royals game has now begun, with Esteban German leading off for KC… I love you, TV2.
7:41 – Dolphins kicker Jay Feely gives the fish (I know, they’re mammals… back off) a 3-0 lead. Does this mean the Chiefs’ offense is more feeble than the Dolphins’… oh dear.
7:44 – Two TVs, two commercial breaks at the same time. Don’t TV programmers realize forcing me to think for myself is dangerous?
7:45 – I wonder how many grapes I can fit in my mouth at once…
7:46 – Whew, the glory of televised competition has returned to both screens… Take it easy, brain.
7:48 – Damon Huard just threw a pass after crossing the line of scrimmage by a good three yards. Maybe Brodie Croyle should come down with a “stomach virus” so he can win the QB job by default.
7:51 – Mark Grudzielanek makes an eye-catching diving stop to retire a Ranger batter. He’s definitely the best second-baseman with 12-letters in his last name that the Royals have ever had.
7:57 – So far tonight, the Royals have outscored the Chiefs 1-0… If the Royals are still ahead at the end of the night, I may be worried.
7:58 – Lemon takes the lead in the “worst pass of the night” category, missing his intended target by a good 10 yards. With Croyle’s whirling-dervish interception from last week replaying in my head, I certainly won’t go as far as to say that he has the award locked up.
8:05 – Croyle starts his effort with three consecutive completions. Meanwhile, Herman Edwards may be praying that the young Alabaman doesn’t thrown an interception, so that he can name Croyle as the starter and handcuff a clipboard to Huard’s wrist.
8:08 – Chiefs receiver Chris Hannon jukes his way into the endzone, giving the Chiefs a significant edge over the Royals… Thank you.
8:11 – Former Riley County Falcon and K-State Wildcat Jon McGraw comes up with a special teams tackle and does not showboat, showing the superior character that often results from learning at both aforementioned academic institutions… I am certainly not above shameless plugs for my alma maters.
8:14 – After the Chiefs recover a Miami fumble and earn the opportunity to take a bigger lead, Croyle tosses and interception as the result of a horrible read in zone coverage…. Meanwhile, Steve DeBerg may be pondering whether his Tecmo Super Bowl-famed self has what it takes to make a comeback to the league.
8:24 – The Chiefs head to halftime ahead 7-3 before Stu Scott updates us on the latest in the Michael Vick saga… Did you know he was allegedly involved in some sort of dog-fighting ring? Apparently people are really upset about it, too. Yet another under-the-radar story, just like anything involving Paris Hilton, Britney Spears or Lindsey Lohan (I think I have less respect for myself for the mere mention of their names. Because of the acting prowess they show in the world of film, they’re now referred to as “Oscar’s Ladies”).
8:31 – I worry about the difficulty of conveying sarcasm via written medium before remembering that the posterior portion of the parenthetical statement from the previous timeframe is simply too ludicrous to be taken seriously.
8:32 – Baby-faced pitcher Leo Nunez gets Sammy “remember when you liked me in 1998” Sosa to fly out with two runners on to end the third inning. Nunez looks young enough to be pitching in the Little League World Series.
8:37 – I realize it’s pretty ridiculous for one to be talking about how young someone looks when the speaker has personally had his ID checked when purchasing an R-rated movie in the past calendar year… Did I mention I’m nearly 25?
8:40 – It looks like my evening may have just gotten a little longer, as the clouds in the Arlington area have decided burst forth with more moisture than the collective sweat glands at an overweight-and-hairy-nervous-guy convention in an Arizona facility lacking air conditioning. Needless to say, the game has been delayed.
8:41 – I realize that the aforementioned, hypothetical convention is one of the oddest situations I’ve ever typed out.
8:55 – I search for an adequate TV2 fill-in for the delayed-Royals game. The rerun of ‘Royals Insider’ that I’ve already seen just isn’t cutting it…. I swear, I do things other than watch TV… I read. Honestly, I do.
9:00 – Interviewed on the sidelines, Gonzalez says the Chiefs’ coaches will pick the QB that is “consistent and doesn’t turn the ball over.”… I check www.kcchiefs.com to see if the Chiefs have signed John Stockton or Jason Kidd to take snaps.
9:04 – Casey Printers is now at QB for KC, and the announcers speak of his main problem… fumbling snaps from the center. In the meantime, Printers looks sharp making athletic plays, and leading the offense to a potential field goal… I ponder how complicated it would be for a runningback to take snaps and then pitch the ball to Printers each down.
9:08 – Medlock misses his second field goal of the evening, a 38-yarder. As a result, I begin pondering whether Kathy Ireland really learned how to kick field goals for her “Necessary Roughness” role.
9:13 – The rain has subsided and the Royals are back on the field. On cue, a 6-4-3 double play ends the inning… I wonder if Grudzielanek could throw a football like that?
9:19 – Medlock lines up for a 34-yarder… IT’S GOOD!!! With that, the equipment manager on the sidelines sets his “ACME Jersey Name Unstitching Kit” back down.
9:26 – A Dolphin receiver makes an impressive one-handed catch, but the announcers are to wrapped up in a Vick conversation to acknowledge it… sigh… Meanwhile, on TV2, Ranger batter Frank Catalanotto strikes out and slams his bat against the ground… this is replayed three times.
9:30 – A Sportscenter commercial asks if the Vick case is overshadowing the NFL… As a former member of the media, I am aware that the media controls what you see/hear, and what stories become big (see Oscar’s Ladies). Honestly, it’s not a difficult concept. In reality, the commercial should say, “Is the Vick case overshadowing the NFL? Yes, because we’re shoving it down your gullets! Take that, suckers!”
9:37 – I know he’s competing against a bunch of guys that may not have jobs in a couple weeks (e.g., Miami’s 4th-string defense), but Printers looks sharp at QB… and he’s successfully received every snap. This kid may be going places.
9:39 – In a random crowd shot, an RSTN camera focuses on three cute college-age ladies in the Arlington crowd. If I had an award for cameraman of the night, the guy who shot that would get it.
9:40 – I try to figure out where in this world I would ever attain a Cameraman of the Night award to pass along at my own whim.
9:45 – Miami leads KC 11-10 with 16 seconds left, and Miami punting. As the Dolphins punt, Ron Jaworski says playing Huard at QB gives the Chiefs the best opportunity to win right now… The BEST chance to win? I contemplate whether I’d be able to survive a 0-16 season.
9:50 – Printers’ final Hail Mary heave falls incomplete, but he finishes the night 8-10 passing… A wave of depression falls over me, as I realize I currently enjoy watching the Chiefs’ third-string, no-chance-of-starting, quarterback more than the collective Bramon Cruard.
10:02 – Alex Gordon clears the right-field wall to tie the game at 2. With all the negativity that Chiefs’ game brought out, I realize I should probably end this thing on a high note, and the former-Husker probably just provided the perfect opportunity (I also realized I’m getting old, and I want to wind down the evening without a laptop resting on my thigh).
In closing, the Chiefs obviously have work to do, but I really don’t think they’ll go 0-16. The QB situation isn’t ideal in my world, but I also don’t earn millions of dollars for my decisions concerning the gridiron.
… Oh yeah, and I do other things…. Honestly!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Stating the Obvious – Observations while watching RSTN
An examination of this collection of writings shows that it has been much too long since the Kansas City Royals have been a topic of discussion. Such omission is simply inexcusable, as I’ve yet to comment on the sweet swing of Billy Butler, or the bullpen that has turned into a team strength. Tonight, we fix that. Thanks to the wonder of television, we’ll hit the high points as the game goes along.
Royals vs. Yankees, July 25, 2007
Pregame – Big news regarding now ex-Royal Scott Elarton (… wait, it felt really good saying that. Let me try again – EX-Royal Scott Elarton… very nice) as he was released earlier today, after getting hit harder last night than most of Mike Tyson’s early opponents. In examining the move, manager Buddy Bell says that it’s hard to let someone go with high character like Elarton. I know a lot of people with high character… they haven’t been signed to big-league contracts.
Tonight, Gil Meche takes the mound for KC - a team needing a good showing on the mound, after Elarton’s hitting tee impersonation on Tuesday.
Top of the 1st – A pair of runners on base for Alex Rodriguez… not exactly an ideal first-inning situation. Rodriguez hears a chorus of boos on his way to the plate… I guess there must be several Yankee fans in attendance. Rodriguez has 34 home runs. The Royals’ team record for homers in a season is 36… Did I mention it’s July? Fortunately, the best shortstop-playing-third-base in the majors doesn’t get his fly ball out of the infield – two down. A fly-out by Hideki Matsui (a.k.a., Godzilla) ends the threat.
Mid-1st, VH1 – What’cha gonna do when Hulk Hogan heats up leftovers, brotha? Now he’s attempting poetry… After watching Idiocracy earlier this evening, I’m glad the Hulkster could fill my culture quotient.
Bottom of the 1st – Former-Royal Johnny Damon stands in left field for the Yankees. Damon is widely known for having one of the worst outfield arms in the league. In simple terms, the Royals should put up a big traffic light that turns green any time a ball is hit Damon’s direction. In other news, the Royals go down 1-2-3.
Top 2nd – A clip prior to the first batter of the inning advertises the Royals’ new all-you-can-eat seats, showing a man wearing a Calvin Pickering jersey heading toward the concession. Pickering was an overweight first-baseman who could never make it for the Royals… Is there irony in this advertisement?
RANDOM TANGENT REGARDING OBSCURE JERSEYS
A social outing last night resulted in the observation of a guy in his 20s wearing a J.J. Stokes jersey… in public. For those unaware, Stokes was a wide receiver out of UCLA that was hyped to be a future star and the new John Taylor to play opposite Jerry Rice in San Francisco. This was in 1995, and the hype lasted a few seasons, when people realized that being tall doesn’t mean you will be a good NFL receiver. Stokes last played for the 49ers in 2002… so this guy must be hoping for a big-time comeback from the former Bruin… keep waiting.
D’oh… a Melky “don’t call me Milky, I wasn’t in Me, Myself and Irene” Cabrera homer puts the Yanks up 2-0.
Bottom 2nd – A phone call discussing some of the Little Apple’s finest eating establishments of all time (yo queiro Amigos) distracts the author from his writing for a bit, but such subject cannot be tabled once brought up. A pair of Royal runners is stranded when John Buck flies out to deep left field… Stupid lack of wind.
Top 3rd – Either Meche has turned into a street corner human-statue act, or RSTN is experiencing technical difficulties. We’re back to seeing actual live movement (always a good thing in a broadcast sporting event) just in time to see a smooth double-play by Esteban German and Tony Pena, Jr. German may get knocked for his defense at 2B, but his backhand flip there was highlight-worthy. He certainly doesn’t make me long for the Jed Hansen days.
Bottom 3rd – Former third-baseman-now-rightfielder-but-occasional-first-baseman-or-centerfielder Mark Teahen is at the plate, with two out and German on first. He flies out to Abreu in rightfield, obviously just trying to remind himself of where he needs to go play when the Royals are back on defense.
Top 4th – Oh boy, it’s time for the Aflac duck to ask a question, which Paul Splittorff and Bob Davis promptly try to spoil by tossing out all their guesses for the solution. Would Alex Trebek ever toss out possible answers-in-the-form-of-questions on Jeopardy? Give the viewers a chance to think, fellas. Thankfully, they don’t have much time to discuss, as Meche disposes of three Yankee batters in eight pitches.
Bottom 4th – Billy Butler leads off the inning, batting in the cleanup spot. The 21-year-old is well on his way to cementing himself as the best hitter on the roster. Naturally, Butler strikes out this at-bat, because my predictions always backfire. As a result, I decline to comment on the following batter Ross Gload. The result? A double to right-center. Is my rooting the source of all that has plagued the Royals in recent years? I’d consider such an idea more seriously if the image of a lineup with Neifi Perez and Chuck Knoblauch was not imbedded in my mind. Another pair of runners is stranded with Buck at the plate… the Buck stopped there (sorry, I had to meet my bad pun quota).
Top 5th – Paul and Bob were going on and on in pregame about Royals fans being too hard on Elarton, yet they just mentioned that Damon had been to the plate four times by this point in the game last night… Isn’t the mere reference to stats from last night’s contest “being too hard” on Elarton? Meanwhile, Meche tosses another perfect inning.
Mid-5th FOX– Wayne Brady is now hosting “Don’t Forget the Lyrics.” Couldn’t he have just made a series out of his skit on Chappelle’s Show? Or what about the improv with Ryan Stiles? Has that well run dry? Instead he cracks poor jokes while people who shouldn’t make singing a common practice croon Barry Manilow lyrics.
Bottom 5th – A runner on first quickly turns into an inning-ending double play… All while I try to get Mr. Manilow’s lyrics out of my head.
Top 6th – For all the hubbub made of Meche’s contract in the off-season, he’s been a much better value thus far than San Francisco’s $126 million-dollar man, Barry Zito. Naturally, no one could talk of THAT absurd signing in the off-season, because if you mentioned the Giants, you were required to mention any and every word that came out of Barry Bonds’ mouth… Me? Bitter? No…
Ho-hum… Meche feeds on the Yankee batters like a chubby kid eating Oreo pudding at Bonanza.
Bottom 6th – Unfortunately, the KC batters are taking the same route the aforementioned western-themed buffet took in Manhattan. Dropping much too quickly. Gload picks up a two-out double, and outfielder Reggie Sanders follows. Sanders, the subject of multiple trade rumors and veteran currently on his eighth major league squad, singles to score Gload. Somewhere general manager Dayton Moore smiles as the 39-year-old’s trade value increases. A pitching change and an out follow, but the lead has been sliced in half, 2-1.
Between innings – Continued attempts to “Simpsonize” myself are thwarted as the web site is too busy. I just want to get one-step closer to having a Spiderpig… Is that too much to ask?
Top 7th – The natural order of things I root for reminds me that I’ve gotten too cocky regarding Meche’s pitching tonight, as he gives up two hits to start the inning. A sacrifice bunt sees Buck throw out the batter from the seat of his pants… the Buck sits there (I’ll stop, I really will). Melky picks up another RBI before Meche ends the inning. Yanks up, 3-1.
Mid-7th Comedy Central – The South Park episode where the kids get addicted to World of Warcraft is airing. As someone who had heard plenty of the MMORPG (don’t ask) talk while browsing in video game stores, I must laugh at the accuracy of such depictions.
Bottom 7th – Scott Proctor has taken the mound for NY. If he really wants to catch on in the majors, he should start calling himself Lieutenant, and demand that G.W. Harris (a.k.a. Captain Harris) be hired as his pitching coach. After all, we all know that six Police Academy movies were not enough. (NOTE – apparently folks in Hollywood actually believed that, as there was a 7th movie released… thank you for your infinite move wisdom, www.imdb.com).
KC getting runners on first and second leads to Mike Myers (not the Canadian comedian, not the mass murderer, the submarine pitcher) getting the call to the hill. A Teahen fly-out means the Royals have stranded more people than JetBlue tonight (Stating the Obvious – your one-stop shop for timely jokes).
Between innings – Apparently someone named Lindsey Lohan recently got her second DUI… Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either. Thankfully the media never blows things out of proportion.
Top 8th – For the 37th time we’re reminded that Rodriguez and Meche were teammates in Seattle. Meanwhile, I wonder if former Mariner/Royal Mac Suzuki sheds a tear not hearing his name mentioned with his former ‘mates. My pondering notion ends harshly, as Rodriguez wins the battle of the former teammates, pulverizing a baseball beyond the right-centerfield wall. Keep an eye on this Rodriguez kid… I think he may end up making something of himself in this league.
Meche’s night ends, having surrendered five runs, which means his success in the middle innings will be lost in the shuffle. Nevertheless, his outing would look much better if had some semblance of run-support.
Jimmy Gobble faces Mothra’s archenemy, and suffers the same fate as so many extras in the film – a severe crushing. Where in the world is Rodan when you need him?
Looks like Gobble is not the answer tonight, as the Yanks exit the inning with a 7-1 advantage.
Bottom 8th – A number of depressing thoughts drift through my head as I watch Butler and Gload go down to start the inning. The most prominent thought concerns the “kiss of death” I have given Butler by picking him up on both my fantasy baseball teams. I may as well sneak into his locker and replace all his bats with hula-hoops.
Top 9th – The RSTN camera pans to show all the scouts watching KC’s potentially trade-able players… Let’s just say there’s a reason these folks are scouts and not holding roles that are physically demanding. Reliever Octavio Dotel escapes trouble after allowing the first two batters to reach base. The scouts exit upon the end of his appearance. You mean they didn’t come to see reserve shortstop Jason Smith?
Bottom 9th – Mariano Rivera comes on to attempt to close out the 7-1 lead. Luckily, Rivera has never been much in tight situations like this (wow, you can actually FEEL the sarcasm in that sentence). With two outs, Jason Smith makes his name known, dropping a single into left and then swiping second (unopposed). That will show those scouts. The final is 7-1, as David DeJesus ends the game with a roller to first.
My return to Royals writing didn’t turn out to be as rosy as hoped, but I still must stress that the team is headed in the right direction. If the KC offense would end its vow to never give Meche run-support, this game could be completely different. Look for the bats to get going with Kei Igawa and his 6.67 ERA on the mound on Thursday night. And if they don’t? Well, it’s probably my fault.
Royals vs. Yankees, July 25, 2007
Pregame – Big news regarding now ex-Royal Scott Elarton (… wait, it felt really good saying that. Let me try again – EX-Royal Scott Elarton… very nice) as he was released earlier today, after getting hit harder last night than most of Mike Tyson’s early opponents. In examining the move, manager Buddy Bell says that it’s hard to let someone go with high character like Elarton. I know a lot of people with high character… they haven’t been signed to big-league contracts.
Tonight, Gil Meche takes the mound for KC - a team needing a good showing on the mound, after Elarton’s hitting tee impersonation on Tuesday.
