I have been watching a lot of NBA slam dunk contests lately. Seriously, way too many of them. NBATV recently aired a marathon of dunk contests from the 80s through last season. Thanks to my DVR, I've watched far too many of such showcases over the past three days. How do I know I've watched too many? I feel strongly that some judges were crooked, I know who Terence Stansbury is, and I'm about to devote entirely too many words to describing some of the things I've seen. The 2010 contest was about as dissappointing as the finish of "The Matrix" trilogy*, so it's best we look back and do it as soon as we can. After all, what could provide a better avenue for analyzing society's trends. (Other than, you know, serious things.)
*Really, Shannon Brown? Your big idea of a dunk is catching an alley-oop? Someone reward this man's sense of innovation!
1987
We begin in 1987, which was a simpler time. Naturally, I mean it was simpler for the tailors who made NBA uniforms. Shorter shorts meant less thread, more efficiency and greater profits. Simple, right?
It seems that being a former (and unfunny) cast member of Saturday Night Live qualifies a person to judge dunks on a national stage.* How else did Joe Piscopo wind up behind the judges table. I doubt that imitating Frank Sinatra could somehow give a person an intricate knowledge of dunking difficulties.
*2010 equivalent of Piscopo: Colin Quinn. Would you accept him as a dunk contest judge?
Some guy name Michael Jordan ended up winning this contest*, but my favorite moments of this contest don't involve any of his actual dunks. It's all in the commentary. I probably should not get the joy I do out of hearing an announcer refer to an atop-the-backboard camera as the "slam-jam cam," but it gets me every single time. Apparently I'm a simple guy. I guess I belong in 1987.
*Yes, I think he made his name as a baseball player.
1994
Here we are seven years later. The legendary rhythms of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince fill Minneapolis' Target Center and the phrase "warm it up" is used on multiple occasions. Yes, 1994 was a magical time. This edition of the dunk contest really wasn't notable. I only mention it because at one point the camera panned to a 70-year-old woman who looked like she had gotten lost on the way to her bridge game. Luckily, she was embracing her role as a member of the dunk contest audience and holding up a sign with the number 10 for a dunk that definitely didn't deserve it. (Sorry, Robert Pack.)
1996
Brent Barry, who sports Macauley Caulkin's Home Alone haircut and wears his warmup jacket during the competition, throws one down after leaping from the foul-line. The obvious joke here is "I guess white men CAN jump." I respect you all far to much to try to get by with that one.
Jerry Stackhouse licked his forearm - usually a sign that the dunker is going to cup the ball against that same forearm - but then did nothing of the sort on his dunk attempt. Lesson: he must just be a messy eater.
One of the broadcasters just said the aforementioned Barry reminded him of Pistol Pete Maravich. Pistol was one of the most exciting players to ever grace the hardwood. Barry won this dunk contest and then... well... averaged 14 points per game for Seattle one year. That's exciting in the same way that eating ice chips is exciting.
1997
Darvin Ham, who once shattered a backboard during the NCAA tournament, throws down three of the top dunks of the night. Naturally, the judges give him a 36 and he doesn't escape the first round. I know there have been a lot of scandals in the sports world, but I really think this one should get more publicity. Darvin was robbed.
Kobe Bryant, at the age of 18, wins the contest. Cameras track Brandy in the crowd, as she had been his prom date the year before. Yes, the fact that Brandy was relevant helps you realize how long ago 1997 really was.
2000
We jump ahead thee years thanks to the fact that there were no NBA dunk contests in 1998 or 1999. I like to think that this was because the judges from the 1997 contest were forced to spend two years sitting silently in a corner thinking about what they had done after the Ham Fiasco.*
*Is it me, or does that sound like a new dish at Denny's?
Vince Carter dominates this competition, but Kenny Smith nearly spoils the event by repeating "Let's go home!" and "it's over!" so often that you begin to wonder if he's learning English from "Phrases to Get Your Significant Other to Leave the Buffet" educational tapes.
During the event, cameras pan to Michael Keaton on multiple occasions. Why? My best guess is that the cameraman was a stalker that was obsessed with the movie Multiplicity.
2001
According to the aforementioned Mr. Smith, former Vancouver Grizzly Stromile Swift is penalized on a dunk attempt because he didn't "bring enough funk." I don't know how many times I've made that same mistake.
2002
It's the year of horrible ideas for the dunk contest. Let's count them, shall we?
1. Rather than having all dunkers compete against each other in the first round, they spilt the competition into tournament-style match ups. Bad idea.
