Life is filled with a number of great debates. Pepsi or Coke? Paper or plastic? Which came first: the chicken or the egg? Such questions can be so mind-boggling that they keep people up at night, wracking their minds for a solution.
My friends, you can all rest easy, for I have found the answer to it all – Google. For those that are unaware (folks raised by lemurs, and such), Google is a “search engine” on the “Internet” that allows users to type in keywords and find results from around this “World Wide Web (if you are unfamiliar with this Internet, I pity you… but I’m also going to steer clear of you, because you apparently have some sort of amazing mind powers, being able to read this sans a browser).
Anyway, let’s start with a simple argument – Should Buddy Bell have a job managing in Major League Baseball? With baseball, as with most athletic competitions, success is measured by wins and losses. Therefore, to test my argument solver, we first enter “’Buddy Bell’ winner” into the search engine. Such an entry nets 33,900 results. Not a bad pull for Mr. I-Like-To-Bat-A-Sub-.200-Hitting-Shane-Costa-Cleanup. Unfortunately for Buddy, the argument comes down to the results for “’Buddy Bell’ losing,”… a whopping 41,500. By a 7,600-result margin, it seems the skipper is more associated with losing, and therefore should not be managing at the big league level.
The beauty of the “Google Solution” is that it works with any argument. Is Brodie Croyle a talented young quarterback, or an injury waiting to happen in the Arrowhead backfield. Net results… “’Brodie Croyle’ talented” garners 29,900, while “Brodie Croyle’ injured” nets 44,400… Looks like Damon Huard better start warming up and hope that opponents don’t catch on to the limited playbook he worked with last season.
With the answers to all life’s questions at my fingertips, I obviously couldn’t just sit back watch television… I needed more (with the TV on in the background, naturally). Being the considerate person that I am, here are the answers to more of society’s great debates:
The ceiling… worthless or wonderful?
“ceiling worthless” – 586,000
“ceiling wonderful” – 1,330,000
This just serves as a kind reminder that we should all appreciate everything ceilings have to offer.
KU… underrated or overrated?
“KU underrated” – 44,600
“KU overrated” – 61,900
If first-round exits and tournament disappointments weren’t enough to convince you, Google can show you the way. The high expectations for the Jayhawks are as fictional as the bird they portray.
Dwight Schrute… genius or freak?
“’Dwight Schrute’ genius” – 17,900
“’Dwight Schrute’ freak” – 15,700
With that, we now all know that, despite his eccentricities, Dunder Mifflin’s Assistant to the Regional Manager in Scranton, Penn., is a genius… that knows several facts about bears… and has a purple belt.
Derek Larson… great or mediocre?
“’Derek Larson’ great” – 1,050
“’Derek Larson’ mediocre” - 8
Perhaps the convincing argument of all for the “Google Solution”… The search doesn’t lie.
This column… a useful tool or a waste of time?
“’this column’ ‘useful tool’” – 57,800
“’this column’ ‘waste of time’” – 78,800
This shows… well…
… D’oh.
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