Top of the 1st – A pair of runners on base for Alex Rodriguez… not exactly an ideal first-inning situation. Rodriguez hears a chorus of boos on his way to the plate… I guess there must be several Yankee fans in attendance. Rodriguez has 34 home runs. The Royals’ team record for homers in a season is 36… Did I mention it’s July? Fortunately, the best shortstop-playing-third-base in the majors doesn’t get his fly ball out of the infield – two down. A fly-out by Hideki Matsui (a.k.a., Godzilla) ends the threat.
Mid-1st, VH1 – What’cha gonna do when Hulk Hogan heats up leftovers, brotha? Now he’s attempting poetry… After watching Idiocracy earlier this evening, I’m glad the Hulkster could fill my culture quotient.
Bottom of the 1st – Former-Royal Johnny Damon stands in left field for the Yankees. Damon is widely known for having one of the worst outfield arms in the league. In simple terms, the Royals should put up a big traffic light that turns green any time a ball is hit Damon’s direction. In other news, the Royals go down 1-2-3.
Top 2nd – A clip prior to the first batter of the inning advertises the Royals’ new all-you-can-eat seats, showing a man wearing a Calvin Pickering jersey heading toward the concession. Pickering was an overweight first-baseman who could never make it for the Royals… Is there irony in this advertisement?
RANDOM TANGENT REGARDING OBSCURE JERSEYS
A social outing last night resulted in the observation of a guy in his 20s wearing a J.J. Stokes jersey… in public. For those unaware, Stokes was a wide receiver out of UCLA that was hyped to be a future star and the new John Taylor to play opposite Jerry Rice in San Francisco. This was in 1995, and the hype lasted a few seasons, when people realized that being tall doesn’t mean you will be a good NFL receiver. Stokes last played for the 49ers in 2002… so this guy must be hoping for a big-time comeback from the former Bruin… keep waiting.
D’oh… a Melky “don’t call me Milky, I wasn’t in Me, Myself and Irene” Cabrera homer puts the Yanks up 2-0.
Bottom 2nd – A phone call discussing some of the Little Apple’s finest eating establishments of all time (yo queiro Amigos) distracts the author from his writing for a bit, but such subject cannot be tabled once brought up. A pair of Royal runners is stranded when John Buck flies out to deep left field… Stupid lack of wind.
Top 3rd – Either Meche has turned into a street corner human-statue act, or RSTN is experiencing technical difficulties. We’re back to seeing actual live movement (always a good thing in a broadcast sporting event) just in time to see a smooth double-play by Esteban German and Tony Pena, Jr. German may get knocked for his defense at 2B, but his backhand flip there was highlight-worthy. He certainly doesn’t make me long for the Jed Hansen days.
Bottom 3rd – Former third-baseman-now-rightfielder-but-occasional-first-baseman-or-centerfielder Mark Teahen is at the plate, with two out and German on first. He flies out to Abreu in rightfield, obviously just trying to remind himself of where he needs to go play when the Royals are back on defense.
Top 4th – Oh boy, it’s time for the Aflac duck to ask a question, which Paul Splittorff and Bob Davis promptly try to spoil by tossing out all their guesses for the solution. Would Alex Trebek ever toss out possible answers-in-the-form-of-questions on Jeopardy? Give the viewers a chance to think, fellas. Thankfully, they don’t have much time to discuss, as Meche disposes of three Yankee batters in eight pitches.
Bottom 4th – Billy Butler leads off the inning, batting in the cleanup spot. The 21-year-old is well on his way to cementing himself as the best hitter on the roster. Naturally, Butler strikes out this at-bat, because my predictions always backfire. As a result, I decline to comment on the following batter Ross Gload. The result? A double to right-center. Is my rooting the source of all that has plagued the Royals in recent years? I’d consider such an idea more seriously if the image of a lineup with Neifi Perez and Chuck Knoblauch was not imbedded in my mind. Another pair of runners is stranded with Buck at the plate… the Buck stopped there (sorry, I had to meet my bad pun quota).
Top 5th – Paul and Bob were going on and on in pregame about Royals fans being too hard on Elarton, yet they just mentioned that Damon had been to the plate four times by this point in the game last night… Isn’t the mere reference to stats from last night’s contest “being too hard” on Elarton? Meanwhile, Meche tosses another perfect inning.
Mid-5th FOX– Wayne Brady is now hosting “Don’t Forget the Lyrics.” Couldn’t he have just made a series out of his skit on Chappelle’s Show? Or what about the improv with Ryan Stiles? Has that well run dry? Instead he cracks poor jokes while people who shouldn’t make singing a common practice croon Barry Manilow lyrics.
Bottom 5th – A runner on first quickly turns into an inning-ending double play… All while I try to get Mr. Manilow’s lyrics out of my head.
Top 6th – For all the hubbub made of Meche’s contract in the off-season, he’s been a much better value thus far than San Francisco’s $126 million-dollar man, Barry Zito. Naturally, no one could talk of THAT absurd signing in the off-season, because if you mentioned the Giants, you were required to mention any and every word that came out of Barry Bonds’ mouth… Me? Bitter? No…
Ho-hum… Meche feeds on the Yankee batters like a chubby kid eating Oreo pudding at Bonanza.
Bottom 6th – Unfortunately, the KC batters are taking the same route the aforementioned western-themed buffet took in Manhattan. Dropping much too quickly. Gload picks up a two-out double, and outfielder Reggie Sanders follows. Sanders, the subject of multiple trade rumors and veteran currently on his eighth major league squad, singles to score Gload. Somewhere general manager Dayton Moore smiles as the 39-year-old’s trade value increases. A pitching change and an out follow, but the lead has been sliced in half, 2-1.
Between innings – Continued attempts to “Simpsonize” myself are thwarted as the web site is too busy. I just want to get one-step closer to having a Spiderpig… Is that too much to ask?
Top 7th – The natural order of things I root for reminds me that I’ve gotten too cocky regarding Meche’s pitching tonight, as he gives up two hits to start the inning. A sacrifice bunt sees Buck throw out the batter from the seat of his pants… the Buck sits there (I’ll stop, I really will). Melky picks up another RBI before Meche ends the inning. Yanks up, 3-1.
Mid-7th Comedy Central – The South Park episode where the kids get addicted to World of Warcraft is airing. As someone who had heard plenty of the MMORPG (don’t ask) talk while browsing in video game stores, I must laugh at the accuracy of such depictions.
Bottom 7th – Scott Proctor has taken the mound for NY. If he really wants to catch on in the majors, he should start calling himself Lieutenant, and demand that G.W. Harris (a.k.a. Captain Harris) be hired as his pitching coach. After all, we all know that six Police Academy movies were not enough. (NOTE – apparently folks in Hollywood actually believed that, as there was a 7th movie released… thank you for your infinite move wisdom, www.imdb.com).
KC getting runners on first and second leads to Mike Myers (not the Canadian comedian, not the mass murderer, the submarine pitcher) getting the call to the hill. A Teahen fly-out means the Royals have stranded more people than JetBlue tonight (Stating the Obvious – your one-stop shop for timely jokes).
Between innings – Apparently someone named Lindsey Lohan recently got her second DUI… Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either. Thankfully the media never blows things out of proportion.
Top 8th – For the 37th time we’re reminded that Rodriguez and Meche were teammates in Seattle. Meanwhile, I wonder if former Mariner/Royal Mac Suzuki sheds a tear not hearing his name mentioned with his former ‘mates. My pondering notion ends harshly, as Rodriguez wins the battle of the former teammates, pulverizing a baseball beyond the right-centerfield wall. Keep an eye on this Rodriguez kid… I think he may end up making something of himself in this league.
Meche’s night ends, having surrendered five runs, which means his success in the middle innings will be lost in the shuffle. Nevertheless, his outing would look much better if had some semblance of run-support.
Jimmy Gobble faces Mothra’s archenemy, and suffers the same fate as so many extras in the film – a severe crushing. Where in the world is Rodan when you need him?
Looks like Gobble is not the answer tonight, as the Yanks exit the inning with a 7-1 advantage.
Bottom 8th – A number of depressing thoughts drift through my head as I watch Butler and Gload go down to start the inning. The most prominent thought concerns the “kiss of death” I have given Butler by picking him up on both my fantasy baseball teams. I may as well sneak into his locker and replace all his bats with hula-hoops.
Top 9th – The RSTN camera pans to show all the scouts watching KC’s potentially trade-able players… Let’s just say there’s a reason these folks are scouts and not holding roles that are physically demanding. Reliever Octavio Dotel escapes trouble after allowing the first two batters to reach base. The scouts exit upon the end of his appearance. You mean they didn’t come to see reserve shortstop Jason Smith?
Bottom 9th – Mariano Rivera comes on to attempt to close out the 7-1 lead. Luckily, Rivera has never been much in tight situations like this (wow, you can actually FEEL the sarcasm in that sentence). With two outs, Jason Smith makes his name known, dropping a single into left and then swiping second (unopposed). That will show those scouts. The final is 7-1, as David DeJesus ends the game with a roller to first.
My return to Royals writing didn’t turn out to be as rosy as hoped, but I still must stress that the team is headed in the right direction. If the KC offense would end its vow to never give Meche run-support, this game could be completely different. Look for the bats to get going with Kei Igawa and his 6.67 ERA on the mound on Thursday night. And if they don’t? Well, it’s probably my fault.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Things I Don’t Understand – The National sports media
Imagine this scenario: You’re a fan of a small market baseball team that has seen its struggles in recent years, but is now climbing from the depths of obscurity and playing decent baseball. The team in question wins a game that brings them close to escaping the cellar, but said game was not televised. As a fan in this era, where information is at your very fingertips, you might assume you’d be able to see some highlights of the victory by turning into a network that advertises itself as the “Worldwide leader in sports.”
Now, imagine your disappointment when it’s finally time for the recap of the aforementioned game, yet the only “highlights” are three misplayed balls in the outfield by a guy who was playing third base last season.
As is common with most of the “hypothetical” situations used in my prose, such an event happened just weeks ago. Granted, the Royals are not world-beaters, and I don’t expect them to be the lead on Sportscenter, but any team should receive credit when they win.
Currently, I’m watching the Royals play the Red Sox in a scoreless game through two innings. With a win, the Royals would take this series from the American League East leaders. Before picking up my laptop to compose this rant, I was calmly sitting on my couch, thinking how I’d like to see the highlights tonight if the Royals could take their bats to a 212-year old Julian Tavarez. Then I realized, because they’re playing the media-darling Red Sox, even if Odalis Perez fought all laws of pitching aptitude and common sense and tossed a no-hitter, the “highlights” would still probably focus on “Manny (Ramirez) being Manny” as he trotted in the outfield.
As a result, an abundance of issues are swarming in my head, like sportswriters to the guy they know will say something controversial.
The most pressing issue concerns coverage on a national level in general. If you frequent sports programming, odds are you have heard the phrase, “The best player no one has heard of.” The moniker is often given to a good player on a “small market” team. Now, as the NATIONAL media, or the WORLDWIDE leader, shouldn’t it be the job of the folks on these programs to make sure we have heard of these players? Aren’t they failing if a fan has to look at a scorecard to figure out who someone on an All Star team is?
Case in point, first baseman Dmitri Young currently leads the National League in batting average. How did I come upon such a seemingly common piece of knowledge? It wasn’t from any national sports coverage. After all, Young plays for the last-place Washington Nationals, which means his team will probably only see screen time if it involves someone falling down (such coverage may as well be accompanied by Benny Hill music and laugh tracks). No, my knowledge of Young’s 2007 hitting prowess derives from the fact that I tend to trend towards nerdy when it comes to baseball, and www.baseballreference.com is one of my most commonly visited websites. Anyway, instead of being known as a guy fighting for a batting title, most general sports fans who recognize Young’s name probably know him as “the guy who pinch-hit in the All Star game instead of Albert Pujols.” (Because we all know that deserved the abundance of media coverage it received.)
These days, instead of receiving the comprehensive coverage one might expect from a national outlet, it seems that the majority of airtime goes to: 1) the “large market” teams that are forced down our throats (the Yankees are struggling… let’s devote 15 minutes to discussing why); 2) stories blown completely out of proportion (Alex Rodriguez distracted someone trying to catch a pop fly? Sweet mercy, call the cops!); or, 3) contrived ideas that must seem good at some point, but no one cares about in the end (Who is “now”? Well… I am NOW changing the channel, so is it me?)
Those of you reading this who are unfamiliar with sports (sorry, is it rude of me to assume someone is reading this?), may not be clear on the terms “small market” and “large market” referenced earlier. Unfortunately, neither deals with a shady place in an overseas nation where one might purchase a magical monkey paw. In the sports world, “large market” refers to the teams in major cities with large fan bases and so much exposure in the media that the Amish could probably recite their starting lineups. Meanwhile, “small market” teams are the ones that receive media attention 1) if they’re in a championship game; or 2) if their stadiums spontaneously combust (note: as of 8 p.m., 7/18/07, such an even has never been recorded).
If one were to ask in important person in a national media organization why the large market teams receive so much more coverage, the answer would undoubtedly be because they have more fans. But, what if these teams have more fans, only because they receive more coverage (sorry to go all “chicken or the egg” on you here, but hear me out).
People are going to follow a team they can easily keep tabs on. If you live in Oklahoma (I apologize and hope it’s not in Ardmore… but I digress…) standard geographical pride would seem to point to picking a squad from Texas, Missouri or Colorado as your favorite baseball team. Yet, in a survey conducted by Sports Illustrated upon its 50th anniversary (yes, I do have the time to look these type of things up at this point of my life… I also have the Royals going on one TV, and the World Series of Pop Culture on the other, what of it?), 11-percent of the respondents from the Sooner state said the Yankees were their favorite baseball team – the second highest total in the state, ahead of all Texas teams, the Royals and the Rockies.
Granted, the Yankees were winning championships long before the Royals were considered a small-market squad, but I’m guess the abundance of teenagers you see wearing Yankees ball-caps were not around for Mickey Mantle’s glory days. Now if the Houston Astros saw as much TV time as the Yankees, don’t you suppose a few more Oklahomans might lean their direction?
Now my idea is not revolutionary, and I’m not suggesting a last-place club should be the top story on a sports recap show. It merely seems that more time should be devoted to the reason all the players in a particular sport have jobs… the games. If I have to choose between watching highlights of a Rangers-Mariners game and getting an analysis of Alex Rodriguez’s wife’s wardrobe decision, I’m going to choose the highlights. A small-market game should never take a back seat to a large-market “story.” That is, after all, the reason people are fans in the first place – the games.
***Ending note – Royals win, 6-5.
Now, imagine your disappointment when it’s finally time for the recap of the aforementioned game, yet the only “highlights” are three misplayed balls in the outfield by a guy who was playing third base last season.
As is common with most of the “hypothetical” situations used in my prose, such an event happened just weeks ago. Granted, the Royals are not world-beaters, and I don’t expect them to be the lead on Sportscenter, but any team should receive credit when they win.
Currently, I’m watching the Royals play the Red Sox in a scoreless game through two innings. With a win, the Royals would take this series from the American League East leaders. Before picking up my laptop to compose this rant, I was calmly sitting on my couch, thinking how I’d like to see the highlights tonight if the Royals could take their bats to a 212-year old Julian Tavarez. Then I realized, because they’re playing the media-darling Red Sox, even if Odalis Perez fought all laws of pitching aptitude and common sense and tossed a no-hitter, the “highlights” would still probably focus on “Manny (Ramirez) being Manny” as he trotted in the outfield.
As a result, an abundance of issues are swarming in my head, like sportswriters to the guy they know will say something controversial.
The most pressing issue concerns coverage on a national level in general. If you frequent sports programming, odds are you have heard the phrase, “The best player no one has heard of.” The moniker is often given to a good player on a “small market” team. Now, as the NATIONAL media, or the WORLDWIDE leader, shouldn’t it be the job of the folks on these programs to make sure we have heard of these players? Aren’t they failing if a fan has to look at a scorecard to figure out who someone on an All Star team is?
Case in point, first baseman Dmitri Young currently leads the National League in batting average. How did I come upon such a seemingly common piece of knowledge? It wasn’t from any national sports coverage. After all, Young plays for the last-place Washington Nationals, which means his team will probably only see screen time if it involves someone falling down (such coverage may as well be accompanied by Benny Hill music and laugh tracks). No, my knowledge of Young’s 2007 hitting prowess derives from the fact that I tend to trend towards nerdy when it comes to baseball, and www.baseballreference.com is one of my most commonly visited websites. Anyway, instead of being known as a guy fighting for a batting title, most general sports fans who recognize Young’s name probably know him as “the guy who pinch-hit in the All Star game instead of Albert Pujols.” (Because we all know that deserved the abundance of media coverage it received.)
These days, instead of receiving the comprehensive coverage one might expect from a national outlet, it seems that the majority of airtime goes to: 1) the “large market” teams that are forced down our throats (the Yankees are struggling… let’s devote 15 minutes to discussing why); 2) stories blown completely out of proportion (Alex Rodriguez distracted someone trying to catch a pop fly? Sweet mercy, call the cops!); or, 3) contrived ideas that must seem good at some point, but no one cares about in the end (Who is “now”? Well… I am NOW changing the channel, so is it me?)
Those of you reading this who are unfamiliar with sports (sorry, is it rude of me to assume someone is reading this?), may not be clear on the terms “small market” and “large market” referenced earlier. Unfortunately, neither deals with a shady place in an overseas nation where one might purchase a magical monkey paw. In the sports world, “large market” refers to the teams in major cities with large fan bases and so much exposure in the media that the Amish could probably recite their starting lineups. Meanwhile, “small market” teams are the ones that receive media attention 1) if they’re in a championship game; or 2) if their stadiums spontaneously combust (note: as of 8 p.m., 7/18/07, such an even has never been recorded).