2. The commentary of the TNT broadcasting team - featuring Smith, Charles Barkley, Ernie Johnson, and Danny Ainge - is fed over the arena's loudspeakers for at least a portion of the contest. The leads to audio feedback, annoying echos, and an arena full of fans being subjected to Smith and Ainge with no "mute" option. Very bad idea.
3. Dunkers have to complete one dunk picked by a giant Wheel of Fortune (or Morality) wheel. This destroys the players' chances to be creative and eliminates Steve Francis, since he went bankrupt on a dunk that involved palming the ball, which he couldn't do. Even Barkley says the wheel is a stupid idea. Horrendous idea.
In other news, one of the judges is some guy named Internet. Weiird name.
There are courtesy laughs. There are horrendously fake laughs. Then there's the laugh Jason Richardson gives Craig Sager in response to a terrible joke about Barkley's golf game after Richardson's win. I almost felt bad for Sager. Then I thought of this. And this. And this.
2003
The NBA gets it right with the judges... finally. All seated at the judges table are former dunk champs. Not only does this leave the judging up to those who actually know the difficulty of such dunks, but it also gives Dee Brown something to do. Win-win.
From Kenny, "We need to get him a get well card; he's sick!" This was not a literal statement. You see, back in 2003 the word "sick" was often used as an alternative to the words "awesome" and "bee's knees."*
*The Writings: We're here to teach.
2005
We skip a year, not due to contest cancellation, but simply because the 2004 contest really wasn't that notable. Even the winner had a ho-hum name. (Sorry, Fred Jones.)
2005 was the year of The Birdman. Chris Andersen, who has seemingly played basketball in more locations than a certain globe-trotting team from Harlem, was one of four contest participants. The edited version of the contest is just 30 minutes long, but, thanks to Andersen, the uncut version lasts far longer. Andersen spent approximately three days trying to successfully complete his first-round attempts. His efforts resulted in more laughter than most
-----
Turns out that my DVR doesn't have as much space as I'd like. We don't go much further than 2005 thanks to the fact that I'm unwilling to erase any episodes of Lost or the K-State-Texas game from my DVR. Nonetheless, I'll leave you with one of the better dunk contests I've seen. (And, as we've learned, I've basically seen them all.) It doesn't top Jordan-Wilkins from 1988 or the Vinsanity show from 2000, but there are definitely a few dunks you should see if you have seven minutes to waste. (Particularly at the 4:57 mark.)
All Star Game 2008 - Slam Dunk Contest
*Really, Shannon Brown? Your big idea of a dunk is catching an alley-oop? Someone reward this man's sense of innovation!
1987
We begin in 1987, which was a simpler time. Naturally, I mean it was simpler for the tailors who made NBA uniforms. Shorter shorts meant less thread, more efficiency and greater profits. Simple, right?
It seems that being a former (and unfunny) cast member of Saturday Night Live qualifies a person to judge dunks on a national stage.* How else did Joe Piscopo wind up behind the judges table. I doubt that imitating Frank Sinatra could somehow give a person an intricate knowledge of dunking difficulties.
*2010 equivalent of Piscopo: Colin Quinn. Would you accept him as a dunk contest judge?
Some guy name Michael Jordan ended up winning this contest*, but my favorite moments of this contest don't involve any of his actual dunks. It's all in the commentary. I probably should not get the joy I do out of hearing an announcer refer to an atop-the-backboard camera as the "slam-jam cam," but it gets me every single time. Apparently I'm a simple guy. I guess I belong in 1987.
*Yes, I think he made his name as a baseball player.
1994
Here we are seven years later. The legendary rhythms of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince fill Minneapolis' Target Center and the phrase "warm it up" is used on multiple occasions. Yes, 1994 was a magical time. This edition of the dunk contest really wasn't notable. I only mention it because at one point the camera panned to a 70-year-old woman who looked like she had gotten lost on the way to her bridge game. Luckily, she was embracing her role as a member of the dunk contest audience and holding up a sign with the number 10 for a dunk that definitely didn't deserve it. (Sorry, Robert Pack.)
1996
Brent Barry, who sports Macauley Caulkin's Home Alone haircut and wears his warmup jacket during the competition, throws one down after leaping from the foul-line. The obvious joke here is "I guess white men CAN jump." I respect you all far to much to try to get by with that one.
