Monday, January 10, 2011

People in Your Neighborhood - The Edition I Nearly Forgot

Back in December I traveled to a trade show for my job. At that time, I decided the place was brimming with subjects who deserved The Writings’ “People in Your Neighborhood” treatment. Alas, due to the hustle and bustle of the holidays, an abundance of sporting events, changing tides, protests from the AARP, a bevy of lawsuits, a temporary crippling of my left pinkie, and a memory as sharp the scissors you used in kindergarten, the aforementioned Writing was never composed. Today we correct that problem. These are the people in your neighborhood, if your neighborhood happens to be a trade show at a conference for high school athletic directors.

The Used Car Salesmen
The products this trio was looking to market to the attending public were not used cars, but the mindset was the same one you’ll find at most lots in the land. Stalk, chase, grab, and more; just do whatever you can to make the sale. While each member of the trio served as a wheel of the most annoying tricycle you’ll ever encounter, each guy also held his own very distinct style and persona.

Mr. Astonished
I have no clue if Mr. Astonished was really ever astonished by anything at all, but his expression sure made it seem that way. Each attendee he encountered was greeted with eyes so wide that there was actual worry about whether his eyeballs would roll right out of his skull. Thankfully, they never did, and people seemed to show interest in their product – perhaps only to take their glances away from his crazy eyes.

Mr. Superball
Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Oh, Mr. Superball, please cease with the incessant bouncing. I know you picked up that bouncy ball at another vendor’s booth. I know it’s pretty amazing that the technology exists to make a palm-sized ball that bounces even though there’s no air pumped inside. I also know that you think you look pretty cool bouncing a ball continuously, one hand to the other, while waiting for the next conference attendee to latch on to. It’s great that your coordination and ambidexterity allow you to complete such a task. Unfortunately, the whole thing is unbelievably grating. I’m not sure I’d be any more annoyed if you grabbed a Sharpie and attempted to draw a handlebar mustache on my face. Please stop. Please.

The Godfather
The senior member of the group, the Godfather was the one that Mr. Astonished and Mr. Superball seemed to look to for approval any time they reeled in a potential customer. Built like a bowling ball (with the same amount of hair), the Godfather took the aggressive approach to tracking down prospective buyers. “Hey! Come check out something you need!” His voice sounded as if he was an old friend of Joe Camel, and his efforts often had the effect of hounding someone to take your half-ashen cigarette.

The Passive Guy
The Passive Guy sat across the aisle. That’s kind of a boring description, but that’s literally all he did. He sat. Sure, he’d answer questions if people asked him directly, but beyond that he did not do much to acknowledge that folks were even in his vicinity. It seemed to be a risky sales method.

The Very Passive Guy
The Very Passive guy may have very well been The Passive Guy’s grandfather. How did he earn his “Very Passive” tag? I credit it to age and wisdom… That, and the fact that I saw him dozing off at one point.

The Zapper
Technology is a great thing, unless The Zapper is involved. The Zapper uses a hand-held barcode reader to scan the name badges of conference attendees so that he can have evidence that folks actually visited his booth and he can gain their contact information to follow up after the event. It's actually a pretty slick idea, but The Zapper seemed to take it to unintended extremes. He would seek out folks that had not given his booth a second glance and still ask if he could scan their name badges. It seemed a bit intrusive, considering that some of these folks were actually talking to others when he'd but in with his query, but it even crawled into creepy territory at times. What would your response be if a guy you'd never spoken to before sidled up next to you and said nothing but, "Mind if I zap ya?"

The Game Changer
Folks at a booth across the aisle were hawking a product intended to cut down the length of a nosebleed, which seems like a worthwhile cause. Unfortunately, the woman at the booth continually referred to the product as “a game changer.” … Listen, lady. Your product is dandy, but if the game we’re stuck in involves chronic nosebleeds, I’m not sure I want to keep playing.

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