If one were to ask in important person in a national media organization why the large market teams receive so much more coverage, the answer would undoubtedly be because they have more fans. But, what if these teams have more fans, only because they receive more coverage (sorry to go all “chicken or the egg” on you here, but hear me out).
People are going to follow a team they can easily keep tabs on. If you live in Oklahoma (I apologize and hope it’s not in Ardmore… but I digress…) standard geographical pride would seem to point to picking a squad from Texas, Missouri or Colorado as your favorite baseball team. Yet, in a survey conducted by Sports Illustrated upon its 50th anniversary (yes, I do have the time to look these type of things up at this point of my life… I also have the Royals going on one TV, and the World Series of Pop Culture on the other, what of it?), 11-percent of the respondents from the Sooner state said the Yankees were their favorite baseball team – the second highest total in the state, ahead of all Texas teams, the Royals and the Rockies.
Granted, the Yankees were winning championships long before the Royals were considered a small-market squad, but I’m guess the abundance of teenagers you see wearing Yankees ball-caps were not around for Mickey Mantle’s glory days. Now if the Houston Astros saw as much TV time as the Yankees, don’t you suppose a few more Oklahomans might lean their direction?
Now my idea is not revolutionary, and I’m not suggesting a last-place club should be the top story on a sports recap show. It merely seems that more time should be devoted to the reason all the players in a particular sport have jobs… the games. If I have to choose between watching highlights of a Rangers-Mariners game and getting an analysis of Alex Rodriguez’s wife’s wardrobe decision, I’m going to choose the highlights. A small-market game should never take a back seat to a large-market “story.” That is, after all, the reason people are fans in the first place – the games.
***Ending note – Royals win, 6-5.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
An evening with Ms. Sony
Watch out world, it’s Saturday night! Some folks may be heading off to the movies. Others might have a dinner date. Others may have a far more crazy night ahead. Me? I just finished “You, Me and Dupree,” (not as funny as I’d hoped) grilled up a burger and a hot dog (thank you, George Foreman), and am now preparing for the wondrous TV lineup that Saturday evenings are known to provide… OK, actually it’s all the crap they throw on, since they figure most people have lives and won’t be watching TV on a Saturday night… Boy, I sure showed them. What follows are the highlights of a night of channel flipping and junk sifting, stationed from the home office – my couch.
7:08 p.m., Spike TV- “When Animals Attack 3” is showing the recreation of an alligator attack on a seven-year-old boy… Nothing about this scenario should be humorous, but the creators of such a masterpiece of television production have decided to cast a 30-year-old man to play the youngster in some of the scenes. I’m not quite sure if it was the size or the 5 o’clock shadow that gave the actor's age away. They may as well have cast a box turtle to play the gator. Instead, the fake alligator they're using is somewhat reminiscent of the inflatable alligator pool rafts. Apparently the creators of the show obviously didn’t realize that, if they used real animals in the reenactments, they could potentially make even more money… Who wouldn’t watch an episode of “When Animals Attack While Filming Episodes of When Animals Attack”?
7:20 p.m., Local Access Channel – Some grade school kids are putting on a program where they sing western-themed songs while wearing cowboy hats and bandannas. Several of them have the glazed look on their faces that you might see in a hostage video, and they’re singing with the enthusiasm of an odontophobic person waiting to get a root canal.
7:36 p.m., ESPN2 – Maria Sharapova is competing against a woman from Japan named Ai Sugiyama. Sharapova just scored an ace with a 111 mph serve. As a result, the eternal question, “Is it possible to be attracted to and afraid of a person simultaneously?” has now been answered.
7:45 p.m., The Disney Channel – Your one-stop shop for horrible acting… Wait, I mean, no, I’d never stop on the Disney Channel!
7:48 p.m., CNBC – Uh oh, the banker just called on “Deal or No Deal.” Howie says the offer will be more than a quarter of a million dollars, before cutting to commercial. My guess is that the banker doesn’t actually exist. When the phone rings, it’s simply people calling up and requesting that Mr. Mandel get Bobby’s World back on the air… Now that was quality television.
7:50 p.m. – Scantily clad women dancing seductively to catchy music right before a children’s toy is advertised? That can only mean one thing - we’re on Univision! I took two years of Spanish in high school, and I’ve recognized exactly one sentence I’ve heard. How’s that for comprehension?
7:54 p.m., BET – Oh boy, it’s the constant hilarity of the Wayans Brothers… This brings only one thought to mind, from the mind of Dave Chappelle. “The Wayans brothers… There’s more?”
8:00 p.m. – Back to Univision for some “Sabado Gigante,” and right in time for some sort of game show segment. It involves numbers… Quatro means four.
8:05 p.m., Animal Planet – A man best described as… well, a fool is walking in a swampy area, feeling for anacondas with his toes. Now he’s just gone in to tackle one, after describing the snake as feeling like an elephant's trunk. Excuse me for a moment as I run to the zoo to feel an elephant’s trunk with my bare foot, thus establishing a point of reference. Shows like this make me glad that my hobbies involve writing and watching TV, as opposed to hunting snakes and planning my own funeral.
8:25 p.m., FX – “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” Take that, kid from the Mac commercials! I’ve seen it so many times, yet it never gets old.
8:30 p.m., ESPN – A quote from Baseball Tonight, “Grady Sizemore, what doesn’t he do?” … Well, hopefully he doesn’t punch war veterans or kick puppies. I know it would be weird to bring that up on the air, but you asked the question.
8:35 p.m., MTV – A kid is singing a horrible song to a crowd at a baseball game, as the crowd members sit uncomfortably… I guess he wants to be “made” into someone who ends up getting booed at Wrigley Field while singing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” They really must be running out of ideas. As a result, I am “made” into a person that continues to grow disgusted with MTV and must change the channel.
8:47 p.m., ABC Family – Holy smokes, it’s Ziggy from “What About Bob?” post-puberty. I always wondered what happened to that kid. Apparently he got to be in a movie with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Seth Green and the Rusty Griswold kid from “Vegas Vacation.”
…
After further examination (and serious thought wondering what in the world my life has become), I’ve discovered that I’ve actually heard of this movie before; it’s “Can’t Hardly Wait.” After the mandatory awkward pause, I realize I can’t hardly wait to change the channel and the subject.
8:55 p.m., CBS – It’s Tom Selleck, but he’s not playing Thomas Magnum…. Boooooooooo! I think some actors should never be able to play new roles after achieving success with a particular one. And has any role been more successful than Thomas Magnum? Channeling my inner Ricky Bobby, I believe “Magnum P.I.” won the award for greatest TV show ever made.
9:01 p.m., TNT – Tom Hanks speaks to his volleyball, Wilson, on “Castaway.” Meanwhile, a baseball with George Brett’s face on it sits on top of my entertainment center. Time to change the channel before I start asking it about the ’85 World Series.
9:05 p.m., ESPN – A commercial with former World Series MVP, and former Royal, Jermaine Dye wearing his White Sox uniform… Urge to punch wall… rising.
9:07 p.m., VH1 – Whoa, whoa, whoa…. Paris Hilton was in jail??? Have you heard about this??? Boy, that story really slipped under the radar. I guess we can all be thankful that the stations dedicated to covering news in our country devote time to stories that really matter, and not the imprisonment of someone who is only known because she was born into money.
(We must pause for a moment while my computer attempts to process the last paragraph. I may have overloaded its sarcasm accepting circuits.)
9:20 p.m., Spike TV – More animal attack action, now featuring actual footage. This time we’re treated to a kangaroo in an Australian backyard, and then a possibly diseased lab monkey that got loose in a suburban neighborhood. Thank goodness the people involved had the foresight to film these situations, as opposed to, you know, HELPING CATCH THE DANGEROUS ANIMALS!
9:34 p.m., MTV2 – An utterly disturbing video by Queens of the Stone Age may have just taken a few years off my life. I guess it’s all part of MTV’s continuing “let’s try to get Derek to skip our channels” campaign.
9:55 p.m., FX – Another great quote from Dodgeball, in FCC-edited fashion, “Freakin’ Chuck Norris.”
10:02 p.m., Food – Iron Chef Cora gets the call on “Iron Chef.” Since this show is almost treated like a sport, should we, as viewers be treated to statistics? I’m curious how many cuts of pork Cora can slice per minute. Seems like this would really open things up for the commentators, as well. The commentary could be upgraded from “pointless drivel” to “pointless, stat-driven drivel.”
Three hours of my life later, what do I have to show for my Saturday evening? A written-account of three wasted hours, and some progress at breaking in my couch. Now I’m off to find a recap of the Royals game (John Buck wasn’t in the lineup and the offense struggled? But Buddy Bell’s boy Jason Larue was in… Urge to punch wall… rising).
7:08 p.m., Spike TV- “When Animals Attack 3” is showing the recreation of an alligator attack on a seven-year-old boy… Nothing about this scenario should be humorous, but the creators of such a masterpiece of television production have decided to cast a 30-year-old man to play the youngster in some of the scenes. I’m not quite sure if it was the size or the 5 o’clock shadow that gave the actor's age away. They may as well have cast a box turtle to play the gator. Instead, the fake alligator they're using is somewhat reminiscent of the inflatable alligator pool rafts. Apparently the creators of the show obviously didn’t realize that, if they used real animals in the reenactments, they could potentially make even more money… Who wouldn’t watch an episode of “When Animals Attack While Filming Episodes of When Animals Attack”?
7:20 p.m., Local Access Channel – Some grade school kids are putting on a program where they sing western-themed songs while wearing cowboy hats and bandannas. Several of them have the glazed look on their faces that you might see in a hostage video, and they’re singing with the enthusiasm of an odontophobic person waiting to get a root canal.
7:36 p.m., ESPN2 – Maria Sharapova is competing against a woman from Japan named Ai Sugiyama. Sharapova just scored an ace with a 111 mph serve. As a result, the eternal question, “Is it possible to be attracted to and afraid of a person simultaneously?” has now been answered.
7:45 p.m., The Disney Channel – Your one-stop shop for horrible acting… Wait, I mean, no, I’d never stop on the Disney Channel!
7:48 p.m., CNBC – Uh oh, the banker just called on “Deal or No Deal.” Howie says the offer will be more than a quarter of a million dollars, before cutting to commercial. My guess is that the banker doesn’t actually exist. When the phone rings, it’s simply people calling up and requesting that Mr. Mandel get Bobby’s World back on the air… Now that was quality television.
7:50 p.m. – Scantily clad women dancing seductively to catchy music right before a children’s toy is advertised? That can only mean one thing - we’re on Univision! I took two years of Spanish in high school, and I’ve recognized exactly one sentence I’ve heard. How’s that for comprehension?
7:54 p.m., BET – Oh boy, it’s the constant hilarity of the Wayans Brothers… This brings only one thought to mind, from the mind of Dave Chappelle. “The Wayans brothers… There’s more?”
8:00 p.m. – Back to Univision for some “Sabado Gigante,” and right in time for some sort of game show segment. It involves numbers… Quatro means four.
8:05 p.m., Animal Planet – A man best described as… well, a fool is walking in a swampy area, feeling for anacondas with his toes. Now he’s just gone in to tackle one, after describing the snake as feeling like an elephant's trunk. Excuse me for a moment as I run to the zoo to feel an elephant’s trunk with my bare foot, thus establishing a point of reference. Shows like this make me glad that my hobbies involve writing and watching TV, as opposed to hunting snakes and planning my own funeral.
8:25 p.m., FX – “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” Take that, kid from the Mac commercials! I’ve seen it so many times, yet it never gets old.
8:30 p.m., ESPN – A quote from Baseball Tonight, “Grady Sizemore, what doesn’t he do?” … Well, hopefully he doesn’t punch war veterans or kick puppies. I know it would be weird to bring that up on the air, but you asked the question.
8:35 p.m., MTV – A kid is singing a horrible song to a crowd at a baseball game, as the crowd members sit uncomfortably… I guess he wants to be “made” into someone who ends up getting booed at Wrigley Field while singing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” They really must be running out of ideas. As a result, I am “made” into a person that continues to grow disgusted with MTV and must change the channel.
8:47 p.m., ABC Family – Holy smokes, it’s Ziggy from “What About Bob?” post-puberty. I always wondered what happened to that kid. Apparently he got to be in a movie with Jennifer Love Hewitt, Seth Green and the Rusty Griswold kid from “Vegas Vacation.”
…
After further examination (and serious thought wondering what in the world my life has become), I’ve discovered that I’ve actually heard of this movie before; it’s “Can’t Hardly Wait.” After the mandatory awkward pause, I realize I can’t hardly wait to change the channel and the subject.
8:55 p.m., CBS – It’s Tom Selleck, but he’s not playing Thomas Magnum…. Boooooooooo! I think some actors should never be able to play new roles after achieving success with a particular one. And has any role been more successful than Thomas Magnum? Channeling my inner Ricky Bobby, I believe “Magnum P.I.” won the award for greatest TV show ever made.
9:01 p.m., TNT – Tom Hanks speaks to his volleyball, Wilson, on “Castaway.” Meanwhile, a baseball with George Brett’s face on it sits on top of my entertainment center. Time to change the channel before I start asking it about the ’85 World Series.
9:05 p.m., ESPN – A commercial with former World Series MVP, and former Royal, Jermaine Dye wearing his White Sox uniform… Urge to punch wall… rising.
9:07 p.m., VH1 – Whoa, whoa, whoa…. Paris Hilton was in jail??? Have you heard about this??? Boy, that story really slipped under the radar. I guess we can all be thankful that the stations dedicated to covering news in our country devote time to stories that really matter, and not the imprisonment of someone who is only known because she was born into money.
(We must pause for a moment while my computer attempts to process the last paragraph. I may have overloaded its sarcasm accepting circuits.)
9:20 p.m., Spike TV – More animal attack action, now featuring actual footage. This time we’re treated to a kangaroo in an Australian backyard, and then a possibly diseased lab monkey that got loose in a suburban neighborhood. Thank goodness the people involved had the foresight to film these situations, as opposed to, you know, HELPING CATCH THE DANGEROUS ANIMALS!
9:34 p.m., MTV2 – An utterly disturbing video by Queens of the Stone Age may have just taken a few years off my life. I guess it’s all part of MTV’s continuing “let’s try to get Derek to skip our channels” campaign.
9:55 p.m., FX – Another great quote from Dodgeball, in FCC-edited fashion, “Freakin’ Chuck Norris.”
10:02 p.m., Food – Iron Chef Cora gets the call on “Iron Chef.” Since this show is almost treated like a sport, should we, as viewers be treated to statistics? I’m curious how many cuts of pork Cora can slice per minute. Seems like this would really open things up for the commentators, as well. The commentary could be upgraded from “pointless drivel” to “pointless, stat-driven drivel.”
Three hours of my life later, what do I have to show for my Saturday evening? A written-account of three wasted hours, and some progress at breaking in my couch. Now I’m off to find a recap of the Royals game (John Buck wasn’t in the lineup and the offense struggled? But Buddy Bell’s boy Jason Larue was in… Urge to punch wall… rising).
Thursday, June 21, 2007
The Argument Solver
Life is filled with a number of great debates. Pepsi or Coke? Paper or plastic? Which came first: the chicken or the egg? Such questions can be so mind-boggling that they keep people up at night, wracking their minds for a solution.
My friends, you can all rest easy, for I have found the answer to it all – Google. For those that are unaware (folks raised by lemurs, and such), Google is a “search engine” on the “Internet” that allows users to type in keywords and find results from around this “World Wide Web (if you are unfamiliar with this Internet, I pity you… but I’m also going to steer clear of you, because you apparently have some sort of amazing mind powers, being able to read this sans a browser).
Anyway, let’s start with a simple argument – Should Buddy Bell have a job managing in Major League Baseball? With baseball, as with most athletic competitions, success is measured by wins and losses. Therefore, to test my argument solver, we first enter “’Buddy Bell’ winner” into the search engine. Such an entry nets 33,900 results. Not a bad pull for Mr. I-Like-To-Bat-A-Sub-.200-Hitting-Shane-Costa-Cleanup. Unfortunately for Buddy, the argument comes down to the results for “’Buddy Bell’ losing,”… a whopping 41,500. By a 7,600-result margin, it seems the skipper is more associated with losing, and therefore should not be managing at the big league level.
The beauty of the “Google Solution” is that it works with any argument. Is Brodie Croyle a talented young quarterback, or an injury waiting to happen in the Arrowhead backfield. Net results… “’Brodie Croyle’ talented” garners 29,900, while “Brodie Croyle’ injured” nets 44,400… Looks like Damon Huard better start warming up and hope that opponents don’t catch on to the limited playbook he worked with last season.
With the answers to all life’s questions at my fingertips, I obviously couldn’t just sit back watch television… I needed more (with the TV on in the background, naturally). Being the considerate person that I am, here are the answers to more of society’s great debates:
The ceiling… worthless or wonderful?
“ceiling worthless” – 586,000
“ceiling wonderful” – 1,330,000
This just serves as a kind reminder that we should all appreciate everything ceilings have to offer.
KU… underrated or overrated?
“KU underrated” – 44,600
“KU overrated” – 61,900
If first-round exits and tournament disappointments weren’t enough to convince you, Google can show you the way. The high expectations for the Jayhawks are as fictional as the bird they portray.
Dwight Schrute… genius or freak?
“’Dwight Schrute’ genius” – 17,900
“’Dwight Schrute’ freak” – 15,700
With that, we now all know that, despite his eccentricities, Dunder Mifflin’s Assistant to the Regional Manager in Scranton, Penn., is a genius… that knows several facts about bears… and has a purple belt.
Derek Larson… great or mediocre?
“’Derek Larson’ great” – 1,050
“’Derek Larson’ mediocre” - 8
Perhaps the convincing argument of all for the “Google Solution”… The search doesn’t lie.
This column… a useful tool or a waste of time?