Jerry Stackhouse licked his forearm - usually a sign that the dunker is going to cup the ball against that same forearm - but then did nothing of the sort on his dunk attempt. Lesson: he must just be a messy eater.
One of the broadcasters just said the aforementioned Barry reminded him of Pistol Pete Maravich. Pistol was one of the most exciting players to ever grace the hardwood. Barry won this dunk contest and then... well... averaged 14 points per game for Seattle one year. That's exciting in the same way that eating ice chips is exciting.
1997
Darvin Ham, who once shattered a backboard during the NCAA tournament, throws down three of the top dunks of the night. Naturally, the judges give him a 36 and he doesn't escape the first round. I know there have been a lot of scandals in the sports world, but I really think this one should get more publicity. Darvin was robbed.
Kobe Bryant, at the age of 18, wins the contest. Cameras track Brandy in the crowd, as she had been his prom date the year before. Yes, the fact that Brandy was relevant helps you realize how long ago 1997 really was.
2000
We jump ahead thee years thanks to the fact that there were no NBA dunk contests in 1998 or 1999. I like to think that this was because the judges from the 1997 contest were forced to spend two years sitting silently in a corner thinking about what they had done after the Ham Fiasco.*
*Is it me, or does that sound like a new dish at Denny's?
Vince Carter dominates this competition, but Kenny Smith nearly spoils the event by repeating "Let's go home!" and "it's over!" so often that you begin to wonder if he's learning English from "Phrases to Get Your Significant Other to Leave the Buffet" educational tapes.
During the event, cameras pan to Michael Keaton on multiple occasions. Why? My best guess is that the cameraman was a stalker that was obsessed with the movie Multiplicity.
2001
According to the aforementioned Mr. Smith, former Vancouver Grizzly Stromile Swift is penalized on a dunk attempt because he didn't "bring enough funk." I don't know how many times I've made that same mistake.
2002
It's the year of horrible ideas for the dunk contest. Let's count them, shall we?
1. Rather than having all dunkers compete against each other in the first round, they spilt the competition into tournament-style match ups. Bad idea.
2. The commentary of the TNT broadcasting team - featuring Smith, Charles Barkley, Ernie Johnson, and Danny Ainge - is fed over the arena's loudspeakers for at least a portion of the contest. The leads to audio feedback, annoying echos, and an arena full of fans being subjected to Smith and Ainge with no "mute" option. Very bad idea.
3. Dunkers have to complete one dunk picked by a giant Wheel of Fortune (or Morality) wheel. This destroys the players' chances to be creative and eliminates Steve Francis, since he went bankrupt on a dunk that involved palming the ball, which he couldn't do. Even Barkley says the wheel is a stupid idea. Horrendous idea.
In other news, one of the judges is some guy named Internet. Weiird name.
There are courtesy laughs. There are horrendously fake laughs. Then there's the laugh Jason Richardson gives Craig Sager in response to a terrible joke about Barkley's golf game after Richardson's win. I almost felt bad for Sager. Then I thought of this. And this. And this.
2003
The NBA gets it right with the judges... finally. All seated at the judges table are former dunk champs. Not only does this leave the judging up to those who actually know the difficulty of such dunks, but it also gives Dee Brown something to do. Win-win.
From Kenny, "We need to get him a get well card; he's sick!" This was not a literal statement. You see, back in 2003 the word "sick" was often used as an alternative to the words "awesome" and "bee's knees."*
*The Writings: We're here to teach.
2005
We skip a year, not due to contest cancellation, but simply because the 2004 contest really wasn't that notable. Even the winner had a ho-hum name. (Sorry, Fred Jones.)
2005 was the year of The Birdman. Chris Andersen, who has seemingly played basketball in more locations than a certain globe-trotting team from Harlem, was one of four contest participants. The edited version of the contest is just 30 minutes long, but, thanks to Andersen, the uncut version lasts far longer. Andersen spent approximately three days trying to successfully complete his first-round attempts. His efforts resulted in more laughter than most
-----
Turns out that my DVR doesn't have as much space as I'd like. We don't go much further than 2005 thanks to the fact that I'm unwilling to erase any episodes of Lost or the K-State-Texas game from my DVR. Nonetheless, I'll leave you with one of the better dunk contests I've seen. (And, as we've learned, I've basically seen them all.) It doesn't top Jordan-Wilkins from 1988 or the Vinsanity show from 2000, but there are definitely a few dunks you should see if you have seven minutes to waste. (Particularly at the 4:57 mark.)
All Star Game 2008 - Slam Dunk Contest
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