Sports Fan Bill of Rights...

In honor of Independence Day...



The Fourth of July.
Independence Day.
The mere mention of the day provides memories of fireworks, barbecues, and parades, all in the celebration of our freedom. As Americans, we have freedom of speech and freedom of religion along with many other luxuries that can be taken for granted in today's society.
Likewise, American sports fans also have several rights, but it struck me that there is no official listing of these rights to refer to. There is no Bill of Rights for the American sports fan. Thus, I feel it is up to me to explain some of the most basic rights of sports fans here today.
- The right to vote for anyone without worrying about the next four years
I'm not referring to politics here, but to elections for professional All-Star games. While the name of the contest may suggest that only the best and brightest of a particular sports would be entered, sports fans have the right to choose any player in the league on their ballot. And if the name isn't there? Write it in.
Even players who aren't active can make the roster. In 1992, Magic Johnson was voted in as a starter for the Western Conference All-Star game, despite having retired from the NBA in November 1991 and not having played in a single game that season. He played in the All-Star game and won the MVP with 25 points and nine assists.
- The right to be hopelessly optimistic
Are you a fan of a Major League Baseball team that has lost over 100 games in two straight seasons and added nothing but veterans who were never considered elite players in the offseason? Write a column and pick the team to finish third in its division. It may make you look like a fool, but you'll be a fool that is still able to enjoy the wins the team does pick up while in the comfort of your own home.
- The right to speak highly of an athlete you have never seen
In athletics today, the word "potential" is thrown around as often as the word "ouch" in a knife juggling class. It is the right of every sports fan to brag about any five-star recruit your favorite college team may sign, using terms like "4.4 40" or "42-inch vertical" as acceptable support for your argument. It does not matter if you have never seen this athlete, and you have no visual evidence that he can even put his shoes on the right feet.
- The right to associate yourself in an inaccurate manner
"I can't believe we lost that game," said Joe Schmo, the unemployed Betamax repair man.
When did Mr. Schmo sign a contract with the local professional football team? Why is he still driving that 1978 Pinto if he is now a professional athlete?
Mr. Schmo may have put on a football helmet in his life. He might not be able to throw the pigskin farther than a cricket can jump, but he can refer to his favorite football team as if it were his wife and kids without any consequences whatsoever.
With these rights in place, questions may now arise concerning what actions in the sports world do result in consequences. The answers lie in another column.
For now, enjoy that stud (runningback/point guard/pitcher) you signed. Although I have never seen (him/her) play, I hear (he/she) (runs faster than the wind/has the court vision of an eagle/throws a wicked slider). (He/She) will probably (scored 30 touchdowns/average 14 assists per game/throw three no-hitters) next year.