“’this column’ ‘useful tool’” – 57,800
“’this column’ ‘waste of time’” – 78,800
This shows… well…
… D’oh.
My friends, you can all rest easy, for I have found the answer to it all – Google. For those that are unaware (folks raised by lemurs, and such), Google is a “search engine” on the “Internet” that allows users to type in keywords and find results from around this “World Wide Web (if you are unfamiliar with this Internet, I pity you… but I’m also going to steer clear of you, because you apparently have some sort of amazing mind powers, being able to read this sans a browser).
Anyway, let’s start with a simple argument – Should Buddy Bell have a job managing in Major League Baseball? With baseball, as with most athletic competitions, success is measured by wins and losses. Therefore, to test my argument solver, we first enter “’Buddy Bell’ winner” into the search engine. Such an entry nets 33,900 results. Not a bad pull for Mr. I-Like-To-Bat-A-Sub-.200-Hitting-Shane-Costa-Cleanup. Unfortunately for Buddy, the argument comes down to the results for “’Buddy Bell’ losing,”… a whopping 41,500. By a 7,600-result margin, it seems the skipper is more associated with losing, and therefore should not be managing at the big league level.
The beauty of the “Google Solution” is that it works with any argument. Is Brodie Croyle a talented young quarterback, or an injury waiting to happen in the Arrowhead backfield. Net results… “’Brodie Croyle’ talented” garners 29,900, while “Brodie Croyle’ injured” nets 44,400… Looks like Damon Huard better start warming up and hope that opponents don’t catch on to the limited playbook he worked with last season.
With the answers to all life’s questions at my fingertips, I obviously couldn’t just sit back watch television… I needed more (with the TV on in the background, naturally). Being the considerate person that I am, here are the answers to more of society’s great debates:
The ceiling… worthless or wonderful?
“ceiling worthless” – 586,000
“ceiling wonderful” – 1,330,000
This just serves as a kind reminder that we should all appreciate everything ceilings have to offer.
KU… underrated or overrated?
“KU underrated” – 44,600
“KU overrated” – 61,900
If first-round exits and tournament disappointments weren’t enough to convince you, Google can show you the way. The high expectations for the Jayhawks are as fictional as the bird they portray.
Dwight Schrute… genius or freak?
“’Dwight Schrute’ genius” – 17,900
“’Dwight Schrute’ freak” – 15,700
With that, we now all know that, despite his eccentricities, Dunder Mifflin’s Assistant to the Regional Manager in Scranton, Penn., is a genius… that knows several facts about bears… and has a purple belt.
Derek Larson… great or mediocre?
“’Derek Larson’ great” – 1,050
“’Derek Larson’ mediocre” - 8
Perhaps the convincing argument of all for the “Google Solution”… The search doesn’t lie.
This column… a useful tool or a waste of time?
“’this column’ ‘useful tool’” – 57,800
“’this column’ ‘waste of time’” – 78,800
This shows… well…
… D’oh.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Stating the Obvious - Observations while preparing to move
For an individual that despises the entire process of moving from one “home” to another, I sure seem to be doing it a lot. I’m currently in the midst of my third move in the last year-and-a-half, and I’m becoming fed of with the process of boxing up all my stuff, and then cleaning the area where the aforementioned stuff once resided.
What makes this move even more of a pain that most is the fact that I can’t even move directly into my new pad (apparently moving also makes me try to bring 60s terminology back into the mainstream). Thus, I’m packing things up and moving them to a storage unit, only to have the wonderful opportunity to move them again in a week when my new lease starts… I must be the luckiest guy in the world.
The one saving grace of this move is the fact that, once phase two is complete, I’ll actually live in a place that I’m not ashamed to have people visit. Don’t get me wrong, my current apartment has a certain charm (occasionally leaky ceiling, bugs roaming like it’s the rainforest, and about as much room as the Castle Grayskull I had as a kid… is charm the right word?), but the new apartment will actually have the initial appearance of being clean and decent. I’ll also have about a 42-second walk to work everyday, which is nice since gas prices have reached the point that they could put C. Montgomery Burns in the poorhouse.
In the meantime, while trying to avoid the inevitable cleaning that lies ahead (stupid oven… stupid shower), the Royals are occupying my time, with a re-examining of the “Lost” season finale during commercial breaks. Both are currently leaving my mind in a severe state of boggled-ness. Is Jack’s flash-forward the inevitable future, or just a possibility? How can the Royals be one of the hottest team’s in baseball over the last 10 games, but be behind to Cleveland 10-1 in the 7th inning (… actually, the answer to that question is probably the fact that Jorge de la Rosa remembered that he is, in fact, Jorge de la Rosa).
In other news, the Chiefs made an interesting move letting Trent Green basically hold a team-approved press conference, even though Green is currently as happy with the Kansas City front office as PETA is with Michael Vick and Clinton Portis. Think whatever you like about who is right and who is wrong in the whole Green-Carl Peterson feud, but putting Green in front of so many media members while peeved about his situation really seems to have done nothing but make the Chiefs appear to be poorly run and dishonest. No matter who you think should be under center for Kansas City, this situation is being operated about as smoothly as my teenage attempts at talking to girls I didn’t know… No, that is not a good thing.
What makes this move even more of a pain that most is the fact that I can’t even move directly into my new pad (apparently moving also makes me try to bring 60s terminology back into the mainstream). Thus, I’m packing things up and moving them to a storage unit, only to have the wonderful opportunity to move them again in a week when my new lease starts… I must be the luckiest guy in the world.
The one saving grace of this move is the fact that, once phase two is complete, I’ll actually live in a place that I’m not ashamed to have people visit. Don’t get me wrong, my current apartment has a certain charm (occasionally leaky ceiling, bugs roaming like it’s the rainforest, and about as much room as the Castle Grayskull I had as a kid… is charm the right word?), but the new apartment will actually have the initial appearance of being clean and decent. I’ll also have about a 42-second walk to work everyday, which is nice since gas prices have reached the point that they could put C. Montgomery Burns in the poorhouse.
In the meantime, while trying to avoid the inevitable cleaning that lies ahead (stupid oven… stupid shower), the Royals are occupying my time, with a re-examining of the “Lost” season finale during commercial breaks. Both are currently leaving my mind in a severe state of boggled-ness. Is Jack’s flash-forward the inevitable future, or just a possibility? How can the Royals be one of the hottest team’s in baseball over the last 10 games, but be behind to Cleveland 10-1 in the 7th inning (… actually, the answer to that question is probably the fact that Jorge de la Rosa remembered that he is, in fact, Jorge de la Rosa).
In other news, the Chiefs made an interesting move letting Trent Green basically hold a team-approved press conference, even though Green is currently as happy with the Kansas City front office as PETA is with Michael Vick and Clinton Portis. Think whatever you like about who is right and who is wrong in the whole Green-Carl Peterson feud, but putting Green in front of so many media members while peeved about his situation really seems to have done nothing but make the Chiefs appear to be poorly run and dishonest. No matter who you think should be under center for Kansas City, this situation is being operated about as smoothly as my teenage attempts at talking to girls I didn’t know… No, that is not a good thing.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Stating the Obvious - Observations From the Air
A recent trip to Virginia provided me with plenty of time to kill while sitting a Northwest Airlines (NWA for short... which can be deceiving) plane. I composed some random thoughts to entertain myself, because it was either that or crafting paper hats out of the pages of the Skymall catalog.
5-9-07
1st flight
On television and in film, prison guards are often portrayed as characters who are as tough as week old meatloaf and inebriated with their own sense of power. What happens if a prisoner even glances at a guard in a slightly distasteful manner? He's nailed with a club and tossed in the hole.
What does any of this have to do with travel? Airline security folks are the closest thing I've experienced to Hollywood's portrayal of prison guards. At least, that's how the experience was at the airport this morning.
As is the manner in these days of heightened security, I took my shoes off at the correct time and placed them in a tub to send them through the machine. I had on clean socks, so everything was dandy. I also took off my watch, and emptied my pockets of my keys, change and cellphone. I began to approach the metal detecting doorway thingy (though, with a bit of caution, because who knows if it could be some portal into another dimension), but then a security woman gruffly asked me if I had everything out of my pockets. I pulled out a pack of gum and was immediately told it had to go through the machine. Such an issue with my ear-popping deterrent seemed a bit outrageous (although tests may very well be underway on potential dangers of flavor crystals).
Nonetheless, I paused for a split-second to find one of the plastic bowls to toss my pack of crystal mint Orbit gum into, and I immediately heard, "ON YOUR RIGHT, ON TOP OF THE MACHINE," in a tone that could have made a drill sergeant quiver. Had I taken any longer to get the gum through the machine, I think the woman was going to reach for a rubber hose to crack me with.
Thankfully, my gum and I both made the flight, and, in retrospect, I guess the concern about the gum may make a little sense... it's all Tom Cruise's fault. If he had not used explosive chewing gum in Mission Impossible, the verbal abuse I suffered probably would not have happened. I hope scientologists aren't out to get me.
2nd Flight
At this point in my life, I've seen a number of films and television shows that deal with airplanes on some level. ABC's Lost stands out most specifically in my mind at this point, which means I do one thing immediately once I take my seat on a plane... I scope out my fellow flyers to try to identify which passenger could best fit each role if we were to crash on to a mysterious island (yes, I know that the flight from Detroit to Norfolk does not trek over any oceans or seas. Thanks, geography master). Unfortunately today, as far as I can tell, neither flight has produced any African druglords-turn-priests, any paralyzed folks who were pushed out of a window by their fathers who had previously stolen a kidney, nor any cute fugitives who have been on the run. I haven't even seen a large guy who says "dude" a lot and who won the lottery using numbers he heard from a resident of a mental hospital... This is unbelievable.
On a separate note, this current flight features a male flight attendant. Naturally, this brings to mind the episode of "The Simpsons" in which Marge's fear of flying results from having discovered her father was a flight attendant. I only hope this flight attendant does not have a daughter who will someday be hopelessly scarred emotional as the result of his career pouring half-cups of Pepsi aboard an airplane.
To further complicate things, this particular flight attendant looks like he could be a cousin of Billy Dee Williams. Perhaps he enjoys flying because it reminds him of Cloud City...
Flying in a plane also brings to mind that classic comedy that we all know and love: "Blazing Saddles,"... no, wait... that's not it.... "Airplane." Once again, letting film shape my expectations has wrought disappointment. There has been no in-flight meal featuring poisoned fish, I have not seen a single nun with a guitar, and I'm pretty sure our co-pilot is not Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I know Hollywood exaggerates from time to time, but they've missed on my current flying experience by at least 30,000 feet. I hope I don't suffer similar disappointments if I'm ever bitten by a strange spider at a science lab or if I'm ever exposed to nuclear radiation.
5-18
3rd Flight
Over a week since the last writing, I'm on a flight from Norfolk to Detroit. I had planned to either sleep or write on this flight, though both options are proving difficult. My seat is 24D, although it may as well be called, "the middle of the freaking engine." That, or maybe the D in 24D stands for what I'll be when the flight is over - deaf.
As a result of this noise level, which would have made Beethoven wince, I've been forced to increase the volume of the Jackson 5 currently playing on my iPod. Thus, it's difficult to concentrate on writing anything other than "ABC, it's easy as 1, 2, 3," over and over (and I really don't want to be sued by Tito Jackson).
Nonetheless, I'm please to be heading home, where things are normal. Most notably, time and television schedules that correspond with said time. Put simply, the eastern time zone is just a horrible TV watching environment. The fact that so many folks can live in a zone where prime time extends until 11 o'clock and Conan O'Brien's red pompadour does not see the light of television screens until after midnight is beyond me.
Perhaps this time issue would not be such a big deal if I had not been operating on the same schedule as residents of Del Boca Vista Phase 3 this past week. Rising and attempting to shine at 4:30 a.m. does not exactly fill my days with hope and optimism. As a result, I've been drifting to sleep early, as if I was watching tennis on TV.
PLEASE PAUSE FOR TURBULENCE
It never fails that turbulence hits right as someone is walking to the restroom, and a flight attendant is pouring a drink... poor folks. On this flight, I'm lucky enough to have another male flight attendant (apparently they're the new rage). Unfortunately, this one has no similarities to Lando Calrissian. This fellow is older, and has the look and demeanor of a pilot that has been demoted. Is such an action possible in the world of airlines? If so, is there someplace in the newspaper where I can read the latest transactions by each airline? I want to know if Northwest trades an established pilot with a high salary and character issues to Delta for a couple of bag-checking prospects in attempt to stay under the salary cap. Is that too much to ask?
Random Analogy....
The overhead luggage compartment is to humans as a transparent window is to birds. You're headed toward your intended destination (for humans, a plane seat; for birds, indoors), no worries... then BOOM (please excuse the channeling my inner John Madden there), you're in pain and you feel like an idiot. I have steered clear of such happenings thus far on this trip, but I've seen three people hit their heads on this flight alone. The reaction is always the same... act like nothing happened, sit down as quickly as possible, and then glance around to see if anyone noticed. Naturally, putting any padding on these compartments to protect people in the case of such accidents makes entirely too much sense.
5-9-07
1st flight
On television and in film, prison guards are often portrayed as characters who are as tough as week old meatloaf and inebriated with their own sense of power. What happens if a prisoner even glances at a guard in a slightly distasteful manner? He's nailed with a club and tossed in the hole.
What does any of this have to do with travel? Airline security folks are the closest thing I've experienced to Hollywood's portrayal of prison guards. At least, that's how the experience was at the airport this morning.
As is the manner in these days of heightened security, I took my shoes off at the correct time and placed them in a tub to send them through the machine. I had on clean socks, so everything was dandy. I also took off my watch, and emptied my pockets of my keys, change and cellphone. I began to approach the metal detecting doorway thingy (though, with a bit of caution, because who knows if it could be some portal into another dimension), but then a security woman gruffly asked me if I had everything out of my pockets. I pulled out a pack of gum and was immediately told it had to go through the machine. Such an issue with my ear-popping deterrent seemed a bit outrageous (although tests may very well be underway on potential dangers of flavor crystals).
Nonetheless, I paused for a split-second to find one of the plastic bowls to toss my pack of crystal mint Orbit gum into, and I immediately heard, "ON YOUR RIGHT, ON TOP OF THE MACHINE," in a tone that could have made a drill sergeant quiver. Had I taken any longer to get the gum through the machine, I think the woman was going to reach for a rubber hose to crack me with.
Thankfully, my gum and I both made the flight, and, in retrospect, I guess the concern about the gum may make a little sense... it's all Tom Cruise's fault. If he had not used explosive chewing gum in Mission Impossible, the verbal abuse I suffered probably would not have happened. I hope scientologists aren't out to get me.
2nd Flight
At this point in my life, I've seen a number of films and television shows that deal with airplanes on some level. ABC's Lost stands out most specifically in my mind at this point, which means I do one thing immediately once I take my seat on a plane... I scope out my fellow flyers to try to identify which passenger could best fit each role if we were to crash on to a mysterious island (yes, I know that the flight from Detroit to Norfolk does not trek over any oceans or seas. Thanks, geography master). Unfortunately today, as far as I can tell, neither flight has produced any African druglords-turn-priests, any paralyzed folks who were pushed out of a window by their fathers who had previously stolen a kidney, nor any cute fugitives who have been on the run. I haven't even seen a large guy who says "dude" a lot and who won the lottery using numbers he heard from a resident of a mental hospital... This is unbelievable.
On a separate note, this current flight features a male flight attendant. Naturally, this brings to mind the episode of "The Simpsons" in which Marge's fear of flying results from having discovered her father was a flight attendant. I only hope this flight attendant does not have a daughter who will someday be hopelessly scarred emotional as the result of his career pouring half-cups of Pepsi aboard an airplane.
To further complicate things, this particular flight attendant looks like he could be a cousin of Billy Dee Williams. Perhaps he enjoys flying because it reminds him of Cloud City...
Flying in a plane also brings to mind that classic comedy that we all know and love: "Blazing Saddles,"... no, wait... that's not it.... "Airplane." Once again, letting film shape my expectations has wrought disappointment. There has been no in-flight meal featuring poisoned fish, I have not seen a single nun with a guitar, and I'm pretty sure our co-pilot is not Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I know Hollywood exaggerates from time to time, but they've missed on my current flying experience by at least 30,000 feet. I hope I don't suffer similar disappointments if I'm ever bitten by a strange spider at a science lab or if I'm ever exposed to nuclear radiation.
5-18
3rd Flight
Over a week since the last writing, I'm on a flight from Norfolk to Detroit. I had planned to either sleep or write on this flight, though both options are proving difficult. My seat is 24D, although it may as well be called, "the middle of the freaking engine." That, or maybe the D in 24D stands for what I'll be when the flight is over - deaf.
As a result of this noise level, which would have made Beethoven wince, I've been forced to increase the volume of the Jackson 5 currently playing on my iPod. Thus, it's difficult to concentrate on writing anything other than "ABC, it's easy as 1, 2, 3," over and over (and I really don't want to be sued by Tito Jackson).
Nonetheless, I'm please to be heading home, where things are normal. Most notably, time and television schedules that correspond with said time. Put simply, the eastern time zone is just a horrible TV watching environment. The fact that so many folks can live in a zone where prime time extends until 11 o'clock and Conan O'Brien's red pompadour does not see the light of television screens until after midnight is beyond me.
Perhaps this time issue would not be such a big deal if I had not been operating on the same schedule as residents of Del Boca Vista Phase 3 this past week. Rising and attempting to shine at 4:30 a.m. does not exactly fill my days with hope and optimism. As a result, I've been drifting to sleep early, as if I was watching tennis on TV.
PLEASE PAUSE FOR TURBULENCE
It never fails that turbulence hits right as someone is walking to the restroom, and a flight attendant is pouring a drink... poor folks. On this flight, I'm lucky enough to have another male flight attendant (apparently they're the new rage). Unfortunately, this one has no similarities to Lando Calrissian. This fellow is older, and has the look and demeanor of a pilot that has been demoted. Is such an action possible in the world of airlines? If so, is there someplace in the newspaper where I can read the latest transactions by each airline? I want to know if Northwest trades an established pilot with a high salary and character issues to Delta for a couple of bag-checking prospects in attempt to stay under the salary cap. Is that too much to ask?
Random Analogy....
The overhead luggage compartment is to humans as a transparent window is to birds. You're headed toward your intended destination (for humans, a plane seat; for birds, indoors), no worries... then BOOM (please excuse the channeling my inner John Madden there), you're in pain and you feel like an idiot. I have steered clear of such happenings thus far on this trip, but I've seen three people hit their heads on this flight alone. The reaction is always the same... act like nothing happened, sit down as quickly as possible, and then glance around to see if anyone noticed. Naturally, putting any padding on these compartments to protect people in the case of such accidents makes entirely too much sense.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Stating the Obvious - Recent Observations From the World of Sports
If, by chance, you read my previous post regarding the Kansas City Royals, you probably now are doubting my intelligence and/or my sanity. Naturally, I decided to tout their "strongest" points and predict relative success for the boys in blue. As if on cue, the Royals have opened the season with the worst record in the American League, and have had a better start to the season than just the Washington "lock for the first pick in the 2008 Amateur Draft" Nationals. Despite my eternal optimism, such bad fortune has not been surprising to many people.
What has been unexpected to nearly anyone who has even heard of the Royals is the way Kansas City has been dropping games. The starting pitching, which appeared to be a possible weak link at Kauffman Stadium, has been a relative strength. The $55 million-dollar man Gil Meche has shown "ace of a staff" stuff thus far, allowing just 12 earned runs in seven starts. Meanwhile, Jorge de la Rosa is tied with Meche for the team lead in victories, and is making the Royals' trade of Buddy Bell's old favorite, Tony Graffinino, appear to be a move of pure genius.
Despite some stellar performances from the starters, the Royals have been dropping games, thanks largely to bullpen collapse that rival history's greatest avalanches and an offense that has struggled to get as many hits as Menudo. Rookie Alex Gordon, the phenom talented enough to even receive comparisons to the best player to ever wear a KC cap, George Brett, has struggled from the start. Just 29 games into his young career, Gordon's batting average of .175, makes former Royal (and key component in one of the worst KC trades ever) Neifi Perez look like Tony Gwynn. First-baseman Ryan Shealy has opened the year hitting at a .113 clip, meaning he could double his batting average and still be considered disappointing so far. Even Emil Brown, who apparently has become his own personal PR rep, is batting below .200.
So once again, the time may seem right for me to hang up my Royals cap and start thinking about football season (... Bramon Cruard at QB for the Chiefs? D'oh...), but once again, I'm simply not ready to take that step. Chalk it up once again to delusion, stupidity, or blatant homerism, but there's plenty of time KC to get things going in the right direction. It seems the offense has no option other than improving. Alex Gordon will prove he belongs at the major league level. Recent call-up Billy Butler, who has raked like Groundskeeper Willie at every level of baseball, will be a threat in the big leagues (on offense, anyway). With the return of injured pitchers Luke Hudson and Octavio Dotel, the bullpen will improve, giving KC decent options beyond Joakim Soria and Jimmy Gobble (whose faces do not appear in the dictionary next to reliable).
The Royals are a young crew, with plenty of room for improvement. Despite what some may think, they will do so.
HITTING OTHER POINTS...
I've never the Chiefs' draft strategies, but I think they may regret not drafting Louisville runningback Michael Bush in the third round (not to mention ignoring cornerback and quarterback completely).
If anyone in televised sports history has gotten more screen time while he's just standing waiting to compete than Tiger Woods, I would be very surprised.
One round into the NBA playoffs (yes, the NBA still exists), both the teams that competed in the 2006 Finals have been eliminated... so who is going to take the top prize? The Spurs. Tim Duncan is the best player left in the playoffs, Tony Parker is quicker than a chubby man at a buffet, and they have one of the best clutch players in NBA history, Robert Horry. Who will they beat? They could top anyone in the East, but for the sake of argument, I'll say Vince Carter leads the Nets to the Finals, since he's in for a big payday as a free agent this off-season, if (when?)he opts out of his contract.
Oh, and apparently Floyd Mayweather beat Oscar De La Hoya in a boxing match. Odds are one or more of the 3,281 title belts floating around out there were up for grabs. Is it possible for boxing to become relevant again?
Lastly, a horse won the Kentucky Derby. It will now receive talk that it could win the vaunted Triple Crown, and will become the most beloved horse since last year's Derby winner. The horse will remain popular only if it wins the Triple Crown or injures itself going for it (at which point it will earn Mr. Ed popularity). Why is it that horses are the only animals that can compete in a popular sporting event? Can't we see a grizzly-bear eating competition or orangutans playing rugby?
What has been unexpected to nearly anyone who has even heard of the Royals is the way Kansas City has been dropping games. The starting pitching, which appeared to be a possible weak link at Kauffman Stadium, has been a relative strength. The $55 million-dollar man Gil Meche has shown "ace of a staff" stuff thus far, allowing just 12 earned runs in seven starts. Meanwhile, Jorge de la Rosa is tied with Meche for the team lead in victories, and is making the Royals' trade of Buddy Bell's old favorite, Tony Graffinino, appear to be a move of pure genius.
Despite some stellar performances from the starters, the Royals have been dropping games, thanks largely to bullpen collapse that rival history's greatest avalanches and an offense that has struggled to get as many hits as Menudo. Rookie Alex Gordon, the phenom talented enough to even receive comparisons to the best player to ever wear a KC cap, George Brett, has struggled from the start. Just 29 games into his young career, Gordon's batting average of .175, makes former Royal (and key component in one of the worst KC trades ever) Neifi Perez look like Tony Gwynn. First-baseman Ryan Shealy has opened the year hitting at a .113 clip, meaning he could double his batting average and still be considered disappointing so far. Even Emil Brown, who apparently has become his own personal PR rep, is batting below .200.
So once again, the time may seem right for me to hang up my Royals cap and start thinking about football season (... Bramon Cruard at QB for the Chiefs? D'oh...), but once again, I'm simply not ready to take that step. Chalk it up once again to delusion, stupidity, or blatant homerism, but there's plenty of time KC to get things going in the right direction. It seems the offense has no option other than improving. Alex Gordon will prove he belongs at the major league level. Recent call-up Billy Butler, who has raked like Groundskeeper Willie at every level of baseball, will be a threat in the big leagues (on offense, anyway). With the return of injured pitchers Luke Hudson and Octavio Dotel, the bullpen will improve, giving KC decent options beyond Joakim Soria and Jimmy Gobble (whose faces do not appear in the dictionary next to reliable).
The Royals are a young crew, with plenty of room for improvement. Despite what some may think, they will do so.
HITTING OTHER POINTS...
I've never the Chiefs' draft strategies, but I think they may regret not drafting Louisville runningback Michael Bush in the third round (not to mention ignoring cornerback and quarterback completely).
If anyone in televised sports history has gotten more screen time while he's just standing waiting to compete than Tiger Woods, I would be very surprised.
One round into the NBA playoffs (yes, the NBA still exists), both the teams that competed in the 2006 Finals have been eliminated... so who is going to take the top prize? The Spurs. Tim Duncan is the best player left in the playoffs, Tony Parker is quicker than a chubby man at a buffet, and they have one of the best clutch players in NBA history, Robert Horry. Who will they beat? They could top anyone in the East, but for the sake of argument, I'll say Vince Carter leads the Nets to the Finals, since he's in for a big payday as a free agent this off-season, if (when?)he opts out of his contract.
Oh, and apparently Floyd Mayweather beat Oscar De La Hoya in a boxing match. Odds are one or more of the 3,281 title belts floating around out there were up for grabs. Is it possible for boxing to become relevant again?
Lastly, a horse won the Kentucky Derby. It will now receive talk that it could win the vaunted Triple Crown, and will become the most beloved horse since last year's Derby winner. The horse will remain popular only if it wins the Triple Crown or injures itself going for it (at which point it will earn Mr. Ed popularity). Why is it that horses are the only animals that can compete in a popular sporting event? Can't we see a grizzly-bear eating competition or orangutans playing rugby?
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Feeling Blue... Royal Blue
Every February something unnatural happens to me. It doesn’t involve deformities, chemical imbalances, or an onset of gigantism… it’s simply an adjustment in my state of mind. The thermometer may still be showing freezing temperatures in the Heartland, but in the middle of the month Major League Baseball teams open spring training. With the first utterance of the phrase “pitchers and catchers report,” my optimism for the upcoming season of Kansas City Royals baseball shoots upward like a Willie Mays Hayes pop fly.
Need an example? In 2006, I picked the Royals to compete for third place in the American League Central (which proved to be the toughest division in baseball). Despite my eternal hope, including attempts to create a club for those who see Angel Berroa’s mouth as half-full of tobacco (the Royals Optimist Alliance… plenty of memberships still available), KC lost 100 games and finished as the second-worst team in the Majors (thank you for your futility, Tampa Bay Devil Rays).
Such a bogus inaccuracy in judgment should teach a lesson, right? No one in their right mind would continue predicting success for a squad whose pitching staff has taken more hits than Evander Holyfield’s sparring partner, would they? Hence the unnatural occurrence I referenced earlier.
Honestly, I think the Royals can be competitive in 2007. Granted, I’m not going to pencil them in for a playoff spot, but I think they can finish much closer to that third-place finish I had them chasing last year. The AL Central is as strong as a ‘roided up outfielder, but I think general manager Dayton Moore has made a variety of moves that have the Royals on the right track.
Last year at this time, the names Ryan Shealy, Gil Meche and Octavio Dotel were nonexistent in Royal verbiage. This year, Shealy means a slugger at first base, Meche is a legitimate starting pitcher, and Dotel means a proven arm out of the bullpen.
Along the same lines, 12 months ago, Mark Teahen had not proven he could hit at a big-league level, and uber-talented prospect Alex Gordon, despite his skills, had about the same chance of making the opening-day roster as a 53-year-old George Brett. In 2007, Teahen enters the season as the team’s No. 3-hole hitter coming off a breakout campaign, and Gordon has shown enough talent to usurp Teahen’s job at third base, moving the incumbent to right field.
The following items (bulleted and bolded for your reading ease) also have me (perhaps irrationally) geared up about the ’07 Royals.
- Outfield depth
Royals’ fans will remember a lowlight form last season when centerfielder Kerry Robinson exhibited the depth perception of a blind shrew, scaling the outfield wall in attempt to make a play on a ball that wound up landing on the warning track. Barring an onset of the plague, Robinson won’t be scaling walls anywhere near Kansas City this season. Shane Costa, Joe Gathright, Reggie Sanders and Ross Gload can all be serviceable outfielders in the majors, and none are expected to start for KC.
David DeJesus, Emil Brown and Mark Teahen should provide the Royals with their most offensively talented outfield since Jermaine Dye and Carlos Beltran were in town. Questions may surround the unit’s defensive capabilities, with Teahen adjusting after his move from the hot corner, and Emil Brown (despite his own comparisons to Carl Crawford, among others) roaming the outfield with the grace of a fawn on a frozen pond.
- Revamped Rotation
Unless you spent the offseason in a cave on the moon with your head underneath a rock while wearing a blindfold and listening to Eddie Murphy’s “Party All The Time” on an iPod with the volume cranked to the max, you probably heard about the Royals signing pitcher Gil Meche. More Specifically, you probably heard reasons why the signing of the former Seattle starting pitcher for $55 million over five years was: a) the worst move of the offseason; b) the most ludicrous signing in baseball history; c) the cause of U.S. foreign policy difficulties; d) the downfall of human civilization; and d) a true sign of the apocalypse.
I may be stepping out on a ledge here, but I think most, if not all (I won’t claim to be a foreign policy expert) of those claims are false. There was no doubt that the Royals had to improve in the starting pitching department. Of the Kansas City pitchers who started at least 10 games in 2006, none had an ERA of lower than 5.12. Meche’s 2006 ERA was 4.48. Granted, $11 millon per year is enough to buy quite a few packs of Big League Chew, but an examination of the free agent market for starting pitchers shows that the
Royals were to pay a high price if they wanted to land a legitimate starter. After all, Ted Lilly, a pitcher two years Meche’s senior, with similar numbers, landed with the Chicago Cubs for a cool $40 million over four years.
The Royals open the 2007 with a completely new starting rotation, when compared to the start of last season. Gone are Scott Elarton (injured), Jeremy Affeldt (traded to Rockies), Denny Bautista (traded to Rockies), Mark Redman (not re-signed), and Joe Mays (released). Replacing them will be Meche, Odalis Perez, Jorge de la Rosa, and Brandon Duckworth, along with a returning Zack Greinke. Returning to the rotation after leaving the team in spring training last season, Greinke has received treatment for depression and will look to return to the form that saw him earn fourth-place in Rookie of the Year voting in 2004. The exciting thing for Royals’ fans – he’s still just 23.
- Dayton Moore
Why be excited about someone who doesn’t even wear a Kansas City uniform? Because the Royals’ GM is doing his best to proved that the Royals actually have a direction for the first time since the 1994 strike. Instead of making moves that seem to be mostly fueled by dollars and cents, Moore is addressing areas that he sees as needing improvement. The Royals had no speed… enter Joey Gathright. The Royals, a team obviously rebuilding, were starting a 32-year-old Doug Mientkiewicz at first base… enter Ryan Shealy. Kansas City’s pitching corps in the minor leagues had less depth than a kiddie pool… enter Luke Hochevar, Tyler Lumsden and Daniel Cortes. Finally, the Royals had Angel “I have the plate discipline of a grizzly bear at a steakhouse” Berroa at shortstop… enter Tony Pena, Jr.
Now Pena Jr. may have less-than-stellar minor league stats, and he may be the son of former manager Tony Pena, but if Moore (who was a strong candidate to replace Theo Epstein as the GM for the Boston Red Sox) thinks the junior Pena is ready to break out, I’m not going to argue with him.
My figurative opening pitch has been tossed. All that’s left is for the season to begin, and for me to be proven a pathetic, over-optimistic homer; or an enlightened, accurate-thinking homer. Either way, I’m dusting off my Royals Optimist Alliance guest book.
Need an example? In 2006, I picked the Royals to compete for third place in the American League Central (which proved to be the toughest division in baseball). Despite my eternal hope, including attempts to create a club for those who see Angel Berroa’s mouth as half-full of tobacco (the Royals Optimist Alliance… plenty of memberships still available), KC lost 100 games and finished as the second-worst team in the Majors (thank you for your futility, Tampa Bay Devil Rays).
Such a bogus inaccuracy in judgment should teach a lesson, right? No one in their right mind would continue predicting success for a squad whose pitching staff has taken more hits than Evander Holyfield’s sparring partner, would they? Hence the unnatural occurrence I referenced earlier.
Honestly, I think the Royals can be competitive in 2007. Granted, I’m not going to pencil them in for a playoff spot, but I think they can finish much closer to that third-place finish I had them chasing last year. The AL Central is as strong as a ‘roided up outfielder, but I think general manager Dayton Moore has made a variety of moves that have the Royals on the right track.
Last year at this time, the names Ryan Shealy, Gil Meche and Octavio Dotel were nonexistent in Royal verbiage. This year, Shealy means a slugger at first base, Meche is a legitimate starting pitcher, and Dotel means a proven arm out of the bullpen.
Along the same lines, 12 months ago, Mark Teahen had not proven he could hit at a big-league level, and uber-talented prospect Alex Gordon, despite his skills, had about the same chance of making the opening-day roster as a 53-year-old George Brett. In 2007, Teahen enters the season as the team’s No. 3-hole hitter coming off a breakout campaign, and Gordon has shown enough talent to usurp Teahen’s job at third base, moving the incumbent to right field.
The following items (bulleted and bolded for your reading ease) also have me (perhaps irrationally) geared up about the ’07 Royals.
- Outfield depth
Royals’ fans will remember a lowlight form last season when centerfielder Kerry Robinson exhibited the depth perception of a blind shrew, scaling the outfield wall in attempt to make a play on a ball that wound up landing on the warning track. Barring an onset of the plague, Robinson won’t be scaling walls anywhere near Kansas City this season. Shane Costa, Joe Gathright, Reggie Sanders and Ross Gload can all be serviceable outfielders in the majors, and none are expected to start for KC.
David DeJesus, Emil Brown and Mark Teahen should provide the Royals with their most offensively talented outfield since Jermaine Dye and Carlos Beltran were in town. Questions may surround the unit’s defensive capabilities, with Teahen adjusting after his move from the hot corner, and Emil Brown (despite his own comparisons to Carl Crawford, among others) roaming the outfield with the grace of a fawn on a frozen pond.
- Revamped Rotation
Unless you spent the offseason in a cave on the moon with your head underneath a rock while wearing a blindfold and listening to Eddie Murphy’s “Party All The Time” on an iPod with the volume cranked to the max, you probably heard about the Royals signing pitcher Gil Meche. More Specifically, you probably heard reasons why the signing of the former Seattle starting pitcher for $55 million over five years was: a) the worst move of the offseason; b) the most ludicrous signing in baseball history; c) the cause of U.S. foreign policy difficulties; d) the downfall of human civilization; and d) a true sign of the apocalypse.
I may be stepping out on a ledge here, but I think most, if not all (I won’t claim to be a foreign policy expert) of those claims are false. There was no doubt that the Royals had to improve in the starting pitching department. Of the Kansas City pitchers who started at least 10 games in 2006, none had an ERA of lower than 5.12. Meche’s 2006 ERA was 4.48. Granted, $11 millon per year is enough to buy quite a few packs of Big League Chew, but an examination of the free agent market for starting pitchers shows that the
Royals were to pay a high price if they wanted to land a legitimate starter. After all, Ted Lilly, a pitcher two years Meche’s senior, with similar numbers, landed with the Chicago Cubs for a cool $40 million over four years.
The Royals open the 2007 with a completely new starting rotation, when compared to the start of last season. Gone are Scott Elarton (injured), Jeremy Affeldt (traded to Rockies), Denny Bautista (traded to Rockies), Mark Redman (not re-signed), and Joe Mays (released). Replacing them will be Meche, Odalis Perez, Jorge de la Rosa, and Brandon Duckworth, along with a returning Zack Greinke. Returning to the rotation after leaving the team in spring training last season, Greinke has received treatment for depression and will look to return to the form that saw him earn fourth-place in Rookie of the Year voting in 2004. The exciting thing for Royals’ fans – he’s still just 23.
- Dayton Moore
Why be excited about someone who doesn’t even wear a Kansas City uniform? Because the Royals’ GM is doing his best to proved that the Royals actually have a direction for the first time since the 1994 strike. Instead of making moves that seem to be mostly fueled by dollars and cents, Moore is addressing areas that he sees as needing improvement. The Royals had no speed… enter Joey Gathright. The Royals, a team obviously rebuilding, were starting a 32-year-old Doug Mientkiewicz at first base… enter Ryan Shealy. Kansas City’s pitching corps in the minor leagues had less depth than a kiddie pool… enter Luke Hochevar, Tyler Lumsden and Daniel Cortes. Finally, the Royals had Angel “I have the plate discipline of a grizzly bear at a steakhouse” Berroa at shortstop… enter Tony Pena, Jr.
Now Pena Jr. may have less-than-stellar minor league stats, and he may be the son of former manager Tony Pena, but if Moore (who was a strong candidate to replace Theo Epstein as the GM for the Boston Red Sox) thinks the junior Pena is ready to break out, I’m not going to argue with him.
My figurative opening pitch has been tossed. All that’s left is for the season to begin, and for me to be proven a pathetic, over-optimistic homer; or an enlightened, accurate-thinking homer. Either way, I’m dusting off my Royals Optimist Alliance guest book.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Things I don’t understand (part 2 in a never-ending series… because things beyond my comprehension pop up every day): The clothing edition
As you may come to understand from the title, there are some fashions and fads in today’s culture that I consider faux pas (I just punched myself for typing that… Honestly, is there a term that seems more suited for a stuck-up, too-rich-for-their-own-good person than “faux pas?” Just try saying it without feeling like someone named Tabby at a wine-and-cheese party… or anyone on E!).
Anyway, what follows is just a sampling of some of the fashion statements I don’t understand. I’m not saying they’re wrong, or that those who adhere to these trends are bad people (though they very well could be), they are just concepts I won’t abide by (especially in the case of the female clothing).
Flip-flops with long pants
To prove I’m not trying to begin a campaign to get these people run out of the country or put into their own schools, I’m going to start with this style, which is growing more and more common. I have friends who do this… but that doesn’t mean I understand it.
Personally, when I wear long pants (as opposed to short pants, i.e., “shorts”), it is because, 1) the temperature put forth by the current environmental weather conditions is cold enough that I would not feel comfortable wearing shorts; 2) I am in a setting where I do not feel that shorts provide a “dressy” enough appearance (i.e., work, church, wine-and-cheese parties… wait, no…); or 3) I am planning on being in an environmental area in which long grasses are prevalent (like the African savannah) and could potentially leave my legs itchy.
In each of the above-mentioned situations, it would not be plausible to have my legs sheathed but my feet exposed to the elements. I mean, my feet get just as cold as my legs; my feet aren’t particularly attractive, so I would not wish to flash them about in a dressing-up situation; and my feet are just as prone to getting itchy from tall grasses as my exposed legs.
Capri pants
What do you call a pair of pants so short they only reach halfway down your calves? They used to be called “garage-sale material,” but now they’re “Capri pants.” Have we entered an age where the lower-calf-to-sock-line area is something worth flaunting? Is wearing fabric on that area simply too constricting? I honestly don’t know what makes them fashionable, but I’m currently working on a new form of glove on which the only the fingernail area is cut off to take advantage of this craze.
Straw top hats
Granted, in my 24 years, I have seen only one of these… and that was in my time spent as a resident of Central Kansas, but it was simply ridiculous. Imagine a top hat like that worn by Harry and Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber, but completely made of straw. I understand, if worn for comedic value, but the gentleman wearing it was not taking that route. Perhaps this guy was on to something, and in the coming months they will catch on, along with straw tuxedos and rope neckties… frankly, I’m scared.
Sweatbands worn for no reason
The concept of sweatbands makes sense. They soak up sweat, and they are bands of cloth. I have nothing wrong with the donning of sweatbands… if you are running up and down a basketball court or a football field. Seriously, what is the point of wearing sweatbands if you are going to Physics 101? Are everyday activities really that strenuous? As a guy whose sweat glands are more active than most (it’s pretty much impossible to find a good way to describe sweating a lot… I’ve tried), even I know that sweatbands simply aren’t practical in social settings.
What will be the next item Derek does not understand?Philosphy?Elven script?How Damon Huard played so well against the 49ers?Does he even know?Find out down the road (that’s figurative speak… you can’t actually travel down a road to discover it… although that is an interesting idea).
Anyway, what follows is just a sampling of some of the fashion statements I don’t understand. I’m not saying they’re wrong, or that those who adhere to these trends are bad people (though they very well could be), they are just concepts I won’t abide by (especially in the case of the female clothing).
Flip-flops with long pants
To prove I’m not trying to begin a campaign to get these people run out of the country or put into their own schools, I’m going to start with this style, which is growing more and more common. I have friends who do this… but that doesn’t mean I understand it.
Personally, when I wear long pants (as opposed to short pants, i.e., “shorts”), it is because, 1) the temperature put forth by the current environmental weather conditions is cold enough that I would not feel comfortable wearing shorts; 2) I am in a setting where I do not feel that shorts provide a “dressy” enough appearance (i.e., work, church, wine-and-cheese parties… wait, no…); or 3) I am planning on being in an environmental area in which long grasses are prevalent (like the African savannah) and could potentially leave my legs itchy.
In each of the above-mentioned situations, it would not be plausible to have my legs sheathed but my feet exposed to the elements. I mean, my feet get just as cold as my legs; my feet aren’t particularly attractive, so I would not wish to flash them about in a dressing-up situation; and my feet are just as prone to getting itchy from tall grasses as my exposed legs.
Capri pants
What do you call a pair of pants so short they only reach halfway down your calves? They used to be called “garage-sale material,” but now they’re “Capri pants.” Have we entered an age where the lower-calf-to-sock-line area is something worth flaunting? Is wearing fabric on that area simply too constricting? I honestly don’t know what makes them fashionable, but I’m currently working on a new form of glove on which the only the fingernail area is cut off to take advantage of this craze.
Straw top hats
Granted, in my 24 years, I have seen only one of these… and that was in my time spent as a resident of Central Kansas, but it was simply ridiculous. Imagine a top hat like that worn by Harry and Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber, but completely made of straw. I understand, if worn for comedic value, but the gentleman wearing it was not taking that route. Perhaps this guy was on to something, and in the coming months they will catch on, along with straw tuxedos and rope neckties… frankly, I’m scared.
Sweatbands worn for no reason
The concept of sweatbands makes sense. They soak up sweat, and they are bands of cloth. I have nothing wrong with the donning of sweatbands… if you are running up and down a basketball court or a football field. Seriously, what is the point of wearing sweatbands if you are going to Physics 101? Are everyday activities really that strenuous? As a guy whose sweat glands are more active than most (it’s pretty much impossible to find a good way to describe sweating a lot… I’ve tried), even I know that sweatbands simply aren’t practical in social settings.
What will be the next item Derek does not understand?Philosphy?Elven script?How Damon Huard played so well against the 49ers?Does he even know?Find out down the road (that’s figurative speak… you can’t actually travel down a road to discover it… although that is an interesting idea).
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Things I don’t understand… (the first in a series (if I get around to it))
I’ve been around for a while… over 24 years, actually. Thinking about that really puts in perspective how complicated life is. I’m not trying to get philosophical, I just mean that if I were to have the same job for 24 years (as opposed to my personal record of seven months) I would expect to know the ins and outs of that job like Harry Carey knew “Take me out to the ballgame.” In reality, I have been a person for 24 years (hopefully that is not a surprise), yet there are many things I see everyday that my bachelor’s degree-attaining brain cannot begin to comprehend. The list is much too long for this space, but here’s a taste…
Sports “fans”
Sports are great. I love sports to the point that much of my life has focused on them. From spending my petty amounts of money as a child on baseball cards, to writing about sports in my first “real” job (the money made me wonder if it was really a job at certain times), years of my life have centered on athletic competition. Today, there are few things that can draw my interest like the opportunity to watch one of my teams of choice.
With this obsession that may be borderline-unhealthy, I have noticed one deeply disturbing trend: fans that do nothing but rag on the team(s) they are fans of. How can people call themselves fans of said team if they do nothing but scoff at their play, pout about their executive decisions and follow up every loss with, “They’re horrible. I knew they would lose,”?
In reality, they can’t. It’s not accurate.
Seriously.
The online dictionary, www.dictionary.com (no questions about what you’re getting there) has one definition for fan that has nothing to do with blowing air. According to this definition, a fan is “an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, pastime, celebrity, etc.” Normally, when I admire something I don’t spite it, complain about it constantly or simply ignore it.
I’m not saying a complaint now and then is strictly forbidden. On occasion, they’re called for. Like if a hypothetical baseball team trades an all-star outfielder for a shortstop whose batting average struggles to eclipse his weight, the hypothetical fan has a right to be mad about that move (and nearly outraged when that hypothetical outfielder goes on to be hypothetically named the MVP of the hypothetical championship… remember, this is all hypothetical). What can’t happen is getting down on the team to the point that you are no longer taking interest in whether they win or lose. If that becomes the case, as discussed earlier, the person in question can no longer accurately be considered a fan.
They then become a poser fan. Because that sounds a little long, we’ll shorten it to pfan. To avoid any confusion, the “p” in “pfan” is silent. Thus, the correct pronunciation of “pfan” is “person with no sense of direction or loyalty that simply prefers to take the easy route and associate him-or-herself with whatever team seems to be playing well at the moment.”
Pfan… it’s a surprisingly complicated word.
What will be the next item Derek does not understand?
Thermodynamics?
The process of smelting?
Females in general?
Does he even know?
Find out tomorr- uh… next wee- no…. whenever he gets around to wasting time by writing something else.
Sports “fans”
Sports are great. I love sports to the point that much of my life has focused on them. From spending my petty amounts of money as a child on baseball cards, to writing about sports in my first “real” job (the money made me wonder if it was really a job at certain times), years of my life have centered on athletic competition. Today, there are few things that can draw my interest like the opportunity to watch one of my teams of choice.
With this obsession that may be borderline-unhealthy, I have noticed one deeply disturbing trend: fans that do nothing but rag on the team(s) they are fans of. How can people call themselves fans of said team if they do nothing but scoff at their play, pout about their executive decisions and follow up every loss with, “They’re horrible. I knew they would lose,”?
In reality, they can’t. It’s not accurate.
Seriously.
The online dictionary, www.dictionary.com (no questions about what you’re getting there) has one definition for fan that has nothing to do with blowing air. According to this definition, a fan is “an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, pastime, celebrity, etc.” Normally, when I admire something I don’t spite it, complain about it constantly or simply ignore it.
I’m not saying a complaint now and then is strictly forbidden. On occasion, they’re called for. Like if a hypothetical baseball team trades an all-star outfielder for a shortstop whose batting average struggles to eclipse his weight, the hypothetical fan has a right to be mad about that move (and nearly outraged when that hypothetical outfielder goes on to be hypothetically named the MVP of the hypothetical championship… remember, this is all hypothetical). What can’t happen is getting down on the team to the point that you are no longer taking interest in whether they win or lose. If that becomes the case, as discussed earlier, the person in question can no longer accurately be considered a fan.
They then become a poser fan. Because that sounds a little long, we’ll shorten it to pfan. To avoid any confusion, the “p” in “pfan” is silent. Thus, the correct pronunciation of “pfan” is “person with no sense of direction or loyalty that simply prefers to take the easy route and associate him-or-herself with whatever team seems to be playing well at the moment.”
Pfan… it’s a surprisingly complicated word.
What will be the next item Derek does not understand?
Thermodynamics?
The process of smelting?
Females in general?
Does he even know?
Find out tomorr- uh… next wee- no…. whenever he gets around to wasting time by writing something else.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Sweet sun, please have mercy...
Sometimes you have to look to the weather for inspiration... or you can simply despise it...
Writer: It’s hot.
Readers: How hot is it?
Writer: It’s so hot that I caught my oven cracking the freezer door open to keep cool. It’s so hot that bank thermometer has resorted to showing a frowny face instead of a temperature reading.
It’s so hot that I’ve decided to begin a column by imitating a lousy stand-up comedian with a series of horribly unfunny jokes.
Anyway, here are the thoughts that have been occupying my mind when I’m not pondering whether people would laugh at me for appearing in public with bags of ice taped to my limbs.
Royal turnaround...
When is a 32-60 overall record a reason be excited? When you’re a fan of a team that opened the Major League Baseball season by winning as often as a blackjack player that can’t comprehend basic arithmetic.
With a 32-60 record, the Kansas City Royals have the same record as the 2005 team at this point in the season. Granted, the Royals lost 106 games last season, but the point is that Dayton Moore’s crew is no longer on pace to set a new record for futility.
On top of that, it has been the improvement of some of the youngsters that has sent them in the right direction. Since being recalled from Triple A- Omaha at the beginning of June, 24-year-old third-baseman Mark Teahen has raised his average 80 points and hit seven home runs to tie Reggie Sanders for the team lead (9). Since recovering from an early hamstring injury, 26-year-old outfielder David Dejesus has raised his batting average to .309 and his on-base percentage to nearly .400. Meanwhile, 26-year-old catcher Jon Buck is ahead of the league averages for catchers in both home runs (4) and RBI (18) with 8 and 31, respectively.
The season could go in several directions from this point, but opportunities to support optimism with actual results are always welcome.
Best moment (x)2...
The annual ESPN award show, the ESPYs, aired Sunday night and included many light-hearted moments, from host Lance Armstrong cracking jokes to actor Will Ferrell breaking into song. Nevertheless, it was an award and the ensuing acceptance speech that made the most-lasting mark. Jason McElwain received the “best-moment” award for coming off the bench to score 20 points in the final four minutes of a high school basketball game.
McElwain, an autistic teenager from New York, cheered in excitement when his name was announced, hugged his family and gave an acceptance speech that served as a reminder of the joy sports can bring to someone’s life. As is the case with the replay of Jimmy Valvano’s speech at the 1993 ESPYs, I may or may not have “had something in my eye” by the time McElwain’s moment was through.
46 days and counting...
It can be disappointing to think that summer is passing quickly (aside from escaping heat that could make a cactus sweat), but with summer subsiding, fall football season draws closer. There is just a month-and-a-half, only 46 days, until the Ron Prince era at Kansas State University officially begins with the opener against Illinois State.
There are still a number of unknowns heading into the season, with Prince stating in the spring that nearly all starting jobs are up for grabs. Even the K-State backfield looks murky at this point. The quarterback position still appears to be a four-man race with Allan Evridge, Josh Freeman, Dylan Meier and Allen Webb, while runningback could come down to a choice of Carlos Alsup, Thomas Clayton or junior-college transfer James Johnson.
One thing that is certain regarding the 2006 Wildcats - they will have something to prove. They are being picked to finish fifth or sixth in the Big 12 North in several publications. It will be up to Prince, his staff, and the Wildcats on the gridiron to prove the critics wrong and return to the postseason.
How will the Wildcats fare this season? Naturally, that is a topic for another time.
Now excuse me while I attempt to invent a portable air conditioner.
Writer: It’s hot.
Readers: How hot is it?
Writer: It’s so hot that I caught my oven cracking the freezer door open to keep cool. It’s so hot that bank thermometer has resorted to showing a frowny face instead of a temperature reading.
It’s so hot that I’ve decided to begin a column by imitating a lousy stand-up comedian with a series of horribly unfunny jokes.
Anyway, here are the thoughts that have been occupying my mind when I’m not pondering whether people would laugh at me for appearing in public with bags of ice taped to my limbs.
Royal turnaround...
When is a 32-60 overall record a reason be excited? When you’re a fan of a team that opened the Major League Baseball season by winning as often as a blackjack player that can’t comprehend basic arithmetic.
With a 32-60 record, the Kansas City Royals have the same record as the 2005 team at this point in the season. Granted, the Royals lost 106 games last season, but the point is that Dayton Moore’s crew is no longer on pace to set a new record for futility.
On top of that, it has been the improvement of some of the youngsters that has sent them in the right direction. Since being recalled from Triple A- Omaha at the beginning of June, 24-year-old third-baseman Mark Teahen has raised his average 80 points and hit seven home runs to tie Reggie Sanders for the team lead (9). Since recovering from an early hamstring injury, 26-year-old outfielder David Dejesus has raised his batting average to .309 and his on-base percentage to nearly .400. Meanwhile, 26-year-old catcher Jon Buck is ahead of the league averages for catchers in both home runs (4) and RBI (18) with 8 and 31, respectively.
The season could go in several directions from this point, but opportunities to support optimism with actual results are always welcome.
Best moment (x)2...
The annual ESPN award show, the ESPYs, aired Sunday night and included many light-hearted moments, from host Lance Armstrong cracking jokes to actor Will Ferrell breaking into song. Nevertheless, it was an award and the ensuing acceptance speech that made the most-lasting mark. Jason McElwain received the “best-moment” award for coming off the bench to score 20 points in the final four minutes of a high school basketball game.
McElwain, an autistic teenager from New York, cheered in excitement when his name was announced, hugged his family and gave an acceptance speech that served as a reminder of the joy sports can bring to someone’s life. As is the case with the replay of Jimmy Valvano’s speech at the 1993 ESPYs, I may or may not have “had something in my eye” by the time McElwain’s moment was through.
46 days and counting...
It can be disappointing to think that summer is passing quickly (aside from escaping heat that could make a cactus sweat), but with summer subsiding, fall football season draws closer. There is just a month-and-a-half, only 46 days, until the Ron Prince era at Kansas State University officially begins with the opener against Illinois State.
There are still a number of unknowns heading into the season, with Prince stating in the spring that nearly all starting jobs are up for grabs. Even the K-State backfield looks murky at this point. The quarterback position still appears to be a four-man race with Allan Evridge, Josh Freeman, Dylan Meier and Allen Webb, while runningback could come down to a choice of Carlos Alsup, Thomas Clayton or junior-college transfer James Johnson.
One thing that is certain regarding the 2006 Wildcats - they will have something to prove. They are being picked to finish fifth or sixth in the Big 12 North in several publications. It will be up to Prince, his staff, and the Wildcats on the gridiron to prove the critics wrong and return to the postseason.
How will the Wildcats fare this season? Naturally, that is a topic for another time.
Now excuse me while I attempt to invent a portable air conditioner.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Sports Fan Bill of Rights...
In honor of Independence Day...
The Fourth of July.
Independence Day.
The mere mention of the day provides memories of fireworks, barbecues, and parades, all in the celebration of our freedom. As Americans, we have freedom of speech and freedom of religion along with many other luxuries that can be taken for granted in today's society.
Likewise, American sports fans also have several rights, but it struck me that there is no official listing of these rights to refer to. There is no Bill of Rights for the American sports fan. Thus, I feel it is up to me to explain some of the most basic rights of sports fans here today.
- The right to vote for anyone without worrying about the next four years
I'm not referring to politics here, but to elections for professional All-Star games. While the name of the contest may suggest that only the best and brightest of a particular sports would be entered, sports fans have the right to choose any player in the league on their ballot. And if the name isn't there? Write it in.
Even players who aren't active can make the roster. In 1992, Magic Johnson was voted in as a starter for the Western Conference All-Star game, despite having retired from the NBA in November 1991 and not having played in a single game that season. He played in the All-Star game and won the MVP with 25 points and nine assists.
- The right to be hopelessly optimistic
Are you a fan of a Major League Baseball team that has lost over 100 games in two straight seasons and added nothing but veterans who were never considered elite players in the offseason? Write a column and pick the team to finish third in its division. It may make you look like a fool, but you'll be a fool that is still able to enjoy the wins the team does pick up while in the comfort of your own home.
- The right to speak highly of an athlete you have never seen
In athletics today, the word "potential" is thrown around as often as the word "ouch" in a knife juggling class. It is the right of every sports fan to brag about any five-star recruit your favorite college team may sign, using terms like "4.4 40" or "42-inch vertical" as acceptable support for your argument. It does not matter if you have never seen this athlete, and you have no visual evidence that he can even put his shoes on the right feet.
- The right to associate yourself in an inaccurate manner
"I can't believe we lost that game," said Joe Schmo, the unemployed Betamax repair man.
When did Mr. Schmo sign a contract with the local professional football team? Why is he still driving that 1978 Pinto if he is now a professional athlete?
Mr. Schmo may have put on a football helmet in his life. He might not be able to throw the pigskin farther than a cricket can jump, but he can refer to his favorite football team as if it were his wife and kids without any consequences whatsoever.
With these rights in place, questions may now arise concerning what actions in the sports world do result in consequences. The answers lie in another column.
For now, enjoy that stud (runningback/point guard/pitcher) you signed. Although I have never seen (him/her) play, I hear (he/she) (runs faster than the wind/has the court vision of an eagle/throws a wicked slider). (He/She) will probably (scored 30 touchdowns/average 14 assists per game/throw three no-hitters) next year.
The Fourth of July.
Independence Day.
The mere mention of the day provides memories of fireworks, barbecues, and parades, all in the celebration of our freedom. As Americans, we have freedom of speech and freedom of religion along with many other luxuries that can be taken for granted in today's society.
Likewise, American sports fans also have several rights, but it struck me that there is no official listing of these rights to refer to. There is no Bill of Rights for the American sports fan. Thus, I feel it is up to me to explain some of the most basic rights of sports fans here today.
- The right to vote for anyone without worrying about the next four years
I'm not referring to politics here, but to elections for professional All-Star games. While the name of the contest may suggest that only the best and brightest of a particular sports would be entered, sports fans have the right to choose any player in the league on their ballot. And if the name isn't there? Write it in.
Even players who aren't active can make the roster. In 1992, Magic Johnson was voted in as a starter for the Western Conference All-Star game, despite having retired from the NBA in November 1991 and not having played in a single game that season. He played in the All-Star game and won the MVP with 25 points and nine assists.
- The right to be hopelessly optimistic
Are you a fan of a Major League Baseball team that has lost over 100 games in two straight seasons and added nothing but veterans who were never considered elite players in the offseason? Write a column and pick the team to finish third in its division. It may make you look like a fool, but you'll be a fool that is still able to enjoy the wins the team does pick up while in the comfort of your own home.
- The right to speak highly of an athlete you have never seen
In athletics today, the word "potential" is thrown around as often as the word "ouch" in a knife juggling class. It is the right of every sports fan to brag about any five-star recruit your favorite college team may sign, using terms like "4.4 40" or "42-inch vertical" as acceptable support for your argument. It does not matter if you have never seen this athlete, and you have no visual evidence that he can even put his shoes on the right feet.
- The right to associate yourself in an inaccurate manner
"I can't believe we lost that game," said Joe Schmo, the unemployed Betamax repair man.
When did Mr. Schmo sign a contract with the local professional football team? Why is he still driving that 1978 Pinto if he is now a professional athlete?
Mr. Schmo may have put on a football helmet in his life. He might not be able to throw the pigskin farther than a cricket can jump, but he can refer to his favorite football team as if it were his wife and kids without any consequences whatsoever.
With these rights in place, questions may now arise concerning what actions in the sports world do result in consequences. The answers lie in another column.
For now, enjoy that stud (runningback/point guard/pitcher) you signed. Although I have never seen (him/her) play, I hear (he/she) (runs faster than the wind/has the court vision of an eagle/throws a wicked slider). (He/She) will probably (scored 30 touchdowns/average 14 assists per game/throw three no-hitters) next year.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
NBA Draft...
Here's a column a wrote Tuesday, concerning Wednesday night's draft. The predictions are all horribly off, except for the one about the Knicks at the very end... Then again, it's really too easy to make fun of the Knicks.
Back in April, I revealed that I pay entirely too much attention to the NFL Draft. It is now June 28, the day of the 2006 NBA Draft, and I have another confession: My obsession with the NBA Draft is just as severe as that of the football variety.
Why pay that much attention to a draft that often focuses more on potential than on achievements and which does not involve a team in any local media market? For one, the smaller talent pool (cozy 12-man rosters in the NBA compared to massive 53-man rosters in the NFL) makes it easier to keep track of players and attempt to predict potential “busts” (a player drafter higher than he should have been, i.e. Michael Olowokandi, No. 1 in 1998) or steals (a player drafted lower than he should have been, i.e. Gilbert Arenas, No. 31 in 2001).
With that in my, I’m offering my predictions for the first 10 picks of the draft. Now I don’t necessarily think like an NBA general manager (I couldn’t have drafted Darko Mililic ahead of Carmelo Anthony and Dwyane Wade), so the actual draft results may seem less reasonable than these predictions.
1. Toronto Raptors - LaMarcus Aldridge, Texas. What do the Raptors need? A point guard worthy of the top pick. What does this draft lack? A point guard worthy of the top pick. I see the Raptors trading down to draft a point guard, while also picking up a veteran swingman.
2. Chicago Bulls - Tyrus Thomas, LSU. The Bulls will bring in Thomas to pair with Tyson Chandler in the Chicago front-court, creating one of the top shot-blocking combinations in the league.
3. Charlotte Bobcats - Brandon Roy, Washington. The Bobcats need a scoring guard, and former-Huskie Roy will provide that.
4. Portland Trailblazers - Andrea Bargnani, Italy. He’s a seven-foot European with strong 3-point shot, which means he’s drawing comparisons to Dallas’ Dirk Nowitzki. Does he deserve them? It’s tough to say... but Portland will take the gamble.
5. Atlanta Hawks - Marcus Williams, Connecticut. The Hawks roster is seemingly overloaded with swingmen, but lacking a top-flight big man. Connect the dots and you’ll realize this is a good fit for a trade with the Raptors. Perhaps Josh Childress and the No. 5 pick (in this case, Williams) for Toronto’s No. 1 (Aldridge) and a future pick.
6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Rudy Gay, Connecticut. After descending from the Western Conference finals in 2004 to the depths of the Northwest division in 2006, the Timberwolves are in need of many things, including a point guard, but Gay is too talented to pass up at this point.
7. Boston Celtics - Patrick O’Bryant, Bradley. The Celtics are thin at center, and O’Bryant came on strong in Bradley’s NCAA Tournament run. Kansas Jayhawk fans will be torn between cheering against O’Bryant and cheering for former-Jayhawk-current-Celtic Paul Pierce.
8. Houston Rockets - Adam Morrison, Gonzaga. How does Morrison, one of the top scorers in recent NCAA history, drop this far? There’s no crying in basketball... none. Or it may be because he’s entering a draft where athleticism is highly valued, and he isn’t exactly oozing it. He’ll be a good fit in Houston, where he can spot up on the perimeter when Tracy McGrady or Yao Ming draw double-teams.
9. Golden State Warriors - Randy Foye, Villanova. The Warriors will pick the Wildcat point guard as insurance for current starter Baron Davis, who missed 28 games due to injury last season.
10. Seattle Supersonics - Shelden Williams, Duke. The Sonics will try to add depth in the post with the four-year Blue Devil.
As for the final 50 picks, expect plenty of underclassmen, plenty of players from overseas, and a couple head-scratching moves by the New York Knicks’ president/general manager/coach/undertaker Isiah Thomas.
Back in April, I revealed that I pay entirely too much attention to the NFL Draft. It is now June 28, the day of the 2006 NBA Draft, and I have another confession: My obsession with the NBA Draft is just as severe as that of the football variety.
Why pay that much attention to a draft that often focuses more on potential than on achievements and which does not involve a team in any local media market? For one, the smaller talent pool (cozy 12-man rosters in the NBA compared to massive 53-man rosters in the NFL) makes it easier to keep track of players and attempt to predict potential “busts” (a player drafter higher than he should have been, i.e. Michael Olowokandi, No. 1 in 1998) or steals (a player drafted lower than he should have been, i.e. Gilbert Arenas, No. 31 in 2001).
With that in my, I’m offering my predictions for the first 10 picks of the draft. Now I don’t necessarily think like an NBA general manager (I couldn’t have drafted Darko Mililic ahead of Carmelo Anthony and Dwyane Wade), so the actual draft results may seem less reasonable than these predictions.
1. Toronto Raptors - LaMarcus Aldridge, Texas. What do the Raptors need? A point guard worthy of the top pick. What does this draft lack? A point guard worthy of the top pick. I see the Raptors trading down to draft a point guard, while also picking up a veteran swingman.
2. Chicago Bulls - Tyrus Thomas, LSU. The Bulls will bring in Thomas to pair with Tyson Chandler in the Chicago front-court, creating one of the top shot-blocking combinations in the league.
3. Charlotte Bobcats - Brandon Roy, Washington. The Bobcats need a scoring guard, and former-Huskie Roy will provide that.
4. Portland Trailblazers - Andrea Bargnani, Italy. He’s a seven-foot European with strong 3-point shot, which means he’s drawing comparisons to Dallas’ Dirk Nowitzki. Does he deserve them? It’s tough to say... but Portland will take the gamble.
5. Atlanta Hawks - Marcus Williams, Connecticut. The Hawks roster is seemingly overloaded with swingmen, but lacking a top-flight big man. Connect the dots and you’ll realize this is a good fit for a trade with the Raptors. Perhaps Josh Childress and the No. 5 pick (in this case, Williams) for Toronto’s No. 1 (Aldridge) and a future pick.
6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Rudy Gay, Connecticut. After descending from the Western Conference finals in 2004 to the depths of the Northwest division in 2006, the Timberwolves are in need of many things, including a point guard, but Gay is too talented to pass up at this point.
7. Boston Celtics - Patrick O’Bryant, Bradley. The Celtics are thin at center, and O’Bryant came on strong in Bradley’s NCAA Tournament run. Kansas Jayhawk fans will be torn between cheering against O’Bryant and cheering for former-Jayhawk-current-Celtic Paul Pierce.
8. Houston Rockets - Adam Morrison, Gonzaga. How does Morrison, one of the top scorers in recent NCAA history, drop this far? There’s no crying in basketball... none. Or it may be because he’s entering a draft where athleticism is highly valued, and he isn’t exactly oozing it. He’ll be a good fit in Houston, where he can spot up on the perimeter when Tracy McGrady or Yao Ming draw double-teams.
9. Golden State Warriors - Randy Foye, Villanova. The Warriors will pick the Wildcat point guard as insurance for current starter Baron Davis, who missed 28 games due to injury last season.
10. Seattle Supersonics - Shelden Williams, Duke. The Sonics will try to add depth in the post with the four-year Blue Devil.
As for the final 50 picks, expect plenty of underclassmen, plenty of players from overseas, and a couple head-scratching moves by the New York Knicks’ president/general manager/coach/undertaker Isiah Thomas.
Friday, June 23, 2006
NBA Finals...
This is a column I wrote a couple weeks back, concerning the NBA Finals. Its significance? I actually made a correct prediction... Amazing...
The NBA Finals are currently underway, with game two of the series between the Dallas Mavericks and the Miami Heat set for tonight. The series is compelling for a number of reasons, with one of the most prominent being that it is the first NBA Finals appearance for either franchise (believe it or not, the Mavericks of Popeye Jones' heyday never made it to the sport's biggest stage).
With match-ups in mind, I will dissect the battles at each position on the floor to ultimately discover who will be NBA Champions when the series is over.
Point guard - Jason Terry and Devin Harris vs. Jason Williams and Gary Payton
If the battle relied on name recognition only, the Heat would trump the Mavericks. Unfortunately for Miami, Jason Williams (no, not the one who played for the Bulls and wrecked his motorcycle, and not the one who played for the Nets and was accused of shooting a limo driver) has always been known more for style than substance, and Payton is now a 37-year-old version of the player with hall of fame credentials who seemed to be running on his last legs two years ago.
For the Mavericks, Terry stepped up big in the opening game of the series, leading the Mavericks with 32 points. Meanwhile, Harris, the second-year player from Wisconsin, showed his value earlier in the playoffs racking up four-straight 15-plus point games against the San Antonio spurs.
Advantage- Mavericks
Shooting guard - Jerry Stackhouse and Adrian Griffin vs. Dwyane Wade and anyone
With apologies to the Mavericks, this argument ends with the mere mention of the former Marquette star Wade. He may be in just his third NBA season, but Wade has already drawn comparisons to six-time Finals MVP Michael Jordan. It's difficult to place any player in Jordan's league, but Wade has seemingly taken the title of Heat MVP from Shaquille O'Neal.
Advantage- Heat
Small forward - Josh Howard and Marquis Daniels vs. Antoine Walker and James Posey
Third-year player Howard averaged over 15 points per game this season, while Daniels has seen limited minutes. For the Heat, Walker has shot 34-percent from behind the arc in the playoffs, and Posey provides the team energy off the bench.
Advantage- None
Power forward - Dirk Nowitzki and Keith Van Horn vs. Udonis Haslem and Walker
Another argument that ends quickly. Despite the seemingly crippling notion of an NBA star being a fan of David Hasselhoff, Nowitzki has built a strong "Nowitzki for MVP" case throughout the playoffs by scoring under 20 points in just two of the Mavericks' 18 games. He has also made Milwaukee Bucks fans further rue the day the franchise traded his rights for the rights to Robert "Tractor" Traylor.
Advantage - Mavericks
Center - DeSagana Diop and Erick Dampier vs. Shaquille O'Neal and Alonzo Mourning
O'Neal may be aging and not near the dominant force he once was, but he is still one of the top centers in the league, and too much for former lottery-busts Diop and Dampier. Mourning further tilts the scale in Miami's direction, adding scoring and a defensive presence off the bench.
Advantage- Heat
Examination of the positions on the floor leads to a stalemate, so who will win the 2006 NBA Finals? Miami in six games.
Why?
Mavericks' owner Mark Cuban has become as identifiable as many of his players because of his quotes and antics. He has been fined numerous times by the NBA, and commissioner David Stern might resign before handing him the Larry O'Brien Trophy.
And honestly, if the Mavericks couldn't win with Popeye, who can they win with?
The NBA Finals are currently underway, with game two of the series between the Dallas Mavericks and the Miami Heat set for tonight. The series is compelling for a number of reasons, with one of the most prominent being that it is the first NBA Finals appearance for either franchise (believe it or not, the Mavericks of Popeye Jones' heyday never made it to the sport's biggest stage).
With match-ups in mind, I will dissect the battles at each position on the floor to ultimately discover who will be NBA Champions when the series is over.
Point guard - Jason Terry and Devin Harris vs. Jason Williams and Gary Payton
If the battle relied on name recognition only, the Heat would trump the Mavericks. Unfortunately for Miami, Jason Williams (no, not the one who played for the Bulls and wrecked his motorcycle, and not the one who played for the Nets and was accused of shooting a limo driver) has always been known more for style than substance, and Payton is now a 37-year-old version of the player with hall of fame credentials who seemed to be running on his last legs two years ago.
For the Mavericks, Terry stepped up big in the opening game of the series, leading the Mavericks with 32 points. Meanwhile, Harris, the second-year player from Wisconsin, showed his value earlier in the playoffs racking up four-straight 15-plus point games against the San Antonio spurs.
Advantage- Mavericks
Shooting guard - Jerry Stackhouse and Adrian Griffin vs. Dwyane Wade and anyone
With apologies to the Mavericks, this argument ends with the mere mention of the former Marquette star Wade. He may be in just his third NBA season, but Wade has already drawn comparisons to six-time Finals MVP Michael Jordan. It's difficult to place any player in Jordan's league, but Wade has seemingly taken the title of Heat MVP from Shaquille O'Neal.
Advantage- Heat
Small forward - Josh Howard and Marquis Daniels vs. Antoine Walker and James Posey
Third-year player Howard averaged over 15 points per game this season, while Daniels has seen limited minutes. For the Heat, Walker has shot 34-percent from behind the arc in the playoffs, and Posey provides the team energy off the bench.
Advantage- None
Power forward - Dirk Nowitzki and Keith Van Horn vs. Udonis Haslem and Walker
Another argument that ends quickly. Despite the seemingly crippling notion of an NBA star being a fan of David Hasselhoff, Nowitzki has built a strong "Nowitzki for MVP" case throughout the playoffs by scoring under 20 points in just two of the Mavericks' 18 games. He has also made Milwaukee Bucks fans further rue the day the franchise traded his rights for the rights to Robert "Tractor" Traylor.
Advantage - Mavericks
Center - DeSagana Diop and Erick Dampier vs. Shaquille O'Neal and Alonzo Mourning
O'Neal may be aging and not near the dominant force he once was, but he is still one of the top centers in the league, and too much for former lottery-busts Diop and Dampier. Mourning further tilts the scale in Miami's direction, adding scoring and a defensive presence off the bench.
Advantage- Heat
Examination of the positions on the floor leads to a stalemate, so who will win the 2006 NBA Finals? Miami in six games.
Why?
Mavericks' owner Mark Cuban has become as identifiable as many of his players because of his quotes and antics. He has been fined numerous times by the NBA, and commissioner David Stern might resign before handing him the Larry O'Brien Trophy.
And honestly, if the Mavericks couldn't win with Popeye, who can they win with?
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Snakes... where you might not expect...
I wrote this in my first semester of college. It's ridiculous... but true. It's even a double-whammy, as you get a Derek Larson Original poem towards the end. If anyone is going to think less of me for anything I have written, this is probably the piece. Oddly enough, the teacher for this course absolutely loved it...
(Note: the high school english teacher's name has been changed to protect the innocent)...
(Note: the high school english teacher's name has been changed to protect the innocent)...
Let The Snake Lead You
I leaned back in my desk; head tilted back, eyes towards the ceiling. I was in my freshman English class, sitting through a grueling period of my classmates reading their poetry. One of my female classmates was reading the haiku poem she had created,
“The rain falls outside,
It is filling up the ditch,
My goat swims in it”
“What the heck was that,” I asked Weston, my best friend. “I know it meets the requirements, but still, how could you want to associate your name with a boring poem like that one.”
“I know, if you know that your classmates will hear it you should at least attempt to entertain them,” he replied.
“Derek, Weston, do you have something share with the class, instead of just between yourselves,” screeched Mrs. X, who many students considered to be the devil in teacher form.
“Uh, no thanks, we’re fine,” I quickly answered to avoid any more persecution. “I’m gonna make a poem that will keep everyone’s attention,” I told myself under my breath.
This thought plagued my mind throughout the rest of the day. What can I write about that will be outrageous enough to entertain, but real enough to not seem totally ridiculous? I pondered this through my next two classes that day, and even through football practice after school (I was a freshman; we never did anything in practice).
While watching TV that night, an idea struck me like a semi hitting a heifer. I decided to write about one of my greatest fears as a child. It was a pretty outrageous fear, but it was a possible fear nonetheless, so it had to be somewhat real.
As a child I was always careful to check the toilet bowl for snakes before I sat down. More periodic checking would occasionally follow this; to make sure none had swam in while I was sitting there. I don’t know what on earth created this fear, because I have never seen a snake sitting in a toilet, but that’s beside the point.
When I sat down to write, the poem flowed off my pen like I had written it a thousand times before. I had it finished in no time. I kept reading it over to make sure there was nothing I could change to make it better, but there wasn’t. I loved it just the way it was.
I arrived at school the next day and showed it to Weston. “You have got to read this!”
He began reading and burst into laughter about halfway through, “Dude, this is awesome,” he remarked. “It’s almost on par with the swimming goat poem,” he added sarcastically.
“I only wish I could write that well,” I replied.
I went into English class second hour and sat through a few more boring poems. As I listened I observed the body language of my other classmates. Some sat slack-jawed with their eyes glazed over, others with heads lying on their desks, covered with their arms. I could tell they weren’t interested at all. That was about to change.
“Derek, did you finish your poem?” inquired Mrs. X.
“Yes, I did.”
“Well, then go ahead and share it.”
“Alright, the title is Stool of Fears.”
I then proceeded to unleash my masterpiece,
When I sit on the toilet,
I often wonder,
If I have made,
A critical blunder;
If just by chance,
Down in the pipes,
Lies a green water snake,
With brown and black stripes;
And while I’m up there,
Doing my duty,
He’ll slither on up,
And take a piece of my booty;
I’ll scream like a bird,
Mauled by a gator,
All because,
I couldn’t hold it ‘til later;
And no one will know,
The cause of my death,
Was a slimy water snake,
With toilet-bowl breath.
I leaned back in my desk; head tilted back, eyes towards the ceiling. I was in my freshman English class, sitting through a grueling period of my classmates reading their poetry. One of my female classmates was reading the haiku poem she had created,
“The rain falls outside,
It is filling up the ditch,
My goat swims in it”
“What the heck was that,” I asked Weston, my best friend. “I know it meets the requirements, but still, how could you want to associate your name with a boring poem like that one.”
“I know, if you know that your classmates will hear it you should at least attempt to entertain them,” he replied.
“Derek, Weston, do you have something share with the class, instead of just between yourselves,” screeched Mrs. X, who many students considered to be the devil in teacher form.
“Uh, no thanks, we’re fine,” I quickly answered to avoid any more persecution. “I’m gonna make a poem that will keep everyone’s attention,” I told myself under my breath.
This thought plagued my mind throughout the rest of the day. What can I write about that will be outrageous enough to entertain, but real enough to not seem totally ridiculous? I pondered this through my next two classes that day, and even through football practice after school (I was a freshman; we never did anything in practice).
While watching TV that night, an idea struck me like a semi hitting a heifer. I decided to write about one of my greatest fears as a child. It was a pretty outrageous fear, but it was a possible fear nonetheless, so it had to be somewhat real.
As a child I was always careful to check the toilet bowl for snakes before I sat down. More periodic checking would occasionally follow this; to make sure none had swam in while I was sitting there. I don’t know what on earth created this fear, because I have never seen a snake sitting in a toilet, but that’s beside the point.
When I sat down to write, the poem flowed off my pen like I had written it a thousand times before. I had it finished in no time. I kept reading it over to make sure there was nothing I could change to make it better, but there wasn’t. I loved it just the way it was.
I arrived at school the next day and showed it to Weston. “You have got to read this!”
He began reading and burst into laughter about halfway through, “Dude, this is awesome,” he remarked. “It’s almost on par with the swimming goat poem,” he added sarcastically.
“I only wish I could write that well,” I replied.
I went into English class second hour and sat through a few more boring poems. As I listened I observed the body language of my other classmates. Some sat slack-jawed with their eyes glazed over, others with heads lying on their desks, covered with their arms. I could tell they weren’t interested at all. That was about to change.
“Derek, did you finish your poem?” inquired Mrs. X.
“Yes, I did.”
“Well, then go ahead and share it.”
“Alright, the title is Stool of Fears.”
I then proceeded to unleash my masterpiece,
When I sit on the toilet,
I often wonder,
If I have made,
A critical blunder;
If just by chance,
Down in the pipes,
Lies a green water snake,
With brown and black stripes;
And while I’m up there,
Doing my duty,
He’ll slither on up,
And take a piece of my booty;
I’ll scream like a bird,
Mauled by a gator,
All because,
I couldn’t hold it ‘til later;
And no one will know,
The cause of my death,
Was a slimy water snake,
With toilet-bowl breath.
I finished reading and glanced around the room. Some of my classmates were merely smiling, others giggling, and others laughing heartily. Mrs. Xjust sat shaking her head. I had succeeded, I had made poetry entertaining.
Sedalia Community Church story...
This is a feature I wrote on the Sedalia Community Church and how it transitioned from a college party site to a weekly center for worship once again. Pretty interesting if you have never heard the story...
Bell Raisers
While it is not uncommon for Greek organizations to give back to the community, in 1964 the K-State Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity did so in a rather round-about fashion. It was through an act of vandalism that an old stone church gained vital repairs, a community regained a center of worship, and a strong bond was formed between one institution focused on the fraternizing of young men and another focused on the faith and fellowship of people young and old.
The Sedalia Community Church, as it is now known, was not an impressive site in 1964. While the limestone foundation that was originally constructed in 1899 remained fairly solid, the interior had come to more closely resemble a junkyard than a sanctuary. The church had become an increasingly popular site for college parties since closing in 1948, which left windows broken and beer cans littering the property.
The one symbol of continuity for the church was the church bell. Although the retrieval of the bell had become the obsession of many fraternities at K-State, the fact remained that none had been able to get the huge bell down from the belfry.
That all changed, late one April night.
After hearing many accounts of failed attempts at getting the church bell out of the belfry, 15 members of the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity decided that they were up to the task, according to a letter written by one fraternity member to the members of the church years after the incident.
The young men had “found their courage” at Kites Bar and Grill earlier in the evening and drove out to the small church seven miles northwest of Manhattan.
After arriving at the church and climbing up an electrical cord into the belfry, the letter writer had his first up-close look at the bell, which weighed around 1,000 pounds.
“The bell was big! I mean it looked really big,” the author said.
After recovering from the initial shock of the daunting size of the bell, the letter writer and a fraternity brother had to approach the problem that had terminated so many previous attempts: getting the bell to the ground without toppling the entire steeple.
“I was almost ready to give up, until I noticed that the wagon-type wheel used to rock the bell was still attached,” he said.
The two young men used the wheel to their benefit and rocked the bell right out of the belfry and to the ground 30 feet below. On its plunge to the ground, the bell took with it a two foot section from the corner of the roof and “hit the ground with a thud that shook the whole church,” he said.
Thinking they were home free, the two fraternity members admired their work from above, until noticing a car with red flashing lights on top coming down the road towards the church. While their fraternity brothers were free to take off running, the two in the steeple had nowhere to go but down. Choosing health over humility, they chose to lie on the belfry floor, as opposed to leaping out of the steeple.
“We laid down on the belfry floor, which consisted of about four inches of a forty or so year accumulation of wet pigeon droppings,” the letter writer said.
As it turned out, the stealth displayed in lying in pigeon filth was all for naught. The approaching vehicle had not been the police, but fellow fraternity members out to play a prank on their brothers.
The Sigma Phi Epsilon brothers returned to their fraternity in the wee hours of the morning, with the bell in tow. Feeling great pride and accomplishment in completing this arduous task that so many others had failed at, they proceeded to “ring the ‘hell’ out of the bell” in victory, the letter author said.
Unfortunately that triumphant feeling did not last long. The following day they received a call from their fraternity advisor, detailing the dire situation they had gotten themselves into. Some members of the Sedalia Community had noticed the bell missing and contacted the police. The bell had been located at the fraternity house and potential felony charges, including possible jail time, awaited the 15 young men.
After a period of negotiations between the fraternity and the church board, it was decided that instead of serving time in prison the fraternity brothers would dedicate their time and effort to restoring the church.
For four weeks, long hours in the afternoons and on weekends were spent cleaning the church and its grounds, repairing walls, windows and floors, and returning the half-ton bell to the belfry.
The restoration project culminated in a service held at the church sponsored by the fraternity. Many community members, as well as other attendees from as far away as Topeka, found the transformation to be nothing short of miraculous.
The young men had “taken an ugly plant and turned it into a beautiful bud,” said community member Viola Dodge.
The bud proceeded to bloom in following weeks.
With necessary repairs finally complete and a large altar bible donated to the church by the members of Sigma Phi Epsilon, regular weekly services started anew and have continued to this day.
Currently, Sedalia Community Church holds two services each Sunday with an average weekly attendance around 120. Lay minister Kevin Larson currently fills the pulpit, and has for the past 17 years.
Larson, as well as many members of the church, holds the act of vandalism committed on the spring night in faithful reverence. The event is even briefly recounted on the back of the weekly church bulletin.
“The fact that an initially negative act could have positive repercussions on so many people is truly an act of God,” Larson said.
The infamous bell still hangs in the belfry of the old stone church and rings out at the beginning of each church service.
While the ringing of a bell can signify many events; the beginning of a boxing match, the ending of a school day, the pealing of the bell at Sedalia holds a truly symbolic meaning. With each toll, the bell reminds all around that dire situations can turn quickly, and sometimes in mysterious ways.
Bell Raisers
While it is not uncommon for Greek organizations to give back to the community, in 1964 the K-State Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity did so in a rather round-about fashion. It was through an act of vandalism that an old stone church gained vital repairs, a community regained a center of worship, and a strong bond was formed between one institution focused on the fraternizing of young men and another focused on the faith and fellowship of people young and old.
The Sedalia Community Church, as it is now known, was not an impressive site in 1964. While the limestone foundation that was originally constructed in 1899 remained fairly solid, the interior had come to more closely resemble a junkyard than a sanctuary. The church had become an increasingly popular site for college parties since closing in 1948, which left windows broken and beer cans littering the property.
The one symbol of continuity for the church was the church bell. Although the retrieval of the bell had become the obsession of many fraternities at K-State, the fact remained that none had been able to get the huge bell down from the belfry.
That all changed, late one April night.
After hearing many accounts of failed attempts at getting the church bell out of the belfry, 15 members of the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity decided that they were up to the task, according to a letter written by one fraternity member to the members of the church years after the incident.
The young men had “found their courage” at Kites Bar and Grill earlier in the evening and drove out to the small church seven miles northwest of Manhattan.
After arriving at the church and climbing up an electrical cord into the belfry, the letter writer had his first up-close look at the bell, which weighed around 1,000 pounds.
“The bell was big! I mean it looked really big,” the author said.
After recovering from the initial shock of the daunting size of the bell, the letter writer and a fraternity brother had to approach the problem that had terminated so many previous attempts: getting the bell to the ground without toppling the entire steeple.
“I was almost ready to give up, until I noticed that the wagon-type wheel used to rock the bell was still attached,” he said.
The two young men used the wheel to their benefit and rocked the bell right out of the belfry and to the ground 30 feet below. On its plunge to the ground, the bell took with it a two foot section from the corner of the roof and “hit the ground with a thud that shook the whole church,” he said.
Thinking they were home free, the two fraternity members admired their work from above, until noticing a car with red flashing lights on top coming down the road towards the church. While their fraternity brothers were free to take off running, the two in the steeple had nowhere to go but down. Choosing health over humility, they chose to lie on the belfry floor, as opposed to leaping out of the steeple.
“We laid down on the belfry floor, which consisted of about four inches of a forty or so year accumulation of wet pigeon droppings,” the letter writer said.
As it turned out, the stealth displayed in lying in pigeon filth was all for naught. The approaching vehicle had not been the police, but fellow fraternity members out to play a prank on their brothers.
The Sigma Phi Epsilon brothers returned to their fraternity in the wee hours of the morning, with the bell in tow. Feeling great pride and accomplishment in completing this arduous task that so many others had failed at, they proceeded to “ring the ‘hell’ out of the bell” in victory, the letter author said.
Unfortunately that triumphant feeling did not last long. The following day they received a call from their fraternity advisor, detailing the dire situation they had gotten themselves into. Some members of the Sedalia Community had noticed the bell missing and contacted the police. The bell had been located at the fraternity house and potential felony charges, including possible jail time, awaited the 15 young men.
After a period of negotiations between the fraternity and the church board, it was decided that instead of serving time in prison the fraternity brothers would dedicate their time and effort to restoring the church.
For four weeks, long hours in the afternoons and on weekends were spent cleaning the church and its grounds, repairing walls, windows and floors, and returning the half-ton bell to the belfry.
The restoration project culminated in a service held at the church sponsored by the fraternity. Many community members, as well as other attendees from as far away as Topeka, found the transformation to be nothing short of miraculous.
The young men had “taken an ugly plant and turned it into a beautiful bud,” said community member Viola Dodge.
The bud proceeded to bloom in following weeks.
With necessary repairs finally complete and a large altar bible donated to the church by the members of Sigma Phi Epsilon, regular weekly services started anew and have continued to this day.
Currently, Sedalia Community Church holds two services each Sunday with an average weekly attendance around 120. Lay minister Kevin Larson currently fills the pulpit, and has for the past 17 years.
Larson, as well as many members of the church, holds the act of vandalism committed on the spring night in faithful reverence. The event is even briefly recounted on the back of the weekly church bulletin.
“The fact that an initially negative act could have positive repercussions on so many people is truly an act of God,” Larson said.
The infamous bell still hangs in the belfry of the old stone church and rings out at the beginning of each church service.
While the ringing of a bell can signify many events; the beginning of a boxing match, the ending of a school day, the pealing of the bell at Sedalia holds a truly symbolic meaning. With each toll, the bell reminds all around that dire situations can turn quickly, and sometimes in mysterious ways.
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